True fact: I like Victor better before he has coffee and turns into a grown-up.

in conversations, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

Conversation I had with Victor at the gas station that we go to every morning for coffee after we take Hailey to school:

Victor:  Dude, we look fucking crazy. Everyone else in here is in a suit on the way to work.  You’re wearing pajamas and my shirt says “That’s MY potpie”.

me:  We don’t look crazy.  No one cares.

Victor:  I could wear a thong and one flip-flop and not look more out of place.

me:  We look fine.  We look like we work from home.  At…some sort of meth lab.

Victor:  When we get home I’m calling my boss to ask if it’s okay if I start another business on the side since it’s not technically competing with my real work.  I’ll be all “Sir, it’s a meth lab. No conflict of interest there.”

me:  Except that it’s a lab and technically you work in a medical field so we should probably register the meth lab in my name on the legal papers.  Plus I’m a girl so I can probably get one of those government grants for women.  Do we have to report meth lab earnings on our taxes?

Victor:  Like, we’d be H & R Block screaming “No, it’s a Meth LAB.  Like, short for laboratory. It’s science.”

me:  Exactly. But first we should go the bank to ask for a business loan.  And I’d be all “I need money for a small start-up.  It’s basically the same business plan as growing tomatoes in my own house and then selling them at the farmers market.  Except instead of tomatoes it’s meth.  But it’s organic so it’s technically healthy.  I make it myself“.

Victor:  And then we should go to open houses and ask the Realtors how thick the firewalls are and loudly measure the kitchen for all of our lab equipment.

me:  No, dude.  We RENT. We meet with the owners and we’re all “So, hypothetically, if there was some sort of explosion, do you have insurance to cover that?  Because we have a lot of expensive equipment and product that would need to be replaced.  Meth doesn’t just grow on trees you know.”  Wait, does meth grown on trees?

Victor:  No idea.  “Hypothetically, have you ever had to barricade the doors here and if so, how successful was it on a scale from 1 to 10?”

me:  Awesome.

Victor: And then the home owners would be all “Well, you’re going to have to fill out some paperwork first” and we’d be like “NO.  NO PAPERWORK. We pay in cash only.”

me:  “Or in meth.  Unless you don’t like meth.  Then we don’t either.”

me (to the check-out lady as we’re leaving):  We don’t really have a meth lab.

Check-out lady:  Oh.  Okay.

Victor:  I don’t think she bought it.  She’s probably  calling the police right now.

me:  No.  She’s probably calling the local meth lab to warn them.  This town is tiny.  They don’t need that kind of competition here.

Victor:  Well, good luck, local meth lab.  We’re going to fucking crush you.

me:  Hmm.  We’re never going to fit in here, are we?

Victor:  Not even a little.

188 thoughts on “True fact: I like Victor better before he has coffee and turns into a grown-up.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I feel you. Aaron and I sang the Rapist song (You know, Antoine Dodson’s We Gon’ find you, We gon’ find you … so you can run and tell dat …) in Target a few weeks after we moved to Nebraska. The husker state apparently doesn’t go for rape jokes.

    We’re never going to fit in.

  4. So… I’m pretty sure meth’s not organic what with all the dangerous chemicals we always hear about.. Unless you have a new way to process chemicals, that counts as organic… wait… organic chemistry? Okay, you can call it organic, but no mid-terms!

  7. Though if you make enough you can buy out the local meth lab, expand your facility, and turn it into a franchise.

    It will essentially be the exact same thing as McDonalds or maybe Taco Bell.

  8. You’re being all half-assed about this.

    I’m sure that if you do even a LITTLE research on the dressing habits and real estate expectations of the local meth dealers you’d find that’s not as hard to fit in as you’re making it out to be.

    I swear it’s like you’re not even trying.

  9. Fitting in is over rated anyway.

    Although that does depend on what you are trying to fit in to. I mean, if it’s a community that doesn’t approve of scientific research then I say SCREW THEM.

    Or whatever. What is meth anyway? *blinks innocently*

  10. i, on the other hand, would like to see victor in a thong and one flip flop.

    Well, not really a thong. That would just be so wrong.

  11. heh. ya. be careful where you joke about meth. some ppl take their meth waaaaaay too seriously.

  12. That’s the kind of conversation my family has. Except it’s usually about the fact that my mother always pays in $1’s (she works at an old folks home and the business office only gives them dollars so she’ll buy diapers for them and has to pay it $30 worth of dollar bills) It’s generally a contest to see who can say the other is a stripper first. She actually had the kid at Hobby Lobby convinced her coworker was a stripper and that since she’s so old and saggy they sometimes throw quarters at her. Then her friend topped her by saying that another friend in her 60’s get pennies tossed at her.

  13. Dear Jenny,

    If Victor is truly concerned about the looks in the morning. Wear a tie for him. With the pajamas.

    Also…people I work with often think I am joking about this….but often I am not.

    Coffee in the morning definitely makes people too serious. Too focused.
    BUT
    Coffee augmented by a nice shot of Bailey’s or Kathryn’s and the ideas just keep pumping out.

    Like my idea about building a distillery in the boonies outside Austin, Texas…solely so that Texans never run out of Irish Creme. My idea. All mine.

    Just a thought 😉

    Tony

  14. You guys need to move to New York. No one would blink an eye at this conversation. You might have even gotten investors.

  16. Don’t you dare open a meth lab when there is such a marijuana shortage!! Sure it might require more of a green thumb, but at least your thumb won’t be blown off your hand. Unless marijuana farming is more complicated than I suspect. I don’t know cause I watch Breaking Bad and not Weeds. Let me add Weeds to my Netflix Queue and get back to you.

  18. True Story: In Bend, Oregon, where I used to live, there was a drive-up Meth and Pot store masquerading as a drive-up Mexican restaurant. And no, I am not being prejudiced, here, this is a TRUE story. So anyway, apparently you’re not supposed to do that so they closed it, then re-opened it as just a regular Mexican Restaurant, but none of my friends, or I, would go there any more. I mean, because we didn’t want to get accidentally meth-ed. Or Potted, not because we lost our supplier. Because that’s not why we quit going. Actually I’ve never even been there ever. Actually forget this whole thing. It’s just pretend.

  19. Ok, first of all, I only recently discovered your blog, but I am already totally smitten and driving my husband batshit crazy by reading all your posts out loud and laughing hysterically.

    Second, I’m fom Middleburg, FL, which is the meth-lab capitol of the world. I’m pretty sure. You could look that up to verify, I suppose, but I really wouldn’t bother. Anyways, if you’re gonna run a meth lab, you need to move out to the most God-forsaken trailer park you can find and set up shop there. Cheap, private, no need to keep insurance, and easily replaced if you screw up and blow the place sky-high (which you’ll probably do at least once, because, let’s face it, you guys are meth noobs). The added bonus here is that you’ll probably blow up several neighboring trailers, making it that much harder for the police to pinpoint the source of the destruction. Plus, most of your clientele will be your next-door neighbors, so really, it’s bulletproof. The business, that is. Not the trailer. Trailers do not stand up to any sort of force. That’s why I recommend you make sure there isn’t already another meth lab on the premesis, because meth people are very territorial, and usually very well armed. As for the dress code, it sounds like you guys are right on target, especially since you already have the curlers for your hair, and Victor has the thong. You’re all set.

    So anyways, good luck with all that. Oh, and *I* personally do not run a meth lab. Just to clarify.

  20. RE: Whether meth grows on trees…

    I work in the field…wait–not the meth field–and by “not the meth field” I mean I neither work in a sweeping meadow full of meth bushes and/or trees nor do I work in the production or distribution of meth–the field I actually work in is recovery/rehabilitation so needless to say, I am surrounded on a daily basis with people who are thoroughly versed in the growing/manufacturing and often distribution of various substances frowned upon by law including, perhaps not surprisingly, meth. In the course of my job I was privileged to overhear a conversation between a youngish recovering addict whose issue had been mainly prescription pharmaceuticals used in a, shall we say, off-label manner and an older guy who had dabbled far more extensively in just about every substance known to eff a dude up. The youngish guy, in the way of youngish guys everywhere, was apparently trying to impress the older dude with his vast knowledge of illegal drugs and was talking about when he used to “grow meth” and how hard it was. The older dude was not impressed–and he was not impressed in a way that included brutal mockery and a string of profanity.

    It was one of those innocence lost moments for the youngish guy–kind of like finding out the truth about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

    Wait–you DID know Santa and the Tooth Fairy have a meth lab, right?

  23. Dude, I wanna work in THAT town. The gas station I work out has the meth lab operators brawling in the parking lot on a daily basis. Also, people come into my store in pajamas at all hours of the day…wait, does the sexy lengerie the under age hookers where COUNT as pajamas? If it doesn’t, please disregard that statement.

  24. I was going to say you should just feed him decaf from now on but you get your morning coffee from a store… And dude, ANYBODY that is getting their coffee from a gas station, no matter how well dressed, has no business judging anybody else.

  27. I don’t want to live in a world where you can’t wear pajamas to a GAS STATION. This is not the Ritz, you know?

    And that checkout lady was probably disappointed. I bet she alienated the last meth lab and now without you, what will she do? You wouldn’t want to disappoint her, would you?

  28. And the girl crush grows. But now it includes Victor…so I have a couple crush on you guys? Or does that only work if my husband has a crush on you both as well? Or does it then become a couple’s couple crush?
    REGARDLESS. I am crushing on you. And Victor. And my husband would crush on you both, too, because we’re basically you guys. With a less awesome blog. And lives.

  30. Does Victor have a single brother? Preferably one that likes blonds? No reason, really.

    Well maybe. I’ve been looking for a new career and this Meth Lab sounds good.

    Let me know about the brother.

  31. In australia, where I’m from. a thong IS a flip flop. So he has a flip flop and one flip flop….. can you see the problem I’m having with this conversation?

  32. Besides which, this conversation sounds like something Jules and Vincent might have had before blowing some unfortunate person’s head off in Pulp Fiction.

  33. You are Victor are MADE for each other. Obviously. And I’m sure you freaked out the other patrons at the gas station but that’s just how you roll.

  34. Hell, Jenny. You’d be in the upper five percent best dressed if you dropped in to your local Wal Mart for your morning coffee.

  36. Conversations like this are the best! The what ifs! My little sister had to plan her prom, so we tried to come up with the BEST idea. Like: Rehab Prom, or House Arrest Prom (free ankle bracelets), or NASCAR Prom, or Saudi Arabia Prom (better in keeping with the dress code) “Dancing in the Desert (Without Touching)”. Pretty much everything had us going, by the end. Airplane Bathroom Prom “An Evening in the Sky”, (imagine the pictures).

  37. I completely understand why you want to start a meth lab in your part time – good money, interesting people, a possibility to enjoy the hospitality of government if caught. But drinking coffee from a PETROL STATION? Daily? Are you serious? What terrible crime did you commit to deserve that? Or is petrol station coffee better in America than Australia???

  38. Shoulda moved closer to Austin. You’d totally fit in here. Particularly in a thong and one flip flop.

  39. This just shot straight to my top 3 all-time favorite posts you’ve ever done. Seriously, Victor should go without coffee more often because honestly, this is beyond awesome. Unless, of course, a non-caffeinated Victor would cause problems for you, then never mind.

  41. My boyfriend has just started uni as a mature student and was texting me binary code last night. Now THAT’S romance.

  43. My family and I have so much fun in restaurants that people get up and move. True story. And fitting in is TOTALLY overrated.

  44. Good god, how I worship you. And thank you for helping me to further cement my position as the crazy night audit clerk at the hotel I recently started at. <3 I love scaring people with my laughs.

  45. Damn woman, everyone knows that you must always consult the bloody horse before you leave the house. You would have been so much happier. 😉

  48. Yeah, I hate to tell you this, but we totally make fun of the parents who show up to school in their pjs. And I mean a LOT of fun. Relentless……

    So….you’ve got that going for you.

  50. Uh-oh. I now have a tiny crush on Victor. It’s OK though, because I’ve had a crush on you for years now. It’s Victor’s turn.

  51. Dude, I studied chemistry, a meth lab is a legitimate occupation for me if none of my other jobs work out.
    I’d tell you to watch Breaking Bad for research, but some of it is wrong, and I don’t want you trying to melt the bodies of local meth thugs in the wrong acid now.

    Also, if meth dealers are supposed to wear normal clothes to fit in, then keep on wearing your pyjamas so people don’t suspect you.

    We used to have thong throwing competitions on Australia Day. Because chucking a piece of rubber footwear down the road is entertainment where I’m from.

    This fragmented comment is less funny in written form than it was in my head. But yeah, I have these sort of conversations with my gay, and then some people think we’re married because we act that way but we’re barely old enough to have had teenage pregnancies running feral around a school. Boobs.

  53. Jenny, you and Victor make me laugh. Love the both of you to pieces. But even so, please remind me never to stand behind the pair of you in the TSA screener line at the airport. Unless, of course, I can look at your backscatter X-ray picture. ‘Cuz I think that would be awesome.

    ~EdT.

  54. I’m impressed with your ability to have a coherent pre-coffee conversation. My husband and I just try not to kill eachother before the caffeine kicks in.

  55. Guys, I’m pretty sure that in most parts of the country these days, damage due to meth production is considered “normal wear-and-tear” for a rental.

  56. My brother in law & his girlfriend have set fires to not only his grandfather’s home, but also his mother’s trying to make Meth. I think it should come standard in all home insurance policies in Texas. Especially the Houston area. & I take my kid to school in my jammies all the time because it’s really fun embarassing the heck out of him. You & your hubby are superheros.

  57. You just gave me a great work from home idea… crack manufacturing! Because, technically cocaine does grow on trees (or is it plants? Or is a tree a plant? Sorry, I suck at farming) so all we’d have to do is pick the coke balls off and then microwave then and they’ll turn into crack! –I learned that off of 50 Cent.

    Maybe we should team up?

  58. As far as i’m concerned, you only need one other person to appreciate who you are to classify as “fitting” in. By the sounds of it, you’ve found that one person who appreciates you. Therefore, technically, you’re fitting in. You rule. And if my definition of fitting in doesn’t mean everyone else’s. Then I have two words for you – Fuck.Them. Who need constant peer approval when you could be selling hard-core drugs to fund your daughters future school-career/ or buy a sweet as pimped-out-crib with shag walls?

  61. Oh my. You just summed up my brief stay in hell (read: Summerside) I never fit in there either.

    BUT I’m thinking living near you would be interesting and not the slightest bit boring…

    M

  62. All I can say is that I’m waaaay too drunk to read this whilst being in the dorms. I love you.

  63. So I just finished watch seasons 1-5 of Weeds, and I feel confident to tell you, the money isn’t in production, it’s in sales.

    Plus, I heard that shit blows up. Like, literally, kaboom.

  64. oh the joy of ficticious meth labs….i personally have pondered the concept of starting a house arrest hookers business “for those who just can’t hit the streets”

  65. Fitting in is overrated. I love the looks I get while chasing the neighbor rooster around my yard while in my pajamas, all because he was picking on my homosexual rooster. I mean damn people, gay roosters have rights too!

  66. They say “communication” is key to a good relationship. I think that batshit insane off the wall banter really helps as well. Keep it up!

  67. I agree with Dangerboy. Communication is the key to a good relationship. You guys obviously keep the channels open! Thanks for making my morning!!!

  69. See, you and Victor dream together and fantasize about your future. I was talking to my husband the other night, I don’t even remember about what, but to back up my claim I said, “its fucking SCIENCE.” And he just went “uh huh” and gave me that exasperated “why do I even bother talking to you” look. The right response would have been, “yes, it IS science, and its the BEST science ever and you’re really smart. Good job honey.” Then we could have had a decent conversation about how I was going to use this science to improve our lives and THE WORLD. Thanks a lot Nate. You just ruined the world.

  70. The major up-side of this column is that the comments couldn’t POSSIBLY be funnier than it.

  71. I’m fairly certain that meth lab explosions are far less common that plain old fires from all the flammable chemicals. However, because meth-heads are desperate AND clever, they developed mobile meth labs. Now, you won’t even need a rental because you can just make the stuff on the go in the car – probably on the way back from taking Hailey to school. Bonus: I think insurance companies are less suspicious of car fires than they are of house fires.

  72. Squeee! Victor/Jenny dialog is my favorite!! I think he makes you a better person. Who else would push you to expand yourself into entrepreneurship and organic sciencey things?!

  73. do you have a netflix account? there is a new play instantly National Geographic Documentary on Meth: the world’s most dangerous drug, which would probably explain the growing on trees part and tell you all the details for tax evasion. I almost watched it last night.

  74. You know this conversation sounded a lot like something on the sets of Will and Grace. Plus instead of meth, I think you’d be profitable if you grew weed (pot, marijuana) and you would be safer off too, you know. I hear meth does some Halloween tricks on your skin. Growing pot is equal fun too, you could name all the plants, have conversations with them, bake ‘pot-pies’, brownies and may be also cup-cakes. Statefarm could be your insurer – you get the joke: Statefarm would insure a pot-farm…..

  75. Meth DOES go on trees. I just planted a row of Meth Trees to line my driveway, I find it adds a sense of class to the neighborhood and smells great — plus, we get a lot of interesting visitors to the neighborhood –interested in our meth trees. Win-win-win!

  76. I just love the way you and Victor talk things out and find solutions! What a great way to spend your extra time – creating organic and healthy meth. Finding a logo should be one of your first priorities and then figuring out a way to make the packaging just soooo irresistable that everyone will want some. I read somewhere that you’ll want the packaging with lots of red or yellow. I’d probably go with yellow…it’s a happier color. But don’t use Papyrus as your font…it’s SO overused these days. 😉

  77. i’m sorry, but i’m still trying to figure out why you’re at a gas station for coffee. i mean, is it REALLY good coffee? does your town lack a dunkin donuts? because that’s where i go for all my coffee needs. of course, i don’t drink lots of coffee, because i drink diet coke. only we call it diet crack. because i need to drink it all the time. like now, i just finished a bowl of cinnamon life (yes, i’m a grown up… mostly) and i have to wait like 15 minutes before drinking diet crack otherwise it mixes up with the milky-cinnamony taste in my mouth and taste horrible. and trailer parks are so obvious for meth labs. you should get like a house for bees (these do exist, i had a family member who was a beekeeper) where one would keep, like, the machines for extracting honey and what not. and the hives would be outside of the house, just keep those empty. and build it WAY in the corner of your property, super far from your house. and be like ‘we have it back there to keep the bees away from the house, you don’t want to go back there. bees are fucking crazy’ and no one will even question it.

    foolproof, really. now i’m going to find some diet crack so i can make less sense.

  80. “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service”- this may be the only thing stopping most people from wearing a thong and just one flip-flop while on excursion for morning coffee while taking a break from the meth LAB. Can’t recall the last time seeing the ‘NSNSNS’ signage (seems like they’ve all switched to “We Reserve the Right To Refuse Service To Anyone” as the new black of barring service) but feel that it’s O.K. because I just came along for the ride, I was just browsing anyway. Know that pre-coffee-a.m.-pajama-wearers aren’t as suspect as the late-night-pajama-going-to-a-gastropub-for-onionrings when hitting said establishment on a rocking Friday night when everybody and their date are hitting the town. It’s a good thing you’re far removed, probably have better BBQ because of it. Thanks and thanks.

  81. Ugh, thank you very much. My husband works in a field that frequently uses one of the ingredients in Meth. I know this, because it is stolen…often. I am always paranoid to look up, read, talk about anything Meth related, because the Fed’s will come knocking on my door. AND, i just bought some cold medicine last week that I had to produce my Driver’s Liscense to receive.
    SO…while I sit in a jail cell, swearing I don’t make Meth, I will be thinking of you and Victor, and assuring the cops that the blog I read REALLY did not mean they were cooking meth! Oh..and ya, you “cook it”. I think i’ve said too much now.

    OH..and in my little bitty town, just this week, the ONE trailer park in town, had a meth lab busted.

  82. You guys should do a talk show on healthy marriages. It’s all about communication and respect. Dude look at you guys coming together over coffee making start up plans for a new venture to capitalize on. It’s fucking beautiful. Good luck with your meth lab!! xoxoxox

  84. Btw, what is up with Down Under folks? Is Australia the new Canada? Just saying. The Bloggess doesn’t discriminate, lucky for you mates, eh. —oh, I get it. You’ve already been awake since yesterday. It’s your tomorrow today. Heh.

  86. you make not fitting in epic – besides, Breaking Bad tells me you can’t _really_ go wrong with cooking meth for a living. it totally gives you a good excuse to be “unstable, volatile and dangerous,” while also living a “thrilling” life. i approve of this plan.

  87. jenny,
    for the sake of EVERYONE. i hope you never ever EVER fit in.
    the world would be a sadder place if you did.
    love,
    steff
    ps – can meth be sent through the USPS? if so… one please!

  89. At you meth lab on your desk (do meth labs have desks?) you should have one of those little things with the silver balls hanging on the wires that you tap back and forth. That would be awesome to pass the time. You could write it off.

  90. Fact: I want to move to TX and have you and Victor adopt me. I do taxes for a living, so I could totally get you write-offs for the meth lab. Totally.

  91. Ok, lemme tell you from experience that when those meth houses blow, the BLOW UP. It’s not if, it’s when. SO you should totally get all of you SBA start up stuff as a Fireworks manufacturer. Advertise the hell outta that new small business. THAT WAY, when it blows up, no one is surprised and they’ll still take up a collection in town to replace all of your shit.

    Think big picture here hun.

  93. Perhaps you’d be interested in investing in my new line of clothing. You can wear it as is, inside-out, backwards, and on any occasion. You can sleep in it as well. I’ve been testing the prototype on myself for years, using shirts from the dollar store until I get the technology down enough to go with a more up-scale Walmart design. So, like, if you get a stain on it, let’s hypothetically say, from a meth lab explosion, just turn the shirt around, or inside-out, and you’re good to go. And if someone asks if you have your shirt on backwards, you say “Au contraire” (which will shitlessly impress them, unless or course your meth lab is in France, and then, never mind) “this is Maureenwear, and you are an ass.” You and Victor could get in on the bottom floor, and the three of us could make a killing in the ready-to-wear illegal substance manufacturing fashion world. Not killing literally…you know what I mean.

  96. My GOD I adore your conversations with Victor! I hope your book has got tons of those in it. I’m waiting until my kids are out of public school and then I’m going to move to a new neighborhood where no one knows them or me and “never fit in” on purpose! And since they’re going to (cross your fingers!) pass the Marijuana law in California I’m prepping the hillside behind my house for my new side business! I wonder if pesticides will enhance the product high…

  98. i am jealous of the hilarity of this conversation. i feel like my husband and i are this funny. but in reality, this is just not true. you could say that we are always in the after coffee state of mind. i shall now live through you and your extremely awesome life.

  99. I’m from Eastern Kentucky. We don’t joke about meth labs y’all. It’s our ECONOMY. Plus, everyone is related and has cell phones so they’d call their cousins who run the town’s highest grossing meth lab and warn them I was opening a competing meth lab, and then I’d get shot graveyard dead in my pickup truck on my way home from Walmart, just so some shit-kickers could keep their meth monopoly. I’m pretty sure that’s how the Hatfield/McCoy feud started.

  101. Awesome. Sounds exactly like the type of conversation I have with my husband… Where we end up saying, “I don’t think ANYONE has ever had this conversation before” hahaha

  102. I think if you guys are going to make this scheme even half-way legit, you need to prepare for your roles. So, like, shave off your eye brows, lose 50+ pounds each, and stay up all night every night for at least a month to achieve optimum under-eye-bags. You gotta look the part!

  105. If you’re going to be making organic, hand-made meth, you’ll have to set up an Etsy shop to sell it.

  106. Federal law requires you to claim all income, whether the source is legal or illegal, on your taxes. You could just list the business as “pharmaceuticals”. You can then take deductions for your supplies and depreciate your equipment and start up expenses. Also, the interest on a business loan is deductible as well. If you set aside space in your home to be used solely for this enterprise, you can potentially claim some home office expenses.

  108. So yes, marijuana does grow on trees whereas meth, clearly, doesn’t (have you ever seen trees in a lab?). But, equally clearly, growing marijuana is dangerous – just watch Weeds – so meth is probably a safer bet. And, as you say, you can’t beat homemade. Matter of fact, home made is probably even better than tree made. Good luck with your new business venture. If the local meth growers bother you, I’m sure you can blow them up in your new lab.

  109. Oh, don’t worry about fitting in.

    Recently at work I invited my coworkers to a gathering at the lake for a social outing and they were all thrilled except the new girl. She had fear in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she goes “That’s Meth Lake right?” All of us looked at each other. “Meth Lake?” we asked. “Yeah! Every time I visit a friend over there it’s the same thing. I’m not allowed to use their bathroom until their parents trust me. So I investigated a few and found that their bathrooms were all mini meth labs.” So maybe, if fitting in is an issue, you should invest in a meth lab. And buy some chickens maybe. That’s one way to get cool points with the toothless locals. Everyone loves meth and chicken right?

    ‘specially them river folk, yup.

  111. Mmm. Just the right amount of Jenny+Victor flavor on this post. It’s better than hot sauce.

    *gobbles post*

    p.s. gobble. I just used gobble in a non-turkey-related sentence. Well. Not a sentence, technically, but I work, er, “work” on the internet, where technicalities are VIRTUALLY (ha! score!) ignored.

    p.p.s. I just turned into a wanna-be Nancy W. Kappes, didn’t I. (RIP Nancy.)

    p.p.p.s. Just.

  113. p.p.p.p.s. (And by “work” I mean that the internet is my medium, and I am an artist. Or: I am that lazy loafer your co-worker warned you about.)

    p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. (although it may have been RuPaul, and she may have been singing when she warned you. and she may have been warning the public at large. or only me. actually, she was speaking to me. alone. and we were in this room, where it was all warm and dark and soft and there was a catwalk, and it was fancy, just, no one could see it, well, except for RuPaul and Will Arnett whose name for some reason comes to mind when I think of RuPaul, and they were fighting over me. or it was cat they were fighting over, a cat on the catwalk, in haute cat-ure.

    oh, the things you can do when you infuse the word “cat” into a bigger word. it’s better than calendar porn. with cats.)

  119. I read the other day that meth is a natural ingredient from the acacia tree that grows in West Texas. I have no idea if that’s true.

  120. This is exactly why I don’t drink coffee! Much funnier without it. And, I’m pretty sure Starbucks is owned by the devil. And by the devil I mean Bill O’Reilly, Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg jointly. And by jointly I mean…oh nevermind.

    Don’t fit in Jennykins. Don’t EVER fit in!

  121. Okay, it’s official. I have now fallen in love with both you AND your husband!!!!!

  124. Great talk! You have to consider franchising! homemade meth sounds like a great advertising slogan, makes it so much more personal. I think the coffe lady will probably start giving you decaf instead.

  127. Officially the most romantic conversation… ever.

    We haven’t reached the point in our relationship of discussing potential meth lab operation. Some day, it will happen to us though. Some day.

  128. I used to be concerned about my attire when I visited the gas station. “Maybe, I shouldn’t wear these sweat pants?” However, one day I saw a man exiting said gas station with a single shoe on his foot and a forty in his hand. Then I wasn’t concerned about wearing my ‘outside slippers’ to pick up a soda.

  129. I forwarded this to my boyfriend and his response was, “Can we meet these people and hang out with them all the time please?” I said yes so you need to give me your address. Thanks!

  131. you saved me today. pouring money into my pit of a house on repairs was bad, but this made me laugh. thanks!

  132. Wow. If there was ever a match made in ….heaven, it would be yours. HOW did you find each other?

  134. My husband works from home, he’s a professional artist except when we say that to the neighbors, you can so tell they believe that. Also I just started hosting a biggest loser challenge so every Monday we have people coming, staying only 5minutes then leaving all day long- shoot these isn’t looking good for us is it?!!!

  136. Too funny! Thank you for sharing… it is like all the things I say in my head come out of your mouth. Much appreciated!

  138. Okay, three things:

    1. That stuff that comes out of the pumps at the gas station? It’s not coffee.

    2. If you’re going to market your meth as organic and healthy, you should change some of your terminology. Instead of “making meth in your meth lab”, you’re “brewing artisan meth in small batches in your traditional meth kitchen”.

    3. My endearingly naive spellchecker doesn’t recognize “meth” as a word.

  141. I applaud your loose plan for a new start up, (although, not sure this is the small business ventures Obama has been talking about). However, I am confused at the description of your coffe house of choice. Keep in mind I am from Seattle.
    Here is the part that trips me up.
    {at the gas station that we go to every morning for coffee after we take Hailey to school.} Followed by this;
    {Everyone else in here is in a suit on the way to work.}
    Several people go to the gas station and drink coffee? They don’t purchase a cup then head back to their car? So, in this very poplar place for gas AND coffee, there are chairs? Or are all the suits, plus you two with pj’s, standing?
    I went to a gas station yesterday and instead of just filling up and leaving, I went inside. Just to see if there were chairs or people drinking coffee. There weren’t. Now, I feel as if I need to move. Thanks.

  143. I’d ask for Victor to stop drinking coffee, because he’s apparently a genius without it, but he’d be a grumpy genius. Plus I’m just a random person commenting, and my opinions don’t matter. Except on YouTube.

  144. And since it is an organic product, maybe you can get Whole Foods to carry it. You’d be like, “Well, it’s a homeopathic remedy”, and the WF mgr would say, “Oh?, what does it remedy?”, and you’d say, “everything”, and he’d say “everything?”, sort of disbelieving, like, which would make you annoyed slightly, and you’d say “Freak-what part of everything don’t you understand?”, and he’d be like, “Uh, sure, I’ll buy two cases”. Or ounces. What is the proper unit of measurement for meth, anyway? Congrats on the side business.

  147. You two are so freaking hilarious! OMG! Me and my sis were LOL’ing in here…lol. Ok, here’s one that might be right up your alley. This is how I think that the industry is going to transform robots into luscious sex gods…lol.

    Have a good one Jenny!

    The Asimo Effect

  149. Although I write about the hardest-working people I know, I still think:

    the family that plays together, stays together! 🙂

  151. ohman, if you weren’t married already, i would propose.
    possibly with a puppet made of dead animal fur, or maybe something with pipe cleaners. you know, to hold the ring? ; ]

  152. I need a job.

    I should say I need a new job. I am great at drugs. Doing and making them.

    What more could you and Victor need for a *LAB* assistant.

  154. *throws hands up and yells WIN!!!* i have conversations like this. out loud. but with myself. although my internet boyfriend (who’s coming to visit in two weeks btw … omg. i’m going to kill the poor boy.) and i are goofballs too … so. yes. this is a prerequisite for any intimacy. craziness.

    someday i should tell you all about my “retail experience in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains”. toothless and ruthless and excuse-less. omg. pj’s that are clean would be MAJOR sophistication here.

    did i mention thanks for the comment on my blog? thanks. and thanks. and umm. yeah. hugs and all that other stuff.

  155. Perhaps you can invest in a Starbucks-like meth lab….you know where you can get flavored meth…vanilla meth, hazelnut meth, coffee meth…that way you don’t have to go to the store every morning to get your coffee and morning jump start.

  157. I just found your page this week, thanks to your Shine blog. I’ve laughed myself to tears so often I feel bipolar already. It just occurred to me, after I got to about page 3, that you spell “y’all” right, and I just wanted to point out that you, madam, are fucking awesome. There most certainly IS an apostrophe, and it’s most certainly between the ‘y’ and the ‘a’ – because “y’all” is a fucking contraction for the words “you all” and it only makes sense to place the apostrophe in the aforementioned spot. I applaud your good work.

  161. That’s just too much! I would have loved to have seen the faces of anyone who overheard that conversation.

    First of all, I love pot-pie! They’re so easy to pop in the oven or microwave. Secondly, I’m looking for a full-time position and I think I could handle the sales department of your company. I would develop an online site for purchasing your product, making sure the meth is portrayed in the most appealing photos so people can’t help but want to buy it. Our maketing would be something like, “Why take a chance on blowing yourself up? Let us do all the work for you, so you can take your meth home and enjoy it without the fear of explosion..”

    Then, I would create a call center where all kinds of orders could be taken round the clock–because meth people are probably up at the weirdest hours. We could answer the phones with “B & V’s Megalo Meth Lab. We also sell acne cream and fake teeth, pot-pie T-shirts and flip-flops, thongs and curlers–everything for your meth and “fittin-in” wear needs. How can we help you?”

    And, you need a “mobile” meth lab if you want to stay competitive. We could “Scooby Do” it all up in a “methy” sort of way. (My cousin use to work as undercover security at one of the local Wal-Marts here in town. She would warn me NOT to go that Wal-Mart because they were constantly having to watch out for and arrest people in the parking lot for making meth in their vans right on the parking lot after purchasing the ingredients inside the Wal-Mart.)

    Please, keep me in mind when you start the hiring process. I can email or fax my resume.

  163. Listen, this post is an insult to good, hard-working people who operate meth labs everyday. I personally work really hard in my lab, and I believe that to make the best meth possible, I have to dress for success. That’s why it’s nothing but top of the line designers and high heels (except nothing really flammable for obvious reasons).

  165. You guys came up with that business plan quicker than most people with legitimate businesses. Huh. I think I found an answer there. To what question, I have no clue.

  166. Girl, weed grows, meth is made. That’s why you have to ask for cold medicine at CVS because it takes a gross ton of sudafed to make an ounce of meth. But yeah, it makes a total mess and really impacts your resale value. Good thing he is in the medical field and can get supplies. 1700 liter beakers can sometimes be hard to come by. Don’t you watch COPS? After a few episodes you will know exactly what to do.

  169. Hi I come from Tennessee, in the middle of the land of crazy meth makers. It’s not organic, it’s made out of draino and cold medicine. In a fairly decent long way it may sort of grow on trees if some of the items that go into it were once maybe long time ago derived from plant sources. There’s a lot of meth labs in the town I live in… I hear of at least 2 explosions a week. Though you’d think with that amount by now they would have blown themselves all up but nah they just keep coming…

    oh and p.s. most of the ones I’ve heard of have been in ratty old trailers. Find one of those, the owners probably don’t care if it blows up.

  170. So happy to hear I am not the only mother who takes her kid to school in pajamas! Though my husband has forbidden me to wear my Dinosaur Jr. T-shirt again (the one with the underage-looking girl smoking a cigarette or possibly a joint). He thinks it’s inappropriate for an elementary school for some reason.

  172. I can’t drive so I look conspicuously out of place at a gas station.
    I have nobody so my conversation is less witty back-and-forth, more crazed monologue.
    And I can tell you right now that I certainly don’t qualify for any kind of business loan.
    I DO, however, have some particularly masculine pajamas, with only a few poorly crafted repairs.

    But I forget where I was going with this now. I made myself sad.

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  175. You’d both fit in in Monument, CO where my husband goes to the local diner for breakfast and sits with a guy who owns a medical marijuana business. The waitresses also don’t blink an eye.

  178. So in between emails, I may have managed to leave out the fact that the husband and I live diagonally across from a Casey’s General Store/gas station… thing.

    … We are never going to fit in here. Offensive thing #1: We don’t sleep during normal hours. It started because I work overnights, but now it’s both of us and it’s all the time, not just on the days I work.
    Offensive thing #2: I don’t even try to act like I’m a normal person. It’s pointless and wastes my time.
    Offensive thing #3: We’re under 30 (a rarity for this part of town) and fairly successful, considering that only one of us works and there isn’t really any effort involved to making ends meet.
    Offensive thing #4: We are up at odd hours with people in other countries talking to us. >.>
    Offensive thing #5: We buy disturbing quantities of Red Bull and junk food very late at night or very early in the morning. People look at us funny.
    Offensive thing #6: EVERYONE here has an opinion on EVERYTHING. We don’t have opinions. On any of it.

    I could go on, but I’m sure you would get bored. So I won’t.

    -Amanda (Or what remains thereof.)

  181. Enjoyed this post. I came across your blog for the first time via Babble. Delighed to encounter another mother willing to talk about something other than which kid has a runny nose, what color Prius they should buy, or (my personal favorite): how to get your kid to crawl faster. Who the F#@@ wants that? I’ll definitely be back. You’re an inspiration.

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  187. No need to worry about fitting in when you have each other! I live in a very rural town so I can where those pajamas and what not ANYWHERE 🙂

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