This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to work with people

in I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished, William Shatner: It's complicated

Not long ago I got an email from Jane Pratt (creator of Sassy, Jane Magazine, and personal hero of mine since I was 12) who asked if I’d be a writer for her new website.  After I stopped screaming I finally responded.  This is the actual email I sent.  It’s also proof that I need someone to keep me off the computer after I’ve had pain pills.

Dear Jane:

True story: I wrote an essay for my 8th grade English class about how I would one day be a highly-paid intern for Sassy and that I would use all of my earnings to create a race of half rabbits/half kittens, which I would call “Rabittens“.

It’s fairly obvious that not only was I woefully misinformed on what interns are paid, but that I also was terrible at naming things, since “Rabittens” sounds like something rabid that’s just bitten you.

Clearly, “Kabunnies” is the obvious choice, and if I had a time-machine I’d go back and shake my head in disappointment at my 8th grade me.  I’d also tell me to enjoy rocking the side-ponytail while I still could, because its days were numbered.  I would never have believed me.

In short, I am totally flattered that you even know who I am and I would *love* to write for you, if for no other reason than to be able to tell my 8th grade English teacher that she was wrong about my “unrealistic expectations”, and I would totally call her right now to tell her that except that she’s dead.  I can only imagine that tomorrow science will come out with the technology to invent Kabunnies and suddenly the side  pony-tail will be popular again.  Also, I might be in a coma, dreaming all of this.

Unfortunately my book is due at my publishers so I’m swamped with writing deadlines, so the only way I could do this would be to write for you a few times a year when I have spare time/insomnia, or to quit one of my paid columns, which would suck because my daughter has grown accustomed to the little luxuries of hot lunches and vaccinations. I would love to hear more about it though, and either way this email will go in my file labeled “THAT JUST HAPPENED”, sandwiched between the time Neil Gaiman agreed to speak at my funeral, and the time when I accidentally started a feud between myself and William Shatner which was covered by several news outlets.  (It was a very slow news week).

Best coma ever,

~Jenny

PS.  To her credit, Jane was not shaken and still offered me a spot.  I countered that I was open to offers “unless it’s an offer to pay me in used syringes, because I have quite enough of those already, thankyouverymuch“.  Then I started negotiations at $182,500 because “Frankly, I’d feel bad charging you anything over $181,000”.  She has not replied.  Probably because she’s too busy stealing my kabunnies idea.

PPS.  You can have “kabunnies”, Jane.  For free.  That’s how negotiations work.

183 thoughts on “This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to work with people”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I feel like rabittens should be on Monty Python. Oh! Or maybe they can be the next “thing.” You know, it was vampires, then supposedly werewolves (I still think vampires would win), and now RABITTENS!!! Don’t go in the basement!

  2. If I could, I’d write technical articles for very specific trade publications about whose subject I know nothing whatsoever. I’d pass off my articles as fact and rake in the cash.

    Now that I think of it, there’s no reason why I can’t just do that right now! BBL!

  3. Now I feel like there should be rabitten mittens. NOOOOO! Not made out of rabittens! Mittens FOR the rabittens. And you can have that idea for free, even though we aren’t actually negotiating anything.

    Your welcome.

  4. I am pretty sure True Blood would buy your idea of Rabittens. They have every kind of human creature know to ever exist in the fake world of TV – they should totally have Rabittens too!

  6. I love your rabittens!! It’s soooooooo much better than the cross-bred ferret/duck (fuck) I was going to create using my 5th grade portable microscope. My mom told me nobody would want a fuck because fucks couldn’t fly.

    That dream was squashed.

  8. I have ALWAYS said I shouldn’t be allowed to work with people unless I am drunk. And obviously the alcohol would need to paid for by the company… and then I would need a driver. DAMN. This is complicated and I’m probably just better of in some sort of sex trade business.

  9. Just watch, in 6 months, Kabbunnies are going to be HUGE…. And then awful people will carry them into grocery stores in their purses….

  10. Please don’t forget to ask for her famous youth serum made of kitten intestine while you are negotiating. Also, it has to be live kittens. Also, it must be shipped refrigerated.

  11. you would be worth every penny.

    This reminds me of a time my friend and I decided to use genetics to create a “meagle (part man, part eagle) so we wouldn’t have to park our cars.

    I think a rabitten is a rabid kitten no?

  14. I do something similar to the kabunnies — i buy old trophies at thrift stores and paste the parts together into new trophies. I’m working on an entire set for my team at work. Bowling and gymnastics? Sure, you get a bowlastics trophy! Good for you! (I also modify wheaties boxes for those deserving souls.)
    Congrats on the offer, very cool!

  15. Wait, Neil Gaiman agreed to speak at your funeral? Can we see a copy of THAT email? Not because I don’t believe you but because I just want to see it because KICK ASS!

  16. You should up the starting price. Your writing would lure me to Jane’s new site, which I wouldn’t even know about if it weren’t for you. (You can quote me in negotiations, if it will help.)

  17. clearly you’re at the level of infamy that requires a personal assistant. I WILL move to TX for this job. My in laws are in Houston anyway.
    I wll get you a reality TV show. I will bring you Xanax and vodka slushies into whatever bathroom you’re hiding in.
    I will accept paychecks in the form of Kabunnies and metal chickens.
    I’m easy that way.

  20. But you could tell a new generation of 12 year old girls about the perils of big metal chickens. Forget Twilight, what tween doesn’t read about that?

  21. Kabunnies is so 1990. My kids have invented the newest hybrid: squnnies. Part squirrel/part bunny. They claim it lives at the pool under the bushes by the picnic area and like to shriek “Squnnniiieee!” at the tops of their lungs while chasing some poor rabbit (that, admittedly, DOES somewhat look like a hybrid squirrel-rabbit) under tables and through the bare legs of many a disgruntled pool patron.

    Feel free to offer her the squnnie idea. My kids are lazy and won’t take their idea to the proper authorities or patent office or what-not so it’s a perfectly good idea that will be wasted unless someone with a hefty back up of cashola can invest in it.

  22. Kabunnies makes me think of things that blow up. Which is probably why *I* shouldn’t be allowed to work with people.

  23. One of my kids fell victim to Rabittens. let me tell you, that was no joke. There was blood and cute all over the place

  24. I want a kabunny!!!! That’s so much better than the ferret-duck (fuck) crossbreed I was going to create in 5th grade with my Mr Science portable microscope. My mom told me nobody wanted a fuck and that fucks couldn’t fly. damn. That dream was squashed.

  25. Seriously, I would have shit myself.

    *Sassy* (in Phil Hartman’s voice)

  26. Best “blog I’ve just discovered” ever. Thanks for bringing the funny back into my life.

  27. Wit on demand is hard. I’d probably read your email out loud at a board meeting and say, “Fuck. I’ve got nothing. We’ve got to do as she says. Bring in the stupid kittens. But offer no more than $181,000” Then I’d go home and cut my wrist. Thanks.

  31. I’m confused. Is it a kitten face with a rabbit body? Because that would be awesome. Or a rabbit face with a kitten body? Because that would be totally fucked up.

  34. Oh, god, those side ponytails. I was about to say they should be revived, and then I had an image of zombies with side ponytails attacking. Only instead of “Thriller” formations, these zombies would be doing the Electric Slide. If the Kabunnies ever see the light of day, I hope they’re on our side.

    Boogie-woogie-woogie!

  35. sorry, dude the side ponytail is never coming back. Unless it comes back in the zombie version and no one really wants that.

  36. As a kid I was enamored with Indiana Jones (but, Hell to the No in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!) and all things ancient. I was also hella into dinosaurs and being the talkative 8 year old I was, I told my mom that I was going to find a new dinosaur and name it the Carolineosaurus. Not so cool when she told my third grade classmates that she happened to be teaching. #EpicFail

  37. Rabitten sounds like it should be the cousin of Bunnicula. Or maybe one of his victims. LIke, ohhh, don’t eat that celery, it’s been rabitten.

    (Anyone else remember that book, or am I just old? Just me then? Ok, thanks.)

    (I’m reading Bunnicula to Hailey right now. Unappreciated classic. ~ Jenny )

  38. And then when the zombie apocalypse happens, we’ll have vicious, yet surprisingly adorable, man-eating kabunnies to deal with. Thanks. You’ve just doomed those of us who were going to make it past the zombie hordes. (By the by, “hordes” doesn’t look like it should even be a word. That is all.)

  40. She is probably trying to find and English to Awesome dictionary, in order to properly word her reply. Either that or she got eaten by a zombie. These things happen you know.

  41. unfortunately darlin’ the Japanese beat you to it
    check out an anime called Tenchi Muyo sometime
    Her name is Ryo-Oki and among the fandom her species is referred to as a “cabbit”
    google image search: http://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1366&bih=630&q=ryooki+tenchi&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2&oq=ryooki+tenchi&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=s&gs_upl=2757l2757l0l4036l1l1l0l0l0l0l975l975l6-1l1

    it mostly safe if you stay on the first page….

  43. OMG! Happened upon your site from twitter and am now totally in love <3 Best letter EVER! Any time we flash back to our 8th grade selves to share a little wisdom and some fashion advice I know its gonna be good times. P.S. I would totally buy a Rabitten if not only to tell people that I have a mitten wearing rabid kitten.

  44. You deserve $183K, easily. Go get it.

    Wow, what an honor… looking forward to reading your work there! Have fun with it! (I suspect you will)

    🙂

  45. Okay, now because of Becky’s comment, I now have kabooming kabunnies in my head and when they blow up little meowing cottonballs fall from the sky. Like cottontails with kitten faces.

    Why, Becky, why?

  46. The mother of my cat, was half rabbit/half cat, and went by the name Cabbit. I realize cats are not as cute as kittens, and rabbits not as cute as bunnies – but the name does roll off the tongue pretty well, ifidosaysomyself.

  47. I don’t think my hair is long enough to rock a side pony right now. In preparation for their obvious impending comeback, I will increase my scrunchie collection and focus on growing my hair out.

  48. Kabunnies makes me think Ka-BOOM. So, now I’m thinking about exploding rabbit-kitten hybrids, and my head hurts. But I’m smiling. Congrats!

  52. Wow. So not only are you awesome enough for Jane Pratt to want you, but you actually turned her DOWN. and she STILL came back.

    182K buys a lot of lunch and vaccinations.

  55. Its Cabbots! Has been since Tenchi! An Japanese cartoon! My own cat is a Cabbot because he has hind legs that are like a rabbit…though clearly he is a cat. Though his mind thinks he’s a dog with no tail. Dog: Cus he plays fetch. No tail: Because he freaked out one year and tried to bit his tail off *true story* and I had to have it removed and he’s on kitty calm down meds now. Sometimes I steal them….don’t tell him that.

  56. And by An Japenese Cartoon I clearly meant A Japanese Cartoon. I’m drinking my vodka now. Its been a long day.

  57. I just wrote a freaking post last week declaring my love of Sassy because I was perusing an old scrapbook and found all of my Sassy clippings. If I had been offered a job writing for xojane.com I would have torched that whole book idea.

    Probably not. But still.

  58. Jenny … you need to keep brainstorming on this one. Kabunnies sounds like some kind of kamikaze bunny weapon. Or a really fluffy toilet bowl cleaner that Billy Mays would hock on TV. Except he’s dead too, so you’d end up with that really obnoxious guy who *allegedly* beat up a prostitute. And I don’t really think that’s the image you’re going for.

  59. This makes me ridiculously second-hand happy for some reason – I was such a fan of Sassy back in the day (and Jane magazine, although it was no Sassy {{{sigh}}}). It’s like someone put two of my favorite things together. Congrats!

  62. Its too bad that your 8th grade teacher died, it would have been nice if you could rub it in her face that she was totally wrong! That kinda happened with my 7th grade teacher, she made us watch this terrible movie about the Nazi’s and this father son duo. It was called, “Life is Beautiful”. After the Father and son make it through most of the movie, as they are escaping, a Nazi soilder totally shoots the dad in front of the kid! (sorry about the spoiler, but i am actually saving you because it was just a terrible movie) And the kid merrily skips off to find his mother and ride in a tank.
    It was the teachers FAVORITE movie, and she wanted all of us to write a paper on how much we LOVED it, my feelings now about the movie were the same back then. I titled my paper “Life is DEFINITELY Not Beautiful”, and well, she actually refused to give me a grade. But I think I win, only cuz they never made any sequels to the movie so HA!

    …I have totally forgot what my reasoning behind this comment was.

  64. Just so you know…”working with people” is totally overrated! I do it daily and although my head hasn’t actually exploded, I know I have several blood vessles that have burst from “working with people”.

    PS. This weekend Husband and I were discussing the fact that our 23rd wedding anniversary is this Friday and someone asked “if 25th is silver what it the gift given for the 23rd anniversary?” I immediately announced “Giant Metal Chickens! Giant Metal Chickens are for the 23rd anniversary!” Husbands response was…”You had better not be getting me a giant metal chicken”.

    I may be needing a home for a giant metal chicken….

  65. I just popped over to her site and saw that she spent most of her day wearing a shirt that reads “I support single Moms….one dollar at a time” with the graphic of a pole dancer on it. She freaked out Heidi Klum, made a priest sad, and collected a lot of unsolicited phone numbers on the streets of NYC.

    It’s like you two were made for each other.

  66. I am allergic to kittens but do fine around bunnies. Do you think you could ask Jane to work on the dander issue so that those of us who become miserable, swollen messes around cats can live in harmony with kabunnies?

    Thank you. That is all.

  67. Maybe she has responded because she’s getting her Zombie Apocalypse survival bag together. People just wait until the last minute to do that…that’s why their brains get eaten first!

  68. “Kabunnies” sounds like it should be in an exploding speech bubble a la Batman fight scenes. I assume this is what bystanders see when observing bunnies who are also ninjas engage in fisticuffs.

  70. I love Kabunnies… my husband talks some crazy shit in his sleep and he once told me about “The Deaver” which he expected me to know was a cross between a deer and a beaver. He didn’t remember it the next day, but I photoshopped my own version of a Deaver and drove him crazy by taping pics of it all over the house after that. I’d be interested to see your vision of a Kabunny!
    -Mo
    http://bellababyblahg.blogspot.com/

  71. If you want to be in a place where side ponytails still exist then come to Essex in England, the people down here are SOOOOOO rocking that look right now. I can’t even begin to tell you.

  73. My 5-year-old daughter has been rockin a side-pony all summer long…so when it comes back, you can thank her for it. If you can’t take on Jane’s offer, send her MY WAY!

  75. Warms my heart. Reminds me of when I filled out the paper work to adopt a dog and under “Previous experience with animals,” I put: “My father bought me a pheasant when I was in third grade. I had hoped for a pony. We ate the pheasant shortly after.”

    They denied my application.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  76. I love Kabunnies… my husband talks crazy shit in his sleep and he once referred to “The Deaver,” which he expected me to know is a cross between a deer and a beaver. He didn’t remember it when he woke up, so I photoshopped my best version of a deaver and tortured him by taping pictures all over the house. I think you should make us a picture of one of these kabunnies 🙂

  77. My husband tells a tale of a strange breed of cats with short front legs who hop like bunnies. They live on one of those isles off the coast of England. Right hand up to god.

  78. Oh, damn Girl…I think I might give up my left tit to write for Jane. I wanted to BE her. Instead I’m just a wino wannabe writer with a useless degree and various laundry folding skills. Take the damn job. That way at least I can live vicariously through you…

  79. I still refer to Sassy and Jane as the greatest magazines EVER, and i can totally picture myself lying in bed with my night brace on, drooling under the Brett Michaels poster while curled up with every issue of Sassy. Jane Pratt is my hero, which means YOU are now my hero by default. AWESOMENESS.

  81. You, Sassy (ok, ok, xoJane) and Kabunnies – my new holy trinity. Amen.

  82. Perhaps she was just shocked at what a bargain you were offering her?

    P.S. They’re ALWAYS wrong about “unrealistic expectations.”

  84. We couldn’t afford you, Bloggess! Sorry if we never responded, pre-launch was a dark and crazy time. xo Emily

  85. I now want to dress up my friend’s cat in a prayer shawl and kippah for holiday pictures. “Look! It’s the Hannukkah Rabbitten! Don’t be a meshugenner or he’ll dig your mother’s silverware out of the garden and *then won’t you feel guilty*!?”

    Shows what I know. But “Rabbitens vs. Kabunnies” should be either a comic book or a video game.

  86. Too bad I can’t open the link to Jane’s website. Work blocks her site as it’s labeled as “Sex Education”. Really?

  89. Congrats on getting to work with/for your hero! I still haven’t heard back from Mike Rowe, who’s more of a fantasy than a mentor. Although I like to think there are LOTS of things he could teach me.

    Dirty things.

    PS: Please tell me there are kabuki kabunnies! PLEASE!!!

  90. Congrats on your dream come true that by the time it came true you were too busy being successful to act on it. Now THAT’S a dream come true. 🙂

  91. Clearly, it’s Kibbitz. And it’s been done before. Way back in the olden days, where I am from, instead of giving people our two cents worth, we would ask someone: mind if I kibbitz? When ever we wanted to butt into their business. Then we would hand them a creature that was half kitten, half rabbit. The practice fell out of style when we all had two cents to five people. You’re welcome.

  92. Hi, hello. Let’s make this about me? I just realized that this is the person you were talking about on the night that I fell in love with you on Twitter; the night that you shared the fact that I wore a burned and mutilated barbie doll around my neck in high school.

    Also. CABBITS. CABBITS. I love you.

    Cabbits. http://www.flickr.com/photos/keltonio/5501261408/

  93. kabunnies….hmnnn…..sounds like something Bobby Flay might steal. Better watch out…lol
    How is Beyonce doing these days?

  94. btw…I feel like such a loser because apparently everyone but me was reading Sassy. I was too busy pinning up posters of the Kirk Cameron and New Kids on the Block from my Big Bopper magazine.

  95. That’s hilarious! I really think that kabunnies would be an excellent hybrid… Jane may have a team of scientists on it right now.

  98. That’s so weird… when I was in 8th grade, I had a scientific idea that if I gave a regular plant blood instead of water I would breed a new race of man-eating plants, like in Little Shop of Horrors. I don’t think our days of genetic experimentation are necessarily over…. Kabunnies and Horrorplants could happen.

  101. Holy snot.. I might have to locate a copy of Sassy and check it out now. Do you now ask.. ‘WTF has she never heard of Sassy?’ to which I would have to say ayup.. since I live in the bassackward wilds of Idaho (*sobs and thinks of her former life in Portland OR*) it is sad but painfully true. Go go gadget typing!

  102. But we did respond to you, no? xo Jane

    To everything except for my offer to write for $180k. But I wouldn’t have responded to that either, honestly. 🙂 ~ Jenny

  103. Rabittens put me in mind of rabid mittens. Like the one from that weird kids’ book where all those woodland creatures fit inside a little boy’s mitten (which, by the way, I’m calling bullshit), but instead of it ending with friendship, warmth, and winter suvival, it ends with crazy eyes, foaming mouths, and the Department of Fish & Game showing up with riffles. Which is fun, too, I guess…

    But Kabunnies reminds me of exploding rabbits, so there’s that to consider as well…

  104. I LOVED Sassy magazine and still reference it on occasion. I feel like people don’t know what the f*ck I am talking about though (which is a normal feeling for me.)
    Congratulations and I would like to order one Rabbitten and a soccer team of Kabunnies. If they could be pink with purple whiskers and come with sparkles, clip on feathers and a comb, that would be ideal. Thank you.

  105. I’m more a fan of Rabittens. Kabunnies just sounds like a curse word. Fun as a curse but not to yell at my new beloved pets.

  106. I like Kabunnies, because they sound like explosions. Although I’m not sure I’d want one, since I can barely handle the amount of pooping a regular kitten does, and bunnies are poop machines. Unless you’ve managed to fix that, which I’m sure you have.

    I’ll take a black one, please.

  107. Brandy, oh my god. That is my new “clean swear” when I’m out doing scout mom duties. “Kabunnies! Which one of you …. loveable monkeys conned your mom into sending you to the woods with a lighter?”

  108. Unless you’re really 14-and-a-half, I think you’re putting yourself out on a limb when you publicly announce that someone was your personal hero when you were twelve.

    But I am fundamentally cowardly and convinced that breathing towards people if I haven’t had a breathmint in the last 11 seconds is risky behavior.

  109. We all have our heroes and people we admire and it’s apparently relative. I’m still totally *swooning* because you stopped by my blog yesterday and left a comment.

    By the way, Kitten says: “*SWOON* Hi, Jenny!”

    She now refers to me as “Her Victor”. I don’t know if this is good or not.

  110. When I was twelve, my dream was to collaborate with R.L. Stine and Stephen King on the most horriffic book anyone could ever think to write…

    And then I realized that it would just result in a lot of bitch smacking and one or both of them referring me to a psychologist for an evaluation like my fourth grade writing teacher did. Yes, that seriously happened. That’s why you shouldn’t be an asshole to me the day after my parents let me watch a documentary on abortion.

    When I got older I dreamed of writing for Cosmo because, hey, it was rumored they paid $2.00 a word and then I remembered I wasn’t a huge whore and therefore really had nothing to bring to the table.

    You should auction off the right to write your Sassy column each week… for charity… or more giant metal chickens.

  113. What about Kitbitts?

    I’m going to go ahead and guess someone already came up with that, but I’m not scrolling through all the comments to find out.

    Please send Jane my way if she fails to negotiate.

  114. Pain pills and comas! *That’s* what I’m missing in my quest to be even 1/4 as amusing as you. I’m going to call my doctor first thing in the morning.

    At least you were in 8th grade with the side ponytail. I think I was still sporting one at 25. *sheepish*

  115. Oh my gosh, I *loved* Sassy magazine! Good luck with Jane. I totally hope it works out for you. And if it doesn’t… send her my name, will ya? 🙂

  116. Oh my gosh, bitch! Why are you living my life???? Or the life I was supposed to have. JANE PRATT?? I LOVE JANE!! I loved Sassy!!!

  117. Holy carp (aka crap)! I just got back from changing my wet pants from laughing so hard…I just “caught up” with the whole William Shatner ordeal…I get lost in your links as I click and shoot snot out of my nose. Pretty, I know…but, oh my….It’s like your words talk to my brain in a way that no one else has figured out. Thank you!

  118. Maybe it’s just me, but I really do think your race of half rabbits/half kittens, should really be called “Kittits”.

  120. Oh man, fame is so cool! I would hate all of the constant attention and pressure, but LOOK HOW MANY COOL THINGS YOU GET TO DO!!!
    Meeting your lifelong idols and creating Kabunnies all over the place? Totally bada$$.

  121. First off, I want a Kabunny. Secondly, Jane Pratt has always been a hero of mine as well. I cried a little when Jane Magazine finally folded. The message boards that spawned off it’s demise were an odd mix of anti-social, anarchist, secret society voodoo. They’re still out there too….

  122. Clearly, ‘kibitties’ would have sprung to mind if you weren’t all hopped up on painkillers, or it being Tuesday, or whatever is happening at your house. You can have that for free, since that’s how fandom works, thank you very much. 😉

  123. It’s true that scientists have crossed a lion and a tiger and made a lion. If they crossed a pig and a cow, it would be a “pow.” I’m a little surprised that the pow has not been developed because Israelites would be allowed to have bacon. Bacon rocks.

  125. Hi Jenny!
    It’s a great idea, Kabunny, of course is the one i like best…..I want one & of course a Beyonce too. Congrats on the offer, that’s fantastic. Thank you for the info on where you found Beyonce, we are on vacation right now, however as soon as we head home I’m looking for one of those stores, that may actually have a Beyonce available until you’ll start selling them Giant size in your store-LOL
    I also commented somewhere on your blog about my 5 foot wooden hand carved Brown bear in my foyer and followed up with pictures on my blog. And My Mother called and texted me, she was especially interested on when I’ll be arriving back from vacation…it will either be an intervention, crisis management team or the Police to 302 me for a few days…
    In all seriousness my last two post where dedicated to you, if you ever have time stop over and read them enjoy, but half of the info is buried in comment section in your blog somewhere
    Your completely insomniac friend
    Purplestinkyonion or (PSO)

  128. Remember those spiral bracelets that came in all different colors. Get the tomorrow scientists to bring those back too. Rad.

  130. Sassy and Jane Magazine taught me everything I ever needed to know about anything, and now you’re a part of the next phase? Amazingness dipped in awesome sauce.

  131. You’ve inspired me!!!

    What about:

    Kazombies?
    Kaelephants?
    Kapoliticians?

    Everything’s better mixed with kittens!!!

  133. Seriously? Jane Pratt? My 7th grade jealousy is taking over me! Quick! Get me a kabunny to pet and soothe me!

    I think you should bring back the side ponytail. I will TOTALLY wear one as soon as you do…or something like that.

  136. Interned for Sassy for two years. Got paid bupkus. It was fun though. I was there when they moved offices one year and then again a year later. They thought I was a miralce worker because I could find things that had been missing for like, a year. They didn’t realize that I was the one that unpacked them in the first place. And I got to do a lot of Keanu Reeves research.

  138. see shmucks, that is why I have my hair in a banana clip, because side ponytails were so 1990.

    Jane Pratt rocks. . .

  139. Personally I’ve found computers and pain pills can be fun, as long credit card info is not disclosed, and you don’t somehow agree to marry a bi-curious Nepalese leper.

  140. Let it be known that, unfortunately, side ponytails are back in. Sad but true, folks. I work at an all-girls high school and it’s funny to me how they think they’re so on the cutting edge of fashion. (Despite the fact that we beat them to the large one-shoulder cut sweatshirts, side ponies, and leggings by what? 20 years?)

  142. Awesome as usual. I like the kitbits best, I agree kabunnies does sound like exploding bunnies.

  143. Oh my kabunny! I lived and died by Sassy back in the day and thought Jane Pratt was a goddess. She’s regained goddess standing by wanting you as a writer. But I’m not sacrificing virgin kabunnies to her. Because that is wrong. Maybe a giant metal chicken instead.

  144. This is hilarity. Congrats! The funniest part to me (probably because I’m a numbers gal) is that you said you would feel bad charging over 181k, so you started higher at 182.5k. What if she accepts? Would you feel bad? (You shouldn’t feel bad, in my opinion…the intensity with which your words make me laugh every time you post anything is worth so much more…if it were possible to put a value on my joy…) Keep up the fantastically entertaining work!!! Sending this message with laughter and smiles, from a humble fan in Berlin (Germany)!!!

  145. I fucking loved Sassy back in the day. What if she offers to pay you in kabunnies ? Surely you’d accept then right ?

  146. It’s quite possible she does not understand the awesome deal she is getting. I mean, you totally gave her kerbunnies. She should be thanking you. Way to go, Jane. Underestimating a national treasure.

  147. And also? Pain killers totally take your writing to the next level.

  148. Ok. WAIT. What do you mean the side ponytail isn’t in style?!!? I rock it to work all the time. I don’t want to live in a world where we can’t keep the side ponytail around.

    Your response back to her cracked me up! I think Kabunnies is genius!

  149. Jane Pratt? Holy shit balls. I’ll write for her website for free. Except she probably doesn’t care about trash trucks and poop.

  150. I was once asked to write articles for a Russian porn website – they promised it would be tastefully done, for art. I started negotiations at $3 million rubes, a years supply of weapons grade plutonium, an ice pick, a rocket launcher and a Siberian Tiger. They countered with coupons for – uh- “bleaching” and some used dentures.

  151. Kabunnies! Classic!! I was fortunate enough to find your site in time for the Giant Chicken story (which is frickin amazeballs) and am now hopelessly addicted……

  152. I think I wrote my junior report on wanting to be a sports broadcaster. I’ve now got a blog where I can write about my eight year old getting fouled at the rec dept game. Wow. Amazing how our prophetic our essays were.

  153. kinda jealous you’re able to turn away work… but i love you too much to be jealous for more than 39 seconds. okay, better now. kitbuns would have been my choice.

  155. On the brightside kabunnies will make teriffic test animals so all the makeup, that I probably should wear but my children eat because:
    They are trying to make me go broke, lose it, have an anxiety attack, or punch their toe knuckles.,
    wont cause amoebic dysentery,sasquatch back, or other interesting things that might be entertaining to watch some one else have.

  157. That? Is totally and utterly amazing! Completely too cool.

    And the side ponytail? I so totally rocked it!

  158. You’re clearly clairvoyant. True story: while getting my sleep-deprived husband and I Taco Bell takeout the other night, in between changing diapers and cleaning spittle out of my hair, I saw 3, yes, 3, 15yo girls in the line, ROCKING SIDE PONYTAILS. I felt very old and sad and cried into my martini that night.

  159. You were ahead of your time in 8th grade. Write a story about how you will take over Jane’s job during the zombie apocalypse – with the aid of zombiefied Kabunnies – and it will happen. Jane should be afraid – very afraid.

  160. Rabittens were clearly ahead of its time. My girls would so love one of those little fuckers. The problem is what if they multiplied like rabbits and I’d be over run with cuteness!Jeez, I get so pissy on some days I’d surely end up punching one in the face and all hell would break loose on the internet and I’d be known as the killer of all joy:( NothankyouVERYmuch!
    what was I talking about? Oh yeah, You are fucking awesome and its no wonder Jane wants you. She’s probably scrounging together the $181,000 to hire you to write 2x a year.And why wouldn’t she?Rabittens for everyone.
    (I probably shouldn’t have read this on ambien!)XO

  162. When I grow down (*up* seems so unlikely to happen) I want to be just like you. Until then, I’ll be over here dreaming up animal combinations.

    Also, do you know of a good taxidermist for my petrified cat? His name is Freddie. He’s really more of a front 1/4 of a cat, but that’s all you really need to be a cat. I mean, he has his teeth. And a head. Well, half of one. I was thinking of just shellacking him, but my boyfriend was offended by this suggestion. He considers Freddie our 6th child (my 2 + his 3 + Freddie = Brady Bunch…we needed Freddie to round out the crew). I’ve said too much. I think I need a cocktail.

  164. I seriously just cried from sheer envy. Sassy was the magazine that published my first little poem when I was 15 or so…I felt SO FAMOUS seeing my “anonymous” in print. LOL Oh how I wish I had saved a copy!
    Now I’m off to check out Jane’s new site. It’s probably awesome.

  165. Jane was my middle school idol. You writing for her is a pretty awesome combination. I am so thrilled!

  166. But it seems you are totally more awesome than Jane. Have she invented something better than coining the word Kabunnies? I doubt.

  168. I want a kabunny so badly now that my heart is beating now beating out a rhythm of, “kabunny, kabunny, kabunny, PLEASE!”

    Or something.

  169. So how goes it with the kabunnies because… yep. I want one. Possibly five. Just in case. We do have three dogs, so it may take more than one attempt to make it stick.

  170. I’m not going to read 169 comments to see if I’m the only one who asked this, but … did you write that your daughter enjoys “hot lunches?”

    She’s your DAUGHTER, Jenny.

  171. Make sure she doesn’t try to pay you in kabunnies, because Ferris “Eric Northman” Mewler would probably drain them.
    Then you’d just have a bunch of kabunny corpses all over the house.
    And probably a really fat cat.
    Ew, fat vampire cats are the *worst*.

  173. Can I be more jealous of you right now? I just finished an article on congressional redistricting lines…

  174. Also true story: College English Group Project.
    We had to come up with an idea that would actually be marketable and then present it as a group to the class. The “group” got together and through out ideas. Mine was to produce and market Crisco in wrapped cubes like butter. Of course, I had even mocked up one for the presentation. The group and I got an “A” on the project, BUT, somehow the actual written paper (by me) was “lost” by the instructor! Look next time you’re in the grocery store. No SHIT!

  175. Are you aware that you’re the only person on the face of the planet EARTH that would email someone like that the way you did? And, second, are you aware that this is why I think you’re so awesome. I wish I had half the guts that you do.

    You’re awesome.

  176. There is actually an anime that was fairly popular stateside that featured cat/rabbits called Cabbits. Except they were also living spaceships….. I love Japan!

  177. I just wanted to say that I secretly (well, not secretly since I just told you and, um, anyone who reads this) love you. Not in a creepy, internet stalking way. Although, now that I mention it, I kinda do stalk you over the internet by reading your blog and not posting. Hmm, let’s forget about that for now. I’ll still go with not in a creepy way. You’re just too funny. The kind of funny that I wish I was, but just aren’t.

  178. Lucky.
    I was as Sassy then Jane girl. In fact, I once wrote a letter to the editor (Jane) about being addicted to Diet Coke (see email addy, up and running since 1997.) It was published and I still have my copy of it (somewhere). I ran around telling everyone that I was a published writer!
    I hope you get around to writing for her, not only because you are amazing, brilliant and funny, but because it seems like a natural progression.
    Cheers!
    Amy

  180. I sooo loved Sassy as a girl, it saved me from confomity and boring-ness. Thank You, Jane!! I have a big girl crush on you!

  181. I just came across your blog by way of the chicken post (which is hysterical, btw, and totally something I would do to my husband) and was reading back through a few posts – I just have to say that SHUT UP!! I used to LOVE Sassy as a teen! I actually miss that magazine! Even though I’m a few (yes, few, shut up) years away from being a teen now. I even cut out a bunch of the little comics at the back and pasted them into my senior book. Very cool coma! Congrats!

  182. I love this post but somehow it makes me so emotional then…Anyway, thank you for sharing the story here…

  183. Best. Response. Ever.

    Now, that’s out of the way, I have to be the bearer of bad news. It seems you’ve been “incepted.” We have rabittens in Kentucky, only they’re called cabbits. They’re the stuff of legends, kind of like jackalopes, snipe hunting, and Johnny Depp having ties to our state. The sad news is, people hunt them and hang them over their fireplaces near their 8 ft Sasquatch and deer head that’s dressed in Christmas lights 12 months out of the year. Horrifying, I know. But we’re apparently rednecks. It puts us on a different playing field. Kind of like Tiger.

    Best of luck getting your $181K. I can only imagine the awesomeness you would bring home with that kind of cash.

    http://www.pix4schools.com/static/images/walsallMain/cabbit001.jpg

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