If this is your first time here you should skip this post. Really. Go away until tomorrow. It’s one long run-on sentence and makes almost no sense and it’s filled with typos. I haven’t slept in two days.
The last 36 hours has been strange even by my personal standards. First of all, after two years of turmoil and struggle I was finally recognized for my contribution in the field of politics when I was presented with a Shorty Award. It was a big night for me and I may have screamed a bit, which was fine because I was actually watching it from home because I was too freaked out to go to New York alone and I think Victor broke his arm on purpose so that I wouldn’t walk up on stage in my panda suit to accept the award from that guy who does the Daily Show. Also, I was told to submit my acceptance speech in case I win and I specifically asked them to have Jerry Stiller read it and accept the award for me, but when he came out on the stage at the beginning he looked so frail that I wanted to just put him in an egg container to keep him safe, and I silently prayed that they wouldn’t actually let him read my acceptance speech because I gave him stage directions that when he screams “WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIINES!” he should do it with victorious fist-pumping action, (ala Red Dawn) and I’m fairly sure it would have shattered all the bones in his body. No one wants to be responsible for killing Jerry Stiller.
For those of you wondering what the fuck I’m talking about and why I even wanted a political award when I don’t actually have anything to do with politics, I will give you a short summary. Part 1: 15 months ago I was somehow shortlisted in a political category for the Shorty Awards (it’s like the Oscars of Twitter) and I spent a lot of time telling The Shorty Award people that I’m not actually in government but it didn’t work because people kept voting for me ironically so I decided to run with it and took on NASA and the Mayor of New York. Also, my personal hero (Author, Neil Gaiman) decided he’d run for the Customer Service category because the “author” category just seemed too fucking obvious, and also I think we were drawn to the idea of showing why voter-driven awards are fundamentally flawed.
Part 2. I was a top finalist until the last day of voting when I was unceremoniously stripped of all of my votes because NASA paid them off. I assume. The Shorty People said it was because I’m not really a Government official. They also stripped Neil of his Customer Service votes. It was totally shitty but the city of Martindale Texas came to the rescue and named me as their official Czar. I report to the stray cat that lives at city hall. None of this is made up and I have pictures to prove it.
Part 3. I sent a strongly-worded email to the Shorty Awards demanding my votes be reinstated as I was now a Government official. They told me I need a full year of service before it counts. I think maybe the shorty awards don’t know how the Government works.
Part 4. The Shorty Awards hate ponies.
Part 5. The Mayor of Martindale traveled to Houston to present me with my crown, scepter, and a government proclamation (signed by the cat). Then I was attacked on stage by a stray baby.
Part 6: In my duties as an official Czar of Texas I have judged and accidentally desecrated a beauty pageant (but forgot to write about it) and personally welcomed Neil Gaiman to Texas. I planned to give him the key to the city but the only key I had on me was my mailbox key and I was expecting a package that week.
Part 7 (one year from ordinal update): This is part seven. It’s been a year of service and after many dedicated followers (thank you!) voted to reverse this travesty I found myself short-listed, and the finalist list went to the Academy to make the final vote. It’s an Academy that includes MC Hammer. This is all true. Apparently MC Hammer is a fan of chaos and anarchy because I won. They flashed my acceptance speech (recognizing Martindale, TX and the cat I report to) onto the screen and it was done. It would have been more exciting except one of the other winners was a sandwich. True story. Winners include me, Conan O’Brien, and a sandwich. I’m not sure what they’re going to do with my glass trophy since I wasn’t there to accept it but if they don’t want to mail it me I’m going to ask them to give it to a homeless person because homeless people deserve trophies too.
Then yesterday I asked everyone on twitter to paypal me 11 cents in the next 24 hours because I needed $1,000 to buy something incredibly stupid. And they did. Hundreds and hundreds of 11 cent paypal donation flooded in and I emailed out 450 thank you notes until my wrists seized up and I had to quit. As of this moment people have sent in $402 in mostly 11 cent increments. Which is completely insane. And awesome.
Sadly, this morning I was informed that the taxidermied pig (who died of natural causes) dressed as Scarlett O’Hara that I desperately wanted to buy was not properly preserved and is no longer a good investment because it’s “totally stinky”. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed but I shall persevere. And instead of saving up for my the next stupidest thing on my list (Hannah the drunken squirrel pianist ~ “Cognac is her drink of choice, while silly little love songs are her song of choice. She drinks until the songs become sad, then stops“) I’ve decided to take this money and give back to the community in the most ridiculous way I can think of.
Remember a few weeks ago when Wil Wheaton sent me a picture of himself collating papers so I could use it to stop spam? Exactly. That was awesome. And that’s why I’m going to offer Nathan Fillion $402 to send me a picture of himself holding twine. Sexily, if possible.
PS. If Nathan does not respond then I’m going to use the money to buy a bunch of pigmy goats for my neighbor because then I won’t have to be responsible for the goats but I can still play with them. Best idea ever.
PPS. The very best part of the whole Shorty Award ceremony: Amanda Palmer plays tweets of random celebs…fucking awesome.
UPDATED: It’s been several days and Nathan Fillion not tweeted anything remotely regarding twine. He did, however, tweet a picture of a fake dead cat covered in ketchup and another one of him stand next to food. In other words, Nathan Fillion has lost his damn mind. Personally, I’m concerned and I think perhaps we need to leave him alone. The good news though is that I told Alyssa Milano that I seem to have inadvertantly terrified Nathan Fillion and asked if she could stand in for him and she replied “I’m confused”, which is totally a fair response. Then I explained a bit further and she said she would totally be happy to send us a picture the very next time she did something incredibly random. I suggested a picture of her thumbwrestling Sarah Silverman or or possibly having a staring contest with an animal but it’s really up to her. Personally, it doesn’t even matter if she never sends anything. The very fact that she responded at all makes her fucking classy in my book. This would have a funnier ending if I didn’t only have 9 minutes before my laptop battery gives out. Just pretend I wrote something hysterically right here.