I should probably rename this blog “The Lisa” for the week

Still working on my book (last two chapters due in a week) so once again, I have another round of random text messages and status updates that my very odd and fabulously entertaining friend (Lisa G) has sent.  I plan on paying her back with the second chupacabra I ever capture.

Deep thoughts from Lisa:

I used to get irritated when people would say, ‘This is Ameerca’, leaving the middle of the word ‘America’ out completely. Now I realize they do it as a warning, alerting you that the next statements coming out of their mouth will be both obnoxious and belligerent.

I am glad they cut the funds for the better street signs. We don’t need street signs anymore now that we can all look at google maps while we’re driving.

I was thinking of the James Bond movie, “The World is Not Enough.” Suddenly it struck me as extremely ungrateful.

The world is enough. It is plenty. Thank you.

Bought a live squid at the Mexican market. I am now training it to predict the future.

If you keep shouting like that, you’ll get big muscles all over your face.

My mom cracks me up when she says things like, “I’ve never been around kids that much.”   Uh… you had TWO of them.

You can’t make a sandwich without bread. I don’t care WHAT they are doing at KFC. It isn’t right.

I wonder what the Chilean miners think of the tragedy of cruise ship passengers trapped at sea eating sandwiches.

Everyone likes to think the meaning of life is this big important thing, but I have a sneaking feeling it’s just potato chips.

I can’t keep up with high-energy people early in the morning. Or ever, really.

Geico needs a new ad agency. I am going to post some job descriptions on Career Builder for them.

What can selflessness do for ME?

Why do people sing ‘take me out to the ballgame,” when they are already at the ballgame?

I read that men in prison gain weight without realizing it because those bright orange prison jumpsuits do not have waistbands. Which leads us to diet tip number one: Avoid wearing prison jumpsuits.

Just noticed that this Friday is National Mammography Day. Wouldn’t the declaration of this day put unnecessary strain on mammographers? They must be swamped this week.

Feel like I suck at everything today. I don’t even think I am converting oxygen to carbon dioxide properly.

I hope you will all purchase my new self-help book, Indifference. It will change your life but you won’t care.

Dogs are like kids that you can leave home alone at night without CPS finding out and getting all pissed off about it.

The weather lady said that the day is going to be “oppressive”. Prepare yourselves.

Texans don’t take the concept of hell seriously because every year we live through August.

How long do I have to take heroin before I can go into rehab? I figure that should keep me inside for at least the rest of the summer.

I wonder how Lindsay is doing in prison. I should probably give her a call.

We were in Kroger’s yesterday and Tigo wanted a snack. He wanted $30 fruit and cheese tray, but it seemed over-priced, so I made him get a donut. Then I thought… it IS hard for the disadvantaged to make good food choices. Then I thought… OMG, I’m disadvantaged!

I want to become famous so I can publish my diary, making people read it in search of something deep and meaningful they will never, ever find.

Never walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge them. People get really mad when you borrow their things without asking.

The future isn’t what it used to be.

I have been instructed by a website to dissolve all my prescription pain relievers into kitty litter before I throw them away. This way, I can save the people waiting by my trashcan to steal them from using them improperly. Humans are weird.

Maybe people digging through trash deserve to have their vicodin untainted by kitty litter.

In order to take your lunch to work, you must transport the food items in the car with you. It is not as effective to pack them up and then leave them sitting on the table.

Went to a party at the house across the street… 3 piñatas! Clearly these are people who know a good time.

72 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Agreed. James Bond *is* extremely ungrateful.

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted I love the smell of rotting hair.

  2. So. I live in Indiana, where often times people say “I am Amur’can,” or “I only buy Amur’can.”

    Except to my (filthy-minded) ears, it ALWAYS sounds like “A merkin.”

    If you google it, please know that I am sorry. Sort of.

    Like

    Kelly recently posted Shower thoughts.

  3. Lisa is fucking hilarious. My favorite? The one about becoming famous and publishing her meaningless diary. Good stuff.

    Like

    pauline recently posted The Christian Mama’s Guide meets Aspiring Mama.

  4. I have no idea who Lisa is. But I’m now on a quest to FIND out.

    Like

  5. I have to say that there is some objectionable punctuation in some of these texts.

    Like

    Pablo recently posted 37-Year-Old Woman Admits to Looking 37.

  6. Kelly, it sounds exactly the same to my ears. I pointed it out to a Marylander friend of mine, who was ever-after extremely careful to say Am-ER-ican😀 … after she had made a trip to the dictionary. How did I even know that word?!

    Like

    Kate @ UpsideBackwards recently posted Another reader.

  7. Wish someone told the State of Massachusetts about Google Maps…they just spent several million dollars replacing all our perfectly good mile markers with larger, easier to read ones. Maybe for people who decide not wearing thier glasses when they drive is better than looking like a geek (like me)? Or perhaps for all the drunks whose vision gets as fuzzy as thier speech?

    Like

    Cheryl recently posted Caution- Under Construction!.

  8. OMG, I just googled a “merkin”. I hope someone says American like that just so I can tell them what they are referring to.

    Very funny stuff!

    Like

    Fairly Odd Mother recently posted Mothers Day- With or without the kids.

  9. Thanks for the Saturday night entertainment. P.S. Can’t wait to buy your book!

    Like

    Marisa @ I failed math. recently posted Michael Keaton doesnt kidnap babies Im almost positive.

  10. I agree with Southern state summers synonymous with hell. Can I say how happy I am we moved from Georgia to Colorado too many times? I think not. Especially come August.

    Like

    Jessica recently posted operation- happy marriage.

  11. *being synonymous with hell. Obviously, the idea of the heat is enough to affect my ability to write a coherent sentence.

    Like

    Jessica recently posted operation- happy marriage.

  12. 12
    Ninja Mom

    “The future isn’t what it used to be.” My favorite this round.

    You’ve just revealed that “Lisa” is really Yogi Bera.

    Love these posts.

    First runner up: “. . . OMG, I’m disadvantaged!”

    Like

    Ninja Mom recently posted Super Ninja Twin Mom- I will save the day as soon as the kids are napping.

  13. I *knew* it was all about the potato chips!

    Like

    Becky recently posted I Lead the League in….

  14. Wait… who the hell has access Vicodin to throw away? Be realistic here, Lisa!

    Like

  15. heh, that shouldn’t be access, it should be excess. I’m going to bed now. It’s been a long week.

    Like

  16. “I read that men in prison gain weight without realizing it because those bright orange prison jumpsuits do not have waistbands. Which leads us to diet tip number one: Avoid wearing prison jumpsuits.”

    Don’t they wear underpants? This concerns me.

    Like

    Brenna recently posted How am I still sane.

  17. Having moved from The Frozen Tundra, I will put forth that I believe if Hell were really to be frightening, it would be COLD. And like Minnesota. Because Texas in August is not the misery of Minnesota in February. I will forever be grateful to have escaped the frozen Hell to bake my buns eternally Just South of Nowhere!

    Like

    MsDarkstar recently posted Life Labyrinth.

  18. Texans don’t understand the concept of Hell because they live there all year long. At least, that’s what my professors at the University of Oklahoma taught me.

    Like

    Chelsie recently posted Come hither- minions….

  19. I can’t remember if you’ve already told us, but does Lisa Tweet?
    oh, and the take me out to the ballgame one? awesome! they all are really.
    Get that book done missy!

    Like

    Sarcasm in Action recently posted How I Single-handedly Cancelled the Rapture OR- At Least Guaranteed My Spot in Heaven to Avoid the Ensuing Chaos.

  20. “The future isn’t what it used to be.” This is the kind of thought-process that keeps me up at night. I’ll have to drink some more wine in order to recover. Thanks, Lisa!

    Like

    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer recently posted News From The Internets Foremost Expert On Locusts.

  21. I should reserve judgment before reading the next sentence. I was momentarily unhappy about my cat scratching around a drug-laden litterbox. After. After.

    Like

  22. Texans don’t take the concept of hell seriously because every year we live through August.

    This made me laugh out loud. Because it’s true. I think if I’m very bad in this life, I’ll be stuck here in August for all eternity. Without air conditioning, but with Oncor endlessly telling me to please hang on, because my call is important to them. So, technically, I’ve already been to hell.

    Like

    Lisa recently posted Ladies &amp Gentlemen….

  23. I would totally read Jen’s autobiography. And Lisa’s autobiography. And I would search for meaning. And I would find it.

    Like

  24. Also, a merkin. LOLOLOL.

    Like

    Em recently posted Tentatively Pleased.

  25. I want a chupacabra. Or a chalupa. Or a colonic cleansing.

    Maybe all of them. Whatever.

    Like

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Blogger Intimidation.

  26. “Feel like I suck at everything today. I don’t even think I am converting oxygen to carbon dioxide properly.”
    This is how I’ve been feeling since last week, I just haven’t been able to put it into words like Lisa. I’ve mostly been saying “fuck this shit”.

    Someone needs to come up with a Lisa translator device that you can speak into and when the words aren’t coming out the way you want, just press the Lisa button.

    Like

    Elle recently posted Where’s Doogie Howser when I need him I’d even take Doc Baker but I can’t trade his services for homemade jam or live chickens- unless he wouldn’t mind the bag of chocolate that I left on the counter above the dishwasher that’s all melty.

  27. “I want to become famous so I can publish my diary, making people read it in search of something deep and meaningful they will never, ever find.”
    I love this one!

    Like

    Johi recently posted A Friday Night Photo.

  28. And here I thought I was the only one who thinks in disjointed bursts of insanity. All Hail Princess Lisa, minion of the Queen Bloggess!

    Like

    Jean C. recently posted The Guide to Bad Baby Names.

  29. A wise, wise lady.

    Like

    Leta Aran recently posted Taking the Fun Out of Tonguing.

  30. Lisa is a freaking genius, not only for her brilliant statements, but for her plot to gain a following with little to no effort on her part. Just who is whose minion here?

    Like

    Handflapper recently posted It’s the end of the world as we know it And I feel fine No- that can’t be right .

  31. My FIL says “Amur’can”. And I just googled “merkin”. I will never be able to look at the man the same again. Lisa, look what you’ve started!

    Like

  32. Now I am going to throw a party and it is going to be INSIDE a motherfucking pinata. I am THAT hard core.

    Like

    Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted she died today.

  33. Can Lisa be my friend too? I hope to be as witty as her when I grow up.

    Like

    Nicole recently posted Happy F&amp-king Mothers Day.

  34. Actually, I hear that kitty litter is an awesome high.

    Like

    Jon recently posted 1971 Canadian Evolution Video.

  35. I have to say that it’s going to be great to have you back on here one day but in the meantime, you’ve chosen some pretty badass Hold music to keep us on the line. Good luck writing. Can’t wait to read it.

    Like

    Margaret Goerig recently posted I only just washed the cement out of my hair.

  36. you should be Lisa’s PR rep.
    and the merkin comment …. BWA HAHAHAHAHA!

    Like

  37. Lisa is going to have her own book deal by the end of the week.

    Like

    Stacey recently posted Chemistry.

  38. Conversation with myself:

    Me: Two weeks! Her book is done in two weeks!
    Myself: Um, you realize this doesn’t mean you get to read it in two weeks.
    Me: Damn!

    Like

    Wooden Monkey recently posted I won’t be running because I’m broken Also- I’m an idiot.

  39. First off to who suggested there is not underwear under the prison jumpsuits FABULOUS and very distrubing now I can’t get it out of my mind, sigh 10:20 on a Sunday and my week is shot thanks to this mental image. SIGH

    Like

    Kimmy recently posted How 2 be a fairy ruffian.

  40. “Bought a live squid at the Mexican market. I am now training it to predict the future.”

    It’ll totally work. You just need to devise a way for Squido to share his visions with you. And bribe him appropriately, so he won’t just fuck with you by revealing the “wrong” answers when it suits him. Squids can be assholes like that.

    Like

    toni in florida recently posted Knitting post to follow… eventually.

  41. Is Kelly on twitter? If so, please share her handle. If not, please, please, tell her to join. Share the hilarity.

    Like

  42. Vicodin piñatas.

    Like

    Fred Miller recently posted In the Future.

  43. 43
    Barbara from Dorchester MA

    It was an octopus that predicted who was going to win the World’s Cup, not a squid. Good luck anyway.

    Like

  44. I hope you will all purchase my new self-help book, Indifference. It will change your life but you won’t care. – HILARIOUS!

    Like

  45. dammit left sitting on the sidelines again. we use that “world’s best” corn cat liter, if we dissolve the drugs in the liter, someone can still eat it.

    Like

    LA Juice recently posted Impossibility is for Chumps.

  46. Oh sure, you’ll give her the 2nd chupacabra you ever catch…not the first…gawd, you are so selfish Jenny.

    Lee

    Like

    Lee recently posted Tim Needs A New Wedding Band! Any Suggestions.

  47. LOL!

    What is this book? Sh*t My Friend Lisa Says?

    Like

  48. Stop making me want to move to Texas!

    Like

  49. She should name the octopus Paul and send out press releases that he didn’t really die. It would save a lot of tests and vetting for him.
    Those Zener cards are a bitch.

    Like

  50. And NEVER EVER take him to Sweden. I watched the Muppets. That chef chops EVERYTHING

    Like

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted Y’know- I’ll Ask A….

  51. I just asked someone yesterday how you would know whether you were converting oxygen to carbon dioxide correctly or not. I KNEW there was a way to get it wrong!

    Like

    Jacqui recently posted Whatever- Urban Dictionary….

  52. AMEN to August in Texas… However, we made the mistake of relocating to CT for a few years, and I will NEVER live in a cold place ever again. I am THAT damaged….

    Like

    Dana recently posted A Short Post SInce I Am Recovering From Something Awful.

  53. Can I please have the Chupacabra? I need it to throw in my asshole neighbor’s yard. They play mariachi music at 6:45am so loud on a SATURDAY morning that it sounds like the band is right outside my bedroom window. THEN they go in the front yard and talk so loud you can’t sleep. I call the cops, they do nothing. I figure that since they’re Mexican and all (we are the only white family in this neighborhood, unless you count my sort of Mexican husband who says they aren’t his people), finding a Chupacabra in their front yard with a note around it’s neck saying “Shut the fuck up or I kill you” might actually work. Dontcha think? Or maybe a pissed off unicorn?

    Like

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted And The Winner Is….

  54. You know, I can feel myself absorbing her wisdom. That is the real reason my jeans won’t zip today.

    Like

    Betty Fokker recently posted Osama Bin Laden’s gay porn.

  55. “Dogs are like kids that you can leave home alone at night without CPS finding out and getting all pissed off about it.”

    um. shit. And here I’ve been leaving the dog in charge of the kids. Oops.

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Fill in the Blank Friday.

  56. Dammit, Kelly, you are KILLING ME with the Merkin. YOU CAN’T UNSEE THAT.

    Also, Lisa, sometimes the deli people will give a child a free slice of cheese [which you can eat half of].

    Like

    Suniverse recently posted Blog of War - The Reckoning.

  57. Lisa should have her own blog! Friends don’t let friends blog for free.

    Like

    Arlee recently posted Signs That Spring Has Finally Sprung!.

  58. I love your “Lisa” posts!

    Like

    Shan recently posted Eight Days A Week.

  59. Sorry…but I’m having a bad week so I’m feeling a little persecuted about the “living in Texas” thing.

    I love it here. Y’all are fucking nuts.

    /recovering Californian

    Like

  60. So, I’m just wondering how it is that you have all of this to post? You either have the world’s greatest memory, or your phone has unlimited storage, or maybe you’ve just been journaling everything Lisa said in case this moment ever came? OMG, Jenny. Are you psychic?! Did you *know* you were going to be in need of an involuntary guest poster?

    I need four new tires because my “thread is dangerously low” or whatever the mechanic said. Can I please have the next winning lottery numbers? We’ll tots go halfsies!

    Like

    Marissa recently posted To Do 1.

  61. I wonder two things:
    What does Jenny think of the squid?
    and
    Did Jenny see this: http://thehairpin.com/2011/05/visiting-the-world-famous-gopher-hole-museum-in-alberta-canada yet?

    Like

    Kayly Newcomer recently posted The Night Before Day 1.

  62. Dear Lisa, please start texting me…I’ll DM you my phone number

    That is all

    Like

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which i forgot to re-enroll Daniel.

  63. Are pinatas still in?? Dang it, and I denied my 3 year old one for his birthday party…

    Like

  64. I would like to thank Lisa for an unexpected chuckle this morning! And I’d like to second the fact that hell can’t have anything on August in Texas.

    Like

  65. What is Lisa’s twitter name? I can’t seem to find her and I require her wisdoms.

    (It’s @lgalaviz. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Madfishmonger recently posted Vintage Brown Velvet Beret.

  66. “Everyone likes to think the meaning of life is this big important thing, but I have a sneaking feeling it’s just potato chips.”

    …and sushi.

    Like

    Naturally Alise recently posted artists and relationships….

  67. […] Just so everyone knows, The Bloggess has been posting blog posts that consist solely of her friend Lisa G’s texts and emails. And guess what. Lisa G is hysterical. Read the series here: 1, 2, 3. […]

    Like

  68. I believe that at least some of these are from sober Lisa. I would like to meet drinking Lisa on a patio for margaritas.

    Like

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Awesome Fucking Day.

  69. Many people have come up with the thought “The future isn’t what it used to be”. Probably because it is so true.
    @ Brenna, underpants stretch a lot… or maybe they wear merkins.

    Like

    cathy recently posted My Littlest Petshop Meets World of Warcraft.

  70. Your friend needs a blog. Don’t worry; we will still come visit you too!

    Like

  71. A) when is your book out? B) what is it called? C) are there others? and if so, what are they called D) you and Lisa may just be the funniest people on Earth. Keep it up! E) You could write a million books together of just this, and I would read them all!

    (Thanks! It’s called Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A mostly true memoir and it comes out next year. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Katie recently posted How Much Is This Going To Cost Me Now?.

  72. It is true that James Bond is ungrateful, the world is enough for me and I so much thankful to that to our creator, that is GOD.

    Like

    Jacob Smith recently posted Best Used Car to Buy.

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