Dear New York Airport: Maybe next time you could have us land in a pit of vipers that are also on fire. Just to keep things new.

in blogging about blogging again, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, Giant squid phobia, I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, phoning it in, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, The People's Party

Last week I was at the Blogher conference and it’s too complicated to write about so instead I’m just going to re-write the notes I jotted in my journal while I was there because I’m really tired and I believe in phoning it in.  Also, if this is the first time you’re reading me you should skip this post and read the one before it or just find a less offensive blog.

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I’m not allowed on a plane unchaperoned so I spent the night at Chookooloonks‘ (aka Karen) house where I was serenaded with live ukulele music and we exchanged stories of passing out in ditches.  Then I went to wash my hair but I forgot to bring shampoo so I used her “Uncle Funky’s Daughter Shampoo For Kinky Curly Hair” which is not really made for white girls but when I came out of the bathroom I told Karen that it was awesome because I felt very multi-cultural and also now I know what it feels like to be black.  Except without all the history and repression.  Then my hair dried and it looked exactly the same as before, which was disappointing but I’m pretty sure I was changed inside forever, like the day you lose your virginity except better because no cops came and it didn’t happen in a truck.  Then Karen gave me the “Girl, you are not right” look which looks a lot like the “Girl, you need a sandwich” face and so I agreed because either way she was right and I really wanted a sandwich.

It's basically this look but with more raised eyebrow.

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Landed in LaGuardia airport.  Hey, you know what would be a good idea?  If you didn’t put the runway on a pier IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING OCEAN.  Or if maybe the captain came on and said something like “Oh, by the way, it’s about to look like we’re crashing into the water but at the last second the runway will appear and we’ve never had any giant squid reach out their tentacles to grab us even though we look EXACTLY LIKE A FISHING LURE SKIMMING THE SURFACE.  No worries.  Stop crying, girl in row 8.”  That would have been helpful.  But it didn’t happen, probably because they totally had been grabbed by a squid tentacle before and now they can’t legally make that disclaimer and then I may have hyperventilated a little and then Karen gave me that look again which was weird because I totally wasn’t in the mood for a sandwich and she’s usually very intuitive about that sort of thing.

**********

I’ve been in New York for one hour and already I’m being detained by the NYPD.  Apparently it’s illegal to get a pedicab the way we did which was by stabbing the people about to get in the cab and then forcing the cab driver to commit robberies for us.  Kidding.  Actually we were just standing in an illegal place to hail a cab and so we got pulled over directly in front of a hotel full of bloggers.  I tweeted that if you looked outside the hotel right now you could see Laura and I being detained for 20 minutes by the NYPD but no one did, probably because everyone inside was too busy doing opium and pulling used kidneys out of murdered hookers.  Way to pick your battles, NYPD.  Also, last time I was out of town with Laura we almost got arrested as well so I blame her.  It’s pretty much the worst tradition ever.

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My friend Grace just asked me how many drink tickets I got.  I have no idea what she’s talking about.  She pulled out the perforated badge sheet that should have had drink tickets printed on it and it was entirely blank. Awesome. Blogher thinks I’m an alcoholic.

**********

Went to the Social Luxe party and got snubbed by everyone I’ve ever met.  Except that I’m almost sure that it was just because I looked so different in my phony-tail.  Or maybe they’re just assholes.  Probably the first one.  Then I won the “Funniest Blog” award and when I went on stage everyone was all “Huh” and that’s kind of what I thought too.  Then I think I got fitted for lingerie but I’m not sure if that was part of the party or if I was just being molested so I just went with it.  And that’s basically how Blogher is.  Also, FYI?  The award is a glass paperweight and if you go through security with it on the way home they will assume you have a bomb and they will bring out security and then when they finally pull it out and read it they’ll say “What’s a blog?” and that’s how you know you’re in the real world again.

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Called Victor to tell him I won an award.

Victor:  Awesome.  I already have a trophy for you at home.

me:  Is it “World’s Greatest Grampa”?

Victor:  I scratched out the “Grampa”.

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Hosted the annual People’s Party with a bottle of screw-top wine that I stole from the mini-bar.  As usual, I went to the actual party for 1.9 minutes then spent the entire rest of the night hiding in the bathroom.  It was a lot like a normal party except that people make you wear their shoes so they can swallow them and someone makes an art installation of play-doh on the sink but you don’t even notice it because a group of girls dressed in full Girl Genius costume just came to pour drinks.  The bathrooms of Blogher are a lot like Burning Man, but with slightly less nudity.

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Back in the hotel room.  Just stuck my head out of the bathroom to clarify to my roomate that I’m using an electric toothbrush in here and not a vibrator.  She looked less relieved than I expected.  This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people after 10 PM.

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Part two comes tomorrow.  I need a nap.

121 thoughts on “Dear New York Airport: Maybe next time you could have us land in a pit of vipers that are also on fire. Just to keep things new.”

Read comments below or add one.

  5. Love this!

    “I felt very multi-cultural and also now I know what it feels like to be black. Except without all the history and repression.” I am so proud of you girl for opening up to new horizons. LOL.

  8. Wow, this is as high as I have ever been on the comments page. I feel tingly all over! I would love to almost get arrested with you, but unfortunately, I’m not funny, so I’ll never write a blog and never go to Blogher and end up in your bathroom, let alone getting almost arrested in a pedicab. Hmmm, maybe my next life. Damn.

  9. I didn’t see you at SocialLuxe, or I would NOT have snubbed you.
    Also? We totally failed in generating sufficient outrage re: drink ticket inequities.

  10. This is why you should land in Newark. Sure it’s in NJ, but we don’t have any giant squids there. At least not in THAT part of NJ. I’m not sure I can say the same for the parts with beaches.

  11. There is nothing wrong with doing opium and pulling used kidneys out of murdered hookers. It’s what you’re DOING with the used kidneys that counts. And also, depends on if you murdered the hookers with cheeseburgers.

  12. I think you should hire me to be your handler for the next conference. I never get detained by police, or attacked by giant squid. I need to expand my horizons.

  13. You’re tweets were hilarious during BlogHer10. I would totally try that shampoo but doubt it would make me look any funkier – shampoos NEVER make me look funkier. Hence the reason I wear wigs. I’m totally gonna try the confidence ponytail though. Paired with a BumpIt – it might work wonders. Also, naps are overrated. At least that’s what my kids want me to believe. I’ve start the caffeine IV drip instead. It works wonders.

  14. I’m the 5th comment? Usually I would be 100+.

    Well, I’m so worked up about this development that I forgot what I was going to say.

    Never mind.

  15. At the bathroom at the library in Vancouver there’s a creepy Chinese guy who brushes his teeth for 20 minutes or more. He’s hanging around hoping he’ll see random dudes having sex, but who would have sex with a creepy Chinese guy around?

  16. Just what kinda attachments did your toothbrush come with.. and where can I get one? Also, is it battery, electric or gas powered? Gas powered is best, but I tend to get that rope pully crank it thingie wrapped around .. ya know.. lady parts.

  17. Next time, I’m just going to hang out in the bathroom then.

    I tried to go to the People’s Party but was too much of a wussy-with-a-p. (Can I say that on your blog? Probably.) I chickened out and went and got a pint of Dulce du Leche ice cream and watched Law & Order SVU in my hotel room.

    Or – maybe next time, you can join ME for ice cream and Elliott. It might have been better than the bathroom. Did you have ice cream in the bathroom? Probably not. Did you have Elliott there? Probably not. I win.

  18. I love that you hide in the bathroom. I get so drunk at those types of things, I only use the restroom to puke. Then again, I am certainly no award winner. I am super proud and super jealous of you.

  19. “we’ve never had any giant quid reach out their tentacles to grab us ”

    Assume that’s a typo and you meant squid and not quid, because quid is British slang for a pound note, right? And last time I was in London, I did not deal with be-tentacled money and quite frankly, now that you’ve put it that way, I may never be able to leave the country again in fear of being molested by space alien foreign currency.

  20. So now that you’re black do you [POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE RACIAL STEREOTYPE] now? Sorry for the brackets, it’s just that I thought of so many potentially offensive stereotypes I couldn’t choose just one, because I was worried the other stereotypes would feel neglected and start getting all [YET ANOTHER OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPE].

  21. Screw-top wine has saved my life on many occasions. Also, runways over water are NOT okay. SFO? Not okay. Even though the water is only ~4 feet deep where the runway ends… there could still be sharks in there.

  23. when i road a pedicab after your tweet, i found myself a little disappointed that we didn’t get pulled over as well. it was lovely to meet you…in the bathroom, of course.

  24. I’ll have you know I was the one who yelled “JENNY!!!!” when you walked in the doors at Social Luxe with your sassy ponytail. So not only did I recognize you, I yelled at you. Wait. This was supposed to be encouraging.

  25. As with the equipment one uses on occasion “down there,” I prefer toothbrushes that require a little elbow grease… Otherwise it’s like being brushed or fucked by the energizer bunny.

  26. Y’know, I didn’t care about BlogHer before it happened… now it’s looking like I missed a pretty decent party! lol

  30. I looked out of my window (not at Blogher) when I saw your tweet: There were two homeless guys having a loud argument about TARP or tarps or something so I pretended they were you and Laura, which worked out kinda good because right about then the PD came by, but since its kinda a small town and everyone knows these homeless guys (who live in the baranca…which is just spanish for dry creek..and since that’s technically their home I’m not sure they can really be referred to as ‘homeless’) the cops just told them to chill and drove away and it didn’t even take 20 minutes and sure enough the two homeless guys chilled out and a few minutes later walked by with a couple of 40s. So, I guess they weren’t you and Laura and maybe they were having a better time than you since they had beers.

  31. Whew! I am tired too. And there is a part two!?!? God Almighty! Very funny blogess. But then again you won award. You knew that already.

  32. Have I mentioned that I love you? Speaking of which, when are we getting married? You know we can go to California for that now. Except I’m not gay. Wait, does that really matter ? But for you I would be. If you were. And we wanted to go to California be cool like Ellen and Portia. Except I’m not blond either. Or that cool. But you get the idea.

  34. First time reader here. I wasn’t scared off by your disclaimer at the beginning. And I’m glad I kept reading this post. Was effing hilarious. Now I must go get lost in your archives. Toodles.

  35. I didn’t recognize you in any of the Eden Fantasys pics at first. So it’s totally the fault of your ponytail. ~nods~

  36. Funny and educational. Apparently you are only allowed to hail yellow cabs in NYC. All others you have to call via phone or twitter or something.

    I’ll bet an electric toothbrush is a multipurpose device, but I do not have one handy to test my theory.

  37. Once again, you are wonderful. You turned my Social Luxe loss into a Social Luxe win. Okay, not win, but almost a draw. Who am I kidding, I totally care and gave the big fat side eye to everyone on the committee. But, still, you are wonderful.

  39. I want some of that shampoo, despite my hair being as far from kinky as possible. Or despite my distinct lack of hair on top. Because of Male Pattern Baldness. So now I’ll never have an Afro. Like it was ever going to happen with this fine, wispy hair that atomizes into dust when cut.

    Now I’m just babbling. Sorry.

  40. I think the whole “blank drink tickets” thing was more like BlogHer recognizing that you are an awesome drunk who knows EXACTLY what to do with too much alcohol. Like when somebody offers you a “blank check,” and you have unlimited funds to use at your discretion. Except for with a whole lot less attendant remorse.

  41. okay but those girls at the People’s Party? I thought they were vampires. Are you sure they weren’t vampires? Because I’ve seen all of the Buffy episodes as recently as just this summer and I’m pretty sure they were vampires.

  42. I totally read your tweet about being detained and I replied “Do you need bail money” and then I left for an appointment and never came back to my desk.
    When I got home I saw that you were safe so I assumed you didn’t need the bail money, and I was relieved. But when I got to work the tweet was sitting on my screen- I’d never sent it so you never knew I was willing to bail you out. I was so sad because maybe you thought we didn’t love you anymore.
    I would totally post bail for you! And then we could totally do a Beyonce/Lady GaGa “Telephone” type escapade. Only we could not kill people. Although I’m game for anything, really.

  44. I tried using that “brushing my teeth” excuse once, but my boyfriend was all “that’s weird because you’re in bed and nowhere near a sink and apparently your teeth are in your vagina” and then I had to break up with him because clearly he has no sense of humor or knowledge of the female body.

  46. This is fantastic! You are hilarious. I want to write an entire paragraph about how much I love this post, but sadly, I’m at work and someone is all up in my shit about getting some work done. So, I’ll keep this short and just say…AWESOME. YOU. ARE. (Yoda style.)

  47. I was sitting at my desk thinking – jeez, it’s almost 5. I want to go home and I can’t pretend to look busy / keep myself entertained much longer. Please, please, please let there be a new post up at the bloggess.

    You have answered my prayers, Jenny!

    Now where’s my sandwich?

  48. Congratulations on your award. And your trophy.

    Also, thank you: Now I don’t want to go to the UK because of giant quid with tentacles. I’m sure they have giant quid, both with and without tentacles, and that’s why all those people are dying over there and it’s all being blamed on a bad healthcare system or old age or faeries. Whatever. Tentacles scare me. And I don’t like squid either so it doesn’t matter if it was a typo or whatever. Oh hell. Now I need chocolate. And bacon.

  49. You and your bathroom gig cracked me up. It was hilarious to see the line trailing out of the bathroom door to meet HRH, the Queen of the Bathroom. You should recruit Moaning Myrtle as your sidekick and go on tour to bathrooms across the nation. Your mother would be proud, no? ;-D

  50. I get the “Girl, you are not right” look all the time, but it never looks like the “Girl, you need a sandwich” face. I need to find a way to parlay that look into getting feed. I have so much to learn from you.

  51. I couldn’t go to BlogHer because husband wasted all our money on silly things like “mortgage” and “utilities.” I’m saving up for BlogWorld, but it won’t be the same. I’ll bet nothing interesting will happen in the bathrooms there.

  52. Huh. I got serenaded by live ukulele music this weekend too. Believe it or not, the situation also involved writing. Only slight differences in experiences really. I was on the freezing cold porch of a 75 year old home in downtown Anchorage, Alaska and I had absolutely no idea who the guy with the ukulele was. It’s like we’re twins!

  53. If you were really limber, you could be doing the teeth thing AND the vibrator thing at the same time with the same implement. Totally about the multitasking thing. Also prolly a really good reason to get into yoga.

  55. The BEST BlogHer wrap-up post ever! I’m glad that you have multi-cultural hair now, and know not to travel with laura without your lawyer present. By the way, I volunteer to be your traveling lawyer ONLY if I don’t get arrested b/c I’m not really good at that kind of law and also it sounds like there are alot of scorpions around you. So, nevermind my offer…anyhow…

  57. That sounds like Regan National Airport in DC. You can’t fly low over DC so to land they fly across the Potomac River and it looks like you’re going to land in the river. Also on the way out you still can’t fly low so they don’t glide up, it just goes vertical, well maybe not vertical, but 45 degrees, which is really steep when you’re in a big hunk of metal that shouldn’t be able to float on air in the first place.

  59. I also spent the weekend hiding in my bathroom using my “electric toothbrush”. No police were called, although I will dial 911 the next time I run out of batteries.

  61. I hope part 2 involves a redhead that was stalking you. Oh wait, that redhead was me. Yeah, scratch that part out and I hope you don’t decide to get that restraining order. OH and I googled True Blood, so I’m like a Vampire virgin in your poem? That’s hot! (said in best Paris Hilton voice).

  62. Oh man, I used to love to fly into LaGuardia! Right over 5th Av, sharp right turn, and then instead of landing in the Long Island Sound or that neighborhood (I always felt bad for them), there’s actually a surprise runway! Way exciting! ‘Course, that was back in the day, I’m pretty sure planes aren’t allowed to fly over Manhattan like that anymore. You need a personal assistant. I would totally have your drink tickets (I can have very effective hissy-fits), I wouldn’t allow anyone to molest you unless you were down with that, I always travel with extra batteries for “toothbrushes” (nice cover, I’ll have to use that one), and I’m a heap of fun who can outdrink most anyone without getting into a fracas with cops. Sleep well, you’ve earned it.

  63. I landed in LaGuardia in 2000 and flipped the fuck out because I was convinced that we were crashing into the ocean while almost taking out the statue of liberty. Since it was prior to 9/11 I was not detained for my psychosis on the plane.

  65. a group of girls dressed in full Girl Genius costume just came to pour drinks.

    That pic isn’t working for me. I get the dreaded Red X. It’s making me a little crazy, because I really want to know what a Girl Genius costume looks like. Fix it soon or I may have to up my meds. Which will be really inconvenient because I just picked up a three month supply. So please fix it. K Thnx.

  66. Row 8? That’s in first class!! Wooo Hoooo!
    Now I’m picturing you, in first class, in your red dress. I’m also totally anticipating the story about the “toothbrush” starting to vibrate during the security check on the way home.
    (I made 19 cents from YouData, this week. I think I have to file a schedule C, now)

  67. 1. You shouldn’t hang out with Laura anymore. She sounds like trouble.
    2. I tell my friends it’s an electric toothbrush too, but it’s really a vibe. Yours was too, right?

  68. If you’re wondering why your ‘average length of visit’ stats have gone through the roof the past couple of days it’s because I’ve discovered your blog and have been reading it all day at work for the past three days. And I wonder why I don’t get promoted.

    Anywho…you’re frickin’ hi-larious and you have a new stalker in me.

  69. Dude, if you don’t like landing at LaGuardia, all I can say is: NEVER vacation in St. Maarten. EVER.

    And just as a point of clarity for Kalisa: sparks, jaegers und constructs is verra different from vampires, sveethot.

  70. I tried “Uncle Funky’s Daughter Shampoo For Kinky Curly Hair” on my pubic hair and even though my penis did not turn black like it did before I was separated from my wife (THANKS FOR NOTHING, HONEY) it DID manage to make my hair “down there” (read: near schlong) incredibly bouncy and full of body and look like I had a tiny little Epstein from “Welcome Back Kotter” but with a hole in his nose.

    Just like it was before I used the shampoo.

    I think you’re right. Uncle Funky is ripping us right the fuck off.

  71. “The award is a glass paperweight and if you go through security with it on the way home they will assume you have a bomb and they will bring out security and then when they finally pull it out and read it they’ll say “What’s a blog?” and that’s how you know you’re in the real world again.”

    I think you just summed up the entire plot of Inception with that statement. Thank God, my mind can finally get some rest.

  74. This is hilarious. BlogHer sounds like a big girl version of State Thespians, minus all the gay men and some of the drama queens (but not all).

    Can’t wait for part two!! 🙂

  75. So much better than the “OMG, I love NYC and all my new BFF’s so much I think I’ll just DIE!” Blah.
    Enough with the BlogHer posts peeps…but this, this my friend was primo fabulouso.

  76. I love that LaGuardia landing. I think it’s good for newcomers to NYC to experience because it kinda prepares you for what the rest of the city will be like. I always get a warm and fuzzy “it’s good to be home” feeling about it, which apparently is similar to an “oh my god what is happening we’re all gonna die I have to puke” feeling for LaGuardia virgins.

  78. I live in CT and go to NYC a lot, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out where the illegal section for cab hailing is located. Did you run in the middle of the street to hail a pedi cab? You should have taken a regular cab. lol

  79. I think next year there are going to be more people in the Peoples Party bathroom trying to meet you than at the actual Peoples Party.

  80. So far, my recap of BlogHer contains a story about my poo, a skinny whore, AND my desire to tongue-kiss the guy who invented paper. I hope they don’t get a restraining order on me next year.

  82. I got pulled over for a second security check in the airport because I had muffins. They claimed that the walk through x ray you under your clothes scanner was broken and had to wand me – a lot.

    They didn’t even buy me dinner first.

  83. I feel your pain on the electric toothbrush thing.

    I have one (an electric toothbrush) and recently my roomie got drunk and accused me of masterbating too much. I instantly got confused. Then upon asking more questions I realized she thought I was using a vibrator in the bathroom. To which my response was “Seriously?! Two whole minutes of self pleasure wouldn’t do it for me. Give me a little credit…. wait. Stop accusing me of shit… and listening to what you think you’re accusing me of!”

    I’m not the best at arguments with drunk people, but now I moan when I’m brushing my teeth to throw her off. 😀

  84. Pulled over by the Police?! And my other half was like ”she’s totally a bad influence on you, you keep swearing now.” which is total shit because I swore before I met him too, I only faked being a lady to land him. I win. So clearly I can’t tell him you were pulled over by the police, cos I don’t wanna have to hang out on your blog in secret. Although that is sorta sexy.

    Oh…also, we totally hung out in our own little mini bathroom party k? Like you said you would verify anyone that claimed that and since I am not at all cool enough to actually get to BlogHer, I need to just start making wild stories up about the insane parties. Plus say I was too drunk to remember the rest. I have so thought this through.

  85. My toe hurts.

    I keep imagining R Kelly singing “World’s Greatest” next to your new trophy from Victor.

  86. I don’t get it, how can you illegally catch a cab? That’s like saying you can’t legally brush your hair after 8pm… Or something. You confuse me, America.

    Congratulations on winning the award!

    PS – Are you taking notes in your Smokey and the Bandit journal again?

  87. Is it just me, or does the ““Girl, you are not right”/“Girl, you need a sandwich” face also look a lot like the “Girl, did you just promise that bartender a lap dance later if he put an extra somethin’ somethin’ in your drink?” I always get confused between the three.

    Regardless, nobody deserves that award more than you do. And I seriously covet that ponytail.

  88. Totally agree with you on the LaGuardia landing strip. That almost happened to us once…except it was a giant whale who jumped out of the water and tried to swallow the plane. I think he was the whale that almost swallowed one of the Jonas Brothers.

  89. Best post BlogHer post ever. Mostly because it wasn’t “OMG! BlogHer was amazing/spiritual/full of unicorns, and I felt so honored/connected/drenched in glitter.”

    Giant squids in the East River, illegal pedicabs, and brushing your teeth with a vibrator? Now that sounds like fun!

  92. Is Blogher only for hers? Because it sounds like an awesome party and I feel left out. Screw it. I’ll come in drag next year if I have to.

  93. I really do buy my hair care products in the ethnic aisle.

    I think that means I get honorary membership in the NAACP.

    Wait, is that the right acronym? You know what I mean.

  94. Boy, the Blogher Conference has all the makings of a remake of the “Breakfast Club” only with booze and women who are not in high school and would never go back to their high school because the day they left they swore they wouldn’t and there is a restraining order if they ever set foot on campus because of the “accidental” fire started in the teachers’ lounge…okay, the conference is nothing like “Breakfast Club” except for maybe the part of a group of people who spend their time trying to figure the other bloggers out because they can’t believe SHE’s the one that writes THAT blog.

  95. Soooooo I need to go to Blogher next year….. hopefully my blog will be kickass enough to count by then.

    Also – My sister got strip searched last time she was in New York at La Guardia because she had hockey pucks in her bag (she plays ice hockey) and they were all TERRORIST! Cause five foot three redheaded Canadian cops are frequently terrorists.

    Turns out Hockey pucks have the exact same density as C4. YAY FOR LEARNING. And nudity in airports.

  96. You certainly have a way with words. You write the way I think and yet can never express on paper.
    I certainly get weird looks from friends and family members after using my sonic toothbrush in the bathroom. I just give a kool-aid smile and let them think whatever they want. Maybe they’ll stop knocking on the door if they think I need privacy.

  97. Not sure which is funnier- you getting pulled over, the massive quantity of drink tickets, or the telephone call re: the award! Love it!

  99. Once in college I was moving and my roommates parents decided to help by picking up an unlabeled box that immediately began to vibrate dubiously. At first I thought maybe they didn’t even notice because they are REALLY in to the lord and the lord doesn’t know what vibrators are, but it turns out they did know what vibrators are and they stared at me with the ‘god hates you’ face—but actually it wasn’t a vibrator, it was an electric pepper grinder from one of those fancy kitchen shops but no one believes that.

  100. I have often found that it’s helpful to advise your roommate when you’re using an appliance that COULD be mistaken for a vibrator but really *isn’t*.

    Cause you could have been using an electric shaver in there, too, and you still would have had to explain yourself.

    Nice hotels should have a little sign you could hang on the bathroom door that you could turn front-to-back: “Not using a vibrator, but involved in personal hygiene. Do not disturb.” on one side, and “Using a vibrator. Do not disturb. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, then come right in.” on the other side.

  101. New York airports are awesome. Awesome. Can’t wait to read what you say about SXSW. They will probably molest you more there! Although, no. SXSW interactive is all Web 15.0 and spectacles.

  102. Pingback: Stop being an asshole, New York — TheBloggess.com

  103. Is that what that look means? Here I’ve been pissed because everyone clearly acknowledges my need of a sandwich but refuses to provide me with one. The whole time they were just acknowledging my not-rightness! Great, now I’m even more not right and I’m hungry. Fantastic.

  104. “Uncle Funky’s Daughter Shampoo For Kinky Curly Hair” is on my list of things to try. I don’t think I quality as as anyone’s funky daughter though…. (my dad is a very white, pink really, ex-middle manager for a chemical company and now lives in a Northern Ontario town where funky means road kill gone off a bit)… so anyway, I doubt I am the demographic for the shampoo but I do have very curly hair so I’ll bet it would work?

    ….I’m a bit sad I don’t have friends to swap ditch stories with… though I guess I’ve never really passed out in a ditch, per say, but I did roll down a hill with my pants down and sort of fell asleep at the bottom… am I in?

  107. OMG! You had me laughing so hard at the whole shampoo thing. Your friend has got to love you and your crazy sense of humor. And I loved your blog about the “traveling red dress.” Too sweet! NYC just loves YOU! And you are too funny with that electric toothbrush thing. Your fans are even crazier than you sometimes.

  108. I am so impressed that you know how to spell “ukulele,” not because I think you can’t spell, but because if I had to spell it, I wouldn’t know where to begin. In fact, the word looked so funny that I double-checked you on Answers.com and double-checked myself to make sure that the word that I was looking at meant a 4-stringed instrument.

    Congratulations on your award–it couldn’t have gone to a funnier blogger–uh, sorry, bloggess.

  109. Cops are assholes. my ex became a cop hence all of them are assholes and now they try to run the city and arrest people for stabbing pedicab drivers. Clearly they have had Zero interaction with pedicab drivers because they most definitely should get stabbed… oh wait you werent talking about stabbing THOSE people. but next time you come to NY you should really think about it.. and bring the pony tail so they cant recognize you.

  110. hilarious. after a week of reading Blogher10 blogs, you still managed to surprise and make me laugh my ass off. thx

  111. Pingback: Unimportant trivia: Padma was once married to the guy who wrote “The Satanic Verses”, which I always refer to as “The Vampire Diaries” because I’m bad with titles. — TheBloggess.com

  113. Everyone should’ve come to the bathroom to party with you, you know, to be with the life of the party and all. 🙂 LOVE the photo of the play-doh. That’s awesome.

  114. As a fellow anxiety disorderista I was going to suggest that you carry a firearm with you to ward off the heebee jeebees. I supposed you’ve tried drugs. Then I read in Harper’s Magazine that carrying, especially a concealed weapon, is a hindrance to creative thinking. So knives are probably the way to go. Or grenades.

    Before I become any fucktardier, let me say how much I love your humor and admire your ethos (and thank you for giving me the opportunity to use the word ethos in a sentence, a first for me).

  115. So, when the NYPD pulled you over, did you list your occupation as “visiting sex worker”? I bet that would have freaked them out.

    ~EdT.

  120. Pingback: I stole most of these pictures — TheBloggess.com

  121. love you. LOVE you….as always, so funny. and, by the way, the only reason I personally didn’t talk to you at socialluxe is because I’m anti-phony-tail. JUST KIDDING. the hair looked fab. I just never actually SAW you at the party. well, I saw you win your award and you totally did have that “huh” look on your face, by the way…but you deserved it and I voted for ya. you ARE the funniest. ANYWAY….as always, thanks for coming to socialluxe and thanks for writing your blog and thanks for allowing me the opportunity to sit here and read and laugh when I should be working. money? who needs money? mwah!

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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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