Post-it note Victor left on my computer this morning:
“There’s no ‘I’ in threesome, Jenny. You’ve gotta just forget yourself. Stop being so goddamn selfish.”
It’s gonna be a great day.
PS. I’ve never actually had a threesome, nor do I plan to. That’s why it’s funny. If I was actually getting written “needs improvement” critiques for my shoddy menage-a-trois skills I probably wouldn’t be admitting it here.
Or I’d be writing about it a lot.
One of those.
And, on a blissfully unrelated note, it’s Sunday – which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
- The world’s loudest animal can deafen you with his penis. (OMG, If only I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that.)
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- Own your own desk-sized Beyonce.
- Knock-Knock Motherfucker necklace.
- Please be courteous poster
- Be Nice (the slightly more subtle version)
What you missed on the internets:
- CHICKEN DOWN! PS. Victor has family who live in the town where the giant chicken was assaulted. I find it hard to believe this all just a coincidence.
- I tweeted about something horrific I bought, but I can’t even capture its madness on camera properly. It’s coming though. Promise.
- Stuff I pinned onto my (painfully addictive) pinterest board. “Ponies are for losers” is a particular favorite.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- Writing is a beautiful violence.
- This video makes me #furiouslyhappy. Don’t be afraid to be ridiculous.
- My friend (Chookooloonks) is live-blogging in Africa for the next week. You should be reading it.
- My drunk kitchen – 4th of July edition.
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Hillshire Farm, who I adore for their giant kielbasa. There’s not a joke there. I just really like sausage. You should probably check them out. Also, they probably shouldn’t let me write their ad copy for them.
Can you imagine if men could make loud singing noises with their junk? The world would be a loud place! The saying would no longer be “It’s not the size of the boat… it’s the motion of the ocean.” the saying would be turned into something about trumpets, tubas or the power of the bass…
Basically that bug is rad.
And I really enjoy Victors little moments of love towards you… like threesome post its and your selfishness 😉
I love Victor with you. It’s true.
That’s even better than the post-it from sex and the city. Please frame it.
I think I’m a little bit in love with Victor. Because he sounds just like my fiance. Who once asked me if I’d like to taxidermy my cat after he dies so that he (the fiance, not the cat) could put a silver platter on his head to use a beer holder. It’s true love, y’all.
There’s also no “I” in anal sex…Victor is on to something.
I was prowling Twitter, WAS bored, so I came here. Thanks for the Bloggess reminder. And how’s James Garfield today? (Same as usual, I’ll bet.)
I’m glad Victor is acting more like you. I was beginning to wonder why/how he fell in love with you (who wouldn’t) if he was so stuffy.
So tell him to get the badly taxidermied rat out of his ass and get with the program!
That was a pretty funny little note.
I agree with John B; frame that post-it. I would surprise Victor by hanging it in his office though so he can fondly remember you each moment of the day.
Not only do I love your marital banter (I have my own fun form of Victor), but I also love that you worked the word “douche-canoe” in your post. I first heard that loverly word while reading Regretsy. Now here. My heart is full.
Kielbasa and eggs. Kielbasa and fried potatoes. Kielbasa and mashed potatoes. Kielbasa and PIROGIES!
I’m not happy that your sponsor made me hungry.
There may not be an “i” in threesome.. but there’s surely a “me” and a “he” and a “she”.
And let that be a lesson to you……………… 🙂
I’ve seen pinterest boards here and there, but yours is incredible. A piece of art, the way you put it together. I want that dress, too.
This is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to go scuba diving.
Don’t worry, wherever I go, I always carry earplugs.
Victor sounds like a keeper.
Hillshire Farms also makes the best Italian sausage.
Ah, those sweet love notes. Mine are more boring, usually something about paying bills and cooking.
Love the cock-lace. (necklace + rooster—get it, get it! 🙂
If you ever decide to work on your menage-a-trois skills, you know where to find me.
I saw a giant metal rooster down the road from my house today.
Almost made the fiance stop the car so I could take a picture.
I’m glad you got the revenue and whatnot, but I don’t know that it was an especially wise decision of Hillshire Farms to let you loose with their products and your vocabulary. They should be damn grateful that you only went for the giant kielbasa reference.
can I get the knock knock picture on a coffee mug?
I’m both hungry and creeped out by the loud penis bug…….
Umm, let me rephrase the above post. NOT hungry about the loud penis bug, hungry from all the kielbassa talk… Better now…. 🙂
Too bad the note wasn’t pinned on the mini-Beyoncé, as she is a teaching-tool after all. This morning my husband stupidly directed for me to “dance for him”….while I was packing his suitcase and shoving left-over pizza in my mouth. Because that’s hot. Not.
Suddenly I want sausage … (how is that different from any other day?)
So not down with the sausage sponsor.
Damn you, Pepperidge Farms! I mean, Jimmy Dean! No, wait.. Fuck.
Curse you, Bloggess, for introducing me to the Pinterest site. It’s not enough that my apartment walls are filled with corkboards and pins, but now I’m going to have as many virtual pinboards as my fevered brain can come up with? I hope you can live with the vast amounts of lost productivity you are causing!
PS – Happy Anniversary!
Thanks for the “writing is a beautiful violence” link. Great piece! And isn’t it amazing how much bugs are like people? Did you know the cicada attracts a mate by doing ab crunches? Just like people, except louder. And as if you had any doubt as to whether motherhood or fatherhood is easier, witness the hermaphroditic flatworm who literally penis-fences to determine which unlucky bugger gets inseminated and has to be the mom. But at least we share very little with bed bugs (other than our pillows and mattresses), whose mating ritual ends with the guy puncturing the girl’s abdomen to insert his sperm. She has a vagina, y’all. He just chooses not to use it. I know WAY too much about insect copulation. Thanks for adding one to my arsenal.
Funny you should mention that.
I just found out there’s no “guy” in daisy chain.
There may not be an i in ‘threesome’ but there is one in ‘masturbation,’ which you should probably let Victor know. Vague threats of withholding sex always make a relationship better. Or worse. I can’t remember which, but you should still try it.
Puerto Rico pictures are great!
I’ma skip Pinterest…. got enough time-wasters in my life.
Thanks for writing!
Love your vacation pics, and your vacation dress. I missed the $7 tweet, but I hope to hear more about it soon. Oh, and technically there is an I in threesome – menage à troIs. Duh, Victor.
This is the my favorite giant chicken ever — it is no more, sadly, but has been preserved in the form of an animated gif at this web site: http://www.boston-online.com/neon/000050.html
The restaurant was near where I grew up, and the chicken was widely known as the Flickin’ Chicken. Particularly after it had to be repaired at one point and spent a while “waving” at an especially frantic speed.
Victor is so loving and caring towards you. I mean, who else can you trust to critique your non-existent threesome with such flair?
Every day, I drive by a roadside place that sells yard ornaments. Their cocks are only 2-3 feet tall…but size doesn’t matter, right?
I totally want the Knock-Knock Motherfucker necklace only as a key chain. It’d be the next best thing to actually owning Beyonce. Which I would totally do, except the Big Man is drawing up a prenup as we speak to expressly forbid it. But at least I get to buy all the towels I want now…
Wow, that cosplay fever video was great. Kind of made my heart ache. Also that Jack Kerouac quote on your collection page. About the cosplay, I’ve been considering getting into dressing up for 18th c. reenactment stuff and wouldn’t it be completely fucking awesome if that same kind of video were to be made with reenactors? I think so.
I am so freaking excited about pinterest. I’ve started a Harry Potter board and am just totally geeking out over all the beautiful Potter stuff out there. Thanks for the new addiction! I know that sounds sarcastic, but it was intended to be sincere. Squee!
There’s a giant impaled chicken who wears a top hat at a broasted chicken place near my house I want to introduce Beyonce to. I think they’d make a nice couple. Also, the chicken from there is DELICIOUS and they could serve it, cannibal style, at their wedding reception.
Geezus ain’t I glad Male Humans can sing with their pecker! Husband would be singing constantly! Hearing his voice from his mouth every day is enough already!
Koala’s – they aren’t cute & cuddly, they’d scratch your eyes out given the chance! Just for the record – Quote time.com: “the places where koala bears thrive” – a Koala is NOT a frickin bear! It’s a marsupial! Somone wasn’t doing their homework when they typed up that story!
LMFAO I meant “CAN’T sing with their pecker”
I need more sleep.
This just in, zombies infect obstacle course!
http://runforyourlives.com/
(hmmm…could be good practice for the upcoming zombie apocalypse)
Pinterest=evil+awesome. Addicted already!
Thank you. So much. For the “penis cello” link. My life is complete.
There is no I in Gay porn either…throw that one his way… 😉
pfft 3somes rock
I’m really happy to hear you don’t have shoddy menage a trois skills. I can’t imagine that would be a good thing to learn on a post-it note.
maybe it was a hint as to his anniversary present??
You should totally surprise Victor with a threesome. Just walk in with a large black man (with rolled up socks stuffed down his pants for extra bulge) and say “Honey, I found a 3rd for us! His rap name is Massive.”
THAT’S the kind of love I’m looking for…especially if I can find someone I can scare the poop out of with a giant 6 foot metal chicken. 🙂
I hope I never hear a penis cello above water. I’d like to hear many more orchestral organs in my lifetime, and hearing that particular one would kinda ruin my chances.
A penis cello seems like the most magical instrument to me ever. In fact, I’m going to ebay that shit.
PS: there is most certainly an I in “Ménage à trois” – tell Victor to suck it. 🙂
Maybe that bug that stridulates could hook up with the guys that do the Puppetry of the Penis and acccompnay them on stage while they perform.
Well, I have to say I love ponies, and always will. but not in a threesome. Not ever, not even as a joke.
The “Chicken Down!” article was just too too punny! *love this* and HELLOOOOO bunny sugars! I want some so bad. As for the animal genitalia issue…I’ve actually had this discussion a few times among friends. I know, right? Anyway, we concur that a squirrel rivals even the most impressive bull in the genital size department. Especially if you base it on ratio of balls to body. We think it’s just not so popular because no one wants to claim to be “hung like a squirrel”
Don’t mean to get all creeper on you, but I was born and raised a few miles away from Las Cruces and the defamation of the giant rooster brings great sadness to my heart. He would have made a perfect match for Beyonce.
In other news… actually there is no other news. Forgive my early morning ramblings.
Threesomie. There is now an I in threesome. You’re welcome.
http://strulson.blogspot.com/
Victor is right in saying ‘there is no ‘I’ in threesome’ – but if you position yourself just right, you can sure look like one.
You and Victor kill me. If he’s even partially as hilarious as you are, your daughter will be the new comic Messiah. The female Mel Brooks. Robin Williams but sane, stable and a girl.
BTW, saving up for the “Knock, Knock Mohterfucker” necklace.
http://www.youtube.com/user/YouDeserveADrink
I’m not sure if you’ve already discovered this person, but if not I feel like you should. It just seems very you for some reason.
He will still love you even if you never have a threesome. I’ve been trying for ten years, and I still love Tessa. It’s okay. I’m a good sport about it.
But there is an “I” in menage-a-trois as well as a “me”. Surprisingly there is no “you” or even for those who only speak in text speak “u”.
I must say I think “If I Were God” had the best response.
Chookooloonks’ photos are stunning and moving. Thank you for introducing me to her blog.
Why does zazzle think I’d like a crucifiction statue postage stamp because I looked at your chicken? I think they’re seriously misjudging their audience.
Because of you I have become completely addicted to Pinterest. I blame you and Beyonce and Copernicus, and Victor too just because I don’t want to leave him out.
I was just reading posts from the beginning… he also once left a voicemail that said this exact phrase! He’s not very romantic!
after looking at your pinterest board, i think you’d appreciate the art of susan mrosek. it’s like she’s seen inside my head sometimes.
http://ponderingpool.com/
i enjoy your work, michelle