Alaska. It’s part of America. The end.

in phoning it in, Random Crap

I’m going through my journals from Alaska, and almost all of my notes are about playing bingo and how cold ice is.  I am the worst travel reporter ever.  But until I get my shit together, here’s Alaska:
IMG_8763

Almost all of my other pictures were of various cheesecakes on the ship buffet.  But in my defense, I really like cheesecake.  More later.  It’ll probably be about bingo.  I apologize in advance for sucking at this.

Updated: Also, I uploaded a video that I shot as we were nearing iceberg country.  It’s a video of the tv playing in our room.  No shit.  But there actually was a good reason:

Nice one, cruise-line.

133 thoughts on “Alaska. It’s part of America. The end.”

Read comments below or add one.

  7. That is well and truly amazing.

    It would have been even more fun if every once and a while they flicked the power off and on just to fuck with you.

    I’m glad your cruise ship didn’t smash into a giant block of ice forcing you into the icy depths and to abandon Victor while clutching a door that EASILY could have supported both of you.

    I like to think you would have probably shared with him a little. Or at the very least killed him rapidly and not filled his head with lies about how you would be together forever while letting him freeze to death.

  9. First: Amazing photo! Although, I think I would have preferred cheesecake. What can I say? Food porn.

    Second: Just be thankful the Titanic music wasn’t a hint of things to come.

  10. Any Baked Alaska on the dessert buffet? Or perhaps any baked guests attacking the cheesecake while in Alaska? Anyone who is voluntarily a cruise director deserves to get kicked off the lifeboat…unless she saved the cheesecake and is willing to share.

    Cheers.

  11. *giggles* did you run out on the balcony and scream “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD YA’LL!” Cos you totally should have 😀

  12. I was on a cruise a couple of weeks ago and had a massage. The music in the spa? The Titanic soundtrack! It made me giggle, only because we were headed to Bermuda so I figured I was safe from icebergs. But on a cruise in Alaska? That’s just screwing with the passengers. Sounds like something I would do if I were a cruise director.

  16. See? ‘Cause I think it would be hysterical to walk around quoting lines from Titanic. “ICEBERG! RIGHT AHEAD!” And, “I usually draw *landscapes*.”
    And now… my geek is TOTALLY showing because apparently I know too many lines from that movie. Excuse me while I go hang myself.

  17. OMG! That’s hilarious!! The video was the perfect final touch! I would have complained to the Director or something.. cuz .. that’s just WRONG! haha!

  22. Bloggess, I am disappointed that you did not post this yesterday when my post title was “I hate the bloggess” and was secretly a love letter to you. Now comment luv is just talking about hurricane irene. How boring!

  23. Is that picture edited or are those icebergs really that vibrantly blue? Great picture!

    (The picture is unedited, but the icebergs only looked that blue when the clouds were out. The blue is from the freshwater frozen in the glacier. ~ Jenny)

  25. The photo is beautiful, but I am WAY MORE interested in cheesecake. I mean you cant EAT an iceberg. Did the Titanic music create panic because I think I would have walked around with a life jacket on the whole time… foreshadowing, there for a reason.
    And Alaska should have been a part of Canada we are way more used to ice and snow. But you can keep Sarah. Thank me for that later.

  27. I took a cruise to Bermuda once and it was re-routed to Canada. I should have booked one to Alaska, I could have ended up in Hawaii

  29. So glad you got to see that, Jenny! Next time come up to the interior so I can buy you a margarita served in an sculpted-ice glass at the Ice Sculpture museum by the hot-springs. Fucking cold but REALLY awesome!! Fairbanks may not have glorious glaciers, mountains, or whales, but we got booze! And cheesecake. And wine slushies – that just happens _naturally_.

  30. Did you get to see anyone glacier boarding? It’s like surfing, but you hang out (in the water) hoping for a chunk of the ice to fall off. The force and motion from the falling ice is supposed to produce a tremendous amount of energy.
    Frankly, I have to think that you have to be mentally unhinged to do that.

  32. That is EXACTLY the job I want! I never get to passively mess with people at my job. I work in the Building & Zoning Department. What ominous songs are there about 2×4’s and building setbacks? None. I’ve checked.

  34. That is the most beautiful shade of blue I’ve ever seen.

    And you just KNOW someone must request the Titanic soundtrack every time, thinking they’re original. Then whoever’s in charge just sighs and hits the button labeled “Douchebag requested Titanic again. We haven’t even pulled out of port yet. Who won the pool? It was up to about $100.”

  35. IRT, the titanic music:

    Well…I would have taken THAT as a personal invitation to run around the ship with plane wing arms screaming “I’M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!”

  37. Hahhahaha! That’s like when we were in Cuba and the tv in the lobby bar was playing “Deadlist Catch.” WTF!

  39. My husband and I are now fighting over why it was ridiculous. Thanks Bloggess, now I have to get a divorce and he’s too poor to rejoice over the alimony.

  41. It’s like when a Chinese restaurant opened near us, at a location that averaged 2 new restaurants a year, and they named the place The Titanic. It’s like they knew they were going under before they even opened LOL

  42. It’s supposed to be bad luck to say the name of a ship that sunk on the deck of another ship. I can only guess playing the soundtrack to a movie about a ship that sunk is even worse. I can’t believe you got of there alive.

  45. So, true story.

    I had lost touch with a friend for a while and shortly after reconnecting, we somehow decided to go on a cruise together. So we did. We were about 23 at the time.

    We get there and all she wants to do is play bingo. (I’m sorry – she was TWENTY-THREE.)

    Needless to say, shortly after the ship’s final dock, I “lost touch” with her again. . .

    🙂

  46. Seriously?? I’m thinking you need to track down the person that said “let’s put the Titanic music to this video” because that person MUST be related to you in some way.

  47. Not to be a total bummer, but speaking of historic aquatic disasters…
    Us folks here on the East Coast could really use any prayers y’all can spare in the next few days.
    Prayers and a shit ton of Shamwows.
    And cheesecake.
    Thanks.

  48. So where are the cheesecake shots??? I am a sucker for cheesecake, it’s my favorite. Forget the glaciers, show me the cheesecake!

  49. That is a ridiculously awesome picture. Maybe you’re not the best travel blogger (although I’ll say it’s debatable), you suuure do take a purty picture.

    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

  51. When I went up there, I got lucky..or unlucky..cuz I had a captain who was like, lets see how close we can get the ship to thing! We were actually within 100ft of the glacier.

  52. This thing, that is. I like to leave random words out when I type for some reason.

  54. I, who have never bee anywhere, have actually been there. And it blew my mind–the beauty, the glaciers, the seals basking on the glaciers….but my clearest memories are of the buffets. No shit. The buffets.

  58. Beautiful pictures! Sorry to have missed meeting you in person at BlogHer, but I guess you had a good excuse 🙂

    (P.S. Please post pics of the cheesecakes!)

  59. When I travel, I take photos of -everything-, yet when I get home, I always feel like I don’t have shit to say except that I had fun. Hmm.

  60. Being lactose intolerant, I adore cheesecake. For some reason, I’m pretty sure it isn’t dairy and it’s a total coincidence that I get sick every time I eat it. I keep trudging onward, though… One day, I keep telling myself, one day I won’t just happen to get the stomach flu an hour after eating cheesecake.

    Oh wait… did you say something about Baked Alaska? Or was it iceburg lettuce? Hmmm. I’ll have to go back and read it again.

  61. Fantastically beautiful…however, I’m a weenie when it comes to cold. Along with everyone else I really, really want to see the cheesecake!

  62. Reminds me of the time I was on a flight, which was going through a big storm, and the in-flight movie was Eight Days, Seven Nights. Seriously.

  64. My family and I went on a cruise to Mexico when I was a teenager and it happened to be Friday the 13th while we were on it. We pulled into port for a half day and they decided to play Titanic for the people that didn’t want to get off the ship. Not even kidding. It was pretty hilarious but we wondered if we should be worried. (c:

    I found your blog a few weeks ago and you are hilarious! I’ve been reading backwards through all your posts and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

  66. BONUS COVERAGE of Le Family du Bloggess included if you play the NEXT VIDEO link after the embedded Titanic hahahahahaha clip.

    THE RAPUNZEL TOWER! THE RAPUNZEL TOWER!

    Raise your hand if you Always Wanted One

    SS

  67. We are sampling three different types of cheesecake tonight. You should totally be at our house.

    Someone has a strange sense of humor about the music. I love it.

  68. Me… I’d have run to the buffet and pointed wildly at the salad exclaiming “ICEBURG.. Lettuce Head!!” but.. given my damnable luck it the salad would have been made with romaine!

    At least you got to run amok.. amok amok amok! How many dead ninjas was Beyonce standing on when you got home? I’m sure at least a dozen tried to break in while you were gone!

  70. The TITANIC music reminds me of my first overseas trip in 1969. Everyone in the airport and on the plane was readying AIRPORT. Sheesh!

    I just send you one of my cheesecake recipes…or would you just prefer a picture?

  72. Wait, those icebergs are blue. That isn’t the frozen remains of blue toilet water that airplanes dump from 30,000 feet is it? And I’m with you…what PSYCHOPATH plays the Titanic soundtrack while you’re on a fucking boat surrounded by icebergs? Did they watch it all the way to the end?

  74. On the contrary, I think you have covered everything important about Alaska here. This report is a little light on salmon and eskimos but otherwise A+, I feel like I was there. You keep up the good work.

  75. Perfect choice. Now they just need to offer it up as a free in-room movie along with some fancy cigars and they’d be set.

    But seriously, Jen. I’m kind of disappointed that you haven’t shown us any Alaskan porn. No Eskimos rubbing… noses?

  76. awesome husband always wants to dress up like the guys in the titanic and make comments about icebergs and set his pocket watch and shit when we’re on a cruise. BUT when i say ‘i’ll never let go, jack’ he just fucking looks at me.

  78. I think that you probably could have found a cheaper way to get cheesecake than booking a cruise to Alaska. Just sayin’… BTW, were there any cars being hauled on that cruise ship? Did you make use of said cars?

  80. I don’t really know what to say except…Ice is really cold, and apparently the cheesecake is excellent (I wouldn’t know I hate cheesecake) Go ahead call me names everyone else does. I don’t care, that stuff smells like ass and I’m not going to eat it… [crosses arms in stubborn pose and sticks out tongue]

  81. Dude, you should link up on my little Thursday travel linky. Not like you need the traffic, but then again you won’t get much from my blog ; -)

  82. Ahh! The same thing happened to me… ish. I went on a cruise to Alaska a couple years ago and our boat had weird fake-broadway dancey entertainment shows. At one of them, I swear, some girl sang the My Heart Will Go On titanic song. Outside we were floating past iceburgs. It was a magical moment.

  83. What makes you think that many photos of cheesecake wouldn’t make a good post? I think I’ll google cheesecake blogs….

  84. It’s very blue there. Do all our Ty-D-Bol flushes go there to make ice?

  87. Cheesecake? nah…
    Imagine it was a bit cool on deck, but did you happen to snap any photos of BEEFCAKE? (rimshot).

    Facing bears, icebergs and cheesy movie themes, you are actually a great correspondent. I know I’m looking forward to your next expedition.

  88. Seriously, you could have bought a travel book about Alaska and used the cruise money for bingo and a BUNCH of cheesecake. Just sayin’….

    xD

  89. Love, love, love the iceberg pic!! I’d like to take an Alaskan cruise, but after our cruising experience this summer (with my mother-in-law, her husband and some of his family) I’ve kinda lost the taste for them.

  90. Sooo, I knida wanna go on that cruise now, just to hang with people who have a good sense of humor, or with people who are really really dumb. BOTH would be fun.

    Beautiful photo, it makes me almost forget the cold ice thing. Pretty.

  92. I wonder if they had cheesecake on the Titanic. I guess you can’t judge a sinking ship by the quality of the desserts, but it would still be a shame to not have cheesecake.

  96. I thought it was part of Russia. I mean, Sarah Palin could see Russia from her backyard in Alaska, so doesn’t that mean Alaska is part of Russia? Or maybe Russia is part of Alaska and therefore part of the United States? I’m so confused. Maybe Sarah can clear it up for me.

  97. I went on a cruise to Alaska; the most memorable activities were bingo and a flight over a glacier to an island. In retrospect, the best part was that I discovered the guilty pleasure of playing bingo for cash and prizes.

  98. When I was pregnant with my first child, my parents took my husband and I on an Alaskan cruise. My fondest memory was of my husband taking FOREVER to find each number on his Bingo card. Turns out he had NEVER played Bingo before so every time they called a Letter and number he scanned the ENTIRE card!

    Also, I was green the entire trip since all daytrips involved small airplanes and helicopters. Did I mention we were on a fucking ship? Great choice for a woman in her first trimester!

  99. Please, oh please, tell me that one of those pictures of cheesecake is of Leonardo DiCaprio holding a cheesecake. It would be the perfect tie in with the foreshadowing music and would easily rival any pictures of Will Wheaton collating paper.

  100. I saw “cheesecake” but read it as “beefcake” and wondered why you would apologize for taking pictures of hot guys. Then I wondered why they never advertise that hot guys take Alaskan Cruises, then I realized it was probably because of Sarah Palin. Fuck Sarah Palin, I can see Russia too.

  102. That picture is amazing, I never really got the point of going to Alaska – no one likes being cold but I see the point now. It is pretty

  106. I think what the cruise line was trying to say was….
    “Listen, sometimes shit happens, icebergs are hit, and loads of people perish. You need to stop seeing only the negative side of it. Look what it did for Rose! It made her story into a box office hit. THAT COULD BE YOU!”

  107. I’m trapped in my apt in NYC and am unable to go out and peruse the bakeries nearby thanks to this stupid hurricane. How about some cheesecake pictures for those of us that need our food porn fix?

  108. Dear Jenny,

    While that is one of the best pics from up yonder – the frozen corner of hell Alaska I’ve ever seen, I think that maybe this article on all the wonders of Alaska is a bit overstated.

    As a suggestion, you may want to try the following description sometime in the future:
    “Alaska makes my ass twitch, in a frozen wasteland sort of way…”

    I mean, even if it doesnt. It still does. 😉

    Love ya hun!

    Tony

  110. I was having a really down night, thinking about things past that I shouldn’t and decided instead to come to your site. This was just the laugh I needed. Thank you, Jenny. You make such a difference without even knowing it.

  111. hope you enjoyed your cruise to alaska! i went on one a few years back & even though when I think summer vacation i think beach bum .. I’m not complaining about my trip at all, because the helicopter ride to the glacier was pretty sweeeeeeet. not as sweet as the cheescake though.

  112. Love it! That would send my MIL, who hates boats, running and screaming. Hmmm, what cruise line were you on?

  114. Now that this post has had time to season a bit I shall render this comment. I held off so as not to initiate a flame war. Homer, Alaska gave me the feeling that someone or something had gone back in time, to the 1960’s, gathered up Tia Juana and placed it in the Alps.

  117. Was that Harvard Glacier? So gorgeous… I love the blue of the glaciers.

    I absolutely 1 bazillion % loved my cruise to Alaska….

  119. When I went through Maine, I discovered an old postcard collection at this gallery and when I started flipping through it, I saw that for about 100 years, people have been visiting that coast and writing their friends in other parts of the country to tell them that the water hitting the rocks is really pretty, and that it’s too cold to swim and that the lobster is fantastic. That’s it. For 100 years. So, maybe you’re excused for your bland Alaska commentary, because, well, cheesecake.

  120. Oh, now I get it. Alaska is part of america… the end part. Must be the nose, because D.C. is on the other end and seems largely full of shit.

  125. I noticed you were on a celebrity cruise – I was on a Holland America cruise to alaska in July….where the in-cabin video played the ENTIREEEE Titanic Soundtrack!! I also found that disturbing/amusing/listenedtothewholething

  128. In your defense, the ice is really cold. We have salmon too. Did you get some of that? Cuz we’ve got lots. We eat it for every meal, day in and day out, about a thousand pounds per capita. Salmon patties, grilled salmon, salmon pate. They even make salmon vodka. Every get together involves a salmon bake. You’re kid having his fifth birthday? Nothing like a salmon piñata for added fun. We’re not afraid to wrestle bears for the good fish that are still kind of alive. Yep, too bad you missed the salmon, cuz we’ve got it.

  129. Wha-AAAT?! You were in Alaska and didn’t call? I could have shown you things more interesting than some chunks of ice. For example, Skinny Dicks Halfway Inn. That shit would get you off the boat. As would the other beautiful things in Alaska, one of the 50 states, and part of the United States, or so they told me in, like, first grade. Also? Only cold for about eight months out of the year. Unless you’re next to a glacier. Then it’s pretty much always cold. Because of the ice.

    P.S. Oldman is SPOT ON re: Homer.

  130. Bloggess-
    damn, I wish I’d known you were going to be in Alaska, I would have met you at the docks in Juneau and shown you a good time. Not too many giant chickens but my a gaggle of girlfriends and I could have shown you a good time, or vice versa. Thanks for the humor, the Queen Barbie Princess usually shares it with me before I find it myself, but we love you!

  131. Wowowowowow!

    I had no idea that icebergs could actually be blue. (And yes, I am from Canada why do you ask?)

    Your pictures are gorgeous. I actually set one of the ones with the mountains in the background as my desktop image 🙂

  132. I was on a cruise a couple of weeks ago and had a massage. We are sampling three different types of cheesecake tonight. I’m glad you didn’t sink. awesome husband always wants to dress up like the guys in the titanic and make comments about icebergs and set his pocket watch and shit when we’re on a cruise.

  133. I love the title of this post because surprisingly, there are still people who don’t think Alaska is part of the United States of America. Honestly, institutions of higher learning have told family members that their college schedules will be late since they’re being mailed out of country.

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