A few months ago I got an email from a company focused on “protecting my child from identity theft”, but I told them I wasn’t interested because I don’t know anyone who would intentionally choose to be my child. My 6 year old is awesome, but she lives in a one-bedroom bedroom and she’s not allowed to go outside without a grown-up. Plus, she can’t reach the booze cabinet, and all of her clothes have unicorns on them. Non-ironically.
Then the identity-protection people said that they were talking about people stealing my daughter’s identity for credit purposes, and they explained that I had confused them with Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which was an awesome movie, but apparently not a documentary. The idea still seemed ridiculous though, because Hailey is terrible with money and I assume her credit score is awful. Last week I needed money to buy corn dogs so I traded her two quarters for the five dollar bill she’d gotten from the tooth-fairy, and when she asked me if that was a good deal I told her it totally was because “quarters are heavier than a five dollar bill”. And she totally bought it. (PS. The corndogs were for her. Stop judging me.)
Then the identity-theft people explained that they meant that someone could have stolen her social security number and could be using it right now, which would really fuck up her credit. They told me to check out their Allclear product to make sure her ssn wasn’t being used, and I totally would have done that except that I hid her social security card so that no one would ever find it, and now I don’t know where it is. True story. But I do plan on using the product as soon as I find her social security card. I also plan on checking to make sure people aren’t using my cat’s identity and ruining their credit, but the ID theft people said I can’t because cats don’t have social security numbers. So first I have to get social security numbers for all my all of cats, which is way harder than you think because apparently our government wants a bunch of non-documented cats running around America. They’re cats, government. Not anchor babies. Stop being such assholes.
Honestly, it seems ridiculous that people would steal your kid’s identity for financial gain, but it’s also a little bit ridiculous that I got paid for writing this post. And that cats can’t get passports. That’s the scariest thing of all. But in a world where cats aren’t recognized as citizens and where people pretend to be your 6-year-old it’s probably safer for everyone to listen to the AllClear people and make sure your kid is clean and not just some hipster imposter who just likes unicorn t-shirts. That kind of shit happens all the damn time.
Until supplies run out, you can click here to check out your kid’s identity here for free. (And your cats too, but only if they have ssn’s.)