I’m home! And alive! Mostly.
I have many stories to share, but I’m far to high to write them now because my last night in Alaska I had such an terrific rheumatoid arthritis attack that I was fairly sure I was going to die. At around midnight the cruise ship med staff wheeled me to the ship doctor, who pumped me full of so many things that they had to use the veins in both arms and my hands, and now I look like a heroin addict who doesn’t even know how to do heroin properly. After the first dose of drugs I started to feel less screamy and more woozy, and I thought I was passing out but it turns out that they’d neglected to lock the wheelchair I was in, and so when a large wave made the ship go sideways my wheelchair took off on it’s own and I screamed down the hall and crashed into a wall. It was a lot like if Jesus had taken the wheel and was trying to kill me. I can only assume this was my punishment for throwing my daughter at a wild bear earlier that week, but in my defense, I thought it would make a great picture. More of that later when I sober up and am not in an abject amount of pain.
And, on a blissfully whine-free note, it’s Monday – which means I’m only two weeks and a day late for my weekly wrap-up:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
- Sears is moving in a new direction. Apparently.
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- Nothing really, because I’ve been on vacation. But I will say how furiously happy it made me to see so many people at Blogher taking pictures of their desk-sized Beyonce, as if it was the new Flat Stanley.
What you missed on the internets:
- I learned how to make a phone penis. That’s about it.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the folks at Hillshire Farm. They make some bad-ass meat. Also, they’re owned by Sara Lee so it’s only a matter of time before they come out with some sort of ham stuffed with cheesecake. Thanksgiving just got more delicious. You’re welcome, America.