Every night before I go to bed I write “And then we were murdered in our sleep” in my journal so that there’s always an ending even if the worst happens. Victor thinks it’s a sign I need to up my medication but I’m pretty sure it’s just a sign that I’m a really considerate writer.
And now, time for our weekly wrap-up:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed on the internets:
Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This weekly wrap-up sponsored by the tremendously kick-ass website Gaggle of Chicks, which offers up deals of up to 70% off stuff moms want. Stuff like cooking supplies. And crack.*
*Gaggle of Chicks doesn’t actually sell crack.
Yet.**
**Gaggle of Chicks has no plans to ever sell crack and they greatly regret allowing Ms. Lawson to write this ad copy.
I knew my journal was always missing something! The last word written in it (four years ago) is “arsehole”, about the man I didn’t know I was about to fall back in love with, and who I ended up marrying last year. You know, just so you’re aware of what I wrote in my journal four years ago.
I have just ran across your blog and I must say I love it. It is so humorous and interesting. I guess I will be spending some time here.
Off to click the little orange RSS button. Keep up the great work!!!
Much better than my “I think I forgot to lock the front door”, which just makes it seem like I have undiagnosed OCD.
Gaggles of chiks is damn good
My friend used to read my writing all the time and add “and then I barfed”. Pretty sure it’s because my writing is really that bad. Or she had an eating disorder.
At least if it does happen, you’re helping the cops out by giving them their first clue. So that’s nice.
You are an odd bird, but that is what makes you great.
I was going to say something like, “Do you want the Exorcist amigurmi? It’s so you.” – And then I realized how wrong that sounds. Hm.
I once had a friend show me one of her journal entries.
Dear Journal,
Nevermind.
-Hillary
I’d totally offer to teach you how to knit but unfortunately that stuff is crochet and I can’t crochet worth a damn.
It’d be funny though cause then you could say you’re a “hooker”
I can’t will myself to write in a journal. I really should, in case I really *am* murdered one day, someone can look back and see what the hell kind of things that went on in my head.
You’re just being a smart writer, really. It’s a responsible thing to do.
I’m just impressed that you have the discipline to write in your journal every night before bed.
I really think you are limiting your creative genius by sticking to the same line.
Next time, how about “and then, we were eating by a dragon.” Then you could drag wet fruity pebbles across the page like it was melted dragon sparkleriffic scales. Sparkles are neat.
I’m all about crocheting. If i had time I would totally make something creepy for you. I should say the chances of me flunking out of school are very high. So you never know, I just might have some free time approaching….
I have never been able to keep a journal for long…and a good thing, as anyone reading what really goes on in my head would most likely think something along the lines of “Thank goodness!” and be able to come up with perfectly logical reasons for why I should I be/was murdered in my sleep!
I so enjoy your blog, thank you for your humour!
It is amazing with the amount of time I spend on the Internet and all the tweeting and facebooking and you still manage to show these websites that make me go, “Were they created yesterday? How is it possible that I’ve never heard of them???!!!!” The illustrated Missed Connections is pure genius and creative delight.
what if the house burns down and the journal goes with it?
You want knitting lessons? I will give you knitting lessons, and booze to go along with them (knitting without booze is just… well, you don’t knit without booze)! It will cost you the price of coming to Cambridge, Mass, or bringing me to Texas.
I also make kick-ass cookies. Just so’s you know.
So when do we start?
You have a journal? One day I’m sure it’ll be in the Smithsonian for future generations to learn from.
aaack….well…hopefully that won’t be the final scene in the Bloggess movie :0
Oh, and it DOES say “get CRACKING” on the gaggle of chicks “how it works page,” so I’m thinking crack really might be in the future.
I think at this point Victor is just hoping for some medication of his own. 😉
Yeah, but what if you’re not murdered in your sleep? What if an angry badger somehow manages to make its way through your window and chews through your windpipe? What if a tornado hits and picks up your dresser and drops it on your bed? I’m just saying, now your journal is a lier.
Wait, aren’t those crocheted?
Also, this paperblog thing? Do they pay you if they use your stuff? And isn’t weird that they have bios of all of their editors, but not the writers whose work they reprint? Or am I missing it somehow?
I’m not sure why I am asking these questions other than that I’m having a bad perimenopause weekend and just feel like a whiny pedant. Or something.
I am pretty sure that the last thing written in my journal is “I will let you know tomorrow.” There was always something great about to happen. Yes, I live with rose colored glasses on. You apparently live in a horror movie.
If you wanted to be a truly considerate writer you would write “And then we were murdered in our sleep BY xxxxxxx” This would save us some time in bringing someone to justice…hmmm, guess you might not know in advance who might murder you…maybe you could could just cycle through all the names of people you don’t like…heh.
Something’s wrong with me cause when I clicked over to the Gaggle of Chicks website and saw this picture http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=jt4awj&s=7 I was like, “Wow that kids has some really crazy arms!”
My guess is that the only reason GoC might regret letting you write their ad copy is because, as a result, their servers literally melted under the massive Bloggessing they took!
~EdT.
I think writing “and then we were murdered in our sleep” in your journal makes perfect sense. This one time, my friend held a contest in which we had to construct (in the medium of our choosing) our definition of “fuckling.” I took an old (unused) dildo and coated it with oil and cinnamon to look like it had been roasted, and placed it on a serving platter. I then surrounded it with potatoes and other random leftover vegetables from the fridge. My idea was to then photograph it and photoshop it onto a frozen dinner box–single ladies meal of choice, or something. But it was too dark to photograph in my apartment so I put it in the oven to keep it safe until morning. I’m not sure why I couldn’t have used the fridge, but either choice would have necessitated the following journal entry.
“If I’m dead and you’re looking around my apartment for clues about my life, the apparently roasted penis in the oven is not real and has never been attached to a man. Who would cut off a 10″ penis with a 3″ diameter? It’s for a contest. I hope I win.”
I did win.
So glad you included “The Red Underwear”…such a fabulous story!
And, regarding Gaggle of Chicks and their future sales plans — Never say never.
I don’t keep a journal and am, in fact, too ADD to ever do so BUT your last line reminds me of The Princess Bride where the Dread Pirate Roberts says EVERY NIGHT “Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning”. I enjoy your blog and I checked out the other blogs too!!!
K bye
My grandmother is dead.
But she was a whiney pain, so it’s okay.
It was my grandfather’s fault.
[Not a haiku]
You read Ally Brosh? Of course you read Ally Brosh! She is awesome with a capital FA. I read that entry about three days ago and it’s still making me laugh
So…we’re you actually murdered in your sleep or not? Cause now I’m just confused.
I would totally love to teach you how to knit, even though that shit is crocheted (as others who got here earlier have pointed out), so we can’t do that, but we can do other cool things, like penis cozies.
Also, that picture on your sex blog? You have a nice rack, but in that pic it’s stupendous! Real? Photoshopped? Implants? What else did you do in Belize?
I’m so glad you linked to Lori of In Pursuit of Martha Points! Not only was it an amazing tribute to a friend, but it also inspired me to go out and buy my first pair of red underwear. And of course it reminded me of your red dress post. So thanks!
You know, of course, the day you don’t write that in your journal, it will happen.
Now, in order to keep it from happening, you can never stop.
You brought this on yourself by putting that into the world.
I would have warned against it, but I didn’t know. Sigh.
Ha ha ha. You know, if anyone reads this blog they will think you are time after time inaccurately predicting your demise or entertaining yourself and probably writing for an audience ie) readers after you die.
Hmmm… all my journal entries end in some variation of “why is this happening to me?” So if I died, no one would know why, for even I apparently didn’t know why whatever was happening to me was. Did you follow that? Me either.
OH Jenny… Maybe you should change it up a little “And then we were murdered in our sleep….probably.”
Sounds more YOU. 🙂
LOL at the “Halloween Sale” picture…you just can’t make that stuff up.
I get why you need to write a just in case ending everynight. But does it have to be the same thing always? Talk about being considerate to your readers. When we read this, we’ll want a bit more variety, such as ‘and then the earth opened and swallowed us up’, or ‘that night we decided to run away to a desert island and never communicate with the world again’, or simply ‘Aaaarrgg’.
Guys used to ask me out much more back before I had gray in my beard. Actually, I didn’t even have a beard the last time a guy asked me out. He was nice. And really into me. Had a great singing voice. Thanks for that article. I love your sex column.
Guys used to ask me out much more back before I had gray in my beard. Actually, I didn’t even have a beard the last time a guy asked me out. He was nice. And really into me. Had a great singing voice. Thanks for that article. I love your sex column.
I need a cape too! And the answer to “where do I get super hero tights that look like they’re made from bumper car upholstery?”
“I Made Food! I am Magical!” has been cracking me and my friends up for days now. We’ve been alternating between yelling that and obsessively watching this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvxCv_yrcCY
Allie Brosh is a marvel. People should be required to read her blog at work.
Yours, too, Jenny.
I’m pretty sure your article and the cannibalism were the highpoint of that magazine.
The last line of Preston Sturges’ autobiography is something along the lines of: I’m going to lie down for a nap and hope that pastrami sandwich doesn’t kill me.” Yup, you guessed it, he never woke up.
“…murdered in our sleep.” Is a missed opportunity to get somebody back who deserves it. Let’s say the guy down the block (let’s call him Burt, for no reason at all) lets his dog crap in your flowerbed, even after you ask him to stop that shizzel. If your last line read “…murdered in our sleep by Burt -and his dog.” then you’ve won baby! You’re not even on the field anymore and you still score last!
Trust me Jenny you need this……..
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=280592900610
“And then we were murdered in our sleep”…. A little macabre there, Jenny, don’t ya think? LOL
But I guess as a writer, you kind of have to be dramatic and think about future events, eh?
But if the zombies show up and you don’t have that zombie killing table, I guess you would need that line in your journal for historical record, right?
great. Now I’m going to be afraid of zombies killing me in my sleep because I don’t have the zombie killing table. Thanks again, Jenny. 😛
Nice Post.