For you! Because you’re probably bored.

It's like a "we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone" sign, but for people who are too drunk to read that much.

I saw this sign in a pizza shop last week and I thought, How nice would it be to have a sign like that on your blog?

Then I remembered that you can’t hang signs on a blog.

Then I remembered that I had a camera.

Problem solved.


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There’s a lot of empty space here because I’m bad with layouts it’s restful to your eyes, but I assure you, there’s important stuff below.

 

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And now, this week’s Shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop, tentatively “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What  you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the amazing volunteers at Virtual Fluffies, a nonprofit organization dedicated to getting big, fluffy dogs into foster care or adopted. They are fucking *adorable*. The big, fluffy dogs, I mean. Probably the volunteers are too. Also, some of the dogs have super-powers. Like this one, who I’m pretty sure is trying to hypnotize me. So basically he’s a giant guard dog who can PUT BURGLARS INTO TRANCES. These dogs are magic.*  You need to go rescue one.

*Dogs might not actually be magic.

63 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I want a sign like that to hang around my neck!!!!! 🙂

    Like

    Nicki recently posted Rainy Day Blues.

  2. Crazy! I jJUSt saw this sign in a bar on Tuesday night and I thought it was awesome! What a coincidence. Ok. I’ll go read the rest now.

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted I need a chauffeur And maybe a gun.

  3. I want that sign on my blog banner. I have a new asshat commenting lately.

    Like

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Thats not my son!.

  4. 4
    7thDirection

    A coworker of mine has a poster that says that on his bulletin board. When our project manager (not our supervisor) came in one day with a bad attitude and a bone to pick, she started, looked at the poster, stood up and left! It works!

    Like

  5. I love it. Of course if I hung it here…my kids would have to evacuate the premises!

    Like

    Shan recently posted Worlds Best.

  6. I am absolutely, positively, getting a sign like that for my house, for my car, for my life.* Love it!

    * I reserve the right to remove it when I feel the need to be less than nice – but only for deserved occasions.

    Like

  7. Those are all the people I wouldn’t want to hang out with. Nice people drive me nuts…except occasionally…like on February 29th…

    Like

    All Fooked Up recently posted In which she does phone sex.

  8. I need that sign

    Like

  9. Thank God for this. Boredom almost forced me to go jogging. *yeesh*

    Like

    Jamie the Very Worst Missionary recently posted Telling El Chupacabra to Ask Me Later.

  10. Sorry, but my cats are way smarter than that stupid “mouse” cat.

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted I need a chauffeur And maybe a gun.

  11. It’s a great sign and is almost making me want to change my blog name to it!

    Like

  12. Damn, that sign would look freaking excellent next to my “The Witch is In/Out” one. I’m not too sure how the administration/parents of my students would feel about it though. The public school system isn’t very understanding about sarcasm.

    Like

    Chelsie recently posted Samuel L Jackson wants your kids to Go The Bleep to Sleep.

  13. I have to say, I think I love you, o mighty Bloggess. Can I steal (or borrow, depends on what you prefer) this sign for my blog? You’re welcome to check it out by the way and see if you approve. It’s in Polish though, so I guess you won’t have much of a read…

    Like

  14. There’s always the asshole who plays semantics over the definitions of words like “nice,” so I’d feel the obsessive need to include specific clarification. My sign would be too long and less likely to be read. Maybe “WARNING: Kicks nuts when pissed.”

    Like

    mrtl recently posted Youll Never Call Me Beer Buckets.

  15. I saw the “Ken Hoffman is a Jerk” twitter claim to fame and thought you were joking. I should have known better. I really should have. I was so sure it was a joke I didn’t even bother googling it. Today’s little blurb on it had me Google and sure enough…

    The question is, did you get increased traffic after that to this site? People read his article, Google the title of the post he mentioned, see Jenny Lawson, Google Jenny Lawson and eventually reach here? Because is so, we should all email him thanking him for your new readers. Like ALL of us. He’d like that, right?

    Like

  16. I am buying something next payday so I can put that receipt on the fridge. It will back up years of falsified Quicken entries like “whores” instead of “Macys”.

    Like

  17. Love the sign. And yes, a camera can fix all sorts of problems. Sort of like a hammer.*

    ~EdT.

    *Note: don’t take this as a suggestion that you use your camera as a hammer.

    Like

    EdT. recently posted A judge- and a DA- in clear need of an education in the law.

  18. I think we should just tattoo people who violate the message of the sign, with the message of the sign- right across the inside of their corneas, then every time they open their eyes, they have no choice but to be reminded. Wait. does that disturbing thought put me in violation of the sign? geez. NOW we see the violence inherent in the system.

    Like

  19. That sign is brilliant! Yep, that’s all I’ve got because I haven’t had any caffeine yet. Just to be clear, caffeine isn’t code for crack or anything. If I had to smoke crack, that wouldn’t be good because I have asthma so I’d be walking around as a weezing crackhead and it would make it more difficult to run from the cops.

    Like

    Elle recently posted What do my mom- a pickaxe- pedicures- and a kitty have in common I really have no idea.

  20. That Dear Photograph site is definitely kind of awesome. One of the most amazing parts (to me) is how many people actually can find pics that fit into their original settings, to hold up and take the photo today…

    I’m being nice, so I’m definitely not planning to leave😉

    Like

  21. I’m glad I’m not the only one who now feels compelled to intone “Mouse…mouse!” My cat hates me even more now.

    And thank you for the link to the Amanda Palmer diddy…I now have a song about geographical snatch in my head.

    Like

    Rachel recently posted The ring that makes me want to puke.

  22. LURVE the James Garfield stamps. The Zazzle ad is great, but the line “Only $15.55 in bulk!” makes it ART!

    Like

  23. I want that sign for my office door. Only with an addendum, that says “WITH YOUR SKULL BEAT IN.” I feel it would really drive the point home.

    Like

  24. The zombie musical was hilarious. But it can’t compare to Evil Dead: The Musical, which I was fortunate enough to see this past Halloween. AMAZING! If it ever comes to Texas you must check it out.

    Like

  25. You know I could quite easily die happy thanks to “nom nom nom nom babies.”

    Providing the death isn’t long and excruciatingly painful. Because if that were the case I’m pretty sure I’d forget about the baby thing by the end.

    Like

    Lisa recently posted Good news- The boiler didnt attack me again Bad News- Im pretty sure my brains leaking out of my ears from the time it did.

  26. You discovered the MOUSE! Oh Happy Days!

    Like

    Amy recently posted Im so strange even my bike needs a special pump.

  27. Yay, Victor! Adorable.

    Like

  28. Well, that Victor is just a cold stone fox, now isn’t he?

    Like

  29. I bet my left nugget the sign is too complicated for at least 10 people😛 .

    “Ma’m i jas wann boy som stuf , i could be naice if that meins a lowa price, otherwaise ill stay neutral “

    Like

    Luke recently posted Good online schools.

  30. I’ll see your zombie musical and raise you a zombie rom-com: Rotting Hill!
    http://www.wired.com/underwire/2011/06/zombie-rom-com-rotting-hill/

    Like

  31. I wish I could have a dog right now…I’ve always wanted a magic dog.

    Like

    Jacqui recently posted This Is NOT About Breast Cancer….

  32. I wasn’t really bored … but reading your weekly wrap-up always makes my Sunday.

    (of course, my phrase of the week will now be “I’m big pimpin’ in America”).

    Like

    The Queer Next Door recently posted Watch Your Mouth.

  33. Now as she’s getting a little older, Hailey is really starting to resemble you more and more. She’s gonna be a stunner.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted The only sure fire hit for Father’s Day.

  34. I’m entranced by the Trance Dog. I may also be a tranny who can transmute tappas into Tapenadas. Tada!

    Like

    The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful recently posted Addicted to Paint.

  35. Can you imagine how drunk and fucked up we are all gonna be when the Internet DOES have signs? I’m thinking hologram ads jumping out at you that you have to punch to close.

    Like

    Wagthedad recently posted Kids’ Birthday Parties Are Great Places To Pick Up Chicks- But It Really Depends On Your Sexual Orientation.

  36. Loved the Zombie movie (all 3 parts) and also the nom-nom picture video! And thanks, skreidle @4:27 p.m., for the rom-com link. My zombie needs have been met… for now.

    Like

    toni in florida recently posted I’m gonna do it in public this morning.

  37. That sign is just genious! It’s simplicity and it’s fullness of wisdom is impressive.

    Like

    Virag Escapist mom recently posted Don’t you just all love Harry Potter.

  38. We wrote a blog entry on the lioness trying to eat the kid.

    I believe we declared the parents douche canoes.

    Like

    Evil_Cat_Grrl recently posted So happy….

  39. I love that sign. I also want one that says “If you are going to act like that, go somewhere so I can’t see you.” Mine doesn’t work so well for blogs….

    Like

    Johi recently posted I had a Painkiller and now I need a painkiller.

  40. Now we know why your daughter is so insanely cute.

    Jenny cute + Victor cute = insanely cute kids.

    You’ve been keeping Victor under wraps to (try to) ward off internet hussies like myself from lusting after him…so, so selfish. 😉

    Like

  41. Thanks for the laughs! I always wanted to know what Bernadette Peters would look like in a green neglige singing while being ass fucked. Now I don’t have to imagine anymore.😛

    Like

  42. Did you ever watch The Young and the Restless? Evidently I did, because anytime you mention Victor, that’s the guy that pops into my head.

    Are you in a soap opera?

    Am I?

    Like

    Suniverse recently posted This is going to be completely incoherent Youve been warned.

  43. I love the sign! I wish people came with warning signs: “beware, I’m a total liar” or “I only bathe twice a week” or “I am evidence of what parents should NEVER expose their kids to”. Would make being judgy so much easier.

    Like

  44. One of my blogs is on the more sensitive side where we talk about feelings. I have a notice that reads, “All trolls will be kicked out and set on fire.” I mean it with all my heart.

    Like

    Fred Miller recently posted Homicidal Tractors.

  45. That dog is DEFINITELY trying to hypnotize you. And I love how they put a disclaimer in the description that they didn’t name the dog.

    Like

    thehaughtylibrarian recently posted Chewing Tobacco.

  46. That whole Grandma video is going to give me a nightmare. Thanks tons.

    Like

    Brenna recently posted This is really disturbing.

  47. My Mama found that sign a few years ago and bought it for herself for her birthday. It now hangs on our front door.

    Like

    Jenna recently posted Random Monday Musings.

  48. James Garfield really ought to be on a Forever stamp, because nothing else quite says “timeless classic” like he does, not even the Liberty Bell.

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted Stumpy the Merman.

  49. I want that “Be Nice or Leave” sign for my classroom.

    That is all.

    Like

  50. I’m “new” here. A friend posted your blog on her Facebook and I just want to say I love you! SO funny! I gave you a shout out on my blog!

    Like

    Amy Lee recently posted The Bloggess.

  51. I would so put that in my office.

    Like

  52. Love the first sign!

    Like

    Ryan recently posted Troy- Part One- A Lesson In Greatness.

  53. In New Orleans, a bar is not legit (or respectable!) without a “Be Nice Or Leave” sign hand-painted by Dr. Bob and framed with beer bottle caps.

    http://drbobart.net/

    Like

  54. I had so much fun reading your blog, and although I feel very bad for Victor I’m sure you two will celebrate a happy anniversary together! Keep up the good work by the way, I have yet to read on your sexis blog (can’t wait !) I’m sure it will be just as fun ^^

    Like

  55. 56
    Springahead

    That giant guard dog hypnotized me into donating $25 for his foster care!

    Like

  56. Oh, goodie, reading for the whole week! Thank you!

    Like

    Sheila recently posted Insta-Friday (oops, Saturday).

  57. My employer is not a total douche-canoe, but I still can’t get your work-safe sex column at my work because I work for city goverment at a public library. This blows. Even though I get complaints from random patrons that “oh, that guy over there is looking at PORN”, I can’t read something that will help make MY day go by easier so I can restrain myslef from smacking the crap out of people that repeatedly ask me how to print, while they are standing next to a sign saying, appropriately, HOW TO PRINT. And then I have to show them again the next day, becasue, “yopu know, I just didn’t get it.” Well, I guess reading is too much to hope for in a freakin’ library, a#%^.

    You see my desperate need for daily distractions.

    Like

  58. I used the word work way too much in the last post and now I look like an illiterate douche-canoe.

    Like

  59. I have that “Be Nice or Leave” sign. I make every single child who comes over for a play date read it. And then I ask them if they understand it. It’s a bit like “anything you say can and will be used against you” but for kids.

    Like

    Andrea recently posted Criminals Are Getting Younger Every Day.

  60. I seriously think I am obsessed with your blog. The shit-i-did-while-i-wasnt-here is genius! I write for a bunch of different blogs too so I may borrow this idea (and give you all the credit of course…consider it one of my shit-i-wish-i-thought-of-this moments). And Beyonce the chicken? highlight of my week, thank you!!!

    Like

  61. 62
    PapaLovesDaddy

    Jenny,
    I think you are awesome and hysterical. I love everything you do and almost everything you link to.
    However, the Nom Nom babies song contains a very disturbing homophobic line. It sucked all the funny out of the song.
    It made me feel sad, then stabby. Then I thought about how nice you are and how you persevere through all the crosses that you bear while being an awesome mom and wife and making me laugh various liquids through my nose and I felt bad about complaining. Then I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say SOMETHING so I have and I feel better. However, I’m afraid you won’t want to be my friend now despite the fact that I have a nine year old daughter and I can tell you what to expect in the next couple years with your daughter (SPOILER: there are multiplication tables in third grade!). You’re awesome, please don’t hate me. Ok. Bye.

    Like

  62. oh wow. we totally had a sign that said this at the last bakery I worked at. the assholes never took it seriously. that’s part of what made them assholes, actually.

    Like

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