This morning I wrote a stinging, furious diatribe about the “Milk will cure your irrational PMS” campaign” (aka “Have a glass of milk, you crazy bitch“) but when I showed it to Victor he was all “Why are you so mad at milk? Oh, is it that time of the month again?” Then I said, “Your facetiousness is not adding to the conversation” except it came out more like “Imply that my righteous and justified milk fury is PMS and I will punch you in the junk while you sleep. I will smash that lamp and I WILL GUT YOU WITH IT.”
In retrospect, Victor might have a point.*
*About me being irrationally angry at milk, that is. Not about how giving your wife milk stops her from being bitchy. That’s just a bunch of crazy bullshit.**
**Unless you’re using the opaqueness of milk to disguise all the sedatives you mixed into it. That could work. Or it could kill your wife. One of those things.
PS. Victor just pointed out that the saddest part of this whole discussion is that I’m severely lactose intolerant and can’t even drink milk. That poor man is totally fucked.
And, on a blissfully non-milk-related note, it’s Sunday – which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up:
What you missed on my Ill-Advised column:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- “A hug is a strangle you haven’t finished yet” t-shirt. (Filed under clothes to make people keep their distance.)
- Homicidal monkey cards – version 1
- Homicidal monkey cards – version 2
- Homicidal monkey cards – version 3
- Own your own desk-sized Beyonce.
- Knock-Knock Motherfucker keychain
What you missed on the internets:
- Beyonce (the giant metal chicken) now has her own facebook page. Every photo on it renews my faith in humanity.
- My cat made Gamma Squad before I did. There’ll be no living with him now.
- Stuff I pinned onto my (painfully addictive) pinterest board.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- “Well, this is awkward.”
- I laughed. Stop judging me.
- The pursuit of happiness is a right for all.
- Universal birth assessment tool for dads.
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Hillshire Farm, who once invited me to create my own sandwich creation which was judged by the host of Top Chef. It ended badly. But the Hillshire Farm people were awesome. You should check them out.