Last night I mentioned on twitter that Klout had updated my twitter score, and that they had deleted “Satan” as a topic that I was influential about. They replaced “Satan” with “schizophrenic”. Frankly, I’m not even sure how I feel about this.
Then today I heard they updated me again.
And suddenly, all felt right in the universe again.
Oh, God.
Well, at least we know you’re still functioning.
Obviously, these are all things that go together. Everyone knows that schitzophrenics are actually possed by Satan who, you might be aware, Never Sleeps.
That might be the answer to all your problems, actually. Just saying.
You should first and foremost be influential about Giant Metal Chickens. Klout… what a racket.
at least it seems they all go together!
They sure do have you pinned down. Geeze
Wow. You’ve inspired me to avoid Klout just a little bit longer.
Frankly, this is just impressive.
It all works out in the end. 🙂 And I just introduced my SIL to your blog post about Beyonce. She’s still laughing.
And you are a “Taste Maker”. Good luck finding fresh avocados in this weather.
I barely understand Klout – but I am pretty sure I should be influential about Ted Mosby’s hair. my blog comes up as the third search term for those key words….That means something? Doesn’t it?
To be fair, I am sure Satan has issues with both insomnia and schizophrenia.
I’m influential about coffee, children, and margaritas. That’s a little bit fucked up. It was fine til they brought the children in on it. But I used to be influential about the Icelandic volcano, so it’s an improvement. At least people actually HAVE children. Not even Iceland claims that volcano.
I would have to agree with Jamie (above), at least all of your “topics” are in the same category. Too funny.
Frankly, I’m a little disappointed you’re not influential about Wolverines!
Wolverines!!!!!
😉
Your niche is set! There has to be a reality TV show in there, right?
Well, I can see that.
And we all find those topics hysterical, of course.
Better schizophrenia than “oh fuck the internet’s here” (got that one). Just sayin’
“Satan” is really a typo. What they mean is “santa” as in James Garfield Santa. There. That makes sense.
I think I might have preferred Satan… Not that I *prefer* Satan…
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…. hopefully God doesn’t hold that against me.
How does Klout know what you influence? Can we readers leave comments on here to get you a different “Influential about” word?
Uvula..no even better Uvulitis.
uvulitis uvulitis uvulitis
They forgot that you are influential about “Identifying DoucheCanoes”
I happen to think that you’re pretty influential about towels…as in influencing people to buy giant chickens named Beyonce instead of them. Klout is dumb…I should be influential about “pants” since that’s my little girl’s nickname and I talk about her all the time on twitter…stupid Klout doesn’t know anything…
Klout has no idea what they are talking about. They told me I’m influential on Texas. I’ve never been to or even mentioned Texas. WTF?
See, I just thing those topics make you more interesting. Scary, but interesting. HA!
Satan, Insomnia, and Schizzo: it’s like some Bloggess-inspired version of the debate, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” But without a spatula.
who and what is Klout? and if they are so special why are they not mentioning Beyonce, The Metal Chicken, Victor or Ferris Mewler? Really, there’s just so much more of YOU that they don’t know.
And here I was super excited that people were finding my blog with the search terms “Puck Me Please” and “bible study for girl fights”
What about Zombies vs Unicorns? Or just plain zombies?
I am apparently influential about mental heath and that made me laugh so hard that the voices in my head told me to shut the hell up already cause they were trying to sleep.
Oh and Crocs.
But that is just my twitter biatches playing with me. Bitches.
I so don’t get the whole klout thing, but happy all is right with the universe once again.
While, I can’t say that you’ve influenced my feelings about satan or schizophrenia, I would definitely give you zombies and taxidermy; which are admittedly close.
Klout used to say that I was influential about bacon. I’m a vegetarian.
I have the insomnia problem. But not the other two. Yet.
Obviously, the Dark Prince missed you. I had no idea he was such a softie.
If someone slams you just say, “boo-yah” outloud and mentally tell them to kiss-your-ass. Works for me. 🙂
Meh, Klout schmout.. those douchetards wouldn’t know influential if it bit them in the virtual ass and hung there for 10 years. We missed you Jenny! Welcome back! Go see how many would be burglars Beyonce protected the house from and give us a body count, I’m sure they are in a pile somewhere!
What the hell is Klout? And who thought that spelling was genius? Seriously people.
And why isn’t “Giant Metal Chicken Sales” on that list?
I just don’t get the formula. My topics include hummus and bp today.
Man, I’m such a neophyte I have no idea what Klout is. I’m afraid they would say I am influential about breasts and shoes.
>>>5 minutes later<<<
Damn! I'm influential about nothing. That sounds like a challenge.
Somewhere Rob Zombie is complaining “I was influential about Satan for only a couple hours? WTF?”
Hmmm…..My ex-husband is Satan. I have insomnia in the worst way, going on 9 years. I’m just missing the schizophrenia. Rock on, sister. You will always rule in my world.
Klout has deep-seated issues. It thinks I am some guru on the state of Indiana, Scott Pilgrim and tattoos. I had to ask someone who this Pilgrim guy is and I am still uncertain, and I don’t know what I did to get saddled with tattoos. But Indiana? It’s beyound perplexing.
I tweet constantly about what a douche Rick Perry is but apparently no one can be an expert in something so basic to the human understanding.
PS – why not bears? seriously, bears.
My Klout score is -24 … I’m not even influential in my own head…
Impressive!
Mine says God, Puppies and Picture of Mental Health.
Clearly, we should be friends. Opposites attract.
Sidenote: Was honestly wonderful meeting you at BlogHer. I have a fabulous, slightly blurry photo of us with creepy, glowing eyes and startled/amused grins.
I was excited to see I was influential in “Bacon”….but then they gave me “Justin Bieber” too. FML.
WTF is a Klout???
Most awesome Trifecta if there is one.
And if you think about it, the three are perfectly related.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who was like….klout? Now I have to go check it out….why can you only login with Twitter or Facebook?
So, why exactly does klout think you are influential about “schizophrenic”? Or does whoever come up with this shit read your blog? If so, I’m not sure even the rest of us came to that conclusion. Even with klout’s input. Unless… Beyonce is really just a manifestation of a voice in your head that the rest of us can see? Wow. Suddenly so much makes sense.
Don’t feel bad. Klout thinks I’m influential about heaven, vodka, and children. Which kind of explains how my son got here. Heh.
Klout thinks I am influential about the Pittsburgh Penguins. I don’t think I’ve ever even thought about the Pittsburgh Penguins until now.
I don’t mean to shit on your parade or anything, but these people can’t even spell ‘clout’ correctly so I wouldn’t put to much stock in what they have to say.
Wow… what kind of perk offers does a satanic schizophrenia expert qualify for?
You are the person I aspire to be…
Things like this make you the wind beneath my wings.
Initially Klout called out my influence on diablo, homeschooling and Mac. Great. I make my living developing PC laptops (not Mac), write for my church’s blog and can only attribute the trouble I’ve had with my public-schooled teens/YAs for the homeschooling influence. Now everything’s changed. I’m influencing “authors, training and writing.” Clearly, I can give you some tips on how to overcome Satan, but you might be up all night arguing with yourself about it.
Damn – I’m not influential about anything! Maybe it was the mention of Jesus earlier that (temporarily) lost you clout with Satan? Maybe?
You’d better watch it. Dick Cheney is gonna be pissed that you took his title. The last person to do that got a face full of buckshot for his troubles.
Great. My Klout score is 11. Actually 10.5. About. Nothing. I’m so depressed I can’t sleep. I’m so happy I can’t sleep. Got to HELL, Klout–I’m waiting for you there.
JBMONCO, no fear, my friend. My Klout score is a mere 14, which I think is pretty damn good considering that I have only one subscriber and she’s my best friend. Until 10 minutes ago, I didn’t even know what Klout was.
Does this mean I can start calling you Beelzebub?
This must make your mother very proud.
I guess an influx of satanists will soon be incoming to this blog, or perhaps they already are, fuming in the background waiting for skinny on Belzebub. Oh well…
Right about now, you seem to be more influential about “cats”. Oh, and “Utah” is steadily climbing. I can’t figure out how the hell you get influential topics at all – tweet frequency? I have nothing at all as far as influential topics go. Think I’ll constantly tweet about rutabagas or something, see if it shows up at all.
hahaha!! no wonder things were off kilter for a moment.. thanks Klout for screwing things up!
You’re like Ruth Gordon in “Rosemary’s Baby.” One night after we’ve read your Satanic Verses (you’re evil name is The Sataness) we’ll have a very bad dream about being made sweet love to by a man with yellow contact lenses while you cackle and drink wine slushees in the background. Nine months later we’ll give birth to a baby with yellow contact lenses with colic and an aversion to holy milk.
It just gives me a sad looking puppy that says sorry and a bunch of small print. Does this mean I don’t even exist to them?!? What. The. Hell.? Way to be a bully and torture the shreds of whatever self esteem I did have, Klout.
What about being influential to oatmeal about sexual
issues, no?
Seriously, though, no “zombie” or “apocalypse”???
Something is still missing, Jenny. Something big and zombified.
I won’t sleep easy tonight, and you’re to blame.
GAH.
_______
Why didn’t gigantic chickens who knock on the front door make the list?
while this is somewhat accurate, i’m thinking something along the lines of: “metal chicken-loving insomniac who has a slightly questionable affinity for zombies and kitten hats.”
This just proves to me that my other personality needs to tweet about insomnia and satan a lot more.
I was laughing my ass off when they made me influential about pole dancing but I think your topics have mine beat.
damnit, Klout is fucking up again. how can you be influential ABOUT me, if you don’t even KNOW me?
we can fix this, though. i’m about to move to your state in less than six months, woo!
i’m definitely throwing a housewarming party (please bring unkillable cacti) and you, and every other blogger/tweeter i know from the Dallas/Houston/San Antonio area are SO invited.
save the date! for… well, sometime. in december or january. maybe. i’m not so organized. where is my brain again?
What?
You’re not influential on the topic of whale penises?
I call shenanigans.
Don’t these people know that you are influential about gardening? (Mushroom boobs, anyone?)
Dang. Mine’s ‘steady at 16’. I think this means that I can occasionally persuade my dogs to eat.
Just gave you a well deserved +K about Satan. How dare they try to take that away from you.
I would’ve thought they’d mention LARGE METAL CHICKENS on which you are unassailably the greatest living expert. Of course, if they were rating all experts on LARGE METAL CHICKENS, both living and dead, Ben Franklin would probably be your greatest competitor, or perhaps Thomas Jefferson. One of the two fer sure.
IMHO, of course.
That is the trifecta of awesome!
–>Klout thinks I’m influencial about blogging (ok), Dexter (I wish) and Tiger Woods (The fuck?).
twitter: @debthaxton
Well shit. Your topics are a hell of a lot more fun than mine. I just have mundane things like parenting and moms. Guess I should wake up and smell the awesomesauce.
Finally that guy who thinks he’s Satan/Cheech Marin has a place to go for advice on why he stays awake at night.
Bless you.
Good for you, Jenny! Something noteworthy to add to your autobiography. 🙂
My Klout themes would probably be, “Family,” “Bed Time,” and “Tantrum.” Pretty benign.
You are far more interesting. 🙂
Keep writing!
Darling youre fantastic. The best blog ever youre my hero(ine)
I smell someone’s hot new German Thrash Metal Band name! First Smash Single: Victor Hates My Chicken (Beyonce Is Metal)
I think it’s a vicious cycle — every time you say that Klout says your influential about satan, you’ve said something about satan. Thus, you are influencing again.
So you are a Satan-worshiping schizophrenic with insomnia? SWEET! Where do I sign up?
Julie
ilikebeerandbabies.com
you must be proud.
Welcome back. And tell us more, please, about this Satan fellow.
I’ll trade you influential about eye brows and shoes for Satan. Deal?
I found balance in the world, beyonce’s cousin Clockwork turkey
I would embed the image but the copyright would be broken
http://www.vandaimages.com/data/searches/390540683/VAImages_2006AF4248-01_preview.jpg
haha oh man, that’s great!
Leave it to them to make sense out of chaos, I guess…
I’m concerned that you think everything is “right in the universe” when there is no mention AT ALL of zombies. Either your brain is frozen from your trip to Alaska or Copernicus has hugged you just slighty too tightly and there’s not enough oxygen getting to your brain.
I would have thought something about scary taxidermy would be in there as well.
Well, we all have to be good at something…right?
I don’t know anyone else with a score that high. That’s impressive. Mine’s a whopping 22; but rising at least.
Klout: nevah hoida dem.
I shall email them to ask why you aren’t influential in giant metal chickens.
I was just wondering… would you be my best friend? Perhaps adopted owner? As long as you don’t tattoo me like a skinless cat I am cool with either.
That works. They truly all seem to go hand in hand.
ha ha ha! I love it! I personally hate Klout because they keep saying that I am influential about religion and politics, which I am vehemently opposed to. I never talk about them!
Insomnia is the devil, and I’m pretty sure he’s reading all my emails and wire tapping my phones in a conspiracy with the federal government
yeah, i’m confused as to why giant metal chickens and zombies are not there. or taxidermy. what is this klout? it’s obviously missing the big picture.
I’m happy to have you whispering in the hear of the big-red-horned-guy. Better you than Dick Cheney!
Suck it, Oprah!
I’m influential about dads, beer, and bacon. I think I win this round.
Klout has been seriously messing up my score since I joined. So many different stats not showing up or updating, my score going crazy all the time because of it! CURSES!
But I can’t help but feel a little egotistical when my sore raises a bunch.
Whenever I see a reference to “Klout” I think of “Kloot”, which I think is a Woody Allen movie, but really I have no faulking idea, because I have never seen a Woody Allen movie. I was about to write some smarmy quip, then I realized that until a completely uniqure interwebs analytical tool reminds people of me, rather than a creepy pedo director (not necessarily of the polanski variety) whose movies I have never seen-I have no influence whatsoever. except over people who perhaps like rambling incoherent comments on popular blogs about satan and nuttiness.
Well, I went and checked my Koult score.
And now I’m depressed. Great. It’s a screaming “19”, and I’m influential about Social media and blogging.
Not zombies, and brothels, but social media and blogging.
I think the people at Klout are stoned.
Here, I gave you Klout yesterday on Satan… mostly as a joke. But nevertheless – awesome.
I think “insomnia” added a touch of normalcy to your score…
This is bullshit. THINGS ARE NOT RIGHT IN MY UNIVERSE. They took Lil Wayne and unicorns away and replaced them with moms and blogging. Bullshit I tell you! At least I still have vodka.
Klout will not acknowledge me until I give it more information than I’m comfortable with. That’s just as well, because if Google Analytics is any indication, I’m pretty influential in the field of “anal bleaching”, “midget mimes” and “Danny Trejo’s Sex Scenes”.
I don’t want to know any more about myself. The reality so far has been discouraging.
How is douche canoe not there?!
See there, the best of both worlds
That’s nice, Jenny. You are helping to balance out the rest of us, who are generally influenced BY Satan. Just curious, what are you influencing him to do?
Oh, wait. I just noticed it says “Influential ABOUT.” I need to keep my prepositions straight. But I bet you’re also influential TOWARD him.
We’ve always known you’re influencing schizophrenia–redefining some types of it, in fact. That Klout thing seems pretty accurate.
I like how they keep track of your trending for you. I so need to get me some of that trending stuff!
The perfect storm of Trending. Thank goodness for your influence! Unsure where I’d be without all that influence you’ve given ME on satanic insomniacs.
They say I’m influential about ducks. I don’t even remember tweeting about ducks. Wish it was giant metal chickens.
I don’t know, I’d be a little disturbed they they have you labeled as a “tastemaker” – that can’t be good =)
Clearly they didn’t want you getting schizophrenic about not representing Satan. Who would want THAT to happen, ‘eh?
On the other hand they think I’m influential about vodka and I never drink it nor speak about it, except now, this will only make it worse.
That? Is just a tad bit hilarious. Goodness. Well, at least there’s some variety there – right? 😉
…and this is why I Love The Internet.
Klout has been listing me as influential about nausea. I can’t even think what I’ve been writing about that would have brought it up, but there you are. I post 10000 things about cycling, but no. I get nausea.
I guess an influx of satanists will soon be incoming to this blog, or perhaps they already are, fuming in the background waiting for skinny on Belzebub. I’m influential about nothing. I think it’s a vicious cycle — every time you say that Klout says your influential about satan, you’ve said something about satan.
Darling youre fantastic. Dang. So you are a Satan-worshiping schizophrenic with insomnia?