Why, yes, actually. I *am* kind of phoning it in.

This week I’m staying by myself in a haunted hotel to force myself to finish my book (I swear, it will actually worth it) so once again I am leaning on my friend Lisa G to provide guest posts this week (which, as always, are stolen entirely from her old text messages and status updates).  I owe her several beers and a donkey.  Mano is her husband.  Tigo is her son.  She is awesome.

Obscure texts from Lisa:

  • I hate it when people post stuff, telling me what to post. Post this as your facebook status if you love America and don’t believe in eating puppies.
  • Revenge of the dying print industry: It is really hard to wrap christmas lights around rolled-up digital newspapers.
  • My goal for the new year is to create an aura of learned helplessness around myself that makes everyone want to do stuff for me.
  • I don’t judge people unless they are inconveniencing or annoying me. Then, of course, they are on the wrong side of things, not me.
  • In other words, have a gay pride parade, just don’t let it block my progress to the mall.
  • And also, don’t wear one of those tiny phones in your ear while you are walking around. It makes me think you are talking to me.
  • When people ask why we only have one child, I sometimes wonder myself, “Yeah, why don’t we have at least three other kids in this place who can’t find their shoes?”
  • Christmas decorating.  I spend 20 minutes untangling a string of plastic icicles while Mano realizes that the ornaments we bought do not come with hooks. Have they always not come with hooks? What kind of system is this?? Next, they will start selling us cars with no tires. “Yeah… sorry, you actually want to connect the car to the road? The tires come separate.”
  • Sometimes, it is not about being compensated for your time. Sometimes, you want people to leave you alone for free.
  • Dear person with religious bumper stickers on your car, driving like a maniac: Just because you are all set for the afterlife doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go right now.
  • Am I set in my ways because I refuse to buy the latest technology in fabric softener?
  • Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn’t insanity, it’s optimism.
  • If you can’t say something nice, don’t say something nice.
  • Dear yoga instructor: Quit telling me when to breathe. My body knows when it needs air.
  • How can AT&T be selling us both the phone that we are addicted to and phone that will save us from addiction to the phone? Is this like that star-bellied sneeches thing?
  • Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor Liberty to purchase power. The exchange rate is terrible. Sell your invention of a wearable blanket for wealth, then use that to purchase power.
  • Everyone… PLEASE STOP SCREAMING. Oh wait…. it’s me.
  • Tigo is getting to be such a good reader. I almost feel bad about already knowing how ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ ends.
  • Observed Tigo’s class today. Apparently, according to first graders, you can show people you care simply by not shoving or kicking them. Hallmark is going to go out of business.
  • If haven’t kicked or shoved you today, know that I care. One the other hand, if I have, please keep your distance in the future.

87 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Maybe Hallmark could go into the business of selling little cushions that go over the tips of your shoes, to monetize that middle ground between kicking people and not kicking them.

    Like

    Jon recently posted Minnesota teaparty candidate makes interesting campaign promise.

  2. I will be saving some of these for the epitaph on my headstone…

    Like

    Misfit Mommy recently posted Mothers Day for the Behaviorally Challenged.

  3. I wish Lisa was my friend

    Like

    Caitlin recently posted Holding On.

  4. Please text me. I need your wisdom in my stream.

    Like

    juliejulie recently posted Mother’s Day Cookie Walk.

  5. I’m so glad you brought Lisa G to the twitter so we can all now share in her amazing gems of wisdom.

    Like

    Kay Bee recently posted Theres Life Beyond MacDos.

  6. ah… delightful. SO AGREE with the 1st one that I NEVER repost those bullying messages: if you love your spouse/cat/mother/daughter/country/lungs repost this. KISS MY resistant-to-your-obvious-emotional-manipulation-crap fanny. I also love when people post stuff about outrageous political things people do/say and complain about it and that person’s/party’s desire for attention at all costs. BY REPOSTING IT YOU’VE JUST EXTENDED the conversation and CONTINUED the attention to said person/party. duh. =) BTW the title of today’s post made me laugh out loud. THANKS!!! xo

    Like

    biobabbler recently posted woo-hoo! Biobabbler is a weiner @ a GREAT blog.

  7. This is the kind of potential Charlie Sheen could achieve if he wasn’t clinically insane or, you know, himself.

    Like

    moooooog35 recently posted Wrapping up the Week - Mothers Day- 2011.

  8. My hubby also hates the “re-post this” Facebook statuses. Sometimes his status simply says “re-post this.”

    Like

    Jess recently posted The Last Time.

  9. I always feel like I’ve been as good as I am going to get when I resist the urge to shove and kick people. The first graders are on to something, there.

    Like

    Betty Fokker recently posted Thoughts on Trolls Do they all have little jewels in their bellies.

  10. I think anyone with an ear bud is a douche. They just look douchey.

    Like

    Carmen recently posted The Shit Incident.

  11. you are always great!!!

    Can’t stop laughing… 🙂

    Like

    mominrome recently posted First rule- be practical.

  12. I totally agree about the yoga instructor not needing to tell me when to breath. For all my lack of grace in the yoga studio, forgetting the whole inhalation/inhalation thing has never been my problem.

    In other yoga news – it turns out it is possible to sprain/strain toes in yoga class. Specifically the two toes closest to the little toe. Because they are apparently not designed to support the majority of your body weight while defying gravity with the rest of your body. Remain unclear why only the left toes have had this structural failure, white the right toes seem just fine. Maybe I have super powered right toes? And if so, how can I abuse (or at least use) this newly revealed power? So far internet searches have been unhelpful…

    Like

    Wooden Monkey recently posted I can no longer tell the difference between fashion- insanity- or lycanthropy.

  13. When I see people with tiny little phones, I think they’re one of the Borg.

    But then, in my family, we have geek competitions instead of brunch.

    Like

    Lori recently posted Spandex Hates Tall People.

  14. What a wise.. wise … twisted woman. I like it !

    Like

    Holly B recently posted Waking Up With Alice Cooper.

  15. Oh yes. These will be quoted.

    Like

    Phoenix Talon recently posted Return to the Labyrinth Volume 3.

  16. Just followed her on twitter, probably #7 in my top 10 decisions. Also I hope the Christmas related texts/updates are from December, not May. Although, that would make them more ridiculous…

    Like

    Geoffrey recently posted Social Norms stifle Self Expression.

  17. And also..

    “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn’t insanity, it’s optimism” has been my personal philosophy since I was 14. Just ask the senior I…well, let’s not say “stalked” because that’s tacky…for the better part of high school.

    Lisa clearly “gets” me.

    Like

    Lori recently posted Spandex Hates Tall People.

  18. It’s Monday so I am all for phoning it in. Actually, I’m for phoning it in any day it seems at this point. It maybe my style “mid-life” crisis.

    Like

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Oh You- Internet- How Did You Know.

  19. I think Lisa could become a millionaire by dispensing her wisdom in all available formats. Then she would not need to invent a new wearable blanket to purchase her power.

    Like

    Sarah recently posted There Comes a Time.

  20. I completely agree with Lisa G. about the parades. Parades are such liars. They go around under the guise of “we’re just so happy to be us, we’re going to walk in a line through the streets and wave signs” but what they really mean is, “Take notice of us or we will screw up your entire commute. In fact, we will do that anyway.”

    I hate parades.

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Accept no substitutes.

  21. I can’t get enough of her! She cracks me the fuck up!

    Like

    Brandy recently posted You Really Can Find ANYTHING In Miniature.

  22. What if we invented cards that were spring loaded to hit, for when you wantto show that you DON’T care

    Like

    tova recently posted The most tolerant man EVER.

  23. Lisa G. is my new hero. Sorry, Jenny, I adore you, I really do. But–good gravy–that Lisa is on FIRE.

    Like

    Amy recently posted In Which Amy Ponders Labels and James McAvoy.

  24. #1 – I love the Sneeches!

    #2 – The last two remind me of my husband, who finds is difficult to say, “I love you.” Instead, he told me that every time he farts, I should consider it his way of telling me how much he cares for me. Aww…the romance!

    Like

  25. Does Lisa have a twitter she can send this shit to? Must have more. Make her. Threaten to kill a puppy. Give her meth. Whatever it takes. Her Dear Yoga and Dear religious bumper sticker literally had me holding back urine.

    Like

    John B recently posted Childhood Trauma- Part VIII - Walmart Xanax.

  26. Anyone who knows what a Star-Bellied Sneech is is aces in my book!

    Like

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted PITAs And Hall &amp Oats And Monkeys- Oh My.

  27. I suppose that i should be impressed that somehow, you have managed to save THREE posts worth of updates, statuses and text messages from one person.

    I can’t even find my own statuses, no less someone else’s.

    THAT IS ALL…

    Like

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which i celebrate my kids.

  28. I’m guessing that you’re hiding out in Gruene again, but I might be wrong so I’ll just keep that between us. And I want Lisa G to text me, too. I’m pretty sure it’s not hard to add a bunch of recipients to a text. Oh, wait – that’s what Twitter does. Never mind.

    Like

    Jami recently posted Sharing is caring.

  29. Lisa’s on to something with this one…

    “My goal for the new year is to create an aura of learned helplessness around myself that makes everyone want to do stuff for me.”

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Dogs of Fortune.

  30. Those who stopped breeding after one spawn totally have thier heads on straight when it comes to the whole shoes/socks thing. Those of us who kept at it are so screwed.

    Like

    That Uncomfortable Itch recently posted A date with Jesus or My Friend the Nun.

  31. These are Great!! Man I wish my friends were as funny as your Lisa. Can she be my friend too? Or at least send me these random texts also? 🙂

    Like

  32. Even your friends are funnier than mine. My friends really need to step up their game.
    And why are you staying in a haunted hotel to finish your book? You don’t even write horror fiction. That would be like me staying at my mother-in-laws to finish my book. Wait…that would be scary. You’re a genius! Thanks for the idea!

    ♥Spot

    Like

    Spot recently posted The one where I interview Claudia Lefeve- Author and Super Woman.

  33. At least you’re phoning it in. I just took the damn phone off the hook.

    And I’m very adept at the learned helplessness thing. It comes in very handy with things like mowing the lawn.

    Like

    Rachel recently posted How am I supposed to know these things.

  34. “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn’t insanity, it’s optimism.”

    I agree whole-heartedly!!! I am always imploring optimisim!! Lisa is hilarious!

    Like

    DarkPinkSide recently posted I made a mistake.

  35. This book that you’re writing? It’s going to be EPIC. I can’t wait to get my grubby little fingers on it. May your progress remain unimpeded by crazy internet memes. Hallelujah, amen, and jazz hands.

    Like

    Chelsie recently posted How to mend a broken heart- and five other things I learned from my mother.

  36. PREACH IT… I can’t stand it when someone tells me what to post on FB…. Am I supposed to be guilted into posting whatever you believe in or I am going to burn in Hell?!

    Lisa is still awesome. Hope the book is coming along… Or at least you’re having fun being haunted… take pics…

    Like

    Dana recently posted Mothers Day Is Already Half Way Gone- Have You Broken Up Any Fights Yet.

  37. I’ll be ordering the book when it goes on pre-sale.

    As for Lisa – I love her too!

    Like

    Melissa recently posted Moved.

  38. Don’t get too busy drink wine slushees to finish your book. You’re there to work after all. At least wait til 11 am to start drinking every day. That’s my motto.

    Like

  39. Lisa almost stole the spotlight off the fact that YOU are in a HAUNTED hotel.

    Damn Lisa.

    But I really love her, so now I feel bad…but not….can I just sign up to have these randomly texted to me throughout the day? Can I steal Lisa’s friendship? Don’t be so selfish Jenny. Seriously.

    Like

    Mesina recently posted Freaking Karma.

  40. I think this may be right up your alley for your next house!

    http://all-that-is-interesting.com/post/4956385434/the-first-zombie-proof-house

    Like

    Courtney recently posted Im Back!.

  41. My favorite is, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything nice.”

    Like

    Rico Swaff recently posted The Top 10 Strangest Google Searches that Led People to The Chronicles of Rico in April 2011.

  42. “Just because you are all set for the afterlife doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go right now. ”
    Holy shit, that is both deeply philosophical and hilarious at the same time. I bow to the master. Thank you Lisa.

    Like

    Julie the Wife recently posted Happy Mothers Day.

  43. My favorite:

    When people ask why we only have one child, I sometimes wonder myself, “Yeah, why don’t we have at least three other kids in this place who can’t find their shoes?”

    I have one. My sister has four. Whenever she starts to complain about any of them, I stop her and simply say,”You wanted ’em all…”

    Like

    The Queer Next Door recently posted Im Crazy- Arent You.

  44. I thought if a little boy shoved or kicked you it meant he loved you, now if he doesn’t, it means he loves you, WTF do boys like me or not? So confused!

    Like

    Kdwbellea recently posted Happy Mothers Day!.

  45. And why IS fabric softener becoming so hi-tech? Why do I need the deodarant-looking stick thing with the peel off sticker? I just bought a new dryer; I don’t want it internally defaced.

    Like

    Phoenix Rising recently posted Why Some Mothers Eat Their Young.

  46. I think it’s cool how she encourages her son’s reading skills by not telling him how “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” ends. She’s not like some parents who make it way too easy on their kids.

    Like

    Jacqui recently posted Yo Mama Is So….

  47. One of you two must be contagious – you have the same wonderfully twisted sense of humor.

    Like

    Kernut the Blond recently posted I Want Me Some Navy SEAL.

  48. I would eat a puppy if I had to. But I would not like it.

    Like

    Fred MIller recently posted Onions and Fabric Softener.

  49. Yeah, selling Christmas ornaments without hooks is like selling hotdogs and hamburger meat without buns. Why??? It’s not like you’re going to eat a naked hotdog or hamburger patty.

    Like

  50. Ahaha! Love her! Sadly, I need them to tell me when to breathe. I forget.
    If you are staying at The Stanley in Estes Park email me and I will totally ditch my kids for an evening and drive up to buy you a drink!

    Like

    Johi recently posted Mothers Day Weekend Beautification Phase 1.

  51. mmm puppies

    Like

    Fiona recently posted Annie’s Last Paper Not Coming Out.

  52. I’m with all those other people, I wish Lisa was my friend too.

    Like

    CatZilla recently posted Yeah- Were Dumb.

  53. I wish my friend’s texted like this… instead they text from the toilet and threaten to text a pic as proof. And by they I mean we.. okay I really mean me.

    Like

    Leila (Don't Speak Whinese) recently posted Camping- Family Bonding and Karate Kid.

  54. Is this person on twitter? Why isn’t this person on twitter so I can STAR these???

    Like

  55. I sometimes think that insanity and optimism are the same thing. At my house, anyway.

    Like

    Brenna recently posted Heres looking at you- kid.

  56. seems a funny time of year to be so involved with Christmas decorations, or is that just me?

    Like

    Mrs. Tuna recently posted Happy Cinco Moth-irth-sary.

  57. I don’t believe in eating puppies. That sounds terrible.

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted I miss girlie sleepovers.

  58. Awesome, made me wish I:
    1. Came up with those quotes on my own or;
    2. Had my very own “Lisa G.” to provide free, witty entertainment to thousands while simultaneously increasing my readership, be my bestie and making sure to call me in the haunted motel to make sure I’m not dead (Helloo? Didn’t you ever see 1408? Really, really scary. You should get it on pay-per-view. Your haunted motel has that, right?).

    Like

    yvonne@attracted to shiny things recently posted Happy Freakin Mothers Day.

  59. 59
    Stephanie Smirnov

    Is wrapping xmas lights around rolled-up newspapers a thing? I had no idea.

    Like

    Stephanie Smirnov recently posted Matryoshka Monday- Vertigo Edition.

  60. I have always thought the print industry was going to get us back for thinking the internet was better than them. Clearly, it has started. Thank you, Lisa, for alerting us to the beginning of the attack. I won’t be turning my back on any of my free magazines anytime soon….

    Like

    Shockingly the Same recently posted Its Delicious Really.

  61. I must now make your friend Lisa G. into my friend Lisa G. These need to be in a book somewhere!

    Like

    Jean C. recently posted My friendsalso known as The Peanut Gallery.

  62. Stephanie, I didn’t know about the lights/newspaper thing either, but my tree has it’s own lights attached so I’m just not going to know about it. I’m OK with that.

    Like

    Brenna recently posted Heres looking at you- kid.

  63. I need to know what a star bellied sneech is.

    Like

    Bridget recently posted Under the Cave is the Water- and Under the Water is a Deeper Cave.

  64. “Everyone… PLEASE STOP SCREAMING. Oh wait…. it’s me.”

    I have this moment All. The. Time.

    Seriously.

    And also, I can’t stand people that insinuate I believe in eating puppies just because I won’t repost their stupid crap.

    Go Lisa G.!

    Like

    Brooke Farmer recently posted The end is near- My last week in Oz.

  65. So are you staying in the kind of haunted hotel Jack Nickolson stayed in in the Shining, or is it more like Hotel California and all Sado-Masochy and stuff?
    Anyway, good luck with your deadline. Looking forward to your book on Gardenias. That IS what it’s about, isn’t it?

    BTW could you post something soon about how much you love America? Thanks.

    Like

  66. Hmmm… sounds like you’ve discovered that the Snuggie people are hosting a (possibly) violent world take-over. We are doomed, but at least we’ll be cozy.

    Like

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Hello Mania Its Been Too Long.

  67. You can store Christmas lights wrapped around newspaper swords?

    I just throw them in a box to get all tangled so the husband can have a project every year.

    Huh. Better keep this under wraps.

    Like

    Suniverse recently posted Its Not as Dirty as It Sounds Swear.

  68. this is my favorite: “sometimes, it is not about being compensated for your time. Sometimes, you want people to leave you alone for free”

    not you people, of course. Misanthropes and maniacs are always welcome.

    Like

    LA Juice recently posted Did you just say “meow” No Officer- I said- “Scoreboard”.

  69. ahhh the rules of life…🙂

    Like

  70. Phoning it in is acceptable when you are doing something as important as writing this book which will be essential to the library of anyone with a brain. And probably some without, don’t want to exclude them. You are doing IMPORTANT WORK, Jenny, don’t let anyone tell you you’re not.
    Also, if you find some real evidence of hauntings, please share it, because I haven’t seen anything convincing at all. You’d think with all the fancy new cameras and the fact that everyone and their dog has one that we’d have seen something somewhat reasonably evidencial, but either ghosts are sneaky bastards or maybe they’re just made up. Still fun though, to get freaked out by old spooky places. If I become a ghost when I die though I am going to do way more fun things than wander around moaning. I want to be the ghost that pisses people off. I want to hide keys and change computer passwords and move stuff around at night so you trip over the coffee table. Awesome.

    Like

    Madfishmonger recently posted Vintage Brown Velvet Beret.

  71. Always wonderful to have great friends who know how to tell it! Brilliant. Good luck with the writing.

    Like

    jeane recently posted Working on cars brings the great escape….

  72. It’s impossible to “get” all of these on the first try. I must disagree with her on one point – if I haven’t shoved or kicked someone today, it’s because I DON’T care…enough to muster the energy to shove or kick them. I’m not shoving or kicking my co-w*rkers right now, but it’s not for any lack of apathy.

    Otherwise, Lisa G. is spot on as always. I love how many of these are Christmas themed! She should do a page-a-day calendar.

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Lets Learn Science! Nature vs Nurture vs Horrifying Genetic Accidents.

  73. Star-bellied Sneeches?????????????????????

    Like

  74. Gramps – They have bellies with stars. Plain bellied sneetches have none upon thars.

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Lets Learn Science! Nature vs Nurture vs Horrifying Genetic Accidents.

  75. we need a daily inspirational calendar with these phrases. i’d buy it.

    Like

    steph gas recently posted one door opens- another slams shut in my fucking face.

  76. I know that I’m supposed to be all witty and stuff in your comments, but really I just love that she dropped star-bellied sneeches in her analogy.

    Like

    Alex@LateEnough recently posted My Son Is A Mastermind Heading To The Dark Side If The Dark Side Happens To Have Angry Birds.

  77. There’s a “latest” technology in fabric softener? I can’t imagine my fabrics being any softer than they already are. Must investigate.

    Like

    Bejewell recently posted Words I’ve Added to the User Dictionary Since I Got My New Smartphone Last Week.

  78. Everyone please stop screaming… Oh wait it’s me… classic, I feel that way all the time… and add in… Everyone pls stop driving wildly and rushing through orange lights at intersections while expecting everyone else to get the hell out of the way… oh wait that’s me too…

    Like

    Brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted I Do- Big Gay Wedding On Greys Anatomy.

  79. That fb “post this as your status if you want to make a meaningless and sheeplike gesture” makes me want to pull someone’s head off. I thought it was just me.

    Like

    puncuredbicycle recently posted Feeling sorry For myself- that is.

  80. I am now planning on asking my husband to change hisname to “Mano.” As well as seeing if both my sons will consider changing theirs to “Tigo.” How cool are those names??!!

    Like

    "Susan Says..." recently posted The Balloon of Terror.

  81. Those texts are hysterical. Your friend has a wicked sense of humor. I have five kids. When one ends up shoeless at the mall, I just say – hey – the others managed, didn’t they?

    Like

    Alison Shuman recently posted Painting Cabinet Doors- How To Do a Lot of Them Fast.

  82. Good. I was hoping you would write a book! Maybe you can show me how to “market” oneself without being disgusting….it always gives me pause.

    Like

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  83. Hi Lisa! Small world eh? Love that your standing in. Perfect fit! Enjoyed the random texts sent to J. – ShaneSean

    Like

  84. my friends send me really lame texts in comparison.
    “when are you getting here?” just isn’t fucking funny!

    Like

    Calliope recently posted Coca Cola Salad.

  85. In my line of work I will SO be using this saying over and over again.
    Dear person with religious bumper stickers on your car…..
    Thank you!

    Like

    One Girl Trucking recently posted Women in Trucking.

  86. My favorite! “Dear person with religious bumper stickers on your car, driving like a maniac: Just because you are all set for the afterlife doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go right now.” Now I know how to align myself w/that good life should I want a boooost!
    Are these real text messages? so great, my kind of convo.

    Like

    stephey: Marked by the Muse™ recently posted A Key Mistake cost me my car- How learning trust is a pricey lesson.

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