There’s a guy in my attic trying to fish out the dead squirrel that got stuck in my wall. Time to appreciate your jobs, people.

in everything in the country wants to kill you, Random Crap

Last week the pest control guy was at my house trying to get a dead squirrel out of my wall and I didn’t have the greatest confidence in the guy to begin with because when I called the week before to complain that something very large was hurling itself at my bedroom wall the pest control guy was all “It’s probably a field mouse” and I was all “No.  It’s crazy loud and huge. It sounds like a demon is throwing a bear into the wall.  Or a baby chupacabra with a handgun” and the pest guy was all “A chewpa-what?”  Because HE’D NEVER HEARD OF A CHUPACABRA.  Then I was like “Wait…seriously? Are you new?”  Because that’s the kinda shit I would expect my pest control guy to know.  Then I called Victor and I was all “Okay, our pest control guy doesn’t know what a chupacabra is” and he was all “Really? We live in Texas.  That shit should be on the exam” and I was like “EXACTLY.”  And that’s why I’m still married to Victor.

Then a week later it started to smell odd and it was pretty obvious that the chupacabra was dead in the wall so the pest guy came out and said it was a squirrel that fell into a hole in between the walls and that he was going to try to “hook him” from the attic but he couldn’t reach him so he gave up.  Then the next day another dead-squirrel fisherman from the same company came by because he wanted to try to hook it. So basically my house is like a giant claw crane game and the prize is a dead squirrel.  After about 30 minutes of the squirrell fisherman being in the attic I started to suspect that he’d been murdered by the remaining chupacabras but turns out that he’d just given up and dumped a bottle of rat-sorb into the wall.  That’s a real thing, y’all.  “Rat-sorb”.  To absorb the smell of dead animals.  That’s on the label.  I wish this was all stuff that I still didn’t know.

So finally the smell has dissipated but a few minutes ago I heard something shuffling around in the walls again so I decided to scare it out by screaming and growling and pounding on the walls like I was a vicious predator but then I turned around and both of the cats were just staring at me disgustedly like “You’re embarrassing us all here” and I was all “Oh fuck you, cats.  At least I’m trying” and that’s when I noticed that our mailman was at my door staring at me through the glass so I explained that I was trying to scare away the the chupacara in my wall and he was all  “Oh.  It’s probably W.C. Fields” and then I just stood there because usually I’m the weird one in the conversation and I wanted to appreciate the moment.  Turns out though that there’s actually an escaped, angry spider monkey named “W.C. Fields” stalking our area who just attacked a woman and trapped her in her garage for an hour.  All of this is true, y’all.

So I looked up “spider monkey” on the internet and apparently they’re afraid of pumas so I’ve been playing the sounds of pumas screaming on a loop on my computer.  So far I haven’t heard any noises from the walls, which I think pretty much confirms that we totally have a spider monkey in there.  Victor says it just confirms that it’s impossible to hear anything when the house is filled with screaming pumas.  Then he yelled at me about the kitchen being dirty but it was easy to tune him out because of all the pumas.  Which?  Kind of a bonus.  Screaming pumas are my new soundtrack.

PS. MSNBC on the still-loose spider monkey: “Don’t go outside.  Don’t try to pet him. Do not befriend him.”  Awesome. The spider monkey has just become the hero from “The Running Man”.

Comment of the day: So Jenny, I love you, and not in the weird romantic way but in the way that every time I think my life sucks horribly and I can hear my mom’s friend saying “every time I think my life is bad I just think ‘at least I don’t have a dead sheep in my bathroom.’”
Yeah, true story. I totally had a sheep, and it was sick and then my mother was like..”We’re going to save it from it’s horrible sickness and fever now go and put it in the bathroom! and crank up the ac” and I was all like…”Oh fuck, I have a dying sheep in my bathroom and my house is a huge freezer, how much more fucked up could my life get?” And then the sheep died and I thought, that, that right there is how much more fucked up my life could be.
And now like, five or six years later my mother is all “homg our rooster Jay has a broken leg that will never work again, therefore once winter comes we shall do what we did to Micheal (our other rooster) we shall carry him into the bathroom at night and let him sleep inside” ~ Yeah, exactly. What the fuck? But in all regards I do love Jay the Rooster, he’s bad ass and I applaud my mothers generosity to our farm pets.
But still thanks, for having a dead squirrel in your wall that no one can fish out. It makes me feel less alone. ~ Rebekah Mae

235 thoughts on “There’s a guy in my attic trying to fish out the dead squirrel that got stuck in my wall. Time to appreciate your jobs, people.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. i say just bring some real puma’s in your house it will get the spider monkey out… im just not really sure on what you use to get the puma’s out though…

  3. Squirrels are of the devil. My ex hubs once shot up the house trying to get rid of one that had come in a window and the next week one crawled in our hot water heater and died in the pipe. You should smell boiled squirrel.

  4. I pulled a piece of lint off my shoulder today that turned out to be a spider. And it was alive. Until I stomped it to death in a total spastic fear dance. This is after my mom has been warning me that brown recluse spiders are everywhere. So now I’m just waiting for the necrosis to start. That’s all I have today, and it doesn’t involve pumas, but it was enough.

  5. Do you have a puma tracksuit? You should put that on too! And oh, shoes also. Remember Ben Stiller and his kids in Royal Tenenbaums? Love those red puma suits.

  7. I always hear things in our attic. Problem? We don’t have an attic. Which basically leaves the option that I’m completely bat shit crazy and hearing things.

  17. I grew up in Texas, North Texas, and I didn’t know what a chupacabra was until I became an adult. It was on one of my kids study questions for a school exams he was studying for here in Texas – TRUE!

    BTW, spider monkeys are way too big to be mistaken for lint and too agile to be stomped on . They also have one nasty bite. Jump on – bite – jump off. Like a fast midget vampires with an attitude. There was one in the in the neighborhood where I grew up. The owners had the audacity to call it a pet. More like a miniature Rottweiler guard dog that could climb and swing. And it was a food thief too, or maybe that was its form of extortion.

  18. Maybe you need to set some Mrs. Fields cookies on your front drive so the Mr.Fields monkey will be all.. Hey those sound familiar. I wonder if they belong to me. And thats when you start running after it in your Puma shoes playing a puma track on a Walkman thing, although its probably not called that anymore.. Like an iPod thing with speakers though instead of headphones… And he will either runaway screaming or die laughing.

  19. Yesterday, I was watering the plants, and I saw all kinds of gray fur under the deck. So, I emailed my husband to tell him that we must have a possum living under the deck. He emailed me back to tell me that it was his hair. I guess he was cutting it outside. Do you think the puma screeching soundtrack works on husbands?

  20. Just wait– I once lived in a vermin shack like yours and one day I came home to find the neighbor boy jumping around the shed at the end of the property “stompin’ roaches”. A chupacabra would probably be your best bet at this point.

  23. Hey, I’m no wildlife expert, but my instincts says feed the goddamned monkey. Why would you want a hungry monkey on your hands? A hungry monkey is a cranky monkey. Perhaps I’m projecting, but I say pushing a Xanax into a hunk of banana is your best shot at surviving this thing. If W.C. Fields doesn’t want it, you can have it, so it’s not like it’s going to waste.

  24. I live in Illinois, where Chupacabra certification is #1 on the pest controller’s licensing exam. Just sayin’.

  25. You had me all the way up until playing the puma sounds because I had no idea running sneakers could make noise let alone scare away animals. Maybe you should just drop some shoes into the wall and be done with it.

  28. She brought in the puma to catch the spider monkey
    that wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her walls

    She brought in the spider monkey to catch the squirrel
    I don’t know why she brought in the squirrel
    Perhaps it’s dead.

  29. So when those kids in that Ricky Bobby movie were like “I’ma come at you like a spider monkey!”, it was actually an accurate comparison. Wow-I’m going to count learning something today as being productive!

  30. deb rox is on point. shove a xanax into a banana and put w.c. fields to bed. then collect the reward. because i’m sure there’s some kind of reward for befriending or capturing a loose spider monkey.

    and if there isn’t, i’d pay you for a photo of the spider monkey eating said banana. but not much, only like $5. sorry, i just bought new jewelry so i’m tapped.

  32. Any pest control dude worth his salt knows what a chupacabra is. And the goods ones carry chupacabra repellent. I think you can get it at Wal-Mart.

  33. Every night, while I’m trying to sleep, I hear chirping noises coming from the chimney. I always thought I had a snoring bird living in there, but now I’m pretty sure it’s W.C. Fields. Spider monkeys are assholes.

  34. Why is it that people always show up unexpectedly at the worst possible times? Can’t even get in a good scream at your own damn wall without people getting in the way…………….

  35. Oh my goodness, I could not stop laughing at your post. Well, obviously, I could EVENTUALLY. You didn’t curse me with some laugh-’til-you-die kind of thing… although if you HAD to be curse with something until you die, that one doesn’t seem all that bad.

  36. Freak hill-country hurricanes. Chupacabras in the walls. Pharmacies without Xanax. Kidney infections. Scorpions. Escaped spider monkeys named after dead comedians. And you’ve only lived in this new home how long? Is there a word for someone who’s like a jinx but instead of attracting only bad luck to everything around them they attract bizarre random shit? I think there is. I think that word is VICTOR.

  37. So, did you pay extra for all the horror that happens in the house, or did it come as a free bonus?
    I would not have signed up for the free bonus, but because you are the bravest woman ever – you just said “Come on Scary Horror Film Shit – I can take it.”
    Once again – you are my hero. I can only hope to be like you.

  38. I feel like stuff like this doesn’t happen in Pennsylvania. Not sure if that’s a positive or a negative. I’m pretty sure there are some bats hanging out in my wall though. I hate bats. Mostly because thier mice that *fly*. Who thought of that?

  39. I like the “don’t try to feed him at this point” end to the story. So like at what point can you feed the spider monkey?

    A long long time ago when I was a kid we had a rat die in our attic and I had the good fortune of being the only one in the house small enough to crawl up to where the rat was and to grab it with a plastic bag. I wore a bandana across my face and I actually went up there and saw the half eaten (by maggots I suppose) rat and I bagged it and brought it out. OMG! Yes, that’s the kind of sadistic parents I had. Kind of built character I guess.

  40. I hate squirrels. HATE THEM. They always look like they’re ready to jump you, like you’re the Crips and they’re the Bloods and they will cut you for being in their territory.

    Also, in school, a squirrel got up in the ceiling and kept DANGLING DOWN into the classroom. The prof kept trying to gamely go on lecturing. I left. If one squirrel was up there, there was probably a whole army of them, and I did not want to be at the site of the massacre.

    But I’m sure you only had the one chupacabre. [How did he not know that? It’s on the XFILES!!]

  42. Wait… WAIT….Wait a goddamned MINUTE HERE. They’re just going to LEAVE THE DEAD SQUIRREL IN YOUR WALL TO ROT???? I can’t believe this is the second post I’ve read today where burning down the house is what I would do. You and Shauna Glenn for real. I’d burn down both houses. And NOW clearly the dead squirrel’s all pissed and sending it’s ghost to bang on your wals because what an improper burial site. And the pumas may work by day… but wait til Mr Ghosty Squirrel starts up at night. Who are these exterminators and why do they suck so much and PLEASE tell me you’ve plugged the hole for the sake of everything holy. Jesus, Mary and Joseph what what the hell?

    HM

  45. I’m impressed that your cats allow you to play the sound of pumas screaming. That kind of thing drives my cats crazy — they run to all the doors and windows to try to find the intruder, then wind up fighting with each other. Anyone watching a nature documentary at my house gets a free sideshow.

  46. Now you’ve done it. of course I had to hear what screaming pumas sounded like and now my doglet ( 20 lbs or under look it up) won’t stop barking. Can’t find the pumas, would be puma chow in 2 seconds but he won’t shut up about it!

  47. When we lived in TX, near Grapevine lake, dead rats in the walls seemed like the norm. The smell peaks after a couple of days and by the 10th day it completely disappears. !10 DAYS PEOPLE!!! Also, Screaming Pumas makes a great band name. Also.

  48. i think you probably had a spider monkey hitch-hiker on your way home from the safari…..now it lives in your walls…move along…

  49. I think now is when you want to run the evil-animal marathon, because the soundtracks should easily scare away any potentially lurking spider monkeys. Or relatives.

    Start with “The Birds,” move onto “Godzilla vs. Mothra,” throw in “Jurassic Park.” And then I think you should maybe play “Gigli.” Cause it’s possible that a film that bad will scare away anything with a central nervous system.

  50. Oh sweet Jesus, people, pumas are cougars. All she needs to do is go down to the local bar, pick up some ol’ cougs and they’ll flush the monkey out for a free drink. I bet they get asked to do this all the time.

  51. OK, 3 years ago me and my husband (boyfriend back then) drove across the country, from Buffalo to Albuquerque. I was sleeping through Texas because it was like, 3am, and all of a sudden I was woken up with “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” and I got super freaked out and was like “What was WHAT?” and he said he just had to slam on his breaks because something ran across the road. He was like “IT WAS A MONKEY!” and I tried to tell him there are no monkeys in Texas, but he said he got a good look at his hind legs and it was definitely a monkey. So I believed him, and I always have. Even though it didn’t make sense, I knew he wasn’t seeing things. His story never changed either, no matter who he told (which caused him to get a lot of weird looks).

    Now we have proof! It WAS a monkey!
    Thank you for making my husband look a lot less crazy.

  53. My mom makes my dad pee around their vegetable garden all summer, because the smell of an apex predator’s urine scares the other animals away and the deer won’t eat her corn. So tell Victor you need him to pee all around the outside of the house, and up on the roof if possible. That way you can not only get rid of the chupracabra and other pests, you can totally get another blog out of it. Also, spell check does not recognize “chupracabra” so it has clearly never been to Texas. It’s an elitist East Coast spell check. SO I am going to start prelling my words brong to protset.

  54. I looked up Puma scream but was distracted by a Cougar site. By Cougar I mean middle aged women looking for young men. Also what the hell kind of name is WC Fields for a spider Monkey. Its like by naming him that, they are hoping that if he ever gets loose people will not be afraid of him. How did that work out for them? I bet if his name was ” I’ll Fucking Eat Your Face Off” that lady would have avoided him all together.

  55. you didn’t hire Billy the exterminator did ya? (seriously, if ya don’t know of him, google him lol)
    cause then… ya got a show AND a later blog when he f’s it all up…. lol 😉

  56. Is it sad that the only time I’ve heard the word chupacabra was on that World Series of Pop Culture show that was on VH1? (chupacabra was one of the team names.) And even sadder that I remember that?

    I’m off to google it. I don’t think we have them in San Diego.

  57. This is all because you fucked up the natural eco-system in your new house. Those scorpions and centipedes were keeping the squirrels and spider-monkeys at bay. You need to introduce either scorpions or pumas to your residence to restore the balance.

  59. We once had flying squirrels in the attic. Somehow they got out of the attic while my dad was looking for something up there. Of course the entry to the attic is through my closet. Joy. My dad had to chase the squirrel through the house and managed to get him with a BB gun. Will never forget that experience.

    Later we had bats. My cat at least stepped up to rescue us then.

    Good luck with the screaming pumas.

  60. First, amazing post. Thanks! Second, as a fellow mold and dead rat in a wall survivor, I can’t tell you how sad it is that I related to what you’ve been posting since your move. Pioneer Woman recently tweeted that nothing smells worse than a rotting potato, but I think dead carcasses in the wall trump that by far, especially since you just have to wait it out. Finally, Sooz commented that there’s a product called “Fatal Plus” and I can’t stop shaking my bewildered little head. What exactly does the “plus” imply? “Fatal” isn’t potent enough?

    Again, thanks for making me laugh!

  61. I was going to say “you know they had to issue that statement because some dumb ass went and tried to befriend the spider monkey”.

    But then I realized – why would you NOT try to befriend a spider monkey if you had the chance?

  62. You should call the exterminator company and tell them their so-called expert didn’t know what a chupacabra is and they should rethink their expert test. Because clearly this guy failed.

  64. I don’t think the pounding in the wall was a chupacabra or W.C. Fields. I think it’s a zombie squirrel come back to haunt you for dousing him in rat-sorb.

  65. I’d get a live trap and just keep it up in the attic. We used to have to keep them in the attic of our sorority house. We once forgot to check the trap for a couple months – sorry little fella. But that was also about the same time that the squirrels figured out how to get into the house through the drop ceilings. (I believe this happened because the trap was not vacant… double oops for not checking the trap.) The squirrels are cute and all but they didn’t so much match the drapes in the formal living area. But yeah – live trap. Who knows, maybe you’ll catch a leprechaun and then you can be all “Take me to your Fort Knox, ya runt!”

  66. One of my favorite WC fields quotes applies to this post and the pest contro guys
    “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
    W. C. Fields

  67. when you get the Chupacabra corpse out of your wall, you could sell the photos for millions. then sell the corpse on ebay. I bet you could get some sweet cash for that crap. ps? totally scared of the Chupacabra. for reals.

  70. I did some research for you and I think you are going about this the wrong way. Now, I’m not 100% sure we’re talking about the same W.C. Fields, but according to Wikipedia (which strangely didn’t mention spider monkeys), he was a hard-drinking egotist. So I say turn off the pumas, set out a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire, and start telling him what a great juggler he is. Or maybe he would prefer vodka. I’m not sure – Wikipedia was NOT helpful on this point.

  71. If only my parents had known about Rat-sorb, my childhood would have been a far less malodorous experience. We lived in an old house and mice were *constantly* dying in the walls. Ugh.

  72. Wow. For a year now my and my boyfriend’s response to everything bad has been “At least you’re not a puma.” No fucking lie. And we were CERTAIN that it worked in every scenario.

    You have just proven us wrong. Congrats, Jenny.

  74. With a name like WC Fields, maybe you should invite him in and pour him a drink. He sounds so sophisticated. Hell, it would a good excuse to drink after all the Puma noise!

  75. so it gets rid of the smell, but the squirrel is still there? Isn’t that like the part of Poltergeist where we find out “You just moved the headstones!” And left the bodies there so that their 6 year old daugther got possessed and their pool was filled with dead people?

    Tell me again why that’s the better… When dead squirrels seem to attract spider monkeys and possibly crazy mailmen?

  76. First of all…Does the squirrel fisherman NOT know that they’ve found two chuapcabra’s in like the last year or so in this general area (read: State of Texas)? #pestcontrolfail.

    ALSO, you should call a roof guy to take a look at why the chupacabaras are getting into the house in the first place. That’s scary shit, man.

  79. Oh wow, and I thought I had problems when a squirrel entered my apartment through a hole in my drop ceiling (caused by my upstairs neighbor getting high and falling asleep with his sink running, flooding his kitchen floor and my kitchen ceiling). It did terrorize me and hold me hostage in my back room. I suppose could have escaped through the back door, but it was winter and I had no shoes.

  80. I started laughing out loud while reading this and then had to explain to The Economist what a chupacabra was. In public. Specifically, in an airport lounge in Erie, Pennysylvania. If you ever want an entire airport lounge in Middle America to try overhearing your conversation, chupacabra talk is the way to go.

  81. Jesus Christ I thought it was a Monkey SPIDER and I couldn’t understand why it had a name or was trapping people in garages. I’m thinking, seriously, I never knew spiders could get that big, and I’m totally never ever moving to America.

  82. Chupacabras are like cockroaches, but instead of searching for water, they search for liquor and pretzel M&Ms. If however there are fang marks in your refridgerated box wine, and you notice it is significantly more empty than before, then it is just a coyote. Everyone knows Chupacabras prefer the good stuff in real glass bottles. Trust me, I know my shit, I spent an afternoon hanging with the exterminator while he fished suicidal roof rats from my parents pool one day.
    But you should still probably call the exterminator because your neighborhood coyote can open the fridge.

  83. Ok so the squirrel was in there dead. The chupacabra (I nicknamed a good friend that, call her Chupie for short, she loves the nickname….ok she hates me) killed the squirrel then the spider monkey killed the chupacabra and you need to send a puma in to get rid of the spider monkey. Then you wait for winter to come and the puma freezes to death?

    Simpson did it.

  85. I’ll go ahead and admit it now…I hadta google “chupacabra”. And thanks to you, Most Jenny on High, I’ll suffer yet ANOTHER sleepless night. Also – it is Twitter’s fault that I’m here reading this post, also yours…for mentioning Spider Monkey’s in your Twit? Twoot? Tweet? Because it reminded me of Taladega Nights…and that movie makes me laugh so hard I pee. ALLLLSSSSOOOO, I just started another BLOG and I thought that it would be fun, FOR ONCE to just be able to put something in the “website” field…and not cringe, because you SEE…my PNN Blog has lots of crap and this one is FRESH AS A DAISY…except I added my “Matt Damon Dumped Me in Vegas” post to my new Blog because it was awesome and I thought WordPress could use some Matt Damonesque BLOG submissions. I do not thing anyone has read it yet…BUT THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, JENNY! What I’d REALLY like to know is: Why was the mailman peeping into your window? That is FREAKY! He’s there on GOVERNMENT BUSINESS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

  87. Wait, wait, wait, I got it – do the Xanax in the banana thing, go outside, pet and befriend the monkey (MSNBC is obviously trying to cheat you out of a monkey) teach the monkey to fish dead squirrels out of walls and reward it with scorpions. AND THEN have the monkey ride around on the fox so you can go mobile with your new pest control business (you’d totally ace the test).

  88. My test for whether someone is a Texan is whether they get this joke:

    You know what really gets my goat?
    Chupacabra

  89. Hey….where’s James Madison?? Have you put him up yet?? He’d totally scare away any spider monkey….

  90. This is so hilarious. Only because I can totally relate because I had a squirrel in my fireplace. I heard this big noise and opened the flue and out popped a really angry squirrel. Thankfully the doors were shut and we had to keep him in there until the next day when animal control came and “tried” to get him out, only succeeding in making him even MORE pissed off. We had to tape sheets to the doorways and windows and open the front door “just” in case she couldn’t get him with this little pincher device and get him in a cage. Of course she didn’t, and he took off covered in soot all over the cream colored carpet around the living room screaching and chittering and finally out the front door. What a mess!!!

  91. Okay, you had me until “don’t try to befriend him” which is fine, but seriously, who *wouldn’t* try to befriend a spider monkey?

    Also, what kind of pest control guy doesn’t know what a Chupacabra is? Total fail.

  92. See I always thought spider monkey screams sound like puma screams, so if I was a spider monkey, I would just think the screaming puma was like a long lost cousin or something and take over some mangoes and stuff cause that’s how we do things here. And because I’m obviously a stupid spider monkey, then I’d be a DEAD spider monkey after being mauled by the puma who was laughing his ass off because I brought him mangoes when he was really wanting some delicious spider monkey. It all sounds like some kind of really twisted fable. But mostly I’m just pissed because when the bird died in my wall, my dad said I just had to deal with the smell until it decayed then it would smell anymore. And now I know he could have just dumped some effing Rat-sorb down there, but he was too lazy to crawl into the attack, and like the damn puma he was laughing his ass off every time I asked someone to smell me because I was convinced I smelled like dead bird. Not cool, Dad, not cool.

  93. I would have a hard time sleeping in your house with all of that wildlife. I’m scared of spiders. Spider monkeys? I’d die.

  95. Squirrels suck. I guess you can look at it like this. You didn’t have an alligator in your sewer or rabid raccoons waiting for you to emerge from the kitchen. I hate animals. Except my monkey…named Spider…he’s okay but like pregnant women everywhere he hates when you pat him on the belly!

  97. I’m thinking of skipping your blog posts and just reading the comments.

    ok – not really – but it could be done. You might want to watch your back…..

  98. So made of win. Also, I really wish that I didn’t know that there was such a thing as “Rat-sorb.” Thank you for shattering my illusion that I live in a world where things don’t die in people’s walls so that such a product needs to be invented.

  100. DAMN, my life is fucking boring like creamed corn, without the corn compared to yours. Although we did have racoons or squirrels living in our attic above our bedroom for a while last year. It was recommended that we get some predator urine and spread it around. So I had to go buy fox piss. You might try spreading a litte of that around, you can get it at hunting stores which should be a’plenty where you are. And tell Victor that human urine doesn’t work (although I don’t know whether it does or not, I just wouldn’t want my husband pissing around my house, he would have way too much fun).

    Any-hoo, it smells like rotting skunk carcasses but it works.

  102. Dude. Did you read the article? It says that Hermine ripped open the monkey’s enclosure. I just want you to think about that for a minute. I effing TOLD you so.

  103. When I was a boy there was no Rat-sorb. *spit* We just let ’em stink until they dehydrated. And we were glad to do it. *whittle* Took longer if it was possum.

  104. they’re just going to leave the fucking squirrel corpse in the wall!? what kind of pest guys are these? now i think to get rid of the bones you should probably pour acid or borax down there. except then you might have a hole in the wall. when i had a dead squirrel in the attic my husband tried to roll it into a trashcan with a rake but ended up jabbing it like a trash pole (i don’t know what they’re called, the poles that chain gangs pick up garbage with on the side of the road). maybe you could do that? you don’t need the chains or orange jumpsuit unless you really want to be authentic.

    also, you should probably warn the animal control people after W.C. Fields that cornering him in a tree, shooting him with a tranquilizer and trying to catch his falling monkey body with a tarp probably won’t work. that happened where i live with a bear cub and it hit the sidewalk and died. wow that was a downer. sorry. dead squirrels are much more amusing than dead bears.

  106. p.s. did you know that chupacabra means “goat sucker” and is pretty much a fucking vampire? wikipedia will have so many hits on chupacabras now because of you.

  107. wow #53, sorry. You were first with the predator urine idea. I didn’t make it that far before I got anxious to post. Well, hubby urine IS certainly cheaper than fox urine or coyote or whatever the hell we ended up with.

  108. Not going to lie, the only reason I know about Chupacabra is because there was one in an episode of Scooby Doo. Once again, cartoons have proven there usefulness in everyday life.

  111. A while ago there was a horrible smell emanating from behind one of my kitchen cabinets. I was sure a mouse or something had died back there. I called a friend to help me search out the dead animal and get rid of it. He did. By opening my microwave and pulling out the chicken I forgot I had defrosted a few days prior. So make sure to check your microwave. And don’t try cooking. It just causes problems for everyone.

  112. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly want to spoon you while yodeling the theme song from Knight Rider any more, you whip out one of these bad boys and I’m all aflutter. Stupendous.

  113. Jenny, I love you , I truly do. It’s why I make accusations that Nancy W. Kappes is really just you on drugs and why I send you pictures of mushrooms that look like tits, but it’s time I be the voice of fucking reason. Other than the view, it seems has though things have not gone smoothly since you moved to Bizarro County, TX. It’s time to come home to the H-Town suburbs where you belong, BEFORE YOU GET KILLED BY A FUCKING SPIDER MONKEY NAMED W.C. FIELDS. Honestly, I am the first person to notice that this isn’t right??

  114. Thank you so much for writing this. I was having a panic attack at work. And you made me laugh. Which I really needed. So thanks.

  115. I once heard some scratching in my wall that turned out to be a rat but I totally thought it was Satan like in the beginning of The Exorcist and I didn’t know if I was supposed to call a priest or a church so I called a catholic instead. The only practicing one I knew was my mom, but she was absolutely no help, instead advising me “What the hell are you doing?! It’s three in the morning go to sleep!” Geez, some mother.

  116. “True story: I’m too intimidated by the cleverness of my own commenters to leave comments on my own blog. There should be a name for that.”

    That is really clever! Now all of us thing we are the clever/funny one. Everybody is not only above average but the best; and you others — well just try harder next time.

    Way to go making everyone feel special. You are the total opposite of an asshole. ( I’m pretty sure that is not a butt plug.)

  117. Too bad it’s not a vervet monkey. I befriended a pack of them that hang out at the Motel 6 in Dania Beach, FL.
    They walk along the top of the fence by the parking lot and if you put chunks of strawberries or bananas there for them, eventually they will come and sit with you. Apparently they’re been there for years. However, they’re not aggressive so no cares.

  119. Holy… yeah. No. I … um. Yeah. No sleep with a dead might-be-squirrel in my walls. For all you know, it could still have been a chupacabra and now its pissed off babies are going wreak havoc on your house until it either A- burns down or B- they outgrow your attic and end up in your bathtub. Also, I think chupas are scared of pumas too, so maybe you should just invest in a Puma to prevent this whole mess from happening again?

  120. See, they have it all wrong. If someone actually did befriend W.C. Fields then maybe he wouldn’t be so aggressive.

  122. Squirrels suck at life. My husband and I have a running tally of how many we’ve shot in our backyard, and it’s pretty impressive. Spider monkeys though? Yeah, can’t help you out there. Good luck with that.

  123. Our local paper interviewed a guy a while back who has to clean out the Porta-Potties that get tipped over at events. Never have I prayed such fervent thanks for my bitch-sucking office job.

  124. The first time you wrote about the chupacabra, I thought it was a Texan capybara until I googled it. He looks a bit like James Garfield. Are they related, do you think?

    You should sell tickets to fish for chupacabra from your attic. In a week, you’d be able to afford to MOVE BACK TO FRIKKIN’ HOUSTON.

  125. There’s something to be said for all that concrete in a city – it sure cuts down on the rampant wildlife. I have to ask, Do you still like living there? Lots of bitey animals. Hurricanes that blow trees into your house. Dead things in your walls.

    Best line: ‘…then I just stood there because usually I’m the weird one in the conversation and I wanted to appreciate the moment.’ LOL because I can identify. But maybe if I was as funny as you, I wouldn’t get those weird looks.

  127. I once thought that I had a dead rodent in my walls. It was actually the smell from my brother’s room seeping through the walls. Pest control just laughed at me.

  129. Your cats don’t eat spider monkeys? Obviously you’ve trained them all wrong. You should refuse to feed them until they bring W.C. Fields to heel for you. Like little minions. Hungry minions.

  130. I’m sure you already know this, but there are claw-crane games in Vegas where you play for live lobsters. You’re allegedly supposed to eat them afterwards, but…

  132. At least I’m trying” and that’s when I noticed that our mailman was at my door staring at me through the glass so I explained that I was trying to scare away the the chupacara in my wall and he was all ”Oh. It’s probably W.C. Fields” and then I just stood there because usually I’m the weird one in the conversation and I wanted to appreciate the moment.

    your back at full force funny just in time. thank god i live alone cause i think i laughed for an hour. that would have gotten on even the staunchest pothead’s nerves. ANYhow…i had a bad day. so thanks for being you. like always.

  133. that’s definitely not a chupacabra; being a puertorrican monster, he’s probably sucking some hookers dry of blood in a dark alley or something and who the hell calls a monkey W.C Fields?????

  134. He LIVES in Texas and doesn’t know what a chupacabra is? I don’t live in Texas, nor does Dingo, yet I mentioned that Hubby was watching the X-Files one night and she said, “It’s a chupacabra!” which HAPPENS to be one of the ONLY episodes I’ve ever seen!
    And now that my parents are “officially” Texans, I told my mom that she has to watch out for them. I’m pretty sure I’ve been taken out of the will.

  135. A guy in my platoon had a spider monkey that hated a sargeant that was a pain in the ass to everyone. The monkey would shit in his paw and throw it at the D-bag sarge. Loved that monkey.

  138. I can’t believe they didn’t spend more time fishing out the squirrel! Hell, don’t they know there’s an extreme shortage of “Taxidermied Animals for The Blogess”…ESPECIALLY squirrel!

  139. How weird, I posted about removing dead animals too.
    http://tediouslife.com/2010/09/14/i-should-learn-how-to-remove-my-own-dead-animals/
    Maybe we’re long-lost twins with mind powers. Sister, Sister anyone???

    You should feel SO lucky your animal was a crazy monkey, mine was a just a opossum. I could have really used some rat-sorb because the stank of my dead animals stayed around for awhile and there were all these flies… gross, right?

  143. If I heard something banging around making horrible sounds in my walls, I’d definitely think it was the chupacabra and that I’d soon be starring in an episode of Discovery channel’s A Haunting. Chupacabra always makes me think of the YouTube video with the song,

    “El Chupacrabraaaa, he eats some goats and some children, cuz he’s El Chupacrabraaaa…”

  144. Too bad Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom” isn’t still on the air. Marlin Perkins could come to your house and shoot an entire season of shows with all the chupacabras, spider monkeys, scorpions and vultures you have. They might even pay you to keep the puma soundtrack playing. For safety. Television shoots cost a shitload more now than they did in the 60s. Since they could go to your house instead of Africa to film wild beasts they would save so much money that they would probably make you a producer. Tell Victor to put that in his pipe and smoke it next time he bitches about the kitchen. Or play the Mutual of Omaha jingle instead of the puma soundtrack to really piss him off.

  145. I really love what Diane commented on…..your “normal” life. I enjoy your posts, they make me laugh. I’m not sure at all why you moved to Texas but I’m a newcomer so it’s excusable. Probably something having to do with Victor and life. I am terrified of bats, mice and rats. Squirrels not so much, dead things, dead smells, not good either. Thanks for your blog.

  146. Well, there goes my master plan of getting a spider monkey, naming him W.C. Fields and unleashing him on a suburban neighbourhood. Damn it, Universe.

  147. I laughed so hard when I read this I actually cried! Good luck with your spider monkey issue. Also? What pest control guy in TEXAS doesn’t know what a chupucabra is? Check his credentials!

  148. Ok…seriously, even though this comment is going to get lost in the other comments and you will likely never read it, I still have to say that was easily the funniest fucking thing I have ever read (today)! I frequently subject my husband to your posts, but I have to say that this one had us both rolling (I even had tears streaming down my face)! Honestly, anyone that can use the word “chupacabra” and make it sound plausible is my idol. I would give anything to have 1/2 the awesomeness in my brain to spew into my blog that you have in yours. I bow at your feet, but no matter how pretty they are, I still won’t kiss them!

    Jewell =) xo

  149. So obviously the best thing to do would be to have Victor pee all over himself. No, stay with me. All the hunters I know don piss soaked camouflage in order to track deer. Or at least that’s what they tell me. I’ll take their word for it. Since Chupacabras are totally in the same taxonomic family as deer (wiki that shit, y’all) it logically follows that the pee of an apex predator like your husband would mask his natural scent and allow him to lay in wait for his prey. That way, he could sit on the back porch with a flashlight and a shotgun and wait for the unsuspecting, plaguey little bastard to make an appearance.

  151. Thank you so much for this post. I was laughing so hard I was crying. My company just had layoffs last week and I had my first interview today and it made me feel completely useless and inadequate. This just made everything better. Thanks for reminding me there are good things in this world.

  152. If I had a dead squirrel in my wall, I’d make someone come in, remove the wall, clean up all the guts, sterilize the area, fumigate the place, and then just give up and move to a new house. Because, now you know, you are going to have a squirrel ghost making a nuisance of himself, and squirrels are big enough assholes when they’re alive. You don’t need that shit.

  153. I like living in Vermont. Although it’s true there are a lot of squirrels, chipmunks, raccoons and skunks, there are no spiders venomous to humans and hardly any dangerous snakes. Also a low incidence of tornadoes, earthquakes, and the like. I do have guinea pigs, but it’s not a requirement for living in northern New England. These facts are really boring, but it makes for a nice place to live.

  157. So I had this dream where I came to check on your blog and it was disabled/canceled or whatever graveyard unwanted blogs go to decay. Tonight I was cleaning out my bookmarks and clicked go to instead of delete. Imagine my surprise to find your blog functioning. Awesome surprise for me but wanted to let you know you should probs tone down said awesomeness because your some of your readers (i.e. me) are having lucid dreams about your blog. Just saying.

  160. Oh my good Lord. I misread spider monkey EVERY SINGLE TIME to be monkey spider. Honest to God. I kept thinking “I know what a spider monkey is, but what the HELL is a monkey spider.” I thought it was some genetic experiment gone bad( you know, just a one time accident that is NO WHERE NEAR Oklahoma)- or even worse that this world is full of monkey sized spiders. I was so scared I went to bed, decided to move to Mars, or an alternate universe; whichever I could find first and hid under my covers in case the monkey spiders had found where I lived through reading your post.

    This morning I re-read this, and realized I am crazy. And dyslexic for a day. Whew, what a relief. I’m kinda scared of martians and alternate me’s too.

  161. If he’s named W. C. Fields, it’s probably safe to assume the spider monkey in question is a witty alcoholic. Skip the banana and crumble a Xanax into a martini. Honestly, the Xanax-laced martini is the more socially responsible option. A Xanax banana on your doorstep could attract children or woodland creatures. The martini will only snag hobos passing by, and obviously any alcoholic spider monkeys that happen to be in the area.

  164. Go to the hardware store, Walmart or whatever buy some rat poison… roll it up into some good sized cheese balls and drop them down the same hole the pest control guys are using to try to hook them. At the same time your there buy some lye. When you smell the smell and you know they’re dead… drop the lye down the same hole. … THEN – put that death trap , portal to hell house up for sale. Hell …… burn the bitch down and collect the insurance money.

  165. We totally have a loose monkey terrorizing people down here in Tampa too. Maybe they’re friends!

  168. Because I’m totally there for you to commisserate, I opened my house up to wild kingdom this morning too.

    I walked down to the basement (a mistake I will NOT be making again. My husband can do laundry from now on.) and screamed as I saw a snake sitting on the mouse/bug traps (cause having those damn things in the house wasn’t bad enough). I slammed the door to the laundry room, ran up the stairs, slammed the door to the upstairs, put a towel under it and looked for a realtor’s number.

    My husband was working so a coworker came over to get it out for me. it wasn’t a snake. It was THREE snakes! THREE! (I feel like I’m in a Monty Python skit – 1,2, 5 – no 3!) And then there was a 4th stuck to a trap ALL THE WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BASEMENT! Which, btw, totally means that they are EVERYWHERE.

    I’m moving. I’d like to commisserate with you, but I’m not sure it’s that important to me.

  170. They caught the spider monkey! The caught the spider monkey! I was looking for him when I was out in Boerne yesterday. Phewf.

  174. Man, I don’t know what fucked up alternative Texas universe you live in but crazed Squirrel Zombies living in walls, escaped spider monkeys that are scared by screaming Puma’s are so not happening in New Jersey.
    I think your neighborhood is probably more fun however.

    Good luck with the Chupacabra. I think my dog is currently chasing the New Jersey Devil in the backyard. Or it’s another damn gopher.

  175. I wonder how spider-monkeys feel about…WOLVERINES?!

    also…best line in the whole post: and then I just stood there because usually I’m the weird one in the conversation and I wanted to appreciate the moment.

  176. O.M.G… Terrifying. My friend, Toni, once had a family of raccoons living in her wall, and as they ran back and forth, the Sheetrock would undulate back and forth like a demon breakdancing between the support beams until one punched it’s creepy humanoid hand through the wallpaper in an attempt to remove her right eyeball.

    But spider monkeys and puma screams? You’re my new pest control hero. Fo’ reals.

  177. I read this right after killing 2 huge spiders and right before going to sleep, and dreamt of 8-legged monkeys wearing silver spandex. Then, I remembered to tweet that after I went to bed tonight. Cuz sharing makes the bad dreams go away. I tried tweeting hiding under the covers but still woke my husband up. Now he’s watching tv and thinks I’m crazy for asking what a chubacabra looks like. We live in the country, and folks have goats out here. They’re Tennessee fainting goats which they’re trying to sell. So, we’ll pretty much attract all the chupacabras here cuz all the dang goats will faint from fright and be easy pickings! Now I can’t sleep again! We’re basically a chubacabra magnet cuz Tennessee figured out having goats that faint just wasn’t safe and totally pawned them off on us! Crap. I don’t know now if I need to stop drinking caffeine so I’m not so nervous or drink more so the mutant monkeys and chubacabras won’t take over while I’m sleeping.

  179. So Jenny, I love you, and not in the weird romantic way but in the way that every time I think my life sucks horribly and I can hear my mom’s friend saying “every time I think my life is bad I just think ‘at least I don’t have a dead sheep in my bathroom.'”

    Yeah, true story. I totally had a sheep, and it was sick and then my mother was like..”We’re going to save it from it’s horrible sickness and fever now go and put it in the bathroom! and crank up the ac” and I was all like…”Oh fuck, I have a dying sheep in my bathroom and my house is a huge freezer, how much more fucked up could my life get?” And then the sheep died and I thought, that, that right there is how much more fucked up my life could be.

    And now like, five or six years later my mother is all “homg our rooster Jay has a broken leg that will never work again, therefore once winter comes we shall do what we did to Micheal (our other rooster) we shall carry him into the bathroom at night and let him sleep inside”

    Yeah, exactly. What the fuck? but in all regards I do love Jay the Rooster, he’s bad ass and I applaud my mothers generosity to our farm pets.

    But still thanks, for having a dead squirrel in your walls, that no one can fish out. It makes me feel less alone. 🙂

  180. Holy shit, I can’t even imagine. It’s like Pet Sematary meets Children of The Corn meets every VC Andrews book ever written (x10).

    ps. I think it goes without saying that “Screaming Pumas” is going to be my wedding song.

  182. Are you sure positive that it was a squirrel? Who’s to say the so called squirrel fisherman aren’t working with the giant scorpion mother of all of the baby scorpions that you have killed in her nest, I mean your house. She is living in your attic. Waiting… Plotting her revenge…this was just step one.

    Just sayin’

  183. Rebekah,

    Do your animals now fear the bathroom? Has it become the equivilent of taking the old dog for a car ride and not coming back with him? I’ve got a mental image of Jay the Rooster in a panic, limping furious around the yard, trying to convey that “I’m fine, I’m FINE. There’s no need to take me to the bathroom! Look! I’m fine! Really!”

    Both of you make me feel better for so many reasons!

    SMH

  184. Dear Jenny,

    If you only knew often I’ve been forced into situations that called for me to ask the question:
    “What would Jenny do?”

    Well…then you’d know and probably think I was creepy so I’m not going to tell you.

    -Tony

  185. ok first of all Call Chris Angel Mindfreak and have him LEVITATE whatever the fuck is in your wall.
    But don’t sleep with him cuz he’s gross and weird.

    Second put on a suit and tie. I knew a guy who had a spider monkey who hated women. This might also keep Chris Angel away from you, but then again it might not… The dude is an odd one.

  186. There’s a guy in my wife’s sister’s place right now trying to trap what he thinks is probably a corn snake behind her bathroom vanity. She’s using screaming pumas to motivate the trapper…not the snake.

  187. We once had a squirrel come into our house through our chimney while we were at Disney World HAVING FUN. Little did we know the squirrel made itself a little nest IN OUR BED. It also tried to chew its way out of the house by gnawing all the wood off our windows.

    I hate squirrels. They’re just very fast, hyperfurry rats.

  188. There have been comments asking why you wouldn’t befriend a Spider Monkey.

    Ummm, have you not seen the movie OUTBREAK? 2 Words: Ebola Virus. Guess who carries Ebola? That’s right, fuckin’ monkeys. Well, not monkeys that are “fuckin” but “fuckin” monkeys. You know what I mean.

  189. You can rest easy, well at least in regards to W.C. FIelds. Seems the little spider monkey has been caught! 🙂

    BOERNE, Texas — Grapes and bananas helped a handler lure a spider monkey back into captivity after the animal spent more than a week on the loose in the San Antonio area.

    The animal known as W.C. Fields was captured Wednesday along a road in Boerne (BER’-nee), a few miles from home.

    W.C. Fields escaped Sept. 7 from the Primarily Primates sanctuary when the creature’s enclosure was damaged by high winds during Tropical Storm Hermine.

    Sanctuary executive director Stephen Tello, who had been searching for the monkey, spotted the animal Wednesday morning on a fence.

  190. SMH!

    Thank you for making me cry from laughing.

    Epic way to start my afternoon after finding out I’ve made ‘comment of the day’.

    ps Jenny, I’m absolutely honored! you have no idea how much this means to me.

    Anyways to answer your question SMH, I have no idea what he thinks. lol Though really his only other option is death. From either freezing in the cold of death by my dad’s axe.
    As for fear of the bathroom? I’d have to say no. Mainly because (thank god) most of my animals (99%) don’t ever see the bathroom lol

  191. at what point, will Victor concede to the fact that you guys moved to a haunted house on an Indian burial ground? really? come on. Victor you need to get in the game here dude. This is serious stuff. any financial benefit is totally lost on the constant costs of pest control/exorcism

  192. The first yr we were in our house, we heard (well, I heard, hub didn’t hear anything, he said I was crazy) something in the walls. A few days later, my son & nephew went in the playroom and there was a squirrel sitting on top of the curtain rod, right next to a Barney balloon. It was like a cartoon, the kids couldn’t get out of the door fast enough & we shut in in there. Or so we thought. I got my BIL to come over to shoot it. It was gone! A few days later, while wrapping Christmas presents, I saw a tail sticking from under a chair. We got a beach towel, threw the chair over and grabbed it. It was already dead, (thank you George the Cat!) but it was stiffened out in the run away mode. All stretched out. What else could we do but put him in a gift bag and bring it to husband’s workplace? LOLs all around. A wk or so after that, hub was going down the basement to do laundry & a squirrel was sitting on the ledge going down the stairs. Laundry basket went down, and hub came running upstairs. We got a haveaheart trap and caught 3 more and set them loose far away from our house. We dubbed our adventure the squirrel relocation program. Once we got them out of the house, we caught a bunch outside and relocated them too. Note: Opossums do not like haveaheart traps. We don’t like opossums in our haveaheart traps, they are very mean and scary. That yr we also had bats, mice, and even a flying squirrel! (the cat caught that one too). It’s like a bad redneck version of the 12 days of Christmas. We eventually found a hole under the shingles on the roof where they had chewed and were getting in.

  193. For a little while today, I was feeling a tad homesick for where I grew up…not in the way that I’d want to move back…just that I miss the old days, which don’t exist anymore…in that the places I loved to hang at are all long gone so moving back would be a pointless excercise…but I was missing it anyhow.

    Then I read this and thought “No way am I moving from Texas. Too damn fun here!”

    So thanks. You just saved my family a few thousand dollars. And I don’t even have up up my meds.

  194. I totally thought you were making the chupacabra thing up so I googled it and ewww!!!!

    You’re funny AND educational! Awesome.

  195. I’m pretty sure you guys moved to the Bermuda Triangle, because this shit’s pretty intense even for Indian burial ground goings on.

  196. Oh how I wish I was 9 years old and lived in your neighborhood so I could Trick or Treat at your house this Halloween. Seriously, you need to charge admission. The Howl-O-Scream at the amusement park charges like fifty bucks a person.

  198. Notice how Victor isn’t around when some of these things happen?? THAT right there gets the side eye from me. He knows the place is a portal to hell and he’s saving his own ass. Not cool Victor! Not cool!!

  199. Don’t tell me to me to appreciate my job. I’m a nurse, bitch! Yesterday I cleaned a totaly necrosed wound that probably smelt 10 times worse than your dead squirrel habouring wall cavite so NUH!

  202. so, my daughter’s preschool has a dead something in the wall. they can’t find it. the squirrel fishermen suck, they’ve been back several times. it smells so bad, but, sadly, you get used to it. which is disgusting. I think I’m going to request they cover the school in ratsorb, which can’t be harmful to kids, right? certainly not more harmful than that SMELL.

    you made me pee my pants laughing again. love ya!

  203. Is it a common practice to name your pets in full name in Texas? While giving people with perfectly good, serious names weird nicknames?

  204. To Jane above, I “adopted” this word MINGENT from Savethewords.org yesterday. Please feel free to “borrow” and use it for your situation. Mingent is an old word that has been retired and I am trying to save it by adopting it (Applause please. Thanks. I am like Angelina Jolie for words) Mingent means “Discharging urine”.

    So yes The Bloggess has the tendency to make people mingent.

  206. well damn. I thought I had it bad when we moved our oven in my old house and found 6 charred mice under there. But they were burnt to a crisp so we never smelled them decomposing.

  208. Did somebody say PUMA? I got the cutest little black Puma’s with a pink logo on them. I love them! But they don’t come with a soundtrack. And suddenly my job isn’t so bad anymore, although my finger nails are horrible because of it!

  209. Crazy people. Everywhere. And squirrels. I had squirrels make a nest by my window (I live in an APARTMENT BUILDING) and they were so deep into love-making that they took out my window.

  210. Pingback: Friday Slacking | Vicki Boykis

  211. Jenny, I love how so many of us can relate with you. Because, how many of us have had dead squirrels in our walls? It’s like a global issue. Thank god you are coming out in the open with a problem so many of us are dealing with. You should start a campaign and end this epidemic now! xxx

  212. As someone who writes about Texas, I know what you mean. I have to add, though, that every time I’m in traffic behind a pest control truck, I think: there’s somebody working hard at a hard, hard job.

    Watch out for those fumes, guys.

  213. Coming really late to this commenting thing on this one…. number 211? Really, 211? OK, but still want to add that I have a son totally obsessed with the Ben10 alien Force TV show (you have a girl, it’s probably way under your radar) and there is an alien on it called “Spider Monkey.” So every time you say “Spider Monkey” I picture this giant, bright blue, 6 armed monkey alien with four green glowing eyes. Now THAT would be cool to have trapped in your walls.

  214. The whole post was random and awesome…
    But I can’t believe that guy didn’t know what a chupacabra was!
    How can you work in that field of work and NOT know???

  218. I hope they are not playing the giant crane game. We all know how that ends. No prize and a lot of wasted money.

  219. Why does Rebekah think that loving you in a romantic way is weird? I find Rebekah homophobic.

  220. Dear Suwow,

    Mingent is more full of urine while micturation is the act of peeing, but come from Latin meaning wanting to pee. So she invokes involuntary micturation in those in who are migent.

    I already regret typing this.

  221. I’m not going to lie to you. I had to look up what a chupacabra is. (http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6116827n) That’s some scary shit you have in your wall there Jenny.

    Once, I heard this splashing sound coming from my toilet and when I got to the bathroom there was a squirrel coming up through the pipe. Of course I run screaming from the room like a pansy and call my husband who’s all “honey, I’m working and don’t have time to deal with squirrels in our toilet” like I just told him the kids left a huge shit in there again. So, I call animal control to come get the freakin’ thing from the toilet and the guy tells me to go back in the bathroom, open the window, run a broom from the toilet to the window and help him run out.(you can’t make this shit up) To which I replied, “Are you for fucking real?” And the guy is pissed at me that I’m actually going to let the squirrel drown in the toilet, like I frickin’ put him there. Hello? The stupid animal broke into my house, got into the wrong pipe and got what he deserved. Shitty way to go though. 🙁

  222. Pingback: I think my spam filter’s kind of an ass. « Emotional Umbrella

  223. Really, when isn’t “Oh. It’s probably W.C. Fields” an appropriate response?

    Thank you for the laughter caused here by your pumas.

  226. I was unaware that pumas screamed or that spider monkeys were deserving of jaunty little names that somehow suggest they are friendly creatures.

    I once lived in an apartment on the top floor, over top of which squirrels liked to run and party and fight all night long. I don’t think I slept the whole time I lived there.

  227. Holy crap I work at a pest control company, in fact I am working right now. If someone called to say they had a Chupacabra in their house I would have to put the phone on speaker that way we could all hear and have one amazing laugh! I live in Dallas and yes you should know what that is if you live in Texas. Hello it could cross the river just like the rest do and be in your town in a min!

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  229. I swore my in-laws had a chupacabra living in their attic once, it was either that or a family of wee hobbits. The damn thing kept me up 3 nights in a row scratching on the ceiling of above my bed. They finally called pest control when a little furry arm pushed out the light fixture and started waving… no shit. True story. Turns out it was a 25 lb. raccoon. Awesome.

  230. It is super late to be leaving a comment on this but I was having a crummy, I feel lonely and bruised, kind of day and after reading this I felt much better. Keep on doing what you do, cause for people like me it means a lot.

  231. Jenny, I hate to judge you, but I’m sure no one was trapped by a spider monkey in their garage before YOU moved to the area.

  234. Quite interesting and engaging information. You give readers a lot to think about that. I really appreciate that kind of writing. Thanks for sharing us a great information that is actually helpful.

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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