I’d like to think that God would laugh at these.

in no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

I decided not to post this yesterday because I thought it would be too offensive, and so instead I posted about sugar, which was apparently a terrible idea.  So instead I’m going to post the original post to distract people from my scandalous and heretical use of sugar limericks.

Email conversation between myself and my sister:

me:  Someone just sent me a spam message that says “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just got something better in store for you.” I sent it back as “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means he doesn’t care.”

Lisa: Yeah. You’re probably going to hell.

me:  It also had kittens all over it and it said that if I didn’t pass it on I was “a bad Christian”.  I’m not falling for religious kitten blackmail.  How about “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It probably just means you’re boring. Maybe try incorporating car chases into your prayers. Or something with vampires. Vampires are really hot right now.”

Lisa: Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It just means you aren’t as popular with him as the rich and pretty people he’s helping. Try to be richer or prettier, then maybe you can catch his eye.

me:  Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just really focused on helping wealthy athletes win sports. Also? Fuck cancer.  Apparently.

Lisa:  Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably out watching the new Harry Potter movie. That shit’s entertaining.

me:  Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably just preoccupied with figuring out how to send a plague of rabid locusts to our homes because we’re not taking these God quotes seriously enough.

Lisa:  Touche.

345 thoughts on “I’d like to think that God would laugh at these.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Every time you put up a new post I find myself even more thankful that Wil Wheaton linked to your site. This one just gave me the out loud guffaws. My coworkers wonder about me…

    Ken

  5. If this really is your sister, I would pay $1000 dollars to go to your family reunion. Unless the rest of your family is full of non-hilarious assholes.

  8. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers…oh wait, He does. Sometimes he just says No.

  11. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It means that he has a bag of popcorn watching you try and fix your own damn mistakes!

    FYI…I loved the Sugar Limerick. I am sure that your iPad is on it’s way.

  12. ha! i am glad i am not the only one that has hilarious IM conversations with her sister! I keep threatening my sister i will post ours. love this!

  14. God didn’t answer your prayer because he was out buying Imperial Sugar.

    See? They don’t need a limerick from you – EVEN GOD BUYS IT.

  16. *falls on floor*

    You may assume I fell over laughing, or that I sat down and laughed, but I pissed God off and he knocked me over, or that I’m on the floor in a blasphemy-induced seizure. I don’t care. Just say it again.

  17. Maybe God got distracted by the kittens? Maybe God got fed up with people who claim to love Him being all bitchy to other people whom he loves as well and taking out their spite on them. Maybe God got sick to death of all the cliches and refuses to do anything else until some of His supporters learn to think for themselves with the brains he gave them and not waste other people’s precious time.

    Maybe God is going to be cross with me now for making all the spouters angry. I doubt it though although He may not be pleased with me messing up your comments.

  18. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. Your prayers conflict with His non-compete contract with Satan. Try praying for something less self-serving, you sinning heathen.

  19. Holy Crap — I need to have you over sometime to drink lots of wine and discuss the meaning of life. Either that or I will pay you to come have this chat with my In-Laws around the Thanksgiving table. Would be PRICELESS. (*Note: they already believe I am a heathen bitch and will burn in hell forever, so it would be fun to unleash more ungodly heretics on them).

    Cheers.

  20. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means he listened and you bored him so badly he is now thinking up evil shit to do to you instead of the nice things you asked him for.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

  21. You two walk around in thunderstorms carrying tall metal poles just for kicks, don’t you?

    Must go clean off my screen. You made Coca-Cola come out of my nose somewhat explosively. It was a good laugh, though a bit painful.

  22. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, doesn’t mean he’s not listening. No wait. Actually it does.Cause God is dead. And floating in the Arctic ocean. When the ice caps are gone, we’ll find his body.

  24. Maybe god is not listening because (s)he’s Busy on Twitter. Thats what my children say to me, after all, ‘ Mommy’s not listening. She’s too busy on Twitter.’

  25. God is trying to listen, but Jesus has his metal music turned up all the way again and MEDAMMIT JESUS WHERE DID I GO WRONG? JESUS! JESUS! FUCK.

  26. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. Did you remember to take a number?

  28. I’m a priest and I’m here to tell you that I get too much religious kitten blackmail. I hate that crap. I think there should be a koan that says If you meet a religious kitten on the road, kill it. Of course that would be a Buddhist kitten, so that won’t help me much.

  29. #18=PERFECT! Also, I’ll be coming back often today to see if any of the quote-unquotes stop by to vomit bile on your comments. : )

  30. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just distracted trying to keep his son from going after brains. Zombie Jesus, yo.

  31. As a Christian, I can’t stand those emails. I can show God’s love without sending out emails and telling people that they need to send them too, just to prove that they love God. It’s ridiculous.. It’s about a relationship, not rules and religion, right?

  33. @jiggs MEDAMMIT! AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jenny, you seriously have the funnest, cleverest fans. I’m not clever but I am a fan. Of you and your fans. : )

  34. Where can I find a Bible study guide on incorporating vampires into prayers? And do they have to be the modern sparkling vampires, or would the half-zombie Nosferatu type work? Because I really hate the sparkly ones. To make up for the lack of sparkle, I’d TOTALLY give Nosferatu a Ferrari for his prayer chase scene. That’d make it ok, right?

  35. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. Now go make him a sandwich so he can watch the game.

  37. Lol really out loud!!! Maybe you got the wrong God after all All those sects have their own(One True) so maybe you got the second in command—-i am still looking for a Beyonce, Marilyn

  38. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It just means you were not recommended to God by Nathan Fillion

  40. He just can’t hear you over the crow of screaming fucking kids in Panera. *stabs own eyes out*

  42. You crack me up! And, if you’re ever up in my neck of the woods I have some “good Christians” that could learn a few things from you including our asshole Prime Minster!

  45. Um. I’m a missionary, which pretty much makes me an authority on these kinds of things, so I can say with that tone of voice that says “I know what I’m talking about and you don’t” that you and your sister are, like, 100% correct. God is pleased. ( I know, because I’m a *missionary*)

  48. I’d been pondering for some time what to call the Croatian Death Metal band I’m in the process of putting together, and I’m happy to announce that you have solved our dilemma!

    Religious Kitten Blackmail would like to formally thank you and offer you a 5% cut of all future album sales. I’ll have my people draw up paperwork and send it your way.

  49. God was totally listening. But you are fucking boring and he had to down couple of god-sized chalices of wine slushies to deal, got wasted and blacked out.

    Now he’s got a hangover worthy of a deity and really isn’t feeling your kitten covered bullshit. Maybe offer up a glass of water and a bottle of Advil.

  50. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It means he’s helping someone else out with their problems, instead. Try having a worse problem.

  51. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He just thinks making you a sparkly vampire is a douchy idea.

    or

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just busy playing snooker with Satan. What? Guy’s got to have a day off.

  52. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means that he’s already listening to the prayers of that one chick at work who totally hates you.

    Next time you get stuck in rush hour traffic while you have severe intestinal distress, don’t blame God. Blame Pam.

  53. DId people seriously get upset about the sugar post?! I mean, if so, why do they even read you?
    Everyone knows God loves kittehs more than anyone else. Nothing says guilty like a kitteh.

  54. I’m with Kathy, #11. God’s sitting back with a bag of popcorn, watching. Probably laughing his ass off/shaking his head at your antics. Although if God really is out there, he’s probably laughing his ass off coz he’s got a great sense of humor. You can tell by the boneheads with no sense of humor that he’s put out here for us to laugh at.

  55. The Flying Spaghetti Monster always has time to touch all of us with his Noodly Appendage. He doesn’t give out presents though. And I am not sure of his policy on kittens.

  59. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean He’s not listening. In fact, He’d appreciate it if you’d give Him an excuse to get away from that narcissistic mo’fo’ who just will not SHUT UP and leave Him alone!!!

    Also? You are awesome. Please never stop!

  61. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It means he/she is making sure the Jersey Shore reality show finally gets cancelled out of the air.

    LOVED IT!

  62. I have #2 brand Beetus and I’m here to tell you, sugar is at fault. Sugar and Wilford Brimley. Together they conspired against my pancreas, and Brimley twitched his magic mustache and now I keep finding toes all over the house. Thanks, Wilford. Thanks, Imperial Sugar.

  64. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just listening to ME! It’s all about ME, ya know. Sorry. And The Boy made the team so I know he is listening to ME!

  65. God seems to have a sick sense of humour (depeche mode) so he probably LOVES you very very much. 🙂

  66. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean He’s not listening. He just forgot to turn up His hearing aid.

  67. Maybe instead of locusts, you’ll both be visited by swarms of rabid god kittens. Now THAT would be somethin’. Huh? Right? Huh?

  68. Some God said, “Jen shall eat her Wheaties!”
    But instead she wrote all about sweeties
    So He round up her fans
    And cut off their hands
    And gave them Type 2 diabetes

  73. Ahh… so this is a genetic thing. Are your parents funny too?

    I will save you both a seat in Hell. We’ll have the fun table.

  74. Maybe God just doesn’t speak English? Did anyone ever think of that? Jesus was Jewish, right? I’m pretty sure that means he spoke Hebrew. He conversed with God on a regular basis. Ergo, God speaks Hebrew and the reason that He doesn’t answer your prayers is that He doesn’t know what the hell you’re saying!

    Think on that. Ha.

  78. I can’t believe you have a priest and missionaries reading your blog! That says how powerful you have become!

    Eww, now I’m thinking I should be afraid of you?!

  79. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It actually means he is too busy listening to those with Type 2 diabetes.

  81. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening, it just means he’s letting you squirm because he needed a good laugh. Or potentially creating drama is his way of watching the soaps…

  82. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening.
    Oh, wait. Yes it does.

  83. What happens if you don’t pray or believe “GOD” exists, and that christianity we are raised to believe in is basically mental slavery?

  86. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean He’s not listening- He’s too busy reading coverage of Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

  87. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’ll help you as soon as he gets three stars on every level of Angry Birds! Can’t he even play a little Angry Birds without being bothered?! God!

  88. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means that he’s plotting the best way to smite you.

  89. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening, he’s too busy on Facebook and Twitter and reading The Bloggess… he does have taste, you know!!

  90. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just busy embarrassing the sh*t outta Jesus screaming “WOLVERINES” at the Pearly Gates pick up counter.

  91. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. It means he is a concept made up by primitive people to explain natural phenomena and alleviate their apprehension of the unknown, while simultaneously introducing a widespread moral culture to control the behavior of the populace through fear and reward.

  92. I think God does listen. Otherwise I would probably have 4 more kids.

    “God Please don’t let her be pregnant. god please don’t let he be pregnant.”

  93. I positively absolutely HATE those emails. Like God is sitting around waiting for me to forward some spam laden crap with a topping of guilt before He gives a flip about my life. Yea, He’s just on pins and needles waiting for me to hit “forward” seriously? Personally I think He’s sifting through the “we need rain send the hurricane this way” prayers and the “please don’t trash my beach place” prayers and the surfer dude prayers, and just got just said “enough” and we got an earthquake. From NC if that wasn’t obvious. He’s also been busy with me-my brother shot his wife and then deposited his daughter (7) on my dad’s doorstep and then shot himself. So you, know maybe if I’d shut up you could get a word in edgewise.

  94. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean He’s not listening. He just thinks that what you want is way less fun than what He wants for you. I mean, fun for Him.

    That might mean that He will have something more fun planned for your future than say.. Beyonce, although that might take supernatural power to pull off.

  95. Brilliant, I love these. I’ll be in hell right along with you. I understand our reserved table is the big one in the Blasphemer lounge, with Martin and Sinatra providing the floor show.

  97. Did you know that if you yell “WOLVERINES!” in a hotel restroom it echoes. Oh, it also makes people in the stall drop their cell phone.

  99. I love that in the course of reading these God begins to crystalize in the mind’s eye as Regina George of Mean Girls. This pleases me.

  100. Anytime I get an email that I actually want to forward, I delete the blackmail section before sending it. That way, if they don’t forward, I’ll have company in hell. Also, if your sister’s ever away and out of Internet range (maybe working as a missionary to try and redeem herself for all the deleted kitten emails), I’d like to apply for the temporary sister position. I’ve never had a sister, but I have three foul-mouthed brothers, so I think I’ll catch on pretty quickly.

  101. Just becaue God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means he’s too busy playing Where in the World is Carmon San Diego.

    “hmmm….not in New Orleans…not in Japan..not in Haiti.. Nope, not on the east coast…”

  102. This blog was EXACTLY what I needed today!! I’m almost out of beef jerky and diet DP. My iPad also hates me today. Having one of those days I wish I had stayed in bed. But, your post not only made me smile, it made me laugh. Not an easy feat today. I always thought God wasn’t listening because I attended the “wrong” church growing up. This whole post makes me feel better about all that. 🙂

    Erin 🙂

  103. I think God totally answers you prayers- its just you are praying for the wrong things. Try praying for something else, you know like a cure for sugar induced diabetes. (No I can’t let it go- the people who were so humorless and incredibly cowardly commenting as various versions of “anonymous” here yesterday kind of pissed me off.)

  105. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. Speak up a little bit, he’s been around for a while, gone hard of hearing lately. Maybe try yelling. Yell your prayers at God.

    That always works well for the people on the street screaming about the end being nigh.

  107. God would answer your prayers, but He cannot remember his Yahoo! mail account password.

    And, He didn’t set up any challenge questions, so He is totally screwed.

  111. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It simply means he doesn’t feel you deserve to have good things in your life because you’re a prick.

    or
    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means that he doesn’t feel very Christian-ish when he fulfills prayers wishing people’s exes would “just fucking die already”.

  112. Hey Vinobaby, I’m sure Jenny would be happy to put any of the above on a t-shirt for you to wear at Thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws.

  115. bwahahahaha my kids all think i’m insane now from laughing at this. Yes obviously talking about God not answering prayers is not as controversial as talking about sugar. it’s alright though I got your back

  116. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably just knocking some other married chick up with his child right now, and can’t get back to you while proving that even abstinence doesn’t work very well.

  117. to the author of comment #91, that is the bes explanation of religion I have read yet. Sums it up for moi and Jenny, WOLVERINES!

  118. Jenny, I read your blog all of the time. My first experience of it was an email link to your site about your trip to Belize (we go there every two years with my husband’s family… S/N: they always threaten to take me to Guatemala and leave me there.), and I’ve been hooked ever since. The moral of my story: you can tell when it’s someone’s first time reading your blog, and they don’t understand your sense of humor. 99% of us get you, the other 1%… well, they need to find a different blog to read.

  120. Umm… I totally read the original version wrong at first and I think it’s a preatty good one: “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just got something better to do.”

  121. I get the same response when I get snarky with my limericks. The last ones I did were for a couple of flasks. *g* I was bummed I wasn’t allowed to do an Edward Gorey themed set.

  126. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Hell — assuming I’m totally wrong and there is a Hell — is going to be a delightful place full of the awesomest people. You included, of course. See ya there!

  127. God is a she and She thinks you’re totally hilarious. Which is why bad stuff happens to you. You wouldn’t be NEARLY as funny if you’re life was awesome. When painful things happen to you, you should THANK GOD that She gave you good material to write about.

  128. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, doesn’t mean He’s not listening because Flying Spaghetti Monster works in mysterious ways.

  129. Listen – God IS busy – with athletes, with helping actors win Academy Awards, with Musicians and Grammys… So cut God some slack, ok? Plus God made baby animals, so I love God. And FYI, God didn’t make cancer. The devil did. So BACK OFF sister! (PS you are the master blogger and I would worship at the alter of the Bloggess if it weren’t so idolatrous). http://www.TheGrownupGirl.com

  130. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening, he just needs you to do your own dirty work

  131. Listen, God IS busy – with athletes, with Academy Award winners, Grammy winners… so back off God, sister! Plus, God didn’t make cancer, the DEVIL did. Duh. (PS I adore your blogs and would happily worship at the altar of The Blogess if it weren’t so idolatrous-y.)

  134. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean He’s not listening. It just means he was preoccupied with all things Kim Kardashian. That bitch has everything.

  135. i concur w/ DMI Wench: I’m not falling for religious kitten blackmail.” is the best phrase of the month so far….

  138. “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers…oh wait, He does. Sometimes he just says No.” #8

    And sometimes he says “FUUUCCCCKKKKKKK no, gurl! You cray cray.”
    And I’m all like, “Yeah, you right, dog.”
    And then He’s like, “Word.”
    “Amen.”

  139. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It means he’s a lousy shot and tried to answer your prayers but he accidentally hit the person standing next to you.

  140. God might not answer your prayers because you’re spending your time sendning emails that God doesn’t read. Jesus hates chain emails too!
    And I’m a Christian woman….so get off your ass and DO something….no more threatening emails or text message forwards. Really?! I’m denying Jesus is I don’t send out 10 more texts? I don’t think so. Preeety sure he doesn’t give a crap about emails and texts…..I’m going to guess he’s really worried about that whole free will thing….and you know maybe, real things that matter.

  143. According to Steven Hawking, God doesn’t answer your prayers because He doesn’t have time. Well actually Hawking doesn’t think God exists, but the reason he doesn’t think God exists is because there wasn’t any time before the Big Bang for God to have done anything creative. I know. It doesn’t make any sense to me either, but the fact remains that all of you and your sister’s ideas about God – as well as all the ideas of all your comenters – make way more sense than the musings of the most totally brilliant cosmologist in the whole freaking universe. I didn’t even know that theoretical physicists wore make-up, did you?

  145. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably still dealing with the other billions of requests from people who can’t get it done on their own.

    Or he’s bouncing off the clouds on an Imperial Sugar high.

    Love your website more and more every single day. Thank you for existing.

  146. My new mission from God is to put on sunglasses at night, and go around with large quantities of glitter, making old school vampires live up to today’s exacting standards. Vampires are never going to survive if they don’t change with the times.

  147. just because god doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. it means he’s playing with kittens. which is why the email was covered in kittens. you’re not a ‘bad christian’ for not passing the MESSAGE on. you’re a ‘bad christian’ for not covering EVERYTHING with kittens.

    obvs.

  148. –>Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening, he’s just busy giving the East Coast something to talk about non-stop like an earthquake.
    I wish California would stop laughing at us already.

  149. So… this is where everyone comes for a hit of funny shit!
    Everyone commenting here – you are all too funny & friggin’ AWESOME! The streets of Athens are now wondering if there’s a crazed hyena on the loose. Cheers for the chuckles!

  151. Are you sure you’re not my sister in disguise? I think we’ve had that EXACT same conversation.

  152. Also, re: kittens. I’ve heard that every time someone masturbates, God kills a kitten. Is this true? Or is my uberfrustration for naught?

  153. Well hell’s fire and little fishes, God is gonna be mad at the two of you bad Christian heathens!

    OR he is as amused as everyone else and will answer your prayers 🙂

  155. @Ali Thanks! Now I’ll be loking for an appropriate kitten photo to caption with “I can haz Jesus?”

  156. I’m not going to try to be clever, I can’t top you or your sister, or anyone who’s commented. You are all way too funny!

  157. Hey, Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, glad you could drop by and, you know, take a position on this one.

  158. OMG, this is a funny chain of posts.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, doesn’t mean he’s not listening… or maybe it does! Maybe God is capricious and he just doesn’t feel like answering your prayers.

    Or maybe God is an alien and he’s out exploring in his spaceship and/or has no interest in any of us anymore because he’s busy ruling other worlds.

    Or better yet, isn’t God now Castiel? (cheap ‘Supernatural’ reference)

  160. He’s busy. Get in line. I asked first.

    Think of the wait in the bakery (ya know getting diabetes. (type 2 for you humorless people)). Now multiply that wait by the number of people in the universe. I suggest you let the Godly elevator music play and keep busy in the mean time…

  161. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he wasn’t listening… It means he just doesn’t like you, or anyone else on this planet. He has already given control of this planet over to Jesus younger, not quite as bright, brother that no one has heard about– Skippy. Skippy went to all the best schools, but he didn’t learn anything because after all when you have dad smite a professor or two word gets around and no one fails you no matter how dumb you are. So anyway Skippy is now in charge of the prayer request from Earth but really he’s not listening he is sitting around playing on Facebook and Twitter, so if you want to get a prayer request answered you will have to friend request Skippy.

  163. Personally, I think God’s too busy trying to order his own Beyonce the giant metal chicken.
    I bet shipping rates for a 5 ft tall statue, all the way to heaven, are fucking INSANE!!!

  164. Being a christian. I think, just god doesn’t answer your prayers means he has something better to do like give those winners of the lottery a chance to win their millions because their better than you. (sarcasm meanted) also the starving kids… He’s helping those too.

    I’m a christian but I don’t lose the irony that he’s busy helping other people. Surely he should be helping everyone… Maybe I’m a bitter Christian, who knows.

  166. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening….it means that SHE is pissed because you keep referring to HER as a him. Besides, SHE is very busy confounding Madame Bachmann and Goofenor Perry in a very provocative effort to demonstrate to the unread masses just how stupid they can be if they don’t go to school and actually _learn_ science.

    That….and SHE has as terrific sense of humor and you are, after all, amusing….in the best possible way.

  167. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he wasn’t listening… You probably just called on Jim Carrey’s shift.

  168. Well, if he’s anything like my father, he’s listening… he just “can’t understand a damn word you said ’cause you always mumble your words together! When you speak so I can understand what the hell you’re sayin’, maybe I’ll answer you!”

  169. I love your blog posts!
    No matter how bad of a mood I’m in, your totally inappropriate (read: hilarious) posts never fails to cheer me up! (I know, I know… I just made your day. You’re welcome!)

    And being a Buddhist, I’m going to hell according to every religion with a hell.
    I like my way better. I fuck up, I just get a re-do… I fuck up royally, I get demoted to a dog or horse or some sort of leggy creature. The process continues until I get it right and then I get to blip into oblivion. Oh Nirvana… I’m not sure I want to see you yet 😉

  170. Let me get this straight – SUGAR limerick is like the third rail but there are no nasty snarky comments on here about this topic?

    I can only conclude one thing: Your readers are going to die of diabetes and meet up in hell. We are gonna have a lot of fun!

  171. Also I think the Coalition Against Christian Kitten Blackmail needs to hear about this.

  172. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he is not listening, it just means the batteries in the remote died and he’s stuck on the Lifetime channel.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he is not listening. It just means he is too busy trying to explain to a blonde how to screw in a light bulb. (I am blonde for the record.)

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he is not listening. It just means he is too addicted to playing World of Warcraft.

  173. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It’s probably just because your prayers are really stupid and he doesn’t want you to to be bullied by non-celestial beings because you’re lame.

  174. I would pray to God to smite you, but the line is busy. 😉 God Bless. (I feel odd giving God an order, make that a gentle request instead.)

  175. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It probably just means God is deaf. Try enunciating more.

  176. i’m pretty sure these quotes make you awesome. if you’re going to hell for this, or attacked by swarms of locusts… i’m pretty sure i’ll be right there with you… being eaten by those rabid locusts.

  177. One has to consider going for something that’s less busy like becoming a Wiccan so you can just pick whichever deity you want from whatever pantheon you fancy from whatever Olde Religion happens to be most fashionable at whatever point in time your seeking assistance. You can’t top that shit. It evolves.

  178. I am always the last one to this party it seems – damn work-internet filtering everything…..

    Anyway, what will it take to have you and your sister copy me on all your correspondence? Emails like this would SURELY make my workday go by much faster!

  179. I am offended. The very idea that God is sitting around watching Real Housewives of New York is offensive.

    You know he has his hands full with those New Jersey girls.

  180. I would much rather get your email than than the original one. If making fun of sappy people is wrong then I don’t want to be right.

  181. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He just refuses to acknowledge anything that’s ungrammatical. And he KNOWS when you’re saying “their” when you really mean “they’re”. Learn the fucking difference; it’s not that goddamn difficult.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just got caught in his spam filter because anything with the phrase “larger penis” automatically goes there.

  182. Just because God isn’t answering your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just biding his time until you become a multi-platinum rap artist rapping about Jesus Kittens and you thank him properly at the Grammys. God loves a good pussy rap

  186. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean s/he isn’t listening it simply means s/he was thinking about cats again. Cats in bowties in baskets on rainbows. And how to hug EVERY cat. (Thus, the kitten infused blackmail email).

  187. You’re so lucky… my sister would have been the one to send the message and I would be all, “Hey… could you let Michelle Bachmann know that I’d like to have a word with God, since she’s his PR lacky and all?” And she’d be like, “I’ll pray for you…” and then she’d go serve soup to the homeless or some such shit while I blew the last $200 in my checking account on a fabulous Ed Hardy bag on Zappos and lied to my husband about how I’d had it for YEARS and he just hadn’t noticed. True freaking story.

  188. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. It means he doesn’t care. If God loved you, he would give you a camel, that’s how you can tell who his chosen people are.
    Sorry to break it to y’all.

  190. Oprah is busy enough taking care of her mega-empire. Of course she doesn’t care (or isn’t listening) to your prayers.

  191. If you don’t forward this email to 143 of your closest friends within the next 13 hours and 56 minutes, it means you don’t love God. Or Jesus. Or any of those other people in the bible, except maybe Satan. It definitely means you don’t love kittens. And, it just gives everyone proof that you eat babies and kill puppies. But, don’t feel any pressure or anything. Because, as good Christians, we don’t want to make you feel bad about yourself. Unless you don’t forward this email. Then we’re totally going to shun you. Yep, shun. And we’re not even Amish.

  192. See, obviously you need to be less controversial Jenny.. talk about God, NOT sugar! What were you thinking?? =)

  194. Lol this had me cracking up because I just got one of these in my email and clicked delete immediately before I ever got through the sunject line. I guess I shall see you in hell too.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  195. Whoever sent you that spam totally ripped off Garth Brooks, “Unanswered Prayers”. Since they’re all shits anyway, spammers should at least strive to be more original.

  199. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. In your specific case, though, he’s totally not listening.

  201. Maybe God isn’t answering your prayers because he has his headphones on and is listening to his favorite playlist. The one with Motörhead and Rammstein.

  203. God isn’t answering your prayers because he’s too busy hanging with American middle class teenagers at christian retreats where they listen to christian rock, speak in tongue and faint from his awesomeness. That’s where He really spends all his time. Not in Africa where kids are parentless from the AIDS epidemic, no, not there. Just good old American middle class teenage christian retreats.

  204. Gad WAS listening to your prayers, and he laughed his ass off and we had an earthquake. So shut up, your prayers are destroying the planet. Jerk.

  205. Rabid locust?!? Someone told me they were gonna zombie locust… shit. Thought I was covered with this giant hamster ball space helmet.

    God’s probably on Twitter, spraying his screen with Mountain Dew while yelling “I didn’t say that!”…

  206. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening, he’s just too busy asking Satan to create a special room for the moms from Toddlers and Tiaras.

    Amen.

  207. Just because God doesn’t give you what you want doesn’t mean he’s not answering your prayers. He’s God, not Santa, dammit.

  208. I am 100% certain that we should be friends, or better yet, we should be related. My mother and I crack up over your blog and I hope you never stop writing!

  209. FYI, I want you two to be MY sisters! We have very similar conversations, but they don’t sound as… smart ass as yours, which I LOVE

  210. God isn’t listening to you prayers because he’s just busy with all those Duggers. C’mon Duggers, save a little J-man for us. Your name starts with a J, that probably means your higher on his list that me.

  211. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably waiting with baited break like the rest of us for the religious kitten blackmail t-shirt and cards to be posted at the store!

  212. Jenny, you make my day. 🙂 I love how you don’t give a sh*t whether people are offended, or not. Soooo refreshing in this sometimes ridiculously PC world.

  213. God isn’t listening to you prayers because he’s just busy with all those Duggers. C’mon Duggers, save a little J-man for us.

  214. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It means no-one speaks ancient Aramaic anymore. Try a non-linguistic form of expression, such as donning a hair shirt or self-flagellation. Even if God dosn’t answer you, at least you’ve had some fun trying.

  215. 207 comments and not one single bitch? Just a lot of limericks and (continued) diabeetus jokes? Fuck me, I love this blog!

    Also: Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean He’s not listening. God doesn’t do what man can do for himself. So get off your fat, lazy ass and take care of it yourself, you incontinent twit.

  217. Personally, I keep my praying down to hoping that hot chick in the badly planned outfits boob will fall out and the desperate praying as you break out into a cold sweat as you are desperately praying for divine intervention when the toilet is soooo damn far away and my stomach is sooo damn eager to show me what it just made!

  219. Jesus loves you, but God thinks you’re an asshole.

    PS I’ve waited all day to read these comments because I was looking forward to a flaming of epic proportions. Do Type 1 diabetics not believe in God or something?

  220. Pft. You people are so funny. I’d like to point out that Satan is the best employee I’ve ever had. When you people need punishment, he’s there for me. Need a test to see if you’re “worthy”? Yup, he’s up to task. Shit. He’s been so good to me I sent him to Texas where I made sure it would only rain 1/4″ per month for the entire state! He’s back on station come November though. Not that it matters to you people, but you’ve been warned.

  221. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean He’s not listening, he’s just ignoring you because all you ever do is whine and bitch about being single and needing a man. Seriously? you think God is going to deliver the perfect man to your doorstep? He’s not a freaking dating service!

    My friend keeps whining on Facebook about being single and asking for God’s help in finding a man, it has gotten extremely annoying.

  225. Oh my Lord….I’m wetting myself laffing here. I actually wasn’t going to read your blog again after having read yesterday’s post about sugar (my daughter and husband have T1 diabetes and I thought yesterday’s post, and the limerick, weren’t entirely appropriate….I didn’t say anything, it’s up to you what you want to write, and I don’t have a complete sense of humour failure…..but I thought I wouldn’t read the blog again). Anyway, I visited today because I wanted to tell a friend about yesterday’s post, and share the link with her – she was interested in why I hadn’t liked the limerick. Now I’m a convert, haha! Brilliant!

  226. PS. I love how you don’t care if people are offended, too. I wasn’t actually majorly offended yesterday, just a little put out. Lesson learned. Sorry! 🙂

  227. Love Eric’s spam comment (181).
    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean He’s not listening, he’s just paying attention to all the reality TV contestants’ prayers.

  229. The Bloggess = The Awesomeness

    Thanks for the constant reminders that no matter how funny people tell me I am, I will never be as funny as you and scads of your fans, lol LOVE your blog, LOVE your fans and I guess I LOVE me too, since I’m your newest fan

  231. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening, it just means he’s too busy laughing his arse off reading the Bloggess’ latest post…just try praying when Jenny eventually goes to sleep.

  232. See what happens when you try to be all sensitive and politically correct.

    You make me smile Jenny, Thank you.

  233. Okay, seriously…you have to do something with this idea. Whether it’s an anti-chain letter passed around the world or a tongue-in-cheek coffee table book…

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean He’s not listening, it’s just that dude is so old He can’t figure out how to work His iPad. And who wants to receive snail mail in Aramaic? Answer your own damn prayers. Seriously.

  234. Actually, God does answer. Sometimes it’s in a really, really quiet voice, something like “Turn left now.” The problem is I’m a little deaf, and probably talking to a friend, or singing along with the radio, so… yeah.

  236. Honestly, who gets offended over the blog post of someone they don’t even know? Is the pancreas directly connected to the sense of humor? Maybe it’s just candy withdrawal.

  237. I have had a conversation like that with my sister – she sends the email out and I respond, “Kitten blackmail! NOOO!” and it just goes downhill from there.

  238. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening, he is just distracted by all the people having sex right now!

    You make me smile and my day better!

  239. were we separated at birth? i wish i would of found this blog sooner. except im a little troubled with one of your readers as she spelled laughing “laffing” but hey, take what you can get.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening, it just means he’s too busy fapping his thunder stick to Emma Stone, like Jim Carey.

  241. That’s it… I’m sending religious kitten blackmail cards at Christmas. Because then they will all have to do as I say because you can’t ignore the kitteh!

  242. Lisa is absolutely right {114}. Unless God is a woman. In which case, She may still be using an antiquated customer service system and probably won’t catch up with your prayers until 2098. Just be patient. Maybe have a cup of coffee while you wait.

  245. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. He’s too busy finding a new doctor willing to impregnate octomom with 12 more babies.

  246. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s busy watching reality TV wondering where he went wrong.

  247. I think probably the main reason God doesn’t answer most prayers is because She’s much too polite to say “Please. Really. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. and stop bothering me every 5 minutes.” Or She is answering, just saying no. St. Theresa of Avila said that more tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.

  248. No…no…stop…he’s listening…he listens to me all the time…I’m sure he’s just busy…or working really hard…just because he hasn’t answered after the first 100 times doesn’t mean he’s screening…I mean our first communion together was great…why wouldn’t we have another one…I mean it’s not like I’m needy…I’m not needy…I just want to be loved…isn’t that what we all want…that doesn’t make me a bad person…Maybe he called back now…I should check my voicemail…again…for the 3rd time this hour….

  250. – Blasphemous Religious Jokes = totally funny and appropriate, even for religious folk
    – Dirty Limerick for Sugar = completely polarizing and inappropriate and probably means you are going to hell, you inconsiderate bitch!

    Go figure . . .

    Oh, and I’ve been told that I will actually be driving the bus to Hell. I will save you and your sister a seat. BEEP BEEP!!

  251. I would tend to think he/she (why always a he????) is very concerned with the impending ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE…HELLO!

  252. Well, if I were god, I’d be spending all my time creating giant, divine cupcakes to shove into my giant, divine mouth. And, since, in this scenario, I’m god, I can’t get fat, nor can I get cupcake sick, have high cholesterol, etc. ; so, with no risk of getting fat, vomiting, heat attack, or (dare I say it?) diabetes, I have no reason to listen to your prayers because all it would do is distract me from yet another giant, divine, cupcake.

  253. OMG – I just read the sugar limrick and proceeded to forward it to 20 people with the subject line “why “most” PR groups should not be in charge of blogger relationships – HENCE the word relationship” but now I am snorting diet coke out my nose laughing.

    Will you be my new best friend please!

    PS I fully expect to get hate mail over the bashing of PR agencies – but seriously folks am I wrong?

  255. No, no God doesn’t answer because He hates everyone. I mean think about the movies about him… Ten commandments, etc. He is just a grumpy guy waiting to smite someone.

  256. It’s actually not Christian to believe in superstition, which is exactly what all the threats in those email forwards are… So anyone who claims to be Christian who forwards those is being a damn hypocrite.
    God would be so disappointed, and that’s why he isn’t answering your prayers.
    Also, stop thinking so highly of yourself as though your prayers deserve to be answered.
    Maybe a little humble behavior and good deeds will get your prayers answered.

    I love that I did not see one person who was offended by this!!
    Best blog ever, best blog readers. If this were a bar I would hang out with all of you every day. It wouldn’t HAVE to be a bar, a coffee shop would be fine, I’m just saying I would associate in public with you all and not just in the privacy of the internet. Good people!

  257. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. He’s too fuckin’ busy trying to figure out who gets to go to heaven in advance of Armageddon – which, by the state of affairs in the world (if not just the US), is pretty close – so give him a fuckin’ break!

    Your family get-togethers must ROCK!

  258. …it’s because he’s mourning the resignation of Steve Jobs – one of his more innovative creations. There goes the iGod project.

  259. I don’t personally have a problem with God, you know b/c he has lightening and locus and earthquakes and tsunamis and all those other “Acts of God’ it’s his fan club I’m not particularly fond of.
    Maybe God was out there begging them to find a new mascot? Like Glenn Beck.

  261. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening, hes just out searching for a giant metal chicken to put beside the Pearly Gates

  262. It is my hope that God’s been busy trying to keep Kate Gosselin off the air. At. All. Costs. I’m OK with my prayers being ignored for this cause. Just kidding. I don’t pray.

  263. I love the fact that everyone is OK with trash talking God but dare you suggest that sugar consumption is linked to diabetes – GASP! That’s morally offensive! I <3 you all.

  267. I don’t even know where to begin. Fucking awesome is one place to begin. Giggling madly while I should be working is another place to start. Trying to come up with me own, and finding that my work day is FUCKED now is yet another way to go.

    Thank you, Jenny, for ruining another work day.

  272. I’m so glad that you’re going to hell too! I’ll look for you in the bathroom when I arrive. I already know what you look like – I’ll be the one wearing a lily.

  273. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening, it means he is forwarding similar God themed emails to his friends so that he can remain a “good christian”

  277. I recently found your blog, thanks to the crew over at Epbot. You are fucking hysterical!

  279. I hate to be the one to break this to you BUT…..

    God doesn’t answer your prayers because he can’t concentrate on doing anything with all those freakin’ whispering voices in his head……. It’s like Sybil but times 19 billion, million, trillion times worse.

  280. It doesnt mean he’s not listening, he just doesn’t speak English- you stupid American!

  281. You’d get hate mail for this? I think this is along the lines of “I can only assume they’ve never read my blog before.”

  283. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably just too busy helping Nathan Fillion shop for twine.

  284. Thankyou for praying to God. Your prayer has been placed in a queue. Your prayer is important to us, and will be answered by God as soon as possible. You are currently number 119,832,678,463,846,238,549,713,971 in the queue. If you would to leave your number for us to call you back, please do so after the beep, otherwise a representive will be with you shortly……
    BEEEEEEEEP

  286. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean He’s not listening. He could be stuck on the toilet because someone forgot to change the toilet paper roller. But then again probably not He’s God, he performs miracles. Like that of changing the toilet paper roller. So he probably doesn’t really care. At. All.

  288. Maybe God heard you’re prayers and didn’t answer because he was too busy doing shit, like you should be doing instead of praying asshole!

  289. Just because god doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It just means he’s eaten too many Cheetos and his fingers are covered in doodle dust.

    Doodle dust is an nigh-pandemic problem in heaven.

  290. Just because God doesn’ t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he’s not listening, It just means you are meant to bring spiritual knowledge through humor to millions then die a horrible, slow, violent and painful death.

    Kay?

    XOXO- Heidi

  291. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It means that he was busy at the Kardashian after-wedding parties, sampling the goodies at the open bar. He got ripped. Really ripped.

  293. Rabid locusts is on God’s bucket list. He’s a bit embarrassed that he brought Jesus back to life 2000 years ago but he can’t quite figure out how to get anyone rabid to bite a locust without killing it. They’re fragile and not very appetizing. And its hard to generate interest within the scientific community for creating rabies in locusts. Not even Bill Gates or the D.O.D. sees their potential. They’re all “rabid locusts is such a B.C. scourge” and “The bomb is so awesome for mass devastation.” God tries to be happy cause splitting atoms is pretty freakin’ awesome and he does have S.E.A.L.s and rabid dogs for picking off bad people one at a time but its hard when you have nobody to pray to but yourself and your billion year old to-do list item just sits there mocking you from those granite tablets. Anyway, God’s not answering your prayers not because he’s busy but because he’s embarrassed and feeling a wee bit stabby.

    I’m pretty sure the apocalypse could be averted if mankind banded together and got God 1 pack of rabid locusts. Show God the love and he’ll show you the love. Win-win.

  295. I am a Christian and I approve this blog post. The nutters who send those emails SHOULD be criticized for their obnoxious, skewed, hackneyed opinion of God and prayer. They make my God sound like a loser. GAH I hate those kitten-plastered, guilt-mongering chain letters!

  298. I always thought I was the only one that amused God, and made Jesus cry, holding his head in his hands, muttering to himself “I died for THIS?”

    But now I realize I have a comrade in crazy. Thank you, and that is all.

  299. God listens to your prayers…and he’ll answer when he’s damn well good and ready so STOP BEING SO FREAKIN’ PUSHY!

    And of course god has a sense of humor.

    If in doubt, go stand in front of a mirror and do a bunch of nekkid jumping jacks. That shit’s hilarious.

  304. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It just means he’s calling every radio trying to win tickets to the sold out I Heart Radio show in Vegas next month. Listening to all those radio stations at once is loud…and he has selective hearing, like my mother, hearing only what’s important to him at that precise moment in time, so unless you have tickets that you are willing to part with, you’re fucked.

  305. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening; it means he’s offshored customer service.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening; it means he’s given up on this stupid human experiment.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening; it means he thinks you’re a douche-canoe.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening; it means he’s getting his hairs did.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening; it means he’s an asshole.

    Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening; it means he’s a figment of your imagination.

  306. wow, great responses…… there’s just so many great ones.
    BTW
    I can’t find a giant chicken, but I did find a giant rusty bird made with some large chunk of lava rock and some rusty rebar, not sure what it was supposed to be except a counterpoint to the chicken?

  307. I decided a long time ago to break any chain letter that is sent to me. Whether it’s about religion, having luck, getting rich, being happy, getting more stuff etc…, it’s blackmail and someone pushing their agenda on me. It is one thing I usually tell my friends, although some still insist on sending me that crap! Some people just don’t care and some “forget”.

  308. ….are we supposed to be listening to people when they talk? LOL…I thought that was background noise or something! HA….T:)

  309. God didn’t answer your prayers because he was too busy giving my baby cancer, and also because you don’t believe in Jesus Kittens which everybody knows are true just like Satan Puppies.

  310. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means he’s busy trying to fix his broken sink that’s been leaking all over Scotland since forever.

  311. You are definitely going to hell. I hope we have adjacent seats. I’m bringing the fixings for s’mores!

  314. It could be that God’s answer is, “yeah, that ain’t gonna happen.” So maybe He IS answering your prayers 🙂

  315. Every time you break a chain letter from God, Wilford Brimley injects a kitten with high-fructose corn syrup until they get diabeetus (type 2, of course). Maybe you should start taking this shit seriously.

    Also, I’m a Christian, and I’m reasonably sure that these chain letters aren’t sent by God, but by Satan, who has been trying to tarnish the Big Man’s reputation for years by perpetuating superstitious chain-letters and forging God’s signature. Oh, and by convincing all God’s most public followers to behave like hypocritical asshats. Childish, really. That Satan guy is kind of a douche.

  317. I swear I’ve got to stop reading your posts while I’m drinking. Spitting sangria all over the place. So. Freakin’. Funny.

  318. umm. yeah. This post AND the comments that follow have made my stomach hurt with laughter. The fact that I’m consuming a bottle of wine makes them EVEN funnier.

  319. I feel like we should be best friends. Oh, and your sister should be my friend, too. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means you’re not trying hard enough. If you REALLY tried your best, he’d answer all your prayers.

  320. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means he’s busy talking to Rick Perry.

  323. How does God ever keep up with it anyway? I cant even cover my facebook.
    Funny stuff you have. Thanks.

  324. Just Because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean you should have faith…wait I didn’t mean that! What I means to say is…Just because you get fruit-cake for Christmas doesn’t mean God answers prayers. A quick Google search showed me that maybe I’m not even praying (which is true) and that is why God doesn’t answer my prayers. Or maybe I’m not praying at the right time (since I’m not praying at all…this must also be true). I couldn’t find a good answer to the right time to pray on-line but I’m thinking that maybe the best time (if your are Christian) is 3:33 AM as it represents the trinity three times…way super cool!

  326. Maybe God is so engrossed watching seventy nakid virgins dance, while he masterbates, is the reason he doesn’t have any time to answer any of our prayers!

  327. I am a waitress – and this reminds me of “tips” I have had left: pamphlets that look like money with the words “Your reward lies in the kingdom of heaven.” or something of that sort. I’ve had several of these left in lieu of a tip – or more frequently with $1 or $2 inside – which most often is less than 10%. I’m sure that my land-lord would be more than happy to take all those pamphlets in lieu of money – because after all “His reward lies in the kingdom of heaven” as well. Evidentally, I am a heathen since I work on Sundays. Maybe I should pray harder….

  329. I think that you have the funniest readers/commenters I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure god agrees, which is why he can’t answer your prayers: he’s too busy reading your comments and then he snorts and manna comes out his nose. Do you know what a mess manna-nose can be? Let’s just say that there’s a reason the northeast had both a hurricane AND an earthquake. It wasn’t the homo-sexshuls (sorry Pat Robertson and Michelle B.); it was the manna coming out god’s nose after reading your blog.
    Amen.

  331. LOL – so glad my daughter sent me to the Bloggess a while back. Had to comment on this one because I too, recently posted “Kellie P. You VIP!” about how god handled Kellie Pickler’s recent wedding plans! Stupid me – I thought it was the big bucket of money handed over to the 300-acre private island hotel in Antigua! http://dailyroadtrip.com/?p=452

  332. These made me laugh so hard and were SO what I needed today! I would be peeing myself constantly if we were friends… and happy to do it.

  333. I’m so glad that I had an incredibly shitty day, a divorce, and friends that don’t know what to say, so they send me your link to give me a good laugh. Beyonce and you really did it for me, and I got hooked. My friends know me so well that they know inappropriate humor will be my “happy place.” I hate emails like that – especially with kittens – I’ve just never responded to them.

    Also, I used your “douche canoe” phrase the other day… but liked you to it. It’s my new phrase. Thanks for blogging – you go well with my morning coffee!!

  336. My brother and I spent about 3 hours one night talking about making T-shirts featuring Jesus after I misread a street sign that I swear said “Jesus Loves Yoga.” All the shirts would feature Jesus in his palms-out-hands-by-his-sides stance with a smile on his face and say things like “Jesus Calls All-time Quarterback” (holding football in one palm) or “Jesus Loves Rodeo” (cowboy hat and lasso). His uber-Christian girlfriend was not amused…however, I like to think that Jesus would totally high-five me if I told him…the dude hung out with prostitutes, so it seems like he’d be pretty chill. Basically, I just want to assure you that if you are going to hell for family-related God-mocking, at least there will be a bunch of us there to mock together.

  337. I believe that God always answers prayers. Perhaps He answered my prayer with a ‘no’ or maybe He did answer my prayer and I just didn’t realize it.

    Moe

  338. Don’t worry about religious assholes who refuse to see the inherent hypocrasy in their beliefs (Jay Z obviously needs grammys more than poor African children need food, or am I an asshole for pointing out how fucking unbelievably unjust that is?).
    If god exists he MUST be either impotent or an asshole, I tend to put my bets on his not existing at all.

  340. Well, I love your writing and never commented, but always check in every day to see if there’s something new. Now I have to tell you that StumbleUpon just led me to your site OF IT’S OWN ACCORD. I’m so proud! *Sniff*

  341. Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He probably doesn’t exist.

  342. Reminds me of something a co-worker said to me, in regards to my rather difficult child: “God only gives you what he thinks you can handle.”

    To which I replied: “No, God is trying to determine my breaking point.”

  343. It could also be because “god” was sampling his perfect creation Tequila unto excess and forgot what the heck it was you asked him for.

  344. ME to my husband: OMFG I just found the perfect blog post by the Bloggess to send to my dad…probably not a good idea
    husband: probably not
    ME: my family is no fun…hmph

    so I sent this post to him at work

    husband: LOL
    ME: Did you read it?
    husband: it’s like you two are twins
    ME: Right?!
    My dad is a mormon church official and spams me with doctrine via email even though I have asked him not to.
    but this still made me laugh. Thanks.

  345. Hey there! I’ve been following your site for a while now and finally got the
    bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Atascocita Texas!
    Just wanted to say keep up the great work!

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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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