Me: I bought a rug for the living room.
Victor: Oh. It’s okay.
me: It’s “okay?” It’s awesome.
Victor: Really? Is it bulletproof?
me: Um…no? But it matches the couch.
Victor: Well, clearly we have very different standards.
*****************
And now for my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-did-this-week-when-wasn’t-here:
-
The What-I-would-look-like-if-I-was-on-Jersey-Shore Edition.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on the internets:
- Started the #FURIOUSLYHAPPY movement. It exploded all over everything like a volcano of joy and denial. And it was awesome.
- Officially announced that my first book of memoirs will be published by Amy Einhorn Books/Putnam (an imprint of Penguin). They won’t come out for at least a year though because “as we told you before, we still don’t have the technology to print books before they’re written. Please stop asking and send me some more chapters“. It’s like we’re living in the fucking Stone Age, y’all.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Elizabeth of Flourish in Progress, who has
committed to a full year of not spending money on anything non-essential,
except that she *did* just buy this ad so it’s possible that I just fucked
up her whole year. Which would be totally like me, really. I’m a
terrible influence. But technically this is the same woman who recently
shoplifted from her eye doctor and accidentally ridiculed Jesus’ nose so
it’s not exactly like I’m defiling a saint here. Stop judging me.
A bulletproof rug wouldn’t be very useful though, unless your floor keeps stealing drugs. Then I guess it would come in pretty handy.
I #FURIOUSLYHEARTYOU!
Really, wouldn’s scorpion-proof be more important? Considering your current abode……
A bullet proof rug would have helped those people hiding under the floor in “Inglorious Bastards.” Hell I’m gonna get bullet proof carpet installed in my entire house in case I have to hide from the authorities or the enemy. Tell V thanks for the kick ass idea.
Oh wait, we live on top of a 2ft thick concrete slab. Scratch that.
Men don’t appreciate how much time and effort it takes to find things that match. I’m pretty sure that’s why my boyfriend was underwhelmed when I found chairs that match our kitchen table, risked my life to pick them up from some dude on Craigslist who looked like Kevin Bacon on a Black Sabbath Halloween, and then fit them ALL in my Civic AT ONE TIME.
I’m sure your rug is equally AMAZING.
I’m with Victor. If for some reason you have to stop, drop, and roll yourselves inside the rug in the event of a gangsta break-in, you’ll want to be completely prepared to survive the onslaught of massive illegal firepower. Protecting y’all’s nether regions is particularly important, frankly, and you’ll only get one chance. No do-overs, ya know what I’m saying? Time for a rug exchange, babe.
I think it would be much more awesome if the rug could fly. Magic flying carpets are the new black. Everyone’s rugs do it now.
Hopefully you don’t share the same name as someone. Cause we all know how that ends up.
You plan on doing book tours? If you come to my neck of the woods, please don’t take offense when I hump your leg.
Is it opposite day in your house? That whole conversation sounds like it’s reversed, except I don’t think Victor would buy a rug unless at gunpoint (gun to his head, not him brandishing one a Carpet Giant), but I could be wrong.
In a perfect world, you’d both be right. But since this world is anything but perfect I’ll side with you. Matching is great. Bulletproof is…well…impractical. Now a bulletproof Barcalounger would be awesome.
Please don’t go on Jersey Shore – I don’t want to hear you have been charged with “being a pubic annoyance”.
~EdT.
omg I meant “being a public annoyance”. Although the other one wouldn’t be that great, either.
~EdT.
Ahahahaha! I knew you would love that video 😀
The only time a man is going to be excited about a new rug is if his wife is laying on it naked and waiting.
I did the Jerseylicious makeover. I look 100% like a drag queen. And not a good one.
A bulletproof rug doesn’t make the bullets bounce BACK AT YOU though, does it? Because that would kind of suck.
The Furiously Happy movement was the best thing to ever happen to the internet… Right now, I’m so fucking happy I could crush someone with hugs.
Congratulations on the book! I’m wicked stoked for you. So stoked I want to stoke your hair. Wait stroke your hair. Wait either way it’s weird so let’s pretend that last part didn’t happen and all I said was congratulations. *sigh*
Men and their bullet proof rugs. Gawd.
Kelly
Only Donald Trump has a bullet proof rug and it’s on his head.
i say we have a FURIOUSLY HAPPY parade for the book release, full of drag queens, ninjas, dildos and magic bullet proof rugs!!!!!!!! CAN”T WAIT!!!!!!
Okay, so I only just met you when you had your #FURIOUSLYHAPPY moment. But I fell immediately in love with you. And like you, I’ve been birthing a book about my family for 10 years. It actually sold last year, and then I freaked out because my mother asked me NOT to publish it and – get this – I said okay! What was I thinking? So now I’m back to querying because my literary agent was fired during the economic downturn. Sigh.
That said, I am genuinely happy for you – seriously. But I’m not going to lie; (and please note my correct use of my semi-colon), I will be pissed if your memoir sucks, so make sure you are the best-bloggess you can be. Can’t wait to buy ten copies!
http://rasjacobson.wordpress.com
Awesome is for things like wine, penicillin, and being bulletproof.
I’d go just a bit more orange for the Jersey photo – you’re still about 3 shades away from TRUE Jersey oompa loompa color. Also, I’m devising a list of possible uses for a matching bullet proof rug. I’ll get back to ya 🙂
SUPER congratulations on the book! That is so exciting and definitely makes me furiously happy.
beyond FURIOUSLY HAPPY right now. Sometimes, Jenny, you understand me without knowing it.
I’m totally going to buy your book. First time I’ve ever considered buying a blogger’s book, but I think it’ll be worth it. Now get cracking!
now why would you need a bulletproof rug? do you have assassins in your basement? no. now, bulletproof curtains I could see.
Bodaciousboomer’s comment takes the concept of a bulletproof rug to a whole other level.
Will buy your memoirs as soon as you finish them. Or they get printed, whatever. Wouldn’t want to get all stalkery about that.
That conversation was hilarious. I agree, a bulletproof rug would be AMAZING.
Getting in the car to go through the Dunkin’ Donuts drive through to procure a dozen donuts…just in case of a zombie attack. It’s all about being prepared.
I’m not allowed to buy rugs anymore since we went to the store and I thought “Throw Rugs” was actually a list of instructions.
You have inspired me to draw a picture of you naked. I will make you look like a garden fountain. I’ll let you know when it’s posted.
The issue with a bulletproof rug, while I admire this “standard”, would be finding a supplier. Obviously, he is just jealous again and trying to take you down a notch. Finding a rug that ties the room together is a skill he must not have. I’m just saying. Sorry to call you out Victor.
Dont’ worry. I can’t draw worth a crap. I’ll just trace a Playboy model with MS Paint.
I have long known of the power of donuts.
I have known since I was a child.
Donuts speak to me.
It’s a spiritual thing.
Obviously, your husband’s not a golfer.
i’d love to read a letter from HST regarding his take on jersey shore. my guess is the page would be blank.
I’m convinced that Snookie was created as a subliminal marketing tool for “Bumpits”.
Congrats on the book! Pretty pissed for you that the publishers are insisting that you actually write the thing before they print it. Do they really expect you to do all the work? That sounds kinda fishy to me. Maybe you should do a little due diligence on these people.
I think it would not be out of place for me to say that every time I enter a room, I look for objects that might serve me well in an unexpected zombie apocalypse. That immediately came to mind when I read Victor’s response. We may just share the same habit. I don’t know how much a bullet proof rug would help in those circumstances, but it sounds useful. I might have to get one of those, just in case. One can never be too careful when dealing with zombies as there might be zombies out there who can shoot back.
Cheers!
Holy crap, that chatroulette thing was either the best thing I’ve ever seen or the worst. A few questions – 1. Is there a Katy Perry video for Peacock out yet and if so, can it be anything but awesome/horrible too? 2. Why so many dudes with no shirt, chatroulette?
I would totally Jerseylicious myself, but seeing as how I live in the Jersey Shore area and fucking hate it (f-bomb, sorry.), I can’t. You understand, yes?
Lots of questions. Rhetorical, of course! Excited for your book, lady. Kisses. And I’m trying to be #FuriouslyHappy too. Trying.
So I met Victor at the conference. He scared the hell out of me. How do you keep him from yelling at you. I never meant to piss him off!
I think he might have glamoured me! Is he a vampire too? I wanted to be a fairy, but they told me I am too fat for a fairy. Maybe Victor is a fairy!
Having a bulletproof rug doesn’t stop marmot-wielding nihilists from peeing all over it. Just saying…
Dude, you’re so giving Snookie a run for her money in that shot.
Can we see you dance with no underwear on now? I’m sorry that sounded wrong. But it’s what she does on Jersey Shore!
Sorry Kiddo…I’ve got to go with Victor on this one…Bulletproof would have been AWESOME!!!
I’m so going to lie and say the next rug I pick out for our living room is bulletproof. And then I’m going to be like some sort of hero. Until the kids try to wrap themselves up in it and attempt to tag along with the SWAT Team. But until then they’ll think I’m cool.
Chatroulette as a concept makes me ache inside over the lows to which humanity has sunk. That video was awesome. i’m not sure what was more disturbing, the armpit hair… or the number of shirtless, sprawled-out-alone-on-a-bed guys there were browsing that site…
This goes with being Furiously Happy. I just found it and was like omg the Bloggess has to watch!
wow it would have been helpful if the link had posted eh?
Please guest star on Jersey Shore. They clearly need some Texan styling. Anything that shows CUTE Asian guys gets my vote. Congrats again on your book!!!!!!!!!! And you should ask Oatmeal to illustrate some of it for you. And then some of it you should ask “Hyperbole and a Half” to illustrate. Would be the BEST EVER! (Ok, even WITHOUT the illustration would be BEST EVER…)
By the way, the opening of this post should be memorialized in some shape or form. Maybe you should write it on your new carpet.
The Grapes of Wrath also has a super-hot sex scene that I have re-read many times. You can’t tell whether they’re having a prayer meeting or an orgy, so I just go for the orgy.
I like the super hot Jersey Shore you. You look like that woman from Desperate Housewives. The little latino one.
Soo uhh… I wasn’t sure where else to post this, but I saw it, and INSTANTLY thought the the Bloggess truly needed it. No really. YOU NEED THIS! lol. Or well… maybe it isn’t your style. But you’ll understand when you see it.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265291857034&c=Page&cid=1283342343948&pagename=vsdWrapper
I’m sorry, but am I the only one that realizes that Victor is planning to shoot you? (unless he is shorter than you, then he would be pointing up, but what is the likely hood of that).
I think Hailey is safe. you and the dog should stay off the carpet, hide, or learn to move at the speed of light
Cant wait for the book!
Is *it* bulletproof?
I’ve been enjoying that Furiously happy thingy…I’m not quite furiously happy yet but find its only a matter of time now.
Email exchange between my sister and I. Start with my email at the bottom:
From: Jaime
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 1:14 PM
To: Lisa
Subject: RE: Bloggess
I just read it. I think I love Victor.
From: Lisa
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 10:22 AM
To: Jaime
Subject: Bloggess
Did you read The Bloggess recently? Her conversation with her husband made me giggle. ?
I know why you really bought the rug (wink wink) It’s so you have something to roll the person that you stab up in. That’s pretty classy.
You gotta admit the man knows his own mind.
YAY! Thanks for starting the #furiouslyhappy movement.
Love it.
We all need it.
Happiness is a choice, and one day we all just stopped making it.
Perhaps it’s because people were shooting our rugs. That made us all very unhappy. Until now! Rejoice.
As a man, I have to say for whatever reason I really hate rugs. My girlfriend keeps trying to bring more rugs into the house and I hate each and every one of them.
EdT’s “Pubic annoyance” typo was hilarious. If I saw you in the news for a pubic annoyance, I’d have to shout from the rooftops that I read your blog and find you hilarious and that I knew that a pubic annoyance would be coming any day now!
Congratulations on the book deal! Surely you can make it up to Dallas for a book signing, because I’ll bring my kids to say inappropriate things to you if you come up to Dallas.
I’d buy a bulletproof rug to go with the brathat can save your life.
You look like Snooki except that there’s depth in your eyes.
This is very, very embarrassing, but I thought the picture was a Michelle Obama hair-do. I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m sorry America!!
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=169052379777855&set=a.107857705897323.14742.100000192826097
Yes, I’m weak and will follow you anywhere. I’ll be in New Braunfels next week looking for you.