Last week I got an email from a lady named Sarah who founded Juice in the City. You might be asking yourself, “What is Juice in the City and why are they emailing Jenny?” I wondered the same thing but it turns out that they wanted to hire me as their social media consultant for the day. Probably because they were all high. Regardless, I immediately accepted because I wanted to expand my professional portfolio and also because Victor wouldn’t let me have any money to buy a chupacabra foot (more on that later).
Here is a slightly paraphrased version of our email thread, which will now serve as a warning to anyone considering hiring me:
Sarah: Juice in the City promotes local businesses while giving moms super cheap deals on things they specifically recommend. We’re THE original mom-run, mom-sourced, locally-based deal site and every day it’s a different deal in eleven different markets. It’s cool stuff. Like recently we offered deals on vajazzling and lipo.
Me: That sounds like a terrible combination. Your vagina rhinestones (vaginestones?) would be falling off by the time your lipo bruises fade. I suggest not offering those two things as a package deal.
Sarah: Um…they weren’t a package deal.
Me: Awesome. Then you’ve already taken the first step. Next step would be to offer deals on things that people *really* want. Here are my suggestions:
Victorian vampire hunting kits, taxidermied mice wearing small top hats, freelance ninjas (by-the-hour), zombie-defense consultations, time-share ponies….that sort of thing.
Also, time-share ponies is totally my idea so if you end up starting that business you need to pay me royalties. In ponies.
Sarah: Explain “time-share ponies”?
Me: Everyone wants a pony but if you get a pony it’s hard to sleep because you’re thinking about all the pony-time you’re wasting when you’re asleep so instead you buy a time-share pony and when you’re sleeping or eating you let the other people who bought shares in the pony ride it. That way the pony is in use 24/7. Fully-efficient ponies. Except that now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure ponies need to sleep too. God, all my ponies are going to die of exhaustion. Are ponies allergic to amphetamines? I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.
Me again: WAIT. HOLD THE PHONE. Okay, we’ll let people who have pony-phobia have the ponies during pony nap-time so that they can just sit near them and conquer their fears. WE’RE CONQUERING MENTAL ILLNESS WITH PONIES.
Sarah: Once, a traveling partner I was with in Istanbul was offered a camel in exchange for me. That is the closest I have come to timeshare ponies and it’s not even close.
Me: I don’t know what the exchange rate of camels is but it sounds like you were seriously undervalued. But never mind that because OMG, I FOUND IT. I found the perfect thing for you to offer.
You get a dismembered hand AND three wishes for only $55. IT PRACTICALLY SELLS ITSELF. Except that I don’t know how many hands she has to sell. One would think at least two.
Sarah: Huh. They do usually come in pairs. I don’t know if this is quite what we’re looking for but I appreciate your enthusiasm. Let me think about it.
And that’s why you should check out Juice in the city. Because they could be offering amazing deals on monkey paws and time-share ponies any fucking day now. But until then you can check out whatever today’s deal is. Like in Houston today they’re offering FIVE DOLLAR BOOZE, which is awesome, but not quite as awesome as time-share ponies. But honestly…what is? Also you should check them out because they actually paid me for that consultation and I’m using that money to buy a chupacabra foot.
So technically I just got paid in chupacabra feet.
That shit is so going on my resume.