I’m also getting a lot of spam insults from foreign robots. Which is sad, because this is probably going to put a lot of local trolls out of business.

Actual comment I just got:

“Your site looks very interesting to me. I found it doing a search for butt hairy woman.”

For the love of God, let that be spam.

****

And now, this week’s Shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here:

(Illustration courtesy of the lovely @MissMortis)

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

50 replies. read them below or add one

  1. My rule is any comment that doesn’t specifically address the post, AND isn’t from someone I know, is spam.

    I’ve had some bad ones…but I think yours takes the award.

    ShredderFeeder recently posted A good weekend….

  2. Wow … I’d take it as a compliment (but I’m a guy).

    Regarding Hailey’s comment to her dad, you’ll get lots more memory-material from your daughter’s comebacks (I got tons from my son). They’ll be gold.

    The Queer Next Door recently posted Taking Manhattan.

  3. I think I’ve gotten that same comment on my sexy blog (which I have clearly given up on updating- but the six posts on there are really hot- I *swear*).

    I want the stickers. I want Raptors stickers NOW. I want to put it on my car so that religious freaks will throw things at me.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Damn- man- you confuse the shit out of me.

  4. Have you ever considered making a career out of your cartoonish voice? People would be begging you to voice their characters! I know I WOULD!

    Aileth recently posted Just another crap idea.

  5. I’m choosing to believe that these non sequitors are from celebrities trying to send feedback discreetly to me. Read between the lines for your secret message. Someone likes your hair and your butt and looks for you. ::commence swooning::

    mrtl recently posted Obvious Girl is Obviously Obvious Boys Daughter.

  6. sorry about that. I meant to say hairy twot woman… my bad.

    RNTgirl Kirsten recently posted pick up trucks- gay pride- and tit crack.

  7. Oh my God! The brainwashing video is the best thing I have watched on the internet ever. The Ritalin was a nice touch. This makes me want to have more children just so I can think of things to brainwash them into believing. I could birth my own army.

    Except I hated being pregnant. I threw up the whole nine months. I would need to use a surrogate.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Damn- man- you confuse the shit out of me.

  8. It sounds like someone who doesn’t speak English to me. Or possibly a robot who is bored and surfing the internet, trying to learn more about humans.

    Tova recently posted Liesl and Liam.

  9. I like to spell things out on my windows with my little ponies.

  10. I am guessing that is a translation engine issue. Like, it meant to say butt ugly, but in some indonesian dialect, ugly also = hairy?
    I was trying to create Polish smut talk the other day and ran into the same issue. Like, did you know there’s no Polish equivalent of “quickie”?

    Bridget recently posted Spike Jonze Has Way Better Shoes Than You.

  11. Why would you want such an awesome search phrase to be spam?

    My search phrases aren’t nearly as interesting. Maybe I should diversify.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted I Want Me Some Navy SEAL.

  12. Is now a bad time to tell you that’s how I got here?

    Huh. I was wondering where all the butt hairy women were. Not here, it seems.

    False. Advertising.

    amanda recently posted Who Let Me Make a Human!.

  13. Yeah. I’ve nearly shut my comments down because I’m getting so many spam comments, I don’t have time to moderate them. I find it fascinating that the new spam trend is to insult blogs in broken English.

    Lisa Mills recently posted Work-at-Home- Reverse Mortgage Consultant Jobs with MetLife.

  14. I can’t decide if that comment would be better or worse if it’s not spam.

    Rachael recently posted 7 Quick Takes Friday- Blogger- Tiny Plants &amp Bookclub in Amazing Technicolor.

  15. OK, does it make me weird that I love how you sound? It’s so nice to listen to.

  16. Google tells me that my adorable spammers found me by searching “how to remove stick up husbands ass” and “natives that put sticks up their penis.” Never should have written about my husband’s kidney stones and his dick stick. Live and learn! Off to wax my hairy butt….

    mom-mom-mom recently posted Never Ever Ask- How Much Worse Can it Get.

  17. I want to buy everything in your shop ever.

    Jess recently posted I think I just made this blog sexier IF THATS EVEN POSSIBLE.

  18. Don’t worry, you sound like one of the cool cartoon characters that unexpectedly saves the world.

    Phoenix Talon recently posted I Slaughtered a Duckling.

  19. gotta love Google Search…you couldn’t make that shit up!

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which i work out next to my skeletal system.

  20. You have lovely butt hair. I truly believe it was no spam. Just divine intervention. Or something.

    Or maybe they were really trying to figure out what the fuck a chalupa is.

    Oh interwebz, how you confuse us…

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted MIA.

  21. I get spam comments, but none of them are similar to this one. So have you written about hairy butts and I missed that post??

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Just the Way I Am.

  22. OK, so I know you didn’t actually come up with that new fangled Pledge of Allegiance. But I think you could probably start a grassroots campaign and get it on the ballot for the next election season to propose changing the current pledge to this. Awesome.

    And I personally think Victor should let you make up all your windows like that because it’s *cool*.

    carolyn recently posted The Dog is Still Alive - Barely.

  23. Yeah, sorry about that butt hairy comment. It was me.

    But really, I don’t get as awesome spam bot comments at all. Mine spam comments are boring, just normal SEO crap and some gambling stuff. No hairy butt shout-outs.

    Also, am I the only man visiting your blog? There’s always like 17 million comments from women on your blog. Nada men. I even bookmarked your blog. Is that weird? I just think your stuff rocks, Jenny. Very good writing. And it’s even funny.

    Karri recently posted I still don’t know why birds hate me.

  24. pass along my name. i think i can help in the butt hair department.

    Simone recently posted Time is no relative of mine.

  25. Dear Jenny,

    I am never checking the google results for “butt hairy woman” again.

    Umm…not that I’d ever done that before.

    -Tony

    Tony Hunt recently posted A couple quick lessons for new bloggers….

  26. 26
    Bob spelled backwards

    I love your writing Jenny, and have read your columns for a couple of years. I enjoyed this post until I got to the last link you posted. I am so tired of people bashing the country and the people who love it. There is nothing wrong with raising children to be proud Americans. Oh, yes, let’s get rid of the Pledge of Allegiance, the Constitution, and all those damn rules, because Anarchy is the ultimate freedom.

  27. Is it better to found with the words “butt hairy woman” or “hairy butt woman”? Or does it even make a difference? It seems to me these are two different things and that the second one would be worse. But I could be wrong as I’m neither a butt hairy or a hairy butt expert.

    Jacqui recently posted This Is An Outrage….

  28. foreign spam is what’s ruining this great country.
    true dat.

    Sarcasm in Action recently posted At Long Last I Can Go Hiking and Get My Arm Trapped By a Boulder!.

  29. That’s not the worst comment ever. I once got a what seemed like legitimate comment outlining sexually explicity acts between Charlie Brown and Lucy. And when I clicked on the link (call me curious) it was porn, porn, and more porn. SHOCKER.

    Also, I think you should be able to do that to your windows, but maybe instead of army men you should use pez dispensers. I think that’d be better.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Evil bastard death bird is killing my buzz.

  30. Hopefully you can chalk it up to auto correct? Somehow?

    Where the fuck did the saying “chalk it up” come from? It makes no sense. I’m not going to use it anymore. I mean, after this comment.

    Jen Dieffenbacher recently posted Childrens Book Probably.

  31. If I got a spam comment like that, I’d probably publish it.

    Stacey recently posted Deliver Me.

  32. At least you can take solace in the fact that your site doesn’t show up as the top hit for “butt hairy woman”. Not yet, anyway. Give it a couple of days, though, and it will happen.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Adoptions.

  33. Oh, and when thinking of an image for your “I Survived the Raptor” button, here’s one that came to mind:

    20100424_P4241312

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Adoptions.

  34. I got an email from someone who saw Listen To Your Mother, asking me if I knew you personally and if so what were my thoughts. I replied and said you were a raging nymphomaniac who wouldn’t stop feeling everyone up until we threatened to call the cops and report the eight pounds of uncut cocaine you were carrying around in your purse. You’re welcome.

    Bejewell recently posted Midgets- Incest and Pony Play – Just Another Run of the Mill Blog Post.

  35. I got spam trolls for a bit. Enhancement drugs telling me that I was ugly – I was like, but wait, you’re ENHANCEMENT DRUGS.

    Veronica recently posted A simple guide to blogging wrong- For everyone who doesn’t want to make money- or jump on bandwagons.

  36. I’ve seen your pictures (the ones you post, not the ones from that ill-advised “lingerie” company you modeled for) but I’ve never seen you in person. You at Listen to Your Mother was so adorable! Who would have thought all these filthy words are spoken in such a sweet voice?

  37. Maybe he was looking for ‘anything butt hairy women’?

  38. It was a comment by a real man, and it was from Pakistan. That’s how they spell “beautiful fairy women.”

    Fred MIller recently posted Wedgies and Male Bonding.

  39. is that women with hairy butts or women that are really hairy?

  40. Okay, I would be inclined to take that as an okay compliment, but hell I am a dude and you know we are idiots. Plus I am a gay dude, which makes me a superficial if stylish idiot… no stereotypes here at all!

    Anyhoo, its way better spam than I get, which usually wants me to send $, or promises me a full university degree in ten days, which I am sure is legit….

    Brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted Money Wise- Driving with Dave Barry.

  41. 42
    physicsmom

    Feels good to get caught up on your latest doings, since you’ve been off writing your book and all. How soon to publication???? The cool things on the internet this week are really cool, especially “this is not that blog.” Loved it. Your reading at “Listen to your Mother” was brilliant too. Thanks for helping me end the week on a high note.

  42. I recommend this antispam plugin

    http://www.growmap.com/growmap-anti-spambot-plugin/

    I am using it for couple months now and almost all comments posted by robots are gone.
    Of course I am getting less traffic then you, but you should give a try. It made my life much easer.

    Vi recently posted What is size of your bag.

  43. Damn. I thought I was the only one…

  44. Is 5:20 am too early to knock on my neighbor’s door so she can sign my fake maid contract? I’m excited.

    Johi recently posted Im not ready.

  45. 46
    Yvonne - paralegal

    So, I actually did a search for “butt hairy women” – wait, my eyes are bleeding. OK, so You didn’t come up – sooooo… I’d say it IS spam.
    On the plus side – that is one awesome spam program. Bad side….all those women with hairy butts – oh god, someone send them some wax!

  46. The reading was a riot! And all without the SWAT team or a confidence wig in sight!

    Bravo!

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Dear Possible Figment Of My Imagination On The Potentially Nonexistent 36th Floor….

  47. it’s just a marketing ploy to get your attention. sadly it worked, got you attention and all of ours… now, if only we knew what we were supposed to be attending to…

    angelica recently posted on lost youth.

  48. Butt, hairy women rock? No? Yes?

    Theresa recently posted Chicktuition is taking over the world Well- half of it….

  49. I’ve decided that you are the funniest woman in America, no, scratch that, in the whole fucking universe. I sit here at my computer laughing helplessly every time. Bless you a zillion times and I hope your insane, creative brain nevert stops churning these posts out.

    Laurie Knowles recently posted Tired Tuesday Tarot.

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