It really ties the room together.

Me:  I bought a rug for the living room.

Victor:  Oh.  It’s okay.

me: It’s “okay?” It’s awesome.

Victor:   Really? Is it bulletproof?

me:  Um…no?  But it matches the couch.

Victor:  Well, clearly we have very different standards.

*****************

And now for my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-did-this-week-when-wasn’t-here:

The What-I-would-look-like-if-I-was-on-Jersey-Shore Edition.

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on the internets:

    • Started the #FURIOUSLYHAPPY movement.  It exploded all over everything like a volcano of joy and denial.  And it was awesome.
    • Officially announced that my first book of memoirs will be published by Amy Einhorn Books/Putnam (an imprint of Penguin).  They won’t come out for at least a year though because “as we told you before, we still don’t have the technology to print books before they’re written.  Please stop asking and send me some more chapters“.  It’s like we’re living in the fucking Stone Age, y’all.

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Elizabeth of Flourish in Progress, who has
    committed to a full year of not spending money on anything non-essential,
    except that she *did* just buy this ad so it’s possible that I just fucked
    up her whole year. Which would be totally like me, really. I’m a
    terrible influence. But technically this is the same woman who recently
    shoplifted from her eye doctor and
    accidentally ridiculed Jesus’ nose so
    it’s not exactly like I’m defiling a saint here. Stop judging me.

    70 replies. read them below or add one

    1. A bulletproof rug wouldn’t be very useful though, unless your floor keeps stealing drugs. Then I guess it would come in pretty handy.

      Like

      Sono recently posted Bleach 423 - The End Of An Era.

    2. I #FURIOUSLYHEARTYOU!

      Like

      BuenoBaby recently posted Your words are all kinds of crazy.

    3. Really, wouldn’s scorpion-proof be more important? Considering your current abode……

      Like

      Wicked Shawn recently posted Keha is a Whore- Which I Normally Have No Problem With.

    4. A bullet proof rug would have helped those people hiding under the floor in “Inglorious Bastards.” Hell I’m gonna get bullet proof carpet installed in my entire house in case I have to hide from the authorities or the enemy. Tell V thanks for the kick ass idea.

      Oh wait, we live on top of a 2ft thick concrete slab. Scratch that.

      Like

    5. Men don’t appreciate how much time and effort it takes to find things that match. I’m pretty sure that’s why my boyfriend was underwhelmed when I found chairs that match our kitchen table, risked my life to pick them up from some dude on Craigslist who looked like Kevin Bacon on a Black Sabbath Halloween, and then fit them ALL in my Civic AT ONE TIME.

      I’m sure your rug is equally AMAZING.

      Like

      Jess recently posted The Black Hole for Positive Life Experiences.

    6. I’m with Victor. If for some reason you have to stop, drop, and roll yourselves inside the rug in the event of a gangsta break-in, you’ll want to be completely prepared to survive the onslaught of massive illegal firepower. Protecting y’all’s nether regions is particularly important, frankly, and you’ll only get one chance. No do-overs, ya know what I’m saying? Time for a rug exchange, babe.

      Like

    7. I think it would be much more awesome if the rug could fly. Magic flying carpets are the new black. Everyone’s rugs do it now.

      Like

      Rhea recently posted Most Searched For Word Ever.

    8. Hopefully you don’t share the same name as someone. Cause we all know how that ends up.

      Like

    9. You plan on doing book tours? If you come to my neck of the woods, please don’t take offense when I hump your leg.

      Like

      Akilah Sakai recently posted Silence Is Golden Not!.

    10. Is it opposite day in your house? That whole conversation sounds like it’s reversed, except I don’t think Victor would buy a rug unless at gunpoint (gun to his head, not him brandishing one a Carpet Giant), but I could be wrong.

      Like

      SisterMerryHellish recently posted YouTube How-To- B is for Be Gangster.

    11. In a perfect world, you’d both be right. But since this world is anything but perfect I’ll side with you. Matching is great. Bulletproof is…well…impractical. Now a bulletproof Barcalounger would be awesome.

      Like

    12. Please don’t go on Jersey Shore – I don’t want to hear you have been charged with “being a pubic annoyance”.

      ~EdT.

      Like

      EdT. recently posted Why We Can’t Have Nice Things- Reason 759.

    13. omg I meant “being a public annoyance”. Although the other one wouldn’t be that great, either.

      ~EdT.

      Like

      EdT. recently posted Why We Can’t Have Nice Things- Reason 759.

    14. Ahahahaha! I knew you would love that video 😀

      Like

      Tiffany recently posted I am in love with a concept.

    15. The only time a man is going to be excited about a new rug is if his wife is laying on it naked and waiting.

      Like

      Bodaciousboomer recently posted I am confused Can someone please explain this to me.

    16. I did the Jerseylicious makeover. I look 100% like a drag queen. And not a good one.

      Like

      Gen recently posted Here’s Where I Like to Hang My Purse.

    17. A bulletproof rug doesn’t make the bullets bounce BACK AT YOU though, does it? Because that would kind of suck.

      Like

      Jules recently posted 30 Days of Truth-ish Day 2.

    18. The Furiously Happy movement was the best thing to ever happen to the internet… Right now, I’m so fucking happy I could crush someone with hugs.

      Like

      Jo and the Novelist recently posted A few new site features you may not be aware of yet….

    19. Congratulations on the book! I’m wicked stoked for you. So stoked I want to stoke your hair. Wait stroke your hair. Wait either way it’s weird so let’s pretend that last part didn’t happen and all I said was congratulations. *sigh*

      Like

      Elly Lou recently posted This Week’s Tweets.

    20. Men and their bullet proof rugs. Gawd.

      Kelly

      Like

      Kelly@TearingUpHouses recently posted What Were Reading- September.

    21. Only Donald Trump has a bullet proof rug and it’s on his head.

      Like

      Chris Illuminati recently posted Lets Connect On Facebook.

    22. i say we have a FURIOUSLY HAPPY parade for the book release, full of drag queens, ninjas, dildos and magic bullet proof rugs!!!!!!!! CAN”T WAIT!!!!!!

      Like

    23. Okay, so I only just met you when you had your #FURIOUSLYHAPPY moment. But I fell immediately in love with you. And like you, I’ve been birthing a book about my family for 10 years. It actually sold last year, and then I freaked out because my mother asked me NOT to publish it and – get this – I said okay! What was I thinking? So now I’m back to querying because my literary agent was fired during the economic downturn. Sigh.

      That said, I am genuinely happy for you – seriously. But I’m not going to lie; (and please note my correct use of my semi-colon), I will be pissed if your memoir sucks, so make sure you are the best-bloggess you can be. Can’t wait to buy ten copies!

      http://rasjacobson.wordpress.com

      Like

      Renee Schuls Jacobson recently posted Stuck Behind a Bus.

    24. Awesome is for things like wine, penicillin, and being bulletproof.

      Like

    25. I’d go just a bit more orange for the Jersey photo – you’re still about 3 shades away from TRUE Jersey oompa loompa color. Also, I’m devising a list of possible uses for a matching bullet proof rug. I’ll get back to ya 🙂

      Like

      Dr. Cynicism recently posted Scientists and researchers dont read GQ.

    26. SUPER congratulations on the book! That is so exciting and definitely makes me furiously happy.

      Like

      Marissa recently posted I completely understand why people drink during football And how it feels to be a hobo.

    27. beyond FURIOUSLY HAPPY right now. Sometimes, Jenny, you understand me without knowing it.

      Like

      megansquared recently posted I apologize for this in advance.

    28. I’m totally going to buy your book. First time I’ve ever considered buying a blogger’s book, but I think it’ll be worth it. Now get cracking!

      Like

    29. now why would you need a bulletproof rug? do you have assassins in your basement? no. now, bulletproof curtains I could see.

      Like

      andygirl recently posted Raw Photos Finalists- Autumn Where You Live.

    30. Bodaciousboomer’s comment takes the concept of a bulletproof rug to a whole other level.

      Like

      Dani recently posted Guess who turned 1 on 10-10-10 Or is it 7 Who Knows- But There Was Cake.

    31. Will buy your memoirs as soon as you finish them. Or they get printed, whatever. Wouldn’t want to get all stalkery about that.

      Like

      Lady M recently posted Kindy Volunteer Graduates to the Next Job.

    32. That conversation was hilarious. I agree, a bulletproof rug would be AMAZING.

      Like

      Jennifer recently posted 20 Years Go By.

    33. Getting in the car to go through the Dunkin’ Donuts drive through to procure a dozen donuts…just in case of a zombie attack. It’s all about being prepared.

      Like

      LookieLou, @TPPCtv, Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted Cuteness Alert! Meow Monday Adorable Kittens and a Box Video.

    34. I’m not allowed to buy rugs anymore since we went to the store and I thought “Throw Rugs” was actually a list of instructions.

      Like

      moooooog35 recently posted Typhoid Mary is a Frequent Flyer.

    35. You have inspired me to draw a picture of you naked. I will make you look like a garden fountain. I’ll let you know when it’s posted.

      Like

      Fred Miller recently posted A Few Inappropriate Words.

    36. The issue with a bulletproof rug, while I admire this “standard”, would be finding a supplier. Obviously, he is just jealous again and trying to take you down a notch. Finding a rug that ties the room together is a skill he must not have. I’m just saying. Sorry to call you out Victor.

      Like

      Carrie Grage recently posted Its Your Day- Baby Girl.

    37. Dont’ worry. I can’t draw worth a crap. I’ll just trace a Playboy model with MS Paint.

      Like

      Fred Miller recently posted A Few Inappropriate Words.

    38. I have long known of the power of donuts.

      I have known since I was a child.

      Donuts speak to me.

      It’s a spiritual thing.

      Like

      Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted Raccoons- 1- Lori- 0.

    39. Obviously, your husband’s not a golfer.

      Like

    40. i’d love to read a letter from HST regarding his take on jersey shore. my guess is the page would be blank.

      Like

      Simone recently posted Your name and your rank don’t mean shit to me.

    41. I’m convinced that Snookie was created as a subliminal marketing tool for “Bumpits”.

      Like

      bschooled recently posted The Chronicles of Marnie Yaw Aspiring True Crime Reenctor.

    42. Congrats on the book! Pretty pissed for you that the publishers are insisting that you actually write the thing before they print it. Do they really expect you to do all the work? That sounds kinda fishy to me. Maybe you should do a little due diligence on these people.

      Like

      elizabeth recently posted Monday Dare- misunderstood heroine.

    43. I think it would not be out of place for me to say that every time I enter a room, I look for objects that might serve me well in an unexpected zombie apocalypse. That immediately came to mind when I read Victor’s response. We may just share the same habit. I don’t know how much a bullet proof rug would help in those circumstances, but it sounds useful. I might have to get one of those, just in case. One can never be too careful when dealing with zombies as there might be zombies out there who can shoot back.

      Cheers!

      Like

      Jessica Rolin recently posted Will you have signal there.

    44. Holy crap, that chatroulette thing was either the best thing I’ve ever seen or the worst. A few questions – 1. Is there a Katy Perry video for Peacock out yet and if so, can it be anything but awesome/horrible too? 2. Why so many dudes with no shirt, chatroulette?

      I would totally Jerseylicious myself, but seeing as how I live in the Jersey Shore area and fucking hate it (f-bomb, sorry.), I can’t. You understand, yes?

      Lots of questions. Rhetorical, of course! Excited for your book, lady. Kisses. And I’m trying to be #FuriouslyHappy too. Trying.

      Like

    45. So I met Victor at the conference. He scared the hell out of me. How do you keep him from yelling at you. I never meant to piss him off!

      I think he might have glamoured me! Is he a vampire too? I wanted to be a fairy, but they told me I am too fat for a fairy. Maybe Victor is a fairy!

      Like

    46. Having a bulletproof rug doesn’t stop marmot-wielding nihilists from peeing all over it. Just saying…

      Like

      Eddie recently posted Hallowhen.

    47. Dude, you’re so giving Snookie a run for her money in that shot.

      Can we see you dance with no underwear on now? I’m sorry that sounded wrong. But it’s what she does on Jersey Shore!

      Like

      Annah recently posted BREAKING AND ENTERING.

    48. Sorry Kiddo…I’ve got to go with Victor on this one…Bulletproof would have been AWESOME!!!

      Like

      Jenn recently posted The Weekend I Went Outside.

    49. I’m so going to lie and say the next rug I pick out for our living room is bulletproof. And then I’m going to be like some sort of hero. Until the kids try to wrap themselves up in it and attempt to tag along with the SWAT Team. But until then they’ll think I’m cool.

      Like

      Phoenix Rising recently posted All In The Family.

    50. Chatroulette as a concept makes me ache inside over the lows to which humanity has sunk. That video was awesome. i’m not sure what was more disturbing, the armpit hair… or the number of shirtless, sprawled-out-alone-on-a-bed guys there were browsing that site…

      Like

      Britters recently posted .

    51. This goes with being Furiously Happy. I just found it and was like omg the Bloggess has to watch!

      Like

      jenny recently posted 4-H Week.

    52. wow it would have been helpful if the link had posted eh?

      Like

      jenny recently posted 4-H Week.

    53. Please guest star on Jersey Shore. They clearly need some Texan styling. Anything that shows CUTE Asian guys gets my vote. Congrats again on your book!!!!!!!!!! And you should ask Oatmeal to illustrate some of it for you. And then some of it you should ask “Hyperbole and a Half” to illustrate. Would be the BEST EVER! (Ok, even WITHOUT the illustration would be BEST EVER…)

      Like

      subwow recently posted I will stab anyone who says “Boys will always be boys”.

    54. By the way, the opening of this post should be memorialized in some shape or form. Maybe you should write it on your new carpet.

      Like

      subwow recently posted I will stab anyone who says “Boys will always be boys”.

    55. The Grapes of Wrath also has a super-hot sex scene that I have re-read many times. You can’t tell whether they’re having a prayer meeting or an orgy, so I just go for the orgy.

      Like

      Fred Miller recently posted A Few Inappropriate Words.

    56. I like the super hot Jersey Shore you. You look like that woman from Desperate Housewives. The little latino one.

      Like

    57. Soo uhh… I wasn’t sure where else to post this, but I saw it, and INSTANTLY thought the the Bloggess truly needed it. No really. YOU NEED THIS! lol. Or well… maybe it isn’t your style. But you’ll understand when you see it.

      http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265291857034&c=Page&cid=1283342343948&pagename=vsdWrapper

      Like

    58. I’m sorry, but am I the only one that realizes that Victor is planning to shoot you? (unless he is shorter than you, then he would be pointing up, but what is the likely hood of that).

      I think Hailey is safe. you and the dog should stay off the carpet, hide, or learn to move at the speed of light

      Like

      angelica recently posted Tales from the Sudan part one.

    59. Cant wait for the book!
      Is *it* bulletproof?

      Like

      Paula recently posted Say Huh 7-The Medical Edition.

    60. I’ve been enjoying that Furiously happy thingy…I’m not quite furiously happy yet but find its only a matter of time now.

      Like

      Jenn recently posted A Day With Thomas The Tank Engine.

    61. Email exchange between my sister and I. Start with my email at the bottom:

      From: Jaime
      Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 1:14 PM
      To: Lisa
      Subject: RE: Bloggess

      I just read it. I think I love Victor.

      From: Lisa
      Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 10:22 AM
      To: Jaime
      Subject: Bloggess

      Did you read The Bloggess recently? Her conversation with her husband made me giggle. ?

      Like

    62. I know why you really bought the rug (wink wink) It’s so you have something to roll the person that you stab up in. That’s pretty classy.

      Like

      Grace recently posted Should I Stay or Should I Go.

    63. You gotta admit the man knows his own mind.

      Like

    64. YAY! Thanks for starting the #furiouslyhappy movement.
      Love it.
      We all need it.
      Happiness is a choice, and one day we all just stopped making it.
      Perhaps it’s because people were shooting our rugs. That made us all very unhappy. Until now! Rejoice.

      Like

    65. As a man, I have to say for whatever reason I really hate rugs. My girlfriend keeps trying to bring more rugs into the house and I hate each and every one of them.

      Like

      Robert Labonte recently posted The Age of Adz.

    66. EdT’s “Pubic annoyance” typo was hilarious. If I saw you in the news for a pubic annoyance, I’d have to shout from the rooftops that I read your blog and find you hilarious and that I knew that a pubic annoyance would be coming any day now!

      Congratulations on the book deal! Surely you can make it up to Dallas for a book signing, because I’ll bring my kids to say inappropriate things to you if you come up to Dallas.

      Like

      Amanda recently posted Tonight.

    67. I’d buy a bulletproof rug to go with the brathat can save your life.

      Like

      Jack recently posted That Part of My Life is Over.

    68. You look like Snooki except that there’s depth in your eyes.

      Like

      Theresa Milstein recently posted Break or Break Up.

    69. This is very, very embarrassing, but I thought the picture was a Michelle Obama hair-do. I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m sorry America!!

      Like

    70. Yes, I’m weak and will follow you anywhere. I’ll be in New Braunfels next week looking for you.

      Like

      Jami recently posted Totally inappropriate Youve been warned!.

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