Disclaimer: You shouldn’t read this.
So I called a million (a million = 14) places to get someone to come disinter my dog that was already partially disinterred by the horrible vultures that I attacked with a machete but NO ONE would come because it’s the weekend and then I found a guy on craigslist who said he’d do it but then I looked up his email address and he also has ads for people who are looking for prostitutes so basically he’s a pimp and it felt weird to invite a pimp over when it’s just me and Hailey and WHY IS VICTOR NOT HOME YET? So then my friend Laura called and I was all “I’m fine” and she’s like “Well, you don’t sound fine. I’m coming over to dig up your dead dog” and I was all “NO! No one needs to see that. Especially you because you knew him” and she was all “You sound terrible. We’ll be right over. I’m bringing my four year old. And a shovel”. And she did. And I couldn’t let her do it alone so we put on a video game for the kids and told them we were going gardening and then we both put on gloves and she put on a bandana to mask the smell and we did it. And by “did it” I mean that we dug up my dog except that I did it with my eyes mostly closed because I couldn’t bear to look and so Laura was all “Okay, lift. Shovel to the left. Further…further…lower into the box…DONE! HIGH FIVE TEAM.” Then we carried the box we placed him in up to the house and as we did she said “Aw. We’re Barnaby Jones’ paw-bearers. Get it? Laugh now.” And I did. I laughed as I carried my sweet, dead dog from his shallow desecrated little grave. And that’s when I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have friends like Laura. Because she took something traumatic and awful and made it…okay. Then we came inside and washed our hands for an hour and then she told me that she had everything in her purse to make fresh salsa, including beer and a tiny cuisinart because she knows I don’t own appliances. And at the end of a week that was so horrific that I didn’t think I’d come out the other side again I somehow ended it feeling something that I never would have expected. Lucky.
Thank you, Laura. And thank you to everyone else who made this week so much less unbearable. Thank you.
PS. Hailey decided to take a picture of Laura and I after we were done “gardening”. It is the single worst and best picture I own.
PS. DM I just got from Laura:
UPDATED: This has nothing to do with me touching myself inappropriately and everything to do with why I’m no longer responding to emails: