I like how the only thing they actually question here is that I probably wanted to “infect” the cobras before mailing them to people.

Actual screenshot:

Google:  Helpful and non-judgemental.

114 replies. read them below or add one

  1. oh google. you always know EXACTLY what we want.
    ARE there any approved containers for cobras? inquiring minds wanna know…

    Like

  2. Thanks for the laugh. It makes me think of a time when I was working for a manufacturing company. We where shipping part to our factory in China and failed to notice that listing Raven head, Cobra body, etc would cause any alarm. Our shipping containers of metal “animal parts” got stuck in customs. Hehe, thanks to the marketing department for naming our products after critters.

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  3. well? did you find any?

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  4. I like that the search yielded about 630 results. How awesome is it that you have that many choices for shipping angry typhoid-infested cobras.

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  5. This is actually important, because if it can hold an angry, typhoid-infected cobra it MIGHT be able to hold my angry cat during the move. Let me know what Google suggests…

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  6. Why are they angry?

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  7. I can hook you you. I’ve got a guy.

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  8. Don’t forget about making sure there are plenty of air holes in the container. It would be a shame to spend all that time and energy infecting cobras and then have them suffocate.

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  9. I love how there are 630 results.

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  10. Gah, I meant to say:
    I can hook you up. I’ve got a guy.

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  11. I’m concerned with there being 630 results. (for shipping diseased cobras)

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  12. TSA agent: Shipment of angry typhoid-infected cobras? Fine, they’re in the approved containers. NEXT. Oh god, code red, code red, pull that guy over. HE HAS NAIL CLIPPERS AND THREE POINT ONE OUNCES OF SHAMPOO.

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  13. They are probably angry because someone genetically modified them so they could catch a human disease. Like snakes don’t have enough problems of their own.

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  14. This one seriously made me almost pee myself, I swear, two drops came out. Gotta love Google

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  15. Ad: Typhoid-infected cobra seeks viagra-addicted hamster for transcontinental flight. Of love.

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  16. I would be angry if I was infested (or infected)with typhoid and some mother fucker wanted to put me in a container.

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  17. This is just Google’s attempt to take viral marketing to a new level. It’s for the roll-out of Google+. All of the results will take you to sites that have appropriate shipping container options, but also contain subliminal messages that are anti-Facebook executive. Especially Zuckerburg. There are also links to find out personal mailing information.

    Google doesn’t play.

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  18. Nothing says payback like sending someone diseased cobras.

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  19. How did you find ANGRY typhoid infected cobras? Don’t they calm down after awhile? I’m obviously not a snake expert.

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  20. I really wish your blog was like a social network and I could “LIKE” comments made by your readers.

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  21. –>Are the cobras infected because they ate jet lagged hamsters Up on viagra?

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  22. If your google search history ever ends up being subpoenaed for court the people who review it for evidence are going to be so confused.

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  23. The fact that nobody even questions why you were Google searching this makes my day just as much as Google’s helpful suggestion.

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  24. It seems like maybe google has gone all telepathic on us, since they obviously read your mind. Or your intentions. Creepers.

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  25. Seriously amazing. Will there be typhoid-infested cobras now packaged with giant metal chickens?

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  26. My mother works for a big name shipping company. She got a customer service call one day from someone who was angry that his package was empty when it was delivered to the recipient’s doorstep. Empty, with a hole in it, that is. My mother asks if they can tell her what was supposedly “stolen.” The answer?

    A live, poisonous snake.

    Last I heard, the driver was still refusing to get back in his truck. What a wuss. It’s not like it was an angry, typhoid-infected poisonous snake.

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  27. Your posts make me happy. Don’t ever go to Utah or on vacation again, please. I’m off my medication & rely on you to cheer me the fuck up. No pressure.
    🙂

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  28. 28
    Save A Gerbil

    I wonder if the container could hold horny mice with jet lag?

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  29. Is an angry typhoid infected cobra what it will take to finally make the honey badger give a fuck?

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  30. Uhhh, is anyone concerned about the fact that she was ACTUALLY TRYING TO SEARCH FOR SOMETHING HAVING TO DO WITH TYPHOID AND COBRAS??? I mean let’s focus here, people? This is NOT about the shipping containers!

    Like

  31. 31
    Save A Gerbil

    Of Course, the question on my mind is, “Where did you find these cobras?”

    I think that simply typing that into a search engine might elicit a visit by the FBI or Homeland Security…. For our protection, of course….. ;D

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  32. If there are about 630 APPROVED containers, how many aren’t approved? and who makes these determinations? And were they indeed infested or merely infected? Because appearantly it makes a difference…

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  33. I imagine that the ratings on the containers must be slightly higher for angry cobras. Especially since they launch other snakes at the angry birds.

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  34. And then the shipping containers say, “Thanks for the snack, stupid.”

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  35. I resent it when Google presumes to think it knows what I meant. No, I did NOT mean “beach sex”, stupid google, I meant “beast sex” and I’ll thank you not to judge me.

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  36. I like that it didn’t take Google that long to get 630 results in .31 seconds. That is just amazing. My question is Who are the infested/infected snakes for?

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  37. Pay-back for Shatner at last?

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  38. Google is really just correcting word choice here. Infected really is the more appropriate word. That being said, the number of results is quite disturbing.

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  39. Clearly I google the wrong things. I never com up with anything this interesting!

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  40. *Come*. *Come up.* Geez.

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  41. Isn’t Google pedantic? What’s your problem Google?
    Google is that smug person who sits in your office and points out the typos in your email. Get a life GOOGLE.

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  42. And? Which containers are the approved shipping containers? I just might have a need to know.

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  43. Simply amazing.

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  44. Is there a big enough need for these containers that there should be 630 results? How many fit into one container???

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  45. It’s like Disneyland in Hell inside your head isn’t it? . . . and I want tickets.

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  46. Cobras get typhoid?

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  47. @avasmommy:
    AWESOME!
    Your comment got me curious looks from co-workers after laughing too loudly….I may have even shook the windows in building…

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  48. Right? It does seem like it should raise a few more red flags than that…

    Be careful what you Google. Just in case your cat shows up dead strangled by an angry cobra with typhoid… those search CAN be held against you. And your cat isn’t a two year old adorable little girl, so you’ll be sent to the pen for sure for an iungodly period of time.

    What?? Too soon?

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  49. gotta listen to them…they’re the all powerful Google

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  50. It’s a trick question, right? I don’t think snakes can get typhoid. The best you could do, if you smeared one with typhoid bacteria, would be to produce an angry typhoid-contaminated cobra.

    Like

  51. 51
    Anna Nonamus

    With help like that, who could go wrong? Now you know how to ship both. Handy, that Google. They selleople on shit they never even knew they wanted.

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  52. Definitely be careful not to commit a crime which would allow for confiscation of your hard drive. The things you Google would blow the jury’s mind lol. I would like to know if you found the container you were looking for

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  53. So is the idea that if the poison from the snake doesn’t get them then the typhus will?

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  54. More presumptuousness: Who is authorized to approve these containers? On what grounds do they approve them? Are they of a standard size, regardless of the number of cobras one wishes to ship? Domestic vs. International? I call shenanigans on this entire Google search. Google is in NO position to advise you.

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  55. When I get 18 I’m going to work for GOOGLE… got nothing better than to seek for meaningless crap anyway… Damn I’m getting weird looks from others using the public transport… Can’t get them… what’s bad in laughing like a madman? :D:D

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  56. But what we really need to know is who are you planning to ship these angry and possibly infected cobras *to*???

    I am so not giving you my address.

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  57. I wonder how you insure the cobras?

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  58. I’m surprised google didn’t want clarification on which carrier you were shipping through. I would think USPS and FedEx would have much different requirements. I mean, you can’t even ship beer through USPS, can you? Or maybe that’s bears that you can’t ship… Hmmm.

    Like

  59. 60
    Silverfaerie

    Ok, just for the record, if you leave out the word ‘angry’ in the search, there are like 1700+ results.

    Like

  60. See, my question is this: if there are approved shipping containers for angry typhoid-infected/infested cobras, just who is on the approval committee, and what are the requirements for a container to be approved? Is there an approval process? A checklist, perhaps? Is there someone in charge of the shipping container approval committee? Do they just handle cobras, or do they approve shipping containers for all reptiles? Can Dengue Fever-infected turtles be shipped in the same containers, or do they require shipping containers all their own? How about a komodo dragon infected with the bird flu?

    What, I’ve got questions!

    Like

  61. 62
    Jess Rolin

    What scares me is that the first comment you received is from Satan. Suddenly Google being a possible co-conspirator in a scary plot to transport sickly cobras doesn’t scare me anymore.

    Like

  62. What scares me is that the first comment you received is from Satan. Suddenly Google being a possible co-conspirator in a scary plot to transport sickly cobras doesn’t scare me anymore.

    Like

  63. Ummm, That makes me wonder…are there approved containers for jet-lagged hamsters on viagra? And, why didn’t my guidance counselor mention THESE jobs when I was in high school???

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  64. Mr. Google: Hey Jeeves, check out what I found in my search engine. As if UPS would ever ship an INFESTED cobra!! LOL!

    Jeeves: LOL! Some people are so crazy.

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  65. Taking a moment to thank you: traffic to my little blog has been on the rise, a fact I attribute to the crazy random happenstance of people searching for “large metal chicken.” I really should stick a re-direct on my homepage, for those souls who find I have no *knock-knocking metal chickens,* so they can come here, and enjoy a good laugh. They must be crestfallen, otherwise.

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  66. Are you sending snakes on a plane?

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  67. Google knows better than to judge you, Miss Jenny, Bloggess of Internets. It doesn’t know much, but it at least knows that.

    Like

  68. Fuckin’ google.

    SEO SEO SEO

    And cobras.

    You rule, Jenny.

    Like

  69. This is because typhoid-infested cobras don’t need containers. Only the infected ones.

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  70. I know what my mom is getting for her birthday now!!!

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  71. Taking into account “if at first you don’t succeed, try, and try again”…I would NOT want to be on the test committee for box design…

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  72. I wonder if my sister would be any more/less terrified of a typhoid-infected cobra than she is of snakes in general.

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  73. Dontcha just love Google?

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  74. Google can be like your therapist with its non-judgmental attitude.

    “Hmmm . . . I see . . . perhaps this other crazycakes thing would make more sense for you?”

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  75. After they’re shipped do they have jet lag?

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  76. Um, are you shipping the cobras to or from your house?

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  77. That is all sorts of awesome. I love Google.

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  78. I woke my husband up laughing at this blog and all of the comments. I was UPSTAIRS and he was down in the bedroom. Do I laugh too loudly, or are you too funny? 😛

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  79. Motherf***ing Snakes On a Plane!

    ~EdT.

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  80. Google – endless hours of entertainment!

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  81. I always sweep cobras’ legs.

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  82. I bet the “angry” part means extra postage. That’s all I can see that can be problematic with that kind of shipment.

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  83. Love it.

    Speaking of “love,” if you Google, “Jesus likes cupcakes,” it will come back with “Did you mean… ‘Jesus loves cupcakes?'”

    My bad, yes. Yes, Jesus LOVES cupcakes.

    Like

  84. I have a box here suitable for overjoyed, ADHD garter snakes. Do you think that’ll work?

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  85. Oh my Goodness, I dont know what is funnier, your post, or some of the commets! Thank you all..I have luaghed till tears were rolling down my face.

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  86. Oh man. I am SO making a circle on Google+ of people who I should ship angry typhoid-infected cobras to. Especially now that I know there are so many approved containers! Thank you, Jenny.

    Like

  87. I’ll need to know what exactly they are approving as well. Because I don’t just want the typhoid contained, I want my snakes properly cushioned for no breakage or bruising.

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  88. There’s no judgement at Google. Just 630 types of safe containers for typhoid infected cobras. That’s what makes them so awesome.

    Like

  89. 90
    Laura Cole

    umm, and WHY exactly were you actually looking that up??

    Like

  90. Google – Helpful *and* non-judgemental?

    Tried the same search on Yahoo! What did I get? A couple of your posts, but the other top five? Sites regarding barges, ships and health insurance.

    Yahoo! – boring and confused.

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  91. I HAD to tell you that you write the funniest stuff I have ever read in my life. Seriously. Thanks for the laughs.

    Like

  92. Love it. Am obsessed with google and try to make everyone on my fb page google their name and is…..the top search for chloe is…….(wait for it) “chloe is a poo”!!! Who googles that and why is it googled so frequently that it is number 1??!

    Sorry for the over-use of the word google hehe.

    (im not really sorry)

    Like

  93. Maybe they’re angry because you tried shipping them first in unapproved containers.

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  94. Yeah this has nothing to do with what you wrote, but you’re random as hell, so why can’t your readers be too? Enjoy. http://www.pantsareoverrated.com/07_12_2011/know-your-apocalypses

    Like

  95. Google: a good reminder that someone will always be crazier than you on the internet.

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  96. Infection is better than infestation. Everyone knows that.

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  97. I love that Google is always so open and forgiving. They’re like the bad influence friend – they’ll totally accept you but at the same time try to push you a little further down the spiral.

    Like

  98. I’m stuck on wondering what government agency “approves” those containers.

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  99. 100
    Lori Beth

    I am SO using this.
    Piss me off and you’ll get: “ANGRY TYPHOID INFESTED COBRAS…IN YOUR PANTS!!”
    I mean, really. If containers are easy to acquire, you can totally hunt people down.
    I’m starting with the guys who gives me parking tickets.

    Like

  100. Your cobra has typhoid. Loose 3 days.

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  101. How sweet of you to get Victor a belated anniversary present! Truly, deeply, madly sweet. When you care enough to send the very best.

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  102. Woah Woah Woah, under no circumstances does a cobra transportation device need airholes. Do you know what cobras call airholes? Escape holes. No, instead make sure that it has a razor sharp battery powered fan blowing air in. Then if they try to use it on the plane the passengers will all be able to share the discovery of typhoid infested cobra sushi. Because getting typhoid from a cobra bite would just be too blasse.

    Like

  103. What I’m trying to figure out is why you were googling ways to transport angry typhoid-infected cobras.

    Like

  104. For those who really want to ship some snakes, AllBoas.com has detailed step-by-step instructions, with pictures.

    Love Google.

    Like

  105. Glad I’m not the only one who googles stuff like that.

    Like

  106. Too funny! What a hoot–the post AND the comments! Still ROTF LMAO!

    Fiona
    http://www.ExecutiveEditing.com

    Like

  107. It reminds me of the FAIL blog when they featured google searches. My favorite being “I like to tape my thumbs to my hands and pretend I’m a dinosaur.”

    Like

  108. 109
    swampthing

    You spelled ‘non-judgmental’ wrong.

    Like

  109. 110
    bluesabriel

    I laughed so hard I cried. When I turned the screen to my husband to make him read it, he was quiet for a minute, said ” . . . wait, WHAT?”, and then started laughing with me. Best reaction ever.

    Like

  110. Um. Does Samuel L. Jackson know anything about this?

    Like

  111. Um. Does Samuel L. Jackson know anything about this??

    Like

    Mama Needs a Cosmo recently posted “Decorate Your Blog Like Your High School Locker” Day.

  112. You make me chortle on a daily basis – so thank you!

    Like

  113. USPS won’t ship them per the postal code. You’d have to use a courier service. The container would be up to your courier.

    Like

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