Does Boone’s Fine Apple Wine count as produce? I say yes.

So this weekend I was in the liquor store buying produce and I noticed that on the top of the tequila isle there were these giant bottles of tequila shaped exactly like life-sized rifles.

Well, hello there.

And I was all “OMG, I MUST HAVE ONE” and Victor was like “Um…no.  I’m not buying you a rifle full of tequila” and I was all “But it’s BAD-ASS.  And the rim of the bottle is the end of the gun barrel so when I drink it straight from the bottle it’ll look like I’m putting a rifle in my mouth.  It’s awesome for parties” and Victor was all “Okay, first of all?  No. And secondly, you don’t even drink straight tequila” and I was like “Well, I wouldn’t actually drink it.  I’d just walk around with it.  I’d be like a symbolic art installation showing the dangers of putting booze in guns” and he was like “You want to buy a rifle-full of tequila that you’re not even going to use?” and then I was all “Well, now you’re just making me sound wasteful” and then the clerk came over and he was all “Honestly, no one ever actually buys the tequila rifles.  They’re $150″ and I was like “YOU CAN JUST STAY OUT OF THIS, SIR” and then Victor was all “The fuck? We’re not paying $150 so you can not put a gun full of tequila in your mouth” and then I was all “Well, if you pay cash it’s only $125.  So it’s like we’re saving money here”.  And then Victor said that we probably shouldn’t even be shopping in the kind of liquor store that gives you a discount for paying cash and then I may have blamed him for the recession and then he was all “And this is why I don’t take you to liquor stores” and I was all “Don’t get all pissy with me just because you don’t understand how performance art works” and then I was like  “You know what?  Fine. Just pay for the produce” and the clerk just looked at me weird and Victor was all “It’s best to just to agree with her” and the guy nodded and I was all “DON’T HUMOR ME.  Apple wine is made of apples.  And tequila is made from cactus.  So technically tequila is a vegetable.  If you mix them together it’s like a grown-up V-8.  THIS IS ALL BASIC SCIENCE” and they both just stared at me and no one bought me a tequila gun.

The whole day was like a goddam tragedy.

145 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Maybe you should shoot a bottle of apple wine off of Victor’s head with your (soon-to-be-purchased) tequila gun. If you miss.. he just gets a tequila shot. Brilliant.

    Like

    kaela recently posted Last Minute Thanksgiving.

  2. Boones Farm is the shit.

    Like

  3. So basically you are justifying this purchase by saying that it constitutes one of your ‘five a day’?

    Hmmm… moot point there methinks.

    LCM x

    Like

  4. Well, my view is that alcohol kills germs, and so is medicine and should be covered in your flexible spending account plan. My booze should be purchased with tax free dollars. But, I’ll go with the vegetable idea too.

    Like

    a recently posted Tagged.

  5. oh my god, THINK OF THE MOVIES YOU COULD MAKE WITH THAT THING.

    Like

    Bridget recently posted For now we see through a glass- darkly but then face to face toe to toe- shoulders squared.

  6. Talk to me when there’s a Tequila Howitzer.

    Like

  7. Man. If I had a nickel for every time I had this exact same conversation…

    Like

    moooooog35 recently posted John Wayne Gacy Gets a Vanity Plate!.

  8. Fuuuuuuuuuu…… Can’t believe you didn’t buy the Tequila rifle.

    Like

  9. We have one. Its empty now. We let our godson play with it. Its pretty bad assed. You need to go back and buy it… Like now

    Like

  10. That tequila gun would be totally gangsta! I can’t believe no one bought you that gun. What a friggin’ tragedy.

    Like

  11. I love Spec’s!!! But even more than that, I LOVE that I can now explain to the hubby that it is a V-8 I am indulging in at 9am…No drinking problems here, thankyouverymuch.

    Like

  12. I think Victor is just trying to play it off so that you’ll be surprised when you finally get it as a stocking stuffer! He thinks he’s SO sneaky . . . 😉

    Like

    Amo Shenanigans recently posted Back In Your Head.

  13. {charmed} and i was all, THAT is funny! 🙂

    Like

  14. I love that the tequila gun has its own tequila gun rack. I don’t drink straight tequila either, but you could get a gun-powder barrel filled with margarita mix and have yourself a party.

    Like

  15. We totally own a glass like that. But ours was $10 from FYE and didn’t come with the booze in it, and we bought it because my Sweetie was like “We have to have that, it’s so obscene”, and I was like “it’s a beer mug shaped like a rifle” and she was like “Duh.” And when we brought it to the register, the cashier had to take it and show it to every other employee she could find because apparently she didn’t even know they sold them, and then the cashier next to her was like “it’s better than the pin-up model doll whose ass is a bottle opener”

    And the conversation was over.

    Like

  16. Maybe you wouldn’t drink the tequila BUT you could use the tequila rifle to hold up other liquor stores for both booze and money. See, it’s totally worth $125, you could make it back in a day. And if you got into a gun fight with the cops you just drink yours and feel no pain!

    Like

    Tonya recently posted It’s All In The Searching.

  17. Oh, hell yes. I NEED (as in, it’s a requirement, not a desire) a tequila gun too.

    And, yeah….totally counts as a vegetable. Don’t forget it counts as water too. Eight big-ass glasses a day? No prob!

    Like

    confessor69 recently posted Out of the Mouth of M- Installment 6.

  18. I know, I know, it’s not the same, but it might be hilarious to do just to see the look on your husband’s face…you can buy a squirt gun and fill it with the drink of choice, cosmo, martini, hell even straight tequila. Sure, there’s a wee bit o’ plastic aftertaste, but it only adds to the overall experience. Add that to the fact that everything’s on sale – I mean we’re practically idiots if we’re not out there shopping – so I’m sure you can get a pretty impressive water, er, um, liquor gun for just a few dollars. If the gun doesn’t impress him, the savings will!

    How dare they let a little common sense get in the way of art. Hum!

    Like

  19. Well, 1st off victor is wrong! A gun filled with liquor is what everyone needs! And 2nd they make smaller hand guns filled with liquor and there cheaper. ( i know this because i bought two of them and looked like a total badass drinking from guns of liquor) and everyone knows they sell liquor cheaper for cash cause they can and who doesnt like a deal!

    Like

  20. You’ll shoot your eye out.

    Like

    Karen W recently posted I had a wonderful- relaxing- LAZY weekend.

  21. Thank god there are people like you to read on yucky Monday mornings! What’s $150 for performance art? I think Victor is failing to see the bigger picture and how much money he is saving. When was the last time you got anything close to “art” for that cheap?

    Oh, and you liquor store gives a discount for cash? Seriously?!?

    Like

    Helen recently posted The Great Escape Double Heart Attacks.

  22. No one buys it? Do you have any college kids in your town?

    That has awful, drunken frat party where someone tries to ride someone else like a horse, written all over it.

    Like

    J recently posted Not Unless Hes a Stripper Just Dressed Like A Priest.

  23. perhaps he is planning on getting it for a gift, and was upset that you SAW IT in advance…

    I want one too.

    Like

    Kristina @ spabettie recently posted we are officially festive !!.

  24. If you don’t drink tequila, you should get the Kalashnikov vodka in the machine gun shaped vodka bottle. They have them at our local imported-food store, and I’m not allowed to have one, due to drunken clumsiness. But if I said I was buying one for a friend, maybe I could convince the significant other that you really needed a matched set, and then I could accidentally only send you one, and we could be vodka-gun buddies! Here’s a link to their web site:
    https://www.kalashnikov-vodka.com/html/the_vodka.html

    Like

  25. I can pair this gun with the tequila cockbottles I found.

    Three great tastes that taste great together. Tequila, rifles and cocks.

    What the fuck tequila?

    Like

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted The Thanks I Get- HER Journey.

  26. I am not sure about the tequila in a rifle shaped bottle. I watch the Michael Moore Bowling for Columbine movie over the weekend, and it was disturbing, so I am with Victor on this. No. No. No.

    Like

  27. Let me guess, the NRA is a new sponsor on your site? 😉

    Like

    cagey recently posted Us and Them.

  28. I propose we start a fund raiser to buy the Tequila Rifle for the Bloggess.

    Like

    sara davis recently posted Glen Beck- When honor and attention mean the same thing….

  29. I was in the wine section of the grocery store yesterday and came across the most delicious-looking BLUEBERRY wine. Decadent, I tell you. And most definitely qualifies as produce (in the same way as Chocolate does, you know)

    Like

    kelly @kellynaturally recently posted The Santa Dilemma.

  30. Wow.
    Just found this blog. This is totally NOTHING like your blog, right?

    http://www.lifeinthepitts.com/2010/11/all-this-awesomeness-in-one-place-that.html

    Like

  31. I think sometimes husbands don’t fully understand an opportunity to own such a treasure! Sometimes in life we have to be less practical! Imagine how boring life would be if we only stuck with the basics… I empathize…

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    Jennifer recently posted Evil Freakish Snowman.

  32. Fun fact!

    Tequila isn’t made from cactus, it’s made from a plant called the Blue Agave.
    The Blue Agave, while a succulent like cacti, is actually a closer relative of Aloe Vera than any cactus.

    Well, I think it’s a fun fact. Weeeeee! Science!

    Like

  33. Shame on Victor! He denied you a bona-fide spritual experience.

    Like

    kyknoord recently posted Categorical.

  34. You had me at Apple Wine… which, technically, was all the way at the end of your post. But Apple Wine?

    Note to self… must try Apple Wine.

    Like

    Hamlet's Mistress recently posted What to do with a convicted felon….

  35. my family is from alabama. I have seen liquids loaded into actual firearms. I was both pissed off and excited when I saw them try it on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

    tequila rifle = bless it

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    Miranda recently posted This is totes badass- RIGHT.

  36. I would really be thrilled to see your Christmas wish list.

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    Jumble Mash recently posted Birthday Surprises! Part 1.

  37. Please tell me you’ve seen the Kitten Mittons episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia where they try and invent a gun that shoots a shot of liquor into your mouth? If not, go find it!

    Like

  38. damn pennsylvania and its liquor laws are preventing me from having my own tequila shotgun. it is going to cost me a lot more than $150 to secure one of these bad boys…

    Like

    hello haha narf recently posted 39 Today.

  39. Would a tequila rifle make a shotgun wedding more or less hillbilly? I think I just heard something in my brain snap!

    Like

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted MadamBob’s Blue Ball Birthday.

  40. Where is Victor’s holiday spirit? If a gun-shaped tequila bottle doesn’t SCREAM Happy Holidays, I don’t know what does.

    Like

    Gretchen recently posted Laundry vs Booze.

  41. @kaela – Fucking brilliant.

    @Bloggess – Maybe he didn’t get you one, because Santa’s going to leave one under your tree. ‘Tis the season not to buy anything for yourself. ‘Tis the most frustrating season of the year.

    Like

  42. Completely lame that Victor wouldn’t get you the rifle. Maybe you can convince him to get you this .45 version: http://www.beveragewarehouse.com/search/more_info.php?item_id=5369. Work him up slowly to the rifle.

    Like

  43. I want you to have that Tequila gun. Since no one ever buys the Tequila Guns, we can assume it is still there waiting for you, just like that cute teddybear in the book “Corduroy” waiting for the little girl to whine long enough so that her mother breaks down and says, “ok, I’ll buy you the damn bear just shut the hell up”. er….or something like that. Anyway. So the gun is still there, you just need a different plan for it than performance art, which Victor obviously does not understand. You need a plan that is useful, sustainable and makes Victor feel good about the purchase. For instance, you could make a tequila fountain in your front yard with just a simple motor and and some pvc piping. On non-party days you have a beautiful fountain adding to your property value and on party days, you’ve got the beverage dept. covered. How could Victor possibly argue with that. Does the NRA headquarters have a tequila rifle fountain out front? NO. Does Victor? Damn straight.

    Like

    chickens consigliere recently posted Things That I Will Tweet in the Middle of the Night if Santa Brings Me a Smarter Phone Which- For Everyones Sake- Lets Hope He Does Not.

  44. I adore the bloggy ground you blog on. I’m gonna get me a light saber full of, hmmm, light beer. Or near beer.

    Like

    Nicole (Ninja Mom) recently posted Wheres the Martha Stewart Guide for the Cooking Impaired.

  45. The things liquor stores sell always amaze me. Tequila gun? Alcoholic chocolate whip cream that the liquor store ladies tried to give us as a wedding present? AMAZING.

    Also, you forgot vodka…it’s made from potatoes. Unless you’re Diddy and you make it from grapes, so I guess it’s more like vodka-flavored wine? Celebrities.

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    Marissa recently posted This is why we cant have kids- Cleanliness isnt a SUGGESTION- Jeffree!.

  46. Show me a gin-filled missile launcher and we’ll talk.

    Like

  47. I don’t know shit about what is worth a shit ton of money in the future, but a tequila-filled rifle seems to me like the type of item that would be worth a shit ton of money in the future if kept in mint condition (which may be difficult to do.) I think it would have been a good investment, but then again, I don’t know shit.

    Like

    Rico Swaff recently posted The Status of “The Chronicles of Rico” Now that My Daughter Has Been Born.

  48. Thank you for helping me with my Christmas list. So, it only has one thing on it, but that’s okay. I want it Real Bad.

    With my luck, I won’t get a shotgun, or tequila, and Christmas will be ruined. Like always.

    Like

    Barbara recently posted Thank You For Keeping Us Free.

  49. ALL alcoholic beverages are made from some kind of fruit and/or vegetable. And the process of turning that produce into alcoholic beverages is a NATURAL process. So, it’s all got to be good for you! Fruits, veggies, natural – what’s not to like?

    Alcoholic beverages and firearms? Usually not a very good combo but alcoholic beverages IN firearms? Awesome! Victor’s probably just jealous that he didn’t think of it first.

    You ever wonder who the first human was to actually try to make beer? Why? (“Hey! Let’s mix this old grain up with some fungus and some funky green shit and let it go bad! Wouldn’t that be cool?”) And then drink it? Probably the same guy who was the first one to eat an egg.

    Like

    Jami recently posted Not yet.

  50. Some more terrible band/beef jerky flavor names…

    Sore Lady Parts
    Seth Rogen’s Tits
    That’s Infected
    Licking a Cat The Wrong Way
    Call Me Francis

    Like

    furiousBallerina recently posted An angel is needed- or at least a new box of wine.

  51. @furiousballerina

    Seth Rogen’s Tits Are Infected

    Like

  52. I don’t even like tequila and I want a tequila gun.

    I’d bring it everywhere with me.

    Like

    Sarah Elizabeth recently posted Of Tentacle Rape- Nipples- and Hat-Butts.

  53. Now I want a water gun filled with schnapps. Great.

    Like

  54. I’m afriad I’d break the glass while wielding it around. Something with wheels, like a CANNON, would be more my pace.

    Like

  55. Brings a whole new meaning to tequila shots.

    Like

  56. To all Jenny’s new readers: Jenny lives in Texas.

    Bet y’all would never have guessed.

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    Mr Farty recently posted X Factor Drops Singing From Show.

  57. One of our friends gave my husband a tequila pistol for Christmas last year. Clearly, we chose our friends well.

    Like

  58. 58
    Apryl'sAntics

    Man. You could have been like Tequila Annie Oakley and shot a bottle of Apple wine off of someone’s head. Mixed reference, though. I think that was William Tell and it was a bow and arrow or something. But, there is Daniel Boone (who I totally did not know made apple wine) and he’s kind of like Johnny Appleseed because they both wore weird hats (and loved apples) and one of them had some dealings with Native Americans (or was that Davey Crockett?) who used bows and arrows. So, really it’s all relative.

    Like

    Apryl'sAntics recently posted Watching Tom Cruise Have Sex With Your Dad is Awkward and so is this title.

  59. Tequila comes from a cactus? What the what? How have I gone my entire adult life without knowing that? WTF, me?

    Like

    Penelope recently posted Day Trip to NYC - Part 1 .

  60. 60
    Apryl'sAntics

    I swear I did not read Kaela’s comment. Pfffft. Oh well. We must be brilliant. Or I’m psychic. And, I almost never not read the first comment.

    Like

    Apryl'sAntics recently posted Watching Tom Cruise Have Sex With Your Dad is Awkward and so is this title.

  61. They have smaller versions in my liquor stores. I will gladly buy some and send it to you. BUT! you have to invite me to all your parties so I can see all your performance art with the “loaded” gun. Oh please please!

    I promise I am neither psychotic or a murderous zombie or any kind.

    Like

  62. wow, that’s all I got, just wow.

    Like

    lisa recently posted KT Tunstall Concert Review.

  63. My sister owns a beer guitar. She got it in Las Vegas. We only use it on special occasions. She is quite a lady.

    Like

  64. Got myself a Rum Filled Pistol. I thought they were cool, but now that I know that rum is made from natural sugar cane and not high fructose syrup and thus is actually a part of a healthy diet I am totally getting another for the matching set.

    Like

  65. When they outlaw tequila guns… only drunk bloggers will have tequila.

    …or someting like that.

    Like

    ramy_v recently posted Spreading the Word….

  66. I found you a handgun.

    Or I found me a handgun. Up for a duel? That would turn this into performance art and improv which is probably doubly aesthetically pleasing.

    Like

  67. I tried to suppress it, but I def just COL-d (cackled out loud). It did sound a bit strangled though, on account of trying to hold it in. I feel like a tequila riffle would really usher in the 2011 with a bang (pun fully intended).

    Like

  68. Do you actually read all these comments? or is this writing to myself? So, here’s what i wanted to say. I loved how you justified the math on that gun. You needed it and i felt you had a compelling argument right down to the monetary savings. The other day the clicker on my car stopped working. I told my husband i needed a new car. It turned out the clicker was unhooked so i smashed it and fixed it. Now the clicker works. I just told my husband i saved us $50,000 and i should get whatever i wanted since we no longer needed a new car. Same situation as your tequila rationale. I know i’m rambling…it’s what i do. I have to say…you’re one of the few people i actually think are funny out there. WOuld it be TOO MUCH TO ASK for you to OCCASIONALLY RETWEET my shit? Just asking. Bye, Lynn MacDOnald

    Like

    Lynn MacDonald recently posted In which we confer with Daniel.

  69. Dude, if you had a donations button on your website I would totally send you the money for this essential purchase. It’s not often that I would get the chance to help both the arts and the economy in one swift transaction. Victor is not seeing the big picture. My sympathies go out to you.

    Like

  70. I don’t drink Tequila either but I would buy the shit out of that bottle-gun. Last time I was in Vegas I paid $50 for a plastic toy guitar that was filled with 100 oz. of Rum and Coke. That Tequila Gun? 1000x times cooler. Purchasing it will make the owner cooler. People visit your blog because you’re cool. So, if you do the math you probably actually LOST money by not buying it. For shame, Victor.

    Like

  71. We need to start a fundraising movement: Buy her the gun!!!! It is for art. For the children. Think of the children!

    If everybody that leaves comments on your blog just give you a dollar, I bet you can get enough to buy that gun full of vegetables before Department of Health calls to command your tireless efforts in educating people about food groups and balanced diets.

    I will PayPay you a dollar right now!

    Like

    subWOW recently posted Envy.

  72. So, a friend sent me a link to your blog, and then I read this post, and I thought, “Holy shit, this is the kind of stuff I think about but forget before I ever have time to sit down and write about because I have a toddler and she made my brains fall out.”

    What was I saying?

    Oh yes. This is awesome. Now I no longer I have to worry about saying anything hilarious, I’ll just direct people here and say it’s basically the same thing as talking to me.

    Like

  73. just fill a paint gun with some bottom shelf tequila. it works just the same.

    Like

    Simone recently posted No issues.

  74. PLEASE just come visit me.

    Like

  75. That. Is. AWESOME!

    Like

    MonsteRawr recently posted The Great Pantie Debate.

  76. And everyone knows Boone’s Farm is better with Tequila in it. True story.

    Like

  77. Does that mean that Bloody Mary’s count as veggies? Because if this is true, I am so totally going there…

    ~EdT.

    Like

    EdT. recently posted Hell’s Kitchen- Backin’ That Train Wreck Up.

  78. I’m going to every liquor store I can find until I find one of those. Must. Have. Tequila. Gun.

    Like

    Alexis recently posted The Fear.

  79. Don’t you get it, Jenny? Victor already bought it for you for xmas. Remember to act surprised when you unwrap it.

    Like

    Fred Miller recently posted How I Got Crippled.

  80. You are officially my favorite blogger ever. I’ve never been able to successfully make that argument despite my many efforts.

    Apple wine is absolutely considered produce. Duh.

    Like

  81. Are those gigantic tequila bullets next to it?

    Like

    Wombat Central recently posted On Pins and Needles.

  82. Honestly, I worship you and your hysterical self. Bottoms up.

    Like

    denise recently posted Where Im From.

  83. I love your logic to Tequila and Apple wine being produce, now I can safely drink it any time of day whilst ignoring my actual veggies because as you pointed out….Apple wine is made with apples and Tequila comes from a cactus so I’m ingesting (is that the right word?) my veggies all day long, not alcohol. ….Wait…there’s an apple wine out there?!

    Like

    Rebekah Mae recently posted Fuck that last statement.

  84. Weaponising alcohol might leed to an armes race between several countries. This could be fun.

    Like

  85. I should really look at what I am typing before I hit the submit button.

    Like

  86. I effing love you. That just made my whole day worthwhile.

    Like

    Deana recently posted Finding My Way - Day One.

  87. My boyfriend with a vodka gun,

    Came with poker set and shot glasses at Binnys. I believe there was a Chicago gangster theme to it.

    Like

  88. Well, Tequila Guns give Tequila SHOTS a whole different meaning now, now don’t they?

    Like

  89. Sitting here, alone, thinking “WHO CAN I SHOW THIS TO?!?” and realizing I have no one to tell, no tequila, no gun. Just me and a stuffed squirrel and three flavors of Jelly Bellies I don’t like. Fuck.

    Like

    Julie the Wife recently posted I Dont Want To- Either.

  90. this Berkeley-dwelling pro-gun-control bleeding heart liberal now wants a tequila rifle so badly it hurts.

    Like

  91. If you drink enough alchohol, everything in your GI tract will evacuate itself. If you eat enough fruit, everything in your GI tract will evacuate itself. Coincidence? I think not!

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Family Game Night.

  92. Vodka is from potatoes. Just sayin’.

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    Kate recently posted The power of words.

  93. Please talk Victor into buying you the tequila gun and please post pictures.

    Like

    @lena_fm recently posted Courage that gushes from paradise.

  94. Certainly puts a whole new spin on “doing shots”.
    You could be like, “Hey, wanna do shots?” and then your friend would be like, “yeah”, and then you pull out a tequila rifle.
    Now that’s a party.

    Like

    Mrs. P recently posted Ive found the perfect ice-breaker.

  95. I just found someone who is selling the tequila gun for £69.95 – I did the conversion and it’s only $95.46. The only catch? The shipping would be expensive, so you’ll have to pick it up, which means you get a trip to England, AND you save over 50 bucks. A total win.

    http://wine-reviews.co.uk/wine/hijos-de-villa-tequila-reposado-rifle-15-litre-bottle

    Like

    Great Fruitcake recently posted The Superions Fruitcake.

  96. You are precious.
    And seriously, I’m going to start looking all over for a liquor gun for my husband for Christmas.

    Like

  97. I’m still trying to figure out how you made the transition from buying produce to ending up in the tequila-gun isle.

    Like

    Lookie Lou, TPPC.tv Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted Cat and Gator-People are crazy.

  98. You’ll shoot your eye out.

    Like

  99. in texas they love guns
    in texas they love liquor
    when texans mix the two
    they meet Jesus quicker

    Like

    If I were God recently posted Tips for Life from fetus to five.

  100. Taking “to-kill-ya” to a whole new level.

    Like

  101. Tequila Gun would be a great band name..

    Like

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Death Awaits You All With Nasty- Big- Pointy Teeth.

  102. 103
    Pam up north

    Ahhhhh, Texas! Up here we have Tequila contained the way God intended-in five gallon jugs with multiple spigots.

    Like

  103. Tequila guns and Pez with Jesus’s head on! – this is the kind of shit that makes America great! Sadly I’m British, which is pants, we only think we are great, when actually pretty much everything is bollocks and it rains a lot of the time.

    Like

    TheDHW recently posted Unforseen Day Off &amp Fashion Ideas.

  104. What the hell, tequila gun is always necessary. Think about it, would you mess with someone with a tequila gun in their house? No, because the owners are clearly bad-asses. Tell Victor it’s a security measurement.

    Like

  105. My dad got a glass pistol full of tequila for Christmas last year. Which is not as bad ass, but it probably costs less, and it’s smaller size makes it easier to carry, for tequila shots on the go. Or whatever.

    Like

    dee recently posted Some Favorites from Flickr.

  106. That is the biggest tequila shooter that I’ve ever seen. My guess is that you’d just need 1.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Okay- okay- just a quick peek.

  107. produce. bahahaha.

    Like

    birdie recently posted My mama said thered be days like this.

  108. I was at a party this weekend where they had a tequila rifle! People were doing shots, but not me, I don’t do tequila shots anymore and DEFINTELY not ones from a rifle! Suffice to say, I left before the rest of the rifle-shooters went to a titty bar and started fighting till 4am. Point for me! I’m in Houston, too, btw 😛

    Like

  109. I bought you one!! The only problem is that I was in Amsterdam at the time. See, it got a little awkward going through customs. I wrapped it for you and it looked exactly like a rifle. So, after they let me up off the ground and strip search was complete the interrogation began. By the way, if you’ve never had a strip search in Amsterdam with polka music playing over the PA system….don’t. I had no idea how many searchable cavities I had and would probably never hide anything in any of them. Mostly. Probably.
    And, I noticed that apparently the Dutch really enjoy a strip search and they have creepy Nosferatu fingers. And some point it became less about the alleged rifle and more about creepy Dutch strip searches with polka music. Which validated everything I learned about creepy Dutch things on the internet. ‘Cause I like to get all my info off the internet from unreliable sources.

    Anyway, they asked me what was in the bottle and I told them but they didn’t believe me so they opened it and started “testing” it and asking me all kinds of terrorist questions. Before it was all over we were all dancing to polka music and my butt hurt. However; I did get them to understand that terrorists are terrorists because they don’t have air conditioning. Faced with sitting outside in 125 degree heat and living in squalor or strapping a bomb to your ass and going in an air conditioned hotel lobby, well…the bomb scenario starts to look pretty good.

    So, the good news is I talked the Dutch into supplying air conditioning to the entire Middle East, which will only lead to world peace (you’re welcome), AND I bought you a tequila rifle!
    The bad news is, the rifle is empty and my orifices have been Dutched.
    But for a good cause. Mostly. Probably.

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    Brian recently posted What the poop.

  110. Please, please tell me you were at the Midtown Spec’s so I can go there IMMEDIATELY and buy one of these babies for the best Thanksgiving centerpiece ever.

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  111. Oh Bloggess, how I love you. You know how to spell “y’all” properly. I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me.

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  112. I always eyeball the tequila machetes at Costco…never mind I don’t drink that much tequila and it probably tastes awful BUT I WANT IT!!

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  113. damn inconsiderate non tequila gun purchasing people are why the economy tanked and I lost my job. And then since I lost my job I can’t afford to buy a tequila gun but mark my word one day I shall.

    perhaps after my first successful play production I’ll buy a tequila gun instead of the platinum grill for my mouf.
    damn decisions decisions….

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    clevelandpoet recently posted Sleeping with my wife- Crouching Tiger.

  114. Why the hell wouldn’t you want a gun full of tequila? If anything, the store owner should have throw in a sombrero and pack mule to carry that shit home for you because what the hell is HE going to do with a gun full of tequila that will continue to sit there because husbands just DON’T. GET. IT.

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  115. Now you know that damn tequila gun will be in your thoughts day & night until the next thing you know your sitting on santa’s lap wishing for it……….

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  116. That seems like something my Daddy and Step mom would buy to use as decor in their living room. Hell they have an unopened bottle of gold patron.

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  117. My first real visit. I bow to you pathetically. I would give my left tit to be able to write like you. Fuck…now I feel all bad about myself…

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  118. I TOTALLY have a glass mahine gun(ish…not sure what the EXACT type of gun it is!) filled with Russian vodka! It even has shot glosses shaped like shell casings and a glass grenade filled with whiskey! All packaged neatly in a wooden ammo box! HELLS YEAH! It was a going away present when we left Germany. I don’t have the heart to open it so it sits there in it’s box gathering dust. We break it out at parties and every one is all ” AWESOME!!!! GLASS GUN FULL OF VODKA! LET’S OPEN IT UP AND IT WILL LOOK LIKE WE ARE GETTING READY TO SHOOT OURSELVES IN THE FACE! ” and I’m all” Ummm…NO! STAY AWAY FROM MY GLASS GUN!” So I am TOTALLY on your side with this. Get the glass rifle.

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    Jen recently posted Resistance is futile.

  119. I bow to you pathetically. This is my first read here and I now feel HORRIBLE about my writing/blogging abilities. Goddamnit.

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  120. Ahhh crap. Now I posted twice because I thought my iPhone fucked up again…gesh…

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  121. since when do you need Victor’s permission to buy the tequila gun? just sayin…….
    http://hibernationnow.wordpress.com

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    Laurie recently posted Discover who likes your posts.

  122. Tequila is a vegetable…for grown-ups. I am so using that line.

    Victor, I’m sorry, but your argument does not hold water. Just buy Jenny the damn gun, will ya? She can’t shoot anybody with it. I mean what damage could she possibly do with it? It’s just tequila, for God’s sakes!

    Maybe we should take up a collection to buy you the gun? I mean it’s obvious that Victor isn’t going to get it for you and does not see the merit in a live performance art piece for educational purposes. GEEZ!

    By the way, I prefer Patron Silver tequila. And if I found a gun filled with it, you better believe I would find a way to buy that shit. It would be the classiest redneck Christmas gift EVER.

    And if Patron ever reads this, please sponsor my blog. I’m serious. I love you guys. I mean I love your tequila. 😀

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    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted Funny Spam Comments.

  123. Holy shit! I want a tequila gun!

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    Teigan recently posted Disability and Exercise.

  124. I was totally throwing myself a pity party this morning because I loathe sending my daughter up to NC to visit my ex husband for holidays & I couldn’t get off work to take her to the airport. I’ve been anxious & sick to my stomach all morning & this just cracked me up!! Made me feel a tiny bit better. Thnaks!! :0) Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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  125. The liquor store across the street from my office has a glass tommy gun filled with tequila. I tried to buy it for you, but they said it was just for display. However, they supposed to get a shipment of tequila-filled glass pistols any day now. Personally, I want a glass leprechaun riding a glass unicorn filled with whiskey, but I may have to settle for a glass skull filled with vodka. Or maybe another box of wine.

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    Evn recently posted Quote o the Moment - Testify.

  126. Where does that put beer?

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  127. Produce in a liquor store ?

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  128. This sounds like a conversation my husband and I would have. He wouldn’t buy me a tequila rifle either. Damn men and their refusal to understand performance art. 🙂

    Like

    Ali recently posted TAPS should probably hire me.

  129. Greatest excuse to drink ever.

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    Anna recently posted I may be going crazy.

  130. I’m sure someone has already made the “tequila shot” joke so I shall refrain.

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    kmkat recently posted WIP Wednesday.

  131. presuming the tequila gun is not functional, I think a better, more economical outcome, would be achieved with a conventional tequila bottle and a super soaker. Could be good for an ‘E! Wild On’ style party or just really post modern at a six course formal dinner party. Win Win!!

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    SP Nilo recently posted Crack Food.

  132. I think that Victor is totally going to go back & buy that Bad Boy for Christmas for you! He knows of you Autstic, I mean Artistic tendencies & wants to give you what you want! Or he doesn’t, in which case you can put his hand in a warm dish of water while he’s sleeping & he will pee the bed. Either way it works…

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    yknot recently posted .

  133. Beer is liquid bread and vodka is clear mashed potatoes. #Fact

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    Naturally Alise recently posted All Drinks EVERTHING!.

  134. it would be a waste to have a tequila gun you don’t drink tequila out of. but i loved this post! it definitely didn’t fall into something you shouldnt have blogged about label it was given.

    Like

  135. Never mind. I just think you should get some hollow chocolate Santas and bite /make holes in them, then fill them with alcohol and serve them as dessert at a no guns allowed party…

    I don’t know where that came from.

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  136. OMG…my uncle just got one of these bottles for his birthday…true story! Yes we’re mexican.

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  137. Funniest story ever. So glad I found your blog (via DesignforMankind).

    Like

  138. I want a tequila gun now.

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  139. So I just searched for tequila gun in google. Congratulations! You’re link came up second.

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  140. […] doesn’t adore Jenny Lawson? She’s wacky and deep and I await with bated breath for each of her posts. She also responds to emails, follows […]

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  141. I read this over and over again because it seems like maybe a little, you might be writing about my marriage (you really should stop peering in my windows and listening to our conversations)

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    Jessica recently posted It’s No Secret That I People-Watch.

  142. oh dear GOD I want one of those!! I wonder if they make M16 or M9s of those… I’m in the desert with no freaking alcohol— But MAYBE I can convince them that it’s a real weapon and that I’m ALLOWED to carry it around… or perhaps use the whole produce line. .. and say it’s for my health.

    YOU are a freaking GENIUS. I only wish i could be HALF as cool as you.

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  143. Umm can we talk for just a goddamned minute about the bullet shaped bottles beside it?!?!

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