Happy anniversary to meeeeeee. And Victor, I guess, too.

in Random Crap

In eight minutes it will be my 15th wedding anniversary and it’s taking everything in my power to not wake Victor up screaming “WE FUCKING MADE IT, DUDE!”

Happy anniversay, Victor. The fact that I’m writing this to the internet instead of waking you up right now is my gift to you, and is a pretty good indicator of how much I’ve grown since last year when I woke you up at midnight by throwing cats at you. Also, that big metal chicken outside is your gift. That, and the fact that I’m letting you sleep, even though I totally want to wake you up and tell you about the awesome business idea I just had, which was: “Make martini glasses bigger“. It’s sort of brilliant because first of all, if the glass was bigger you’d be less likely to slosh it all over you because the bartender wouldn’t have to fill it up to the top. Plus, bigger martini glasses means more martini. Or martinis. I don’t know what the plural for “martini” is. I’m guessing it’s martini but pronounced with a hard “i”.   Like “octopi”.

Updated: Okay, so I just looked it up and apparently, the plural of octopus is “octopuses“, which just sounds fucking ridiculous, Victor. I am not saying “octopuses“. Octopuses = octopi. Cactuses = cacti. Anuses = Ani. This is how English works and now I’m confused and defensive.   I’m pretty sure Victor and I just had a fight that he wasn’t even awake for. Which is a little disrespectful, in my opinion.   But fine. I forgive you, Victor. Because your bizarre (probable) feelings about octopuses and anuses are worth my patience and understanding. I love you even when you’re being ridiculous and purposely contrary.  Please try harder tomorrow when you’re awake.

Here’s to the next 15…

~me

****

 

Me and Victor in a rare moment of not strangling each other. (Photo by the lovely @chookooloonks)

240 thoughts on “Happy anniversary to meeeeeee. And Victor, I guess, too.”

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  3. CONGRATULATIONS! I hope you have many more years of happiness, and possibly poultry ahead of you.

    I want you to know I woke my husband from a dead sleep to read him the saga of the giant metal chicken to him and threatened him with death by asphyxiation if he didn’t stay awake. He actually laughed when it was over and then told me we were getting divorced if I ever brought home an oil-drum chicken… that leaves the field wide open for a bronze chicken, or a stone chicken, or even a live chicken, I think. What is the traditional gift for 12 years? It IS livestock, right?

  5. Happy anniversary to you both! I love fights that I don’t have to be conscious for… self-resolving marital conflicts must be every man’s dream…

  6. Literally almost wet myself with the “now I’m confused and defensive” that is my new go-to line. Thanks for inventing it so those who don’t read this will find me witty and hilarious.

  7. Happy Anniversary!! So What is Beyonce and the Flying Porkstallion gifting you and Victor on your anniversary? What if you woke up and they made babies? That would be Amaze-balls.

  8. I was always told it was ‘octopodes.’ Which I think is more fun, so I say that. Octopodes. POOOODES.

    In other news, CONGRATS! That’s a huge milestone! 😀 😀 Confetti~~!

  10. Happy Anniversary!

    Beyonce’ was the perfect gift. Why do men always sleep through the best ideas and arguments? Totally wake him up!

    I always thought it was octopi.

  11. You know what would make Martini glasses awesomer? If they were just like feedbags and they strapped to your face and you just had to keep drinking and drinking or else you’d drown but if you drowned it’d be alright too. Because you drowned by way of too much Martini’s. It’s like what I imagine heaven is like.

  12. Congrats! I also have those arguments with Stud1 when he’s asleep. What does it mean with regards my self esteem if he wins regardless of actually adding to the conversation?

    Have a wonderful day and take time to appreciate the cock..erel 😛

  13. Happy Anniversary!!! I hope you’re able to go celebrate with some big-a** martinis.

    PS. I’ve been lurking on your blog for about a year without commenting..but now that I’m a legal adult I feel that I can join the ranks of your bona fide regular commenters. Thanks for some of the best stress relieving laughs during my midterms and finals of the past year. Your blog is my default “it’s three in the morning and I’m ignoring my homework” website. Cheers.

  15. You deserve so many congratulations. Victor, I hope you realize that you cannot divorce this woman EVER.
    If that happens, I’d fear for the safety of the cats. And Beyonce. Whenever I find a gay man willing to take me in once I’m old enough to be had in a bed like a virgin (like my mother taught me), I am SO making our wedding-day present a giant metal chicken.
    Or a waterbed for cats. Because gay men have to have a few cats lying around. They’re good for cat things. They also are the only way to tell who the woman in the gay relationship is.
    Consider this rambling a gift to you. Along with many, many cyber cookies and hugs. Also, THE PLURAL FOR PLATYPUS IS PLATYPUSES. That just isn’t right. We should start a petition. Or make another t-shirt.
    Happy Anniversary! :3

  16. Cluck, cluck, motherfucker. Which means ‘Happy Anniversary’ in vulgar-speak. (Yo, Victor: if you’re reading this, don’t ever divorce Jenny. We depend on her. Love, all us unstable people out there.)

  17. I can’t wait to hear about Victor’s gift to you. I think he’s just mad because you bought him a big metal chicken before he bought you one. What the hell is he supposed to buy now?

    Happy Anniversary!

  18. Happy anniversary, Jenny-the-Bloggess and Victor! Aww, I get all teary-eyed when awesome people are happy. That little “here’s to the next 15” has me sniffly.

    Also, I totally saw bigger martini glasses in a store. I think it was Target. I’m sorry. But you could always take that design and make it, you know. More bigger.

  19. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! You are both very lucky…or both very cursed, probably the first one.

    Although, that curse that goes “May you live in interesting times” would probably imply the second option. But you’re not Chinese so it’s OK. 🙂

  20. Happy Anniversary, you guys are cray cray, and make me hopeful for how emmer effer my husband is.

  21. Congratulations! My marriage might have made it past 11 years . . . if only my wife had learned to argue with me while I slept, and she never once considered the importance of buying me a big metal chicken.

  22. Wake up Victor and throw the chicken at him.

    You have so inspired me that I have been posing my small (1′ – 2′ tall) metal chickens inherited from my mother in various obscene positions (and otherwise) and taking their pictures and sending them to a sick friend who thinks you are awesome. I see a whole metal chicken tour in the offing. But first, they are doing laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, scaring the dog, and startling the children. On camera.

    Has anyone ever told you how inspiring you are? And I totally think you should link your next entry to the one about waking him up with cats flying at him…or a picture.

    Chelle
    http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

  23. Reason #85.3 why I love you: you unknowingly justify my penchant for having arguments w/ hubs that he’s unaware of. Either because he’s asleep, at work, or just sitting there looking pretty. It’s nice to not be alone.

  25. When I hang out with my walrus friends they liked to called “The Walri”. It’s their gang name.

  26. Just as an obnoxious FYI, the ‘i’ which shouldn’t have been there in the first place (apparently, and I’m taking your word on this) was not ‘hard,’ but rather, ‘long.’ Which is kind of amusing in its own way.

  27. Here’s to the next fifteen…. Of things even more wonderful and love-ful than giant metal chickens. Victor Lawson, I do think you might be the luckiest man in the world. And, Jenny, Beautiful Lady, You may just have found the perfect man (that meaning you’re not buried in either the front OR the back yards, that you even HAVE BOTH front and back yards, AND that you’re both beautiful and I feel sappy now so I’m going to shut the fuck up before I stop cussing).

    May the next fifteen be full of even more giant metal chickens (remember, Victor, one giant metal chicken is worth its volume cubed, then squared, then cubed again, then times a hundred and a hundred again, IN LOVES. And you know that’s true and also that I would never, ever lie to you.)

    I raise my vodka slushiee to Jenny and Victor! And I say, Well The Fuck Done, Kids! Yeeehhaaawww! (Unless a New Yorker saying “Yeeehhaaawww!” to a pair of beautiful Texans is uncouth, because then I say it fucking LOUDER, MOTHERFUCKERS!)

    Lovedepi,
    -jo

  28. I had my kids laughing in the car last December over the plural for “Jesus” (which is Jesii, pronounced with a hard “i”). In Santa Monica in Palisades Park every Christmas season, there are giant “life-size” dioramas of the Nativity scenes placed along Ocean Avenue. My 11 year old son in particular, kept repeating “Jeez-eye” until he had his sister laughing uncontrollably and snot was coming out both their noses. Of course, I was laughing, until I realized I had to drop them off at school, and somehow the realization of what I had just taught them to say was bound to come up at school. I hoped I wouldn’t get a call from the principal.

  29. So if there have been 15 shouldn’t it be Happy Anniversari? Now I’m confused. But loving that you just had a fight, made up and created an ultimatum for someone who is sleeping a the moment. And those big glasses, the cheaper the shop the larger the martini glasses – Dollar Store is calling your name (it’ll probably be glass made with lead but alcohol negates all that stuff, right?).

  30. Also? On your Wikipedia page? I like that the “(/allegedly/) keeps jumping.

  31. And by the way… you are fabulous, and you make me laugh until snot comes out of my nose. Every time. And giant martini glasses are a great idea. They use them in burlesque strip tease, but I think those are way too big, the ones that are the size of bathtubs.

    And Happy Anniversary!!

  32. Classicist to the rescue!

    With my freshly earned BA in Classics, I can authoritatively say that the most proper English plural of “octopus” is “octopodes,” pronounced [ock-TOP-o-deez]. It’s Greek. ^_^

    Also, congratulations on 15 years! May y’all have many more. Years of marriage, that is. And giant metal chickens.

    -PW

  33. I had the same debate with some coworkers over the octopuses/octopi thing and googled the shit out of that to discover that both are acceptable, technically. Maybe, my winning argument went, but people who want to sound educated and stuff use “octopi” and “cacti”… although not interchangeably (duh!). Well, I think I won that argument anyway. Their opinions don’t matter, right?

    Next time I’ll have the debate when they’re not there or, and I’ll keep it all intracranial (mine, obviously, ’cause I’m not a crazy cranium-opening serial killer). That way I’ll be sure to vanquish their puny illogic to hell. And maybe make them cry as the puniness of their mental faculties is made manifest for all to see and ridicule. Or something.

    Anyway, happy Giant Metal Chickens to you and Mr. Sleepyhead!

  34. Happy Anniversary to the two of you! And to Beyonce, too, even though you haven’t had him for a year yet, but still, because that chicken is going to be an epic part of your lives forever.
    Cheers!

  36. Happy Anniversary! I think someone already said this, but I was told the correct plural of “octopus” was “octopodes”…. as in, ock-top-oh-dees. Which is just fun to say. And makes the octopus an even COOLER animal. Have you ever just you-tubed “vidoes of octopi/octopuses/octopodes doing (insert activity here)”?
    It’s such a good time-waster. I just really love octopi/octopodes/octupuses.

    ANYWAY. Enough of that silliness. Congratulations on a truly awesome accomplishment! Here’s to many more happy years, filled with giant, metal chickens.

  37. Congrats! Being married to the same person for 15 years is a big deal. You both rock.

  39. I enjoy the banter that you post between you and Victor. I myself got the “Why even try to argue with you?” question tonight. I felt SO justified.

    Congratulations to both of you! And many more years together in the future for your pleasure (and our entertainment).

  40. It is truly amazing that you have made it through 15 anniversari !! and I’m deadly serious, it’s probably because you remember the date, we’re only at 7 years, no, 8, no, 7 – aw crap I can’t remember and as my hubby lovingly reminded me when I threatened him with a metal chicken ‘if you ever remembered our anniversary I might be worried.’ Your devotion to Victor has shamed and inspired me – next year my ex-country boy will be getting a large metal reminder of the farm and then we might just make it to 15! yay, problem solved. Thank you and happy anniversary!

    Nicole x

  43. Crap. Now my husband is going to be bitterly disappointed when he doesn’t get a big metal chicken for our anniversary 😉

    Have a great day!

  46. I found a pink plastic octopus the other day. If only I’d found two of them.

    I hope you, Victor and the metal chicken are very happy for the next 15×15 years. 🙂 Happy anniversary.

  49. Happy Anniversary!!! That’s awesome!! 15 years now a days is HUGE! Although, I truly believe we are bringging forever back in style as the new trend in relationships. Check us out! We’re trend setters! Well, ok… you’re a bigger trend setter and you’ve been with Victor longer. But, still. You know what I mean.

    You rock!

    Happy 15th!! Only 35 more years until you hit GOLD COCK!!

  52. Happy Anniversary. I’m exhausted & have nothing funny or witty to say, so that’s all. I’d raise my cocoa and toast you two, but I already brushed my teeth so that I wouldn’t make one. But in my mind I am. Toasting you. With yummy cocoa.

    You’re welcome.

  55. It has taken me a week to read your entire blog….all the way to 2007. My husband got ill at me for waking him up with my giggles. You are a hoot! I keep looking at everyday stuff now going,”what would Jenny say?” I don’t think it is possible to Jenn-i-fy everything, but I’m working on it.

    Oh, and a side note: I thought the plural of octopus was “squid.”

  56. Happy anniversary. Here’s to 15 more. Can’t wait to see what the 16th anniversary gift is. You should probably start preparing your server now because it’s very likely going down again. Or maybe going down again IS the gift for the 16th?

  57. Happy Anniversary to you both! For some reason, reading this brought tears to my eyes.

  58. Happy Anniversary and thanks for letting me know that metal chickens are the traditional 15 year gift. Now I won’t have to google it in 5 years.

  59. Yay! Happy anniversary!
    May millions of random people blow lots of shit up, dress in their “good clothes” (read: Mt Dew shirts with less than 6 stains) and watch beer-leagus softball games in your honor!

    Or in honor of Independence Day.

    Which is just silly, cos that movie sucked and I doubt that Will Smith even LIKES softball.

  60. So is the plural of Victor Victi?

    Congratulations on making it 15 years. It’s hard work, and it’s something to be celebrated.

    Failing that, just buy a big metal chicken and put it outside the door. Or in the bedroom. Or what about Victor waking up to the smell of French Toast and a big, metal chicken head on the pillow next to him?

  62. Lady, you rock!! I think this has to rate as one of your funniest posts ever :D. Oh and happy anniversary to both yourself and Victor, you are a true inspiration. Hubby and I just hit our 10 year milestone and I totally get where you’re coming from.

  63. Happy Anniversary – here’s to the next 15. Can’t help wondering how you will come up with an anniversary present next year. It might be a good moment to talk about buying bath towels, – if you can wait a year.

    Why not join us? ExposeYourBlog!

  65. About Victor’s comment on “Do you want me to bury you in the front yard or the back yard?” My husband’s comment upon hearing this was “At least she’s got a choice.”

  66. aw how (confusingly) touching 🙂 I hope me and the Husb0t make it to 15… he’d better remember to get me a giant fucking metal chicken.

  67. Happy Anniversary! And congratulations, Jenny. You should be the patron saint of patience for putting up with such a antagonistic sleeper.

  69. Happy Anniversary to you guys! Tomorrow is my husbands and I 3 year dating anniversary (we’re married now) but I’m still making him take me out for ice cream.

  71. Happy Anniversary to you!!! Oh, and to Victor too. Congrats.

    Also, I agree about Octopi. Victor, why do you have to be so argumentative? Jenny knows her grammar. Stop being such a pain in the ass. And wake up. It’s just rude to be asleep when your wife is up celebrating your anniversary. I’m starting to wonder about you Victor.

  72. OMG! You are a laugh riot! Thanks for all the all out belly laughs! Happy anniversary and wishing you many more. You could totally start your own pseudo-ranch! You already have a chicken and a pig…now you can get other live? metal-stock? Just think…you don’t have to feed them and you don’t have to pick up poop!!

  73. A happy anniversary to you! Today is my 15th wedding anniversary as well (the 4th of July, not the 3rd), and I wanted to scream the very same thing…so I did. Woke a few kiddos up, spooked the moose, but it’s all good. Here’s to 15 more years of entertainment, yes? Cheers!

  74. Happy anniversary! I went to a flea market in Bangor, ME on Saturday and there, sitting and rusting patiently as though it was the Buddha of corrugated roosters, was a giant, multi-colored, metal chicken. I thought of your blog and began taking pictures as though I was documenting a serious event like the zombie apocalypse or meeting Nathan Fillion. The man selling the chicken said that he had purchased it along with 19 others at a deep discount (orig. $300, selling for $130) and this was his last one. His. Last. One. Nineteen other people saw these chickens and said to themselves, “That seems like something I should own. My lawn is seriously lacking in the metal chicken department.” I love that sometimes it is the corrugated cocks of the world that connect us to each other.

  75. Happy Anniversary you two! I’m pretty sure the *new* 15 year gift is furballs (any kind).
    Hope you have 15 more with little or no battle scars.

  76. Love it – happy anniversary and please when you find some more chickens for sale out there send us all a link. I need one. Now.

  77. Happy anniversary! And you were right to throw cats at him last year because 14 years is cats. It goes cats, big metal chickens, then cement statures of octopi. So now you know what to look for next year!

  78. Congratulations on making it to 15! I hope Victor enjoys the chance to sleep. Also, the GIANT METAL CHICKEN sitting outside his office window.

    And every year, my wife or I wake Son up at 1:17AM on his birthday, to wish him a “Happy Birthday”. So far, he has not strangled us in our sleep.

    ~EdT.

  80. Congrats! Love the pic; you both look so happy. 🙂
    I ran into this little gem yesterday at Target and immediately thought of you. Aren’t metal peacocks required for making it 16 years??
    (If the linky doesn’t work right I’ll blame a single cup of coffee.)

  81. Happy anniversary! Love, Beyonce and the Boar! (The start of a new sitcom, since the death of BJ and the Bear left a hole in sitcom’ville that has yet to be filled. 😉 )

  82. Sorry for not saying this earlier, but was uncaffeinated.
    Happy Anniversary! Tell Victor he gets half the day, but he already wasted most of his half with the sleeping.

  83. Happy 15th!! This July 4th marks our 10th…I’m delighted to be sharing this day with you and Victor.

  86. Congratulations to the both of you!
    Makes me wonder if I’ll ever get married, let alone be with the same person for 15 years. I can’t imagine. No really, I can’t. I try and my brain just sort of shrugs and puts up pictures of kittens.

  87. Congratulations! But I have to wonder…..just *how* are you going to top the big metal chicken when your 20th rolls around?

  88. Congratulations to you and Victor.

    I just celebrated my 17th anniversary on July 2 by stripping a dock at my in-laws’ cottage. Not the kind of stripping I wanted to do with my wife on our anniversary, but I guess we all make sacrifices for our loved ones.

    Am I right, Victor??

  89. You are such an incredably funny girl. I’m so glad I’m not the only one. Happy anniversary to you and your hubby.

  93. Happy 15th anniversary J&V–glad to finally see a pic of the guy! Me and “my Victor,” (well, he’s not Victor, he’s Mike, but same thing) are heading toward our 13th later this month. I look for guidance from you since your marriage has made it so much longer! Like now I have two years to prep The Chicken.

    Thanks for making me laugh the way you do.

  94. Awww….Happy 15th Jenny! I raise my martini glass to many more….SHIT!! I just spilled martini all over my party dress!
    …I meant I raise my martini glass to many more anniversaries-NOT to many more Martinis…although, more martinis would be nice.
    …and besides, I think in plural form the word martini should be martinies….but the English language is fucked….

  95. Happy Anniversary! Victor is so lucky to have a wife that lets him sleep! Also, awesome idea for a cheap gift… I’ll be stealing it.

  96. Does this mean you were married on the 4th of July? Victor should have known there’d be fireworks. Then. Now. And in between. LOL Here’s to a second helping a big, metal chickens. 😛

  97. Happy Anniversary! You got married on Independence Day? We’re going on four years and I feel that’s pretty extraordinary. 15 is huge, way to go!

  99. I seriously believe that the reasons most marriges don’t make it to their 15 anniversary is due to a lack of more octopus-anus related arguments and the blatant discrimination against giant metal birds (…or hookers and meth: any of the above, really
    Happy 15 anniversary: here’s hoping you make it to 50 , without leaving too many psicological scars on hailey in the process!!

  100. Happy Annniversary!
    When I was young, my grandmother told me: “One is an octopus, two are octopi, three is just too darned many octopuses!”

  102. Happy Anniversary! It’s my anniversary too (and hubs, of course). 4th of July is a great day for a wedding. 🙂

  103. Happy Anniversary! You’ve totally proven all the Beyonce chicken-nay-sayers wrong.

  104. Happy Anniversary! And OMG, it’s a picture of Victor! I won’t like, I always imagined he looked like Victor Garber. Sorry about that.

  105. I’m thrilled to know the 15th year is feted with giant metal chickens and not…um…TOWELS. Just sayin’.

    I’m saving up now – only 3 years until I can secure I giant, metal chicken for my husband’s anniversary gift. Cluckin’-A!

  106. Damn, I love you, lady. For serious. Again. Still. Always.

    Happy anniversary to you, Victor, AND the metal chicken. <3

  107. Happy Anniversary! I was only introduced to your blog last week via Beyonce, but have since been meticulously reading back and laughing and crying.

    My Victor (actually his name is Jose) warned me last night that laughing so hard could cause a heart attack and that I needed to give it a rest. I like to live on the edge so onward I read.

  109. Happy 15th! My 16th was yesterday. We celebrated by buying in bulk at BJs. We strolled hand in hand through the meat aisle. It was very romantic however no actual BJs were actually given. I’m a terrible wife.

    My anniversary post was nowhere near as touching as yours. Making a mental note to include octopi and ani in next year’s installment.

    To many more years of wedded bliss for you.

  110. Note to self: strangulation does occur in other couples as well.
    Congrats! Nothing says ‘anniversary’ like cake!

  112. Make martini glasses bigger?! You’re a genius!!! A fucking genius!!!!

    p.s. Happy Anivversary 🙂

  114. I’m going to have to remember to have all my arguments while hubbypants is sleeping. I’d win every one (not that I don’t already, it’s just that HE doesn’t know it….fragile ego and all, ya know??).

  115. Your anniversary yesterday, America’s anniversary today, cock’s anniversary everyday. Amid all the excitement we must remember to at some point tackle the plurals of moose, deer and pi. Cheers to your blog!

  116. Just for starting a fight in his sleep on your anniversary I say wake him up with clown porn. You know he secretly will love it. That’s what all the screaming means. *nods* I hope you have at least 15 more, and not just because I like reading about your fights. 😉

  117. You’re absolutely hilarious. Congratz on the 15 and wishing you man more.

    P.S. I have been telling my husband about the the big metal chicken antics just to let him know what may be in store if he complains about any of my purchases. 🙂

  120. My poor son can’t say octopuses either…he says “apple-pusses” which is even better and infinitely more embarrassing in the middle of a packed grocery aisle.

  122. I know the feeling, i often am mad at “dream husband” he claims its not fair but i think its my subconcious picking up on actual events thus he should be held accountable. Happy anniversary!

  123. Jeez, it’s no wonder you’ve got a gazillion people commenting. Nearly busted a gut laughing at the ‘not towels’ post. Victor is lucky to have you, even if you argue with him when he’s sleeping.

  125. So, the conversation in our house this morning was about how our cat, Sophie, tried to wake us up by meowing incessantly until we threw stuff at her (no animals were harmed in the incident)…she even managed to piss off our other cats. So, how did this conversation end? “cock-a-doodle-doo, motherfucker”

    Thanks for the laugh, and Happy Anniversary!

  126. Happy Anniversary! and just so you know…a hard i is an “ee” sound like “octopee”. The “pie” sound is referred to as an “open i” Personally, I like it hard 🙂

  130. Happy Anniversary to you both! I’ve been divorced since 1976, am in awe of anyone who stays together 15 years.

    I’m jealous no one has given me a metal chicken!

  131. Happy Anniversary!

    January is ours. Hubby always feels he has to explain to people that we have been married x number of yrs – this yr 5, but that we have known each other for 10 more than that. Can you tell he was reading? ;0)

    Happy Day to you and Victor and many more to come!

  132. This is the new reader you got an email from the other day…

    So this is just another way you and I are alike. I LOVE THE 4th! My husband proposed on the 4th because it is my favorite holiday ever. Congratulations on 15 years together!

  133. Would it be possible to get the giant revenge chicken pic on a zazzle apron?? My GF’s BD is coming up in 3 weeks. Intro’d to your blog via Susan Blackwell on FB, turned my GF on to it and she loves your work. Thanks.

  134. Happy Anniversary! Are you in the “we have a drought so we can’t have fireworks” area? Because having fireworks on your anniversary would be AWESOME. It’s the only reason I’m pushing The Boyfriend to make it legal. (Okay, maybe not the ONLY reason!)

  135. Turns out you and (probable) Victor are BOTH right. As is the octopodes contingent. Don’t know if I am able to include a link, but here’s one of the editors at Merriam-Webster explaining:

    It’s like an anniversary miracle.

  136. Fifteen years later and the ridiculousness of that hot pink bridesmaids dress with the MASSIVE butt bow is still enblazoned in my soul. Holy shit, it’s the exact same color as that stripe over there —–>
    !!!!! But I wore it for you, cause I love you. Most of the time. Oh, and Victor too. He’s pretty swell. Happy Anniversary crazy cakes.

  137. I so love you people.

    Nicardo: Giving your girlfriend an apron for a birthday present is probably the most dangerous idea ever. But for you? Here you go: http://www.zazzle.com/this_was_not_my_idea_apron-154825817154906351?rf=238233029691800410

    PS. The Original Lisa: I feel bad pointing this out but you did realize that you were the only hot pink think in whole wedding, right? Mom picked that dress out. Probably because she thought it would be funny. Plus, I needed someone else with a giant ass bow to make my giant ass bow look less ridiculous. This is what family is for. Also, I seem to remember carrying a baton at your wedding. We’re totally even.

  138. Congradulations on your 15 th wedding anniversary. Wish you many more in the years to come. My wife and I celebrated our 33rd (Thirty Third) wedding anniversary last Feb. Some people look at me as if Iam a holocust survivor.

  139. Happy Anniversary. I love your BLOG! My husband and I are just about to celebrate our 36th Wedding anniversary this month but it is annoying because we lived together 4 years and I think they should count since they made the seven year and twelfth year itch come at 3 years and 8 years !. more itches to come no doubt. I still refer to myself as his trophy wife even though I have been with him 40 years. !

  140. God girl, you crack me up. Happy Anniversary and I totally am on your side about the octupi or however.

  141. Fifteen years! WOW! Another 5 and then maybe Victor will be off probation, huh??

    I, myself, have been married for nearly 26 years. Well, not all to the same man but I still want full credit for time served.

  142. Happy anniversary!!! Um….please explain the wedding baton? Was the Original Lisa married during a parade?

  143. Your comment on FB “Yes, I’m aware of the irony of losing my independence on Independence day” brought to mind a t-shirt I saw while taking advantage of a 4th of July sale at my local JCPenney a few days ago and I thought you might get a giggle out of it – in case you haven’t already seen it, here’s a link to it . . . .
    http://www.wearyourbeer.com/marriage-game-over-humor-black-shirt-p-2513.html

    While Googling for this particular one, I discovered how many of this type of shirt are out there. Wow! For instance I enjoyed the “game over” section of Bridal Party Tees . . . http://www.bridalpartytees.com/search/game+over
    I like how they can be customized with dates and names, but I must admit I’m rather disappointed that there aren’t any options for those who feel the game is over for the bride. Seems a bit unfair doesn’t it? Maybe you should make one for your store . . .

    Anyway, Happy 15th Anniversary to Jenny and Victor!! I hope you have a fabulous day and here’s to another 15 years. I love you guys!

    ~M~

  144. Happy Anniversary Jenny and Victor! (I never thought we’d see the ACTUAL Victor!!!) Here’s to 15 more, because I can’t wait to see that gift. 🙂 Oh and I also need more info on the baton wedding. Like a whole separate post……

  148. Happy anniversary!

    You’re one of my role models when it comes to writing, and your blog makes my rainy days a lot brighter! =D

  149. Happy anniversary – and many more because you need to keep Victor around for a constant supply of blogging material. And because you love him…of course.

  151. Happy anniversary!! You and your internet derived non existent arguments give me hope. Bring on the next 15 completely made up internet filled years. I truly believe they will be awesome.

  152. Congratulations on 15. Keep buying metal chickens — and if you both keep laughing at those bought metal chickens in life you’ll hit 30 no sweat.

  153. Hey, Jen! Have you ever seen that scene in creepy alien invasion-of-the-bodysnatchers type movies where the guy puts on the goggles and suddenly sees all the secret messages?

    http://goggles.sneakygcr.net/

    Oh my god, let’s graffiti up the internet. We can do it together, as a superteam. YEAH! Suck it, Justice League.

  155. I am happy for you, I really am. You look happy and funny today, on this remarkable day. But I am afraid that I cried when I read your thread. My wife drove off a few years ago after spitting food at me and calling me an a**hole for not renovating her parents home (I was worried as I am not a builder – I am a teacher). I have only heard from her once when she called me while having s*x with some other men. She discarded all of my old school books and the pictures of my ex girlfriend which have prevented me from moving on. Love is valuable and fragile. Hold onto it, continue to smile and touch… Thank you. x

  159. Had I known it was your anniversary I would have gotten you martini glasses 🙂
    Congratulations.
    Happy Anniversary.
    Sylvia

  160. I giggled at your comment about losing your independence on Independence day. It made me think of a “game over” t-shirt I saw recently . . . I thought you might enjoy it also. In case you haven’t already seen it here’s a link . . .
    http://www.channelshirt.com/product/9/235/Marriage-Game-Over-Tshirt.html

    While searching for the right image, I came across the Bridal Party Tees website. I loved the idea that you can personalize a variety of “game over” type shirts with names and dates. . . . http://www.bridalpartytees.com/search/game+over
    I was disappointed, however, that all the images are of “game over” for men. Maybe you should make one for the ladies and sell it through your store . . . .

    Anyway, Happy 15th Anniversary to you and Victor!! Here’s to fifteen more!

  161. Happy anniversary! (I’m one of the newbies who just started reading your blog and I’m hooked). By the way, I live in Houston but how I got to your blog was via a link a friend from NYC (that I met when I used to live there until a couple of years ago) who now lives in Singapore. And then, I figured out that you live in Houston (or at least used to live here, you may have moved out w/o my knowledge) and I smiled even more. Love the content and love your sense of humor. I stumbled upon this card and thought of you:

    http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/d85dd2909f4bdeaf6cd0f0e6f06a90b0

    Happy anniversary and thanks for the laughs!
    Mafalda

  162. Jenny, I think that the “not my idea” aprons are really cute. ESPECIALLY the “Kids Apron”.

    Because, nothing says “cute kid” so much as an apron with the picture of a giant metal chicken and the words “Knock, Knock Motherf****r” on it.

    I think I’ll order some for the grandchildren I am now never likely to have.

    Happy Independence Day!

    ~EdT.

  163. I can only hope that my husband and I will stay married for the next 15 minutes, I’m so glad that that you are here to give hope to us women that are majorly fucked up! I’m having a drink (or 20) in honor of you and your husband! Victor, your awesome, for marrying a woman that is as fucked up as I (in your dreams jenny), and jenny, I hope that one day my husband will be as amazing and understanding as yours is my dear!!
    So here’s to another 15! Fuck ya!

  165. Happy 15th anniversary! That’s a great photo of the happy couple…it’s good that you weren’t strangling each other in it. I’m not sure it would seem as happy if you were.

  166. I have just discovered you and I am ROTFLMAO! You have such a way with words. Happy anniversary and keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  167. happy anniversary! i hope beyonce is well, and i wish you and victor many more years of weird togetherness. me and my old ball and chain will have 20 yrs. soon, (i married young. no shit, i really did) and i swear the reason we’re still going strong is the fact that we’re sorta sharing a brain. btw, you should run ads for those pads for people who accidentally pee themselves sometimes. reading your blog makes me think i might come down with that affliction. i’m sure i’m not the only one.

  168. Congrats on 15! Going on 19, myself. Wish I could say it gets easier, but…
    Hope Victor appreciates the extra sleep!

  169. Holy crapulence! Victor is really real! Wow. I’m. blown. dude. Ok, just had to say this (these) thing(s)…everytime someone wrote “happy Anniversary” in their comment, I could have SWORN it said, “happy birthday”, and I thought I’d missed out on some awesome inside joke. But no, my eyes are just devilishly tired. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s octopods. Cause, that’s just awesome sounding. I do also like Octopodes though, as an early threader wrote. And I had to read the chicken post to my other half during dinner. I love you more, because you make me seem more sane, Bloggess. So, thank you, for providing him with some perspective, on just how CRAZY crazy can get. And just imagine…somewhere, there’s someone leaps and bounds more crazy than you. And so on. But don’t let the universe collapse by thinking too hard on that, cause, well, I don’t want to lose Mitzi my dog or Pickles my cat, and frankly, I haven’t been informed fully if there is chocolate in the next life.

  172. When I first read your Beyonce post, I just about died laughing and forced my hubby to read it right away. Our anniversary was this last week too. I bought him your card with “7 years is big metal chickens!” in it and a 3 ft tall metal chicken since we’ve been married half as long. I told him he had to work up to a 5 ft cock. This was all completely awesome and hilarious to me until that 3 ft chicken started showing up everywhere I go. It was in bed next to me this morning, in the drivers seat of my car, wearing my underwear, in my closet, on top of the washer, outside the bathroom door, etc. When I threatened to kill my husband if I saw that cock’s beady eyes watching me again, it began following me with an ice cream pail on his head. I realize this is my fault.

  174. Happy Anniversary! That Victor is a lucky guy! And you two make a pretty cute couple. Congratulations on 15 years!

  175. Seriously has no one noticed how awesome it was that you got married on the Fourth of July! Now you get fireworks every year and you don’t even have to beg for them. You madame are a fucking genius!

  178. Happy Anniversary for you and Victor.

    I think at 20 years its giant metal dragons and if that is the case I am getting my mom the giant winged one she saw when she was in Texas a month ago. She told me she loved it. I still have yet to see a picture of this thing. She also told me there were peacocks and that some of them had their tail feathers fanned out. Anyway I keep forgetting the name of the town they saw those in. Or was it Arizona?

    Anyway I am sending my mom here to your blogs so she can enjoy a good laugh because she needs it.

    So CHEERS to many more anniversaries and Giant metal chickens and new blog followers!!

  181. Happy Anniversary to you both!

    My husband and I have been married for nearly 25 years, and I always let him sleep (unless the house is on fire) but when we were dating, I used to wake up early on Saturdays (because I’m a morning person – I can’t help it) and after puttering around the apartment for a little while, I’d eventually wake him up, too, because I was lonely. He’s a night person, but he always got up to keep me company. Which is one of the reasons I knew I should marry him. Another man might have murdered me in my sleep just so he wouldn’t have to get up before noon on a Saturday.

  183. Happy Anniversary.

    To help you celebrati I took several picturi of me with cacti and octopi in my ani.

    I think I’ve broken several lawi.

  184. Happy Anniversary! And congrats on making it to 15 years – totally awesome. Give some props to Victor for this accomplishment as well.

  185. Happy Anniversary, Jenny! And Victor, I guess, too. Even though he was being an argumentative asshole. In his sleep, no less.

    I hate assholes. Wait … asshi? Sushi?

    I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about at this point.

    Anniversary. Happy. You guys.

  186. Happy Anniversary. Here’s to many more years of happiness to come!

  187. Happy anniversary!

    It’s always a little jarring to me to see a photo of Victor (this being, I think, the second or third one) because I’ve always pictured him, just by his name, as kind of looking like Gomez Addams, which he clearly does not.

  188. Where did you look up the pluralization of octopus?? Because I’m pretty sure they’re WRONG. It’s definitely octopi.

  190. Happy Anniversary! July 4th is also my anniversary….33 yrs this year! Geesh….

  191. Ben and I aspire to be just like you and Victor. I just bought 2 giant metal hens and named them Michelle and Kelly.

  192. CONGRATS!! I will turn 7y old with mine.

    Any gift suggestions? How about a metal chicken…or a metal egg…?

  193. Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s like 50 these days! Perhaps over the next few years you should buy Victor other metal animals to add to his metal “non-petting – this chicken will cut you” zoo! I just found my way to you when a friend posted your link about the chicken on her facebook page! Sounded just like me and my best friend! Laughed through the tears when I read it but I am too dumb to use my smart phone so I couldn’t figure out how to forward it to her! No worries! I read it to her while we laid in the pool on “Kid Free – Don’t even think about bringing them with you!” pool day on Friday!( Mind you it is my pool and I declared it Kid Free!) We are both fans and if Im ever out and find a metal chicken she is getting one for her next birthday!!!!!!

  194. Victor needs to buy you a new dictionary for your anniversary. A really really really good one says octopi is preferred but octopuses is okay. For losers. So other people can be tolerated when using octopuses (you hear that, Victor?) but you and Beyonce may use octopi. Or, to avoid fighting with your sleeping husband at midnight, try this:
    Dear sir, Please send me an octopus. While you’re at it, please send me another.

  195. Happy belated anniversary.

    I think the fact that Victor could instigate a fight with you while sleeping is a sure sign that you’re in it for the long haul.

  196. The husband and I will be celebrating six years of marriage on the 23rd. We view our marriage as something to accomplish. Like a countdown of sorts. In our first year anniversary card to each other we were all, “congratulations. we made it a year. only fifty more to go.” Countdowns are the key to a successful marriage.

  197. Jenny, I really think you need to be sure on the plural of “octopus”, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’ve totally been married to Doc Oc for 15 years.

  198. Really? No one has pointed out that the same rules for pluralization clearly also applies to the male twizzle stick? Because let’s be honest, pen-i just makes way more sense…

  199. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, Y’ALL!

    And English doesn’t work. (I’m talking about the language.) It just does what it needs to to survive, including panhandling and borrowing from all the other languages and generally pissing them off.

  202. It’s all Latin (nerd alert).
    I learned in my first week of Latin at the delicate age of 15 that the plural of vagina (“sword sheath”… suuure romans…) is vaginae pronounced vag-i-ni (all i’s are hard.). basically any word ending in an a changes this was and any word ending in an us changes to i (also hard)
    Hope you enjoyed this boring lesson on how to make fun words the funnest words

  204. Happy Anniversary!

    And the big metal chicken is so awesome that was gift enough you probably should have woken him to talk about the inconsistencies in the English language I know I would have with my husband. Then again we’re only celebrating our 5th anniversary this year maybe in 10 years he wouldn’t be as tolerant =)

  205. Congratulations! We just had our 31st anniversary, and now have been married over half our lives. I wonder what happens when you’re married longer than you’ve been alive?

    Also, speaking of metal chickens, last week when I was in El Paso we saw a metal chicken with boobies. And giant nipples. It was stuck half in the ground for some reason. I’ve gotta get my son to go back there and get a picture. We were so dumbfounded by a chicken sporting boobies that we didn’t think to get a picture. It’s totally not something you see every day.

  207. FYI: The plural of “octopus” is “octopuses” because the word originates from Greek, not Latin. Conversely, the plural of “cactus” is “cacti” because it’s from Latin. (Yes, I did major in English and, yes, I am a huge nerd.)

    Also: last week’s post about the giant metal chicken was the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I still laugh every time I see the “knock-knock, motherfucker” photo. That is *exactly* the type of argument my parents would have—and it also would be about towels.

  208. Congratulations on 15 years – and still being happy about it! You guys are cute.

  210. Congrats!
    May the next 15 be filled with laughter, fabulous cocktails, sarcasm and obligatory patience.
    You guys rock!

  213. How nice to see something other than Victor’s random foot! Thanks for that! I hope you BOTH had a wonderful anniversary!!!

  214. Hey — the 4th of July is my wedding anniversary, too. Or as I refer to it, My Personal Best! (I’ve been married before once or twice). It’s cool because we always have fireworks!

  215. *puts on geek hat*
    Only ‘us’ words that are derived from Latin are pluralised with an ‘i’ – octopus is derived from a Greek word do it doesn’t.

  217. Happy anniversary, you two. Ironically it’s our 15th anniversary too – well, the 15th anniversary of the first time we slept together. The son of a bitch still won’t marry me – but at least he stopped using the “cow/milk” line a few years back. Lucky thing he’s still pretty loveable…

  218. My husband and I laughed our asses off while reading this! Seriously, I thought I was going to piss myself! 😀

  219. Happy anniversary! And just like everyone else, I want to put in my 2 cents about the plural octopus debate. I say you should avoid being around more than one octopus at a time. It just sounds dangerous, as well as ungrammatical. Also, last month, I ate a live octopus. And then I unate it. So you can trust my advice. (That is to say, my advice about being around only 1 octopus, not my advice about where to eat dinner.)

    http://odysseusdrifts.blogspot.com/2011/05/eating-and-uneating-live-octopus.html

  220. It’s a sign of how much I don’t want to be at work right now that I’ve been turning this over in my mind endlessly for 15 minutes (and I am totally too lazy to read your other notes and see if anyone has already said this), but: Rather than try to make the plural of martini the same word but pronounced with a long “i,” I think we should be asking why the singular form isn’t “martinus.” (Yeah, yeah, Italian language, blah blah blah…) I think that’s what I’m going to start ordering from now on. You know, when I go to a martinus bar.

  221. Something has been subconciously bugging me about this (don’t you hate it when your conciousness doesn’t have the balls to confront you directly?) and I finally figured out what it is.

    Does this mean that the plural of “pussy” is “pie”? If so, that would go a long way toward explaining the popularity of certain baked goods. And also why they’re called “goods” instead of “bads”, I guess.

  222. The only made up fights I have are in my dreams. My fiance usually cheats on me or says something really mean like I’m not funny (which he says while I’m awake too, rude) and then I get upset when I wake up. I also make up fights in my head when I’ve been drinking too much. Coincidence..?

  225. LOL Can I just say that I love you? However, you are *not* safe for work. The spewing of drinks and embarrassing guffaws from my coworker and I are *not* good at all…

  226. A belated happy anniversary to you! My dad used to always tell me the first fifteen were the hardest, so YOU MADE IT!
    (And not to brag, but in 2 days my husband and I celebrate our 35th -and I’m still waiting to hear what the gift is for 35.)

  227. I just wanted to pop in to say two things:

    1) The giant metal chicken is made of win
    2) My sister did some huge project for her linguistics degree where she asked a bunch of people to give her the plural form of various words (octopus included) because no one fucking knows what they really are, and she got some hilarious answers because people are kind of dumb. I linked her blog as my ‘website,’ but if you wanted to know more about the eternal struggle that is using plural forms, she’s got the scoop.

  228. My husband read your metal chicken post and has now decided to divorce me after we’ve been married 14 years. In other words, we both loved it. Happy anniversary to you!

  229. Awwww – Happy 15th! I also celebrated my 15th this year….. so crazy. Feels so fast, but yet like a lifetime 🙂

    Here’s to the next 15 for all of us!

  230. I absolutely did not send a copy of your original post to my husband at his work email and cause myself to get blacklisted, nor was he questioned about the content he was receiving. Upon finally viewing the post later at home he did not describe Beyonce as “some kind of righteous poultry”

    I certainly did not go to Home Goods and look for a giant metal chicken to celebrate our 15th anniversary next year all the while wondering where the hell I was going to hide it.

    I was not disappointed when the biggest one they had here would fit in the truck of my car (actually I might have been a little grateful on that one)

    3 separate patrons in the store did not comment about what “Nice Chicken” I had

    And the cashier who lives some 886 miles from Houston (roughly according to Google Maps, she may live closer and drive a long long way to work – who knows) did not look at me and smirk, “So you read The Bloggess?”

    BTW – thanks to you and your damn blog Home Goods has totally taken Big Metal Chickens off clearance and are now insisting on full retail value!

    For the foreseeable future I will be insisting that the bag boys at the grocery store place all my bags in the truck just to watch then encounter this

    http://melizzard.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/img_1383.jpg

  231. My husband Rob and I just celebrated our 5th year anniversary. It has been a rough year, so we didn’t do much for our anniversary to mark the occasion. After reading the chicken post, however, we went on a drive looking for whimsey, and eventually ended up at the local Home Goods where they had, guess what…? We didn’t buy the 3 foot tall monstrosity, but we DID take a snapshot of it and post it and the original story to facebook. The Rob looked up anniversaries and we found that 5 years it wood. So now we have Arlo, a two foot tall wooden chicken done by a local artist in Canaan, NH. Rob insisted that we name him Arlo because is made of wood and therefore acoustic…? Ok, so his logic isn’t completely sound, but it works for me and I like Arlo Guthrie, so it sticks. Oddly, we have a lot of items in our house named after musicians. My daughter, Rosie, has an acoustic guitar named Jethro, and my acoustic is named Gabriel. T The chicken jokes have become an in thing with my friends, and the story of the giant metal chicken has become one of my favorite stories to tell. I even mentioned it at my oral communications class to my students. I saw some of them scribbling down the name of the blog site when I mentioned it…either that or they might have been writing about how I must have been stoned that day. I don’t smoke, so it couldn’t be the latter.

    Oh yes, and it is either Octopi or Octopuses…either is correct. I had this argument once. Webster is the man.

    Here’s a link to the facebook chicken picture post. We didn’t buy it, but we almost took out the vase crammed next to it while looking for the price. It was also $100 – originally $170, so not a good enough whimsey bargain in our book. We did look at towels though…
    http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2109888395763&set=a.1061021814754.11491.1502209287&type=1&theater

  232. Funniest chick ever. Seriously. I hurt every time I read your blogs because I am laughing so hard!

    Happy Metal Chicken Annniversary!

  238. The never-ending octopus debate: love it!

    Octopuses is a correct spelling that follows English linguistic rules.

    Octopi is a correct spelling that derives from common usage.

    So everybody is right (but those who argue for the former are more correct & those who argue the latter watch “The Price is Right”.)

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