This year we couldn’t take a real family vacation so we’re taking Hailey to see her cousins and Disney Land for a few days so I’ll be vaguely MIA starting tomorrow because every time I pull out my phone to get on the internet Victor will huff at me accusingly and so I’ll have to duck into the bathroom a lot to approve comments surreptitiously and then Victor will yell at me for drinking too much and I’ll be all “WELL MAYBE I HAVE A BLADDER INFECTION, ASSHOLE” and then he’ll insist that we go to the Disney emergency room to check it out because he won’t believe me and we’ll miss all the parades because I’m too busy peeing in a specimen cup all because my husband doesn’t understand the importance of social media.
Secondly, a ton of people have asked if I’m making James Garfield Christmas cards again this year and the short answer is “sort of?”
A short summary for those of you who are new here this year: Last year I became obsessed with the head of a badly deteriorated, taxidermied Wild Boar which Victor refused to buy for me. I named him James Garfield. Then James Garfield was threatened with dismemberment in a horrific emotional ransom attempt and I may have freaked out a little and then Victor grudgingly rescued him like some kinda goddamn American hero. Then I sold James Garfield-esque Christmas cards to make back the money we spent on him so Victor that would stop glaring at me every time he looked at James Garfield and then so many people bought them that James Garfield made more than I did that month than I did, although he did inadvertently cause an international financial crisis which made a several Canadians seriously inappropriately furious. Quite a few of you have asked if you can buy James Garfield Christmas cards this year but I suck and I’m crazy behind on everything so I’m farming it out. But if you want to send Christmas cards to your family with photos of the happiest fucking dead boar in the world I totally have your back. You can order your Christmas cards by clicking here.
A few examples:
I also made a non-James Garfield blank holiday card which you can use to warn your coworkers and family that you’re not putting up with their crazy bullshit this year. It’s my personal Christmas card but I thought I’d share because I’m generous that way. You. Are. Welcome.
Special note to burglars: I’ll be back Sunday but my house will be protected by my heavily-armed, entertainingly-unstable Bohemian father who pulls entrails out of dead things for a living. This is what we have instead of an alarm.
Comment of the day: This makes me want to send out Christmas cards. No, wait. This makes me want to buy something dead and decorate it for the holidays. I wonder how much Bea Arthur costs. ~ alonewithcats
Update: For some reason my zazzle store hates me and the Mullet Tov card keeps randomly disappearing. I blame anti-Semitic shoplifters. Anyway, if one of the ten products doesn’t show up in my store the individual links are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Get your shit together, Zazzle.