I apologize in advance for disappointing you

in blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, I pronounce it Pwerto Rrrreeeko, phoning it in, Random Crap, weekly reruns

Um…hi.

So apparently my blog went viral and/or bacterial with my last post.  This seems like the kind of thing people dream about, but since I don’t get paid by traffic it really just meant that my servers crashed and a lot of angry people yelled at me that I should kill myself in really creative (and violently misspelled) ways.   Which actually?  Was kind of hysterical, and Victor and I cannot stop quoting you.  Well done, you.

For those of you who are new here and who actually want to stick around, welcome.  And also I’m sorry.  Normally this would be a moderately clever paragraph about wolverines or giant squid, but I’m in Puerto Rico this week and I’m just too sleepy to be witty.  Luckily, I’ve made a t-shirt for you. (Also available in infant sizes.)

****

And now, this week’s Shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

  • Nothing.  I’m on vacation.

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop, tentatively “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • A Beyonce Chicken card. The inside of the card says “Knock-knock, motherfuckers” so it’s pretty much perfect for all occassions.  I suggest keeping several handy for condolence cards.

What  you missed on the internets:

  • I have no idea.  I heard my blog was on the front page of Fark.  I’ve been vaguely unplugged so I’m sure I’m missing something.

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF. Sadly, I can’t link to any of it because I keep losing my internet connection.  Also, I’m sitting in the business center of the hotel while everyone else is out on the beach and it’s making me sad.  Seriously.  Even the guy who runs the business center is out there. I promise to make up for all of this when I get home.  Tales of cock-fighting, planes falling from the sky, and intentionally drinking bacteria will abound.  Unless I get distracted…ooh look, carpet!

This week’s round-up sponsored by the dangerously awesome people at Credit Karma, who want to help you save your money. They’ve been featured everyplace from CNN to the New York Times but they’re open-minded enough to realize that being featured on irreverent blogs like this one can be just as valid. This either means they are brilliant or completely daft. Either way, you should check them out.


     

     

162 thoughts on “I apologize in advance for disappointing you”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Love your writing – I’m one of the people who found it when you went viral, and I’m definitely sticking around! Thanks for brightening my day with real out-loud laugher 🙂

  3. Call me crazy, but I’m still hoping to hear that you brought the women’s lib movement to the Puerto Rico cockfighting scene.
    “Knock-knock motherfucker” indeed.

  5. I circumvented your wonky unopening blog by googling the url and opening it in mobile format. After that it loaded fine. Douchebag. The blog, not you. Have you offended anyone in PR yet by asking where Rico Sauve is? Have you bought some cock spurs for Ferris Mewler? Please don’t. He may cut a bitch with them since he would be bitter about not being able to use them to climb the Christmas tree.

    Safe travels! I can’t be the only one anxiously anticipating what taxidermied precious you’ll bring home.

  6. Yeah, I found you with the last post. Find you quite awesome. Plan to stick around. Am reading your previous posts. My husband is getting scared. I keep giggling like a crazy person.

  8. I hope that when you say cockfighting, you mean a battle to the death between Beyonce and someone’s penis.

  9. Viral chickens… The next thing you know, they will be pinning bird flu on you.

    Don’t let the haters get to you. You rock and you inspire so many! Servers be damned! (Or not, or else your blog will go down again and people will be more angry. But you can put a giant metal chicken on their doorstep and scare the holy shit out of them.)

    Wolverines!!!!

  10. Things my husband and I have been quoting to each other all week:

    “Knock knock, motherfucker.”
    “At least it’s not towels.”
    And… the one that has us laughing the hardest, “15 years is big metal chickens.” We’re hitting 20 years in a few months and we’re wondering what that one is. A flock of big metal chickens?

  12. Yep. You showed up on Pinterest and Facebook and on all 3 of my message boards. Then my girlfriends in Texas found Beyonce look alikes at a market in the middle of bumblefuck East Texas. They bought them, strapped them on their cars and are now plotting the demise of the HOA in their subdivision. Well done indeed.

  13. I am another one of the new readers who got linked to your ‘Knock Knock, Motherfucker’ post about 10 times before I actually had the chance to read it.

    You may be interested to know that it was read out, compete with different voices and heavy emphasis on the capitals, at a dinner in a restaurant which then had surrounding tables trying to listen in. “Knock Knock, Motherfucker” is my new favourite quote.

  14. I found your blog fantastically AWESOME! I was pointed to it during the viral episode, which I would think would produce yards of material for future speculative posts. 🙂 I, on the other hand, just figured out how to add music to my posts and felt quite proud of that small victory. Enjoy the vacay!

  15. I was here before you got a virus, or whatever is wrong with you these days. I think you’re just using Puerto Rico as an excuse.
    Still.. I’ll be back to read the next post….. And your kitten rants on Twitter. I guess I pretty much stalk you (ish).

  16. You should enjoy the sunshine while your fame spreads! You’ll have plenty of time to bask in your viralness when you return…but not enough to bask in beach sun! 🙂 Have fun!

  17. Here I was, all excited you were going to make a “Knock, knock…” viral chicken shirt (which is the first thing I thought of when I saw the awesome picture) and in gorgeous pure irony it was your “I’m SORRY for disappointing you.” shirt. Well played, Bloggess.

    And if you ever do make said shirt, I will immediately (and frivolously) spend my husband’s hard earned money on one. I mean, I do work, but I would take it out of HIS section of our joint account. Either that, or steal it from a charity.

    Heather – long time reader, first time commenter … I LOVE your blog.

  19. All those cranky folk, who complained about the viral/bacterial thing, just need a bath in sanitizer gel and to get over themselves. I’m sticking around…of course, I just got here.

  20. I missed you, Jenny! Thank God for Twitter or I would have had withdrawls. Enjoy the rest of your trip… And really, how could Beyonce NOT go viral?!?!?!?

  22. I love seeing your blog go viral — it’ll be great for book sales!

    I also have to say, “You. Are. Adorable!” I’ve never seen anyone handle trolls as beautifully as you do, mocking the real jerks with good humour and being gentle to those who speak politely even though they are being incredibly rude to judge you at all. You are not only hilarious (loved this post, but I’ve laughed this hard dozens of times reading your blog), but you are also so clearly a very kind person. Victor comes through in your writing as an awesome guy, and I’m sure he knows how lucky he is. He should buy you towels or something in appreciation.

  23. Ahem. In response to the Lady Parts artricle: Oh. My. God. Don’t ever google ‘vaginal rejuvenation surgery’. That shit will destroy your female psyche forever. Especially if you’ve ever evicted a human being from said lady parts. Just don’t do it.

    Also, I didn’t get in on the Beyonce discussion soon enough, but this is what I would have said:

    Cluck, cluck, motherfuckers.

  24. I am here to stay!! I do believe I am still laughing!!! You also have a couple of other new followers that I passed you to. Thanks!!!

  25. That last post was awesome. Everyone should love giant chickens!

    It cracks me up that you tweeted about your insomnia and wondered if the post was even funny. Imagine if you didn’t post it and those angry commenters would have had no one to yell at.

    Kudos to you for handling the trolls well it actually says a lot about your character and why you have this blog.

  27. You are amazing. And my ‘Do Something stupid’ fund is getting bigger. Maybe I should by a giant metal chicken to scare the killer dog in my back yard?

  29. I do believe you should trademark your new phrase, “Knock, Knock, Motherfucker.” 😉 Loved it and your blog.

    Sissy

  30. So I read through the Fark thread and most of them are expecting you to get a divorce soon. No one bothered to mention that you write satire.

  31. Wow I read your blog for the first time. I read it to everyone. I even used it on facebook. Yesterday was my 18th wedding ann. and I asked if anyone thought 18 was giant metal chickens. love your humor.

  32. Oh MY God!!!!!! You’re in puerto rico!!! For How Long? I’m a huge puertorrican fan And i would love to meet you! !!!!!!!!! Please please pretty Please! !!!!!!! (i’m begining to sound like psycho now , i apologize. ..)

  33. How does your chicken card (which is genius, I admit) not say “Bock Bock, Motherfucker” instead of Knock Knock??? I won’t lie, when I linked it to EVERY friend I had on FB, “Bock bock, who’s there?” was my comment every single time! And it was awesome!

  34. You should totally have a t-shirt with that cute “SIDWIWH” logo on it! I would totally buy the first one and wear it to church! And could Beyonce come visit my yard sometime??

  35. You are NEVER disappointing, woman!
    Hope you’re having a blast in Puerto Rico.
    I also hope you’re drinking a lot and swearing up a storm while there.

  36. Hi,

    I was one of the people who found you from Fark. My husband almost had to call an ambulance to my house because I was making beached dolphin noised and turning mismatching shades of colors because I was laughing so hard. I have several undocumented cats as well and all my pets are named after pharmaceuticals.

    Needless to say I will be sticking around.

  37. I’m having this image of Beyoncé threatening to cut everyone, so that you and the family had to not only flee the house, but in fact the continental United States, in order to feel safe.

    Of course I’m also imagining a nationwide run on enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums. I can see stores raising the prices even as I type.

    I also imagine you coming home from Puerto Rico to find a mountain of packages full of towels from adoring fans. Which would totally happen if we knew your address. But then you’d also have more crazy stalkers dropping by for coffee than Beyoncé could cut up for you, so that would be a bad idea.

    Um, is it obvious I’m on pain drugs?

  38. The person who makes the giant metal chickens (yes I think there’s only one) should use this scenario as a way of selling them.

    “Buy a giant metal chicken and you will have the power to break the internet… Also people will look down on you but it’s totally worth it because others will like you.”

    If that doesn’t sell giant metal chickens I don’t know what will.

  39. I wish you did get paid for the traffic! You deserve it.

    I am a bit sad about the t-shirt, though. If you had a t-shirt with a giant chicken on it, I bet you would sell a TON. It wouldn’t even needs words– just a giant chicken.

    Anyway, I’m sticking around!

  41. I don’t know how, but I forgot about “knock knock motherfuckers” (which I totally could have used when I arrived at my in-laws’ house yesterday for my niece’s birthday party). Boo on me for forgetting shit all the time. Or boo on the baby who hasn’t slept more than 2 hours in 9 months. At any rate HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! And I’m still looking forward to the big metal chicken for next year’s 15th anniversary.

  42. I for one am new to your blog and will absolutely stick around. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages! My wife as well. She loves to read about your insomnia as she also has chronic insomnia.

    So thanks for just being you. Too bad you don’t get paid for traffic, that would have been a nice bonus. 🙂

  43. I’ve read your blog for a while but have never commented but now feel the need to comment and say that I was reading your blog well before the cock incident. I guess that makes me a BC reader.

  44. Was ‘turned on’ to ur site this last week via FB and absolutely fell in love! I’ve never read a blog b4 but I am officially hooked on yours. Thanks for the satire hun!

  45. I have made everyone read the knock knock motherfucker chicken blog. Just started a blog of my own and can only aspire to be as witty as you!!

  46. I couldn’t comment on that huge post, either, but I knew exactly why. I was happy for you. If I ever cuss you out, it will all be impeccably spelled and punctuated.

  47. I came for the 5 foot cock, but I’m going to continue reading for the irrational anger in the comments. Both are equally awesome.

  48. Your blog went viral? I think there’s a cream for that. I really hope you brought Giant Metal Chicken with you. That would be so awesome. Would you check it with your bags or get it a seat in business class? Hmm.

  49. I’m still disappointed. Ordering the motherfucker cards, but was hoping the t-shirt said, “Festering Chickens Ruin Marriages.”

  51. One of my facebook friends posted the last blog and since I’m terminally curious I clicked on. And started reading. My cats were looking afraid when I was laughing so hard (at the cat waterbed post, amont others) that I was crying and gasping. I put your blog on my weekly reading list and read back through as many pages as I had time for then.

  52. You just know Beyonce is using those cards to rattle her cockfighting competitors! It’s like the mafia’s kiss of death but with a giant metal chicken saying “knock, knock motherfucers!”

    Brilliant!

  53. Oooh yes! A chicken Knock, Knock shirt would be awesome. Love, love, love the cards too! Enjoy your vacation and remember, don’t put ice in your drinks unless it’s bottled ice!

  54. if you ever do kill yourself (and i hope you don’t, i have to add, in case there’s any doubt) then i hope you do it in a very sedate, boring, uncreative way just. out. of. spite. to show them all.
    is it just me, or are people weird? (and i don’t mean you, or, well … there was the giant chicken (and seriously, a giant cock? are you trying to give subliminal messages?)) like i say, weird.

  55. I absolutely adore that cartoon of you, can I ask who did it? also, of course that giant chicken went viral, you said you lived in texas right… I’m sure that makes it ok.

    PS and no, I don’t make any sense… I’m kind a hoping this comment is going to go viral

    PPS I did love that chicken though

  56. ZOMG, Lean Cuisine should TOTALLY hire you to write their ads – Knock, knock off those pounds, motherfucker. Eat a baby.

  57. Wow … that last post. People are NUTS. I actually said some very rude things said about Victor. Apparently people think that you hate your husband. It’s obvious that you are nuts (the good way “nuts”) about the guy.

    Thank you for sharing the secrets of getting along with the nemesis (not the enemy) who lives under the same roof.

    I have my own.

  58. For the record, Beyonce saved me from that giant snake in the Harry Potter movies last night. I really need some ac to stop these nightmares.

  60. Yeah, FARKers are notorious for shattering servers. Proud to be one and a long time reader of here.

  61. I request this shirt:

    “I caught the bloggess before it went viral.”

    Or something like that. Be witty when you aren’t tired and/or gazing longingly at the beach you aren’t at because you are inside on your comp. General idea: you are a disease and those of us who caught you before you officially went viral should have a way of broadcasting our misfortune.

  63. Well I am sorry for being part of the problem…. but that post was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I posted it on facebook, emailed it to people…. and now we all want a giant metal chicken. Laughing out loud made a not so good day so much better. I am sorry people want to kill you because of it. Clearly they were having a much worse day than I was….

  64. Your “I pronounce it Pwerto Rrrreeeko” tag made me immediately start singing “Rrrriiiiiiiiiiico. Suaaaaaaaaave.” on the top of my lungs. My roommate wants thank you for that.

  66. Holy shiznit, over two thousand comments. That’s insane. A fairly lame facebook friend just posted your link and while she liked it, one of her friends (but not mine, have no idea who this person is) started critiquing y’all’s marriage. I’m all, “Wait a minute, mother fuckers. That’s Jenny and Victor you’re talking about. You don’t know them like *I* do.” Only, that’s all in my head. I don’t engage in facebook feuds. Waste of time. Oh and I don’t know you guys either, I just like you. Cause you’re smart and funny. In summary, if someone doesn’t get you, then fuck them. You make me laugh regularly, so thanks.

  67. I hear is mighty hot in that little piece of dirt I call home. Go to Culebra Island, thank me later.
    There’s also a vivacious cock fighting circuit down there, so “knock, knock motherfucker”.

  69. Jen:
    Yep, I found you via a tag on FB, and laughed even on the 10th re-read. You spurred me on to start my own blog up!

    Now, with this posting, I’m so disappointed with you. Seriously. I just expected something more from you. HOW COULD YOU GO ON VACATION AND LEAVE BEYONCE BEHIND!? You, woman, are a monster. Think of all the towels that aren’t being held in Puerto Rico.

    I hope you & Victor are having a blast, & drink plenty of rum for me!!!

  70. Sorry. I was part of the problem. But then, I often am. You had me laughing so hard milk was squirting out my nose. I wasn’t even drinking milk. But then I sent your link to like ELEVEN people. And that was when your site probably crashed.

  71. I’m one of those viral people too. One of my sorority sisters posted the link to your blog on facebook. Then I posted it. Then about 10 more sorority sisters posted it. Obviously, my sorority sisters and I would like giant chickens to piss off our husbands with. I’m glad you are on vacation but sorry you had to deal with going viral while trying to relax. Hope you get home soon…this blog and good mom/bad mom are now on my “popular” bookmark tab:)

  72. I hate you In the nicest posible way. Because I’m now 50 pages into your blog and haven’t slept and my husband is pissed because I’m making him take care of our two kids while I giggle and quote you to him. Plus I have demanded a giant metal chicken for my birthday. I’m 4’11” and that FUCKING CHICKEN WOULD HAVE BEEN BIGGER THAN ME. AND THAT’S AWESOME.
    In summary, I hate but love you, and my husband hates you and my kids are confused and if my husband doesn’t buy me a giant metal chicken sculpture I have threatened retaliation with a live manatee.

  73. SO – I maybe contributed to the “viral-ness” of your last post.
    I’d tell you to shoot me – but I read some more about you and you could just do that. LOL.
    After forwarding your blog to my hubbie – he replied that the two of us (he and I, not you and i) should go in to business making large roosters and painting them. This could be a “couple hobby”. I’d prefer we get drunk and screw (he and I, not you and I).
    Anyways – BRAVA!

    JEn

  74. I was also part of the problem. Your 5 foot metal chicken post has made the rounds of the “milkooks” aka military bloggers. We love you. Lots and lots.

    Thank you so very much for making us laugh; it’s *the* best medicine and helps us all cope so much better.

  75. I am SO PROUD to have been one of “The Problem People”…and to have found your blog in the process! Aptly, I discovered it (via a facebook friend, of course) as a friend and I were returning home from a girls’ day of our own. Sadly, we did not find anything as spectacular as Beyonce, but I DID get a new hat. It’s almost as good. As I read the Beyonce entry aloud, I had to stop several times because I was laughing too hard and couldn’t breathe. Thank goodness I wasn’t the one who had to keep the car on the road…though if we had been pulled over, I likely would have greeted the cop with “Knock, knock, motherfucker” and cycled into another round of giggles. It’s probably a good thing we passed unnoticed by the local law enforcement folks.

    Anyhow, I’ll be sticking around too…looking forward to reading more!

  76. My sister sent me your chicken story and I laughed my ass off! My BFF’s and I are on the hunt for a 5 ft chicken now! I’m sticking around baby!!!

  77. I actually read “pick your battles” as a link from Facebook! Infamous or famous – who cares. One of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time. Thanks for your clever mind, writing talent and best friend who makes you do great and funny things!

  78. It was amazing to see five different Facebook friends of mine post a link to your giant metal cock blog post. If they’d been listening to me, they would have been reading your stuff a long time ago.

  79. Crap, I had no idea people went batshit on your last post. That was some damn good reading. Number one way to not only show you’re a douche canoe but also that you have no idea who Jenny is? Suggest she should have donated to charity instead.

    Oh, and (4 days later) it JUST occurred to me that we’re going to be married 15 years this July. You’ve really raised the bar on EPIC gifts.

  80. Sweet Babou likes to stand outside the bathroom and say “knock, knock motherfucker” when I am trying to make weewee. I am so glad this blog has brought him joy, but I am going to hit him with a hairdryer if he doesn’t stop.

  82. Straight from the facebook bandwagon – can’t stop thinking(laughing) about this post. Totally made my day and still makes me giggle. You’re fantastic!

  83. found you because your post went viral. txted you along to my friend.

    me: check out this blog. i want desperately want to be friends with this girl.
    friend: i deperately want to BE this girl.

    we’re sticking around. thanks for having us.

  84. Call me crazy, but seeing as how this blog gets so much traffic, shouldn’t the “Bloggess” have installed Google AdSense long ago? Haha. Anyway, bug fan of this blog. It’s not every day you find people so open to dissing themselves and frequently saying “fuck” on their blog. 😛

  85. I also found you from your viral thing and love you! You kept me entertained during my insomnia this week.

  86. When your post went viral, my post linked in your comments got a ton of traffic! I’ve never had more than 40 hits on a post, but that one got over 700! So, thanks for that! I hope you’re having some ridiculous adventures in Puerto Rico! I can’t wait to hear about them.

  87. How awesome to have a blog go viral! I sent it to everyone I knew. I laughed until I cried so hard there were tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t talk, and then I told the story to everyone I met for the next 3 days. That was the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. Tell Victor he rocks for being a good sport. I just found your blog last week before you posted that but will be checking back in again. Have a great vacation!

  88. I don’t know if you’ll even get a chance to read this comment, but I can’t stop cackling uncontrollably as I read EVERY single one of your posts. My husband is becoming concerned with my mental health and this is not good as I’m entering grad school for Counseling Psychology in the Fall. Is that ironic or symbolic? Hell, I don’t know. Thank you for taking my mind off my troubles and I gotta say, I love the 5′ Chicken. Perspective. Yes.

  89. I found you with your last post when a friend posted a link to it on Facebook. I am now on page 22 and still going – more than once I’ve laughed so hard I’ve nearly passed out. I’ve also passed that link around to as many people as I could, via Facebook and my friends on my MSN and even on a forum I frequent.

    So…yeah…if I helped crash your server?

    Sorry for disappointing you.

    Keep being awesome.

  90. Congrats, virus. Maybe think about getting paid for traffic? And who bitches at somebody for a server crashing? WTF. Anyway, good that you’re back.

  91. At long last, Jenny, you have become a mythical hobbit, except without the ad revenue. Congratulations?

  93. So now that you’ve gone viral, I’m afraid I’m going to have to be all “Yeah, I liked The Bloggess BEFORE she went mainstream,” which is how I got about U2 back in 1984. Which will make me insufferable to just about everyone.

  95. I started reading you with Beyonce too. I was laughing so hard that my husband had to read you too. This of course led to us quoting you all weekend too like various other people. But the funny thing is we do need towels and all my hubby kept saying is where the heck can I get a 5 foot cock like that? Then the cat waterbed? Priceless. I’m sticking around. So very glad you went viral!

  96. I put your link up on facebook for a group I thought would like it. I even set it all up well…I mentioned a 5′ Cock. Who could resist that, right? I got…

    *crickets*

    I need new friends apparently.

    Knock-Knock…

  97. Enjoy Puerto Rico .

    I have a friend who is one of your faithful readers. I hadn’t the chance to check out your blog before she gave me the link to your Chicken story, lol! It cracked me up.

    Sorry about the servers, lol! It was for a good cuase–laughing. 🙂

    Sia McKye’s Thoughts…OVER COFFEE

  98. My sister was quoting an email to me yesterday and when she said “giant chicken” and “Victor” I said, “Is that the Bloggess? She and I are SO CLOSE. I even sat across from her at BlogHer one year, but she was in a wig so she probably didn’t recognize me.” My sister didn’t laugh. I think the chicken was distracting her…

  99. The viral thing…THAT’S why I had over 100 visits from your site in one day last week simply for leaving a couple of comments.

    Here’s hoping you get loaded on fruity umbrella drinks all week.

  101. OK, so I had to go back and read the other 800 comments I missed.

    You totally need to make a t-shirt that says ‘Swallow a knife’. Love it.

  102. So, I showed your “Beyonce” post to the man who gets the pleasure of sleeping on my couch from time to time when I’m pissed @ him. I was trying to watch the Gypsies on TLC Friday night, I thought it would give him something to do instead of bitching about having to watch TLC – unfortunately or me, he spent the entire evening laughing hysterically, blocking out the sound of the TV, then re-reading your post out loud to me ( because I guess I can’t READ FOR MYSELF). So yeah, thanks Jenny, for making it both possible, and yet impossible to enjoy my evening.

  103. The link for the chicken card didn’t work for me SAD FACE 🙁
    Hope you’re having a great time, and keep up the good work. Just found out two of my friends are pregnant, so I will be sharing your brilliant parenting advice with them. Also, Let’s Panic About Babies is the new shower gift.

  104. The link for the chicken card didn’t work for me SAD FACE 🙁
    Hope you’re having a great time, and keep up the good work. Just found out two of my friends are pregnant, so I will be sharing your brilliant parenting advice with them. Also, Let’s Panic About Babies is the new shower gift.

  105. Does this mean we get to say we were there before you hit it big? I mean, I always thought you’d hit it big already…but I’ll be your virtual roadie of awesome.
    I may be suffering from sleep deprivation.

  108. You could never disappoint me. And I want to send that card out next holiday season so if you could make a Christmas version–perhaps string some lights on the chicken? Thanks.

  110. I need a ” KNOCK, KNOCK, MOTHER FUCKER T-SHIRT” in my life!!!
    Your post have made me laugh till I cried…..at work…..where people stopped and stared. It was AWESOME! 🙂

  112. I’m new but def sticking around- I thought you’re cock post was hilarious and totally reminded me of my house. Which was only further confirmed when I read it to my husband and he didn’t see the humor in it. Like at all. Kinda shrugged, and walked off — sounds a lot like Victor’s reaction to the knock-knock mf! HA! Kept me laughing all freakin weekend! Love it!

  113. I found your blog when a friend posted the chicken link to facebook. I was reading it on my phone at 5:30 AM and laughed so hard I woke up the whole house. I then ditched my family who was going to a party to go in search of my own giant metal chicken. I heard that the Tuesday Morning store had similar ones, but they were gone. Disappointed, I headed across the street to the yarn store where I overheard a group of ladies knitting at a table – one said “You have to read the chicken blog”. That could have meant anything but I interrupted and asked if they were talking about the 5 foot metal chicken. They were, and we all started laughing all over again. Still haven’t found a local one…but I really want one for my chicken coop.

  114. I found your blog when a friend posted the Beyonce story on her Facebook page (which, by the way, has made it so I giggle every single time I see a HuffPost article about the “real” Beyonce show up in my Twitter feed). I laughed so hard, I immediately added you to my feed. In the few days since then, I’ve seen at mentions of your blog in at least 5 other places. Viral, indeed. And I’m thrilled.

  115. Loved the chicken blog..planning sticking around 🙂 couldn’t post on pick your fights but my response is you should use the 5ft chicken to hold your wet towels 🙂

  116. I didn’t have any problems with your blog this weekend, lucky me! Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. Anyone who would be unnecessarily mean to a stranger/wish a stranger dead deserves to be stabbed in the eye. Enjoy your vacation!

  118. You are killing me lol! I love the shirts, but I couldn’t find the card. I did find out something awesome other than your hilarious self in this post, you’re from Houston. ME TOO!! I know I sound like a crazy little kid, but it was pretty exciting to me. It’s a big city, but I don’t find many bloggers, or at least one’s worth reading, from here. I’m going to have to read your column in the Chron from now on lol.

  120. My BFF in Nebraska emailed your link and I fell in love immediately! It’s so awesome to discover that I am not the only short white girl with a sailor’s mouth – I feel like I’ve found my “people” with you and all the awesome women who comment. I live in Alaska so I’m guessing 5′ metal chickens will be hard to come by, but I’m resourceful and plan to build one! Build it and they will come! Bwahahahahaha! Needless to say, my husband is horrified. Yay!

    Have a good vacay!

  122. I have to admit, I did my fair share to make your server crash. After laughing so hard I thought I was having a fit, I forwarded your Beyonce the Chicken blog to pretty much everyone I know with the explicit instructions ‘You HAVE to read this. OR ELSE.’ Okay, maybe not the ‘or else’ part, but my point is that it was a damn fine piece of blogging and I will not be reading all of your blogs. I expect my law school grades to go down significantly. Thanks, Thanks a lot.

  124. Love your blog…just found it last week but won’t miss it for the world. Enjoy vacation though. 🙂

    E

  125. So, Jenny, here’s the thing: “thebloggess.com” is way too close to “thesaurus.com” and every time I try to find a synonym for something like, oh, say, “glorious” I accidentally end up on your blog and I substitute “glorious” with a hilariously inventive swear word. It’s just not working for me. So maybe you’d consider changing your blog name? Or, an easier alternative since you’re all established n stuff, maybe you could just write my work for me?
    Thanks!
    Kristin, Not A Good Writer But An Afficionado of Hilariously Inventive Swear Words

  126. So I definitely found you when the chicken story got out, and I sure did forward it on to ALL of my married friends. ‘Cuz that s*it is FUNNY!!!! I love, love, LOVE your humor and thought to myself, ‘hey! she has a bff named Laura. that’s MY name! maybe I could be her second bff!’ So, if you want/ need a second bff named Laura, lemme know. Otherwise, I’ll be checking your blog near- daily, because it makes me laugh so hard I cry. 🙂

  127. Now I feel bad for not sending you some creative, misspelled way to kill yourself… sorry I didn’t make you laugh like you did me! This one even did… I will be around more, you are a great writer!

  128. I am one of the “newbies” and I have to say, you are one of my new favorite people on the planet. One of my friends directed me here and asked me if I secretly wrote a blog. So needless to say, I am officially a groupie,..or whatever they call die hard fans of blogs,….other than weird,….

  129. You didn’t disappoint me. My partner and kids however? They were kinda disappointed at the lack of cooked food/conversation.

    Did you know that if you read your blog – in its glorious entirety – backwards, you get slightly saner, but still stay just as humourous… right up until your fucking dog dies. There’s NOTHING like a cliffhanger ending…

    Your blog is now my homepage…

    Sincere non-stalkerish love from a new fan who is so sleep-deprived (not from reading your blog, just normal insomnia… if thats considered normal anywhere but here) that I was tempted to start a blog today – the first post of which would have been trying to sell the slogan ‘Mmmmm, sperm’, complete with ‘milk’ moustache, to an ad company based on a conversation with a heavily pregnant friend today…

    I feel like I’ve come home.

  130. I should explain that the lack of cooked food/conversation is because i found your blog 3 days ago… and barely looked up since.

  131. I too was one of the ones helping crash the servers. My BFF sent me your link Friday night and I laughed so hard I was crying. I HAD to share it on FB, and many of my friends shared it as well. So freakin’ hilarious!! You were the hot topic at the hair salon on Saturday afternoon and in our staff meeting this morning. Thanks for all the laughs. I’m here to stay!!!

  132. Don’t confuse me with those who caught the chicken virus. (Although I did laugh out loud and woke up the kids, “Mommy, are you okay?” “Yep. GO TO BED, MOTHER FU….!” Kidding.)

    Um, I may be all confused as I’m a city girl through and through but…I think Beyonce is a rooster. Isn’t that what the red dangler indicates?

  134. This is not the first time that Fark has posted about you. My boyfriend is a avid farker reader and has gotten me into reading it, where I found your blog. I think it was titled : “You’re not using the GPS because you don’t appreciate the tone of the robot?”. And this is how I found Jenny, fell in love with her and continue to virtually stalk her via social media. I am a bloggess follow and your post pretty much lighten up any day. Expect the time when you send me a James Garfield card. I melted with happiness then. But if I wasn’t on Fark, I would’ve never know about this magical wonder that is the bloggess. You should work on marketing your blog to more people!

  135. Should I feel sorry because Victor didn’t find humor in a metal chicken roughly the size of a small cannon? Or…because you felt you had to choose between towels and that chicken? That photograph of Beyonce at your front door had just the effect you were going for, assuming you WANTED me to wet myself.

  136. I hope you didn’t have to flee to Puerto Rico, where you are now in hiding. I have my fingers crossed that it’s just a vacation and you’ll be back soon…safe and sound. Who knew how much people loved giant chickens?

  137. My husband is seriously considering having me committed because I keep running around laughing about Beyonce & screaming that I need a 5′ cock. The card just makes my plight ever-so perfect now. Guess who’s getting a “Knock knock motherfucker” card for his BIRTHDAY!

  139. I’ve been a regular reader here for quite some time and I’ve been surprised to find your “viral” post popping up on my facebook! You really wrote an amazing story there. Hope your husband is proud, and buys you some towels as a form of congratulations:)

  140. I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried. Well, that’s a lie, but you have brought sunshine to my heart. Keep it up.

    Towels….

  141. Seriously welcome to your ah-ha moment. If that was really your first viral hit, it was just the best. I haven’t laughed out loud like that in a long time, and I loved how I forwarded it to the (f-bomb friendly,) folks in the office, and spent time listening to them snicker at just the right time….priceless. My mother in law laughed, my sister in law laughed…all our girlfriends LOVED it. I am not nearly so creative but I wish I were — please do make those chicken cards, I will buy!
    Good luck to you.

  142. Well, I was here before it went viral. Now… does that mean you were MORE contagious? Or less due to some incubation period? Should I expect to break out in rusty cockpox and if so, how soon? Seriously, I was litterally on here when you posted, responding to another post I was way late on commenting on (sorry for that part. bad follower. BAD!) Anyway, That’s like… ground zero and shit. Is there a shot? A lotion? A cream? Should I be takin’ Cox-a-cillin? Insane minds wanna know! I need to know!

    *wow* I need to step away. I have officially lost my mind. . . Maybe its the COCKPOX!!!

    *sniffle* I need a get well from your Cockpox card. Luckily, I know where to buy them. ;0)

  144. Congrats on the fungicidal blog! I’ve been following for a while, but my husband saw a link on fb and cracked up and told me to check it out. Ha!

  145. Since you’re going to be intentionally drinking and eating bacteria, make sure you eat something with cilantro every day!!!! I heard it’s supposed to kill certain bacterias but I’ve been too lazy to verify it. But it couldn’t hurt to have chips & salsa everyday.

  147. Victor sounds like a real a…hole. Re: Metal chicken blog. If he’s always like that why are you still there?

  148. That whole viral thing? Sorry. I may have inadvertantly been a part of that. But in my defense, my friend posted it first. Also in my defense? Beyonce Chicken is pretty frickin’ funny. Just sayin’…

  150. DEFINITELY not disappointed! A “Beyonce” was spotted at a pseudo-antiques place in our area. Giant. Metal. Chicken. White. Red beak. MUST go find ‘her’ today, hoping the proprietor has NOT read your blog or ‘she’ may be WAY too over priced. Must act calm and disinterested. If I score the chicken, I will probably blurt out “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” and run screaming into the hills.

  151. I’m one of those who was lured in by Beyonce Chicken, and I am sticking around. I forwarded it to all my friends. One of my woman friends said she’d turn lesbian to marry you. And she hadn’t read the sex column yet.

  152. I’m one of the people who read your viral post. I laughed out loud until I had tears streaming down my face. Best. Post. Ever. You had me at “knock knock motherfucker”. I wonder if the history of the feminist movement will someday have a blurb about giant metal chickens as a statement against male repression? Or some shit like that.

  153. So…. I had it posted to me via facebook a lot, and I was all “HELLO I’ve been reading her for YEARS and telling you how great she was!” … and then I realized that I was also sort of wanting to keep you clutched tightly to me as a best-kept-secret sort of thing and that was wrong too. So congrats on all the new-found readers! (Though I will say I still think it says something about them that they didn’t get here years ago with the rest of us.)

  154. re: the comment about cock spurs for ferris mewler, up at the top: all male cats have cock spurs. image google cat penis. (you may want safesearch on to avoid furries)

    also? neener neener, i’m one of the cool kids like Aly above who found you before you were in the news like, every freakin week. And like her, I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t get all super crowded up in here. I like having a direct line to someone famous but not too famous please; I don’t want to share. 🙂

  155. I freaking love the baby shirt! It makes me want to get knocked up just so I’ll have a baby to put it on. Oh and congrats on the virus/bacteria/whatever. I hope it wasn’t sexually transmitted.

  156. I too started reading your blogs based on Beyonce. I sent it to my girlfriends, we’re now plotting against my husband for when he acts up, and now we have read a pile of your other blogs too. You actually made me contemplate beginning a blog with my best friend….maybe…. we do have interesting lives and stories, but seeing that your readers want you to die when you’re not posting makes me wonder if it’s really for us after all.
    Good luck. Hope you don’t kill yourself. I’m patient and won’t cuss you out when you don’t post for a while or your server crashes.
    Sarah

  157. I tripped over here because I fell over the forty-seven links someone-who-will-not-be-named plastered all over my Facebook wall. Normally, I’d like to slap people who do that with chicken cutlets, but on this one, rare occasion, I’ve discovered something I. actually. like.

    So, you’ll forgive me if I grab my blankie and stay a while, right?

    Also… “douche-canoe?” — I am totally stealing that. I’m a Floridian. We have the GovenorFromHell. He now has a new nickname.

  158. I bet you didn’t know your blogsite was blocked in the UAE this morning. Good news is tonight it’s working fine and the giant cock story was well worth the wait. So until you get banned again I am a new fan too.

  159. Me again.

    I’ll have you know, I slammed on my brakes today, whilst driving at 60mph, because I saw a little roadside stand that *HAD*YOUR*CHICKEN.*

    Beyonce has a twin.

    And I *almost* brought it home with me.

  160. You had me at [insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here]. I adore inappropriateness, and partake in it often. Thank you for the laughs, and I am indeed, sticking around. Cheers!

  161. Man, Farkers can sure be a bunch of assholes. Not like I didn’t know that – I’ve been one for years. Many of them are intelligent and clever and generally great people.

    But man, some of them are real humorless fucks, aren’t they?

  162. I really want to subscribe to your blog! You make my work day just a little bit brighter. Sadly, your RSS feed is not working. Hoping to get to subscribe soon 🙂

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