This is not a real post

in Random Crap
It’s like a flip-book with only 4 pages.

This is not a real post.  It’s just me venting and probably won’t even be spelled right.  Come back tomorrow for a real post.

So today I went to the eye doctor because apparently lasik surgery doesn’t last forever, and I had to get glasses.  Which is fine and beside the point.  The point is that the doctor kept doing all of these tests because apparently one of my eyes isn’t dilating correctly when you shine a light in it, and I could totally tell that she wanted to ask if I was on drugs, because I’m pretty sure that’s what the police do when you’re really high.  So eventually I just said, “I’m totally not high” and she looked at me like I was crazy, because apparently if I was high that would have made both pupils dilate.  Then I started to suspect that maybe I was only halfway high, or maybe that I’d gotten high incorrectly, which totally sounds like something I would do if I was the kind of person who got high.  Which I’m not.

But then that made me question why only one pupil wasn’t responding and the doctor was all, “EYE CANCER.  ALSO, FATAL BRAIN LESIONS.  YOU PROBABLY HAVE BUGS LAYING EGGS IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW.  GET THEE TO A BRAIN SURGEON, STAT”  Or at least that’s what I heard.  Victor said that she said that it was “probably nothing serious” and that I should see a neurologist because I probably have Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s or some sort of cat disease.  She didn’t actually name any of those diseases, but it certainly felt implied.

She also thought it might be related to the fact that one eyelid gets stuck shut a lot, and it makes me look like I’m winking at people.  I’m not winking at you, people.  I’m not coordinated enough to be a winker.

Frankly, I’m not even good at blinking.

Plus, now I have eye cancer.*

*I probably don’t actually have eye cancer and I’m not even sure if you can get cancer in your eyeball.  I’d look it up, but Victor has blocked WebMD from my computer.  Because he doesn’t care about cancer.  And is tired of me waking him up to tell him about all the fatal diseases I have just diagnosed myself with.  Selfish, really.

233 thoughts on “This is not a real post”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. No worries…I always assume it’s cancer (like when I physically couldn’t eat)…it never is.

  2. Don’t despair, and don’t borrow trouble. I have a friend who does just like you, and only hears the really bad disease names, and not all the bit about how unlikely they are to be existent in her. However, she DID have eyelid cancer, so you might want to follow up with an opthamologist to rule out such nonsense.

    How long is poor Ferris Mewler stuck with his mustache holder?

  4. Lasik scares the holy crap out of me.
    If only they could completely knock me out, I might consider letting them slice my EYE open with a LASER.
    But they want me to be awake for it? Hell to the no!

  7. Evrytime i tweet a joke about cancer, somebody replies: Oh my aunt died of cancer, u shudnt joke about serious things cuz u might hurt somebodys feelings. I hope they do that to ur blog just so Im not th only one that happens to. I thnk ur funny tho

  11. This is not good news to me. 1, I too have had lasik surgery, and now I’m worried I’m going to get eye cancer and go blind, and 2, one of my eyelids is always stuck shut when I try to wake up, so now you’re telling me I have Parkinson’s. Thanks for the heads up, Jenny. ‘Preciate it.

  14. Glasses look hot, but a cone around your neck with the glasses would be even hotter!

  15. I have this thing with my eyes…I can see double from about 30 feet away (or half a mile when I am tired (true story). Technically it’s called convergence deficiency or something, but It makes me a freak in my own right. I don’t even HAVE to drink! Hoping it’s not eye cancer or worms!

  17. I am, of course, very worried about your eyes and I hope you’re fine. You’re cat, however, has some evil shit going on with his eyes. They can see into my soul right through the computer screen.

  19. er. this probably won’t help, but… it’s crazy rare, but you can get totally get eye cancer. but i promise, 99.99999% of the time, it’s not a big deal.

  20. You look awesome with glasses. Like me. 🙂

    Also, I think Ferris Mueller looks like he’s plotting something nefarious in the last picture.

  21. I am certain this is merely a side effect of hanging around with Copernicus. A monkey who thinks a hug is an incomplete strangle is probably capable of implanting dire disease thoughts in your brain through a stuck eyelid.

    I’m just sayin’.

  22. If it makes you feel any better, Fred’s left eye dilates really big sometimes, usually after a work out or heavy drinking. !0 years at least and no cancer. Dr’s freak me out too. Sending love.

  23. If it were possible to actually diagnose one’s self to death, I’d have done it years ago. So long ago, you would never have known me because it was before Google. I actually had to drag myself to the library. And use a card catalog. See how lucky you are? Expect for the possible eye cancer or cat feces neurological disorder ( I mention the “feces” only b/c anything you can get from a cat starts in the litterbox).

    Specs are a good look for you, by the way.

  24. Love this “random crap” rant!! Hate to admit it, but I’m laughing at your expense. Thanks for the giggle.

    P.S. Victor isn’t such a bad man, sounds like blocking WebMD was a seriously chivalrous act.

  25. A friend once told me, “Fuck Cancer”. Follow up!! Just to be sure.

    Oh, I’m sorry this is not a real post!

  27. Every time I get a headache, I assume it’s a brain tumor forming. WebMD has confirmed it. The doctors never believe me.

    PS. I’m secretly in love with you… in a (mostly) non lesbian way.

  28. Fact: WebMD is the devil.
    Fact: I would probably assume it’s eye cancer as well.
    Fact: It’s probably not. But I don’t blame you if you go to the nearest coffee shop with a computer and google “eye cancer” out of your husband’s watchful eye.

  29. Jenny! Perhaps you just have an eye with a mind of it’s own. I do. Seriously, my eye doc told me one day I had a higher chance of retinal rupture, because my optic nerves are weird. Lovely. Thanks for that.

    Anywho. Odds are you’ve just got a lazy eye. Not in the sense that it wanders off in one direction, but that it’s decided it’ll dilate *when it gets the hell around to it.*

    In the meantime, much love. And… keep an eye on things, OK?

  30. If you truly have eye cancer, it is clearly a result of viewing too much pornography.

  31. Victor is brilliant. WebMD would only confirm the cancer and imminent death diagnosis, plus tell you that you have erectile dysfunction.

  32. Lasik is awesome and the only thing that hurt me was when they pulled the tape off and removed all of the eyelashes on my left eye (they took forever to grow back so I had a naked eye for two years!). I also once had one eye stay dilated for about 10 hours while the other one returned to normal within minutes after a visit to the ophthalmologist. I looked like a freak and had a huge headache. The other people in my office kept dropping by just to look at my eyes, after which they’d squeal EEEWWW!! and run away. Not especially helpful, but they were accountants and so could be excused.

    Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you’re probably fine so please don’t worry. I recommend buying some ping pong balls to distract you and Ferris from your ailments.

    Love you Jenny!

    Sandra

  33. I started naming my cancer. I have something the doctor has refered to as a “lymph node” which is a nice way of saying “you’re probably dying” or “you have a sore throat” or something. I’ve named it Pritchard.

  34. How many stations does that cat pick up?

    The saddest part of this whole post is finding out you weren’t winking at me. It made everything you said ironic or suggestive.

  38. Wow. I never thought I’d say this about Victor, but he might be the smartest man I don’t technically know. Blocking WebMD from your comp was probably beyond wise. I mean, even people who are the exact opposite from you should ever go that site. No matter what your symptom is, it’ll tell you, you are going to die. Thing is, you’ll end up dying from fright and then technically, WebMD will have been right. (Not unlike the grimace theory in Harry Potter.)

    PS, if randomly bleeding something thick from your happy place at 34 weeks pregnant, don’t Google it even if you are just trying to figure out if it might be your mucus plug or at least related to it. NOT HELPFUL WEBMD! I DIDN’T NOT NEED TO KNOW THE 3 POSSIBLE THINGS IT COULD BE THAT WOULD KILL ME OR THE BABY.

    PS, it was none of the above and was a random fluke. Actually, the third random bleeding fluke I’ve had this pregnancy. I really need to stop even noticing. Though the first two times I was at work, and had no access to the internet, so I was at least safe from being curious on Google.

  41. Ferris still looks miffed. “You think glasses are bad? I’M WEARING A SATELLITE DISH!”

    You can’t see any difference between your eyes in those pics (I know they’re small, but I haven’t seen any big difference in any other pictures of you, either).

  42. You know about proxies right? Unless of course you’re proxy disabled…

  43. Yes, I spent a good amount of time on WebMD recently and am certain I have the Kuru.

    Also, I can’t wink either. People think I’m lying when I tell them, and then they’re like, “TRY REALLY HARD” and I try really hard and I still can’t wink and they laugh and laugh at me.

  44. You should have your adrenal glands checked! When they’re overworked the dialation in your eyes can get messed up.

  47. that’s always my first diagnosis.
    sneezing? nose hair cancer.
    twitching eyes? brain cancer.
    toothache? jaw cancer.

    if it wasn’t for the daiquiri glass around his head, Ferris Mewler could be my cat’s twin. Yours is probably less cranky than mine though.

  48. I suddenly became allergic to the contact solution I’ve been using for years – apparently that sometimes happens and my doctor kept asking me if I drink water, which I felt was unrelated…kind of like the time my lady doctor told me I was probably “just allergic to oestrogen” – how is that even possible?

  50. I love the go asses. Really, I do. Ok, I just caught that autocorrect before posting, but i feel compelled to leave it be, glasses = go asses. Really? My lord.

    Anyway, I am sure you are not dying. I know it. Stay off the interwebs. They are evil. And OMG, that cat is just too friggin cute. Seriously. Cuteness. Poor guy.

  52. I have an eye that stays dilated most of the time and doesn’t respond when you shine a light in it, so I do look half high!!! It’s got a name and it’s rare. Doctors love trying to make it dilate. They shine lights in it at weird times during a visit. I guess they think it’s really not what it is, but I’m controlling it and if they surprised me and shine a light in it when I’m not expecting it, then it will really restrict. One dr. even called people in from the hall to watch my eye not respond. I think I made his day.

  54. Thanks for letting everyone else know you’re not winking at them. 😉

  57. I blame all my problems on some random neuro disorder. Only I do have a random neuro disorder that causes all kinds of lovely stuff. Only cured by tricky and possibly fatal surgery. Chiari malformation. Fun. But good news! Your problem sounds nothing like that. Seriously though the glasses are adorable, ferris mewler is looking sexy as ever and I hope it’s nothing too fatal.

  58. I have one eye that is always more dilated then the other. Its funny because when I go to a new eye doctor they always ask: “do you know one of your eyes are more dilated then the other?” I always respond: “Humm…No eye dr, I did NOT know that. Since I have NEVER been to an eye dr before or they have not ever seen that. Thank you for telling me.” Muttering under breath: “Good lord, if another eye dr tells me that I will POKE THIS EYE OUT!” Then they will all be: “Did you know your eye has been poked out?” So maybe you just have Lesley disease. I’m not so bad really, I enjoy cats and long walks on the beach and I’m slightly crazy and make chocolates. 😀

  59. Oh, I love your glasses! They’re too cute. You and Ferris Mewler make quite the fetching couple. As in, you could start using is cone head thingy to throw wadded up balls of paper in, then he’d fetch them back to you. At least, that’s how I think it works.

  60. I am getting tested for glaucoma on Wednesday. No, I am not 90. I’m pretty sure the doctor is going to tell me I’ll be blind in two months. I hadn’t thought of cancer. Thanks, a lot.

    😉

  62. Loved this post! It is totally something I would have said, and probably did. I have stopped myself from ever looking at WebMD or anything like it. When I wad diagnosed with celiac and then hashimoto’s, I would even look it up, because I know I would be a zombie after I read about the complications. For example…you have a papercut…you will probably die.

    My best friend, as a joke, bought me a book about all diseases and symptoms associated with them. I put it straight in the garbage. If not, they would be wheeling me out of my house in a straight jacket.

  63. Oh don’t worry I have one freaky weird eye too, that I should go and get my eyes retested about.

    I’m not dying, I just have a weird freaky eye that gets tired and has a “oval not round” cornea. I figure it doesn’t like the other eye and wants to be an individual.

  66. Unlikely to be eye cancer – waaay too obvious. More likely to be toenail dementia that is just manifesting in your eye. Bodies are sneaky like that.

  67. okay. have to post. I wish I had victor to bloc webmd! husband who is good for something!!!!
    plus what NOW I have a chicken. only 1 foot tall. Mine wouldn’t let me buy the big one even though it is our anniversary. How can I post a photo? by let me….I mean he wouldn’t pay for the biggest one. AND I see bigger ones everyday!

  69. Spouses can be such selfish asses. Mine told me I can’t move and leave the house to the snake living under my shed. Selfish ass.

  70. I totally thought I had mumps today (what? yes, I got vaccinated when I was a kid, but that was a long time ago) (no, longer than that; really, a long time ago), but I kept googling until I discovered that swelling in your salivary gland is a side effect of this stupid anti-gingivitis mouthwash I’ve been using for a few days! Holy cow; I look like Marlon Brando in The Godfather because of Crest mouthwash????

    But my very first thought was I probably had mouth cancer. Jiminy.

  71. I have a crazy eye too. My eyelid is droopy and according to my neurologist “Eet ees notheeng.” (I might have that accent wrong, she is Chinese). Anyhow, I also had a twitch in my left eye that went on for 6 months. Again the neurologist thought I was crazy. Seriously, I videotaped my eyelid twitching so she could see it. And of course I WebMDd it. It turns out it might have come from stress or too much alcohol. . . who knew?

    Anyhow, I think you are wonderful. I love everything about you (In the same mostly non-lesbian way mentioned above). I have bookmarked your page, bought your cards, shared you with friends and I get excited when there is a new post for me to read. I am a kind of a dork, but when I find something stupid that makes me smile I think about you and being furiously happy. Like when an old lady at the gym is snapping her gum over and over and OVER I envision hitting her in the face with a barbell and then I smile, because the vision has made me furiously happy. Thank you!

  72. You have a great sense of humor, but damn it’s stressful to have questionable medical issues.

    Hope it all turns out to be nothing.

    Wink! 😉

  73. I think all that worrying is what keeps it from being cancer. It’s worked this long, why change?

  74. I think Ferris Mueller gave you some sort of cat disease as retaliation for making him wear the cone.

  76. No worries. I had a fish hook in my left eye. Seriously. My husband and I were steelhead fishing, and I went to net it, and the hook came flying out. The sinker smashed into my cornea, and the hook went into the sclera. My GP Dr, who, until that minute I had no idea was an idiot, said the pressure in my eye was making the retina separate, and I was going to go blind. She sent me to an eye disease specialist-90 miles away-, I was freaking out the entire time. THe eye specialist basically laughed. He said no one can tell any of that without special tools, which my GP did not have. I came out of it just fine. Ok, so the pupil looks funny sometimes, when I get tired. But otherwise, fine.

    So, other than your spastic blinking issue, you are probably totally fine….

    Unless the worms got too far to take out… it happens…. 🙂

  78. You do look awesome in glasses and you didn’t mention the biggest thing or I only skimmed your post. I’m sure whoever did your lasik screwed up and that’s why your eye won’t dialate. Or worse you were high and you didn’t know it. That would suck. At least you are not your own cousin.

  79. Nice specs! You look very studious; Ferris Mewler, not so much. (don’t tell him I said that.) WebMd is the worst, but the internet in general is not so great for us lay-doctors/hypochondriacs. I’ve read about many things I thought I might have like turf toe, milk leg, trench foot, the bends etc. etc. Good luck with your eye cancer!

  81. If you get eyeball cancer I will hunt down God and stab his holy ass. (There, if you get any “don’t joke about cancer” haters, I will take the heat for threatening to kill a fictional character.) I’m totally going to wake up to burning crosses in my yard for this entire comment. Better stock up on marshmallows. xoxo

  82. Maybe the real problem is eye LID cancer. Hence the unintentional winking. I should be an optometrist. You’re welcome. Also, sorry about the cancer.

  83. Hate when the brain tumor sneaks up on you like that. And how dare Victor block WebMD, how will you know what you are dying from if you can’t get to WebMD? Does he expect you to die completely undiagnosed.

    Obviously it is Copernicus starting his curse on you… did you look directly into his eyes…

  84. Victor appears to have become more successful at defending himself, if he has blocked web MD. That man is wily.

  85. For what it’s worth my mom had the crazy-one-eye-dilating thing going on, she went and had MRIs, and all sorts of scary “you may have bad cancer” tests. Turns out it was a symptom of her migraines. Not that those are at all awesome, but they are better than brain cancer: FACT!

  86. You looking awesome in glasses. Tres chic.

    & don’t worry I WebMd’d it for you. You don’t have eye cancer, but now I’m paranoid that I might.
    >_< damn you WebMD.

  87. I hope it’s not cancer. Your husband and my husband have some sort of conspiracy going on. I totally have shin cancer this week or a spider laid eggs under my skin and I can’t even look up how long I have until they hatch and eat me in my sleep. So unfair. I feel your pain.

  88. I love that he blocked WebMD from your computer. I need to do that to my step-mom. The only thing she hasn’t declared upon herself is death. Damnit.

  89. Our catchall excuse is Lyme disease. It works for anything. Weight gain. Sleeplessness. PMS. Strange lumps. Lyme disease. Sorry to hear you’ve been infected.

  90. I don’t know what’s worse…the thought of eye cancer or bugs laying eggs in your head. And if my husband were to realize how much I rely on WebMD he would ban it too.

  91. One of your eyelids gets stuck?

    When I was a kid, my dad (after a long day) would come home and lie on the couch holding his left eyelid shut. I never asked him why (he was confusing enough without any verbal data) but maybe his right eye got shut from time-to-time and he was trying to balance.

    Thanks for giving me a theory that might answer that question that hangs after all these years.

  92. WebMD is for people with no creativity.
    So.
    You don’t need it.
    I think it’s time to make up your own, unique version of cancer you can tell people that you have. And then tell them that your awesomely hot glasses (I should know – I’m a librarian) protect you from its most harmful effects. In general, eyes are dumb.

    On a more serious note…how long ago did you have Lasik? (I’ve been debating getting it done myself but am worried it won’t last long enough).

  93. Yet another reason not to get LASIK. Oh wait! Two reasons! Additional glasses AND Eye cancer or Parkinson’s or Scurvy or something…

  94. I tend to diagnose myself with many things. And I’m sure I am totally right about them. Doctor’s just treat you like guinea pigs anyway. Hope you don’t have eye cancer. And you look hot in those glasses.

  96. I noticed my own freakishly dilated eye syndrome shortly after starting on Paxil in my 20’s. I had to go see a neuro-ophthalmologist at a teaching hospital, and they dragged in at least 4 other people who needed to look at it. It is evidently the result of the Paxil in combination with a freakish eye injury in high school.** I have moved on to other medications, but the situation persists on occasion. I am always freaking people out because when I happen to notice it and am not with people who *already* know about it, I feel compelled to tell them about it and ask that if there is an emergency not to pull the plug right off the bat just because of my eye thing. Um, yeah, I’m great in social situations…can I hang out with you in the bathroom?

    **I am old enough to have worn hard contacts. In high school, one of my friends tossed a rock at another friend–trying to get his attention. I leaned over the table and turned my head at the precise moment necessary to get a rock in the eye. (This may explain more than I previously thought.) It cracked the contact that was in my eye. I suppose I would have been blind if I hadn’t been wearing contacts. Instead, I went with only one contact for months because I was afraid my mother would kill me…and I have this freakishly dilating eye as a souvenir.

  97. I need to know how to block webMD, because wow there’s a lot of fun ways to think you’re dying of, like, deep vein thrombosis or from seeing a Grim or something.
    Maybe Victor should be guest posting a how-to tutorial.

  98. I like you so much but it kills me that you’re a cat person. I’m not sure if it’s my dislike of cats or just my love of dogs. Maybe you can explain how there is room for both but I really don’t get it. They’re like these gumby-like creatures who prefer to be alone. Don’t hate me.

  99. I had to giggle at the very last part, because it is so very me except my husband hasn’t blocked anything on my computer. Yet. I am ALWAYS waking him up in the middle of the night, convinced that I am dying of something or other. He always tells me to take a xanax and go back to sleep.

    He really isn’t very helpful when it comes to my anxiety. At least Sleep Him isn’t. I’m convinced they’re two different people in one body.

  100. I had to click on your link on FB because you said you might be dying. Also had to see your new glasses – nice!
    And don’t worry – my husband would totally block WebMD on my laptop if he could and Dr. Google also.

  101. You probably have Horner’s Syndrome; it accounts for the lazy lid and the dilation problems. Horner’s is caused by something pushing on your optic nerve (which dips down into your chest cavity-don’t ask me why), so they’ll do a chest x-ray to make sure you don’t have any tumors/irregularities. If they can’t find any specific reason for it, they’ll diagnose you with “congenital” Horner’s Syndrome, meaning “we think you were born this way. Just go with it.”

  102. I diagnose myself with cancer sometimes too. My husband finally told me I have stupidity cancer. I told him he has jack-assedness. His level of jack-assedness is directly proportional to the level of PMS I am experiencing that day.

  103. Lasik surgery should TOTALLY last forever. I’d be all up in your doc’s shit about THAT.
    I remember the Nick and Jessica episode where she got her lasik…what a good show…I got married right around that time and I used to tell Sean, hey, we lasted longer than Nick and Jessica, and then when Hugh Hefner and Holly broke up, it was all hey we lasted longer than Hugh and Holly and he was all like who? and I had to give him pop culture lessons for days. Of course, I have been trying to wean myself off People magazine, and when I went there yesterday, I discovered Amy Winehouse had died. I told Sean that bad things happen when I don’t keep up…

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  107. You are so much like me that it’s scary sometimes. Or I guess, I’m so much like you. Either way, good luck with the eye cancer. I’ll be sitting here on webMD making sure I don’t have it as well.

  108. For a second I forgot about Ferris Mewler’s cone, and I thought you piknik’d a bubble around his head and I was pretty damn impressed with your “John Travolta-Bubble Boy” bubble cat. Good luck with your eye, but I’m still going to pretend you are winking at me, like “don’t worry Thelma, everything is going to be okay even if we *are* driving off this cliff.”

  109. You’re still as beautiful as ever! And I’m totally pretty sure you won’t die.
    Well, not today.
    I’ll still love you, cancerous eye and all.

  110. Dear Dr Bloggess:
    When I turn my head to the left and stand on one foot and pick my nose at the same time, I fall over. Why is that? Do I have toe cancer?
    Signed,
    Bruised and Confused

  111. A relative story with background: At age two I had surgery to remove a nerve that was pulling one eye in. As a result, one of my eyes cannot look further to the side than center. Last time I had an eye exam (last August), the doctor called the entire office (not exaggerating) into the room so she could demand that I demonstrate my sideshow eyeball for “learning purposes”. Because I didn’t grow up sensitive over this or anything.
    Then today, as I sat in a dressing room waiting area while my husband tried on pants, I felt a little ‘snap’ on the side of my head, followed a second later by the earpiece of my glasses spontaneously severing from the rest of the glasses and the whole thing dropping off of my face. Wtf?

  112. If you have eye cancer, will you have to put one of those cones on your eye to keep you from scratching it? Or winking? Seems like an anti-wink-no-scratch cone thingy would kinda hurt, and look, uh, unsexy. So it would cancel out a fake wink anyway.

    IMHO.

  113. My God, I love you people. You have totally distracted me from my brain bugs and eye cancer. Thank you!

    Regarding the Lasik, I used to be practically blind (with giant, coke-bottle glasses) and the Lasik helped so much that even now I can drive without glasses. The thing is, lasik sort of resets your eyes to near perfect, but they still degenerate the same way they would with age, so six years after getting lasik my eyesight is slowly deteriorating, but not even close to as bad as it was. Lasik was scary as hell, but totally worth it.

  114. Marcus-Gunn pupils. I haz them, and the (not really fatal) brain lesions too. No biggie, especially not compared to RA.

  115. No worries — it’s probably just Myasthenia Gravis. They can totally fix that with even MORE pills. Win-Win.

  116. You think that is bad? I have “abnormal cupping” – whatever that is. It’s either related to my optic nerves or my breasts- all of which are abnormally large……. Apparently my optic nerves don’t fluctuate with the size of my ass, unlike my breasts.

  117. I had the stuck eyelid thing too until I started doing allergy eyedrop stuff before bed – which I’m sure is only masking the horrible eye cancer, but I’m okay with that. (I can’t afford cancer, body. Suck it up.) But to get to the important part, I agree that you look cute in glasses. X number of strangers on the internet can’t be wrong!

  118. You are just too delightful…even if you have eye cancer and may no longer be able to see your keyboard soon…but I hear they have all kinds of electronic gadgets now, so you’ll probably be able to continue the blog…or you could dictate and someone could type it for you…see, I’m full of ideas…
    …but you don’t have eye cancer. I’m a student nurse so that makes me practically an expert in eye cancer.

  120. So one time I had acute kidney failure, as diagnosed by me/watching house and reading web md .but I secretly think my cat was trying try murder me. after I made my husband promise to use my life insurance to create a fort out of nickels (scrooge mc duck style) we went to the er but they said it was a kidney stone. I’m still not convinced it wasn’t a cat plot.

  121. I hate the whole well “witch” doctorness of “modern” medicine 10+ years of study and they still never have any idea of what is wrong with you or they’re just so terrified of litigation they won’t speculate specifically. “it could be dry eye or a brain tumour” Can you widen the spectrum of possibilities any further please? Anyway I hope her random stabs in the dark were just that and everything’s alright. Because it’s important you’re healthy for Blogher, if for no other reason than me specifically sending a mummy blogger there all the way from Australia, just to give you a snog from me. You wouldn’t want to miss that! (At least an aussie blogger trying to snog you will be a great incentive to stay out of the bathroom)
    Nicole x

  122. New reader and I must say, I feel your pain. Enough bonding, now go have a glass of wine, put your feet up and try to relax. Diagnosing diseases is strenuous business. Once you get a handle on one malady, another pops up. Damn exhausting. Off to feed my screaming donkeys…sometimes a real “inconvience”.

  123. So I had lasik surgery about 3 years ago, and I had to get glasses in March! It’s lame, however I give the docs credit, I was like…totally nonfunctional before the surgery without my glasses/contacts. Now I can at least survive in the wild if a bear eats my glasses. BTW I learned about an interestingly horrible thing that can happen to your eyes:
    Apparently, the Portland, OR water has a problem with amoebas and if you’re wearing contacts when you get in the water, say for instance while taking a shower, the amoebas can get underneath your contacts and BURROW INTO YOUR EYEBALL. In the end you can lose your eyesight and experience some crazy insane pain, but a prescription eye drop will clear that right up.

  124. I have just started reading this blog and I absolutely love it. You make me laugh every time I read your blog.

  126. I haven’t read all the comments, which I am sure are Pulitzer material, but I needed to tell you this. You are right. I was told three years ago that I had dry macular degeneration, and I needed to use some drops, but not to worry because everybody eventually has dry macular degeneration, and not to worry overmuch.

    Overmuch.

    Exccuse me? Overmuch is my touchstone! Sheesh. So now I am going all Dr. Whomever Is Stylish, and telling you that you really should not ignore the spiders when you are trying to go to sleep. And, AARP does nothing about this.

    Lesson learned: I don’t know.

  127. I had lasik 10 years ago and I’m starting to notice my eyes doing weird things. 10 years without glasses or contacts was huge. But I don’t want to wear glasses again. Can you get lasik twice?

    Oh…and a monocle…maybe this one
    http://www.eyeglass.com/mointowle.html
    would have been a good choice. Since it was only the one eye and all.

    AND so far no straight women with prolific sex lives have asked me out. I thought for sure you commenting on my blog would make my dream come true.

  128. now i want to try to get high incorrectly. i don’t know how the hell i would manage that, though. would it be like clinton’s “i didn’t inhale?” am i completely off base here?
    oh, i know.
    i will only inhale *halfway.*
    that should do it, right?
    scuse me, i’m gonna go test this.

  129. I don’t think you have eyeball cancer. I think it’s more likely you have some kind of neurological issue. When something works on one side of your body, but not on the other, it usually (sometimes) has to do with the brain. That’s not really a bad thing, though, because you have a great excuse when people make fun of your bad memory or say you’re weird (I’m not saying people say this to you, but they do this to me). You just tell them your brain is broken and they are making fun of you for your disability and HOW COULD THEY BE SO HORRIBLE? That’s what I do.

  130. My husband has does this thing… whenever he has an ache or pain or even a knot in his back (like this morning) it’s always, without a doubt, cancer. Oh, and the time he had two mosquito bites side by side? That was, apparently, a snake bite. That’s what I live with… a chronic hypochondriac.

    But you totally don’t have eye cancer.

  131. That’s okay. One of my pupils is noticeably larger than the other. My mother noticed it when I was nine months old after I fell and seriously bumped my head. The doctor said I probably was born that way OR that i had a concussion. I’m still here so we’ll go with born that way. Although a concussion would explain SO much.

  132. Instead of worrying about possible eye cancer (which totally exists) go to Zenni optical and buy a bunch of $10 frames so you always have glasses to match your mood. totally worth it, mine rock. Sorry about the cat disease, maybe Ferris Mewler shouldn’t be so close to said eyes..yes?

  133. I think you should get a pair of those glasses with plain glass, so you can rock them even after you get your next Lasik treatment. Too cute!

    And Abby (comment 120), I just have to say this: EWWWWWWW! and ICK!!!! and also MY EYES NOW ITCH, even though I’m in Florida and not wearing contacts.

  134. When Radial Keratotomy was new (and not using lasers, I think), Prairie Home Companion did a segment: “and then doctor says ‘Don’t blink'” 🙂

    Weird thing: in China, some young women wear glasses who DON’T NEED TO, for fashion, or maybe to look smart.

  135. I love the new glasses Jenny! I hope that having them will stave off any eye cancer you might contract (real or fake) and he should totally let you have WebMD back. Imagine all the money he can save by self diagnosis!!!

  136. WebMD. Helping women stay up all night, stressing over lists of symptoms for hours on end. The perfect compliment to insomnia, hypochondria, and motherhood. Some evil genius is rich.

  137. I had the one eye dialated thing at work once. My coworker told me she couldn’t look at me anymore I was freaking her out so bad. I did WebMD, like any good cyberchondriac, and it was a stroke, or aneurism or brain cancer, as I had imagined, so off to Urgent Care I went, in the care of a coworker with a stronger freak tolerance. The doctor asked me if I had put anything in my eyes recently, so I explained that I had borrowed a coworkers rewetting drops for my dry contacts. Said coworker piped up with the IMPORTANT info that those were allergy drops. Dr asked how many I used. “two or three drops in this eye, the one that was bothering me.” then she asked if I read the instructions. Um, no, dumbass, they were freaking eyedrops. How hard can it be? Come to find out, allergy drops arent really supposed to be applied at that kind of rate. The doctor gave me a disapproving look and said “read the directions (idiot)” and booted me out of urgent care.

    So, have you used any eyedrops lately? 🙂 There are ways to find access to WebMD again. You know you want to. 🙂

  138. There is far too little awareness of eye cancer. We should probably organize a race. You know, to raise awareness. A 5K, blindfolded of course.

  142. ohmygosh. my right eye does the SAME thing… people always think I’m winking at them. *sigh* should I get a tattoo on my forehead* saying “I’m NOT winking at you.”?!

    *potentially/permanently awkward

  143. I had to go to hospital when I was 15 for them to check out a lump in my eye, and they spent the entire time telling me it was fine and was ‘just a cyst’ or something and wouldn’t cause a problem. Regardless, I spent the entire time convinced it was probably cancer.
    When I finally got officially discharged, the letter said that I’d been in the ocular oncology department the whole time. They HAD been testing to find out if I had eye cancer! I wasn’t sure whether to be proud that I knew despite them never saying anything, or offended that they weren’t telling me the truth…

  144. WebMD itself should have a built-in blocking mechanism to shut itself down after it counts the number of bizarre and unlikely maladies you’ve searched for in a short period of time. Come on, technology! Save us from ourselves!

  145. Ok, totally random, & not at all having to do with the hypochondriac/eye cancer issue – but in these pictures, you look really similar to Leighton Meester. & I say YOU look similar to HER, despite the fact that you’re older & it therefore seems that it should be the other way around, because I’ve never thought your picture similar to her before.

    It must be the glasses.

  146. I feel like I have a perfectly good idea of what you looked like when you were a little kid, now.
    Which sounds probably 10X creepier than I’d originally intended this comment to be but what’s done is done.
    (PS Despite so many of my friends trying to talk me into joining Pinterest, and me denying them. It took your ONE post on the subject to convince me.)

  147. Dammit! I have written extensively about the dark side of the law of attraction, and how when you are feverishly trying to attract $749 million and someone mentions cancer and you start thinking about that shit instead of the money, you totally attract the fatal disease. So I’ve been trying like hell to avoid thinking about cancer forever and having some success at it until you come along and post a non-post about eye cancer and now my right eye is twitching painfully. Fuck me. This totally sucks. P.S. Victor prolly totally saved your life with that blocking shit.

  148. OMG, I just went to the doctor and they told me the same exact thing about my pupil! Don’t worry about not being able to go to WebMD, that isn’t even one of the possible symptoms! I have to go see an opthamologist and until then I keep showing my husband random things that I think are symptoms of a brain tumor and he thinks are not real symptoms.

  149. I can hear a little bit of hypocondria or schizofrenia the paranoid type 😛

  151. k – first time to your site and if you have something seriously wrong i will feel terrible – but honestly? this is the bestest, funniest thing i’ve read in ages!!! you’ve got me howling… like someone above said, good luck with not getting cancer, and thank you for starting my morning off so brilliantly! vicki 🙂

  152. So glad I saw your fan page in a friends facebook “So and so likes” feed – Yeah, that made sense.
    Anyway, thank you for the morning laugh – needed it!

  153. I don’t want to turn you against your doctor or anything, but I’m wondering if he implanted some kind of tracking device in the cancerous eyeball, which might not be be cancer at all (now that I think about it) but a handy Lojack to help the government determine your whereabouts at any given time. Thus the half-high appearance which isn’t really high but definitely dilated because it’s photographing your surroundings in a way that reports back to your brain (this explains the voices) and Dick Cheney who isn’t even VP anymore but–instead–a mad scientist who gave up on listening in to your phone conversations and went directly to your personal Command Center for information. You’re like a double agent…or maybe just your eyeball’s a double agent (unbeknownst to you until now) communicating like Maxwell Smart’s shoe phone that can only have one-sided conversations with a cranky old bastard robot named Dick who is also kind of a dick himself. This may or may not also make your eyeball a default robot, which could explain the metallic taste in your mouth. Unless you suck on pennies which is not to be confused with smelling toast. If that’s happening, you need to see a doctor about stroke. To review: Robotic camera/GPS eyeball…not cancer. But don’t take my word for it because I got this off of WebMD.

  154. That was happening to me a couple of years ago. I freaked out about it and went to the eye doctor. He said to stop using Visine and use rewetting drops instead. Problem solved! But now that same eye kind of droops. I think it’s time to call that doctor to say – you failed idiot doctor! I’m dying of droopy eye cancer. The Bloggess says so!

    I hope it’s just a nothin.

  156. OK…so you got one pupil larger than the other. The doc’s follow up question should have been…Which of your boobs is larger than the other? You know they’re not the same size. NOW… which of your feet is larger than the other? Next draw a line with a thick, black Sharpie from your larger pupil through your larger boob to your belly button to your largest foot. The line you just drew is your mothership code. Once you’ve drawn your line…go lay nekkid in the backyard next to Beyonce. The mothership run by rabittens will be along shortly to beam you up. I’ve been up there a couple of times. It’s really nice. Free computer access…nothing blocked. All the porn and WebMD you can handle. 😛

  157. Jenny, one of the possible symptoms of a brain tumor is using nasal spray continuously for like FOUR YEARS, so I totally wouldn’t worry about a potential cancer. Unfortunately, I haven’t ever known anyone who had bugs laying eggs in their head, so you may wanna check that one out.

    Hubby has threatened to block your site on my computer because he apparently can’t tell the difference between real crying and dying from hysterical laughter and he thinks I’m seriously losing my shit. Little does he know if he blocks your site, I’ll just spend my “Bloggess Time” talking to him, and he *really* doesn’t want that because I’ll drive him completely off the deep end.

  158. Try not to worry, it’s probably nothing. They always give you the worst case scenarios first. Like, oh…it kind of looks like leprosy. Or maybe dry skin. Get it checked out of course, but don’t sneak off to another computer to check out WebMD or you’ll be packing for the leper colony or think you have rabies. Neither would be a good scenario for you.

  159. I work for an ophthalmologist and went for lasik evaluation. He said I was a PERFECT candidate and in about 10 years I would need glasses to see close up. So… I opted to not have the Lasik. I’m good with contacts. I’d rather have close up vision.
    And yes, you can get cancer in your eyeball.

  160. My dad is a huge chain smoker. Like Philip Morris would’ve turned him down for the Marlboro Man position, because providing him with free product would’ve been a serious business expense.
    So his nemesis while I was growing up was, of course, our family doctor, who was always trying to get him to quit smoking.

    Once when my dad got bronchitis, this was literally what the doctor said:
    1) “Well, you’ve probably got lung cancer.”
    2) “Or it’s pneumonia, in which case you may need to be in the hospital for two weeks or so.”
    3) “Then again, it may just be bronchitis.”
    4) “Huh. Tuberculosis?”
    5) “Let’s just start you out with some antibiotics and see what happens.”

    A week later, the cold was gone.

    Jenny, you were probably just high. Don’t worry!

  161. A good rant about imagined cancer can’t be beat. I like to rant about the debt cieling and then wake my husband up with pretend ways to fix it involving islands and a politician lord of the flies scenario. Good luck at the neurologist. Hope its not serious.

  162. On the plus side, you look v. cute with your new glasses. Not that you will be wearing them long, what with the eye cancer and all.

    Okay, that was mean. And totally joking. No eye cancer. Just Parkinson’s. ::snort::

  163. That’s why I don’t let them dilate my pupils. Also, because I don’t like to wear the flimsy cataract sunglasses.

    I did end up going to the eye doctor because I have a puffy part over the inner corner of my eye. I went to the eye doctor because the ENT I saw said, “Yeah, that’s not a sinus thing,” and then instead of saying it’s no big deal and I shouldn’t worry about it [which is what ALL hypochondriacs want to hear] he suggested I see an eye doctor.

    Who then told me it’s just my old lady eyes losing their elasticity. So that + my trifocals = me being married to the same man 4-ever, because who is going to marry someone with weird old eyes? No one, that’s who.

  164. I’m surprised that I haven’t gotten WebMD blocked on my computer yet! If you still want to look up which fatal diseases you have, try this book…..The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You: A Guide to Self-diagnosis for Hypochondriacs. 🙂

  166. Honestly, it’s very rearely the things we worry about. Which opens up a whole new can of worry….but that involves surprises that are totally beyond our control.

    To conclude: Relax. You are fine.

  167. WebMD is either the greatest or worst invention on the internet.

    I am going with worst. I convince myself I’m dying about once a week.

    On a side note, I once had to go to a neurologist. What he said to me was, “You have a tumor, right here,” while pointing directly between his eyes.

    What I heard was, “You are going to die.”

    Anyway, if you *do* have an eye tumor or something and you need to chat with someone who’s (kind of) been there, seriously, any time. Except 4 am. I’m no good at 4 am.

  168. If you are anything like me, acknowledging your fears in some ways exposes them for what they are, worst case scenarios.. but then you are not me, you are hilarious, and i love your work!

    I made my husband read the chicken adventure, and warned him never to forbid me to buy anything, for some bizarre reason he took Victor’s side, what the heck?

    ~a repressed blogger

  169. Hilarious post! (Even from the perspective of a cancer surgeon, and author of a book on cancer prevention!)

    Fortunately, the odds are greatly against your apparent anisocoria (unequal pupil size) being caused by a brain tumor. That being said, you should have this checked out by an Ophthalmologist, just to be on the safe side.

    Robert A. Wascher, MD, FACS

    Author, “A Cancer Prevention Guide for the Human Race”

  171. I’m relatively new to your little corner of the world and YOU ARE AWESOME!!!…having said that, this post reminds me of my wife and how every time something happens it’s automatically the worst case of anything, like the time she had a dream and she was pregnant and the babies were in her fellobian (?) tubes which then exploded and I had to get her to the hospital on the train from her work because she was at work at the time and I was home? She even asked me to make sure to ask the driver to not make the stops so we could get to hospital faster. I told her if that really happened, I’d probably call an ambulance. Anyway, what i’m trying to say is maybe the bugs who are laying eggs in your brains are in fact the ones who are causing the eye cancer. I’m sure it’s on the internets somewhere. Keep up the good work…

  172. I just laughed so much I cried and peed (ok, just a bit). My husband is now expecting me to forward him the funniest blog post in the world. I was wheezing laughter and my kid asked if I needed my inhaler. I’m not laughing AT you Blogess, but with you as WebMD is my cyberchondriac mecca as well. And the follow on posts, well…I thought I would die. Thank you all for the huge morning boost. Better than coffee or sex. Seriously.

  173. Is it called pupillary light reflex test? It’s more that your eyes are not responding to light at the same time. They should both constrict at the same time, no matter which eye the light is shined in to. A lot of medications can do that, so you might ask your Doctor or look for the side affects of your Arthritis Meds. I’m sure it’s nothing, but if it is you’ll look great in a pirate patch.

  174. Who needs WebMD when there’s the Mayo Clinic online? Victor hasn’t blocked that yet, has he?

    Good luck with the whole pupil-not-dilating-and-getting-stuck-shut thing. I hope it’s not cancer. <3

  175. Clearly Victor doesn’t know he needs to enabling your webochondria. Maybe if he tried it for his own aches and pains he would realize how satisfying it is to diagnose yourself with potentially fatal or debilitating diseases.
    Either way, its his job as your husband to support your potential death bed.
    PS – Ferris needs to lose the collar. Its is so 5 minutes ago. Anyway, that’s what my cats always insisted when I tried to get them to wear one. I was never successful for more than a day.

  178. I assume everything’s cancer — it’s kind of a time saver. My husband has taken to saying to me, “Is it ___________ (brain/breast/liver/skin/bone) cancer, again?” every time I say I don’t feel well. He thinks it’s funny. I think he just wants my life insurance.

  179. OMG, I totally tell my husband all the time I have a brain tumor. Or meningitis.

    So I went to the doctor about three months ago, see I had *thought* I was entering early menopause… Yeah, not so much.

    I come home and he says so, how’d the visit go?
    Me: Not great.
    Him: Brain tumor?
    Me: No, worse.
    Him: What could be worse than a brain tumor?
    Me: I’m pregnant.

    So then I spent the next few weeks before my amnio googling all the horrible things that could go wrong when you get pregnant and you’re old. :O The doctor said that the odds were only like 1 in 75 that something would be wrong and I am like “Really. Because those sound like really BAD odds…”

    I’m not allowed to look at Web MD anymore either

  180. I had an eye twitch and WebMD told me it could be turrets, which I took to mean that while my eye was twitching I could swear all I wanted to. My husband disagreed (the party pooper). It turned out to be stress, which means I got to blame it on my mother-in-law’s visit making me crazy, so that was a win for me.
    Good luck with your possible tumor/cat disease. Even if it comes down to the worst, remember Sandy Duncan had a glass eye and still managed to be Peter Pan and comment on ballroom dancing competitions for PBS.

  181. You see THIS is why i refuse to go to the doctor unless I’m A) oozing or bleeding or B) in extreme pain or C) My husband nags me so nearly to death, I need them to put those electrical paddley thingies on me just to keep me alive for more nagging.

    Keep us posted!

  182. Good luck with the brain…I mean eye cancer…I mean glasses. Had no clue that Lasik wasn’t forever. Now I know what I WON’T be spending my money on.

  185. i had lasik done when i was about 16 or 17 (i can’t remember) and the doctor told me then that i should never need glasses to see far away again. they also told me that if for some reason, my nearsightedness came back, i could go back in for a free touch-up. i haven’t needed any glasses yet (i’m 30 last month), so i think it was a success.

    i also remember the doctor mentioning that i would probably need glasses for reading eventually, as that’s not astigmatism (which is what i had), but an inability of you eye to focus the lens properly because it gets harder as you age.

    i saw it mentioned about having to be awake for the surgery and i was told that if they put you out, your eyes would roll back into your head and they couldn’t do the surgery. regardless, they gave me a valium before i got it done and i was very relaxed for the whole 5 minutes. the worst part of the whole thing was remembering to wear my protective eye gear and to put in eye drops.

  186. Once I went to the eye dr and he was like, WOW. your pupils are abnormally large! Are they always like this? Then he actually went into the hallway, grabbed another dr and said, You have got to see this, you won’t believe how big her pupils are. Then both drs came in and gazed in awe at my apparently giant pupils and one said to the other, You don’t even have to dilate her!
    It was all very awkward and made me feel like an optometrists’ wet dream.

  187. Last time I thought I had cancer, I ended up with cold cream all over my balls and some 20-year-old Indian woman playing “picture pages.” I powered through it just fine.

  188. Aw…I certainly hope it’s not eye cancer. Maybe you caught something from the leprous Monkey?

  190. Maybe you have a slight case of Amblyopia. My left eye will not dilate correctly because of it, I’ve known about it since I was diagnosed at the age of 7. My brain just ignores that eye usually. Nothing is more fun then when my brain does decide to use it for no apparent reason. I did walk around with an eye patch for a few years, like a pirate, trying to correct it. Now I just expect double vision without any drugs from time to time.

  191. Every time my head hurts I’m always thinking “wow, I completely have a brain aneurism, there’s no other explanation available.” I never want to go to a doctor though because if it is a brain anuerysm then if I never get it diagnosed it won’t ever be real and will never kill me. This logic keeps me healthy. It is also my advice to you. Eye cancer doesn’t exist until a doctor tells you so. If you never go to get it checked then you will never die. Ever.

    What’s that? Best advice ever? Your welcome.

  193. I bet it’s nothing serious. I would tell you not to worry but I can tell that, like me you are a worrier & will anyway, xd. You look cute with glasses.

  194. I’m sure it’s nothing , but even if it is eye cancer, you could totally get a glass eye like Peter Falk.

  195. You can in fact get eyeball cancer, I have a friend who had it, she has a patch now – for REALS. He should unblock webMD because what if he has something and you catch it early. Mine gets pissed because I ask him about all of his moles. Boys are dumb, our paranoia is why we live longer.

  196. I just spent the last month convinced that I have lupus. Turns out I have strep but instead of causing a sore throat it got into my joints and is causing excruciating pain. It should go away in a couple months. Meanwhile, I’m just relieved that they actually found something wrong. Usually when I go to the doctor with some weird symptom, they don’t find anything and I worry that they think I have Munchausen’s.

  197. 1) You look awesome with those new sexy glasses!!!! <3 I'm jealous of them really. (the glasses)

    2) Your cat is missing his mustache. And this…disappoints me. :'(

  198. I’m surprised that cat hasn’t stabbed you in your sleep yet. Look at his crazy eyes. He hates the martini glass head.

  199. On the plus side, the bugs in your head are making you write some crazy funny shit, so maaaybe we should keep them in place, eh? 😀

  202. I know this is probably not going to be reassuring but my grandmother had eye cancer and she had the eye removed and had a glass eye and everything. It came back as liver cancer later on and that’s what killed her. I should really ask my mom more about it because she never really told me much about that whole thing with her mom and I was two when she died. But still, don’t worry until there’s something to worry about. You’ll drive yourself nuts.

  203. This is a real post, this is a side effect that I have had with anti-anxiety meds for years now. At first everyone freaked out and thought I had stroked out and no one could tell – thanks family (yes, my husband did once seriously ask a doctor if I was brain damaged). Then they did all of the tests and I was fine. Many a person has wondered if I only ate half of a pot brownie (they obviously did not know me, only eat HALF of a brownie… WHAT???) I still have the one huge pupil and so far so good.

  204. Carmella is right….you now have a great reason to wear an pirate eye patch whenever the mood takes you. Sweeeet.

  205. I’m almost the opposite. I always just assume it is nothing, unless I see copious amounts of blood or someone insists I see a doctor about something.

  206. My husband has Parkinson’s, and I can assure you that while it does come with some rather bizarre symptoms–anosmia? constipation? constant blinking when someone keeps repeatedly flicking your forehead? (did you know that NORMAL people actually accommodate to the flicking and STOP blinking? Who figures this stuff out?)–it is not associated with uneven pupil dilation… or winking… at least I think it isn’t. Now I have some testing to do tonight 🙂 Is it Lupus? It’s probably Lupus.

  209. Relax…
    It’s probably the same problem I have. My tears don’t hold together long enough to lubricate my eyes. When I sleep my eyelid sticks to my cornea, so when I open my eyes it tears off a few cells and causes that eye to dilate (eeewwww….I know). There would usually be difference all day. I was convinced I had a brain tumor or something. My doctor was mystified. An Optometrist figured it out. The solution? Take fish oil capsules. It improved the quality of my tears. (Although the highest quality tears still come from children. I have lots of children’s tears in old mayonnaise jars if you’re interested.)

  210. You can get eye cancer. It’s called retinoblastoma and they treat it by implanting irradiated rods into your eye. But I doubt you have that because the tumors show up as big white bars in you eyes when someone takes a picture of you with a flash. See? Now you don’t need webmd.

  211. I am banned from webmd by my doctor and husband. I also recently noticed ugly huge eyelash TUMORS all over my lids. No not stys because I sat around with teabags on my eyes for daysm and they did not go away… my doctor confirmed they were HUGE EYE PUSS CYSTS OF DOOM. She ordered me to buy “eyelash shampoo”. Basically there is no “eyelash shampoo” (she lied). It’s “eyelid wipes”. No it will not cure my FREAKING HUGE EYELASH TUMORS (those need work in the future though she said to me “I mean do you really think anyone notices them?”). It was her way of saying to me “You are so fat, no one is going to even notice the huge puss filled eyelash tumors”. Really…just give me a robot that is programmed with webmd and free run of a pharmacy…

  212. Dear Lord!!! Everybody needs to chill out! I’ve been in the optical field for 20 years!!! You’re going to be just fine!!! Post lasik glasses aren’t that uncommon… especially if you’re in your early-mid forties. (which you don’t appear to be, by the way) But it’s still not that uncommon. The eyes (and the muscles within them… yes, there are muscles in there) are ever-changing just like the rest of our bodies. All of this cancer talk is a bit ridiculous. (not to downplay those who DO have cancer, but it’s really rare) Calm down… everything’s going to be okay!! If you have any questions, please just ask!! 🙂

  213. glad you don’t have eye cancer…or bugs in your brain…or whatever. ps: you’re cute. 🙂

  215. Well I am relieved you don’t have eye cancer. You probably don’t have any of the other diseases either. Just a hunch.

    So, Victor? It was probably good he blocked you from WebMD. Just saying.

  217. long time lurker, 1st time poster…

    i also had lasik over 10 years ago. 5 years ago, one of my eyes went blurry & wouldn’t dilate. went to the opthamologist who diagnosed me w/iritis, gave me drops & immediately sent me to a rheumatologist because he suspected the iritis was cause by something larger. turns out i have sarcoidosis which, in my case, presents pretty much like rheumatoid arthritis. seeing as how you’ve already been diagnosed w/ r.a. you might want to consider asking your doc about sarcoidosis since it often goes undiagnosed (or misdiagnosed).

  218. Jesus Christ, you are cute in those glasses, Ms. Bloggess. *ahem*
    Sorry this is late but:
    I have this problem too, where one of my eyes does not dilate as quickly as the other. It’s weird, when I walk into a They made me get an MRI to rule out MS. And once they did that, they went *shrug.* Fine.

  219. I have what they call “Adie’s Tonic Pupil”. I have one pupil that is larger than the other and they are both sluggish to respond to light. Looks weird more than anything else, but most folks don’t notice unless I tell them. An accompanying symptom is no reflexes in your knees when the doc bangs on them with that hammer thing. Weirdest thing ever, but yeah, my first thought was, “Um, why are you not doing a head CT? I must be dying!” Evidently I’m just quirky.

  220. I’m totally sure you can get cancer of the eye…. but just be thankful you don’t have stigmata of the eye.. and if you have NO clue what I’m talking about.. youtube “eye stigmata” or “foamy the squirrel” and find the vid for eye stigmata then be prepared to laugh until you pee… it’s a good thing.

  221. You hardly need WEbMD with your loyal followers here. We can happily suggest worse alternatives. Go ahead try it. Post about your symptoms and we will generate a list of options for you. Heck you even get realy Doctors weighing in!

    PS. Is it difficult for FM to sit on your head with his cone, I mean is there an air speed issue?

  222. You mentioned that you have one eyelid that gets stuck. If that is the eye that has a smaller pupil, you likely have what is referred to as Horner’s syndrome. This causes constriction of the pupil (miosis) on the same side as the drooping eyelid (called ptosis). That might make it look like the other pupil is dilated. CHeck out the picture on wikipedia. It can be caused by many things, some dangerous, some not (i.e. headaches). Just visit your friendly neighborhood Neurologist and see what is what. If you have never visited a Neurologist before, you are in for a treat. They are a strange breed. Helpful, but strange.

  223. You look great with eyeglasses! I agree don’t be despair, and don’t borrow trouble. Stop worrying and enjoy life to the fullest! 🙂

  224. i had the same thing happen to me! they scared me into thinking i has MS and had to have multiple cat scans but then they let me in on a some shit called an ades pupil? apparently no one knows what causes it and its totes not a big deal. it may even just heal itself one day.

  225. Hey,
    I have adies pupil ( happens only once in awhile now). It came along after getting Lyme disease then acute epstein barr virus. It makes one pupil go larger than the other. Its totally messed up. It scarred the piss out of my husband the first time he saw it cause he always tells me I am not gonna die, looks at me and confirms its nothing. He is also the jerk (and a nurse) that told me I was depressed when I really had Lyme Disease so I deserved the sympathy he gave me 🙂
    Get it checked by a “real” eye dr. to make sure no tumors r behind the eye and you will be fine. I notice mine gets bigger when I get over-stressed.

  226. You need to draw a big olive on your cat’s cone collar! Then you’ll have a cat martini! :^D

  228. My friend and I were JUST discussing last week how we probably have hair cancer and how our husbands have also both blocked WebMD on our computers. We feel your pain. Except, in the hair, not the eyes.

  229. I love this blog and would be devastated for you if you had eye cancer – or any other kind of cancer. I could not live in a world that did not include new posts to put a smile on this chubby face!

  230. No wonder Ferris Mewler ‘looks’ pissed, you get glasses then make him wear a collar. What’s next an ‘alien’ movie ? Probably starring Beyonce and not him.
    Lazy eye, which one ? Maybe all you needed was a monocle. Or put an eye patch over the ‘good’ eye and wake the ‘balls up’ one, maybe it’s not quite dead yet. You could poke it with a stick, works for me.
    The glasses do make you look younger, sexdecillion and one heck of a lot smarter, too.

  231. I didn’t read all the other responses, because I’m too damn lazy, but check out Ocular Melanosis. My 19 month old nephew has it.

    If it’s not that, then I vote for bugs in your brain.

  232. How’s the eyeball, yo? I’m slightly concerned about your safety and wellbeing, though I’m sure if you really had eyeball cancer or something the whole of the internet would know it by now.

    But still, I worry.

    Because that’s what. I. do.

  233. I need to know what all those cute little books in the background are. Did you buy them because they look so good on a shelf, or are they to actually read?

    (Good to read. The little ones are classics I found at estate sales. Faust, Kim, Vanity Fair. ~ Jenny)

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