Unimportant trivia: Padma was once married to the guy who wrote “The Satanic Verses” (which I always refer to as “The Vampire Diaries” because I’m bad with titles).

in blogging about blogging again, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, terrible titles

Part 1 and part 2 of my Blogher summary are done.  Part 3 starts now:

I was asked to do a cooking competition at Blogher and I would have said no except that they said that I could create whatever I wanted and that the judge would be Padma from Top Chef so of course I was all “I’m in”.  Everyone I was competing against in my heat made stuff like “stuffed artichoke areola some-thing-or-another” but I figured if I’m going to do this I should totally carb-load the sandwich because Padma needs to eat something, y’all.

I'm the one playing on my phone.

My sandwich ingredients were white bread, ham, chocolate fudge, gummi bears, m&m’s, whipped cream, more chocolate fudge (for bonding), caramel corn and packets of sweet-and-low stolen from the hotel.

This was "organic chocolate fudge" so I *technically* this sandwich is considered health food.

Padma looked horrified and not in a good way and I explained that this was a sandwich I made for my daughter all the time and that my kid really likes it although she does have severe diabetes but that I still make it for her because I believe in “tough love” and then Padma looked a little appalled and she was all “Your daughter is diabetic…and you’re making this?” and I’m all “Yep” and then I squirted some whipped cream directly into my mouth to get me to stop talking because at that point even I wanted me to shut up but I overshot and sparklets of whipped cream shot onto Padma and she looked unpleased.

Girl on left is trying to distance herself from me. Girl on right has given up. I offered everyone whip-its and no one wanted them. Probably because they thought I was talking about dogs instead of whipped-cream. I would NEVER offer people dogs in a cooking competition. Because I'm a professional.
You can tell that no one knows me here because they gave me a knife.

Then the sandwiches went for judging and when Padma picked mine up she was all “I’m gonna need a wet wipe” and I turned to the girl next to me and I was all “Hell yeah. My sandwich is so sexy she’s gonna need a wet wipe” and the girl next to me was all “I don’t think that’s what she means” and I decided to ignore her because it’s pretty obvious that she was just trying to psyche me out.

I think the guy on the left was doing the wave for my sandwich. It was that awesome. Also, the girl on the right needs to learn how to hide her emotions better.

But then Padma refused to eat my sandwich and I was all “FUCKING SHENANIGANS!” but she totally ignored me.  But the other judges were all kids so I figured I was totally winning but then the votes were tallied and then Padma called out who was moving on to the next heat and it was EVERYBODY IN THE COMPETITION BUT ME.  I shit you not.

The aftermath. (Technically it was less of a sandwich and more like a chocolate stew that had bread and ham in it.)

And I was all “WTF? I was robbed” but then I was like “Wait, where would they get a bunch of kid judges at an adult conference?” and I decided they were most likely stolen from an orphanage and the orphans probably just weren’t used to that level of love in a sandwich.  Also, I may have given them all diabetes and I think giving diseases to orphans probably counts against you on your sandwich score card and probably in life in general.

PS. All of this is on video, y’all.

PPS.  Photos taken by Karen, then vandalized by me.

PPPS. This is the worst picture of me in the history of the world but I’m including it because it kind of sums up the whole day:

This is my "cooking face". It's also why I don't cook. Also, this is exactly how you should always look when you're standing next to a supermodel anyway because no matter what, you're going to look like shit comparatively so you might as well go all out.

Part 4 of Blogher still to come.  Someone get me some ritalin.

220 thoughts on “Unimportant trivia: Padma was once married to the guy who wrote “The Satanic Verses” (which I always refer to as “The Vampire Diaries” because I’m bad with titles).”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I love your cooking face. It’s similar to my concentration-face. Only better. Looking that is.

  5. I love the last picture- Its one of those pictures its so bad its awesome- you should give this out as your christmas card haha!

  9. Bloggess, please pack your knives and go. All of them. Even those meant to just stab Victor. You forgot one. Thank you.

    YOU SAY HILLSHIRE I SAY FARMS!

  10. Padma just does not appreciate good food, I’m still pissed at her from this week’s episode of Top Chef, thanks for adding fuel to the fire.

  11. Holy hell I adore you. I’d clone you except you’d fight each other to the death, tearing apart multiple realities in the process.

  14. I was “girl on right” but, for the record, I had not given up. I was just in awe of your amazing sandwich. And grateful that it did not include kittens.

  15. Your cooking face looks like a cross bewtween my pooping face and my orgasm face.

  16. I still think that sandwich looks delicious and I don’t even like ham. And believe me, no one who watches Top Chef cares about anything Padma says. We all wish that chick from season 1 would come back.

  17. Huh. Your cooking face is remarkably similar to my pooping face. That’s probably why nobody will eat my cooking.

  19. Well, I think you executed that perfectly. I can’t think of any better way to handle having to make a sandwich for Padma Lakshmi. Also, maybe it’s time for a companion blog, “The Bloggess … cooks?”

  22. That Padma is just being snooty for her audience. If she could hump Salman Rushdie, she shouldn’t have any problem eating a delicious mess like that. Don’t get me wrong, Rushdie is one of the, like, four best writers alive in my opinion, and I would not point out that he is an honest-to-god troll if I didn’t have the utmost respect (and blazing jealousy) for him.

  23. And it’s funny…I’m online right now to get a recipe when I see your post and I’m rethinking the very appealing appetizers I’m taking to a bridal shower tonight except I’m afraid they wouldn’t “understand” or “appreciate” if I stole your idea. They’re an unimaginative lot.

  25. Next year I am just going to shadow you because I keep reading your BlogHer posts and then emailing Jenny [Jerkface – not you but you know that] to ask “Where the fuck were WE when all this fun stuff was going on?! Did we even attend the same conference as the Bloggess?!?” and then Jenny [see above] reminds me that I’d carted a 1.75 liter bottle of berry-infused vodka into the city with me and as a result we spent a good part of the shindig holed up in our hotel room drinking. If I’d been in the audience, you could have made a flambe and then you probably would have won. Fire makes everything tastier.

  29. It’s the ham that’s the problem…without it I’m sure all the kids would have voted for you…oh and you’d have to not tell them the chocolate was organic too!

  31. I think I’m in love!!!! someone with the same sense of humor. The shot of whip cream was excellent but I don’t think she was impressed

  35. I think it’s fairly obvious that you didn’t move on to the next round due to your use of chocolate fudge for bondage. Everyone knows that bondage fudge is only used in breakfast recipes. What you needed was probably chocolate stirrups. Like Chocolate syrup but you make stirrups with it. I can see your confusion though as that totally sounds even more bondage-y than the fudge.

  36. That was awesome. The last photo is the BEST. And the ham. Anyone who doesn’t like meat with their candy should be suspect.

  37. I don’t care what Padma thinks, you have the three things needed to become a top foodblogger: gorgeous photos, superlative narrative, and unique recipe. I’m looking forward to more food posts like this from you.

  38. I would eat that sandwich. Then again, I’m eating a chocolate cupcake with mayonnaise right now.

    Also, did you ever notice that sandwiches are like the eeriest, most spectral of the lunch foods?

  39. That whole top chef thing is for amateurs. You’re a professional. You needed to hear: In the words of my uncle The Chairman, Allez Cuisine! Followed by smoke and the gasp of the audience.

    The secret ingredient? Who Cares, you’re The Bloggess. That’s secret ingredient enough!

  41. I can’t believe they didn’t want to taste that AMAZING chocolate, ham, bread stew…things.

    The blonde girl looks like she needs to run away from you now.

  42. Was I the only one who grew up on peanut butter and smartie sandwiches? And by “smarties” I mean the Canadian version of M&M’s not the American version of “Rockets”… same concept but without the ham. I hate ham.

  46. Shock and Awe…
    and I think Will wanted a piece of that action, he knows a good thing when he sees it
    Nicole is playing for the camera…I bet she’d like to pick at it…for a little bit

  47. Even though you say you don’t cook, I love the fact that you were tasting your cooking by squirting the whipped cream in your mouth. (Take that top chef)

    Looks like a fun time was had by all. Thanks for sharing,

  49. Hysterical! I was waiting for the elevator (SHOCKING, I know!) and Padma got off at my floor. I of course stared at her and she just kinda glanced at me and swished by. Did you notice she swished? So glad you got her with the whipped cream. Methinks she often looks displeased.

  52. I understand why those kids disqualified you. Your sandwich was lacking in bacon. True story, bacon makes everything better. Got something you don’t like, just add bacon! Can’t get your kids to take cough syrup, add some bacon and they’ll be begging for more. Damn it, I need to start writing commercials…and probably never reproduce.

  55. I’d never take my picture next to a supermodel. I have self-esteem issues. Major ones.

    Why when I went by Hillshire Farms did I see nothing exciting going on? They were filming something but I didn’t see any famous people. When you were there, I must’ve been in a session “learning” something.

    Hillshire Farms was on the same floor with McDonalds and Pillsbury (and they had some sweet product that sprayed out of a can), so your sandwich seems perfectly normal. It kinds sounds like a modern Monte Cristo. People who are ahead of their time are often misunderstood.

  56. I am a huge fan of top chef and Padma is the one person with whom my wife and I would cheat on each other and understand and I’m not given to gushing . . . . but you are the awesomest. Ever.

  58. Jesus Christ, you are funny. I was going to be all clever with my comment but, wtf, nothing does this post justice. My kids think I’m insane I was laughing so hard.

  59. I actually tend to find whipped cream is quite good on bread. Especially rye, that shit’s the best.

  60. I totally buy that organic chocolate sauce! That stuff’s legit. You were robbed indeed… and all because you were trying to do the right thing Karma-wise and feed the Padma. Honestly they knew the kids would pick yours as the winner hands down. I mean, you included all childrens’ favorite things. IN ONE SANDWICH.

  61. this post…right here…is why I love you.

    (and I would totally have eaten your breakfast sandwich (because to me it sounds like an excellent way to start the day)…except for the ham. and the bread. I would have picked those off. because I’m vegetarian….and I’m against bread on principle. it just takes up the space where more gummy bears would have fit. everything else sounds delicious.)

  64. Does the “face” get you out of cooking or is it just a reaction to the rare times hunger forces you to it? Hunger totally forces me to cook and a face would not work to get me out of it. That face is the one I wear when I have to eat out and they bring me the “allergy” menu which is the apartheid I live with because, as my husband points out, the earth is rejecting me.

  65. L.M.A.O. I love how she’s all “You’re daughter’s a diabetic and you make *THIS*” Sarcasm and humor apparently is lost on super models? I totally would have eaten your sandwich!

  68. No wonder my adult children hate my guts. I NEVER made them a kick ass love sandwhich of that level. I am headed to the kitchen to make one for my youngest. HELL TO THE YEAH. Maybe I can save his therapy money and put it into phonytails for me !

  70. Best title ever. In fact, Manoj, my husband, and I refer to her as “that chick who was once married to Salman Rushdie”

    I supposed she found out that fatwas aren’t dead sexy, after all.

  71. I would be freakin’ honored to get WHIPCREAMTOTHEFACE’d by The Bloggess. She needs to put her “Girls just wanna have fun” panties on. M&M and Fudge sammiches rock.

  72. You are a scream.

    You’re sandwich looked, now, how shall I put this? Actually scary.

    Then again, what do we Brits know about haute cuisine anyway?

  76. i thought you were fucking kidding about salman rushdie but i looked it up and IT’S TRUE. unless you changed padma-whatserfaces wikipedia entry. and salman rushdie’s. boy, he was married A LOT.

    i’d take a whip-it from you. what’s the matter with people?

  78. Wait, wait, wait, hold the phone. You *generously* offered someone a whipit and they declined? WTF???

    Oh… you offered whipped cream. I see. Well, it’s still just poor manners. I mean, it wasn’t like you asked them to lick it off your belly button.

    Wait… did you ask them to lick it off your belly button?

  79. It’s a sad world. Really, a very sad world. That is The Most AwesomEst Sandwich I’ve ever heard of. And seen! The kids should have gulped it down. Sad, sad, sad world.

  81. I’m at Sbux laughing out loud and the guy next to me is laughing because I’m laughing and it’s really only a matter of time before the entire place is rolling on the floor over here.

    It’s your fault.

  83. I like how Padma will eat a Dorito crusted fish stick that’s topped with Corn Nuts and a Dr. Pepper reduction on the Top Chef vending machine competition, but she’s too good for your sandwich. That bitch doesn’t know what she’s missing!

  84. I love how on the video the blonde says something about Julia Child… while you have your Hershey’s chocolate syrup flung two feet above your masterpiece. Priceless!

  85. Your sandwich is awesome. Those kids don’t know what they’re missing. And the last pic is the best. You should use it for you Halloween cards.

  87. You know, they always talk about taking risks on Top Chef, but evidently it’s all bullshit. Your sandwich should have won.

  88. Oh come on now, we all know that face. That face is the “I haven’t pooped in days because I am sharing a room face”. Been there, done that. Without the whipped cream and super model of course.

  89. Some people are too traditional, and can’t get with the dessert and dinner together in one sandwich concept. It all mixes together in your stomach, so what’s the problem?

    We always eat our whipped cream straight out of the can. Until now, I didn’t know there was a name for it. See? Your blog is educational.

  90. “…but I figured if I’m going to do this I should totally carb-load the sandwich because Padma needs to eat something, y’all.”
    Totally made my day. And what a snob for not trying your love sandwhich. I totally would have. If it wasn’t for the ham. Why the ham, Jenny? On second thought, I would still eat it if it would make me more like you.

    Also, you look lovely.

  91. OMFG…truly hysterical and the pictures just added that edge. If I didn’t love you before, this would have pushed me over the edge.

  92. Your cooking face looks like Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz when the guy from The Lollipop Guild crawls under her skirt. It’s in my version.

  94. I love your cooking face. And I love that you put it on your blog. And I love that you are doing your cooking face next to a supermodel. You are the best.

  95. found out where you went wrong, it was the sweet n low packets. those mixed with anything with REAL sugar tastes nasty. Otherwise you would have won!

  97. That has to be the healthiest sandwich ever. Chocolate = cocoa beans, sugar = cane, bread = wheat, there’s three of your five-a-day right there.

    And ham is just processed grass (do pigs eat grass?). Those kids don’t know what’s good for them.

  98. I love your blog. It always made me literally laugh out loud, and that is an awesome and amazing thing. And yeah, I realize that this isn’t an actual comment about this specific blog entry, but I was just sort of summarizing. 🙂

  99. Holy moly you are probably the funniest woman on the planet. Also, are you sure you’re not Canadian? You’ve got the self-deprecation down.

    Love, Your Canadian Friend.

  101. Jenny! You are so COOL! First, PHONY TAIL. Second, in a competition sponsored by Hillshire Farms YOU were the only one who managed to smuggle in whipped cream, M&Ms and chocolate fudge. You totally should have one on those merits alone. Third, I made a “Dagwood” sandwich almost like that except mine also had pickles and Twinkies on it. It was the best sandwich I ever had. And? You’ve garnered further proof that supermodels take themselves much too seriously. They need to learn to laugh at themselves….you know….the way the rest of us do.

    “Diabetes Delights” all around!

  102. I’ve never heard of this Panda person before. I think that she was just jealous that you are more famous ( or infamous) than she ever will be.

  104. “Who the hell is Padma?”
    “She’s that lady with the mike standing next to The Bloggess”

    Sounds like a joke, except that’s what was running through my mind (both sides of the conversation, yes). We don’t get cable up here in Canada. It melts holes in our igloos. And fucks up the sled-dogs attention spans.

    LOLJK! I’m just too cheap. And the sled-dog thing.

  107. OMG Jenny I thought you couldn’t make me laugh any harder after the “Hell yeah. My sandwich is so sexy she’s gonna need a wet wipe” comment, but then the orphan kids had me rolling for at least 2 minutes. Of which my neighbors now know for sure that I’m insane.

    See you next year!

  109. Oh. My. Lord. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Well done. Your sandwich looks delicious.

  110. Could not be more happy and awesome in those pictures. I love love love that you were comical and fun and I want to push the ladies near you and be like ‘she’s fun you are boring’.
    D

  111. I want to marry you for this. Seriously. You are insane and brilliant. And I snorted wine out of my nose which really hurts, in case you didn’t know. Like, REALLY hurts. But it was worth it.

    We didn’t do any of this shit because we were too busy drinking in our room and being anti-social. Damn.

  112. This is the best post I’ve read all week. Real kids would love that sandwich! I almost woke up my kids from laughing so hard. You know, in our school system this would probably pass as health food – lol!

  113. ROTFLMAO. R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O.

    I can’t stop laughing. In fact, I laughed so hard I literally laughed my ass off. Thanks to you, Jenny, I am now ass-less.

    ~EdT. the Ass-less

  114. maybe she didn’t eat your sandwich because she was afraid that if she ever ate fudge-on-ham, she’d never go back to her gourmet salad lifestyle.

  115. Holy crap, I was just doubled over with laughter over this. Monty Python type shizz you pulled off there. Would’ve loved to have witnessed it. “Fucking Shenanigans!” And, were it twenty years ago and were we in high school, I would totally have done whip-its with you. Brain damage risk be damned! <3 you and thank you!

  116. OK this comment has nothing to do with your sandwich because you’re not the only one who needs Ritalin.

    Over on PopEater there’s a story about Brigitte Bardot being mad because they’re doing a biopic of her without her permission and then there was one of those picture slide shows and I swear to GOD, the first picture looks exactly like you. So I tried to save it as a gif or a bmp to send to you but fucking PopEater is all NO WAY and made it so the pictures came out blank.

    Anyway, you totally look like Brigitte Bardot. In 1956.

  117. I hate to break it to you but Hillshire Farms totally set you up. Did anyone else happen to notice that YOU are the only contestant surrounded by DESSERT TOPPINGS?! I’d like to know where Jenny’s motherfucking aioli ingredients were, huh? I don’t know who is reponsible, but I’m pretty sure we can blame Obama.

  118. Padawan still needs to eat and get some meat on those bones? Because I’ve been watching Top Chef from the first episode, and I’ve been thinkin’ that since she had that baby that she’s been looking pretty soft and doughy. Her boobs are majorly bodacious lately, though.

  119. That picture is possibly the best picture ever captured by anyone anywhere ever. I mean seriously.

    Also, that sandwich sounds like heaven. Ham? GOOD. Whipped cream? GOOD. What’s not to like?

  120. I’m all “THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME.” I especially love that Padma thought you fed your diabetic child the sandwich.

  121. That’s some good advice there- when standing next to a supermodel, really go for it. True. And, you was robbed.

  126. Hahaha Just got done watching the video, I love how you randomly spray whip cream into your mouth as she’s asking you a question! You’re the best, I really wish I was old enough (and had a successful blog) to go to BlogHer so I could meet you.

  127. My mom used to feed me butter and sugar sandwiches on white bread. At least yours had protein (ham), fiber (caramel corn) and antioxidants (blue dye #3 and chocolate).
    If Padma doesn’t recognize a balanced meal when she sees one, then who is she to be all “judgey”(judgy?) about your parenting?

  128. I haven’t been offered whip its since high school, geesh, I feel so damn old! Keely and Roto, my pooping face and orgasm face are the same, what gives?????

  129. I can’t believe no one else was laughing in that video, what a bunch of uptight pricks. I haven’t laughed this much in a long time, well done. I absolutely adore you Bloggess <3.

  130. Oh dear god, I think I might have broken something from laughing so hard. Also, I just watched King of the Hill and now I think I have gout. How am I ever going to recover from the gout if I broke my laugher? I’m going to permanently look like your cooking face whenever I laugh now. Thanks a lot.

    PS: You’re awesome and I love the red dress. If I ever make enough money to leave the house I’m totally going to the store and buying one. (If I’m not too freaked out by talking to the strangers at the mall, of course.)

  131. OMGosh…I think that I found my long lost twin sister! LOL you are hilarious! My oldest daughter (21 yr old of my first set) always reminds me how inappropriate I am for a mom, and I think I have found another mom as inappropriate as me! I love your blog!!

  132. What??? I was there and i missed you at the Padma food challenge?? I did leave after the first round of bloggers to yap with HAUTELOOK AND PLAYSKOOL, then came back a little after but probably missed you making your yummy meal! Would love to meet you in the future!

  133. I had a feeling that I had failed BlogHer for some reason and now I know it’s because I missed this.

    I live on the Twitter and how I missed any reference to this while it was happening is baffling.

  134. I got an invite to this sandwich making thing because I started a food blog and because I’m now a food blogger I’m supposed to get excited about Top Chef and know who this Padma person is. But really I was more excited that The Sun was going to be there and blew off making sandwiches for getting my picture taken with The Sun and his costumer gave me a safety pin so I wouldn’t flash the rest of the conference because flashing the Pillsbury doughboy is just wrong on so many levels. Molesting him however is awesome because he makes that “whoo-hoo” noise no matter what.

  135. I think the trick with Padma is to look at her arm and keep telling yourself she’s horribly horribly scarred. Over and over.. and then realize no matter how you say it you are a liar.

  137. BlogHer looks terrifying but also sort of fun. I’d probably be hiding in the bathroom because people scare me, and that means I’d be with all the right people. So I guess it would be awesome. And I would DEFINITELY eat that sandwich.

  139. By the look on your face in that photo, I’d have surmised that you were really constipated. Probably all that rich food in that wicked city. Next time just give me a call. I always travel with glycerin suppositories for just such emergencies. And I sell them at such reasonable prices!

  140. This post made me laugh in a very loud and screechy fashion. Glad you weren’t here because it got kind of scary there for a while.

  141. You were so robbed!!! That sandwich was amazing!! The colors were so vivid!! I think it was jealousy, they wish they could have come up with that. My sis loves peanut butter and turkey sandwiches.. now that is some gross shit..

  142. Filming that was officially one of my top BlogHer moments. Sorry I kept kutting your head off but I was laughing too much!
    Give me a shout when the copy of The Times arrives.
    xx

  144. LOL – you have no idea how much I wish I’d seen this. It’s awesome to actually hear you saying the things you say you say 🙂

  145. I’m salivating over this.

    Padma is a fucking idiot, but seriosuly, she was probably just really hungry. Maybe you should’ve offered her the ham? Also, these kids probably hadn’t ever seen that much amazing in a sandwich, ever, so their heads imploded and thus couldn’t make proper voting decisions. In any case, you were robbed.

  147. Padma apparently forgot that she made a commercial where she was pretty much giving a blow job to a Burger King sandwich on camera, or she wouldn’t be acting so high-and-mighty.

  148. I am SO trying out the “tough love” stance in my classroom this year. If a kid doesn’t know his/her multiplication charts, tough shit. We’ll just keep doing over and over and over THAT DAY because it’s “tough love” and I’ll quote you when I say that.

    P.S. That’s how I look when I cook too.

  150. My one year old is a total garbage can. She will literally eat anything. Too bad she wasn’t one of the kid judges, because you seriously would have moved on to the next round.

    Has to be one of your best posts ever!

  151. I was going to try to get invited to Blogher, pay for a R/T ticket from France, suffer jetlag, and try to find you in the bathroom while I was there next year because I thought everyone was an intello such as yourself. However, now that I’ve found out that they let supermodels in, there’s no way I’m coming. I am so bummed.

    I would have eaten that sandwich IF you had left out the ham and bread. I think that’s where the prize got away from you. BTW, the whipped-cream-spraying face that you are making has got PadThai’s Valley Girl mouth action all beat to Hell.

  152. LOL! Awesome sandwich Jenny! I wish I had the confidence you have to enter that contest and totally mock it. That blond chick needs some humor in her life. I’m sure that’s why they put you next to her. I’ll bet her blog is not funny.

  153. Perhaps if you slathered your sandwich ingredients all over Salman Rushdie. The woman was only acting uppity. She once described a horrid car crash as an exhilarating hallucination. She’s as twisted as the rest of it.

  154. I can’t see the video anywhere. It’s making me do the sad face. Which is nothing compared to your cooking face.

    I’m totally stealing this recipe and making for my kids because I will then win the coveted Best Mom Ever award. At least for the five minutes it will take them to each such a concoction.

  155. FTW?

    A ham, chocolate fudge, gummi bears, m&m’s, whipped cream, chocolate fudge(x2), caramel corn and sweet-and-low sandwich is like a high five from everything that’s good in this world.

    (Well, except for maybe the ham part.)

    You were definitely robbed.

  157. Who says no to a whipit? Losers…(sorry, I know you’re reading this “girls on left and right of Jenny” but you refused a whipit! WTF?)

  158. I read through all these comments, hoping there would be one, just one, from Padma or Tom. But no.

    You know she docked you because you make your own chocolate sauce right? It’s like buying premade sausage.

  160. This is eerily similar to the “Three Layer Crisco-Lard-Butter Trifle” I give my father-in-law who has dangerously high cholesterol. The secret ingredient is ‘love.’

  163. I can’t believe she refused to try it.

    She was married to Salamon Rushdie, so you know she’s had something worse in her mouth than your sandwich!

  164. I made your sandwich back in 1970. It was very good as I recall. At least I thought it was at the time. Of course we’d all done a bunch of honey slides and had the munchies so bad we’d probably have eaten aluminum siding if nothing else had been available.

  165. Jenny, im totally gonna make that sandwich for my roommate. Im a foodie and thats genius. Wish you could have added some lettuce to make it a teensy bit healthier. but organic fudge and all… what a masterpiece.
    PAdma should have eaten it. she would have been reborn.

  166. New addict…Still feeling out the vibes, but I almost PMSL reading this shit. Now Imma hafta go back and read some serious archives. I’m totes a Twitard, so natch the twat waffles over there sent me over since they sing your praises. I am completely looking forward to reading more. Yessah.

  167. I showed the sandwich pics and video to my 18 yr old daughter. She’s all “I’d totally eat that! Except for the ham and bread part.”
    Your friends totally cracking up while shooting the video really gave it that extra hilarious-ness!

  169. You rock so fucking hard. That is the most hilarious food-related thing I think I’ve ever read. She’s too good to eat such a masterpiece of a sandwich and is too delicate to be splattered with whipped cream spray? Weak. Whipped cream is what separates the women from the girls. Well, that and vibrators.

  171. Did you touch her scar? I could never do Top Chef – not because I can’t cook, but because I would be unable to look Padma in the eye because I would be stalker-obsessed with her crazy violent arm. I want there to be a scar-shot based drinking game. That way I would be too hammered to care who throws whom under the bus during Judges table.

  172. Who made the amazing mental leap of cooking, food, eating, sandwiches and, errr, supermodel?

  174. Damn damn and damn again! (I’ve repeated it three times because I seriously have just had a brain overload from all of the laughter.) (Also I’m silently cursing my French teacher just now for not teaching me anything useful, like the really GOOD swear words, to use in this situation.)

    I have totally fallen prey to your charms and I’m pretty f*cking pissed off about it, I have to tell you.

    This story is so full of AWESOMENESS it should have been written by ME.

    I will forever be your devoted follower (and a little bit jealous of you, which is totally shocking because I’m rarely jealous of ANYONE.)

    (Except Hillary Clinton, of course. Smart, not heinously unattractive and gets to hang out with Barack all day. Say what you will about him, he’s totally shaggable.)

    – B x

  175. Wrong kids judging? My 8 yr old son would MAKE a sandwich like that and then eat it too. But he’d probably have more layers of bread. And I could sprinkle his dexies on the organic fudge sauce, only way he takes it.

  176. Oh my gosh this was funny. Looks like stiff competition – the way they didn’t seem to crack a smile. *Snicker* That’s terrible you didn’t move on, they should’ve had some kid judges… bet you would’ve won. 🙂

  178. “The Aftermath” looks like a piece of modern art. Are you sure it doesn’t belong in a museum?

    Oh, and btw I am *totally* expecting to see you on Top Chef next season. You would totally kick ass (and probably braise it, as well) on that show. And they wouldn’t have to [BLEEEEEP] any more than usual.

    ~EdT.

  181. I hate it when I’m late to the party and someone steals my line in the sixth comment. Yeah. I’m watching you Avitable.

  185. Well, I’m pretty sure the copious amount of laughter your blog made me do today makes up for deciding to skip part of my exercise routine.

    FYI, your sandwich sounds a lot more tasty than one of my current favourites: Vegemite and salt-n-vinegar chips (crisps, whatever the ones you DON’T smother in sauce are called). But I can’t eat it, because I’m reaaallly close to being diabetic.

    I did lick the screen a little.

  186. I think you’re right about the kids. I mean what kid would NOT try to eat that sandwich? I think the whole freaking competition was rigged. Those kids must have been paid to hate all over your sandwich, cos like money is the only thing kids would not eat that sandwich for. Pffft.

  187. You had me at white bread, ham and chocolatre fudge… is that good or bad?

    You cooking expression is better than mine, which tends to be a potent mix of overwhelmed and pissed off.

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE Padma, did you see her guest shot on 30 Rock? Beautiful and funny. Oh yeah, and rich and famous. Bitch. I hate her now.

  188. Sounds to me like they were into the whole less is more way of cooking (Padma is into the less way of eating. Obviously). Let each ingredient speak to the person ENJOYING the creation. Years ago it used to be called California Cuisine where they’d give you an ounce of rare beef with a slice of potato and a sprig of rosemary on top. WHAT? Give me your ham, m&ms, whipped cream, organic chocolate fudge sandwich any day.

  189. I love you for posting your worst picture. You are awesome. And I bet if it wasn’t for you, that cooking competition would have blown.

  190. If it’s any consolation, and I’m pretty sure it’s not, that may also be the worst picture of Padma ever taken. You can see the wheels turning in her pretty little head…”OMG, I’m totally going to have to eat this…oh, wait a minute…I’m pretty…I don’t have to do shit if I don’t want to.”

    I’m going to offer up a recipe that I have been saving until I can make some money from it, but I think it’s now my duty as a caring human being to share it with everyone even though I am now more desperate for money than I have ever been. It came to me in a vision when I was two weeks into a diet. It may have been a starvation induced hallucination, but the results were visionary in any event. It’s simplicity itself. Take a plain glazed donut. Cut it in half crosswise (like a bagel). Fry the halves, glazed side up, in butter until they get just crispy and golden brown on the bottom. Turn them out, bottom side up, into a shallow bowl. Put a scoop of vanilla ice cream in the middle of each donut. Add the topping of your choice. I like caramel and chocolate together. I have no idea what to call it, maybe just simply a donut sundae, but it is like the correct answer to a prayer when you eat it.

  191. BTW, you’d think that a woman who was married to a guy with an execution fatwa on his head would be more open to trying new things.

  192. fyi that last pic of you and your “cooking face” is my christmas card this year. screw the pic of me, hubby, and our soon to be baby, THAT says “happy holidays”.

    padma exists on eating dust, don’t let anyone fool you.

  194. Your cooking face looks like my constipation face. And I know that most folks know what their constipation face looks like because – hello, bathrooms have mirrors. But I’d be interested in how some of these folks know what their O face looks like. You know, maybe get some new ideas…

    And FWIW, my O face looks more like my I’ve-been-needing-to-pee-for-three-solid-hours-and-now-I-FINALLY-get-to-let-it-out face, except with one of them I usually have my eyes closed. And don’t make as much noise.

    AWESOME post – as usual! The body formerly known as Lady Rushdie needs to get over herself and just move on.

  195. Even though you already have thousands of comments on this post, I just had to write and tell you how much I LOVED this! Laughing out loud at work.
    I met Padma at Blogher too and she was not nice at all. WTF Padma? Either show up and do the job or stay home. There’s a picture of the two of us on my BlogHer recap post. Only one of us is smiling…
    PS – There’s also a picture of you.

  197. Okay I have always thought you were awesome, but now you have now officially entered my hall of fame of awesomeness (you’re joining an elite list that includes Richard Branson, Kathy Griffin, Lady Gaga and my friend Jason who’s a gay marriage campaigner and leather aficionado). And fan-frickin-tastic that somebody is showing all those fru-fru cooks how to make a decent sandwich. It’s about time. And I gotta say, those were some fussy orphans (I guess they’re from NYC, so what can you expect?). My African orphans would whip their asses in an international orphan smackdown. For reals.

  199. When I was in high school I worked in a frozen yogurt shop and when the boss was away my co-“workers” and I would put a bell on the door and go back and stand in the big fridge and suck all the nitrous from the whipped cream cans and ignore the bell when people came in because we were too busy enjoying that “wa-wa-wa” stage of the whip it. It was awesome. And the boss could never figure out why we all giggled when he got angry at his supplier company for always sending him cannisters that were filled with un-whippy whipped cream.

    So you can imagine what fond memories this post brings back for me.

  200. Don’t sweat it. Everyone knows those jerks at Hillshre Farms don’t have any taste. If that had been Oscar Mayer, you totally would have won.

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  205. I’m new to your blog and twitter and all sorts of things and I had the best laugh tonight reading your blogher posts. Seriously thank you!

  206. Ah Jenny! I needed a good laugh this morning. I just read your series of BlogHer posts and here’s my random thoughts:

    a. I love your phony tail. Seriously! Best. Wig. Evs!
    b. So awesome seeing you at Social Luxe Lounge and so not awesome not seeing you anywhere else, esp at the sandwich making competition. I totally would have voted for you even though I wasn’t short enough to be a judge.
    c. Your cooking face/pic should go in some hall of fame. Maybe it could be your official mayoral head shot or something. Do you think you could get a cat to make a similar face, becuz that would rock to have you and a cat with matching cooking faces.
    d. If you ever need me to get you a drink, if I didn’t get the alcohol right, I’d at least make sure it had a pretty umbrella for you, cuz us Mormons are nice like that, even if we can’t get our liquor straight. 😀
    e. I am pretty sure someone has been murdered in the library and they’re covering it up. Next time BlogHer’s in NY, let’s have an investigation!

    xoxo

  207. I love your recipe Pamda and the orphan judges should have better appreciated your efforts!

  208. Being that that close to Padma Lakshmi and spraying white goo from a cylindrical object?

    I’ve had that dream.

  210. This is not only the best Blogher coverage I’ve come across this past week and it MIGHT be the funniest post ever written.
    “You can tell that no one knows me here because they gave me a knife.”
    Classic.

  211. I wish I had been there to witness this in person, but after a few minutes I kinda catapulted out of the expo hall like I was running for my life (after I picked up my free spanx assets, natch.) Props to you for including that horrible photo of yourself. When one of my sons went to pre-school, out of the 10 moms of kids in his class? Two models. WTF? Way to make me feel like chopped liver every morning.

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  214. So dumb question – but one of the judges “Nicole” looks like Snooki from Jersey Shore, is it her? She’s almost as tan as Snooki is, but you’re right she doesn’t know how to hide her emotions well. And neither does Snooki – so it could be her.

  215. Padma obviously doesn’t have a clue, she doesn’t even understand that the type
    of material she is wearing is see through when a camera flashes. The whole way through this post I was curiously wonderig if she was wearing underwear or not.

  217. You made me laugh at your cooking face, you are actually shock of what you are doing. Padma is cool and she is a little bit foolish to marry a satanist one.

  219. I’m really loving the theme/design of your website. Do you ever
    run into any browser compatibility issues?
    A couple of my blog visitors have complained about my website not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Firefox.
    Do you have any advice to help fix this problem?

  220. I think everything said made a bunch of sense. But, think about this, suppose
    you composed a catchier title? I mean, I don’t wish to tell you how to run your website, however
    what if you added something that grabbed a person’s attention? I
    mean Unimportant trivia: Padma was once married to the guy who wrote “The Satanic Verses”
    (which I always refer to as “The Vampire Diaries”
    because I’m bad with titles). | The Bloggess is kinda vanilla.

    You might look at Yahoo’s home page and note how they create news titles to grab people to open the links.
    You might try adding a video or a related picture
    or two to grab people excited about everything’ve got to say.
    In my opinion, it would make your posts a little bit more interesting.

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