Oh, awesome.

I really thought I had a post ready for today because I had one in my draft folder scheduled for today that was titled “MISSING” but I just opened it up to check it and there’s nothing there.  It’s totally blank.  I suspect it’s maybe an ironic practical joke that I decided to play on myself when I was drunk.

Nice one, me.  You totally got us.  Again. Please stop drinking.


It’s almost Sunday, so that means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.

Let’s begin, shall we?:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my sweet friend Kevin who runs FreePrintable.net, which offers tons of free, printable templates and documents. And voodoo dolls and clip art and pictures of horses. Or print all out all of them and make the most surreal, free coloring book ever. Or print your own money. And then go to jail for using it to pay for ad spots. Seriously, Kevin…I *will* press charges. Get your shit together. PS. You can sign up for his updates here.

74 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I LOVE that Poison mug, but I already have THIS one which is just as good at keeping people away from me: http://twitpic.com/4jf1wp


  2. I think wordpress is fucking with us.

    Or Jesus cause we called him a Zombie.

    Cause I totally had a post scheduled to publish TOMORROW and it published like 2 minutes ago and now I look like an idiot for talking about today when clearly it is tomorrow or something. Way to ruin Easter WordPress.


    Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo recently posted I hope Our Lord and Saviour the Easter Bunneh takes the hint from my decorations.

  3. Might I also point out that the reddish stains on MY mug are from chianti because that’s just how I effing roll?


    Kelly recently posted Hopefully Ill save on therapy costs.

  4. I’ve got that painting, (well, I’ve got a $5 print of that painting) on my wall- I’m staring at it right now, and then staring back at my computer screen. Your face fits eerily well into it. And now, I’m never going to be able to look at the picture on my wall again without thinking of the Bloggess. I should be angry about this.


    SuzRocks recently posted The Politician&8217s Guide To Celebrating Earth Day.

  5. Ah… the bloggess in my *FAVORITE* painting of ALL TIME! I should be mad but instead I am intrigued at how to get MY face into the painting… PSP here I come… Thanks for changing my Saturday plans, Jenny.


    Renee recently posted News and sex advice… what more do you need.

  6. I loved the evolutionary reasons for big butt love! I read that last week and sent it to all of my friends. Because education is important. The person who loved it most is a biology professor who will now be using it in her classes. Education FTW!


    Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted Birthday Giveaway from Studio Jewel!.

  7. I’m impressed that you actually write posts in advance at all. I have a few drafts in my folder but they’re ALL blank. I start them when I have a title in mind and then forget about them. Usually the title comes from something that’s pissing me off at the moment. Current blank drafts include: “Pick Up That Pile of Dirty Clothes or I Will Murder You in Your Sleep,” “I Want to Stab All the People on Dancing With the Stars,” and “The Woman Wearing the Caftan is the Devil and Must Be Stopped.”

    Are you sensing a theme?

    Also, I’ve just realized that I’ve been using my drafts folder as therapy. Good for me.


    Bejewell recently posted How I Accidentally Fired Myself.

  8. Not too many people have the presence of mind to play practical jokes on themselves to be discovered at a later date. May I suggest time travel as a more reasonable alternative?


    Brenna recently posted Welcome to virus town.

  9. The only draft I’ve got right now has no title and contains one word: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS and a picture of Giselle Bundchen. I dont’ remember when I wrote it, or what I was going to write about. Apparently, I have a thing for super model boobies. Which is… odd? But okay I guess. I mean, who doesn’t want that woman’s boobs?


    Chelsie recently posted Identity Crisis.

  10. I would punch myself in the throat if I played such a joke on myself. You may be letting yourself get too big for yourself’s britches.


  11. I wonder if that *MISSING* post is some type of blog virus – I think I saw one of those in *my* draft folder, as well!

    Happy Easter Jenny!



    EdT. recently posted Spotted On Teh Twitterz-.

  12. My favorite part, though, is how the Poison mug is listed with an advertisement for “Sentimental gifts for mom!”.


    C @ Kid Things recently posted Bursts.

  13. Oh, yes, I spent hours and hours reading #2 over and over again over the past week or so. It’s really been the highlight of my life.


    FoxyKate recently posted grey yoga pants- green deep-V- glasses.

  14. I read the Bad Parent quiz during my last 10 minutes at work, and I swear I nearly wet myself and/or got myself fired.


    Andie recently posted Conversations with my Kid- Pop Culture &gt Canadian Politics.

  15. I play tricks on myself like that all the time. Sometimes past me thinks it is funny to hide the car keys, or drink all the milk without adding any to the shopping list.


  16. When I try to comment it seems my comments are as missing as your draft. I blame my phone.


    Tova recently posted moonlighting.

  17. Is that serisouly Victor’s arm?! Wow. Impressive. I know it sucks for him (feel better Victor!), but it’s still so effing COOL. He’s like a rock star from the future or something.


    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Be a better person- damn it.

  18. And oh my if people have not watched that jeggings video they must. Now. Brilliant!


    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Be a better person- damn it.

  19. Steamer basket robot feet. Why do you always post this wrap-up when I need to be getting shit done?


  20. Old ads (the vintage sex ads) are definitely my favorite ~ they’re so odd. It’s like… they TRY to hide behind the message of the ad, but do a horrible job about it.


  21. My husband thinks I’m crazy because I found the whole mug thing hysterical. Clearly there’s something wrong with him. Or I need to stop drinking.


    Megan recently posted Contrast.

  22. Hey, you may be #10 on the blogger list but they called you a “Lady.” I think that means you are next in line to be Queen of England. You can totally take Kate Middleton–she’s just a stick with hair at this point.

    Also, very important, did you know that your “sweet” buddy Kevin has a message that pops up on FreePrintables.net that knows I came from The Bloggess’s site? Yikes, man! He’s probably watching you surf eBay for werewolf elf figurines right now. Just sayin’.


  23. Douche Canoe?!??! How have I never heard you use this? Was this the first time?! OMG. I’m using it in every sentence for the rest of the day. Douche Canoe.


    John B recently posted UPDATED- yes- I have a real job sort of.

  24. Curiosity compels me to ask, JUST HOW DO YOU DECIDE ON THE RANDOM SHIT YOU GOOGLE?

    In other news, i didn’t need you to tell me i was a shit mother; my kids are old enough to tell me every damn day.

    Also, congrats on being a big blogger…that’s why your coattails are so sweet!
    Also, Victors arm looked pretty fucked up…that must have been a hell of a fall.
    Also, i have no other comments.


    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which i share my wisdom.

  25. I just happen to be watching BBCA’s Dr Who marathon today so Dalek porn really set nicely. Thank you.


  26. 27
    Pam up north

    On the downside, Victor’s before picture looks like someone got to him with a cleaver. Upside, he’ll have a great story/major hassle every time he tries to pass through a metal detector. Congrats on being a top ten Blogger Jenny!


  27. I’m going to have nightmares about those gnomes.


    Johi recently posted Fun Friday Facts.

  28. That SAME exact thing happened to me. WordPress thinks they’re a bunch of fucking jokesters. Not cool. I had a ton scheduled last week. None posted and 1/2 were missing.


    MG recently posted Washed Up.

  29. I was kind of worried that you’d gotten yourself kidnapped or something and Victor came on your blog to tell us to watch out for you.

    I’m glad it’s not that.


    Sarah Elizabeth recently posted That Time I Was Totally Violated By A Cat.

  30. A “Poison” mug as a sentimental Mother’s Day gift for mom? Have they gone mad or developed a sense of humor? You be the judge.


    "Susan Says..." recently posted The Art of Swearing.

  31. I totally love that the post titled “Missing” was, in fact, missing. You should definitely not stop drinking…your drinking creates true genius and makes me laugh. Bottoms up!


    Jacqui recently posted Sorry To Ruin Easter….

  32. That is so secretly awesome about the “missing” folder.

    I will often commend “Me, Past” if I have done something that I later am really happy about because the foresight saved me extra work/effort.

    Then again, I am f*cked. So… yeah.


    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Glade- Febreze & Britney Poison To The Senses.

  33. p.s. Let’s also just say that it is a really good thing I am not a “parent”.


    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted How Do You Know Trust Me- I KNOW.

  34. I truly appreciate my big butt now. So, thank you! :0) ❤


    Tracey recently posted Happy Earth Day!!.

  35. That is my favourite weekly wrap-up picture EVER.


    Raz recently posted Distractions.

  36. That “Poison” mug would be the best to hand to my boss when they demand a coffee. I think an “Antidote” shot glass would add to the effect, maybe sell them as a set…


    Geoffrey recently posted In order to waste your life- you have to start young.

  37. You always have the most entertaining blog posts…ever. Thank you! Happy Bunny Day!


    Marisa @ I failed math. recently posted I started blogging because no one else wanted to hear it.

  38. Congrats on making that Rojish dude’s list! That list was pretty well-rounded and diverse…..he listed a few different bloggers from totally different niches.


    Rico Swaff recently posted The Parrot Mom.

  39. Zombie gnomes!!! Awesome!


    Sarcasm in Action recently posted Easter Greetings from Me to You.

  40. Dang, I just got the hell scared out of me. I thought by Victor’s comment in the Little House on the Prairie article that Dean Butler had died … All I could think was “NO!!!”

    Then I realized that he was talking about the real Almanzo Wilder.

    (Was I the only boy watching Little House on the Prairie and crushing on Manly?)


    The Queer Next Door recently posted “The Prize Is Always Worth the Rocky Ride”.

  41. Hi! So very very sorry about Victor’s arm and infections. Although, that x-ray is pretty badass. Terminator type badass. So then not so much sympathy, but congratulations are in order.

    It’s lovely that you provide these great links. I swear, over half the things I’ve found on the internet to amuse me daily are due to these wrap-up posts of yours. A couple of things – the top ten female blogger list guy – English is not the first language, no? And also – that Andy Sandberg cocaine video is backwards! Backwards! I’ve never seen that! Is that like a copyright thing? It’s not pirated if it’s not the real thing and it’s not the real thing since it’s backwards! Or is it more like backwards code or something?

    Wish I lived anywhere near Austin to go hear you curse! And also, before I go – big shout out for Steam Me Up, Kid. One of the more hilarious blogs ever in existence ever. Except for this one. Of course. xoxo


    Penelope recently posted Parenting Magazine.

  42. “Missing” a blog post? LOL girl, I’d go stark raving mad if I had as many things going on as you do! I love you more than a pitcher of martini’s (almost) for posting the week in review, gives time impaired folks a chance to catch up and have a seriously needed laughter fix!


    geekbabe recently posted Pretzel Crisps serves up respect to bloggers!.

  43. I just visited Rojish’s blog where he gives a shout out to the top ‘female bloggers.’ He states:
    “Of course majority of the blogs in the blogosphere is owned by men ”

    Ugh, nice. Maybe its the PMS, but this really effing rubbed me the wrong way. Must get more pills.

    Here is my comment there, who knows if it will make it past moderation:

    Really? Of course? FYI:

    of course
    1. In the natural or expected order of things; naturally.
    2. Without any doubt; certainly.

    I find this statement, aside from being poorly written, very offense. We ‘female bloggers’ don’t need to be placated. Thanks anyway.


    Theresa recently posted Say ‘Hello’ to Momma’s little friend.

  44. Sorry, that sounded bitchy, maybe I do need more meds.😦


    Theresa recently posted Say ‘Hello’ to Momma’s little friend.

  45. Awesome Miss Ten…you should really be number one. Like Bo Derek and Mother Theresa only way better on both accounts.

    You rock the bloggy world!!!


    A Vapid Blonde recently posted High Heels- Tight Jeans and “Kissing” A Boy EW!.

  46. When it comes to fatassiness, I rule. Hard.
    The empire thanks you for your albeit teeny ass by comparison contribution. Today is officially renamed Aaster. Amen.
    p.s. My phone tried to correct A M E N to S E M E N. Stupid whore phone.


    RNTgirl Kirsten recently posted four hour body and holy fuck balls.

  47. I bet if you’d posted that blank drafted, you’d have gotten more comments than on any post you’ve ever written. Drunk You called. She wants Sober You to stop cockblocking her.


    alonewithcats recently posted The greatest Easter miracle of all time Also- Jesus came back or whatever.

  48. So, I finally found the Godess of blog world!

    I like the picture a lot blogess and I read the links. You are super duper!


  49. Totally random but I just got this on an RSS feed and thought of you: http://www.themarysue.com/weird-taxidermy/


    Rae recently posted aaron jasinski and the 418 faces.

  50. I can’t think of a funny comment because I’m too excited that I made your weekly wrap-up. I guess I’m just… verklimt.

    *shuffle steps off stage right*


    Steam Me Up, Kid recently posted Its like Dickens- but swap out the ghosts for whale vaginas.

  51. Dr Who porn indeed! No self-respecting actual Doctor Who cast member would ever pose naked with a Dalek. http://emmapeelpants.blogspot.com/2009/03/oh-honestly.html

    I did say self-respecting.


    Mr Farty recently posted Twitter- Watching William &amp Kate The Wedding So You Dont Have To.

  52. Haha, Steamy. “Verklimt.” (I just wanted you to know that someone else appreciates Yiddish puns.)


  53. Congrats on making Top 10 Female Bloggers. Half million page views per month – whoah.


    vodka therrapy recently posted Make that one Skinny Bitch- please And hold the sarcasm.

  54. what exactly is a douche canoe? did you make it up?


    Laurie F. recently posted please- let me fall back asleep.

  55. Congrats on being in the top 10 of womn bloggers!


    Amanda recently posted Texas Rangers Tuesday game!.

  56. I can appreciate your excitement over the wool. Just a note on Victors comment… Though you probably received a bag of wool, there are both hair and wool sheep breeds.


  57. when I shop at your shop could you entitle it “Eight kilos of uncut cocaine” – sounds so Miami Vice to me.

    I did nothing else “Butt” read No. 2, now its time to go back to everyone else’s comments and see who brought the clever!


    LA Juice recently posted The Easter Bunny is a Bad Mothra Faulker.

  58. On the right hand side of the page with the “Poison” mug is a recommendation of this as one of several potential “Sentimental gifts for Mom!”. I’m not sure I like what I think the mug may possibly be implying, here. My mom is not a fan of 80’s music. I expect the mugs to know these things.


    Trish recently posted Show n Tell.

  59. You almost made me lose the last gasping tendrils of my sanity today. I’ve been studying for my Art History midterm for the last three hours and decided to browse your page for a quick brake. When I saw the picture of Klimt’s “The Kiss” on your page I started panicking. You see, that’s the exact same picture on the cover of the textbook I’ve been pouring over, so I assumed I had finally snapped and begun seeing my classwork everywhere. I was ready to give up all hope of carrying out a normal life when I realized that no, The Bloggess was able to trick me and herself in one day. You should get a medal for tricking yourself and others in a certain period of time. Quick, someone call the President and demand one.


    Emily recently posted Keep Your Hands Off my Coconut.

  60. I’m going to have nightmares about that x-ray. And I don’t understand why there are a mess of screws just floating about in there. I don’t think I want you to explain it either.


    Elly Lou recently posted Hey Uke.

  61. Are you happy now? The orgasm lady made me cry.


    Fred Miller recently posted Cripple Jokes.

  62. If my cats could open pickle jars, life as we know it would end.

    The TV programming changes alone would cause the stock market to crash.


    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted I’d Be a Wicked Good Nature Show Host.

  63. I collect poison bottles, some of which still have poison in them. I already frighten my co-workers (well, I did when I was still employed) and they wouldn’t accept coffee from me yet I still had to order all the lunches in. I think I need the coffee mug just to worry people even more.


    Melissa C recently posted No fish for you!.

  64. This article is like you as a scientist. Only less funny. Do you think being a scientist makes you less funny..?

    OK, actually, maybe I should instead start this will the disclaimer of – this might scare the crap out of you:



    My Baby Sweetness recently posted Todays message brought to you by the letter g.

  65. I am embarrassed at the amount of time I just spent looking at Cats Where They Don’t Belong.

    Particularly since I can just look at my own cats and notice they are ALWAYS where they don’t belong – i.e., in my space.


    Suniverse recently posted Youd Think I Wouldnt Care About Easter- But I Do But Not In That Way.

  66. I am dying over the zombie gnomes! I want to buy them and then sneak them into my mother’s gnome farm and wait to see how long it takes her to notice and freak out…


    Angelina recently posted Im feeling a little hormonal and grumpy today.

  67. I just purchased the zombie gnome ‘Legless Larry’ for my wife… Thank you Bloggess!!!!


  68. I don’t get the SNL skit. I mean, FLOUR does that to you?!


    subWOW recently posted A Night with the Band with Twitter along the way.

  69. Re: “douche canoe” – You know, canoes are less vulvar-looking than, say, a kayak. But I suppose “douche kayak” comes out a little clunky.


    Hersteria recently posted April Hussy of the Month!.

  70. that whole “women don’t blog as much as men” vibe was getting to me, so I wanted to share this link with you- this person has a very popular SEO/SEM website, and she points out some stats on Female Bloggers:


    jenny should be on this list!


    LA Juice recently posted Peep Show- Next Time you’ll RSVP on Time.

  71. Blogess can you make your links come up in a separate window?
    I know, I’m a dork, and I have nothing witty to add like all your other comment leavers. But I wish I did.

    I don’t know how to do that but I do know that if you right-click on the link and select “open in a new window” that’ll work. ~Jenny


  72. So, turns out it’s super fun to write your blog when you’re drunk but also super fun to read your blog I’m drunk. And drunk is kind of an overstatement. It’s more of a wine and cheese night. A giggly night. Not a advil and gatorade night before a really bad morning.


  73. Just read a bunch of posts to my 10 year old.

    “The problem with seven year olds is they do not appreciate witty banter.”

    She now wants to know who Woody Banter is, and why no one appreciates him…

    Finally stopped laughing enough to post this comment.

    LOOOOOVE the blog, want a metal chicken. Better yet, go shopping with me – drunk shopping- and we’ll find a friend for Beyonce.


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