I apologize for being so damn depressing on twitter this week

If you follow me on twitter then you already know that my cat, Rolly, (the one who sits on my head while I brush my teeth) went missing.  For days.  And I lost my shit.

Then (when I’d finally resigned myself to the fact that she might be dead) I started looking online to find out how long it would take before I could find her body.  This is what I found:

Then I laughed in spite of myself, and then Rolly walked up to me as if nothing had happened.  It was totally fucked up, and I suspect she wandered into an open wardrobe and ended up in Narnia.  Cat’s are weird like that.

In unrelated news, it’s Sunday!  Which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my friend Heidi (from Girl to Mom.com) who sends me awesomely incoherent emails about haunted clowns and beloved hookers. I’d probably make a pass at her if I wasn’t married, and if she was a red-head. You should probably check her deliciously twisted blog out.

124 replies. read them below or add one

  1. My daughter’s cat does that, disappears for hours/days on end, gets my hopes up, and then just shows up at the door. The bastard. At least leave for a week or two, it’d be like an unwanted cat vacation.

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    DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted An Open Letter To The Makers Of Gatorade.

  2. My cat disappeared, and a couple weeks later the house started to stink (it was the middle of August). It was so bad that we called the police, thinking our creepy landlord must have ditched a human body in the crawl space. That’s the logical assumption, right? But no, it was my cat. So… the answer is two weeks in high summer.🙂

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  3. I love you Jenny! And I’m dyeing my hair red. Does this mean we get to do it?

    Like

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Mr. Happyballs Gives You Sex Advice.

  4. Wow. Someone was a little bitter when they wrote that answer… but it IS pretty funny! I remember when I was little and my cat ran away (or so I thought) and my mom was all, “She’s probably just hiding behind the dryer…” and I was all, “WHY WOULD YOU PUT A CAT IN A DRYER?!”

    Yeah. That’s all I got.

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    Meg recently posted Peppermint Bark.

  5. Yea! I totally am a dog person and don’t get cats at all because every time I pet them, they act like I am the greatest thing since a cornered mouse, and then without warning, attack me. (Bonus: they also make me sneeze.) But I am so happy for you that she came back!

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  6. 6
    Benjamin Sutton

    How irresponsible do you have to be to leave the door to Narnia open!

    Like

  7. Math *IS* fucking awesome!

    And your cat may no longer smell when it’s dead, but you still can. My cat’s farts smell like death… I can only imagine what a true dead cat would smell like…

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    Brandon recently posted Love me long time?.

  8. OMG! Rolly’s back! So happy for you! On an unrelated note, but related to “ad” placement, this story link appeared on your Mom Blog page: “Chinese man has an eel enter his penis, then bladder after…” … which I found totally Jenny-like ~

    Like

  9. She was testing you. To see if you really care. When she decides to take her place as queen of the world, she will spare you from the bloodbath. Good job, you won🙂

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  10. So glad the kitty came back. We now demand more cat-on-head pictures!

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    HNtG recently posted And a Merry SWTORmas to All!.

  11. I think what got her back was the laughing in spit of yourself. The spiteful variety may have kept her away a while longer. ;o/

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  12. So my cat Jackson LOVES to sit in and out of the bathroom. Half of his body is in the door, the other half out. He’s obessed with it. I’m SURE that my bathroom is the gateway to Kitty Narnia and he is guarding it either for himself or maybe its the EVIL Narnia *if one exsists* and he is in fact protecting me. One may never know. But he does a damn good job. I’m glad your kitty is back! I was really freaked out for you.❤

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    Lesley recently posted Fairy Tales: Today I Put The Christmas Tree Up.

  13. While having our bathroom remodeled, our cat got sealed into the floor. It was very Edgar Allen Poe-ish. Had to pay a contractor OT to get her out on a Saturday night. She never offered to reimburse us. Cats are notoriously cheap.

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  14. One day we thought our (indoor) cat had run out the front door. He always comes running when he hears his dry food being shaken around, so we ran around the house and the neighbourhood sobbing and yelling his name and shaking his food container. We must have looked ridiculous to the old people sitting on their porches.

    Despite having looked in every nook and cranny of the house, when we got back he was calmly sitting on the bed like, “You weren’t looking for ME, were you?” I suspect they do it to freak us out and remind us how much we love them. So calculating.

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    Carly recently posted New track: Baby House.

  15. Earthquake of joy has enter my lexicon. Thank you.

    Like

  16. My cat went missing for like 4 days, and I too lost my shit. She was dead in my bedroom the whole time. I was fucking traumatized.

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  17. Betting Rolly went to Vegas

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    erin m recently posted 3rd Birthday | Orlando Area Children's Photographer.

  18. you give us so many giggles… hopefully I can pay back the favor.. i would love to make your blogroll.. check it out..
    “I want to make your baby an orphan” and other inspiring tales of parenthood… http://hotmessmom.com/?p=315
    thx

    (and, no this is not spam🙂

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    Hot Mess Mom recently posted Making Vodka Babies is a dirty job {updated}.

  19. If suddenly Rolly has a “royalty complex” and seems resistant to playing the whole cat game, she *did* go to Narnia, and you can expect a crappy sequel to this performance in a year or so.

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  20. I have many delightful pictures of my baby “reading” Dick and Jane and Vampires. Let me know if you want to see one.🙂

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  21. I posted this on your facebook page when Rolly disappeared, but here is that article on the cat who disappeared for several years and resurfaced in New York: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/44636444/ns/today-today_pets_and_animals/

    My cats like to sleep in the craziest places. One of ours got shut in a dresser drawer once for a few hours and I went to open it up to put clothes away and she was still just sleeping away. Scared the shit out of me. Anytime they go “missing” now I search the dressers and closets to start.

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  22. See, that’s why Nature gave animals the automatic stinking feature when they die, so you can find your pets’ bodies and give them a proper burial.

    By the way, Jenny, I think you should start training Ferris Mewler to take over the sitting-on-your-head duties, because sooner or later Rolly really will pass on and begin to stink. At that point, you need to stop putting her up there. (See my note above regarding proper burial.) Have you even tried a polydactyl kitten on your head? I bet it’s LUXURIOUS!

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  23. I can report that squirrels don’t smell either. We had one get stuck between the outside wall of the house and fireplace. UGH.

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  24. My cat Sabado disappeared for three weeks, and we were sure he was a goner. Then we got a knock on the door. People from the end of our street had seen him at the top of a 100 foot tree. They kept seeing him there for over a week and finally tied two ladders together to climb up to get him.

    He was wearing a collar with our veterinarian’s rabies tag – back in those days, it was unusual for a cat to wear tags. They called the vet’s number and traced the cat to us.

    We confirmed he was ours, and went down the street to get him. Usually a large, muscular long-haired black cat, this fella looked so tiny and scrawny (and very, very stinky), wrapped in an old blanket. For a moment I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly recognized us. He stared meowing loudly and struggled to get to us.

    He stayed with us for another ten years and I’m pretty sure he didn’t climb any more trees.

    I’m so glad your Rolly is safe.

    Like

  25. I clicked on your link to Dick and Jane and Vampires. On the left was a picture of D, J &V. On The right side was an ad with picture of a cross and a stained glass window and the words Memorial Drive Presbyterian Church. Join us for Worship. I thought this was a pretty great juxtaposition, so I tried to print the page. The Vampires remained, but the church vanished.

    Like

  26. I’ll add my lost cat tale. Daughter has a cat she can’t sleep without. Oreo went missing for 2 days atleast. This obviously posed a problem at bedtime. Then one night he just showed up at back door. Thank God. My super sleuthing deduced he must have gotten trapped in someone’s shed or garage – when the door opened — he was freed. Or could be he still had one of his lives left. Glad Rolly returned whatever the story behind his disappearance.

    Like

  27. You weren’t depressing. If you hadn’t found Rolly, _that_ would have been depressing. But we need more recent Rolly-on-your-head-while-you-brush-your-teeth pics as evidence.

    Like

  28. See, cats are totally ninjas. If they don’t want to be found, they won’t be found. He was probably off plotting someones murder in the attic or planning some sort of attack on the human race. I mean, come on. We all know cats are really aliens in disguise just waiting to take over the world and kill off all the humans. You never know what they’re doing when you’re not looking, or when you’re alseep.
    [If your scared of your cats now, you have every right to be, they could attack at any moment.]

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  29. If your cat is anything like me, she just did it for the attention.

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  30. Cats just like to fuck with us. They’re evil, tiny little predators that love/want to eat us. If we were smaller, we’d totally be dead. Also, apparently my iPhone has stopped autocorrecting “fuck”. I’m prouder than ever at this moment.

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  31. oh the days of playing magic….. I used to have so many magic cards.. I heard it’s having a come back… what with shows like The Big Bang Theory and such.

    oh… that math doodle video was AWESOME.. I watched all the vids on the main page and had to turn it off before I spent my entire day watching vids instead of reading organic chemistry… which is what I should be doing now.

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  32. My first guess was that Posey ate her (being a zombie cat and all) but now that she’s back you may want to see if she still has a reflection… just sayin’.

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  33. My husband and I are always joking about our cats disappearing into Narnia. We suspect that there is a portal to Catopia within every closet and hole in the wall.

    Also, why does every house we move into have a hole in the wall? WHO IS BUILDING THESE THINGS?

    Like

  34. Sadly (mainly because it reveals how crazy we are) that post may have actually been a little toned DOWN from reality…

    And speaking of seizing…OH MY GOD!

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  35. So glad Rolly came back! Some mysteries are better left unsolved. Also, they make for better stories🙂

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  36. I think since Antarctica is the chicken’s ass, the new saying should be it is cold as a chicken’s ass in here. Just wait, it’s totally going to be a thing. Like planking. Wait, someone should take a picture of a chicken’s ass while planking.

    Honestly, I’ve never talked about chicken asses this much. Or planking.

    In conclusion, I’m glad you’re cat is ok.

    Like

  37. 37
    Tina Richerson

    Prior to this, the most disturbing thing I saw today was http://www.walmart.com/cp/Funeral/1058564. All I could envision was DIY funerals taking place all over the country. Old style, you know. Lay ’em out on the kitchen table or in the living room.

    Now, after viewing the “The Changed Man Bikini” and actually going to the original site, my mind has gone numb in response to the visual trauma. I need to go wash my brain out with alcohol.

    Like

  38. As a longtime writer and editor, I thought the grammarian’s snarky (but correct) answer to “how long before a dead cat starts to smell” was hilarious!

    So glad your cat returned. And that it can still smell.😉

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  39. I’m glad Rolly is back. Cats do that sort of thing just to upset you. Because cats are little assholes. But that’s why we love them.

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  40. I had a cat that disappeared for weeks and then came sauntering up like nothing had happened. I have no idea where she’d been and we never spoke of it. Rolly would probably prefer you just respect his privacy on this one. They like to be a little mysterious.

    Ashley
    http://www.modernmommymagic.blogspot.com

    Like

  41. Hey I’m over here from @MotherhoodTruth’s tweet. This post is full of win and I haven’t even clicked on the links yet! Looking forward to that.

    I’m glad Rolly’s back. You’ll no longer have a chilly scalp when brushing your teeth. I’m reminded of a song… “The cat came back the very next day. We thought he was a goner but the cat came back. He just couldn’t stay awaaaaaay!”

    Jamie
    For Love of Cupcakes

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  42. I hate to be contrary, (OK I LOVE to be contrary just ask Hubby), but I am pretty sure that the zombie cats CAN smell. How else will they find us hiding in the closet and devour our yummy brains? I am so very glad your baby came home! Extra catnip all around.

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  43. Those elephants and circles are pretty cool but camels are assholes and they frighten me. Much like math does.

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  44. Yay for Rolly’s return! I have to admit I was legitimately upset for you, and legitimately thrilled when you found her. (I have 3 myself here. I’d lose my shit if I couldn’t find one of them.) And that interview? Best thing I read this week.

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    Stephanie recently posted In the Event of My Disappearance….

  45. Yay, Rolly is back!!! Just remember this moment of joy when the invoices start coming in for cat nip, cat porn, cat massages, cat detox, PETA membership. You know the drill. And you might want to use a shower curtain on your head for awhile to be safe. Who knows where Rolly was been?

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  46. Thanks again for the interview. It’s amazing how you managed to anticipate my questions. It’s like you were reading my mind.😀

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  47. Cats don’t just *have* stealth technology, they *invented* it. In fact, I think mine has Stealth 2.0 … or maybe Stealth 9.x. It’s hard to say. But he never lets me watch the dematerialization/rematerialization process. And sometimes he uses it to climb onto my lap …. just …. *poof*. Suddenly, he’s just THERE. It’s kinda creepy. More than once, I’ve looked ALL over the house for him, and it’s not like we have a lot of furniture to hide behind (or a big house, either). Nowhere to be found. Then I walk into the living room, and he’s just sitting in the middle of the carpet, staring at me, like he was there the whole time and I’m obviously blind or something. Or maybe I just can’t see into the 19th dimension where he’s comfortably napping with a catnip martini. Bastard.

    Like

  48. This is why you should always have a webcam on your cat.

    If you face the webcam backwards, it will pay for itself in cat porn.

    Also, I think it’s not just zombie cats that can smell. Ghost cats, too, like when they spoon with each other and do pottery.

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  49. My heart always goes out to people with cat troubles! Cats are where it’s at.

    Jenna
    callherhappy.com

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  50. Maybe your eyeballs really do stink and she was just taking a break from that crap. You always make me laugh and “spit” on myself.

    We have a barn cat that my Mom has this insane love and dedication to who likes to go missing every now and again. Usually there is a “twin” yellow/orange tabby roadkill within a mile or so of our farm during the time Kit-meow is missing. Dad and I figure we’ve burried about 20 Kit-meow look-alikes in the past 10 years for Mom. I’m fairly certian that when he does actually kick it, we won’t be the ones to bury him.

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  51. Look. I could feel the depressed vibes.

    So, for you…I put on a chicken head and took a pic.

    I emailed it to you. Hopefully this will show you others have much more depressing days than you ever thought of. I mean, for the love of God…I put on a chicken head.

    In public.

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  52. I’m actually a little disappointed in that Skepchick post. I read the original “My OkCupid Affair With A World Champion Magic: The Gathering Player” article, and I feel like Bereznak has been treated VERY unfairly by The Internet At Large. Her post was about honesty, and being accountable for the things you say on the internet, and specifically, leaving potentially embarrassing things out of your online dating profiles even though they are basically the main focus of your entire life.

    Sady Doyle nailed it in her article (http://tigerbeatdown.com/2011/08/31/elitism-now-it-basically-just-means-not-having-sex-with-everybody) though she took a whole lot of e-bullying for it.

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  53. If Rolly now has an increased propensity for Christian allegory then she was definitely in Narnia. If not, she probably hollowed out a mattress or was hiding in the back of the toilet.

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  54. If Rolly went to Narnia I totally want to follow her into the wardrobe next time. I’m glad she’s back. I’m making a sixth start on knitting a hat for my daughter. I think I have no life. 🙂

    Like

  55. You’ve read Coraline. She was probably helping to fight off the Other Mother. You may want to ask your daughter what she’s been up to lately.

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  56. That interview was stellar. I’m going to utilize that approach with my next job interview.

    Like

  57. Cats like to test our love by hiding from us on occasion. I know that they typically get in the fresh, clean laundry that they clash with, but that’s to throw you off so that you think they can’t tell the difference. THEY CAN! I’ve caught my cat pretending to be a white t-shirt under the bed on SEVERAL occasions. I know she’s testing my love for her. She hasn’t been able to fool me for a few years, but we live in a much bigger house now, so I think it’s just a matter of time before she pulls a Houdini again.

    glad Rolly reappeared. Personally, I’d be interrogating Victor about the sudden reappearance. Just sayin’…

    Like

  58. I am glad you found your cat. Rolly sounds like the kind of prankster who should not be out on the loose, wreaking havoc all over the neighborhood. Keep that animal under wraps before all hell breaks loose.

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  59. Crap! Now I’m pretty relieved that I’ve been mostly absent from Twitter! I’m sorry you had to go through such worry and lose your shit, but glad the little shit showed up again. They have such weird powers when they get old – kinda makes yoda look as powerful as Barney.

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  60. Sadly, we’re not being sarcastic. You really make us seize with laughter, joy, and excitement. It’s like a Molotov cocktail of emotions. We could explode at any moment.

    PS: I Googled “Molotov cocktail” to make sure I spelled it correctly and now I’m willing bet the fed are ALL up on my case now. Worth it.

    PPS: SO glad you found your kitty! Mine hid in the washing machine once, which I’m sure she thought was a wonderful idea until my mom stuffed it with laundry and turned it on with her still inside. Luckily my mom heard the racket she was making and let her out in time. Silly cat.

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  61. I followed your link to Answers.com and down below the answers you pointed out was the question
    Are people who are allergic to cats also allergic to fancy mice?
    Color me intrigued…what, pray tell, are FANCY MICE? And the link to the answer is FUCKING FAKE, and just asks the question again, expecting ME to be fucking psychic and somehow know THROUGH OSMOSIS what Fancy Mice even are?! So anyway, I googled it and according to Wikipedia, Fancy Mice…
    Fancy mice are in a wide variety of colors not found in nature.
    SO, now I’m picturing zebra fancy mice, and dalmation fancy mice, and gee, I I find that I sure like saying Fancy Mice.
    God Bless you Bloggess, on behalf of all Fancy Mice.

    Like

  62. Magic the Gathering rocks, I just got back from a pre-release Sealed Deck event with my boyfriend and friends.

    My cat is 18 pounds and he likes to pretend he’s a parrot. He’ll climb on my dad’s shoulders and ride around from room to room like that. I think he does that partially because he’s in denial about his weight. He also likes to scale curtains and when the rod breaks, pretend it was the 8 pound cat by sleeping on the now-fallen curtains.

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  63. So *that’s* what pinterest looks like! I just wanna say

    a) I have the Anxiety Girl t-shirt! Love Natalie Dee

    b) ‘beer can’…i keep saying it too. I’m fascinated with it!

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  64. The last time one of our old cats went missing for a couple days, she came back extremely pregnant. I don’t know if they knock innocent creatures up in Narnia, but I’m just sayin’. That lion looks pretty hormonal.

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    Michelle recently posted Comfort and relaxation has ended.

  65. Long ago we had a cat named Nuisance, who always lived up to her name. She also used to climb ladders every chance she got, even the ones with the round rungs. So one July my husband was working on the 100+ year old house and removed the top 2-3 clapboards, then someone showed up and he came down off to talk. Later, after finishing the work he was doing he put the boards back and called it a day. Next day: “Have you seen Nuisance lately?” I asked. “Yeah I saw her yesterday.” Day after that—“I haven’t seen Nuisance for days.” “I’m sure I saw her yesterday.” Fast forward—four full days after the work on the house and he’s still convinced he’s seen her since then and I’m sure I haven’t. I walk around the outside of the house calling her. At the bottom back corner I hear a very faint meow. I look under the house–no cat. Call again—faint meow. Mind you, this is the HOTTEST week of the whole year. Get husband outside. He starts pulling boards off at the bottom of the house–no cat. Gets ladder and pulls boards at top of house—no cat, but he can hear her. House has two attics–main attic over main house and smaller one over what used to be a separate building for the kitchen but is tied in now. You reach the kitchen attic by walking through a small door in a room on the second floor. he had been working on the wall where the two pieces of house come together. So he tells me to go to the kitchen attic and call her. I called her about six times and finally heard her rustling through the boxes and plastic covered things in storage in the attic coming toward me. She was a black and white cat–splotches style of both. As she approached me all I saw was a black cat. She paused at the door and literally rolled her eyes at me and tossed her head in disgust, then decided to play it like, “I meant to do that, but damn girl, couldn’t you have opened this door a little sooner?” She was dehydrated, lost at LEAST three lives by our best estimation and did not speak to my husband for at least two weeks. She drank, ate a little, washed her face to the point where her nose/snout was white again and slept in front of the air conditioner for the next three days straight. But even after that, she still climbed ladders every chance she got and STILL managed to get stuck up on the main roof at least twice more in her charmed life!
    And by the way—did you know that lots of cat meds can be gotten at the human drug store? Imagine this: Walmart Pharmacist calls out to those of us waiting for prescriptions—“Nuisance D_ _ _ _ _ _(insert last name here), prescription ready for Nuisance D _ _ _” I walk up to get it with people looking at me like Damn girl–how could you name your kid Nuisance, now that’s cold, bitch.” It’s a miracle they didn’t call social services on me! “It’s a cat, it’s a cat” I say as I look back at the cold stares. For some reason, that didn’t go over any better—it’s a miracle nobody called Peta on me!

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  66. I have found my cat in my draw before snuggling and molting onto my clean tshirst. I should be pissed of but instead I feel bad she is getting old, she can sleep on my face for all i care… every moment counts.
    Jessie.

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  67. I am so glad Rolly was found. When I read that I was trying to think of the secret answer to tell you to do to find him, because you know I *think* I am a pet expert for everything. But I couldn’t and that made me sad. Especially since you bought him dog toys bc of me.

    ROLLY__ kitty kisses _____***xoxo***

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  68. So my brother-in-law works with this poor soul who accidentally killed her cat with her dryer. When I first heard about this, I was all like, “How did she not notice the extra loud meowing ka-thunk that was cycling around her dryer?” Then I was all like, “How the fuck am I going to get my ex-husband in a dryer?” But THEN the story got even better cuz all the guys in the office pitched in and surprised the de-pussied lady with TWO adorable-but-ready-to-destroy-furniture-with-needle-claws kittens. (Technically I think she’s now re-pussied?). Anyway, the kittens had collars with engraved nametags: “Fluff” and “Fold”.

    /truestory

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  69. I’m glad you found your cat! I just choked over my water re: Narnia Comment because a) that would be unbelievably freaking awesome. and B) I’m so lame – I’m watching Narnia right now.

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    Brooke recently posted Hey, Hey, Hey – Goodbye..

  70. I’m not surprised Rolly came back. My ass would reappear when people started googling how long it would be before my death started to smell.

    I think this will be my new hide-and-seek strategy.

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  71. Cats are fucked up. That’s why I have dogs.

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  72. That hen-gea puns thread is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. I wonder what else you can re-arrange the continents to form?

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  73. I have never met anyone with your kind of genius.

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  74. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up seeing pictures on the net of Rolly planking in various nooks and crannies of your house. (Or, should I say “Felineking.”)

    Speaking of new favorite phrases, I call dibs on “BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL, THAT’S WHY.”

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  75. I love the stickers. I went to work with the hubs the other night and in addition to some awesome inappropriateness in his office, I saw some funnily ironic packing stickers I thought I would add to your collection. I had your po box address, er, a while ago. I sent you a SASE and you sent me stickers, then I sent you a necklace with a little kitty on it. Anyhoo, address please?

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  76. I’m so glad there’s a happy ending to your cat story! Yay! BTW, Really funny internet search on dead cats smelling!

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    Cheryl D. recently posted Major School Lunch Overhaul.

  77. Did you see the awesome article on NPR about the cats injected with monkey and jellyfish genes? Now the kittens glow in the dark. It immediately reminded me of you and Copernicus.

    Like

    Shoegirl recently posted Appreciating Life, My Kindle Will Break Me, and Fall Keeps Teasing Me.

  78. I think cats just love messing with us. One of mine loves bringing me skinks even though I am terrified of them. And dead rats. But I guess that’s good, kind of? As long as they don’t end up in my bed!

    Like

    Maid In Australia recently posted Mmm ..... chocolate!.

  79. Don’t you worry because you are already forgiven..Sometimes, I also experience this kind of situation and I do have a twitter account as well…

    Like

    Anjieline recently posted Where Can You Find a Microsoft Driver Download?.

  80. One of my cats used to slip out and down the hall and try to (often successfully) secrete himself into one of the apartments we used to live in. Or the one next to that, I don’t think that was so crucial for him. Embarrassing is opening a door to a neighbor holding your cat saying “is this yours? he was in my apartment.” and I didn’t know he was missing. Good thing I never gave much thought to reproducing. He was with me for 23 years, I miss him (but not the squishy hairballs at 3am when all I wanted to do was pee and go back to bed.) Anyway, glad Rolly is still among us on this side of the river.

    Rolly perched on your towel turban had me flash on those women who carry baskets of stuff on their heads while walking to market like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and now I’m picturing you walking around the house (or yard, grocery store, mall…) with Rolly on your head. And that’s why you need more towels – you can’t go out wearing the same cat turban towel everyday, lint rollers do a crappy job on terry cloth, and seriously, what would people say?

    Like

  81. Seriously – cats are proof God just wants to fuck with us. Why else give us an animal we adore but who simply don’t give a flying shit right back?

    Like

  82. When you have a cat, you have to prepare yourself for them to go missing and quite possibly never return. Same thing happened to me a few years ago, only with my kids being very small I was seriously considering finding a lookalike replacement cat from the animal shelter when presto-changeo, the cat reappeared.

    I always figured we’d find him, I just figured we would find him by the dead smell. And there he was.

    Like

    wagthedad recently posted I Was Going to Sell My Junk Today, But Something Came Up.

  83. Glad Rolly found you! If one of your closets does indeed have a door to Narnia I want to come over and check it out, there are some people I would like like to throw in there and then bolt the door shut.

    Like

    Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted F*ck You Fridays: Round Three.

  84. –>Are you saying you have a lion and a witch in your wardrobe too?

    Like

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Flashback Friday (part 82) - R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe Tried to Poke Me in the Eye.

  85. 85
    Heather in Ottawa

    Better she was in Narnia than the Pet Sematary. That shit will freak you out. Just sayin’.

    Like

    Heather in Ottawa recently posted An open letter to men on online dating sites.

  86. Rolly disappears for a few days.

    Rolly re-appears looking a little thinner and tired.

    Two words.

    Catnip.Bender.

    Like

    awesomesauciness recently posted Hi there!.

  87. Saw this … http://pinterest.com/pin/240165205/ … and thought of you!

    Like

  88. So glad that Rolly returned…and, FYI, Narnia is really fun!

    Like

    Susan Says... recently posted Up in the Air, Part II: Drunks On a Plane.

  89. First, that is an awesome answer to the smelly cat question. You’ve gotta love literalists.
    Second, I failed geometry in high school – but if I learned it through doodling I might’ve passed.

    Like

    Vesta Vayne recently posted Monday Rant – Hack the fingers off the Hackers.

  90. It would be better if I could click a link on your website and a new browser window would open and I could read the funny bit there… and then close the window and your site would still be there. Instead, clicking takes me away from your site and then I read the funny bit and close the window and forget to go back to your site and buy that cool bag I saw earlier… I’m just saying. You should fix that, probably…. or have the interweb guy do it.

    thanks,

    Like

  91. I lost my special needs dog for 7 hours once. It turned out she was in the pantry waiting quietly for the lights to come back on. Apparently she had wandered in there while it was opened and no one saw her. She wins the patience award in my house.

    Like

    Abby recently posted MAID OF disHONOR.

  92. Thanks for the awesome laughs. So glad your baby surprised you by just turning up. They can be very mysterious buggers.

    Like

    Sarah Laurenson recently posted Five Page Critique.

  93. It’s all that Vampire blood you’re feeding her🙂

    Like

    Jennie Jackson recently posted Dog Walk.

  94. We have cat that lives in our hangar at work, who does the same kind of shit. He disappeared one day, and returned two weeks ago like nothing was wrong…except that he’d been MIA and presumed dead for the past FOUR months. Glad your cat came back much sooner than ours.

    Like

  95. That cat totally OD’d on catnip when you weren’t looking.

    Like

    Charity recently posted Fuckity. Yeah, I’ll steal your shit..

  96. HA! Best answer to a cat question ever. I’m so glad Rolly came home, even if she was a bitch about it.

    Like

    Christy recently posted Just when you thought it was safe….

  97. I hear ya. Our animals become our family and it’s scary when they go missing. Glad Rolly is okay!

    Like

    Trish recently posted From Mid-Life Crisis to Clarity.

  98. pinterest is the new black.

    Like

    Simone recently posted Social networking = 0 My sanity = 7.

  99. My fucking cat did that shit to me last year for 2 WEEKS! Just, moved into a neighbors house through the cat door and was eating their cat’s food. I thought he was dead. I drove through the streets screaming, “CASPIAN!” like an idiot. He was probably hiding behind a bush and laughing to himself the whole time. Asshole.

    Like

    Windsor Grace recently posted Bleck, sigh.

  100. I have a foggy memory since the attack, Jenny did I already mention they have pet collars with GPS in them? Might be fun.

    Like

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Joel Stein and Girl to Mom Change the World.

  101. I don’t get cats AT ALL, I am a big dog person. Nonetheless, glad you found your cat.

    Like

  102. Your cat came back!! Yay!! So happy for you.

    Like

    Madeleine recently posted On Not Having A Plan.

  103. I’m glad Rolly is back from Narnia but next time…leave a note or maybe the wardrobe door open or something…sheesh!

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Zombies+Bacon=Perfect Birthday.

  104. Or– rather than just the pet collar with the GPS, perhaps just put a REAL gps up in that mofo. That would be COMPLETELY fucking legit.

    Like

    Charity recently posted Fuckity. Yeah, I’ll steal your shit..

  105. We had a cat who used to disappear for a couple weeks at a time. We began to suspect he was cheating on us with another family because he’d always come back smiling and a little chubbier. Come to think of it, we didn’t adopt him from somewhere, he just moved into our house one day – so maybe WE were the “other family!” When they say cats have 9 lives, maybe they live some of them simultaneously.

    Like

    Joni recently posted Her Strange Addiction... This is getting serious..

  106. I couldn’t find and email address for you (and feel pretty lame about it) but I had to make sure you saw this website about a woman who makes GIGANTIC, not just giant, farm animals out of car parts. I’m thinking maybe she could make you a *gigantic* chicken for your next anniversary.
    http://illusion.scene360.com/art/20669/gigantic-cows-made-from-car-parts/

    Like

  107. YAY! SO glad Rolly’s back!

    Check the Traveling Red Dress. I suspect wherever Rolly’s been, it’s been.

    Also check the camera. Because there’s always some sort of proof.
    🙂

    Like

    Maria recently posted The News, According to Me.

  108. I agree with the camera. Cats are genius. It’s possible you may find some amazing shit on that camera. Like the Hangover without the hermaphrodites.

    Like

    Charity recently posted Fuckity. Yeah, I’ll steal your shit..

  109. Considering your appreciation for Dick and Jane and Vampires, I thought you might enjoy this: http://www.amazon.com/Pat-Zombie-Cruel-Adult-Spoof/dp/1607740362/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317130007&sr=8-1#_

    Sadly, when I saw it in Barnes & Noble the other day, I wasn’t able to actually take a look since they had it encased in plastic wrap to prevent “fiscally responsible” people like me from reading it in the store without actually buying it, but Amazon gives you a nice little preview…

    Like

  110. Thank god the kitty is ok and Thank you for diciding to NOT grow up.

    By the way…you inspired me…I started my own blog that is satirical and shitty, but I get to vent aboutt he idoits I deal with on a day in day out basis…Thank you

    Like

  111. Looks like giant chickens are your spirit animal.

    Like

    Megan recently posted megan_maria: @JeremyFeistXXX They're introducing the new iPhone next week..

  112. After the whole urine/hairball debacle at 5:30am, I pray to Allah that my goddamned cat will find his way to Narnia so the Snow Bitch can go all Marcellus Wallace on his furry ass. Now I’ll just sit here quietly and wait for the ASPCA to arrive for my public stoning.

    Like

    Jen recently posted Adventures in Autism: The One Where I Yell at the Homeless Guy.

  113. So I couldn’t open the link to Dick & Jane vampire stories but really my first (only) reaction is –

    because we needed MORE proof that this whole vampire thing has gotten out of control!

    Like

    My Baby Sweetness recently posted Today's message brought to you by the letter g.

  114. You are the single reason I now waste all extrea time (and a shit-ton of time that is not so “extra”) on Pinterest. Also – I’m pretty sure Pinterest is the reason I asked for a Kitchen Aid Mixer for my birthday. Thanks a LOT. :o/

    I’m kidding. I love Pinterest. And I love your blog. Thanks for being so fucking funny – even if the funny is about your possibly dead cat.

    Like

  115. Further proof one should only own dogs.

    Like

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted How to Make Good Things Happen.

  116. I thought this story about a two-faced cat was right up your alley – I mean HOW MANY two-faced cats are actually out there????

    Like

  117. If she had wandered into Narnia, she would have reappeared four days later to her, not to you. You never would have noticed because it would feel like a second to you. However, just because she probably wasn’t in Narnia this time doesn’t mean she hasn’t been before.

    Like

  118. I googled the question about the dead cat smell, and this is what I found: http://www.wikihow.com/Bury-a-Cat
    The top part is kind of sad, but the warning made me laugh as i have an odd sense of humor. But i do love cats, though maybe not as much as “Debbie”

    Like

  119. I have a possible solution to the mystery. When I was in the basement on my treadmill this morning (no kudos, doesn’t happen nearly often enough) my cat leaped up from the top of the sewing machine and disappeared into the ceiling. Then I heard this scrabbling sound as she apparently fell down in between the back-of-the-basement and the front-of-the-basement drywall sheets. There was a lot of ruckus for about 5 minutes while I tried to decide what I was going to do about this–when I was done with my 35 minutes of course–and she emerged from the corner of the basement wall, where the drywall on my side doesn’t extend all the way to the floor, covered in cobwebs and other dusty bits.

    Maybe Rolly ended up somewhere like that, and you might want to go look for gaps. We have one spot stuffed with books (my teenage son’s ingenuity) to try to keep the cat out of the ceiling, but had apparently missed this one.

    Like

    Sheri recently posted cold season.

  120. There are way too many comments above, so I don’t know if someone already said this. We call this happening Kitty Third Dimension. I live in a small home, the 2 spare rooms don’t get opened unless we have company, and the rest of the house is an open floor plan. Damn if my cat can’t DISAPPEAR and send me into a tail spin that somehow he has reverse Santa maneuvered up the chimney and been eaten by a coyote. (we have lots of those in our town) No amount of calling, treat shaking, sobbing will bring him out. 10 hours later, cut to me coming in the door from an all night search and he is curled up in the center of my bed purring. Gotta love kitties.

    Like

  121. I love you even more now that I know you play MTG. I played in the newest set’s prerelease last weekend with my boyfriend (who competed at the national level and used to be a judge). He is a dork and I think it’s awesome; what the hell is wrong with that girl, acting like geekiness is shameful?
    Also, glad your cat is back… probably couldn’t live without smelling your eyeballs while you sleep.

    Like

  122. “I Just Seized” is worthy of a pinboard.

    Like

  123. I had that happen with a cat of mine. He got out for day and I was afraid he was a goner and he showed in my bedroom window one night meowing to be let in.

    Like

  124. I’m so glad you found your cat!! Do you want another one? Mine keeps peeing on the bed. I’m over it.

    Like

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