I don’t know what size it should be but it should probably say “Get this fucking t-shirt off me, you asshole”.

in Random Crap

Every so often I log into Google Analytics to see what baffling phrases people were searching for when they found my blog.  It’s usually just weird p0rn searches but sometimes I get things that are so perplexing I suspect someone is fucking with me on purpose:

30 people found my blog searching for advice on how to dress their obese cat.  Also, I’ve never written anything even remotely about this subject in my entire life.  I don’t even show up on the front page when you search for this.

My head hurts and I may never sleep again.

113 thoughts on “I don’t know what size it should be but it should probably say “Get this fucking t-shirt off me, you asshole”.”

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  3. But I mean, you’re going to give us advice now right? Cause my cat’s only 13 pounds, but she dresses way too young.

  6. I feel like humor blogging has a lot in common with husky felines. (Please don’t make me spell it out for you because it will be incredibly awkward for both species.)

  8. That’s funny because I actually did dress my very large cat up in a costume and no one has found my blog that way.

    Though “fiery dress up games” has brought me a lot of (disappointed) readers.

  9. All I know about the secondary (or maybe it’s the tertiary topic in today’s Weep is that a couple years ago I asked someone if they knew where I could get a custom-made Jets jersey for the SheBar’s Fucking Poodle. And that someone directed me to that ETSY website and after i went there and I posted my Official Inquiries I received like a dozen “quotes” from about a dozen really ditzy sounding homemaker sewing and buttoning types who I confess kinda freaked me out because they sorta reminded me of the first SheBar who I was married to for 11 years and with who I made two babies who are now Happy, Healthy Adults even though their mother was herself somewhat limited to being a Happy Healthy Mormon woman who likes to sew and button stuff.

    And all the quotes were for like $5 plus shipping and I thought how can they possibly be making any money in the small dog football jersey making business and oh yeah, most of them told me they could only do a “replica” Jets small dog jersey on accounta they didnt want to receive any heat from NFL Licensing attorneys who might then shut down their little kitchen table $5 small dog jersey making enterprise.

    Fully queering the deal is that the FP hates me and pretty much let me know that if I tried to dress him in ANY clothing he would rip at least one of my fingers off. So forevermore the FP watches the Sunday NFL doubleheader COMPLETELY NAKED.

  12. I love google searches, they make me smile. My personal favourite is “Don Johnson smells cat pee”. It is simply wonderful on so many levels.

  13. My cat needs a tiara with a boar’s head on it. Do you do that too? (Also, my neighbors are listening to Ravel’s Bolero really, really loud and it’s making for a very surreal experience here.)

  15. Someone found my blog once by searching for ” cracking the fat landare”.
    I have absolutely no fucking clue what that phrase means.

  17. Last week two people searched “how to recover from a coke bender” and ended up on my site. DAMN YOU, CHARLIE SHEEN!

  18. I’ll go ask my sister why she’s been searching that and if it provided her with a useful answer. Gracious knows her 20lb cat Princess needs a tshirt.

  19. You know, I totally think there must be a group of people out there who get their jollies figuring out the strangest searches they can use to get to your blog… then re-entering them a bunch of times. Just to fuck with you.

  20. It does seem highly unlikely that was searched on 30 times, unless of course you are getting a rush of those searches for people’s mom’s cats since tomorrow is indeed Mother’s Day. You do however come up at #21 when I search for it:

    http://tinyurl.com/3j9f6lh

    So, it’s possible. 🙂

  21. I was going to experiment and see which page you showed up on. So I did. And it was the second page. And then I was wondering how many of the previous pages did they click first in their earnest search for knowledge on how to dress their cat. And I was scared that there was a page titled “maternity wear” that showed up before yours. I didn’t click it because I was worried people were dressing their pregnant cats.

    Also troubling, there are 30 people who are dressing their cats. And 30 cats that are probably plotting deaths.

  23. Thats just silly. Everyone knows 20 pound cats* don’t wear shirts. For one thing, they don’t wear off the rack. They wear hand knit sweaters, made from yarn spun out of the fur they’ve shed on the sofa. So they don’t clash with themselves.

    *FYI: 20 pound cats don’t like to be referred to as “obese.” They prefer “significant” or “solid.” Words that imply a certain majesty. Though what they prefer most of all is to be given more to eat…

  24. Maybe someone was shopping for a t-shirt for a tiny despicable man, and they misspelled “cad”.

  25. Jenny, you must be the leading expert on obese cat p0rn. I didn’t even know there was a niche for that market, but obviously you are it. Thankfully, I don’t have a cat to have to worry about them finding their way to your website.

  26. How weird is it that I just came across a photo of cat in a shirt – without looking for one?

    flickr.com/photos/crap/4106264045/in/faves-lovely_bicycle/

    Seriously – I was trying to find a photo of a bike, and this came up… which just has to make you think that there are hordes of people out there dressing their cats… I’m frightened.

  27. Duh, Jenny, because the one thing 20lb cats and polydactyl cats have in common is wondering how to dress. You’re welcommmmmme!

  32. Oh, I don’t know. I found your site by entering “insane woman laugh looking for minions” Seems perfectly reasonable to me. (I eschew Google though, preferring Altavista when possible.)

  33. This is pretty much how I feel about 87% of the time when I look at the search terms that lead to my blog.

    If it makes you feel better I have gotten multiple hits from people searching “I fuck my brother’s dog when he travels.”

    I have certainly NEVER written about anything like that. That’ll teach me to refer to the mutt (who I actually adore and miss) and “my brother’s fucking dog.” This is the only explanation I can come up with. My use of profanity leads perverts to my site.

    *Awesome*

  34. Oh Jenny – your blog is like the Jerry Springer of blogs. I love you – but mostly I love obese cats in t-shirts that say “I ate the dog”

  35. i appreciate that you, like me, don’t just get porn searches, but p0rn searches. We’re like sisters.

  36. P.S. Now you definitely show up on the first page of google for this search term. I know because in a desperate search of anything that would distract me from my own life for five minutes, I checked.

    Also, (in the same desperate search) I discovered this is the post that you would have found by googling said term, prior to this post, which is now the at the very top of the first page of search results: http://thebloggess.com/2010/01/men-dont-understand-science/

    (Also, thank you very much for you kind words earlier today. It meant a lot.)

  37. Well, that’s creepy…I am pretty sure I am going to have to measure my cats for straight jacket size as opposed to shirt size. But still, I don’t think I’d ever search that on the internet…lol

  38. All that, and you didn’t tell us what size???
    I was going to use that a a guide to dressing my 8lb cat, but that plan is useless now.
    Why is there not a standard cat sizing? Is there no government department looking into this? Why not? You’re in government. As Czar, shouldn’t you be resolving these issues?
    Who elected you? And should you put buttons on the shirts for cats with opposable thumbs? Would the cats with out thumbs feel patronised if you used velcro fastenings?
    Now I have to go google cats with opposable thumbs wearing buttons.
    Oddly, that search led me to a page about the CIA murdering Kurt Cobain.
    I’m not sure I’m supposed to know whether cats with opposable thumbs should wear buttons.
    Maybe it’s a CIA conspiracy, and they can only communicate that they’re on the case through articles accusing them of killing Kurt Cobain.
    I KNOW! I’M ONTO YOU PEOPLE!
    Just tell me if my cat will bad with velcro fastenings. And if I’ll survive it.

  39. is the shirt for the cat’s self-esteem? cause i’m pretty sure nothing says ‘i am thin and gorgeous’ like an overstuffed furry cotton sausage.

  40. Ooops. I meant “Just tell me if my cat will FEEL bad with velcro fastenings” She’s always bad. She’s the Queen. Of. Disdain.
    And from the look she’s giving me, she’d rather zippers anyway. So, could you CIA Czar types look into that too please? The effects of fastenings on feline self esteem. I’m sure someone will sponsor your research.

  41. If Vanessa is right and you are the leading authority on obese cat p0rn, that should definitely go on some business cards. Immediately.

  42. Excuse me, but 20 pounds is not obese for a cat. With all the catorexia out there, I wish you’d be more sensitive about feline body image.

  43. Dressing up dogs = misguided, but understandable. The dogs might look foolish, but they probably don’t care. But dressing up a cat? Good luck – I hope you like things like infectious cat-scratches and revenge. Because most cats I know would be silently plotting their owner’s demise if forced to wear t-shirts. And I don’t blame them – but they better wait until their owner takes that stupid t-shirt off, or they’ll be stuck wearing something that says “I’m with stupid” for the rest of their lives. It’s the details, people!

  44. –>Now you need a picture of Wil Wheaton holding a fat cat on a treadmill. Although I don’t think that will help the fat cat get any skinnier.

  45. Ironically, I had two visits from people searching: “what does it mean win your cats hair ball look like poo ?”

    I’m pretty sure it means you bought your 20lb cat the wrong kind of shirt.

    Thank God you’re here to set them straight.

  46. The positive side of this is that no matter what one is doing, it’s nowhere near as weird as the people finding your blog through strange searches. Just sayin’.

  49. ps, you’re gonna have to scroll a bit to see the cat in the rainbow wig looking like it wants to eat your liver with chianti and fava beans- but its worth it. The wig is Half OFF! and they assure us the cat will love it.

  51. Every time you post one of these, I of course try it out. I’m guessing I’m not the only one. The 20lb cat link is now number one. So you are either an idiot or a genius, depending on whether you want more weird links to your site or are happy to have as many clicks as possible. Last time you posted a longer list, I had to try all of them.

    Is it because I don’t believe you? Well…as Reagan used to say “trust, but verify” so I guess that makes you Gorbachev, which would make an excellent name for the next taxidermied thingy you find at a garage sale. Well, clearly you are not Gorbachev, although it’s possible that the wig fettish is all about hiding the port wine birthmark on the top of your head, so maybe I need to think about that some more.

    Maybe the real reason I type in all the silly things that link to your blog is to try to feel like I’m one of the “cool” ones who cleverly link to your blog through the bizarre secret code of utter madness, but I’m so uncool that I’m not sure if that really is cool or not. I mean I usually agree with the Doctor on what is cool and I think that makes my judgement alien.

    I don’t know how you got the link in the first place, but you recently mentioned your thumbed cat, and my son, who has a great need to see all the “cat with printer” Youtube videos one day found Facebook suggesting a lot of friends that were cats, so maybe the thumbs give your cat the ability to type and you know, word of mouth got out that you wear cats on your head and some of the other cats just had to see it.

  52. Also, I’ve never written anything even remotely about this subject in my entire life. I[t] don’t even show up on the front page…

    Actually, Jenny, it is the top result. Of course, that is for this article…

    ~EdT.

  54. LOL! Now, if you search Google for ‘how to dress an obese cat’, you’re on page 2. Awesome. :b

  55. I just want to say “Happy Mother’s Day”, and thank you for making my day with this post.

  56. Hmmmm, I wonder, is a 20 pound cat cold enough to need a t shirt? I checked my own analytics and just found the usual “naked old ladys with big tits” it’s even spelled that way, all 22 times it was searched for apparently.

  58. Putting a shirt on a 20 lb cat?! I was owned by a cat who would have killed me if I had ever been so foolish as to try stuffing her into a shirt. It took welding gloves, a flack jacket, and goggles just to survive putting her into a cat carrier! I marvel over the thought that anyone could live through what would be a traumatic/near death/outright death experience! However, if anyone could find a creative way to stuff a cat into a shirt (and survive to tell the tail…erm…tale!) it would be you. Of course the ‘logical’ first step would be to figure out the shirt size, therefore there should be no surprise that people are looking for advice from you!

  59. um skinny cats don’t need to know their tee shirt size cause they are busy hanging poolside in their birthday suits freaking skinny pussy showing off.

  61. Someone found my blog last week by searching for “dog morning fuck porn”.

    I don’t even want to know what the were looking for, but I have feeling the content of my blog was one hell of a disappointment.

  62. I don’t get any cool searches like that, just stuff about MILF’s & green eggs and ham. And please, tell me how either of those two phrases have anything to do with me or my blog?

    You get the best stuff, Jenny!

  63. In skimming/reading through half of the comments, I thought someone would have given a clue to what the answer was, but nope. Now I NEED to know the answer. I’m disappointed. I thought this was an educational site.

  64. I would imagine it matters more how they are carrying their weight. Twenty-pound cat girdle may be a more relative search.

  66. I have a 20 pound cat. I can assure you, it would never for one minute put up with wearing a t-shirt. Also, just to clarify, I wasn’t one of those people that made that search!

  69. Wow…
    Google Analytics has never been a favorite of mine but that result would have definitely made me switch! Now, do cats ever really get that big? I’ve never been a cat person, so I don’t have any idea.

    Cute post!

  70. This might be one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read.
    Btw, you are now #2 with that search string. I checked… #1 is about a real cat with a real Tshirt that looks like a bullet proof vest.
    😀

  71. Welcome to my world, sweetie.

    Last week, people found my blog while searching for “naked sex muppets”.

    I haven’t slept since Friday.

  72. Fantastic. You HAVE to write a post on this now, it seems only fair.

    I am thankful everyday for the weird fetishes enjoyed by some, my blog wouldn’t have half the visits it does without them.

  73. Do cats get moobs? That’s the only legitimate reason I would buy a cat a shirt. It would probably need a crevatte to tie back the extra chins by then anyway.

    This reminds me I need to ask you about zombie cat burial. Not one zombie movie covers the issue of animal zombie-ness enough for me to know if dead-again cat meat would turn dogs into zombies.

  74. Why would a cat need a shirt? None of the cats in my neighborhood wear shirts and they are really fashionable cats. If cat shirts were in style…they would know it.

  75. The search terms that lead people to my blog aren’t nearly so cool. The most interesting thing I got was that some people found it after searching for “pagan pussy”, and to be fair I totally blogged about starting a band named Hot Pagan Thunderpussy.

  78. You know, that statement implies that the cat is actually making a demand for a shirt all, “I’m a fat shit. Now get me a shirt! Size? WTF do I look like? A tailor? That’s your job.”

  80. I sense a niche here. Perhaps you should start designing shirts specifically for 20lb cats, no?

  82. Dude, I run a website for a young up-and-coming musician, and periodically I check his webstats, and every. person. who comes to his site from a search has always gotten there through some variation of a search on his NAME. His actual name. It’s just weird. No bizarre searches on something I can’t even begin to figure out what the connection is. It’s people searching for “[name]” or “[name] music” or occasionally “[slightly misspelled name] CD”.

    I… feel like I should apologize. Like, I’m not working the SEO hard enough or something. The only people who come to his site are people who are actively looking for him! WTF???

    Things like this keep me awake at night, and are why I am campaigning to be, like, a Maker’s Mark poster girl or something. *SIGH*

    (http://www.johnfullbrightmusic.com/) (So there. Now maybe people will find John’s site when they’re looking for t-shirts for their half-feral housecats.)

  83. Have you heard the song “Dickhead” by Kate Nash? Because my daughter played it for me the other night and I laughed so hard. Not as hard as at the Honey Badger, but still my stomach hurt. Just saying it might be a song you would like.
    This has nothing to do with obesity-challenged cats, but then neither does any of your posts.

  84. OBviously, it was a chubby kitten looking fur a last minute Mother’s Day gift for its overweight, diabetic kitty mommy. Let’s not mock the fat and hairy, shall we? That’s somebody’s mother, after all.

  85. Not to sound like a spammie-whammy, but my most recent post was about the crazy Google searches that lead people to my site. It astounds me to say the least. Most of the time, I am able to connect a particular search to an entry, but other times I can’t. For example, today someone found my site by googling “she likes to eat and smell hairy cheese turds.” I have never written about cheese turds (whatever they may be?) or cheese curds for that matter. And what the hell are these hairy cheese turds that she likes to smell and eat? I have no idea how they found my site by googling that phrase.

  86. I can relate to the porn thing. my most popular post mentions full frontal nudity in the tags and in a comment. there is some, but it is a link to a classical painting, so not very likely to titillate anyone but the most volatile of pubescent teens. still I get more clicks on this one than any other – a surprising number from Pakistan, although I expect that source to dwindle now that bin Laden has been fed to the fishes.

  87. So damn funny! Dropping by to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny. You’re the best, positively!! =) <3

  88. How DARE you call my cat “obese”. He’s just big boned!

    HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES

  93. Honestly, if there were a blog that would give me the answer as to how to dress and humiliate an obese pet, this would be my first stop. Perhaps Google has gone a step beyond preemptive searches and started presumptuous searching.

  94. I laughed out loud at the title and my boyfriend demanded to know what was so funny, and he’s not a blogger so I couldn’t explain. Thanks for that.

  95. Well, when I put in “mothering” in twitter, the first person I got was Lady Gaga.

    Twenty pounds for a cat is pretty fucking big.

  96. One time a boyfriend’s mom “googled” me and through some creative misspelling found all of sorts of naughty things about another woman she became utterly convinced was really me. True story. Sometimes the internet is misguided. I try not to judge it. Sometimes humans are misguided. I most definitely judge them.

  97. Google search typos. That’s the only explanation I can come up with. Because the p0rn one skeeves me out.

  98. My cat continually asks, does my tail look big in these hot pants? The tragic thing is she is a Manx cat. Worse than that, she just can’t work them hotpants sister. Represent!

  99. 20 lb. cats don’t wear t-shirts for fuck’s sake! They wear bow ties and the look very distinguished in them! Get it together, People! Sheesh!

  100. Lots of 30 pound cats wear t-shirts, but not the most successful ones. Your average 30 pound cat prefers a monacle and cane, of course, but there are some that just refuse to be pigeonholed. These wear t-shirts, but always the kind they get free at conventions.

    I wear a white lab coat, so I know about these things.

  102. Re 30lb cats in shirts: I refer you to Christopher Moore’s amazing books, “You Suck” and “Bite Me”, wherein a 30 lb shaved cat wearing a sweater figures largely into the plot. You’re welcome.
    PS: Your work causes me to laugh to the point of incontinence.

  104. Now I want a t-shirt for me that says “Get this fucking t-shirt off me, you asshole.”

  107. (Late to the party as usual)

    I was just reading my google search terms to hubby the other night. He has changed his opinion of me. Fascinating.

  108. If you ever find the answer to the question, could you let me know. I cant not know .. now that you’ve brought it up.

  109. Pingback: Just say no. — TheBloggess.com

  110. For a while, I was getting some quite pervy searches – “naked kids sleeping” was the most common. They’ve just gotten weird now… most common? “”young living” purification “Pickle bucket”” (all one search), then “dads sons noogies wedgies”, and “ex-wives on boats”. Of these things, the only one I’ve written about is pickle buckets!

  113. I don’t understand the search terms I get either… Lately I just get a load of variations of “old people fucking their pets” and “hot fat ass”. It all started when I posted something about an annoying old woman…. and it went seriously downhill from there.

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