I think I just need someone to beat me into unconsciousness.

I’ve had insomnia for so long that I’m starting to wonder if I’m just trapped in a coma dream about having insomnia.  If I wasn’t so toddled by lack of sleep I’d write something funny here, but I’m so out of it I can’t even think straight.  Also, I don’t think “toddled” is a word but I’m too remember the word I’m really looking for.  Smattered, maybe?  Is smattered a word?  Because it should be.  I feel totally smattered.  Last night at 3am I started to think that maybe I’m turning into a vampire and that’s why I’m up all night, but I’m pretty sure vampires sleep all day, so not only do I have insomnia, but I’m also a really shitty vampire.  Plus, I pass out when I see blood so I’m basically fucked.  So basically I’m violently sleepy and also I might be dying of malnutrition from not being able to drink blood.  I used the word “basically” too many times here, but I’m too sleepy to operate a thesaurus.

PS.  If this post doesn’t make sense to you it’s probably because you’ve slept more than four hours in the last 3 days.  Or because I’m smattered from lack of human blood.  One of those.

195 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Well, have you tried laying out in the sun until you turn into a lizard? That always puts me to sleep. Being a lizard is nice but boring.

    Like

    Bridget recently posted Summer came late and already drunk to the party- screaming at us all to catch up.

  2. I’d suggest a rare hamburger as a decent substitution.

    With cheese, I guess, but I don’t know that that would help with sleep.

    But if you were a vampire with osteoporosis it would totally help.

    Like

    Lori @ In Pursuit of It All recently posted 760 Days.

  3. I mean, or also whiskey. Whiskey and sun, that’s my prescription.

    Like

    Bridget recently posted Summer came late and already drunk to the party- screaming at us all to catch up.

  4. I have chronic insomnia and it sucks. I’ve tried everything. I say toddled is definitely a word but I haven’t gotten much sleep either for the past 2 weeks. Smackered or smuckered maybe. Wait, Smuckers is a brand of jam. Works for me.

    Like

    Elle recently posted I had a temporary moment of insanity and invited my in-laws to visit.

  5. “Smattered: n., to mean extremely confuzzled and emasticulted by lack of human blood.” It’s a word NOW. Source: my dictionomaly.

    Like

    K recently posted ALL the butts.

  6. Hang in there, Jenny. *Hugs*

    Like

  7. Have you tried doing laundry? Watching golf? Going to a boring business meeting? Sheesh! If i continue to think of boring things that make me want to sleep, I’m going to end up putting myself to sleep!

    Like

    Sarah recently posted Under Siege.

  8. oh no Jenny! wishing you loads of magic sleepy pills to help you get some zzzzzss….
    Good thing you dont need “beauty” sleep since you’re already gorgeous!
    Awesome brown nosing, eh?
    It’s truthful sucking up at least

    Like

    Steph recently posted Blogger Face Off Round 2.

  9. I feel super tired all the time too!! Its because I am overworked! I just wrote a post about it on my blog! We share something in common!

    Like

    Caleb Woodard recently posted Are You Overworked Working is going to be the death of me.

  10. And by noun I mean adjective. I’d say I was also sleepy but I’m just going to take the existentialist high road and say what ARE parts of speech, anyway? What are WE?

    Like

  11. You’re trapped in my dream. And I have insomnia in my dream. And then I sleep until 8:00am.

    as you can see, sleeping too much isn’t any better for one’s coherence.

    Like

    Kernut the Blond recently posted On My Way To Hell In A Handbasket- I Was Hugged By A Saint.

  12. Exercise, sun, and The History Channel, in that order. Never fails. Oh my God, it’s so boring just typing “The History Channel” that I think I dozed off between words.

    Like

    Steam Me Up, Kid recently posted Vlogorrhea chachacha.

  13. 1. Cut
    2. See blood
    3. Pass out
    4. Win!

    or

    1. Cut
    2. Faint by loss of blood
    3. Win!

    Like

  14. I know. Everyone has a suggestion. And most of ’em are stupid. This one probably is also, but: two things have increased my sleep time lately.

    1. Dissolve-able 5mg melatonin tablets I got at BJ’s Wholesale Club. I suck one until it gives up its fizz (yes. I know how that sounds) and about 30 minutes later I get…not sleepy, but pretty close to that. It’s the sleeping pill that knocks me out. But if I took the sleeping pill without the melatonin…I can actually stay awake all night ON the drugs. Sounds way more awesome than it is.

    2. Ear plugs. I can sleep for – and this is a miracle – up to 4 hours IN A ROW wearing ear plugs and properly medicated. No earplugs? I wake up about once an hour, and I assume it’s because I “heard something.” I can even go back to sleep for another two, sometimes three hours if I wear the earplugs.

    My only other advice is wine slushy coma.🙂

    Like

    JimK recently posted Tour de Cure 2011 – Donations needed!.

  15. I used to have insomnia…then I joined the army and they pretty much beat that out of me. I wouldn’t recommend that as a solution though. However, you might consider this. Great line of products….http://www.rescuesleep.com/home/default.asp

    Hope you get some sleep soon!

    Like

  16. I recommend alcohol as well. Then again, I recommend alcohol for most problems, unless your problems started because of alcohol.
    But I would agree with the alcohol/sunshine combo. Unless you really are a vampire. Then I’d say just the alcohol.

    Like

  17. omg you poor thing! I’m sure you’ve tried what I first go to for sleep which is exercise. It burns off all the weird energy and wipes me out. I really really hope you get past this ASAP. Last time I was REALLY sleep deprived I was on the phone with my mom, related a story of mild irritation and started crying uncontrollably. She told me to hang up the phone, and go to bed. And I tried to explain and she said “Hang up the phone and go to bed.” Lack of sleep made me temporarily nuts. Woke up sane. Wishing you good sleep.

    Like

    biobabbler recently posted before you hug that armadillo.

  18. That’s just craptastic. 😦 My sleepy time remedy is tylenol 3 with a few beers….but my plans for deep sleep are usually wrecked by those being the nights that Lucy or Ethyl have night terrors, puke in their bed, or just plain refuse to sleep. And at least you have a legitamate excuse for making up words. I once argued with Hubs for 2 weeks that ‘contanister’ was a word. That defeat was very bitter to swallow.
    Good luck, and hopefully you can pass out soon.

    Like

    Mom Afire recently posted Snummed Again!.

  19. Jenny,

    If you actually did turn into a vampire, you would be an awesome one. No doubt about it. You would NOT glitter, you’d suddenly love blood (the body has ways of making you crave what’s good for you) and you’d basically kick ass.

    No, the fact that you’re feeling like crap makes me think something more sinister is going on. This could be the start of the zombie apocalypse. It makes sense that they’d start with you – you always take out your most dangerous enemies first. Zombie Warfare 101. Plus, they could use you as their spokesperson. Have you started craving brains yet? You might want to have Victor keep the machete ready. Just sayin’…

    Hugs,
    Melody

    Like

    Melody | Deliberate Receiving recently posted What Casino Dealers Know About Calming Down Angry People.

  20. Wifefish suffers as well. I hope you find sweet, sweet sleep sometime soon. I have no useful suggestion on how to obtain it, aside from beating the shit out of the sheep that you’re trying to count until you fall over from exhaustion, which may not be useful at all.

    Like

    Dangerboy recently posted 5 Things I Think- June 6th.

  21. Well, looks like my inception worked…

    Like

  22. Find some blue xanax…I hear they are way better than my crappy white ones. But they may be like the mythical unicorn…not really sure if they exist. I may be making them both up since I am usually “on” something.

    Calms Forte….it’s and herbal sleep/anxiety aid. Which for sleep you are supposed to take like 3 or four wich always makes me feel dangerous.

    Like

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Hurry Up Shut The Door Behind You Put On This Cloak Of Ultimate Protection Alternate Title- I May Have Lost My Marbles A-Fucking-Gain.

  23. Melatonin worked wonders for me. Yoga has helped (restorative if you can find it b/c it’s yoga with pillows and blankets). Don’t watch tv or web surf when you can’t sleep b/c it actually stimulates the brain. I know they say not to nap during the day but when you get to the point that you are so tired you feel like you have the flu and that you might pass out just walking from A to B, nap! Scary new research says that when we are overtired our brain goes into rolling brown-out mode, shutting down sections here and there for minutes at a time to allow them to rest. I always worry that the driving part while shut off while I am driving but so far it hasn’t.

    I had terrible insomnia for years. There was a year when I averaged 4 hours a night but in the last couple of years, I don’t suffer from it as much now as I just simply don’t get enough sleep given that my child is forced to go to school and her bus arrives at an ungodly early hour and I am a night owl genetically speaking.

    Like

    annie recently posted Let It Slip.

  24. I like the word smattered, and it totally makes sense. On the up side it’s much better to be smattered than it would be to be smothered and covered because then not only would you be covered in onions and cheese, but you’d be on the grill in a Waffle House and I’m pretty sure it would be damn hard to sleep there.

    Like

    Kara recently posted No- I’m not that Madame Wong.

  25. I wonder if its safe to be in a room alone with someone who it Violently sleepy…

    Like

    Brandy recently posted How I know when the force is with me.

  26. I have been an insomniac all my life – the bags under my eyes have bags under their eyes.

    You should ask your doc about ambien. I can only take it on nights when I can declare I am No Longer Responsible. The downside is the aftereffects of a 9 hour fugue, including but not limited to confused messages from friends about how I could accuse them of killing Tupac, and waking up with my underwear on backwards.

    The upside is, looks like someone cleaned the kitchen!

    Like

  27. Addled maybe? It’s one of my favorite words *g*

    Anyways I can only suggest reading any one of the texts I need to read for my job as an IT security dude. Works like a charm for me every time. Bitch of it is 1 – I’m at the office and 2 – I need to know this crap.

    Like

    Neeroc recently posted Lessons learned.

  28. Well, you could go read my blog, for that is certain to put you out for days. I used to suffer insomnia due to pain and stuff, which has now been pharmaceutically solved with 13..yes..13…different pills I take at bedtime…pain pills, muscle relaxants and sleeping pills. ALL PRESCRIBED BY MY DOC. I’m not abusing. I have tried weaning but find myself dead tired, sitting in bed at 3am, reading books on my iPad. Good times.

    Like

  29. I fucking hate insomnia. When we were buying our current house and planning the move, I went nearly two weeks on about an hour of sleep a night. It was so bad my husband and friends began plotting to force me to go to the doctor. I finally went, took two ambien, and slept for 16 hours. But I regularly go through bouts of insomnia. Hate it. I’d totally prefer narcolepsy.

    Like

  30. 30
    Woodlandmama

    I think you mean hobbled which can mean: to impede; hamper the progress of.

    Like

  31. Girl you had better get some sleep! Try a few glasses of wine at night. That usually works for me. If not break out the Nyquil and that should do the trick. You can’t walk around without sleep for days before it starts making you sick and you can’t be sick as we well know….MOMS DON’T GET SICK.
    Seriously you take care of yourself otherwise you are going to be too run down to take care of that sweet child. Be good to yourself and I will keep my fingers crossed you get some much needed rest! Big hugs sweetie!

    Like

  32. This post totally makes sense to me.
    In fact, I have not been sleeping for days now.
    Only a few hours per night….which is not enough for my poor little brain.

    Uh! I don’t like blood either.

    Like

    mominrome recently posted The date.

  33. I came here to suggest “Addled” as your elusive word, but somebody beat me to it. So instead I’ll second their suggestion. Addled definitely fits, though, I assure you.

    Also, go to sleep. Don’t try to, though, just go relax or something, and the sleep will follow. Or start counting prime numbers as high as you can. Prime numbers > sheep.

    Like

  34. “Addled”

    …and your reaction to the sight of blood might be exactly what you need right now. Just make sure you have something soft to land on.

    Like

    Steve recently posted 275 Eternal.

  35. sorry, I’m more worried about the fact that this post made perfect sense than your insomnia and vampire suckage.

    Like

    L.A.C.E. recently posted Shitionary Sunday @ Snappy Surprise!.

  36. I feel your pain. It’s probably the best way of describing that state.

    Smattered is an awesome word.

    Like

    Rico Swaff recently posted In the Past 2 Weeks I Have Almost Hit 2 Cows With My Car.

  37. I won’t mess with giving you a bunch of suggestion that I’m sure you’ve already tried. Perhaps you should stay away from the speed balls though. Also, vampires get to sleep during the day. That means that you are an even suckier (ha!) vampire than you already thought.

    I think what’s worse than the actual act of not sleeping is that you feel isolated – like you’re the only one who is still awake at the ungodly hour of 3 am. It’s so tempting to just shake my husband awake to simply tell him, “I can’t sleep and it really bites. Please feel sorry for me.”

    I promise that if you tweet in the wee hours of the morning looking for commisseration, we will answer!

    Like

  38. I like smattered as an adjective. It’s sort of a portmanteau of smashed and scattered… like if you dropped a tomato from a tall building… which is just what I feel like when insomnia strikes.

    Like

    Adam Jones recently posted Hot for Con.

  39. Toddled sounds British. Maybe you’re a British vampire who crosses timezones in your non-sleep, which is why you’re never sleeping.

    To an insomniac, that all should make perfect sense.

    Like

    Jessica recently posted date nights ep 1.

  40. The well-meaning people who have “difficulty” sleeping sure get annoying with their suggestions of what’s worked for them, like those of us who cannot sleep at all just haven’t thought to try everything under the sun. “Difficulty sleeping” doesn’t cut it. I Don’t Sleep. My record is 110 contiguous hours. That’s 110 hours of hallucinating, tears, exhaustion, wishing I were dead, inability to drive, to read, to watch TV, to do anything, but still unable to pass out and all the drugs have stopped working. Enough alcohol eventually works, but on the way to Enough I just get stupider but Still Don’t Pass Out and lose all judgment [if I ever had any] and do questionable things like email the CIA like 800 times and blame them for my sleeplessness. And they wrote back denying it the first 785 times but lately they’re agreeing that it’s all their fault and apologizing a lot and I feel better to have someone to blame given that my tax dollars pays for them and all. Also I’m hoping that they’ll send someone to kill me. So, yeah, Jenny. I feel your misery.

    Like

    Snakes Mommy recently posted If you keep staring at me- my Dad is totally gonna go poop all over your car.

  41. God help me, this post made sense to me.

    Like

    Bubbles recently posted sprinklesandsequins-DIY Homemade Glitter!There is always.

  42. I have insomnia too — well, if waking up every 2 hours to pee is insomnia. No wait, that’s MENOPAUSE. Damn lack of estrogen! That, or I have diabetus. No, wait, I’m on a low carb diet and “they” (whoever the hell is “they”) say that this can make you pee a lot (something about grains absorb water and I’m not eating any grains, and I wouldn’t have diabetus since I’m not eating grain or sugar, right?). Or maybe I’m just drinking too much at night. Can’t be that since I can’t have liquor on my low carb diet.

    Geez, I don’t know, I’m confuzzled. Or toddeled (I like that word – smattered would work too). Not sure if it’s from lack of sleep, lack of estrogen, lack of grain/sugar, or lack of liquor. Or all the above. I’m also frighteningly bored at work, which doesn’t help. Maybe I’ll just go to sleep on my desk, but then I’ll probably have to go pee. What a circuitous mess. . .

    Like

  43. Toddled is definitely a word. It’s where the term toddler comes from because they toddle around. And if there’s enough blood maybe all the passing out will be like sleep?

    Like

  44. “What’s smatter?”

    “I don’t know. What’s smatter with you?”

    “I have insomnia.”

    This joke sounded better in my head.

    Like

    moooooog35 recently posted Movin on Up.

  45. moooooog35, that was a brilliant joke. I did laugh out loud. I also haven’t been sleeping, so maybe that’s the key.

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Grandpa- Here- Weird- Get Used to It.

  46. Toddled is a word, E.G., You can toddle off to sleep, oh wait you can’t .In Scotland toddle is in pretty common usage like the whisky that was recommended in a prior comment.

    Like

  47. You sound like my husband…he doesn’t sleep either and it’s irritating because then i have to pay attention to him and the world is supposed to revolve around me…

    you sure have lots of shit that’s fucked up…just saying

    Like

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted Overheard at the MacDonald’s Take Three.

  48. Wouldn’t it suck if not ONLY were you trapped in a coma, but it’s one of those “Matrix” comas so when you wake up you are bald with a big ole’ plug in the back of your head and you’ve been submerged in some sort of pseudo amniotic fluid? Talk about a bad day! I mean…I LOVE my hair!

    Like

    Lori stefanac recently posted My New Digs.

  49. I’m pretty sure you are not a vampire. If you will recall in the Twilight series Bella fainted at the sight of blood; however, when she became a vampire she ate that shit up. So anyway, according to Twilight you definitely could not have turned into a vampire if you still pass out at the sight of blood and if Twilight isn’t the foremost authority on vampirism then I don’t really know what I believe anymore.

    Also, I think you are missing something obvious here. If you can’t sleep but you pass out at the sight of blood then it seems like blood could still solve your problem even if you are not (definitely, not) a vampire. Get thee to a blood bank and have a nap.

    Like

  50. 50
    Procrastamom

    You’re just trying to get one up on all of us for the coming Zombie Apocalypse, aren’t you? The less you sleep, the more you end up looking and feeling like a Zombie. Don’t tell me this isn’t your intention! I can see right through your scam, lady!

    Like

  51. 51
    Rumble Kitty

    The Chinese herbal remedy “suan zao ren tang” for heart blood deficiency and heat is good for insomnia. I take it when I can’t relax enough to sleep. It might not make you sleep like a baby, but it might help you doze at least. That way you can also increase your blood stores without having to drink from a human!
    Also, “jia wei xiao yao wan” for liver blood deficiency and heat is another relaxing one that helps. The English name for that is “free and easy wanderer,” not that you want to wander, you want to sleep, but it’s the “free and easy” part that is important!

    Like

  52. –>Have you tried acupucture? Not for the insomnia but to be a better vampire.

    Like

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Wordless Wednesday - First Official Pool Party.

  53. I haven’t been able to sleep at night because I keep falling asleep during the day, which I thought could mean I’m narcoleptic, but after your post, I realize I may just be a vampire. At night I lie awake all sorts of tripped out out Vicodin having really weird scary dreams except I’m not actually asleep so I guess they’re more like hallucinations. Except inside my head. I forget where I was going with this.

    Like

    Stacey recently posted Chipmunk Cheeks.

  54. Sorry Jenny. That sucks. The insomnia, not the vampire part because it might be cool to be a vampire, but also because if you *are* a vampire you can’t “suck” because you faint at the sight of blood (so you’d probably faint at the taste of it too), so if you’re a bad vampire, what’s a word to replace “sucks” that isn’t so contradictory? Maybe that “blows”, because when you taste the blood to spew it all over the room, or maybe it’s “dirty” because you’re dead and burried?

    I’m not sure where I was going with that. Hang in there. (Upside down, like a bat, becuase bats are like vampires.)

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Shitionary Sunday Yet Again aka Shitionary-Gate.

  55. Insomnia sucks ass.

    Smoog’s joke cracked me up.

    The only coma anyone should ever be in is a food coma. Being in a coma dream about insomnia sucks big donkey balls.

    I hope you sleep soon!

    Like

    Leila (Don't Speak Whinese) recently posted 7 Tips on How to Enjoy Gardening With Kids… Yes- Really!.

  56. Watch any movie starring Cameron Diaz. INSTANT SLEEP.

    Like

    Chelsie recently posted All Hail the Penis of Madagascar.

  57. I am not sure I have control over my sleeping patterns either.

    I guess I am not the traditional insomniac where a person stays up all night. I am more the type that I can’t go to bed at a decent hour meaning 10pm – 12 am. I am usually awake til 2-4am and then I go lay down. Sometimes I get lucky enough to sleep sometimes I lay awake plotting things that need done or just thinking weird things that I forget to write down so I can share them later with people who will appreciate it.

    Here lately though I have been harboring nightmares which in that case I don’t want to go to sleep. So I read hoping to stave off those nightmares. And on that note I know the reason I don’t go to sleep before midnight. That is when the nightmares happen and last night’s nightmare was sneaky. It didn’t start out as something scary it only ended that way.

    I feel your pain and hope you can get some rest soon.

    Like

    Lilscorpiosweet recently posted Sunday and Slade.

  58. Do you have the lights on when you sleep? If you have the lights on it’s probably the blindingly bright sparkle from your glittery, malnurished vampire skin. Happens all the time.

    Like

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Not the Throbbing I Promised.

  59. I recommend one wal-zer (generic zertec) and one theanine (available at Whole Foods etc) right before bed. im out all night with this combination. it is better than being beaten unconscious (i imagine).

    Like

  60. 60
    Cedarflame

    When I can’t sleep I pretend I am someone else and I make up their life in my head and don’t think about sleeping (don’t make up a really exciting life, just some Little House on the Prairie” life) and before I know it I wake up and got a good night sleep. It is better than watching the clock and saying, Shit it’s 2 a.m. and I am still awake WTF.

    Don’t drink alcohol five hours before attempting to sleep, it won’t help, it will only get you to sleep for an hour or so and then up again because it makes your mind funky.

    Like

  61. Have had a wee taste of this insomnia lark and its so not funny. I am most impressed that you keep a sense of humour because I become the evil she devil and look anyone who crosses my path!!! Someone said to look at the ceiling as your eyes get tired and eventually you will fall asleep… bloody fool!!! Sweet dreams when they come!🙂

    Like

  62. I could loan you my hubby. Just have him discuss patent applications for 10 minutes and you’ll be out. It always works for me….

    Hope you get some sleep soon, Jenny….🙂

    Like

    Dana recently posted Summer Break Has Begun- We Managed a Road Trip Without Car Trouble.

  63. The good thing about sleep deprivation (for me at least) is it makes EVERYTHING funny. Once i threw a bridal shower in California and I hadn’t actually slept in about a week. During the shower a guy rode by on a horse and I thought it was the most amazingly funny thing EVER. In retrospect it was not, but at the time I was crying from laughing so hard. I hope you can see everything as funny.

    Like

    ADDGirl recently posted New wheelz- and tips for saving at the dealership.

  64. Whenever I can’t sleep, I just ask my husband to explain to me how the stock market works. Never fails.

    Like

    Violet recently posted Solo Exhibit &amp Giveaway- Amore Valkyrie!.

  65. It’s not fair to think you may be turning into a vampire without at least a fond memory of some exceptionally hunky vampire sensually draining you. You deserve that. Oh well–hoping someone sends you a nice bottle of Ambien–but be sure to lock up your phone and keyboard if they do.

    Nighty night.

    Like

    Vinobaby recently posted The Day I Decided TO BE.

  66. Huh. Well, okay, Roget… Guess I’m going to have to send ninjas to your house to beat you about the head with wine bottles until you pass out.

    Why wine bottles?

    Because, after the subdural hematoma subsides, you’re gonna want a drink.

    Which will cause more sleep.

    #winning

    Like

    Kella recently posted Stunt-Blogger- Please Don’t Feed the Ninjas.

  67. oh poor you! I haven’t slept for almost 2 years, first pregnant with twins – no sleep due to having a HUGE BELLY and getting up to pee every 2 hrs or so and then the boys arrived and needed changing n feeding every 2-3 hrs… I got so used to not sleeping I was getting compliments on how great I look😉 Now they are 9 months and I can finally sleep for 7-8 hrs…. Try some warm milk with honey ( and some brandy ) and get yourself some sleeping pills… Or get Victor to hit you with his cast ( how is his arm anyway??? ) Hugs n kisses

    Like

  68. I have only one question… are you able to knock yourself out without causing permanent damage?

    Because if so, I think you’d be onto a winner.

    Like

    Lisa Harries recently posted People who are mischievous at my expense should be ashamed of themselves.

  69. Have you tried Melatonin from healthfood store? It does the trick for me. Used it once already this week and it made me very sleepy and calm. Just talking about it is making me sleepy… mmmmm maybe I need a nap. Hey they siesta in Spain why shouldn’t we?!!!

    Like

    Anne Province recently posted Give It To Me- NOW!.

  70. Just watch some golf, you’ll be out in no time.

    Like

    If I Were God... recently posted Is your guardian angel screwing you.

  71. Now you are a smattering of an addled toddler who can’t sleep, but has lots of suggestions for how to sleep, so get to it!

    Like

    Craftwhack recently posted I just freaking got so talked at.

  72. 72
    GrandeMocha

    I recommend a physics or calculus book. Always put me to sleep in college.

    Like

  73. Re: beating you into unconsciousness… I was unconscious once, after a car wreck, and I can tell you with no hesitation that it was the best nap I ever had in my life. I regained consciousness on the side of the highway, stretched, smiled, and ordered a daquiri from the trucker standing over me. I thought I was on a lounge chair in Jamaica, that’s how restful.

    Now that I know what that deep peaceful rest feels like, sleep is just sleep. A taste of honey’s worse than none at all, Jenny.

    Like

    Steam Me Up, Kid recently posted Vlogorrhea chachacha.

  74. I think you’re looking for the word “addled.”

    Try eating some turkey for the tryptophan. By the way, SpellCheck suggested “Aristophanes” as an alternative to “tryptophan.” You might try Aristophanes too; maybe he’d put you to sleep.

    Like

    Sharyn recently posted Reader Participation- Heres Your Chance To Place Your Thumbprint On My Blog.

  75. Jenny, BTW, how selfish of me not to offer some advice! Why don’t you come to a certain local big Texas university and take over my job of handling mountains of telecommunications bills? That’ll put you to sleep in no time (if you don’t have to pee often, like me). But I still get my paycheck, OK? Cuz I’m looking for a way not to have to work without getting laid off first. Then again, if Gov. Perry gets his way, my job will get cut and we’ll both be screwed . . .

    Like

  76. Maybe you’re just a hamster. You should give a giant wheel a try.

    Today is one of those days where I either need a strawberry malt or oreos dipped in bailys. And there is a liquor store on the way home. Here’s hoping you feel better than me.

    I’m pretty sure you meant addled. Because I like the word addled. And for some strange reason, our vocabulary is strikingly similar. To the point that my boyfriend is mostly convinced I’m secretly the bloggess and I had to show him your video reading your “Ill Advised” to prove we weren’t the same person/hamster.

    Like

  77. Probably not the time to blind you with facts, like, toddled and smattered already are words. Perhaps you toddled out in to a nightmare and got smattered with the blood flying in huge droplets from the ravenous mouths of the vampire hordes.

    OK, so that last one should have been splattered but I can’t be doing with quibbling.

    I hope you get some rest soon Jenny.

    Like

    Penbleth recently posted If I said I had an exciting weekend would you hold it against me.

  78. 78
    poke salad annie

    Hey Jenny. I suffer with insomnia also. The only thing I found that works for me (and it works really well) is Meletonin. You can get it at the drugstore in the vitamin aisle. It comes in 1mg and 3 mg versions. I recommend the 1 mg to see if that works and if not, gradually increase dosage until you find what does. Its quite strong. You don’t want to take more than you need. The great thing about it is that it mimics the natural hormone your body produces to make you sleepy when it gets dark out. It won’t leave you groggy in the morning. Its great stuff.

    Like

  79. What I generally do is watch my cats sleep and convince myself that watching a cat sleep is as good as sleeping. It’s not, of course, but I’m pretty gullible when I’m sleep-deprived

    Like

    Laura recently posted Too Much of a Good Thing.

  80. I agree, the insomnia where you start to worry you’re actually dreaming you can’t sleep is horrible. Last night I dreamt that all my teeth were falling out…again.

    You can never win sometimes.

    Like

    Rudy recently posted Things I wish I had.

  81. I feel you! I think peri-menopause is fucking me in the @ss. I’m brutally alive at night. I can taste the air. Hear the neighbor’s cat breathing. I’m filled with a dangerous kinetic energy that might be found in super heroes who vanquish villains on a far-flung planet called Narwal. Or Shleeboggen.

    But the days are a bog. Like living underwater, moving slowly across the bottom through mud and reeds, everyone seems to be talking to me from a vast distance, overhead, floating. When someone touches me it feels like there’s a layer of scales on top of my skin. When I look at them there’s sandpaper inside my eyelids, viscous glue in my tear ducts.

    Around 3 a.m. I go to the guest room in a funereal manner, close to mental collapse, psychosis. What if this insomnia isn’t hormone related? What if I’ll never sleep again and, have to start living on uppers and downers like Marilyn or Judy Garland? Who will raise my children when I overdose on Lunestra?

    Around 4 a.m. I sleep, very lightly. I know I sleep because the comedian George Carlin keeps walking into the room. Why? I’ve never even seen George Carlin’s act. I barely know what he looks like. And the guy’s dead. Yet he keeps walking into my guest room, staring at me with profound disgust. He can’t even joke about my insomnia it’s so ridiculous.

    Like

    The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful recently posted The Sirens Song of Plastic Surgery - Part Une.

  82. I’m really sorry you’re such a shitty vampire. Of all the people in the world, you were in the top ten who I thought would make an excellent vampire. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed.

    You make perfect sense to me as I have a long-standing insomnia problem…I truly hope you are able to get some sleep soon.

    Like

    Jacqui recently posted World Peace In 30 Days Or Less….

  83. 83
    professor A ASHOUR MD

    I thinnk you suffer from the effects of INFORMATION OVER- FLOW.,,,,, LIKE MANY NOWADAYS
    KEEP OFF-LINE ONE DAY A WEE
    TRY IT FOR ACOUPLE OF WEEKS
    YOU EXPERIENCE ALOT BETTER LIFE IN CLUDING >>>>>>SLEEP

    Like

  84. i think my dad’s a vampire. he sleeps like three hours a day and works like 60 hours a week.

    but he’s superchristian, so i’m guessing zombie jesus has something to do with that.

    ANYWAY. warm kittehs cuddled with you in bed is instant snoozefest. totally. alcohol may help you ‘sleep’ but it will also make everything feel like it’s spinning (well, for me at least) which is why i would recommend kittehs. and melatonin *generally* works. you could also try a glass of red wine and two midol. i never have tried it, but have spoken to numerous people (crazy women) who SWEAR it works.

    Like

    steph gas recently posted being a bad blogger.

  85. Smattered? Are you crazy? You are obviously more Snackered.

    Why have you got insomnia?

    Like

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted More ghost chasing! This time at Oxford Castle .

  86. I’ve got RA too and have gone through this crap. I’ve found that adding Folic Acid and Iron (My Rheumy’s suggestion) has helped not only with my sleeping but also the fatigue that keeps me from sleeping. I hope you get some sleep soon Jenny from the Block Texas-style!

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Support Your Local Zombies Y’all.

  87. One word: NyQuil. I swear by it. One slug of that and you’re off to Sleepy Land. Just make sure you’re in bed before you take it. I’ve woken up in the strangest places. (Well, that’s another story…)

    Like

  88. I think the worst part about insomnia is all the idiots that try to give you tips on how to sleep. Like if it was that easy you wouldn’t do it just to get some sleep.

    Like

    Karen recently posted Wait Youre supposed to use a cell phone to talk to people.

  89. This is when it makes sense to you how Michael Jackson could beg his personal physician for Rohypnol.

    Like

  90. I can sympathize with you because I’m married to a part-time insomniac who sometimes spends the night watching television or reading or maybe antagonizing the dogs so they don’t sleep, either. (I asked about maybe painting the living room one night but never got an answer.) However, sympathy is all I can give you because I have no magic cure or anything. I know as much about getting insomniacs to sleep as I do about curing cancer. Wait – that’s not entirely true. I could relate some of the mind tricks I use to get myself to fall asleep, but you need to have either a mind that can be trained or I have to brush up on my Jedi skilz. BTW, I’m a very good goer-to-sleeper and sleeper, too. What do you think? Give me a call.

    Like

    Jami recently posted Sharing is caring.

  91. Have you seen Spiceworld the Movie? Me neither, I was out for the count within the first 10 minutes. Good luck and sweet dreams.

    Like

    Mr Farty recently posted Pentland Walk.

  92. Are you sparkly? No really, I need you to check. Especially since I’m pregnant. And I’ve read Twilight enough times that it may be Stephanie Meyer’s baby. But she won’t return my calls. So it’s very possible I’m going to need someone to chew this thing out of me.

    Like

    Elly Lou recently posted Is It Still Monday.

  93. Ummm… when you haven’t slept more than 4 hours in several days, you are not only allowed but OBLIGATED to make up all the words you want. That’s how half of the words in the dictionary were invented. True story.

    Like

    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer recently posted Doogie Meowser- Cat MD.

  94. Also, I am a terribly light sleeper, and usually only manage 5 or 6 hours on a GOOD night. And that is only with the help of 2 things: 1) ear plugs and 2) one of the medications I take for my bipolar depression also happens to knock me out, but only if I take it a couple hours before I intend to go to bed. Since it sounds like you’ve had insomnia for a long LONG time, I imagine you’ve tried just about every trick in the book. I’ll just hope (or pray – just tell me which diety you prefer), that you figure out what works for you for the long run.

    Like

    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer recently posted Doogie Meowser- Cat MD.

  95. Know any computer geeks?
    1. Assume your preferred sleeping position in a chair in front of the geek. (Vital that you do this before addressing said geek as sleep will be near instantaneous.)
    2. Determine whether geek is a “Mac person” or a “PC person”.
    3. Ask them to explain why they prefer their particular platform.
    4. Wake up.
    5. Clean teeth.
    6. Watch news to catch up on all that has happened in the world.

    Like

  96. Solution:

    1)Medicate heavily for sleep.
    2)Eat steak tartare.

    Like

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Naked Girl Breaks Awkward with Tequila- Donuts- and Vaginal Reconstructive Surgery The Bloggess is Involved of course.

  97. I don’t think ZOMBIES sleep… you might be a zombie now…Do you have your suspenders on??? are you feeling the sudden urge for brains??? If so its TOTALLY Normal…if not you might want to have a rabies shot…there I said it…

    Like

  98. I’m kind of a lazy vampire. I work nights and sleep during the day. I’m also really pasty, but I suspect that’s more to do with genetics than vampirism. I don’t drink blood, though. So, as per usual, I’m not really applying myself.

    Like

    alonewithcats recently posted Oh- OkCupid You know me so well.

  99. Honey I feel ya. I have a constant ringing in my ears andthat makes it to where I sleep- but never deep enough to call it “actual” sleep. So… The docs said I needed to sleep otherwise I’d end up in a psych ward. So! I feel ya!

    Like

  100. So if this DOES make sense to me…where does that leave me? Ah, shit.

    Like

    salwa recently posted Very Important Update.

  101. I totally just remembered- HARRY POTTER BOOKS ON TAPE! read by Jim Dale! They knock me out like ambien, but with no weird drug effect. That and chewable melatonin from Trader Joe’s. But try Jim Dale, I bet they have the CD’s at your library!

    Like

    ADDGirl recently posted New wheelz- and tips for saving at the dealership.

  102. Forget trying to “cure” this mess, we just need to run a series of tests:
    Able to catch some zzz’s during the day? Have the urge to de-robe and make passionate love every five seconds? Then you’re a True Blood vampire.
    Still not sleeping? Sparkling in the sun? Feeling devoid of personality and more effeminate than usual? Then you’re a Twilight vampire.
    Not sparkling? Walking funny and unable to focus on anything but the delishisness that humans call brains? Odds are you’re a zombie.
    Grossed out by the thought of eating brains? Able to impart the horrors of your mind into the minds of others? Love you some TV and making unintelligible horror-snuff films? You might just be that evil girl from The Ring.
    None of these ring true? Well then, CONGRATULATIONS! You have obviously evolved past these mundane creatures into what must truly be a fearsome creature. Now we just need to figure out what your powers and weaknesses are.

    Like

    Kay Bee recently posted Oh-oh those su-huh-mer niiiiiiights .

  103. I don’t have insomnia – so I really can’t offer any suggestions but this one *did* cross my mind when reading your title……why hasn’t Victor volunteered to knock you unconsciousness? What kind of husband is he that he’s not willing to help you out in your time of need?

    Like

    Gigi recently posted I should probably write a post so you wont think Ive fallen off the face of the earthsigh.

  104. Falling asleep is as easy as reading tax code. Get out your instructions for filling out the IRS form 1040. Threw yours out? You can download them from the IRS web page. 10 minutes of reading and you’ll be fast asleep. Your dreams will be fucked, but aren’t they already?

    Like

    Jonah Gibson recently posted A Different Kind of Hero.

  105. A hemophobic, insomniacal vampire… only you Jenny, only you

    Like

  106. Yes, but what if this post makes total sense to me? Does that mean I am smattered or toddled? I prefer toddled because it rhymes with coddle and gives me visions of cute babies. Smatterd rhymes with shattered and I just envision falling to my death and going SPLAT like in a cartoon. If you feel like this comment doesn’t make any sense, it doesn’t whether you sleep a little or a lot.

    Hope you get some sleep soon!

    Like

    Dani recently posted Its Summertime and the Sprinklings Easy.

  107. I thought I had slept more than four hours in three days, but now I’m not so sure…

    Like

    thehaughtylibrarian recently posted No wonder my mother never told me about this.

  108. I could give you my ex’s phone number. Listening to him talk always put me to sleep.

    Like

  109. Last night, I woke up about 3 AM pissed at my partner for some dream transgression. I snarled “Asshole” at him and had to quickly stop myself from elbowing him in the ribs. He slept through it all.

    I was wide awake. So I got up and played video games until 4:30. So I got a total of five hours of four hours of (interrupted) sleep.

    I feel smattered myself. Plus I’m saying “Motherfucker” a lot … AND I broke down and cried in my boss’s cubicle this afternoon.

    If you are (in fact) a vampire, visit my house tonight and turn me into the motherfucking dead.
    Best,
    Jason

    Like

    The Queer Next Door recently posted Washing the Fairlane.

  110. Just to let you know. You shouldn’t turn on the TV at 3am. because that is worst hour EVER. Bill O’Reily replay on FOX NEWS just about everything else bad. Unless you like That 70’s Show, not that I am judging you for that. On the other hand, if you need to peruse the world of paid programing you could buy a lot of shit during the night. P90X, Shamwow, The Firm. Not that I own any of that, just saying.
    I sadly only know these things because of being awake SO MANY nights for a few several hours in the middle.
    You should call me, we could complain together.

    Like

    Mary recently posted Louis M Martini Cabernet.

  111. Insomnia is basically stupid. I basically suffer from it too. So basically what I am saying is that we should form a support group. We could all meet at 3 am. Basically.

    Like

    Johi recently posted Happy Birthday little buddy!.

  112. Oh, Jenny, I’m sorry to be the harbinger of bad news, but it’s possible it’s the drinking that’s causing the insomnia. I used to be all about a good time. Truly. The West Coast is littered with witnesses who know more fun stories about me than I do. Then one day I realized I hadn’t slept through the night in several years and it wasn’t because I had a toddler anymore, either. I just woke up in the middle of the night every night and lay there thinking dire thoughts until dawn.

    So I quit drinking for a week. Just to see what would happen.

    Yeah. As it turns out, aging sucks. But at least now I get to sleep.

    Like

    Victoria Mixon recently posted How to Plot Wrong- in 3 Easy Steps.

  113. I am the best sleeper ever, except when something is hurting. I can sleep even while I’m giving a PowerPoint presentation at work.

    I can put anyone to sleep, especially at parties, by just explaining what I do for a living. Not even my many FaceBook friends could figure out a way to talk about it that would not make people’s eyes roll back in their heads.

    I go to bed at 10 pm every night. Take your pain pills, put the kid to bed, and call me at 9:30. I’ll explain my job, and also recite my resume (I’ve been working since the late 1970’s) and you will be floating before you know it. Especially if you took the pain pills you were supposed to.

    I can’t believe all the insomniacs that follow your blog. Wonder if I work with any of these people. Lack of sleep makes people psychotic- they proved that with behavioral psych experiments years ago.

    I thought I was in a bad way on losing sleep when I woke up with some bad gas bubbles at 4:30 am, never got really back to sleep before the alarm went off at 5:30. Y’all never sleeping people scare me. Y’all will probably cut me off in traffic in your trusty psychotic fashion tomorrow.

    Like

    Amy recently posted Down to the Wire.

  114. My best guess is, you are trapped in a coma dream. Hang in there, you’ll wake up soon and this will all be funny.

    Like

    Fragrant Liar recently posted Its a Damn Miracle!.

  115. Wait a minute – you haven’t flown recently have you?!?! MAYBE YOU’VE BEEN INCEPTED!! (if you haven’t seen Inception, just act like this comment never happened)

    Like

    Dr. Cynicism recently posted Winding down- and lessons learned.

  116. Smattered is a word. At least now it is.

    Tessa passes out when she sees me get a shot in the ass. Seriously. I got bit by a dog last month and had to get a shot of Rocephin in the ass because it got infected (the bite, not my ass). Tessa had to look away. She cries when I donate blood.

    Like

    Fred MIller recently posted Cell Phone Cancer and Anal Fissures.

  117. I bet it’s blechy RA thats keeping you awake. Oh wait that’s me! Good luck. I dont know anything that works because if I did I would be asleep right now.

    Like

  118. Toddled is definitely a word, at least, here in Australia it is. Maybe you’re just Australian at heart and that’s why you can’t sleep at night?

    Like

    Veronica recently posted Let’s talk about criticism Again.

  119. That sucks. And yet, somehow you are still clever. So, go you.

    Like

    The Weed recently posted You just became my personal trainer FAT PICTURES!!!.

  120. 121
    Schaudenfrudiemanfoefm

    Whatever you do, don’t read a book like “The Sleepwalker’s Introduction to Flight” whilst suffering from a lack of sleep, or you WILL convince yourself you’re going to die. Not that I’m um, talking from experience or anything…

    Also, don’t watch any late night television that isn’t kids’ shows or something mild without ads. Because products in infomercials start to sound really not dumb.

    Hang in there Jenny, your body will force itself to work properly again. Just exhaust yourself then give yourself a safe coccoon of dark nothingness so there is nothing else to do but sleep.

    Like

  121. I tried to read some vampire book today because I feel left out of the whole vampire lust thing. But when they started licking each other’s blood, I seriously almost yakked (also possibly not a word).

    jill

    Like

    in bed with married women recently posted I am going to fuck you so hard- Snuggle.

  122. I feel your pain. I am probably the only person living in downtown Vancouver who doesn’t give a shit about hockey. I’ll probably go to hell for saying this, but I keep praying the Canucks will lose just so I can sleep again.

    If things get really bad, do what I do and think of titles for gay porn movies. Not only does it distract your mind, it can also be quite lucrative. Thanks to my insomnia I’m now working on the script for my latest masterpiece, aptly titled “Leave It, It’s Beaver”.

    Like

    bschooled recently posted Because if Eva is bored…well- then it goes without saying- really.

  123. Sit up in a dimly lit room with QVC on. If this doesn’t do it, nothing will.

    Seriously, I wish you a good night’s rest….it will come. and you will be smattered no more. Then, do not nap. And do not watch TV right before bed no matter how much you want to see how bad Courtney Cox’ lips look now.

    Like

    "Susan Says..." recently posted Yet Another Open Letter To Yet Another Idiot Congressman Yet Again From The State of New York.

  124. Worth a shot and free: themeditationpodcast.com, episode one. I suspect these so-called “binaural tones” just put you into a seizure, but holy monkey pope hats is it restful. I know someone who made it to the end of the episode, so it is POSSIBLE, but you can’t tell it by me or several of my friends and co-workers.

    Like

  125. This is a serious response.
    (this is the only blog where I need to state that disclaimer up-front)
    I cured my insomnia with polyphasic sleep. I’m not 100% adjusted yet, but for the past month I’ve only slept 2 hours in every 24.
    You nap 20 minutes every 4 hours, without fail. Of course you have to have a flexible schedule.
    Your body adjusts to this and, after a couple shitty weeks, starts going right into REM sleep and getting you all the sleep you need. And you have an extra 6 hours at night to do whatever. Say, write your next book and have it take only 5 years.
    The best part is, it cures virtually every sleep disorder.
    Doubt if you will take this or me seriously, but I felt like I could actually post a helpful comment for once, so I went for it.

    Like

    Rachael recently posted Clawing my way up a Monster’s esophagus.

  126. The brits say “shattered”… I think. Like super tired or super drunk or perhaps it’s referring to when they’ve broken something. I am not sure. But did you know that they use “touch wood” for knock on wood? True. And muppets is an insult. I’m not sure how they did that, growing up I always thought the muppets were AWESOME. But that’s a foreign country for you, they pervert wonderful things from your childhood to be an insult. But that’s ok, because whenever I’m around a bimbo I refer to them as a spice girl. Even though I LOVED the spice girls as a child, I was smart enough to move on. They still play them on the radio there. They’ll deny it, of course, but you just have to trust me. On. the radio. Spice World is NOT > or = Don’t Stop Believing, so they really have no room to talk. Also, I think spice up your life is an secret insult, which is why you should always respond with “Spice YOUR life!” or possibly “Spice up THIS!”

    I no longer remember what the point of this was, because my brain is so cottoney that I’m barely functioning at the level of a toaster. I don’t have an excuse like insomnia for this.

    Like

  127. I swear by lavender – James Wong has a greate recipe for a lavender and hops pillow that had a 100% success rate and it definitely works for me.

    Like

    Lianne Marie Binks recently posted Theres a taste in my mouth.

  128. I was going to post a comment but I realized it’s 5:30am and I should be asleep. But I’m not because apparently I’m smattered. So, instead of posting a comment I’m going to sleep, but I can’t, because I’m smattered, and I don’t know what that is. What were we talking about? Is this Amazon? Did I just buy something? Fuck.

    Like

    Brian recently posted How to out smart a roof jumping kid.

  129. Long-time reader, first-time commenter here.

    I totally feel your pain – I, too, am plagued by regular bouts of insomnia. Don’t worry – I’m not about to force any crazy voodoo remedies on you. I just know what it’s like to be dying for just a few precious winks of sleep. I hope you’re able to break the cycle soon and get some shut-eye!

    Also? Smattered should totally be a word.

    Hugs!

    Like

  130. Maybe you’re a British vampire who crosses timezones in your non-sleep, which is why you’re never sleeping🙂

    Cheers

    Kent
    http://restauranter-københavn.dk/

    Like

  131. I don’ t know if this helps, but I’m a sometime insomniac, too. Try stretching about an hour before bed and having a snack of cherries and milk (any flavor you want!). Cherries have melatonin and milk has something in it to help you sleep, too. Stretching helps your blood flow and relaxes you.

    If it doesn’t help, feel free to come and drink my blood. Humanism is humanism; I don’t discriminate against the undead.

    Like

  132. I love smattered. It’s one of my favorites – “I’d like a smattering of mustard on this sandwich, please,” I’d say; or even, “I know a smattering of French,” I’d offer; or perhaps, “I’m smattered that you’re interested in me.”

    Smattered.

    Oh, also, sorry you’re feeling so unhinged. It sucks to have insomnia [I sometimes pretend I’m in a movie, that way I can avoid all household chores and work-related things and focus on ditching Matthew McConaughey], and I’m not sure where I fall on the vampire thing. I’m o.k. with not going outside in the daylight, but I’ve never been a fan of liquid diets.

    Like

    Suniverse recently posted BOOBIES!.

  133. I guess I’m surprised I have to tell you this. But drink. Drink before bed – duh! I do shots every night after I wash my face and brush my teeth. You’ll sleep like baby!

    Like

    Megan recently posted Thundershirt.

  134. There’s lots of advice here, just saying be careful when it comes to sleep aids. Certain “herbal” supplements are either full of nothing (*coughhomeopathycough*) or do not contain the dosage they claim to have because there are no certified standards for that sort of thing, and they’re moneygrubbing asshats. Talk to your doctor about it, there are some herbs that can react badly with certain medications. I’m sure you don’t need more medical issues.
    I only occasionally get insomnia, though I’ve never suffered the way some people have here. I do not wish that on anyone.
    Anyway, the things that have worked for me:
    – routine, routine, routine. Having a routine where I do certain things before I sleep and go to sleep at the same time really helps.
    – exercise. I sleep badly when I haven’t been getting enough. I suggest yoga, especially Priscilla Patrick’s yoga. That woman works you so hard (and she’s in her 60s in the videos, so you feel like you have to keep up) that by the time you’re done you feel great but long for the sweet release of sleep.
    – catnip tea. You have to fight the cats for it (or just make them their own cup), but it works. I gave it to a friend and he was nodding off before he’d finished the mug. Blends well with mint. Of course you need to see if this will affect your medication first, but I don’t think catnip is known for that. Just get a nice batch of the dried stuff, but it in a tea ball, and have a cuppa.
    – staying away from the computer or television or whatever for a little while before sleep. Monitors and screens beam light right into your eyes like the sun, which tells your brain to be awake. Read a book, preferably in a nice warm bath. Also an excuse to have a nice warm bath.
    – ear plugs and eye masks. I discovered these while working a night shift. I don’t look as fabulous as Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but the principle is there. Quiet. Quiet is so important. Also dark. Having things dark when you are trying to sleep is wonderful. Eye masks ftw.
    – not eating for at least 2 hours before bed.
    -a calm, quiet, uncluttered bedroom for maximum rest
    Maybe when the world is overrun by vampires we can have some quiet. No? I can hope.

    Get some sleep soon, I wish upon you the Sleep of Joy.

    Like

    Madfishmonger recently posted Vintage Brown Velvet Beret.

  135. When I was a sprout like you, I could always depend on a bit powdered Yeti testicle to help me sleep. Of course these days with the wonderfulness of menopause that no longer works.

    Now I have to use eye of newt to do the job. It’s infinitely harder to find and prohibitively expensive when you do. That’s why I haven’t slept through the night since Oct. 7, 2009.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Dragging out my soapbox again or just think of this as a PSA.

  136. A smattering of insomnia, eh? That blows big ol’ monkey chunks. I know what you mean having your sleep patterns all messed up. Be careful or you’ll start bumping into mannequins at the department stores, knock one over and excuse yourself, pulling one of their hands off, and you will probably go into some sort of crazy-lady shock because you ripped this lady’s hand off trying to keep her from falling down because you just bumped into her.
    I say go to the doctor and get you an Ambien, stat! If that doesn’t work, have you looked into horse tranquilizers?🙂

    Like

  137. I think I read vampires have to sleep undergrounnd during the day, like they are buried. Perhaps you just aren’t far enough below the Earth to really get some rest?

    Hope your insomnia ends soon. Nothing makes me more cranky and loopy than lack of sleep.

    Oh and smattered should totally be a word.

    Like

    The Mommy Therapy recently posted Walgreens Thinks I Do Meth- and I Do Not Blame Them.

  138. 1. Another vote for melatonin.
    2. Maybe you finally turning into a zombie. We were probably wrong about how one actually becomes a zombie and maybe it’s a slow process that begins with insomnia. So, really, in a few days (or weeks!) it won’t even matter that you faint at the sight of blood because you will be mindlessly consuming brains. Unless the fainting carries over into zombiedom then…well, you are fucked but at least the rest of us will be safe!
    3. I apparently am in a list making mood today. My apologies.

    Like

  139. ohhhh, i wish i didn’t know exactly how you feel. i wish you didn’t know how you feel either. …wait, that didn’t make sense. probably because i need sleep.

    Like

  140. Smattered Yeti Testicle for the win, bodacious something or other. For. the. win.

    Like

  141. But what happened to good old fashioned sheep?

    Like

  142. Unless you’re avoiding human blood and prone to sucking animal blood instead. In which case you’ll be counting dead, smelly sheep. Probably less than ideal.

    Like

  143. The problem with powdering a yeti’s testicle, is you have to ruin a perfectly good yeti just to extract the active ingredient. There are methods of extraction that don’t involve surgery, but unless that yeti is inclined to hold still, you’re not getting much powder out of him.

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted I Would Do Anything For a Klondike Bar But I Wont Do That.

  144. I tried Ambien when I wasn’t sleeping and it worked great. And as a bonus, my wife told me that I woke her up in the middle of the night and made passionate love to her, although I have no memory of this at all. So I got sleep and she had great sex. Do you think your husband would mind being woken up in the middle of the night for sex? I didn’t think so.

    Like

    Tom recently posted Let’s Party Like it’s 1949!.

  145. Tom, same thing happened to me. Husband declared me insatiable on Ambien. He had to ignore my steady stream of stupid, unrelated-to-sex questions that I would not shut up about, but somehow he found the ability to pretend my voice was a bird singing in the far-off distance or something. ambien’ll make you sleep alright.

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted I Would Do Anything For a Klondike Bar But I Wont Do That.

  146. Totally made sense. ‘Cause I fall right asleep and wake up two hours later and then spend the whole night “almost asleep.” The peacefully-sleeping husband next to me makes me irrationally violent, too. Don’t know whether I want to smother him with my pillow or wake him up so he can be miserable with me. I think it’s the SSRI I just started. Guess I get to choose between being crazy from just being crazy and being crazy from a lack of sleep. It’s all kinds of win, I tell you.

    Also, your commentors are the best. Seriously funny, people.

    Like

  147. For once coming late to the party pays off. Ambien and powdered Yeti testicles. Now that would be worth staying awake for.

    Like

  148. to clarify (ahem): “stay awake to discuss yeti testicles (do they exist??)”, with this sublime cast of commenting characters here at the bloggess, not” “stay awake to powder yeti testicles”. I have already had that job, thank you very much. Its why I went to college and got a degree, so I could pay other people to powder yeti testicles.

    Like

    La Juice recently posted Farting in Your General Direction- The Wine Expo- Santa Monica CA.

  149. Your loss, dude. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. Would I steer you wrong?

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted I Would Do Anything For a Klondike Bar But I Wont Do That.

  150. You meant “addled.”

    Please don’t take any pills.

    Like

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  151. You should make Victor show you some blood then you’ll pass out and hopefully just stay asleep! Best plan ever.

    Like

  152. Toddled works. I really like knackered, which is English slang for tired but it used to mean murdered. So it’s somewhere between exhausted and dead which is a pretty good way to describe an insomnia sufferer.

    Have you tried magnesium/calcium/vitamin D supplements? I’m not going to be one of those crazy people and say that they cured all the problems in my life, but I will say that they help keep my sleeping patterns regulated most of the time.

    Like

  153. I’m going to give you a list of simple instructions that will lead you right into a drool sleep coma.

    You’re going to want to get yourself a copy of The Bear, preferably on VHS.

    You’re going to want to lay down.

    Then you’re going to watch the shit out of the first five minutes of The Bear.

    You’ll probably never find out how it ends.

    Like

    Heather Heartless recently posted Dolls Creep Me the Fuck Out- Yall.

  154. I’m totally going to start using the word “smattered.”

    Like

    Brenna recently posted Some people have a very high opinion of themselves.

  155. Try yoga. You know the weird one, where someone beats on a gong. They make you lie down on a mat and take deep breaths. I stopped going because I kept falling asleep. I would start snoring and it was embarrassing as shit..

    Like

    Carmella recently posted I really have nothing.

  156. Try watching They Came Back. It’s the most boring, bloodless French zombie film you’ll ever see. Should knock you right out.

    Like

    Nellie Vaughn recently posted Wrapping.

  157. OH, DAY-UMN. It sounds like you may have turned into one of those Cullen Twilight vampires. They never sleep and they are also really shitty vampires, being some sort of vegetarians and emo douch nozzles. Are you sparkly yet?

    It was nice knowing you, but if I see you, I will have to kill you. I hate those fucking Twilight vampires.

    Like

  158. I used to have insomnia. Now I have anxiety dreams every night. I’m sure it’s nothing.

    Like

    Beck recently posted Steven Seagal Kicked My Ass.

  159. I was just going to say ‘insomnia sucks,’ but then the word ‘suck’ made me think of vampires and it hit me that there might be a real correlation to this whole insomnia-vampire thing. My suggestion? Take two aspirin, a quart of blood and call me in the morning.

    Like

    Janene Murphy recently posted SlutWalk!.

  160. 161
    EveEnsler'sTwat

    You’re obviously not getting enough blood.

    Around 2:30 AM, take all your clothing off, and go find a nice flock of sheep, or if you can’t find sheep, a nice flock of geese. If you can’t find any either, find a nice flock of prairie dogs or antelope or something. Just look for a flock.

    If you can’t find a nice flock of any of the above, go to a Food Rite and get a nice ripe watermelon, some chocolate ice cream, and a loaf of whole wheat bread. Ohhhh, and some butter.

    Bring the last four items to me. I forgot to get them at the store last night.

    Like

  161. You should get your neurotransmitter levels checked.
    I don’t know what’s going on with you……..between the zombie attack threats and fears of the English language — it could be anything……….. but you might be off on your tryptophan.
    Which means you could just take some tryptophan or 5-HTP.

    But…..
    Better to know what you’re up against, than fart in the dark.
    See Dr Hotse.
    One of the better docs in your neck of the woods.
    He’ll help your stupid fucking arthritis too.
    You’re worth it.

    Like

  162. The last person who wrote about vampires that don’t sleep or drink human blood made MILLIONS. Her name is Stephenie Meyer.

    Like

    Mrs. P recently posted Pink Just Had A Baby So We Should Give Her A Pass.

  163. I with the melatonin people. When my Mom was terminally ill I didn’t sleep for days on end. And when I did sleep it felt like I was awake while I slept. I was so tired I wanted to vomit, but I was wired from all of the caffeine I was drinking to function. I was also suffering from one hellacious migraine. A migraine specialist told me to do two things – take melatonin and shut off all electronics (including TV) 2 hours before bedtime. It worked!

    Like

  164. Sweetie, please see a sleep specialist to determine what’s going on. You will save a lot of lives because you will write about it, and the first one you save will be your own.

    Like

    Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian recently posted A convenient summary of why anthropogenic global warming is a hoax.

  165. Heather Heartless is 100% correct—watch “The Bear.” I am getting sleepy just typing this.

    Like

    "Susan Says..." recently posted Dear Anthony Weiner-Yet Another Open Letter To Yet Another Idiot Congressman Yet Again From The State of New York.

  166. I don’t know if you’re even bothering to read these posts anymore, but I think your “inspirational” insomnia behavior is rubbing off on me. Haven’t slept in two days, and I’ve gotta get up at 5 AM for work. Yet here I am, looking at what you are doing…I didn’t mean that in a stalkerish way. Ok, I’m going to stop now.

    Lo’s last blog…Finally taking a risk and happiness causes insomnia on theloshack.com

    Like

  167. You would just be a vampire with a severe eating disorder…

    It’s almost 2 am. Could I call you now? ^_^

    Like

    subWOW recently posted The Curious Case of Ruby- the Anti-Barbie.

  168. 169
    Debra D.

    Yeah, the whole insomnia thing. Personally, I enjoy a good bout of not being able to sleep. Gives me that whole goth look without having to use a lot of white foundation and black eyeliner… see! It saves money! And I LOVE watching the ESPN42 channel that has the World Putt-Putt Golf Championship where the purse is a $25 gift certificate to IHOP. Hey! There’s another plus to insomnia…beat the crowd to IHOP for pancakes at 3 a.m.! But my favorite thing is taking a nice long bath, sipping a chilled glass of wine, putting on my most comfortable pajamas, getting the temperature just right, arranging the pillows and blankets just so, sinking into a wonderfully soft/firm mattress and laying there for 6 hours thinking about how much sleep I’m NOT GETTING! Watching the clock tick away seconds, minutes, hours of NOT SLEEPING. No wonder menopause has such a crappy reputation.

    Like

  169. All of these cures (real & imagined) are all well and good – but for craps sake not a single person had suggested that maybe you should lie down & close your eyes! Have you had the magic water from the kitchen faucet? Not bathroom sink water that doesn’t work & it’s not the same (tip from my kid)! Is Victor snoring like a chainsaw that’s low on bar oil ? that always keeps me awake.. not the Victor part, I’ve never met him, I SWEAR! but the bed partner who needs to wear a CPAP mask but won’t because it’s uncomfortable and possibly interferes with HIS SLEEP… Ahem. I wasn’t helpful at all was I?

    Maybe you’re a vampire zombie whose been accidentally raptured!

    Like

  170. Insomnia blows. But, it does cultivate the ability to go without sleep which sort of makes you a super hero. Case in point? I spent thirty two hours not wrecking my car in the last two days while driving to my parents home *and* then stayed up another six hours spending time with them. What mere mortal can go 38 hours without sleep and still be halfway coherent? Insomnia gave me that.

    Like

  171. Insomnia has allowed me to write many a humorous post. So, there’s that. And that’s about it. It’s a bitch, especially since I have been tempted to order the most random crap at 3 am from infomercials.

    Like

    tracey recently posted I Dream of Veggies.

  172. It’s too bad you don’t have a newborn at the moment – insomnia would come in really handy if you did. Maybe its time to add to the brood?

    Like

    Rebekah recently posted Conversations With a Two Year Old &amp How I Really Feel About Bill Cosby.

  173. I think the word you are looking for is “knackered.” Sounds dirty but it’s British slang for exhausted. I like it because it sounds kind of dirty.

    Like

    When Pigs Fly recently posted Weinergate- A sex scandal with no sex is like a hot dog with no mustard.

  174. While toddled is a word, I don’t think it’s quite the word you are looking for. But then, what do I know. I’m working off very little sleep myself. I think the only thing that has ever worked for my insomnia was caring for an infant. How did help, you ask? Well… really… ya, it didn’t. But, I was soooo exhausted,it made even the quickest of naps suprising rejuvenating. That or I was just that far gone.

    In now way am I suggesting you have another kid. However….

    Like

    Tracey recently posted Things Found in a Room.

  175. embrace the altered state. see where it takes you.

    Like

    pattypunker recently posted show us your meat.

  176. 178
    jennielynn

    I like the word “knackered.” It’s Brit slang, so I sound like a total tool using it in my Cali-surfer accent, but dude, it’s a cool word, so whatever.

    Yeah, I went off on a tangent. I figure you’re so sleepy you’ll miss if you try to punch me.

    Like

  177. you only said basically once.

    Like

  178. Toddled makes me think of when toddlers get confused by a new concept, like a hairdryer or television or seagulls. I think toddlers are the only people in the world who like seagulls, except presumably other seagulls or there wouldn’t be so many of them? Seagulls. Not people.

    Although I’m not saying toddlers are into seagulls in, you know, that way. I don’t think.

    Now I’m toddled.

    Like

  179. Hope you finally got some sleep. I’m a lifelong insomniac with no apparently medical reason and it’s horrible, especially after having a kid.

    Like

    Samantha recently posted Thoughtful Thursday 9.

  180. What’s the smatter? Smatter could be a word. There are nights I feel like you do – those long awful sleepless nights! Thanks for making light of it.

    Michael M. Ramnani

    Like

  181. 183
    RebeccaLk

    Ive been sleepless for awhile too….
    Then my cats started whispering if you feed us….we will look the other way as you sneak a bit of you kids benadryl.
    They ate till their furry bellies were full and I slept!

    Like

    RebeccaLk recently posted Internet Dating For Boneheads- The Hopeless &amp The Normal!.

  182. I don’t know what I’d do without Ambien CR. Besides, if no one is watching me? I end up buying fascinating things from Hong Kong under $30 at 2 a.m. (apparently, I have a $30 limit and no logical thinking processes when I Ambien-shop.)

    Like

  183. I found the sleep clinic at my local hospital really useful. There is really good cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia that works for many. I hope someone’s suggestion will work for you! In the meantime I hope this bout of sleeplessness passes soon!

    Like

  184. I have a 6 month old. I’m totally following you.

    Like

    Busted Kate recently posted The Last Time I Was This Happy About A Picture Was The Day TheKid Was Born.

  185. 187
    Drunk Bastard

    ooooh I want to be a vampire!!!! I wanted to be gay once but the whole liking penis was an issue. Since i don’t really like penis or the rest of the parts connected to it so much. But I want to be a vampire, not so much the staying up all night and sleeping all day drinking blood or hurting people. But living forever that could be nice! Maybe if I lived long enough I might grow fond of a penis and become gay? Hm, okay, maybe i don’t want to be an old gay vampire so much after all. ooooh I want to be a werewolf!!!

    Like

  186. 188
    Drunk Bastard

    Oh, and watch golf!

    Like

  187. For some reason, reading this makes me want to read the Twilight series again. Seriously, I’m going to get off the computer when I’m done with this comment and go start reading them again. Weird. Thank you.

    ps) I’ve dealt with insomnia for years. It really sucks.

    Like

    Mary recently posted Multiples and More!.

  188. Insomnia sucks! I have been struggling for years so I can empathize. There is some comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our miserable sleep-deprived state. Just reading the post and the comments has made me feel a little better tonight.

    Like

  189. Hi,

    Just found your blog and am picking out posts to read. So far I am very glad I found it! I haven’t stopped laughing🙂

    LJx

    Like

    Latte Junkie recently posted Monkeys Room Makeover!.

  190. I understood every word of that post. Now I am worried. And here I thought it was normal to go without sleep but according to this post I just might be wrong. Great, now I will be up all night thinkiing about this. Thanks!

    Love your blog!

    Like

    Laura recently posted Baked Mac n' Cheese.

  191. Between toddled and smattered, how about snozzled? I think it’s british slang for getting really drunk😉

    Like

  192. Addled, the word you want is addled. I know this because I am a chronic insomniac and it is one of the few words programmed into my ‘haven’t slept in days vocabulary’. Toddled totally works though. Or maybe it doesn’t since I’m on day three and still have to study for an Anatomy test. Who knows. If you find something that works, please share.

    Like

  193. 195
    Addison Thomas

    I love that word “toddled” and “smattered” sounds funny and I love learning new words like a kid lol. Well, then hope that you finally got sleep well.

    Sleep well! Good Luck!

    Like

    Addison Thomas recently posted Abs Diet Recipes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s