In eight minutes it will be my 15th wedding anniversary and it’s taking everything in my power to not wake Victor up screaming “WE FUCKING MADE IT, DUDE!”
Happy anniversay, Victor. The fact that I’m writing this to the internet instead of waking you up right now is my gift to you, and is a pretty good indicator of how much I’ve grown since last year when I woke you up at midnight by throwing cats at you. Also, that big metal chicken outside is your gift. That, and the fact that I’m letting you sleep, even though I totally want to wake you up and tell you about the awesome business idea I just had, which was: “Make martini glasses bigger“. It’s sort of brilliant because first of all, if the glass was bigger you’d be less likely to slosh it all over you because the bartender wouldn’t have to fill it up to the top. Plus, bigger martini glasses means more martini. Or martinis. I don’t know what the plural for “martini” is. I’m guessing it’s martini but pronounced with a hard “i”. Like “octopi”.
Updated: Okay, so I just looked it up and apparently, the plural of octopus is “octopuses“, which just sounds fucking ridiculous, Victor. I am not saying “octopuses“. Octopuses = octopi. Cactuses = cacti. Anuses = Ani. This is how English works and now I’m confused and defensive. I’m pretty sure Victor and I just had a fight that he wasn’t even awake for. Which is a little disrespectful, in my opinion. But fine. I forgive you, Victor. Because your bizarre (probable) feelings about octopuses and anuses are worth my patience and understanding. I love you even when you’re being ridiculous and purposely contrary. Please try harder tomorrow when you’re awake.
Here’s to the next 15…