I hurt too much to think of a clever title for this.

I’m home!  And alive!  Mostly.

I have many stories to share, but I’m far to high to write them now because my last night in Alaska I had such an terrific rheumatoid arthritis attack that I was fairly sure I was going to die.  At around midnight the cruise ship med staff wheeled me to the ship doctor, who pumped me full of so many things that they had to use the veins in both arms and my hands, and now I look like a heroin addict who doesn’t even know how to do heroin properly.  After the first dose of drugs I started to feel less screamy and more woozy, and I thought I was passing out but it turns out that they’d neglected to lock the wheelchair I was in, and so when a large wave made the ship go sideways my wheelchair took off on it’s own and I screamed down the hall and crashed into a wall.  It was a lot like if Jesus had taken the wheel and was trying to kill me.  I can only assume this was my punishment for throwing my daughter at a wild bear earlier that week, but in my defense, I thought it would make a great picture.  More of that later when I sober up and am not in an abject amount of pain.

**********

And, on a blissfully whine-free note, it’s Monday – which means I’m only two weeks and a day late for my weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Nothing really, because I’ve been on vacation.  But I will say how furiously happy it made me to see so many people at Blogher taking pictures of their desk-sized Beyonce, as if it was the new Flat Stanley.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the folks at Hillshire Farm. They make some bad-ass meat. Also, they’re owned by Sara Lee so it’s only a matter of time before they come out with some sort of ham stuffed with cheesecake. Thanksgiving just got more delicious.  You’re welcome, America.

142 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You threw Hailey at a Zombie Polar Bear? Wow.

    Like

    Kara recently posted Eye Heart Stitchery – I Love Rain Clouds.

  2. Arthritis is no laughing matter… Until it is. And the vision of you, all drugged up and out of it, rolling helplessly across a ship in a busted ass wheelchair? That made my Monday. For this I humbly thank you.

    Like

    Chelsie recently posted Baked Creamy Chicken Taquitos.

  3. I think I will literally LAUGH OUT LOUD the next time I hear Carrie Underwood croon “Jesus take the wheel…” Hilarious!
    Wait… I shouldn’t be laughing too much at your pain. Shame on me. Hope you get to feeling better, soon.

    Like

    Cathy recently posted This should be a good thing, right?.

  4. That is the best heroin-user’s cover-up story I’ve ever heard.
    Admitting you have a problem is the first step, Jenny.

    Like

    Daddy Scratches recently posted Lest anyone think I’m not a total wild man….

  5. I feel like Mel Brooks had something to do with your Alaskan trip. Did he?

    On a separate note, you are awesome. That is all.

    Charlie
    http://HowToBeADad.com

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    Charlie recently posted 7 Rules for Non-Parent Etiquette.

  6. I have a few in-laws I may send on a cruise for that wheel chair fun ride. Either that or the bear toss thingy. I’m not picky about how they get their aches and pains.

    Get better soon!

    Like

    Becky recently posted Real Food. It’s What’s for Dinner. Once a Year..

  7. Jesus is really more of backseat driver. Obviously you’re a drugged up heathen.

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    Kirsten recently posted the one where i suggest linda harvey buy a dildo.

  8. I’m sure if you chose to do heroin you would be great at it, don’t let the doctor ruin your street cred.

    Perhaps victor should outfit your wheelchair with rims or provide you with a set of grillz.

    Like

    Lady B recently posted I’m a mess and boxers are surprisingly uncomfortable..

  9. Really wishing you the best and hope you start feeling better very soon! We missed you this week, but your Tweets was awesome as always. You’re not alone, I’ve wanted to throw my child at a wild bear before . . .photo op not required.

    Like

    Eric recently posted Opticynicism has gone publicly bi.

  10. I’ve often thought of throwing my kids to wild animals, but then, I feel sorry for the animals!🙂
    So glad you and your daughter survived and you’re here to tell about it. I hope you feel better soon!

    Like

    Susan Sipal recently posted Pottermore is Open for Beta-Testing!.

  11. Are you sure Mel Brooks didn’t have something to do with your Alaskan trip? Or maybe the filmmakers behind “Airplane”?

    In other news, you are awesome.

    Charlie

    Like

    Charlie recently posted 7 Rules for Non-Parent Etiquette.

  12. I did not know it could become a wheelchair worthy flare that fast. Holy shit. I was diagnosed in 2008. Uh, little scared now.

    Like

    Summer recently posted Oceans of Love and Flowers and Blood and the Mountains to Hold it all Down.

  13. Dear Jenny,

    So yeah.

    I didn’t have anything witty at all today to say.

    Just hoping you get better hun.🙂

    -Tony

    Like

    Tony Hunt recently posted Don’t be scared, it’s just Google.

  14. So sorry you’re in pain. But thank god the pain waited until your last day in Alaska. Jesus waited to steer your wheel chair into a wall until the end of your trip so kudos to him for that. He could have been a little more subtle, though.

    Like

    Diana recently posted 7 Years: What a Strange and Wonderful Trip it's Been.

  15. It’s like Trainspotting meets the Love Boat meets House meets the Bloggess.

    Like

    Beesus recently posted Animals Interviews:.

  16. Just imagine if your wheelchair took off over the edge of the ship- yikes! What’s worse- that or the bear?

    Like

    Maria@La_Piattini recently posted Soccer by Day, BBQ by Night.

  17. Ew. I was on family vacation last week too – and ready to complain about it to the world. But I think yours ended worse than mine… I only had OTC drugs and lots of booze to dull the mental pain (no actual physical pain) so I feel blessed! Welcome back!

    Like

    Mo recently posted Stealth Mission.

  18. Your About page needs to mention something about your being superhuman.

    Like

  19. Sorry your RA flared so nastily. But at least it waited to the end of the trip.

    I give Sears two thumbs up. It’s about time they joined the 21st century. People want more to buy more than riding lawnmowers and tidy whities these days.

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    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Who knew you needed a rubber doorstop to have super sex?.

  20. Arthritis pain sucks but this story is funny as hell. It could only happen to you Jenny.

    Like

    Kristin recently posted My 10 Seconds of Fame.

  21. Wait, you are NOT supposed to distract the bears with small children? Huh. Who knew?

    Boats and wheelchairs without locks doesn’t seem… prudent? I hope it was at least fun for three or four seconds, like a carnival ride without the carnies.

    Like

    Leauxra recently posted Leauxra's Small House.

  22. I’m sorry to hear about your agony….yuk….but I can’t say I’m sorry to hear about your wheel chair (or was it Jesus?) trying to kill you on a ship no less that made me LOL to pen an incredibly over-used phrase (technically not to pen though is it otherwise you’d have a letter in your hands right now) Anyway can’t wait to hear about you throwing your daughter at a wild bear…reminds me of my thought today about asking my 2yo old to hit my 11 mth old on the head with a golf club (plastic not metal) again so I could instagram it (Luckily it remained a thought)…aren’t you glad you’re not alone….
    NIcole x

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    Nicole aka _wideeyedgirl recently posted A very useful engine... for mental asylums.

  23. Welcome back…even if you came home kicking and screaming…well at least screaming

    Like

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which he supports assholes.

  24. I don’t know what’s funnier . . . your Jesus take the wheel line . . . or the comment that referenced “tidy whities” lol

    Like

  25. I had to go to cruise ship doctor one time. He was stoned out of his mind and gave me a BAGGIE of Percocet to take “when I felt like it”.
    Needless to say, ALWAYS visit the ship doctor.
    Perhaps doctor should be in quotes?

    Like

    Mads recently posted Sunset harbor cruise.

  26. I hope you feel better Jenny. I can’t wait to hear all about your trip when you are done with your high. 😉

    Like

  27. Oh bloody hell. I was born with RA – it’s total dogshit. What really helped me was hydrotherapy – not sure if you’ve been offered that, or if you get offered things like that in the US (I’m British), but it really helped me. If there’s not a hydro pool near you, borrow someone’s jacuzzi and do some physiotherapy in it. No word of a lie. Gentle stretches + warm water = happy joints.

    Like

  28. Oh you’re back even AFTER the wheelchair indecent? For chrissake, I told the guy to make it look like an accident but it still has to WORK. Cancelling his check.

    Like

    Amy recently posted A Staff Letter from the Headmaster of Nobblesnuff’s Academy of Wizardry.

  29. That sucks! But at least you have a funny bear picture of your scared daughter! Winning!

    Like

    Jamie recently posted Ask Jamie.

  30. That’s incident not indecent. Stupid spelling checker thing. Though I suppose murder is indecent in some states. Not Alaska though.

    Like

    Amy recently posted A Staff Letter from the Headmaster of Nobblesnuff’s Academy of Wizardry.

  31. Okay I can really appreciate this blog because like 2 years ago my doctor said, “You have elevated RH factor.” Which I guess is nothing like PH factor. I think, my only prior experience with PH factor is measuring chlorine in our pool in Texas. But RH factor is an indication of possibly having rheumatoid arthritis but the rheumatoid doctor said not to worry because if I have it, it’s probably the lesser of two devils hahaha? So then I just stopped going to any of those doctors and my index finger isn’t swollen anymore after cortisone shot so I’ve just been ignoring it. BUT it’s very good to know there is a lighter side to rheumatoid arthritis in the event I have it.

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    Beck recently posted How Not To Do Social by Netflix.

  32. At least you were drugged up when you hit the wall….silver lining!🙂

    Like

    Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted Happy Anniversary You Little Ferret: Part I.

  33. Sorry to laugh, but picturing you screaming as your wheelchair took off down the hall was too much!

    Hope you’re better soon! ((hugs))

    Like

    Kernut the Blond recently posted My Knuckles Are Still White.

  34. Feel better! Hope you get some relief soon.

    Like

    OhanaMama recently posted Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire.

  35. I hope you’re feeling better now. You certainly haven’t lost your sense of humor in spite of the rheumatoid arthritis, which is no laughing matter.

    Like

    RCB recently posted Why Would We Care if Bert and Ernie Were Gay?.

  36. I feel incredibly bad for laughing at your arthritis but you made me do it. I hope you feel better and I can’t wait to see the Hailey getting eaten by a bear picture.

    Like

    Virginia recently posted The Boys of the Game of Baseball.

  37. Wow, that sounds horrible, and I hope you feel better soon. On the bright side, you’ve helped advance medical science by demonstrating that being thrown against a wall is not an effective treatment for rheumatoid arthritis.

    Like

    Laura recently posted The Door.

  38. You poor thing! It’s bad enough to be in that kind of pain and then they tried to kill you on top of that! Travelling kicks my ass too, I got home from my cruise though before my fibromyalgia decided to rear its ugly head. Pain isn’t fun for any of us and I know I don’t get any of the “fun” drugs that you do🙂
    I do hope you are feeling better.

    Like

    Karen recently posted RIP Jani Lane - A Warrant Tribute.

  39. About thinking of a title: do what I do and choose the best sentence from the post and use it as the title.

    For this particular post: It was a lot like if Jesus had taken the wheel and was trying to kill me

    Perfect title, eh?

    Glad you’re back safely.

    Like

  40. Maybe you should wish the RA on the wild bear and kill two birds with one stone.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

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    Julie recently posted Children live here? I would have never guessed..

  41. Duuuude. Wheelchairs and boats do not mix.

    Like

    Kristen recently posted Olivia Wilde’s Oscar-winning turn in Cowboys and Aliens..

  42. I have missed the hell out of you! So glad you are back. Thanks for my REAL LOL of the day!
    Hope you are feeling better soon.

    Like

  43. 43
    White Tiger Diva

    Ah Jenny, you know how to make a Monday more bearable! Oops no pun intended! Feel better soon. Smooches…

    Like

  44. Welcome back, cant wait to read your stories.

    Like

  45. Feel better. And know that you rolling across the ship in a wheelchair is full of the kind of awesome we’ve all come to expect. I like to say that if the damage isn’t permanent, the story is worth it.

    Like

    Kitten Thunder's Girl recently posted You do NOT talk about Fight Club.

  46. Did you type this out with your mind or did you manage to coerce Victor to type this out? Somehow I think the former is more likely than the latter. What does that say about Victory? Huh, Victor? No don’t open your mouth. Don’t want you to drop the egg.

    Like

    subWOW recently posted Repost: My Problems with “The Help”.

  47. I cannot help but wonder why the elephant is listed as “exotic”. Is it the exotic animal it is meant to resemble or the nature of the attire? Either way, huzzah for Sears! Welcome to the sex-forward generation that celebrates furries!

    Like

  48. I had no idea you have RA. Wow. I know I should say I am so sorry, but you are the poster child for not letting a debilitating illness get in your way, so all I can think is “amazing.’ Also, you have given me the best visual of Doc from the Love Boat giving you the good stuff (probably got it from Isaac)- and I am desperately hoping life imitates art in this situation.

    welcome back! you were missed.

    Like

  49. I hope you feel better. (Sorry for laughing through your story…but it cracked me up).

    Like

    Gracey Castro (@gracey_castro) recently posted Inspiration me...Helmet, shield and armor.

  50. Hearing about your sucky doctors visit and subsequent attempted mixer by Jesus just made this gyno visit a whole lot better

    Like

  51. Do I feel a little bit guilty for laughing at the thought of you being tossed into a wall while you were strapped in a wheelchair? Not really. Because if the tables were turned, I know you’d be laughing you ass off!

    Like

  52. Why couldn’t you stop that wheelchair on your own? Did they have you strapped in and muzzeled like Hannibal Lechter? Actually, I could see why they might do that…

    Like

    If I Were God... recently posted Uganda and Fox News.

  53. OH.EM.GEE.
    You are hilarious.
    I, too, suffer from RA and a whole mess of crap and there really is nothing to do but laugh and drink through it.
    Hope you feel better soon!

    Like

    Heather Moran recently posted Introducing a wonderful new website…..

  54. I’ve got the RA too…it sure does suck…a lot! But kudos to youdos for your fun loving take on what can only be described as a sucktacular moment!

    Like

    Jenn recently posted God Thy Name Is JERRY!!!.

  55. Welcome to Canada. Enjoy our poutine, tuques and roving death boats.

    Like

  56. Doctor? You’d think that Isaac would have just made you some kind of kick-ass cocktail to ward off the pain.

    Like

    moooooog35 recently posted Scarred for Life....or...Am I???.

  57. Oh, honey. You make me laugh out loud with your blog but I know you are experiencing horrible pain. My wonderful, beautiful sister-in-law has RA and suffers quite a bit with it. I’m sure you don’t want to hear how brave you are, but tough. YOU ARE BRAVE.

    Like

    Jan Ross recently posted Muir Woods – A Wilderness Right Outside San Francisco.

  58. OMG my eyes are still burning from that Sears ad!

    Like

  59. Oh…and I totally would not put much faith in a ship doctor’s ability to reason.

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    Abby recently posted A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words...Some Should Be Left Unspoken.

  60. Genius idea taking Hailey along to distract the polar bears while you run – er, hobble – for safety.

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    Mr Farty recently posted Thoughts of Mary Jane.

  61. Oh lord, how could they have possibly forgotten to lock your wheel chair. On a ship. I’m sorry for admitting I laughed at that one. A lot. Glad you are feeling a little better though and I can’t wait to hear more of your vacation stories!!

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    Sally recently posted Parenting Advice.

  62. Somehow I think it was Victor’s foot that *accidently pushed your wheelchair. We will never know.

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    Veracity recently posted Drinks.

  63. OK. So my (19 yo) son, who went to school in Vancouver last year, informed me yesterday of the Grolar bear. Part Grizzley/part Polar Bear. What do you think?

    Like

  64. Aw, Jenny… Oh-so-gentle hugs for your poor achy body. I hope the drugs were good, at least.

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    Sayre recently posted Hot.

  65. F***ing hell girl, take care of yourself. Love and (gentle) hugs.

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    Corinne recently posted I lived in a closet..

  66. I have systemic disease also. I hope to be half as funny as you about it someday.

    Like

  67. I’m sorry for your RA attack, but it’s given me plenty of funny tweets to read & now this post, so I appreciate you taking one for the team. We are not laughing at you but with you? I think I’m suppose to say something along those lines.
    Feel better… but make a few more posts before the meds run out!

    Like

    Amy from Houston recently posted Would You Like Cheese With That Whine?.

  68. I have been showing anyone and everyone who will LISTEN: how to make that phone penis.

    I wont’ do it here, but oh HOW TEMPTED I AM.

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    Alexandra recently posted For Mary.

  69. Holy hell, woman! I’m glad you made it out of Canada alive. Those Canucks *seem* all nice and helpful, eh, but they’re lean, mean killing machines. I can hear them now, “Oh, did I forget to set the brake, eh? Oh, golly, I’m so sorry!” Yeah, well, your Canadian asses better be sorry for almost killing one of our most beloved biatches!

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    Jen recently posted You’re NOT Going To Die In Mexico. Probably..

  70. At least there was someone there to pump you full of drugs. Feel better, RA is no fun!

    Like

    Domestic Debbie recently posted Do you own a personal organizer?.

  71. I do believe you were on the same cruise as my grandparents! They wrote me an email describing a woman having to have medical attention on the ship, small world. Hope you’re feeling better!

    Like

    Anna recently posted the word “definitely”.

  72. Glad you made it back from Alaska. Hope you’re feeling better soon!

    Like

  73. Why did you make that so funny I laughed out loud? Now I feel evil because I laughed at someones pain and misfortune.

    Like

    Betty Fokker recently posted Where does the “hate” in fat-hate come from?.

  74. At least it was in a closed corridor, I hear the water up there is pretty damn cold this (any) time of year.

    Hope the pain fades again soon.

    Like

    Metta (the letter m) recently posted I don’t like Mondays..

  75. Thank you so much for sharing your stories with us! I hope you are feeling better soon!

    Like

  76. Dear Jenny,

    Love you.

    Susan

    Like

    Susan @WhyMommy recently posted The days pass.

  77. Oh to be blessed with your sense of humor!! You are so lucky… seriously. : ) Am waiting with baited breath for the bear and daughter story. Sounds like a great photo op to me, too.

    Like

    Janet Bocciardi recently posted I Heart Macro.

  78. OMG that’s hilarious! Welcome back!

    Like

  79. I am a new reader but both thrilled and frightened that I found you…at this rate, I may NEVER find a job (if I keep reading your past posts) That said, sorry you weren’t feeling well on your trip…some bad luck with the wheelchair — where the F*** is Julie McCoy when you need her?

    Like

  80. 82
    casualgypsy

    Shrimp and Alligator Sausage Cheesecake at Jacques-Imo's

    This is a link to a picture (not taken by me) of something better than ham stuffed cheesecake: alligator sausage and shrimp cheesecake. A constant favorite at Jacques-Imo’s in New Orleans. Come visit!

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  81. How do I fake one of these rheumatoid arthritis attack? You know… just in case I run out of my normal cocktail.

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    Carri recently posted Twitter for Seniors.

  82. No fair! I want to ride on a bear-infested drug dispensing roller coaster cruise ship, too!

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    Lorca Damon recently posted Read Anything Good Lately?.

  83. I hope you feel better soon. Perhaps the ride down the hall in the wheelchair was to see if you needed more pain meds or not. If you were too out of it to scream, you would be adequately medicated. Its how I determine pain levels with all my patients, the heck with that boring 1-10 pain scale! Can’t wait to hear about the child-bear-throw thing.

    Like

  84. oh no, i made a smart ass comment on twitter about you being on pain pills like me b/c you were attacked by a bear, now i feel awful. i’m sorry that you feel bad. but i do have to say the part about the wheelchair made me belly laugh. and since i’m pretty sure you were going for that i don’t feel bad. 🙂 feel better soon!

    Like

  85. Damn that sucks. Well at least it wasn’t the first day.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

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    Tiffany recently posted ATLANTA MENAGE A TROIS.

  86. Thank goodness you’re back! I had no way to procrastinate at work because every time I clicked on your blog there were no new updates. This forced me to get way too much work done! I’m looking forward to getting little done, while laughing tons now that you’re back! Oh, and I hope you feel better soon!

    Like

  87. How awful to have such a flare on vacation? I have RA too. Aren’t you on any treatment? Thanks for making me pee my pants!

    Like

  88. I’ve got AS (ankylosing spondylitis) so I totally understand about the pain & inflammation and the weird-ass way it can just sort of rise up and attack out of nowhere and smack the hell out of you for no apparent reason.

    Best therapy by far? Laughter. The largest dose possible, as often as possible. That’s one of the reasons I like to pop in here–to get my laughter fix.

    I think the trick for us achy-breaky people is to do exactly what you’re doing–finding humor where others might only recognize and zero in on the angst.

    A big thumbs up on this post. Here’s hoping you feel better soon and that Jesus passes Drivers Ed before your next encounter.🙂

    –Susan

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    Super Earthling recently posted The Bloodcurdling Labor Pains of Birthing a Bigass Illustrated FAQ.

  89. and my husband just gave each dog a raw egg just to see what they would do. AWESOME.

    let’s just say I had to show him where the mop was.

    Like

    @OutofGoldStars recently posted one week down, thirty-nine to go.

  90. Hope you feel better & lay off the drugs…well maybe not that last part, but just for our entertainment! (J/K).

    Like

    Lily Belle recently posted No good.....

  91. Wheel chairs, IV, polar bears and Jesus….I think next time we are sending you to the Bahamas. I hear it’s better there.

    Feel better fast!

    Like

    "Susan Says..." recently posted The Myth of the Water Cycle.

  92. I am a new commenter, but been a reader for quite some time. My boss and I split the cost of our very own desk sized Beyonce’ (because my boss is NOT a douche canoe) and we made her the unit’s mascot. We bring her to trainings, she shows up on co-workers desks demanding forms, and I think today she might have fired someone. Not sure if that was an authorized firing or not – you can never tell with Beyonce’. She’s all into policies now.

    Like

  93. so, as a first grade teacher, i have to say that i hate flat stanley, so your comment about beyonce being the new flat stanley had me cracking up! beyonce is so much better than flat stanley!

    Like

  94. I love you people.

    I’m on simponi injections, meth and steroids. It works sometimes.

    Like

  95. Pain sucks ass.
    The Stacey Mae vid is the best 5 seconds today! Thank you!

    Like

  96. My son once ended up with his head in the mouth of a bear.

    It was tame and it was in a cage, and the reality is he just wanted the kid’s Mountain Dew, but it is a great story. Which by the way is entirely true, I had to hear it from 3 different people before I really believed it myself, but the kid’s head really was in the mouth of the bear.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Who is to blame?.

  97. I read your comment about “simponi injections, meth and steroids” with the word “math” instead of meth. So, it sucks that you’re having such a hard time right now, but at least you’re not doing math.

    Like

    HNtG recently posted My Beauty Will Always be Animated… or Digital.

  98. Whew, I am glad you’re alive. And I am hoping the mostly bit means what I think it means – zombie transformation. Finally!

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    Joules recently posted Where I’m From.

  99. I hope you feel better soon Jenny. Sending lots of love your way.
    I really suggest you read articles by Dr Mercola. He is a total genius and his health information is the best out there. Recently suggested to my friend who has RA to read it and she has started trying the things suggested with great results.
    Much luv xoxo

    Like

  100. So sorry to hear that you’re still ill. Best wishes to you, Jenny. You don’t deserve this stupid disease.

    Like

    Brenna recently posted A gazillion grains of sand.

  101. Ah the wonders of drugs… They make the world such a beautiful place, especially when it’s actually crappy… I’m considering becoming a drug addict, it sounds like fun.

    Like

    Lisa recently posted Because I am the queen of exercise I even do it when I'm socialising. Or I only do it while I'm socialising. I never remember which one it is..

  102. I just keep picturing a plastic Jesus on your non-existent wheelchair dashboard because that song keeps playing over and over in my head. Be well.

    Like

    WorldsWorstMoms recently posted Can I Blame this on "Damn You Auto Correct"?.

  103. Really wishing you the best and hope you start feeling better very soon!

    Cheers

    Henrik
    http://skærmtiliphone.dk/

    Like

  104. I found your blog about a week ago and have spent every spare moment since finding it catching up on previous posts. I just finished the last one and now have nothing left to read. Thank you for making me laugh and at some points cry. You are inspiring and hilarious!

    P.S. Douche Canoe, best phrase ever!

    Like

  105. I think we’re a few days off from each other, but man, I kind of enjoy imagining you were on the same cruise we just honeymooned on. Really, I like imagining anyone else on the cruise who might use swear words in casual conversation. I felt like I was wearing a muzzle trying to be polite at breakfast everyday.

    Like

  106. Oh my gosh….I cant believe that about the wheelchair but you had me “rolling” reading it! Glad you are back home safe and sound even if you do look like a heroin addict

    Like

    allpointswhole recently posted Sowing My Wild Oats: Mood Boosting Foods and a Whole Foods Giveaway!.

  107. I can’t imagine what your punishment from Jesus would’ve been had the bear eaten your daughter. I feel like that wheelchair would’ve gone flying overboard, so consider yourself lucky! 🙂

    Like

    Momma Teacher Lady recently posted Autonomy is Awesome(ish).

  108. Please get to feeling better soon. Being stuck in a wheelchair on a boat somehow does not sound like the most fun idea ever. Mucho love lady

    Like

  109. Oh wow. Really, I’m sorry. But oh my god I can’t stop laughing. Not to worry, I’m equally useless in real-live disasters. Get better soon. Oh, and it’s time to kick that shit. Heroin is so 60s.

    Like

    Teresa recently posted A Lot Happened… Bullet 3: Know what you want.

  110. I hope that your RA attack calms down soon. I have inflammatory arthritis so know where you’re coming from.

    Like

    rehabilitationrandomness recently posted Independence.

  111. Your sick . Ok. Not how to have fun ? Easy – be a pain in the ass for everyone, calling others for little dumb shits like water and food, and vomit ! I do this every time am sick and it works great. Really adds something special to treatment😉

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    Luke recently posted Most expensive movie ever.

  112. Children evoke the natural nuturing instinct in bears. You’re supposed to throw children at them. I read that somewhere.

    Like

    Fred Miller recently posted For Serious Art, See TessaLeFae.com.

  113. Hope you get to feeling better! I look forward and check back much too often for new posts. Some day I too hope to see Alaska. Hope you had a great time.

    Jennifer
    Diesel Stompinga>

    Like

  114. OMG, you poor thing! I saw RA on Twitter and didn’t know what it was, but didn’t want to bug you. AND getting slammed into a wall. Good Lord. I hope you get much, much better RIGHT away.

    Hm, silver lining…. being in pain burns lots of calories?!?

    xo

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    biobabbler recently posted chicken snax -- pretty food!.

  115. I hope you’re feeling better and I hope the rest of your family made it back safely with you…. you said YOU got back home but no mention about the daughter…. Hmmmm…. hey think about it, that photo with the bear was probably awesome and once in a lifetime. Sometimes you just got to takes chances by the horns – like when you can get a fantastic shot of your daughter with a bear!

    BTW, what cleans out blood good? Just wondering.

    Like

  116. My mom always said lemon juice will clean out blood

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  117. You, dear Bloggess, are responsible for nearly killing my entire family this weekend. Yep. Here’s how: I learned early on in my relationship that, when my husband is driving, I am NOT to gasp excitedly about ANYTHING (a pedestrian’s super cute electric blue high heels, iPhone news that a celebrity has died (Amy Winehouse?!!), cows humping in a nearby field–nada) because it gives him a heart attack and makes him swerve the car. Most of the time, I can control myself. But on Saturday, as hubby drove past a GIANT Beyonce sitting outside a mega-grocery store, I decided it was worth the risk to my life and the lives of my two small children and half-gasped, half-screamed. I was SO. Freaking. Excited. He was SO. Freaking. Annoyed. Still totally worth it!

    With this latest post I have decided that you’ll also be responsible for me (once again?) offending my super-conservative religious neighbors/extended family members because I’ll probably crack up and snort Coke (a Cola) up my nose the next time someone plays the Carrie Underwood Jesus song.

    Feel better! Glad you survived to share.

    Like

  118. I have awarded you the Versatile Blogger Award. You can check it out here: http://realarmyofmoms.blogspot.com/2011/08/you-like-me-you-really-like-me.html

    I have been a fan since you bought the 5 foot tall chicken. LOVE YOU!!!

    Like

    Real Army of Moms recently posted You Like ME! You REALLY Like Me!.

  119. Jesus really should lock all wheelchairs on ships automatically when he makes the waves go. I mean, he could do that, right? How hard could it be?

    Like

    juliejulie recently posted My (Ridiculous) Life with Dogs: Living with a Papillion and a Weimaranar.

  120. Does the ship have security cameras? It would be well worth it bribing them for video of you in the get-away wheelchair me thinks.

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    Brandy recently posted Themed Thursday: The Pisser.

  121. Cheese and Rice Jenny that sounds painful. I would want off that ride I’m getting sea sick just thinking about narcotics and waves.

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    Lindsey (aka modchik) recently posted Bucket List – My 100.

  122. methotrexate

    Like

  123. “I’m on simponi injections, meth and steroids. It works sometimes.

    Meth! I believe you mean methotrexate; meth is short for Methamphetamine and you would be totally wired.

    Did you catch my twitter comment re: Curcumin and TNF-alpha? http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9439980
    TNF-alpha is the inflammatory agent that Simponi targets!

    May be worthwhile supplementing between treatments.

    Like

  124. I’m pretty sure your daughter could’ve taken the bear, she’s a tough little cookie!

    Like

  125. You put a funny spin on it – but the little bit of arthritis I have attacking my joints…that sounds horrible. Enjoy the drugs for as long as you can.

    Like

    Jamie recently posted Today’s Muse. His eye is on the Goldfish..

  126. Ahhhhhh, the phone penis!! My FWB sent me a phone penis last week. I text back and said, “What is that suppose to be?” He said, “I guess it’s a penis.” Haha! What will they come up with next?

    Like

  127. You threw your kid at a bear and you look like a heroin addict. I think Good Mom/Bad Mom is about to get really interesting.

    Feel better!

    Like

    Allie recently posted I love Craigslist and Adult-Baby Fetishists.

  128. Unrelated to everything, but I saw this severed baby hands soap and it made me think of you. http://www.etsy.com/listing/43242843/handsoap-set

    Like

  129. Grolar bears? I may never sleep again.

    Like

    Mr Farty recently posted Thoughts of Mary Jane.

  130. The dog with the egg totally cracked me up (pun intended).

    I gave you a blogging award – I love your stuff so I wanted to share the blogging love. It’s one of those fun blogger’s choice things. If you’d like to check it out, click the link below:

    The Crunchy (Grouchy) Mommy – mommyiscrunchy.blogspot.com

    Like

    The Crunchy Grouchy Mommy recently posted Versatile Blogger Award.

  131. I have RA too and I have suffered a sneak attack like you had on your vacay. Just suck down the drugs sister. Tomorrow sonething else will hurt.

    Like

  132. I just met you at Blogher. I have RA too, and I figure the only thing its good for is one up man ship when hanging out with the elderly. Whenever I have a flare someone always wants to give a strong, manly kind of handshake, and after I scream and fall to my knees, I pop up and say, ” good to meet you too. I see you’ve been working out with the hand grips.”

    Like

  133. All I can think about is ham-stuffed-cheesecake. OMG I would totally eat that!

    Like

    Rebel Chick Jenn recently posted My Must-See Sights in Barbados.

  134. Hi Jenny, I’m so glad your back! Sorry to hear about the RA flare-up that blows:-) while I’m so happy your back, my Otherhalf rolled his eyes, he was not amused, he was pretty upset someone f—ed with his bananas:-)

    Like

    Purple Stinky Onion recently posted I Can Ice Skate, Biotch! Watch Out.........

  135. I think this is AWESOME…..and is deserving of your list of

    What you missed on the internets:
    http://getstooobsessed.tumblr.com/post/9004061623/mommy-they-are-just-like-me-my-oldest-son-is

    even better if you would write something with/about/for it….

    Note: this is not my blog, just a post I stumbled upon via a facebook friend and thought you would enjoy it.

    thanks,
    Bradley

    Like

  136. This has nothing to do with what you just posted but I promise I did read it all.
    I don’t know if you get notified somehow by ninjas or something when someone mentions your blog but I did mention it on mine. Which probably makes no difference sine I’m pretty sure no one reads my blog seeing as that I just started it and am already failing and keeping it up to date. But yeah I stumbled on to your blog and am hooked on it. I’ve been going back and reading all your old posts. I am fully updated on James Garfield and other crazy things. I feel like i sound like a weird crazy stalker person but I’m not… well at least the last part.
    Okay well that’s all.

    Like

    KatPerez recently posted Another epic fail on my part thanks to my short attention span and busy life.

  137. To My Lovely Jenny,

    How do you do it? How do you stay positive in the face of so much..so much? I really admire you and what I assume are your superhuman coping abilities. Any advice for someone hanging onto the edge by their fingertips? I was recently diagnosed diabetic with high cholesterol. I have an anxiety disorder. I cry nearly all the time when I’m alone or stare blankly into space. I don’t enjoy doing anything, not anymore. I feel like there is a huge black monster inside of me punching himself a new home in my chest. I hurt. I hurt all the time. I’m bawling as I type this. I feel…like a burden, useless, responsible for everything that goes wrong even when it’s not my fault. And Angry. I’m angry. I’m ANGRY. How do you deal? I don’t think I can look one more freaking pill in the face, or one more damn doctor.

    (You can do this. Just keep breathing and see someone. Medications help. If it wasn’t for anti-depressants I don’t know where I would be. You will be okay. Promise. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Cassie recently posted the day my world tried to fall apart.

  138. 141
    Lena Teegal

    I really want that steampunk vibrator as a coffee table piece.

    Like

  139. i’m sorry, i stole your sears thing. crap, i guess it even says that below on the link. stupid link, ratting me out. i really was going to admit it on my own, i swear.

    jill

    Like

    in bed with married women recently posted Ooooh, Sears, You Naughty Little Store, You.

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