OMG. LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL.

in I am totally overrated, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

So, it comes as a surprise to no one that I broke down and bought myself the giant panda suit. Except Victor.  It was a surprise to him.  Not a pleasant one.  Probably because he was upset I didn’t buy one for him too.  Or maybe it was because he wasn’t expecting an enormous panda to leap out at him, snarling furiously in the middle of his morning conference call.

*rowr*

But this is the kind of thing you have to expect when you work from home.  Victor says having your wife run screaming into your office dressed as a giant panda at 9:00 in the morning is something no one should ever have expect and I pointed out that unexpected pandas are good practice for when you have a home invasion because if you aren’t rattled by spontaneous pandas then you’re probably going to be able to keep your cool during the zombie apocalypse.  If anything, this was like a safety drill.  One that he failed.  We’ve agreed to disagree on this.

I wanted to give you pictures but Victor has pushed a bookshelf in front of his door so I had to take all of these myself with my computer camera.  I call these “Blogging with Dignity: The Spontaneous Panda Series”.

I changed this one to black and white so I'd look more Panda-ish. Also so that you couldn't tell that I arrange my books by color like a mental patient.
This is me trying to remember how to spell "poignant".

What’s weird is that if you darken and crop this I look a *lot* like the Virgin Mary when she’s very disappointed in you. So logically speaking, when it’s not darkened and cropped I look like the Virgin Mary in a panda suit. So now you know what that looks like.

Kind of spooky, really.
In this one I was trying to look all hard and threatening and gangsta-ish, like Eminem in 8 Mile but it kinda just looks like I have a tummy ache from eating too many babies. Which is what I assume pandas eat.

I think the moral of this story is that everyone should own a panda suit because they’re awesome and very warm.  Victor says the moral is that he’s calling a locksmith to install a deadbolt on his office door.  I think maybe Victor doesn’t understand what a “moral” is.

PS.  I’m still really disappointed that the flying squirrel costume was sold out but my friend Jon made me this as a consolation prize:

What might have been.

And now I’m sad again.  Also, I can’t stop singing the panda song.

It’s probably good that I work from home.

250 thoughts on “OMG. LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. No one is more disappointed than I am about the fact that they didn’t have any more of those damn flying-squirrel costumes … because that fucker was MADE to be worn by you. 😉

    PS: I see a “Kung-Fu Panda 2” promotional tie-in headed your way. You and Jack Black should it off famously.

  6. tooooo funny! i wish you had a picture of Victor’s face when you jumped out at him.

  7. Oh my gawwwwwwwwwwwwwd. YOU LOOK SO FREAKING ADORABLE in the first picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, the 2nd picture? I just want to hug you.

  8. In order to be a more accurate panda you should bleat, not growl. Pandas sound like unenthusiastic goats. You’re welcome.

  11. this……is a sickness, Im sure of it. on a side note, I just had a wee bit of pee come out from laughing. time for a shower.

  12. I was going to leave a comment that was thought provoking and stuffs, but I am laughing too hard. So for now, I will just say, “I can’t spell poignent either “

  14. YOU ARE FRIGGEN HILARIOUS! ohmygod, i want to buy one and scare my husband. i am thinking the flying nun more so than the virgin mary. thanks for making me laugh this morning. and i LOVE LOVE LOVE the bookshelves with the color coordinated books.

  20. OK, that is just too awesome. And I think you should tell Victor that this is formal attire, like a penguin suit for guys. You’re just trying to give the place some class instead of just wearing sweats. As, I now note, I am.

  22. I snortled (snorted + chuckled… but not like snorting drugs, because that’s just wrong) throughout your entire post. Thanks for cheering up an otherwise boring Thursday morning!

  23. You have got to be one of the most inspirational people out there. You were just in the hospital from being in so much pain and now you are dancing around in a panda suit. Whatever you are feeling on the inside, you should know, is negated by how truly happy you make everyone else feel. I want to be like you, when I inevitably never grow up! *looks up panda suits for sale online*

  24. Pandas only eat the babies which are pre-stuffed with eucalyptus. Otherwise they have to braise them in eucalyptus broth, and really, what panda wants to bother with that?

  27. I think I now know what pandas will look like during the zombie apocalypse. Or maybe the Virgin Mary during the zombie apocalypse. Or Eminem trying to hide in a panda suit during the zombie apocalypse. Never mind… I’m just confused.

  29. holy crap. that is the most amazing thing I think I’ve ever seen.

    And honestly, if Victor didn’t want pandas in his conference call, he would have already installed a deadbolt.

  31. Card idea, ready? The front cover is black, with a hole cut into it so that all you can see is the Virgin Mary part of you in a panda suit from the inside. Then you open it AND? Panda. I’m thinking condolence cards.

  32. I get the arranging-by-color thing. I like to tell people I have CDO and when they look at me funny I just tell them it’s like OCD but worse because it’s in alphabetical order.

    I am even more than usual jealous of you right now. Although I’m still upset they don’t have feet. What if they had feet with little panda claws? That would be awesome.

  35. I think a celebrity death match is in order between Mary Panda and Eminem Panda…but not with any real death. And that new Rhianna/Em song should be the soundtrack…I like the way it hurts.

  36. And just for the record, Pandas don’t eat babies stuffed with eucalyptus. That’s those Australian Koalas. Pandas eat babies stuffed with bamboo.

  39. OMG. The Virgin Mary shot. Looks just like the Mary statue my mother kept on the kitchen sink. I think she put it there so she could pray for her kids’ souls while she did the dishes. This is the same woman who would vacuum the floor by going over one spot seven times, saying to herself “Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me.” (7 words, 7 swipes of the vacuum).

    I know.

  41. “Also so that you couldn’t tell that I arrange my books by color like a mental patient.”

    What? Wait, what?

    That’s NOT considered normal?

  42. Tears here from laughing so hard.
    You definitely have the bad ass panda/virginal Mary panda thing down to an art.

  46. Does the panda suit have a back “trap door” like the olde timey longjohns? Or does it have a tail? Or both?

    The reason I wonder is because I can only now picture the Virgin Mary wearing robes with a trap door in the back. I mean, for all we know, she may have actually had a trap door — you don’t see too many of those old paintings of her from the back. Just sayin’.

  47. This post could have stood alone with just the first picture. Of course, it just got better reading through it, but still. Priceless. 🙂

    P.S. There is a green book in the brown book section. Someone has done messed up your filing system.

  48. OMG… I SSOOOO want one, even more now. My husband though? Has banned Panda suits from the house. He just doesn’t understand. 🙁

  49. That Virgin Mary shot is dead on. Took me right back to my grandmother’s house which was filled with creepy statues and sculptures of hands holding crosses and a big old tablescape of the death of Jesus.

    yes, Catholic.

    And I immediately thought of Eminem in the gangsta photo. But you do need one of those chain things tied to the side of the panda suit.

  51. Ok, I didn’t think it would come in so soon! Thanks for the pics, made my day! 🙂 And you’re totally right about preparing Victor. He should be grateful for having a wife so prepared for zombies!

    Oh and the Virgin Mary pic, it’s like I’m at church….

    Do you have a back flap????

  52. You know what would be awesome? What would be awesome is if priests started telling people who come to confession that their penance was to say, like, 50 “Hail Pandas.”

    “Hail Panda, full of drugs, The Bloggess is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst creatures, and blessed is the fruit of thy stomach, babies.”

    Like that.

  53. Panda suit should be worn every day!
    I was wondering what that look meant from the Virgin Mary when I saw her last…

  54. That panda suit is overloaded with copious amounts of WIN!
    Also, all conference calls should involve being ambushed by somebody wearing panda pajamas. Like, seriously. Because conference calls are so. goddamn. boring.

  56. I think the books arranged by color are very artistic… not at all mental patient-ish.

    I sent a picture of the penguin jammies to my friend who loves penguins and he begged me to make it go away because he was to afraid to close his eyes to go to sleep. Bah. I told him I wasn’t going to make the cute penguin jammies go away until he went out to lunch with me. His sleep deprivation hallucinations have got to be pretty wicked by now.

    And the Virgin Mary picture, while very beautiful and all, sent me into a hellish flashback to Catholic school. I’m going to go have a drink now.

  57. Holy shit, that is the LAST thing I expected to see this morning!

    Though, seeing as it’s your blog, I guess I SHOULD have expected it…

    Also, pandas are way cooler than flying squirrels. My son has an obsession with them, so I know of what I speak.*

    An obsession with pandas, not squirrels; flying or otherwise.

    *I speak like Yoda.

  58. i work from home as well. i think that a fucking panda suit would probably make me WORK AWESOMER.

    especially since i already eat babies, it’s perfect. really. it is.

    added bonus: it will freak THE FUCK out of my cats. but probably not awesome husband. he’s used to dumb shit like that.

    actually, he might make me buy him one too. hmmm.

  59. One or more of these images should replace all the images in the Pajamagram ads one sees in magazines.

  60. I am COMPLETELY jealous. And I also love the flying squirrel one. Our minor league baseball team is the Richmond Flying Squirrels. I would wear that to all the games if I was into baseball. However, I’m not. And besides, I don’t think they even *have* flying squirrels in the state of Virginia. So I’m still perplexed as to why we named our baseball team that. Oh dear, am I rambling? Oooopsie.

  62. You need a photo of you in the panda suit with a hand gun and a bamboo salad, because pandas eats, shoots and leaves. Use the gangsta pose.

    Forget the eucalyptus, that’s koala from Australia; pandas are from China.

  64. To me you look a lot more like Sister Bride from my 2nd grade penmanship class. That look is why I still have this ruler scar on my index finger. Thanks, Jenny.

  65. That’s awesome. Even better than a confidence wig. 🙂 I foresee it making an appearance at your next conference maybe??

  66. I LOVE IT!!! There are no words for how hard I laughed in my cubicle…I think my coworkers thought I was having a seizure.

  68. Oh my god, you really do arrange your books by color!! That really messes with my mind, since both my jobs are in libraries. Thanks for getting me out of MY rut. Hope I do okay shelving tonight. Thanks. A. Lot.

  70. Oh yeah, if I were still Catholic I’m sure I’d put your picture up right by the Sacred Heart. But I’m not, so you’re too late.

  72. When I grow up, I want to be just like you! This post rocks. I was particularly moved by the Virgin Mary pics. She’s everywhere…LOL

  74. Jenny walks into a restaurant. She orders a meal and eats it.
    When the waiter brings the check, Jenny pulls out a gun and shoots him, then steps over his body and heads for the door.
    “Why did you do that?” hollers the outraged owner.
    Looking back over her shoulder Jenny says “I’m a panda! Look it up!”
    The owner locates his dictionary and searches for the definition of panda bear. Finding it he reads:
    “Panda Bear – A large black and white bear like mammal native to the far east. Eats shoots and leaves.”

  77. Let’s move past the book color coordination thing and discuss those freaky dolls on the bookshelf? Because I’m afraid they are gonna suck my soul out of my body through my computer screen.

  78. When you finally get your hands on the flying squirrel suit (and I know you will) you need to wait until Victor’s drunk off his ass and then swoop down from the ceiling at him, you know, like when they strung up Dabney Coleman in “9 to 5.” I assume you have all the equipment already. Except the flying squirrel suit, which I think you should name Dabney Coleman.

  81. Don’t be a sad panda.

    Hardcovers must never be shelved with paperbacks (even on the same bookcase – I have many).
    My books are all sorted by size. Tall ones on the left. Short ones on the right.
    By author. If they don’t fit, they get moved to another shelf where they WILL fit, and again, sorted by author.

  82. In truth, if you get the flying squirrel one, you’ll need a leather aviator hat and goggles.

  85. OMG and you’ve got BLYTHE dolls too?!?! You are so made of awesome! I’d have had to have picked the pink hamster though, although I have to say, you look good in panda. I’d go Thelma and Louise with you and rob a liquor store.

  86. The one you think is scary made me think of “Song of Bernadette”. Wasn’t that the name of the move about the two little Mexican (?) girls who saw the Virgin Mary and then had a movie made about themselves starring Loretta Young? Or maybe someone else?

    Anyway, that’s what I thought of.

    If you really want maximum impact from your jumping-out-and-snarling-panda, try it at the grocery store. Fun!

  89. I love the Panda suit. My son bought one for his girlfriend and she loves it. But yeah, about those dolls?????

  90. Hahaha I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! I love that you growled at your boyfriend during a business call! And the Virgin Mary photo- creepy!

    P.S. I think colour coordinating your books is cute- I do that with my clothes!

  91. Dear Karen Maeby, Please do not fiercely hug Jenny, because she is a fragile person and also….I’ve heard that Panda’s have a mean-streak and could turn on you at any moment…EVEN WHEN BEING EMBRACED BY A CRAZED FAN! I’m not speaking from experience…just what I know to be FACT.

    Dear Jenny, you make the most cutest fucking panda I have ever seen…and that means A LOT because Panda’s just happen to be my favorite bear….well….aside from the Koala Bear…I mean…let’s face it…those little dudes are freakin ADORABLE. But Panda’s run a close SECOND – if not TIED for FIRST. So…yeah.

    I love you. Carm

  93. Um. J’adore. Like, a lot. And also, if you have not already seen the photos on the baby Panda just chillaxing on a jet all adorable and such, please see that you look into it. Short version of story. The Chinese government was all “Oh hey, we want to make sure our Panda flies safely to America so we’re going TO PUT HIM ON A PLANE WITH YOU OTHER GUYS LEAVING CHINA! BAMBOO FOR EVERYONE!” Only I don’t think everyone got bamboo.

    PS
    Thanks for making my work day ever so much brighter.

  94. So happy!!! That just made my day…well not the virgin mary being disapointed in me…but everything else in your post today!
    You are so right…pandas jumping out at you are training for the zombie apocalypse…That should be in the training manual

  95. I ordered a bunch of stuff from a store based in Britain (whose Euro sizes make me want to develop an eating disorder). I was really proud of the my purchases that came in the mail this morning. Now, I hate everything, and just want a beautiful panda suit like yours.

    I lose. You win.

  96. I’m laughing so hard I’m choking and I have a blanket over my head so I don’t wake up my 3 week old I just got to sleep. I want one of these for no other reason than to wear it around the house for the next 9 weeks of maternity leave. That might make my kid go to therapy when he’s 30 and terrified of pandas trying to feed him and wipe his butt with wet cloths.

  97. You rock my world so hard, woman. I just about spit all over myself from laughing. Tell Victor to stop being jealous. It’s not a good look.

  99. Crazy song. So if I pull your tooth out when you’re wearing the panda suit, will I too be granted the power to summon Godzilla? My dad’s birthday is in a few weeks and getting Godzilla to his party would be way more awesome than the gift I have for him. Can we at least try? You have dental insurance, right?

  100. I literally laughed me ass off… It’s right there by the sofa. Funny ass stuff. First ofyour blogs I have read but now… –> will follow. Your woman after my own heart. Rock on gangsta Panda

  103. On another note – WHY THE FRENCH TOAST IS MY COMMENT STILL WAITING MODERATION? We are like *FAMILY*!!!! I should be on automatic approval mode…I can’t believe I’m being blog-blocked….what the EFF, man! Does our PNN sisterhood mean NOTHING to you??????

    I’ve been thinking about the Gangsta-Panda pose…and after much reflection…I think it’s Bad-assier than Marshall Mathers in 8-Mile…I mean, who wants to tangle with a Panda whose RA is acting up? NOT ME!!!!!

    I still love you…but MAN…you make it hard some days. Love, Carm

  106. Please, please, please look into what it would take for you to be the star of a reality based tv show. I don’t own a tv, but I would go out and buy one just for your show.

  108. Personally, I never really thought Eminem looked all that threatening or gangsta-ish in 8 Mile. Maybe because his name was B Rabbit & I just can’t see anyone named B Rabbit as either of those things. But I just had the most awesome idea for his next album cover. You can wear your panda suit and he can wear a rabbit suit while you both do your best threatening, gangsta-ish impressions. It’ll be off the hook. Yo

  111. As I am currently bed-bound with the most intense case of flu civilized America has ever seen, (I may be slightly exaggerating), my dying wish is to see you eating bamboo in this costume. Don’t worry, it’s not some sort of weird fetish of mine. Unless that would make you do it, in which case, bring on the plants.

  112. Good Lord- you are hilarious! I am not sure what I did with my time before I found your blog… The Virgin Mary picture is pure genius. I hope you labeled it well so that when people Google “pictures of the Virgin Mary”, your photo appears.

    I have to admit, the large headed dolls behind you frightened me. I wanted to yell “LOOK OUT JENNY! THE HYDROCEPHALIC DOLLS WANT TO EAT YOUR PANDA SUIT!” But then I thought, maybe you wanted to eat the dolls…. since Panda’s eat babies and all.

  114. Gangsta Panda looked more like Emo Panda to me, problemly because of all the black. And the sulky expression. Still awesome.

  116. Arranging books by color is TOTALLY vicious feng shui, so don’t even SWEAT that shit. Now the weird vaguely anime dolls? Not so much with the good energy flow. Pandas dust bad flow off their shoulders though. ESPECIALLY gangsta pandas. Just like Lil’ Wayne.

  117. This is pure genious! Everyone should have a Giant Panda suit. It will come in handy when you travel to China, you can wear it on the plane and then proclaim “I’m a native” Who is gonna argue with you?? Also, stock up on Bamboo, you may get hungry.

  119. BF hates having to work from home because I, too, tend to interrupt his conference calls with Japan and the like. Not usually with panda suits, but weird shit nonetheless.

    That is fucking awesome that you bought the panda suit AND provided us with a photo shoot.

    Ahhh, I’m really starting to believe that there is nothing you can’t do.

  120. I have got to get this panda suit for when I read your blog. All of that fabric would soak up the pee when I laugh so hard.

  121. O.M.F.G.
    Just the kind of wtf-ery I have come to expect and relish on your blog.

    P.S. Do they make a kitty suit?? not the sex kitten type (too overdone) something along the lines of mangy alley cat?

    oh..and P.P.S. Pfffffft. Man up Victor. You should expect EVERYTHING in the middle of conference calls. Plan ahead man.

  124. For how long have you and Victor known each other? He should not be surprised by anything anymore. Seriously. What was he expecting to jump out from his office door? A kitten? Psh.

  126. I just watched that panda song 16 times. Then posted to my fb page, because my friends don’t already think I’m strange enough. Apparently.
    I love you Jenny, you are awesomeness. Be my friend?

  127. My 7 (almost 8) year old whats nothing more than the flying squirrel suit.

    I am hoping I can save up in time for her birthday. Though I know she will want to live in it and jump out from behind doors to suprise me all the time. Ahhhhh…my sanity for my baby squirrel’s (her nickname) happiness.

  128. I told my husband that I wanted that flying squirrel suit and he said, “No, you would try to fly off of the roof.” Then, I was more concerned about being married too long than not getting my squirrel suit, because that was exactly what I was planning.

  129. My 7 (almost 8 ) year old wants nothing more than the flying squirrel suit.*

    Wow, I should not be trusted with a keyboard. I destroy language.

  130. Yet again almost peed my pants. Thankyouverymuch. Now I want one. It will most definitely freak out my 17 month old daughter and my 34 year old husband (much like Victor), but I can’t resist making the panda suit really look like she ate babies… you must love an 8.5 month along pregnant woman in a panda suit. You must.

  131. Just don’t get too close to a ‘furry convention’ in that. Your panda may end up getting a very NOT Virgin Mary response…

  132. Okay, I’m starting a list of what no one expects:

    1. Spanish Inquisition
    2. Early Morning Panda Attacks

  136. does it have a boopsie flap so you never have to take it off??? if so it must be nice to poop in panda comfort!!

  137. I was on a conference call this morning, too. I always mute the phone when I’m on a conference call at home. Too many dogs and flushing toilets around here. But I guarantee you, the people I was talking to would not have minded a Panda joining in. And you are certainly welcome at our reception for the Kansas Legislature next Tuesday. Bring the suit!

  142. HA! Love this!! I arrange my books by height so all of my shelves look like the AT&T bars..also, what is the panda song????

  143. I want to see an actual panda wearing that panda suit. It would sort of be like a Russian nesting doll. I bet if you slip a zookeeper a fiver, we could totally make this happen.

  144. Loving the suit, it’s almost (but not quite) as much fun as the lifesize cardboard cutout of Liberace I found on ebay (see my blog entry – Standing stiff with Gordon and the Libster) A *must* for every home office I think.

  147. Look u[ “Furries” on the internet, and then share with Victor.

    Mmmmhhhhm yeeeeeaaahhh…now he’s interested, right?

    Methinks you’ll be on the “right side” of the deadbolt after this Panda suit become the signal for hot lovin, s’all I’m sayin.

  148. Dear God, Woman. Do you know the kind of money you could rake in by auctioning off a dinner party with you as the Dinner Serving Panda?! I’m just saying… College. Tuition. Think about it.

  149. I love that costume, it’s so cute! It made me want to search around for other ones – did you know that they also sell the same line here:

    http://www.imageanime.com/qtcomfy.html

    And that it says the flying squirrel is in stock!

    http://www.imageanime.com/flsqadju.html

    🙂

    And this site has a lot of animals/characters… you could be a care bear! Haha

    http://www.ladedaskigurumi.com/

    (they also have the squirrel 😉

    http://www.ladedaskigurumi.com/product/CEHW10130-A

  150. I totally want a Panda suit!! But not for all the fun I could have freaking my family out with it – but because it looks so warm and cuddly. I’m freezing my Texas-ass off up here and I need something warm and cuddly.

  152. I, I can’t even look at your bookshelf because your books are not arranged by height and width (as they should be! Well, at least in my mind) and there are improper angles all over the place.

    Also, because you should NEVER juxtapose (what? I enjoy showing I know some big fancy word for “place beside”) big-headed creepy dolls with what looks like a small fairy trapped in a jar. Look, they’re already plotting something evil to do to the victims you’ve imprisoned in glass for them. I hope you’re happy and not too attached to that particular decoration.

  153. I once dressed up as a panda and sexy danced at a stag to the song Buttons. It was the middle of summer in 100 Degree weather and a giant mascot panda head that covered my face. I almost passed out. There are videos somewhere. Perhaps sometime I will rent it again and show you my moves.

  154. I love the virgin Mary panda. And I’m also excited that I’m not the only one who organizes their books by color. My husbands been telling me I’m crazy for years, now I can tell him that I’m not crazy because the panda version of the virgin Mary organizes her books the same way. If that doesn’t convince him, nothing will.

  157. Oh, Jenny, you kill me. I *die* of laughter every day. I’m not sure how I wake up alive after my laughing fits. Must be because the Panda Virgin is watching out for me. Or something like that.

  158. Hail Bloggess, full of grace.
    Dear Lord what is wrong with thee.
    Blessed art thou among pandas,
    and blessed is the drug of thy choice, Xanex.
    Holy Bloggess, Mother of Hailey,
    pray for us commenters,
    now and at the hour of our death,
    which will probably be while we sleep during a Zombie Apocalypse.
    Amen.

  159. I’d say it’s very likely that the Virgin Mary wore a panda suit. And even more likely that that’s how she earned the name virgin.

    Unless, of course, her husband was a furry. Then the name would probably be a lie.

  160. Sometimes when I change clothes I pull my shirt around my head so it’s just covering my hair, this is the time that I am convinced that I look like the Virgin Mary. Glad I’m not the only one…

  162. I really, really like your panda suit. However with all my hot flashes I’d have to be standing outside in Antarctica to be able to tolerate having one on. So make sure you have all my fun too.

  164. I had stop reading this at work because I was laughing too loud. This is just too funny! Victor should get one too. Or maybe he should be the flying squirrel.

  166. It’s nice to see that pandas have enough decorum and self-respect to wear full make-up and lipstick. I, on the other hand, rarely show such decorum and look like the walking dead when I pick up my kids from preschool. Way to rock the panda suit!

  167. That’s what happens when you get to work from home?!?!?!?!?!?! I think I need to work from home. Congrats on scaring Victor!!

  168. This is off-topic but I’ve been meaning to ask for a while. Not you, Jenny, the commenters. Do you all make up your “last blog post” titles just to impress our hostess? Because I’m suspicious that you are all that consistently funny in your own blogs. Quit showing off.

  170. You arrange your books by COLOR! That very nearly was the break up up my marriage, although my husband did not tell me that until more than 10 years after the incident. You see when we were first married we lived in a small hole of an apartment, and the entire living room area was a labyrinth of cheap bookshelves. My husband hoarded books. We used his used book collection as collateral for a loan once, valued just based on the price he could get by selling at the local used book stores. He only had a small portion in our apartment, but they created a maze. I found that if I ever took down a book to look at it and then put it back, he would come home and immediately remark on the book. He could tell you the publisher, cover artist, and other esoteric facts. It because a challenge to me to move or remove a book and see if he noticed. He always did. I decided one day that he knew the order of everything, so I took down every single book and rearranged them by color. He was not happy. He rearranged them some days later while I was out. I was telling the story to our son, many years later, and Ken brought up that it was NOT funny and that that day he very nearly walked out on me. I had no idea. We have a very Victor/Bloggess-like relationship, I think, because he stuck with me some 31 years now, and I think it’s because of my sense of humor–I “get” him and he “gets” me. Okay, well he doesn’t quite “get” me all the time, but he appreciates that.

  171. Homg How could you…buy this for yourself and NOT SEND ME ONE?!!! I’m the biggest Panda fan EVER! I wrote a five minute speech on Pandas for Christ sake. *pout*

    Oh but in other news, I’d like to say that you “gangsta panda” look was really Gangsta! The first thing I thought when I saw it, before I saw it had a caption (yaaay for slow loading pages thanks to Dial up like service) was “HOMG GANGSTA PANDAAAAAA!!! Hmmm she’s looking kind of like Eminem.”

  172. have to admit, you’ve come a long way (down) from james garfield. A LEGEND, A SAINT. not gonna lie. just saying…..

  173. This is exactly how people get hooked on furries and start living the furry fandom lifestyle. Watch out Victor, this is just the beginning!

    I hope you’re googling that furry fandom thing and, if you’re the kind of person I know you are, maybe add the +fetish thing to that 😉

  176. Other safety drills:
    House is on fire!! No it’s not.
    Burglurs attacked!! No they didn’t.
    Condom broke!! No it didn’t.
    Seriously, though, this time it did.

  177. I am 80% sure that Victor is the Ed Norton to your Brad Pitt. He wanders around town asking bloggers what “Project Panda” means and they shout back “The first rule of Project Panda is you don’t talk about Project Panda!” He was kind of into it all at first when it seemed like he was getting some respect and recognition from newbie bloggers and everyone seemed to be getting into this “Blog Roll” thing (which also had a First Rule, which was “You don’t ask to be added to the Blog Roll”). But now….now he sees the things that you are doing and he’s wondering what he got himself into. He doesn’t know he doesn’t exist. Or that you don’t exist.

    Anyone else suddenly want meatloaf?

    It’s all going to end badly at the top of an empty skyscraper. And Helena Bonham Carter is involved, but only because I think Helene Bonham Carter is The Bloggess of Hollywood.

  178. OMG! Where do you get these costumes from?!?!? I LOVE them! I’d go so far as to say I might actually NEED them! I can just picture some of the comments from my students if I turned up in class actually wearing one, I mean flying squirrel…wtf? it’s awesome!!! I couldn’t see a link to the place you got them in the post, unless I missed it due to over excitement and the urgent need to immediately reply… Please could you post it(again) for m if that’s ok 😀

    Hilarious blog – love it!

    Drew x

  179. You know, I think drinking while reading your posts (or reading your posts within, say, a three-hour time frame of drinking) is a bad idea, because I’ve now gone and bought the penguin pyjamas for a woman I’ve been dating all of two weeks as a Valentine’s Day gift (obviously, because she loves penguins), and if this whole thing backfires and she’s like “WTF? You got me PENGUIN PYJAMAS?”, my only response will be to mumble something about being drunk and reading your blog, which will undoubtedly make the whole situation worse. My only hope, at this point, is that she is actually crazier than I realized, and thinks this is, in fact, an awesome V-Day gift for someone you hardly know. That’s possible, right? Dammit, that fortune-telling gypsy was right, I am going to die alone…

  180. Yeah, I think most new readers are going to think you’re this really normal grow-up who, like most people, feels compelled to buy an adult sized panda suit that accidentally transforms her into the mother of deity, but then they’ll notice your books arranged in a very aesthetically pleasing fashion and be like SHE’S CRAZY. Did you see the section of beige books? ABSOLUTELY BONKERS.

    (Official diagnosis in my book: Awesome. And I’m a therapist. So that diagnosis nearly qualifies you for meds.)

  181. Jenny? I laughed so hard I may have peed a little. Then I sent it to my friend, who has a friend called Panda. I really hope she considers buying Panda the Panda suit for her birthday this year. That way, when I get my flying squirrel suit, we can have sleepovers, and be awesome together. Hell, I’ll probably wear it to parties.

  182. When is the Virgin Mary not disappointed in me?

    Christ. Think of the guilt she probably laid on Jesus …

    “Well, I didn’t push an eight-pound baby out of my VIRGIN vagina in a BARN for this, Jesus.”

  184. I’ve only been working from home for a few weeks. I’m sure after more time has passed I will appreciate the great job one gets from wearing a panda suit. Usually it takes a lot of chocolate to give me that much joy, but that impedes fitting into the suit. Such a dilemma…

  185. I’m calling bullshit… after being married to you for this long, I don’t believe that Victor is (or can be) surprised by *anything* you do. Unless the man has been living in a state of suspended animation, in which case the zombies will probably miss him.

    ~EdT.

  188. My teenage daughter and I bought a panda cushi for her friend’s birthday, because her friend is a happy panda, and it’s all due to you and this very informative blog. But now I see that pandas eat babies, and her mom runs a day care, so I’m going to have to research the return policy.

    And I did notice the books grouped by color. Fuck you, Dewey Decimal system.

  189. Will you please oh please do your own series of “Angry Panda Cheese” commercials. Please? Pretty, pretty please? With strange spreadable cheese on top?

  193. Your second photo looks like you could be doing a child’s play for local schools. Maybe you should look into that.

  194. Don’t feel bad… I arrange my books by topic, then by size with the small ones in the middle and the big ones on the edges. I also alphabetize my dvds. I did have them arranged by genre, but stopped when someone yelled at me for putting “Silence of the Lambs” in the comedy section. I think my husband has started moving random dvds into the wrong place to spite me. I just found a D in the L section. (I’m really *not* OCD, just mildly neurotic when it comes to organizing.)

  196. I love it! At first I thought that perhaps you should wear the panda suit the next time you go home, but then realized how bad that would be as someone might really try to shoot you and turn you into a rug. Bad plan. So, now I think you should go to DC in it and ask to interview Chinese President Hu Jintao.

  198. The fact that you can pass yourself off as the virgin mary only confirms your tagline…

    also – ignoring the fact that colour-sorting books makes this librarian’s head explode – are those Blythe dolls?! ooh.

  199. You guys are the best enablers ever.

    Answers to your questions:

    Yes, those are Blythe Dolls. And they are awesome. And I’m not worried that they will eat me when I sleep.

    I bought the panda suit from Cushzilla and they never sent me the variety pack of costumes that I requested or even responded to my multiple tweets at them because they don’t understand online marketing.

    The panda suit does have a panda tail and I keep forgetting it’s there and when I sit down I think I’ve sat on the kitten and I jump up really quick but nothings there and so I sit down again and then I jump back up and then I realize I’m just sitting on my tail. Imagine how annoying tails must be if you’re a real bear.

  201. Things like this panda suit just reiterate that is always something in this world that makes everything worth it. I think you should continue to desensitise Victor to potential Panda attacks. I mean, not only will he become accustomed to Pandas in general, but he’ll be ready for Zombies AND potentially ZOMBIE-PANDAS! You’re really do him a HUGE favour in which he should be thanking you!

  203. I read through as many comments as I possibly could but then had to, for some reason, had to go get some lo mein, so I don’t know if anyone has already asked this but did you reliaze that your panda suit hijinks correspond with the Chinese Prime Minister visiting Washington, DC? If you did realize it and timed it as such, then I salute you. If it’s coincidental, your subconscious is remarkably politically tuned in to the universe. Either way, I’m still hungry.

  204. You cannot be sad when wearing the panda suit. Really. That suit looks like the best fucking pajamas ever. My house is cold. I want a panda suit. I kinda work from home sometimes so I could totally pull it off. But then, I should probably wear something else when I go to work outside the home. Or when I go to the coffee shop to furiously type away for hours on end.

    But maybe not. Do you think if I wear the panda suit to the coffee shop it will be a good conversation starter and some gorgeous guy who has been eyeing me up for months unnoticed by me because my face is buried in a book or my screen will come up and ask me, “where’d you get the panda suit? I want one. It looks really warm.” and then ask me on a date and we could go to dinner at a fancy French place both wearing panda suits just to see how people react.

    I definitely need a panda suit. So much jealousy.

  205. All you need is a Panda Pillow Pet. I have three of them, so I got you covered if you need one to borrow. Only to borrow though. I need all three panda pillows. Need.

  208. I am fawking DYING here at my desk laughing while trying not to snort so as not to draw attention to myself. My random internet purchase that arrived yesterday was less dramatic but still got a WTF double take from my husband. I had tucked up my long red hair under my new dark brown bob wig and didn’t say anything about it, just waited till he walked past me. The comical part was him obviously choosing his words carefully so as to NOT yell “where is all your hair!?!??”

    You make a lovely giant panda with makeup… and the hard-as-nails panda? Totally wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley. Hmm ANY Panda in a dark alley would be alarming.

  209. We love that Panda suit so much we ordered chinese food from Hungry Panda for lunch. On a totally unrelated topic, but kind of a public service message, please don’t look at our blog post mentioned below about Kitty Cats and think that it has anything to do with Heroin. Because it does not. Really, it doesn’t.

    Have a great weekend!

  210. Awesome!! Me and my friends made a music video dressed up as various creatures, shot around different streets in Shoreditch, London. The locals barely batted an eyelid but we had a fine time!

  215. In the Flying Squirrel costume you look as if you are headed to a bunch of water with a hairdryer…I think you should be glad you didn’t get this costume since it is obviously possessed.

  216. fun fact: some scientists believe one of the contributing factors to panda’s dwindling population is the lack of sexual understanding in the panda population. for example, some male pandas get so confused about where to put what, they will mount the female’s head and go to town. also? their manbits are about the size of a human thumb.

    sad panda.

  218. This now negates your need for suspenders during the zombie apocalypse! Do zombies even care about bear brains? Built in safety feature! 🙂

  219. Also, as for Jen’s comment a few above this, I do NOT eat babies. The wombats framed me, I swear.

  223. I looooove the suit! I want one now. You look adorable.
    I’m a bit in love with you. Its becoming a bit of a problem…

  225. I’ve been looking at a similar suit, actually. It’s the same shape only it’s pikachu. I really, really want it, but my boyfriend won’t allow me. He says he doesn’t want to be an enabler.

  226. My husband is organizing his gagillions of 80’s songs right now. “On the Wings of Love” came on RIGHT when I opened this post. I’m having visions of your happy little flying squirrel ass soaring through the treetops to bad 80’s music. It’s beautiful. I shed a tear into my coffee. Nice work, Bloggess. Nice work.

  232. So as the 230-something commenter, I highly doubt you’ll read this, but I just had to let you know that this post helped my husband understand a little bit better why I spend so much time blogging/reading blogs.

    I just handed him my phone and made him read this post- and he laughed. Multiple times. Now he has a bit better idea. Although if I tell him that I just hid in the bathroom stall at the bar to comment on your blog, he’d probably ban you from our household.

    I’m going to go drink the rest of my margarita now.

  233. Does having a panda suit make up for lacking opposable thumbs? Oh, wait! I’m thinking of kittens on smack. Ignore me.

  234. You are absolutely adorable. The White House should have invited you when the Chinese president was there having the State Dinner, you know, to celebrate the Panda staying in DC and stuff.

    I think you were being very nice to Victor. I think waking up to see a big giant Panda hovering over your bed staring at you is a lot worse than 9 am.

  238. Printed this out for my 15 yo son to read because I thought he’d enjoy it. He was incredulous – because this is almost identical to conversations he and his friends have. So, I’m either happy that my son and his friends are interesting and quirky and smart enough to think about what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse – or I just informed you that you have the mind of a 15 year old boy. Weird.

  241. I can’t even see the panda suit now cause all I’m doing is looking at the bookshelves! I practically have the dewey decimal system going on in my house. Books arranged by genre and then alphabetically. At least, they would be arranged that way if I ever put them away. Which I don’t. Stacks of books on every horizontal surface. The bookshelves have pictures and shoes in them. So, never mind, arranging by color is a fine system. Bet it’s real easy to put the books away that way!

  245. Long time reader, first time poster. Love your work. So much so, that I saw this post and was swayed to buy one of these pyjama-costume-things. Not for myself, mind you. That would be foolish. No, I bought one for the girl I had been dating for exactly two and a half weeks to that point. She loves penguins, you see, and well, I was drinking and reading your posts (which, by the way, I’ve vowed never to do again), and I thinks to myself, hey, that would be a great gift for this woman I hardly know but am trying to impress with what a suave fella I am. What says ‘suave’ like a penguin costume bought off the internet? (See, this is why I only drink socially now – I need supervision). So, I sent in my order, shipped directly to her house, and waited. Unfortunately, I sobered up in the between time, and this really didn’t seem like such a good gift idea anymore. Sure, *YOU* can pull off the Panda-blogging photos and look all artsy in your black and white photos, but presenting this – unannounced – was beginning to feel like one of those Really Bad Ideas.
    Now, I’ll cut to the chase – she got the penguin suit, laughed a bit, and was even a good enough sport to try it on for me (I know, total keeper, huh?), but I couldn’t help but notice that the box was marked “COD” in about a hundred places, all of them very red and noticeable.
    “Say,” I ventured in what I hoped was a somewhat suave way, “you didn’t have to, erm, pay for this package when you received it, did you?”
    “Yes,” she shyly ventured, “but it’s no big deal. Really.” (Now, I’m not a native to the language, but I know that this is one of those girlspeak phrases that means the opposite of what it means in manglish.)
    Turns out, she had to pay nearly forty bucks for shipping to get this ‘gift’ from me – on which I had already spend twenty bucks in shipping. Again, another area of non-expertise for me is math – but that translated to shipping costs of nearly 95% of the cost of the penguin suit!
    Needless to say, I was severely unsuaved by this information, and promptly sent off a tersely-but-expletive-free email to them, demanding some sort of explanation as to why they would charge all of this shipping on something clearly labelled as a gift. To date, I have gotten no reply.
    To say that I’m peeved is an understatement. By sheer force of will and some sort of good karma that will likely have me doing something very nasty and unpleasant for the next several decades, this pretty lady has not ditched me like last week’s newspaper… but I get the distinct feeling that she’s going to cringe every time I mention the word “gift” around her for a good deal of time to come. Not cool.
    So, my dear Bloggess, while I in no way blame you for this debacle (other than introducing me to the idea of silly pyjamas while I was drunk, which I have been told I cannot legally or otherwise pin on you), I thought I might drop you a line, in the hopes that your clever readers might see this, and be forewarned. If you should find yourself one evening, drunk and online, and thinking of buying one of these Cushzilla costumes, be warned. The wankers charge you up the wazoo on shipping without warning, and don’t answer emails.
    Thanks for letting me vent. You’re a real pal 🙂

  250. Jenny, can you ‘shop your face into the squirrel costume, we all want to see it!!

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