I saw this sign in a pizza shop last week and I thought, How nice would it be to have a sign like that on your blog?
Then I remembered that you can’t hang signs on a blog.
Then I remembered that I had a camera.
Problem solved.
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There’s a lot of empty space here because I’m bad with layouts it’s restful to your eyes, but I assure you, there’s important stuff below.
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And now, this week’s Shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
- Not today.
- In all fairness to the lion, babies are delicious.
- Safer than a trampoline. Possibly.
- And that’s what Victor looks like.
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
- A friend of mine emailed me a link to an article discussing vagina cosmetic surgery. And by “friend” I mean “someone who wants me to forever be self-conscious of my lady garden.”
- Not all sex tapes are created equal.
- The severed head of the Patron Saint of VD is for sale. So now you know what to get me for my birthday.
What you missed in my shop, tentatively “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
- In my defense, the full blog title says “Ken Hoffman is a Jerk (according to his friends).” Also, I wrote that when I was young and immature. Like, two years ago.
- I published some pictures. It’s been a slow week.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- “MOUSE…”
- Dear Photograph.
- Zombie Musical. Why are we just now coming up with this?
- NOT ON MY WATCH.
- I’d have exactly the same problem.
- Picture songs. Awesome.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the amazing volunteers at Virtual Fluffies, a nonprofit organization dedicated to getting big, fluffy dogs into foster care or adopted. They are fucking *adorable*. The big, fluffy dogs, I mean. Probably the volunteers are too. Also, some of the dogs have super-powers. Like this one, who I’m pretty sure is trying to hypnotize me. So basically he’s a giant guard dog who can PUT BURGLARS INTO TRANCES. These dogs are magic.* You need to go rescue one.
*Dogs might not actually be magic.
I want a sign like that to hang around my neck!!!!! 🙂
Crazy! I jJUSt saw this sign in a bar on Tuesday night and I thought it was awesome! What a coincidence. Ok. I’ll go read the rest now.
I want that sign on my blog banner. I have a new asshat commenting lately.
A coworker of mine has a poster that says that on his bulletin board. When our project manager (not our supervisor) came in one day with a bad attitude and a bone to pick, she started, looked at the poster, stood up and left! It works!
I love it. Of course if I hung it here…my kids would have to evacuate the premises!
I am absolutely, positively, getting a sign like that for my house, for my car, for my life.* Love it!
* I reserve the right to remove it when I feel the need to be less than nice – but only for deserved occasions.
Those are all the people I wouldn’t want to hang out with. Nice people drive me nuts…except occasionally…like on February 29th…
I need that sign
Thank God for this. Boredom almost forced me to go jogging. *yeesh*
Sorry, but my cats are way smarter than that stupid “mouse” cat.
It’s a great sign and is almost making me want to change my blog name to it!
Damn, that sign would look freaking excellent next to my “The Witch is In/Out” one. I’m not too sure how the administration/parents of my students would feel about it though. The public school system isn’t very understanding about sarcasm.
I have to say, I think I love you, o mighty Bloggess. Can I steal (or borrow, depends on what you prefer) this sign for my blog? You’re welcome to check it out by the way and see if you approve. It’s in Polish though, so I guess you won’t have much of a read…
There’s always the asshole who plays semantics over the definitions of words like “nice,” so I’d feel the obsessive need to include specific clarification. My sign would be too long and less likely to be read. Maybe “WARNING: Kicks nuts when pissed.”
I saw the “Ken Hoffman is a Jerk” twitter claim to fame and thought you were joking. I should have known better. I really should have. I was so sure it was a joke I didn’t even bother googling it. Today’s little blurb on it had me Google and sure enough…
The question is, did you get increased traffic after that to this site? People read his article, Google the title of the post he mentioned, see Jenny Lawson, Google Jenny Lawson and eventually reach here? Because is so, we should all email him thanking him for your new readers. Like ALL of us. He’d like that, right?
I am buying something next payday so I can put that receipt on the fridge. It will back up years of falsified Quicken entries like “whores” instead of “Macys”.
Love the sign. And yes, a camera can fix all sorts of problems. Sort of like a hammer.*
~EdT.
*Note: don’t take this as a suggestion that you use your camera as a hammer.
I think we should just tattoo people who violate the message of the sign, with the message of the sign- right across the inside of their corneas, then every time they open their eyes, they have no choice but to be reminded. Wait. does that disturbing thought put me in violation of the sign? geez. NOW we see the violence inherent in the system.
That sign is brilliant! Yep, that’s all I’ve got because I haven’t had any caffeine yet. Just to be clear, caffeine isn’t code for crack or anything. If I had to smoke crack, that wouldn’t be good because I have asthma so I’d be walking around as a weezing crackhead and it would make it more difficult to run from the cops.
That Dear Photograph site is definitely kind of awesome. One of the most amazing parts (to me) is how many people actually can find pics that fit into their original settings, to hold up and take the photo today…
I’m being nice, so I’m definitely not planning to leave 😉
I’m glad I’m not the only one who now feels compelled to intone “Mouse…mouse!” My cat hates me even more now.
And thank you for the link to the Amanda Palmer diddy…I now have a song about geographical snatch in my head.
LURVE the James Garfield stamps. The Zazzle ad is great, but the line “Only $15.55 in bulk!” makes it ART!
I want that sign for my office door. Only with an addendum, that says “WITH YOUR SKULL BEAT IN.” I feel it would really drive the point home.
The zombie musical was hilarious. But it can’t compare to Evil Dead: The Musical, which I was fortunate enough to see this past Halloween. AMAZING! If it ever comes to Texas you must check it out.
You know I could quite easily die happy thanks to “nom nom nom nom babies.”
…
Providing the death isn’t long and excruciatingly painful. Because if that were the case I’m pretty sure I’d forget about the baby thing by the end.
You discovered the MOUSE! Oh Happy Days!
Yay, Victor! Adorable.
Well, that Victor is just a cold stone fox, now isn’t he?
I bet my left nugget the sign is too complicated for at least 10 people 😛 .
“Ma’m i jas wann boy som stuf , i could be naice if that meins a lowa price, otherwaise ill stay neutral “
I’ll see your zombie musical and raise you a zombie rom-com: Rotting Hill!
http://www.wired.com/underwire/2011/06/zombie-rom-com-rotting-hill/
I wish I could have a dog right now…I’ve always wanted a magic dog.
I wasn’t really bored … but reading your weekly wrap-up always makes my Sunday.
(of course, my phrase of the week will now be “I’m big pimpin’ in America”).
Now as she’s getting a little older, Hailey is really starting to resemble you more and more. She’s gonna be a stunner.
I’m entranced by the Trance Dog. I may also be a tranny who can transmute tappas into Tapenadas. Tada!
Can you imagine how drunk and fucked up we are all gonna be when the Internet DOES have signs? I’m thinking hologram ads jumping out at you that you have to punch to close.
Loved the Zombie movie (all 3 parts) and also the nom-nom picture video! And thanks, skreidle @4:27 p.m., for the rom-com link. My zombie needs have been met… for now.
That sign is just genious! It’s simplicity and it’s fullness of wisdom is impressive.
We wrote a blog entry on the lioness trying to eat the kid.
I believe we declared the parents douche canoes.
I love that sign. I also want one that says “If you are going to act like that, go somewhere so I can’t see you.” Mine doesn’t work so well for blogs….
Now we know why your daughter is so insanely cute.
Jenny cute + Victor cute = insanely cute kids.
You’ve been keeping Victor under wraps to (try to) ward off internet hussies like myself from lusting after him…so, so selfish. 😉
Thanks for the laughs! I always wanted to know what Bernadette Peters would look like in a green neglige singing while being ass fucked. Now I don’t have to imagine anymore. 😛
Did you ever watch The Young and the Restless? Evidently I did, because anytime you mention Victor, that’s the guy that pops into my head.
Are you in a soap opera?
Am I?
I love the sign! I wish people came with warning signs: “beware, I’m a total liar” or “I only bathe twice a week” or “I am evidence of what parents should NEVER expose their kids to”. Would make being judgy so much easier.
One of my blogs is on the more sensitive side where we talk about feelings. I have a notice that reads, “All trolls will be kicked out and set on fire.” I mean it with all my heart.
That dog is DEFINITELY trying to hypnotize you. And I love how they put a disclaimer in the description that they didn’t name the dog.
That whole Grandma video is going to give me a nightmare. Thanks tons.
My Mama found that sign a few years ago and bought it for herself for her birthday. It now hangs on our front door.
James Garfield really ought to be on a Forever stamp, because nothing else quite says “timeless classic” like he does, not even the Liberty Bell.
I want that “Be Nice or Leave” sign for my classroom.
That is all.
I’m “new” here. A friend posted your blog on her Facebook and I just want to say I love you! SO funny! I gave you a shout out on my blog!
Awesome sign.
I would so put that in my office.
Love the first sign!
In New Orleans, a bar is not legit (or respectable!) without a “Be Nice Or Leave” sign hand-painted by Dr. Bob and framed with beer bottle caps.
http://drbobart.net/
I had so much fun reading your blog, and although I feel very bad for Victor I’m sure you two will celebrate a happy anniversary together! Keep up the good work by the way, I have yet to read on your sexis blog (can’t wait !) I’m sure it will be just as fun ^^
That giant guard dog hypnotized me into donating $25 for his foster care!
Oh, goodie, reading for the whole week! Thank you!
My employer is not a total douche-canoe, but I still can’t get your work-safe sex column at my work because I work for city goverment at a public library. This blows. Even though I get complaints from random patrons that “oh, that guy over there is looking at PORN”, I can’t read something that will help make MY day go by easier so I can restrain myslef from smacking the crap out of people that repeatedly ask me how to print, while they are standing next to a sign saying, appropriately, HOW TO PRINT. And then I have to show them again the next day, becasue, “yopu know, I just didn’t get it.” Well, I guess reading is too much to hope for in a freakin’ library, a#%^.
You see my desperate need for daily distractions.
I used the word work way too much in the last post and now I look like an illiterate douche-canoe.
I have that “Be Nice or Leave” sign. I make every single child who comes over for a play date read it. And then I ask them if they understand it. It’s a bit like “anything you say can and will be used against you” but for kids.
I seriously think I am obsessed with your blog. The shit-i-did-while-i-wasnt-here is genius! I write for a bunch of different blogs too so I may borrow this idea (and give you all the credit of course…consider it one of my shit-i-wish-i-thought-of-this moments). And Beyonce the chicken? highlight of my week, thank you!!!
Jenny,
I think you are awesome and hysterical. I love everything you do and almost everything you link to.
However, the Nom Nom babies song contains a very disturbing homophobic line. It sucked all the funny out of the song.
It made me feel sad, then stabby. Then I thought about how nice you are and how you persevere through all the crosses that you bear while being an awesome mom and wife and making me laugh various liquids through my nose and I felt bad about complaining. Then I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say SOMETHING so I have and I feel better. However, I’m afraid you won’t want to be my friend now despite the fact that I have a nine year old daughter and I can tell you what to expect in the next couple years with your daughter (SPOILER: there are multiplication tables in third grade!). You’re awesome, please don’t hate me. Ok. Bye.
oh wow. we totally had a sign that said this at the last bakery I worked at. the assholes never took it seriously. that’s part of what made them assholes, actually.