Why yes, actually, I do turn everything to shit.

in Random Crap

I’m a little addicted to pinterest, but I find myself even more addicted to taking the sweet posters that are pinned there and horribly fucking with them.  It probably says something very unflattering about my personality.

Case in point, the very first poster I found on pinterest.  And the two others I made to go with it.

I have a problem.  I realize that.

 

(The first poster was unsourced.  If you know who made it let me know and I'll credit them.)

Ps. I’m still in Alaska and spent the day watching whales. Then I was attacked by a bear on a cruiseship. I’d write more but I keep losing my internet connection. Probably from all the blood on this laptop.

More soon…probably.

162 thoughts on “Why yes, actually, I do turn everything to shit.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. more blood on the laptop, or posts?
    Also, i have relatives in Alaska, its really nice, try out the Alaska sea life center, they have a bunch of awesome exhibits. heres the link http://www.alaskasealife.org/New/visitors/index.php?page=firstpage.php to the website, can’t remember where it was though, it was a long drive from anchorage.

    And yes, i actually have been there, there is also the saturday sunday sale in anchorage.
    http://www.virtualtourist.com/travel/North_America/United_States_of_America/Alaska/Anchorage-737634/Things_To_Do-Anchorage-Saturday_Market-BR-1.html
    you can even get reindeer hotdogs!

  3. Why would you let a bear attack you on a cruise ship? I mean, if you stumbled upon it in the bathroom, I could understand. Bears are very territorial, and we all know bathrooms are like honey to bears… Okay I think I got off my point. Anyway, pro tip: don’t let bears attack you on a cruise ship. There’s plenty of time for that in Alaska. Booze+bleeding=bad.

  4. Wait… Maybe we need to hear the whole story. Were you attacked by a bear on your own cruise ship, or were you attacked by a rival cruise ship captained by a bear? Because, I could totally see how that wasn’t your fault.

  6. I remember once seeing this cute little poster that had a picture of a flower with the text, “If friends were flowers, I’d pick you.” I immediately thought, “But you KILL flowers when you pick them!”‘

    I definitely like the way you think. 🙂

  7. Probably best to stay in Alaska for a while. Texas is in the grip of a heat wave and the economy has collapsed. Also Lisa Galaviz lost her mind for a bit during some sort of existential crisis about the universe or something. Whoremonger is offering her support.

  10. I think I would like a set to hang in my bedroom. nothing says romanace like a little verbal slap.

    also, how many times have people told you, don’t steal the baby bear from the mama bear. I know you like to collect interesting animals and all, but jeez. maybe copernicus needs to step in and *hug* someone.

  12. Not so much to The Bloggess, but wonderful and mysterious craig@09thehippy…. what? Now I have to google supportive whoremonger and that’s not exactly going to fancy up my internet history. Plus I probably won’t find it at all. Why do you not have links to something?

  14. I can’t wait to find out how the bear ends up being the center of a disagreement with Victor…

  15. Hoping you vanquish the bear and that there’s a shipboard taxidermist around — like Doc, except with sawdust. What an addition to your collection a bear would be.

  16. @ LadyV
    Hahaha. Sorry to mess with your internet history. You know that is how Santa checks to see if you have been naughty or nice. You can find both @Lgalaviz and @Whoremongers on twitter. And probably Santa. He is very 2.0 that way.

  19. And be careful of the “attack moose” which are well known in Alaska. Once they smell the blood from the bear attack…..well, it’s only a matter of time.

  22. I wanted to take the poster with the runner saying “you will regret eating that cookie you will not regret running that mile” and photoshop some zombies in the background. I think that would really send a better message home.

  23. Love the poster series. I’d like to order them for my husband’s office. He is a Certified Financial Planner. I’m his alcoholic trophy wife with fake boobs.

    Not all of that is true, but it makes it sound a lot more interesting, doesn’t it?

    And aren’t you glad it wasn’t a chupacabra? I bet they carry germs. And rabies. Good thing it was only a bear.

  24. Love the poster series. I’d like to order them for my husband’s office. He is a Certified Financial Planner. I’m his alcoholic trophy wife with fake boobs.

    Not all of that is true, but it makes it sound a lot more interesting, doesn’t it?

    And aren’t you glad it wasn’t a chupacabra? I bet they carry germs. And rabies. Good thing it was only a bear.

    PS – Yes. I entered this twice. Because I didn’t type in my own blog address correctly. And now I bet you know which part of my story above is correct. . .

  30. I also have a Pinterest addiction AND may need to buy those prints you just made.

    Also, tell Sarah Palin hi.

    Kidding. I hate her.

  31. Not even three years ago, I launched a major campaign to keep bears off of cruise ships. Not just because they smell like shit (literally) but because they’re always up late, partying, making noise, and being generally destructive.

  35. My cousin is actually on a cruise ship in Alaska right now…and is is a big as a fucking bear. If he attacked you, I apologize, but damn you better abandon ship when his wife finds out.

  36. It always makes me intensely happy to see other people as annoyed as I am at cheesy overly sentimental quotes/posters/tweets.

    I think I’ve unfollowed about 100 people because or their incessant posting about how amazing life is and how happy they are to have air and birds and jesus.

    I keep a list of their names so I can backhand them one day and then see if they still tweet about how amazing it is to connect with people.

  37. Oh – such a novice. You didn’t pack that spray to repel bears. It’s in the same aisle as the one for mosquitos. Or you could wear a Sarah Palin mask. They are terrified of her up there.

  40. Went to Alaska last summer…saw lots of bears and whales…but what REALLY scared me were the moose…er mooses….moosi??? Whatever you call them, I just remember they were WAY bigger than I had originally anticipated. Like Clydesdale horses on stilts. And they got a kick out of playing chicken in downhill traffic on the mountainside. BEWARE THE MOOSI!!

  42. SURVIVAL TIP:

    Throw peanuts and milk at the bear when he attacks – you never know if he’s allergic or lactose intolerant.

  43. You are the ointment to my breakout, the toilet to my projectile vomit and the Glade spray to my flatulence.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

  47. I need this in my living room!!! My best friend is lactose intolerant and allergic to peanuts. She would love it!

  48. That sounds like something I would do. I respect your irreverence. Also, I hope you that the first poster isn’t super-copywrited, because that would make an awesome tri-fold card. For like, a bar mitzvah or something.

    Are peanuts kosher?

  50. Blood on the laptop? I don’t think taking the battery out and then setting the laptop deep into a bowl of rice is the best solution here. Are there vampires on that ship?

  52. Glad you’re still away from all the unrelenting heat in these parts. Out son in Austin says “It’s hot as balls..” Not really sure what that means, but I think he’s right; and according to what I just heard there’s no rain predicted for any of us til October.

  53. Man, I hate it when I am on a cruise ship and a bear attacks. That is the kind of crap that can really ruin your day.

  58. Yeah. The inspirational word image things that take over my pin wall make me gag at times. Also, some of them I really like. But I refuse to give into the quote boards and get one of my own! Hard-headed 4 eva.

  61. How on earth did you go on a cruise without Copernicus? I am sure one look at him and a bear would have been afraid of whatever makes his face do that…

    He could have been the life saving life taking leprosy monkey after that. It would have added to his awesomeness !

  62. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the bears. My daughters and I are going school shopping this week so of course I’ll be packing on that trip. Because, you know; all the bears roaming the malls. Most of them are fine if they’ve had their coffee but there’s always a rogue. Or two…

  63. Bears mauling are increasing on cruise ships every year and yet the failed Obama administration is doing NOTHING about the ursine problem!

  64. I have a terrible addiction to Pinterest. I may go to rehab soon.

    I am insanely jealous of you being in cool weather. At 8:45 this morning it was 95 degrees and 100% humidity. Gotta love southeast texas

  71. I’m pinning you shit, so you don’t have to break pinterest etiquette and pin your own shit. Also, I’m just pinning it because it’s made of awesome.

    You’re welcome.

  72. No, not a sickness.

    Some folks just need the maudlin sentimentality beat out of them with a hammer of sarcasm.

    Or a cruiseship mangling bear.

    Whatever is most convenient.

  76. Oh awesome. I recently jumped on the pinterest bandwagon but i haven’t been able to figure out what the hell to do with it.

    Now I know.

  77. Oh. Em. Gee. I hope the bear survived the ass-kicking that Copernicus rained down on its ass! Unless you’re talking about a big, hairy gay guy, then I hope he’s your new Best! Friend! Ever! Or, at least, your best cruise friend. Because no cruise is complete without a big, hairy gay guy to watch the crappy Vegas wanna-be shows with.

  78. I hope by more soon… you meant signs. That’s funny. LOLOLZ I am completely and utterly addicted to Pinterest. It makes me want to get up in the morning.

  80. Pinterest is my new crack which replaced my old crack, Facebook. Which replaced my old old crack, yahoo chat rooms. Which replaced my old old old crack, crack.

  81. Where was his boyfriend? Just sayin. I would hate for you to get in the middle of a spat between a man and his bear. Plus, hello, I don’t know any bears on the fence. What was he doing nibbling on you? You have too many outtie-parts.

  83. Pinterest is a dangerous place. Possibly more dangerous than facebook, because you can never run out of new stuff to search for.

  84. Really hoping you survive your cruise, but if you don’t, I’d bet that your blog from the grave would be just as good if not better.

    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

  87. I’m pretty sure the only reason for posting something creative online, is so that others are open and free to mock it.

  88. God Damn I knew I was using that Pinterest website all wrong. I wanted to “PIN” a picture of an elephant pooping the other day but couldn’t decide what category to put it under. Sigh. Life’s little details.

  89. If you are going through Seattle on your way back to Texas, can I buy you a drink? A co-worker introduced me to your blog and it’s not my favorite obsession!

    I sent the post about Beyonce to my boyfriend who proceeded to send it to his entire office. His co-worker bought her own lifesized Beyonce and took a picture to pass around. It’s now my screen saver 🙂

  90. Hey, have to tell you: you were the kindest, most genuine person to everyone that waited in line to meet you at The People’s Party.

    I can’t imagine what that feels like: to see person after person just waiting for two seconds with you.

    And you never lost your sparkle with every one. They’d wait, and you’d treat them like they were the first one you met.

    I have no words for you, you’re so genuine: that it brings a lump to my throat.

    You are something.

  91. If you happened to be disembarking out of Seattle on your return…AND you feel the need to get away from the family for an hour or two after being cooped up with them in crowded boat/tiny room, my gal friends and I would love to host you to drinks – you can be assured of lots of fawning (and free wine) – we are big fans of your blog.

  92. OMG you’re HILARIOUS!! I totally happened upon you by accident and now I can’t get enough of your blog; thanks for turning a horribly boring day of lease review (yawn) into a laugh fest…

  94. Yeah! A new hobby for me! I don’t have to wait for a friend to slip up and post crap like that on facebook so that I’ll have something to make fun of.

  95. Oops, got modded.

    Holy hell, bears on a cruise!?!

    It’s like the Alaskan version of Snakes on a Plane, but with more teeth. And claws. And legs. If only Sarah Palin was spotted it’d be perfect.

  96. See! This is what you get for leaving Beyonce at home! He would have protected you from that bear.
    Hmm if the bear got to you, Victor wasn’t much of a human shield was he??

  98. This is exactly why they shouldn’t let bears on cruise ships in the first place. But nobody ever listens to me.

  99. UGH. Instead of messing with people’s posters, I always have snarky remarks in my head, usually revolving around your mom, your face, and last night.

    Example conference call:
    client: I really love the way you did this!
    internal monologue: Your mom really loved the way I did this. LAST NIGHT!

    Boss: I don’t like how this looks, (pointing at my monitor)
    internal monologue: I don’t like the way YOUR FACE LOOKS.

    *sigh*

  102. I can always count on a good snort when I visit you! Thanks. For the snort. The legal kind, that is. (Have a great trip!)

  104. Get a damp washcloth and scrub away the blood – you have to soldier on and report on the Great North Wilderness.

    -from Seattle, the Great Northwest Wilderness

  105. Was Canada prepared for you to arrive…because after all…I am a Canadian and I would totally pee myself if you dropped in for high tea…just saying!

  106. My friend owns a hunting and fishing business in Juneau. I’m sure he could help you with the bear. Our minds are one with the signs. I <3 you.

  107. I’m waiting for the sarah palin pun before opening my mouth… it’s coming, we both know it, the bears are just to throw us off

  108. YAY for whale watching but boo for being bear bait. Hope you survive this trip and come back with great stories!

  111. I can spend hours on Pinterest and I have you to blame – I followed one of your links there and now instead of writing a post I end up just searching through all the beautiful images – there seems to be a run of zombie ones lately which you’d appreciate. Hope the bear didn’t eat one of your hands, not sure what I’d do if you couldn’t type…. (seriously have fun in Alaska ! we’ll live if you take a break….maybe)

    Nicole x

  112. Is that bear blood or your blood? Somehow I can’t picture a woman as prepared for the zombie apocalypse as you being caught off guard by a silly bear.

  113. I LOVE Alaska. Alaska is the humpback to my whales. The panning to my gold. The husky to my dog. The melting to my glaciar. The global to my warming. The Holland to my America.

    Shall I go on?

  114. I’m horribly addicted to Pinterest. Horrible.
    But, must say I am nowhere near as clever with those silly posters. I just usually read them, gag, and move on.
    (you’ve inspired me to do more 😉

  115. Yeah – when everything you touch turns to crap, that’s called the “Anti-Midas touch.”

  118. I’m betting the bear is now a rug on your cabin floor. Problem solved. Until his relatives show up.

    Poster perfect – that triptych should be sold everywhere. Hallmark is calling you right now – unless they’ve already ripped you off. Again.

    Watch out for the buffets on the cruise ship. They’re statistically deadlier than the bears.

  119. Glad you are meeting the whales and bears. Just so you know, the bears on cruise ships are paid actors, that’s not the way real bears live in Alaska. If you are in the Juneau area, you should know that it doesn’t always rain here and its quite beautiful when the sun shines. But I guess you get enough sunshine at home, so soak up some rain and enjoy! And yes, we laugh at tourists who wear transparent ponchos and rain scarves. If you happen to raft down the Mendenhall River, wave at the gray house on the bend with three pugs barking at you.

    Oh, and thanks for the Pinterest addicition. I’m unable to stop myself!

    Rhonda

  120. Whenever I hear about bears and Alaska, I think about having a sess on top of a bear made in to a rug. In central florida, in 103 degree weather, that’s what we fantasize about. Cold weather hook ups.

  121. You really had no other choice than to go the route you did with that first picture. The Peanut to my Butter? Milk to my cookie? One can only be cruel or obscene with drivel like that.

    I don’t get Pinterest. It stresses me out and makes me very nervous.

  122. well thank goodness you are a fan of bathrooms, because bears don’t need toilets so you’ll probably be safe in there…

  123. A) I am too lazy to read all the other comments, so if someone else already said this….forgive me

    B) When you said “Bear”….I didn’t think large territorial animal, I thought “large hairy gay man”

    C) My best friend is gay so don’t be hatin’ on me …..

  124. My facebook status a few weeks ago was, ” You know what would be scary as shit? Being chased in knee-high snow by a polar bear.” If you are still alive to write of this occurrence, I am assuming you won the battle. I wonder which tactics you used to defeat the polar bear.

  125. Pinterest like everything else on the internets is a black hole but such a lovely, entertaining, beautiful and funny black hole. I really need to get back to work….oh pin that…!

  126. My friend Jon wrote a great book about a bear eating people on a cruise ship. It would make the best movie. I think you should read it. I know this is an internet plug but I hope you take it in the spirit of bears eating people on a cruise ship way that I meant. His book is called The Inside Passage. You can get it on Amazon.

  131. OK, so go to pinterest and check out the “I’m The Shit” thing with the dad and the kid. And thanks, kim for making me spend 5 minutes looking at pinterest “Shit” shit.

  134. I just saw some folks on an Alaskan cruise on TV. They made part of a glacier fall into the sea and then taped it. I think they were using metal chicken to chip away at the ice. Are you behind this?

  136. You see what they put up, and then you come back with something better.
    So you’re what they call in boxing ‘a counterpuncher’.
    Who’s maybe a little punch-drunk. Maybe on a counter?
    A counter-punch-drunk?

    Will nobody stop me already!?

  137. I just stumbled (not drunk – I wish but seems it’s a little too early in the day…plus I’m at work) just a link from a link to another link and there you were.

    There apparently seems to be A.LOT. of us that think alike! I loved your James the Warthog story(I think i peed a little while laughing)….maybe you would like my Marcus Van Chipensburg story?

    http://www.therevolvingdiet.com/marcus-von-chipensburg/
    OR…..the groundhogs…..
    http://www.therevolvingdiet.com/2011/08/good-morning-bunny.html
    OR….even my site….I blog about dieting (the good, the bad and yes the going off it too!)

    Will make your blog a regular!
    Enjoy Alaska!

  138. I TOTALLY read that as ” I spent the day catching whales…”

    In all honesty, I wasn’t a bit surprised. Then I realized that you were merely watching them. I was a little saddened by how mundane your day was. But at least you were attacked by a bear, so there’s that.

    By bear, you mean a big fuzzy gay guy, right? Because once again, that’s how *I* read that.

  139. So, I’m on bedrest and your blog has been the reason the time is flying by. I’ve read 27 pages of your blog and you make me laugh so hard! Thanks for being so awesome! And making bedrest not boring at all!

  140. Your posters pretty much sum up my life. Thank you!

    And it’s not unflattering, it’s being an individual, which is a rarity in this modern world. Ain’t nothing wrong with a little crazy. Right? >.>

  144. If you could see yourself, just for a day, you’d see how everyone else sees you. And my god, you are fucking beautiful.

  148. Not to tell you how to run your blog or anything, but wouldn’t it be funnier if the 2nd poster said, “But *I’m* lactose intolerant. And deathly allergic to peanuts.”. Then the third one could say, “THANK YOU”. Now that the OCD in me rewrote your blog, the socially anxious part of me APOLOGIZES PROFUSELY.

  152. Awww that was ridiculous and freaky to know that you have attacked by a bear,i am curious to know that ARE YOU ALL RIGHT NOW??….That blood thing was really not good.Any ways i liked those posters,really meaningful and touchy.Thanks for sharing them.

    Good Luck and God Bless!!

    With Regards!
    Samuel Joshua.

  155. I want someone to make a sign that reads:

    “All because Adam and Eve did the nasty.”

  157. You’re so hilarious.. LOL! I can’t stop myself from laughing .. I love the poster! Wish you got some funny photos.. I’m interested in knowing the full story about the bear attack.. Have a entertaining trip to Alaska..

  158. You’re so hilarious.. LOL! I can’t stop myself from laughing .. I love the poster! Wish you got some funny photos.. I’m interested in knowing the full story about the bear attack.. Have a entertaining trip to Alaska..

  161. I can see those hanging as a triptych in my living room. Or maybe a nice gift for that friend who thinks she’s better than me. Either way, awesome.

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