UPDATED: MISSING.

in no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

See below for latest updates.

Remember last week when I wrote about the sign I’d put up on my neighborhood bulletin board?

This one:

Well, I checked today to see if anyone else had responded to it, but IT WAS GONE.  It had been taken down, presumably by someone who hates snake reunions and happy endings. It was disconcerting.

Luckily, I knew the perfect place to ask for help:

 

UPDATED:  The missing sign lasted less than 24 hours before vanishing.  It’s a losing battle, but it’s a losing battle I’m willing to fight.  Mainly because I work from home and have an entire ream of copy paper at my disposal.  I can do this all damn day, vandals.

485 thoughts on “UPDATED: MISSING.”

Read comments below or add one.

  8. Bwahaha…damn those sign thief’s! Hope they return it soon, I mean who wouldn’t, given the fact they get a snake as a reward 🙂

  14. YOu’re a riot! Taking it to the next level! making shit happen…. entertaining the neighborhood, one neighbor at a time!

  15. You should also leave a sign at every stop sign in the neighborhood so that people can see them coming to and from work. Have you contacted Sting, Quincy Jones, or Bono about possibly writing a “We are the Lost Rattlesnake Sign” song?

  16. You’re such a bitch. You know a war’s coming, right? At least there would be if I was the person who took the sign down. Happy hunting.

  21. you’ve also inspired me to try and do simple posts – not everything has to be a story. I also tried to recreate your Kitty on Head picture for a post called ME AND MY PPD – cat is still pissed! (I might have already told you this, but wine induced comments are not retained)

  25. Every time I read one of your posts I begin to laugh out loud at work and then realize I’m going to get into trouble so I have to pretend to be choking instead. Pretty sure my coworker’s going to try to give me the heimlich one of these days.

  29. it’s a good thing you got a picture of this. If it mysteriously goes missing, you now have a picture for your lost signs

  32. That’s awesome. Post a PETA poster next to it just to rile the animal haters up. Stake out the bulletin board and follow the one responsible. Then give them Tiberious. Like a “drive by”. But with less bullets and more bitey. That’ll teach ’em.

  34. YOU are a God send! I recently jacked up my knee and am stuck in a brace and am on crutches… I HATE being trapped and I’ve always been a fan but now I STALK your site waiting for new blogs…you help me keep my sense of humor…so a very BIG THANK YOU!!!!

  35. hahahahaha.
    I should know better then to drink while reading your blog.
    …coffee…everywhere!

  37. There’s a really good blowjob joke in there somewhere, but the words aren’t coming.

  42. I cant wait for your post! I look forward to them every day! You can make a glum day so much brighter!
    xoxo

  43. I seriously envy your limitless brain cleverness. I marvel at your spunky responses to everyday situations 🙂

  44. LOL!!! omg I really hope some people in your neighborhood see this shit and laugh. what percentage do you think understands this is a joke, and which think it’s for real?? I’d say 10/90 hahahahaha!

  46. just goes to show, some neighbors are cool, and some need to have the sticks pulled out of their butts . . . or a rattlesnake give them a hug

  50. I LOVE YOU. I used to think I was funny, witty, and a semi-decent writer until I stumbled upon your blog. The hilarity that bounces around your brain astounds me sometimes! LOL

  54. My favorite part of this story is how no one (not even the commenters here) questions your conclusion that the bitey rattlesnake was someone’s PET….???? Gotta love Texas. Sign stealin’ rattle snake lovers, all of ya. 🙂

  55. I give hugs with my mouth too. My boyfriend SO doesn’t like it. Now I can tell him, “Hey, at least I’m not venomous!”

  57. You know some curmudgeonly person is going to have a total fit when they see what you’ve done after they removed your “waste of space” Found sign.

    I…I can’t stop laughing. I can’t believe I didn’t see where you were going with this. You’re a genius.

  59. FTW! You are so awesome and I LOVE your sense of humor! I would love to have you as my neighbor, so whoever took down the side should go piss off…

  61. Oh my god, I missed the first signs. That shit is funny.

    But the next sign?? That shit is beyond hilarious. I love sarcasm. Especially yours.

  64. I’m gonna start looking right now. Then later when I get the reward i’ll be so happy i’ll say “i think im seizing”. I waill either be happy for getting the reward or maybe it will be the hug from the snake.

  65. Kitten Thunder’s Girl — Some people stared sining it, not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because…

  66. NICE! Someone in my neighborhood plastered all the light poles with “STOLEN: My Trailer” signs. I wanna put another sign next to his saying “PLEASE STEAL MY TRAILER” signs, bc the piece of crap my husband has parked in our driveway is driving me insane.

  71. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I hope you find the sign, and the snake’s owner very soon. He/she is almost certainly missing their “mouth hugs” right about now.

  74. It’s really heartbreaking when you discover that the people you have to call neighbours steal the things you love.

  77. I once lost a coffee mug and considered ordering a new mug with a picture of the old mug on it, with the caption “HAVE YOU SEEN ME??” Sadly, I was too broke at the time to be able to afford such luxuries as custom coffee mugs.

  82. You bring joy into my heart…and tears of laughter in my eyes. This was a great start to my day.

  83. That’s typical in this day and age. Nobody respects anybody else’s things. All you’re trying to do is reunite a pet with its owner and this is the kind of crap you have to endure. Well I for one am proud of your efforts and think you should be commended for selflessly putting yourself out there, regardless of the abuse others wish to heap upon you. Bravo, I say.

  88. I can’t wait for the post that will come months from now with a picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that sign.

  89. Hilarious! I wish I could catch a glimpse inside of your head to see how your brain works. It really is an amazing thing.

    Also funny? These comments! They make me laugh too…

  91. Good thing you went with “hugs with mouth” instead of “snake massages always include happy endings.” Otherwise the happy ending hater would have snatched it again.

  93. Oh holy hell, woman, you are a genius! I LOVE it. Thanks for keeping me, and your neighborhood, entertained!

  94. Holy crap you make me laugh so hard! I can’t even tell you how many weird looks I get when I’m reading your blog at work! You’re awesome!

  95. The facebook post had me nervous that someone had stolen beyonce. I was upset but reading this made me of course sad for your loss, but happy for b. It seems obvious to me that bitey’s original owners don’t want him back anymore so THEY are the ones stealing your sign. Those poor people. They probably don’t have the money to keep him properly clothed. I hope this makes your next mission clear.

  96. I bet a follower saw your sign, saw it on the street and decided to keep a momento. It is possible! 😉 No I don’t live in Texas, so I’m not it! lol

  97. Maybe you should enlist the help of the enthusiastic Samuel L Jackson, he hasn’t done anything in a while.. just sayin’

  100. How much deeper does the rabbit hole go, Jenny? My guess: much deeper.

    I think you should tout the rattlesnake’s special skills including: fabulous babysitter (built in rattle), guard snake and excellent at cleaning behind furniture.

  101. My co-workers and I read this every day to get our day started. It is inevitable that my “wheezing” laugh comes out and tears start running down my face. Where are people like you in my life? This kind of humor is priceless! Love it!

  104. It’s not every day sign thief reporting is rewarded with a slutty snake – you make the magic happen. Like Disney, but less misogynistic and racist.

  112. Hopefully someone will see the sign about your missing sign and help you get it back. Then you can give away the snake as a reward, and put the original sign back up, about the snake you found… but you won’t have him anymore, because he was a reward, so there’s no need for the original sign. And if there’s no need for it, why are you trying to get it back in the first place?

    I’m getting dizzy, and I can’t tell if everything is working out perfectly or if you’re opening a terrifying conundrum. You’d better just keep Mr. Bitey. But get him a collar!

  114. This kind of thing would never happen if people would put collars on their pets. Oh-wait, I feel like that point has been brought up before. If only I had a sign to reference.

  120. My god.

    Why is this not on a milk carton yet?

    Would handing out “Missing” fliers while wearing a Stormtrooper costume help? Cos I can TOTALLY do that. Someone just needs to hook a girl up with an empty Powerade bottle to pee in.

  122. LMAO! I want to take a R/L picture of this sign for my blog! I can’t wait to get to Texas in my RV. I just know it’s going to be a great state!

    Do you know about the Waylon Jennings Museum and Drive-thru Liquor Store in Littlefield, TX? How can you not love a state that has drive-thru liquor store tributes to singers, and people concerned about pet snake posters.

  123. Thank goodness my monitor is 2′ away from my face… I just spit coffee from laughing. That’s what I get for reading your blog while consuming a hot beverage. My keyboard wasn’t so lucky. Hilarious!

  124. Hi Jenny,
    Thank You for all of your postings during the past week or so, you have literally kept me in stitches!
    I have to remember the next time when one of our pets (we have two hamsters) go missing that you will make our Lost Sign for us:-)

  128. Are you sure the rattler isnt related to Copernicus?

    The whole hugs with his mouth seems too Copernicusian.

  131. LOL, now all we need is someone to take a picture of your sign and post it somewhere.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  132. Horrible sign stealer. But now I must admit to my own stealing of signs.This is so much funnier than the passive aggressive war that I have going with my neighbor. She has apparently decided that unauthorized use of our dumpster is a major issue. Despite the fact that I am pretty sure the problem was a one time thing when someone was moving out. So she has been putting no trespassing signs up on the garbage. Initially written in sharpie on paper towels. Which I thought was ridiculous, so I tore it down. And it went back up. The situation has escalated over the course of three weeks to multiple types of signs taped, glued, and plastered on the dumpster. With significant effort expended to make them indestructible. All of which I have been taking down. I don’t go out of my way, I just get rid of the sign if I happen to notice a new one up when I take the trash out. It has to be driving her crazy. It amuses me, but I do understand that I am a little unbalanced in this situation. She and I have a history of disagreement over much more substantial issues than signs on dumpsters (e.g. mismanagement of condo association funds, calling the police on my plumber and saying he was breaking into the building – she got a ticket from the police for that because they sent multiple police cars with sirens and then she stupidly admitted to knowing exactly who he was and who let him into the building.) So I find this to be a relatively harmless release of my aggression toward her. And it is sneaky, so she can’t actually pin it on me. And start screaming at me. Which she has done before. Maybe one day she will move away…would the snake be interested in a snack? She also has this horrible cat…

  134. you are hysterical!! i want to live in your neighborhood. giant metal chickens, missing rattlesnakes, never a dull moment. i love it!!

  136. Before you go giving that rattlesnake away can I borrow it to take care of a little mouse problem I might be having? I’m thinking a mouth-hug is exactly what mickey needs. Also – this plan? Foolproof.

  137. (digitally written in letters cut out of online magazines) I have the snake. And the sign. Bring $500,000 in pre-1964 dimes to the corner of Lexington and 5th at midnight on the full moon after next, or I make boots out of the snake and an origami dolphin out of the sign……wait, I have big feet…..do you have another snake?

  138. Just fantastic. And now i can tell my husband he was wrong. Animals do give hugs with their mouths. He was all, ” let it go, it doesn’t like you” Now i know it just likes me better than him. I think I just won.

  139. In case your town doesn’t have a Lexington & 5th, or if it does, but there isnt a corner there, then leave the dimes at the nearest town that does. And make it three full moons from now. I have a dentist appointment the day after the other midnight, and I don’t want to be all tired.

  140. You seriously have no idea how much I look forward to your posts. I always end up laughing out loud and having to share it with others in the office. Thank you for your humor – in a world gone stupidly mad, you are the bright part of an otherwise annoying day.

  144. I am sure you just put a huge ass wrinkle in the space time continuum. And please don’t tell me what that means, I think it’s from Back to the Future or something.

  145. OMG!! I’m glad I’m home alone reading this post! I get looked at strangely when I laugh out loud for seemingly no reason. If they only knew… 😀

  146. I love it! You need little snake tongues that you tear off to aid in your search! I mean seriously… Smooches Jenny

  148. So, do we see a new companion for the three kitties who are the boss of you OR do you have a new pair of snake skinned boots? Great post!

  149. I’m with previous commenter Stephanie…clearly you filed this one incorrectly 😉
    We’re ALL finding it funny!

  154. I have no doubt that if you ever decided to run for president you would win. Not only because you are hilarious and everyone would love you, but because you are the most persistent person I have ever seen and would wear down the opposition through cheery, but slightly homicidal propaganda.

  157. I am pretty sure I want the T-shirt for this one. If you find the snake owner- will you interview him (you know it’s a him) just for us? Please?

  159. Wow. My husband told me lots of people give mouth hugs and I never believed him. Maybe I should be giving more mouth hugs. I mean, if snakes can do it, why can’t I? Right? RIGHT?

  163. Oh my GOD… I hope your sign is okay!! Maybe it just went out for cigarettes and will be right back? I’m sure the lure of a free rattlesnake as a reward will be enough incentive to have it returned safely back to you. I’m praying….

  166. That’s just funny.. but….sounds like someone you know. Considering how it hugs…just a thought.

  168. You should totally buy some rubber snakes and toss them about the neighborhood and hide in the bushes, taking photographs of people slamming on their brakes to RUN OVER the rubber snakes.

  172. That kinda made my brain hurt just a little right now. But that could just be the Red Bull talkin’.

  173. You are going to inspire legions of your minions to post neighborhood signs.

    This is a truly beautiful day for earth. And rattlesnakes. And signs.

    Bravo!

    Let the signage begin!

  176. Would you be my neighbor??? No really, the people around me have no personality what-so-ever!! Your antics would be greatly appreciated by me!!

  177. Now see, this is the problem. You probably should have initially called the ASPCA or PETA instead of informing the bad snake parents that you found their snake. I’m sure it was them that took down the sign since they do not want their child-snake returned to them. Probably because of those excessively loving hugs he is always giving with his mouth. I mean, if you can’t properly care for a lovey mouth hugging snakey-poo, then you should really be reported to the authorities, I say. Plus, they are larcenous bastards as well. Where do you live, Jenny . . . in the ghetto?

  178. Before I read all the witty comments from your incredibly talented and witty minions, I have to tell you that I LOVE YOU JENNY! You make me smile and then my memories of reading your blog make me smile! My 13 year old son asks every night… “Mom, read me The Bloggess” which is sure to send me to hell (or at least “bad parenting classes”) but I don’t care. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

  180. I read this post (and the snake sign one) to my kids. They thought it was hilarious. They will probably be quoting it the rest of the day.
    Also, my daughter wants to send you a bunch of rubber snakes so you’ll have something real to give whoever finds your missing sign.
    Also also, my kids want to put up their own signs around our neighborhood. This could get interesting.

  184. I’m telling you guys, I’d buy rubber snakes. And then, in the dead of night, I think I’d go put one on the front porch of every house in the neighborhood.

  187. Sadly, I think the answer to your question can be found in the original sign. Because we know that the snake (who may or may not be named Tiberious) is “very angry” and comes “from a bad home,” I think HE likely absconded with the sign as he has no interest in returning to this so-called home. Perhaps he is looking to earn his GED and strike out in his own in the world. God, I hope he doesn’t get mixed up in drugs or prostitution. I expect we’ll be seeing the Lifetime Movie soon.

  192. When the sign returns, how will you deliver said snake? The one who “gives hugs with mouth”. I would very much like to see the trade off on that one.

  194. I saw that snake in my agent’s office. He was being cast in Snakes On A Sign.

    This town is so unfair to women.

  195. You should move to a better – or at least a little looser – neighborhood because there are obviously some anal-retentive douche canoes in your neighborhood and they don’t deserve to have you as a neighbor!

    Of course, if you stay, this sign will also come down because people who rip down funny signs are just too closed-minded to leave well enough alone and then IT. WILL. BE. ON! and I can’t see it ending any way but badly as the surveillance camera (partly paid for by YOUR homeowner’s association dues) catches “someone wearing a wig” in the act of putting up yet another replacement sign and the rent-a-cop then comes and hauls you off to the county lockup where Victor will have to bail you out. Or maybe that’s not a bad ending after all because it would provide plenty of raw material for your blog and that would make us all laugh. Keep up the good work!

  197. Did anyone ever tell you that you could probably get blood from a stone? Or venom from a poster gag? Or possibly rust from a chicken? Because you could.

  198. I’m glad you’re being so proactive.
    Someone needs to understand the importance of snake reunions.
    Maybe the person who advised to ‘keep collars on your pets’ took the sign after going home only to realize *her/his* snake was missing and was sans-collar. It was likely an act of shame. Snake-reunion hatred and shame.

  200. Jenny, just how do your synapses fire?? Too funny…thank you for the laugh, while I spit out my wine…

  201. I just found your blog today, and I haven’t stopped laughing out loud from your posts (not like hehe lol, but seriously laughing out loud at work – coworker asked if I was alright). Hysterical. Period.

  202. Now there’s the Texans Ive come to know and love… the thieving kind! I can’t wait to hear about the reunion with your sign.

  205. Brilliant!! I almost choked on my popcorn!

    Note to self: Reading The Bloggess could be dangerous to your health!! Bah ha ha
    In future, I’ll make sure I’m not eating when I open up your Blog.

  209. I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a snake. Asking it to face hug me.

    People think snakes would be slimy in between your boobs, but nope- silky.

  210. You know, I was thinking the other day how just totally awesome it would be to meet with you for coffee and hear the things that you would talk about while I try to not choke on my coffee……

    but then I realized that I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything funny to say……

    This is hilarious….can’t wait to see what ‘the neighbors’ do next.

  212. Quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen all day today. Really. Seriously. I do think this is genuine funny stuff!

    (Now to subscribe to your blog… Yay!)

  216. I agree, I think this is *exactly* how wormholes are discovered. It’s like that song little kids sing about the friendship circle that goes round and round with no end. But hilarious. And potentially dangerous. And slightly confusing.
    Maybe in the next photo you should have a picture of said “reward snake” positioned in a circle. Make sure he’s wearing a collar. Captioned “Free Wormhole with your Large Rattlesnake Reward”.
    Make sure to dump lots of glitter in the center of the snake-circle. Glitter makes magic, just like with vampires.

  217. I’m taking a wine class right now and I feel that “very bitey angry rattlesnake” may be a component that we pick up in different wines from the Texas wine country. I will suggest this as a flavor in our next wine class.

  221. you do realize that you are deconstructing the blog and bringing the social network back to the bulletin board? bravo!

  228. that poor anal bulletin board monitor. Bet they didn’t see that coming.

    Do you think we’ll see a posting declaring what postings are appropriate for this bulletin board in the vein of “your wrong/your wrong”?

  229. Jen, are you simply “blessed” with this comedic brilliance or are you assisted with medicinal aids. And, if Beyonce comes up missing, what would your BOLO poster look like?

  230. Jenny,
    I LOVE you, but I HATE snakes. Thank you for making me laugh, the world would be boring without you.

  233. I think “I might be seizing”……LOL! Best way to end a night, a good seize and a bitey mouth hug! Priceless!

  238. You know the feeling when you’re writing a comment and then the computer is all, “PUBLISH” and you’re all, “no no, I wasn’t finished yet, computer” and then it’s all, “too bad, I’m publishing anyway,” and then “you’re all FUCK YOU COMPUTER,” and then you debate whether you should publish another comment with the rest of what you were going to say in the first comment but instead write a comment about a conversation with your computer?

    Yeah, me too.

  241. Aww the rattlesnake issue? My husband would find a way to turn that into something sexual. He always does. I think your sign was hysterical! I find it even more hysterical that the person responded. It reminds me of the time I saw a sign in our residential area that said, “Goat For Sale.” I really wanted to check it out… kinda like you do when you are buying a car….lmao

  242. I’ve never lost a sign or a sign about a lost sign. I did loose my air guitar at work. I even got all my team together and asked them if anyone had seen my air guitar. One of them is a smartass, he wanted to know what colour it is. Orange of course, they’d only seen a purple one so obviously that wasn’t mine. I still haven’t found it. I thought that I might find it soon so I rang the local musical instrument shop and asked them how much it would be to get it tuned when I find it because it is lost somewhere in an industrial kitchen and it would probably be greasy or wet.
    The guy thought about it for a couple of seconds and then said “Eighty Dollars” and he’d need to keep it for a couple of days. I said “Seriously $80 to tune an air guitar…?”
    “yep” he said “$80, it’s a standard fee for air guitars no matter the brand” and laughed.
    Just goes to show our boss shouldn’t leave us alone and bored…hang on I am the boss….ummmm.

  243. That… that couldn’t be… it looks like my missing sign, but someone has added stuff about a snake and a DIFFERENT sign on it…

    It used to say something about a collection of animal figurines I once had for sale.

    I, I hardly recognised it, I mean it’s been a while and things changed, how it got all the way over there is beyond me.

    Cellulose fibre IS pretty determined I guess…

  244. Thank you for making me laugh..I hate snake ..I do think this is genuine funny stuff!Keep on posting..I hope many people will like this..

  247. Can’t wait to see the “Rattlesnake. Very bitey. Gives hugs with mouth” T-shirt in your Zazzle store.

    ~EdT.

  248. If I could vacation anywhere I wanted, I’d pick “Inside Jenny’s brain.” And while I was there, I’d try to steal the secret recipe for Be The Funniest Person Ever.

  251. Gives hugs with mouth!!!!

    I’m going to go light some incense and pray to St. James Garfield for the speedy return of the lost sign.

  253. I have a link to your blog posted on my blog because I feel that after people have been sufficiently depressed by my rambling drivel they ought to have a place to go for some actual entertainment. You never disappoint. Today, however, I was scanning the titles of linked blog entries and came to yours that said ‘MISSING’, except that, at the instant I saw it, a ginormous floater sailed across my right eye and what I saw instead of ‘MISSING’ was ‘KISSING’. WTF? Was there a rip in the fabric of the space/time continuum? Had the Earth spun off its axis and graves been opened for the start of the Zombie Apocalypse? I can’t tell you how truly frightening this title was. I had a visceral reaction. There might have been some significant scrotum shrinkage. I managed to get the little arrow over the link, but I couldn’t make myself click it until the floater finally drifted to port revealing the lovely ‘M’.

  254. That is why I have a shovel with me any time I am out in the yard. Live in the country and do not like any snake around my doors to the house.

  255. Holy Hannah!!! I am literally crying from laughing!! You truly are one twisted sister and I adore you for it!!

  261. Stop it – you just made me pee my pants from laughing so hard (and I am at work)

  262. I heard from a reliable source that Wil Wheaton stole your sign. He’s jealous because you’ve gone so many posts without mentioning him lately. Maybe he would accept a ball of twine in return for your sign?

  263. Awesome idea. Let’s get it on a milk carton too.

    Just want you to know that “only the smart people will cringe” shirt is now being worn proudly by my 13-year-old son, at middle school. He’s supposed to be keeping tabs on which teachers cringe.

  266. I think it’s important to go ahead and call the police. It’s time they put out an APB for the sign. Also, as another commenter posted earlier, *this* is exactly why we can’t have nice things.

  269. Have you checked eBay? That’s where I would have it now, if I lived anywhere near you.

    Please excuse me if this has already been suggested. You get more comments then I have time to read.

  272. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAA!! BRILLLLLIANT!

    They are totally going to fine your ass. I can’t WAIT to see hte nasty gram! HAHAH

  275. Next thing you know, they’re gonna create rules about posting things in the glass enclosed posting place. And when you break them, they will come for you.

  279. Bloody Brilliant! Couldn’t stop laughing, love the way your brain works please always use your powers for good!

  281. If I lived in your neighborhood I would definitely be stealing your flyers. Everyone needs a good battle, lol!

  283. If you keep making these signs much longer, you’ll either have a piece of M.C. Escher artwork on your hands, a portal to Hell, or a rift in the space-time continuum (the last two of which might also lead you to a world ruled by metal chickens)

  286. You know, if you start signing your signs, then the vandals can sell them on ebay and your fans will bid on them which will pump money into your community and you’ll be a hero!

  289. I’m pretty sure no one is taking your signs seriously due to the devastating lack of glitter. At this point you may need to employee puffy paint in addition to shit tons of glitter. Glittery rattle snake drawings = serious business

  292. That is so freakin funny. The best part is you are driving somebody completely nuts. The person who wrote the comment about the collars is pretty funny also .

  295. You should make your next sign, put it in an envelope, and attach it to that sign, and write a note asking the person who steals this sign to go ahead and put up the one in the envelope. I just hate to see you have to waste your time when the inevitable happens.

  296. Sarcasm, irony and a good dose of Jenny orneriness at Theo best! What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall to witness the guilty culpret’s face when they see the new signs. You keep me laughing, even on my worst days! Thanks for being you. 🙂

  297. “Mainly because I work from home and have an entire ream of copy paper at my disposal. I can do this all damn day, vandals.”

    You should add that to the next one. Also consider stapling copies on telephone poles, etc.

    On the other hand, removing it may be due to frustration since you leave no contact information. Create one on gmail, etc and post it so they can email you.

  298. Sarcasm, irony and a good dose of Jenny orneriness at its best! What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall to witness the guilty culpret’s face when they see the new signs. You keep me laughing, even on my worst days! Thanks for being you. 🙂

  299. This makes me wish you lived in my neighborhood. Provided you left the snakes where they are and didn’t bring them with you, that is.

  300. Hilarious….totally something I would do. I have found my new favorite blog. Kindred spirits in futility…

  303. have you considered a stakeout and a snapshot? followed of course by a “Wanted: Sign thief – do you know this person?” poster

  306. Somebody, somewhere is just waiting to shank you with pencils probably. I on the other hand would love to have a coffee sized flip book made of this entire thread. I think it would be an epic read.

  308. aaahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa! i bet the buzz-kill that is fucking with the sign has a ‘NO SNAKES’ sign in his/her yard – jerk.

  309. I swear you are the reason I started blogging. Anxious people are always funniest with the right outlet. Clearly yours is community signboards.

    how is this not on passiveaggressivenotes.com yet?

  310. I think you should make a sign that is like lining up two mirrors…..Signs into infinity. Then make a card. For the rooster.

  312. I so wish I lived in your town…. I have so many fun ideas of what I would put up on the board!! 🙂

  314. I think that there needs to be a sign warning people that you have a monkey named Copernicus and you won’t want to – but you’re not afraid to use him as a watch monkey because it’s a sad, sad world when signs go missing.

    And then casually mention that he’s ALMOST as friendly as the missing rattlesnake. And that it’s his personal philosophy that “a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet”.

    Game ON.

  316. Jenny, I love you. You are a whole human-sized parcel of awesomeness.

  317. Totally off subject here but hey, where better? Saw a couple of days ago that Target had about a half a dozen adult sized chicken Halloween costumes at about $77 apiece. Today? All gone. Can’t wait to see if any of them show up with any Beyonce’ style signs on them at the Halloween dance my husband and I attend! I’ll send you pictures if they do. (Durham, NC)

  318. I feel that this seems like a job for J. Walter Weatherman.

    *arm socket oozing blood*

    “And that’s why you don’t steal signs from the community message board”

  320. When your updates multiply the funny of the original post exponentially, you know you’re in good shape as a blogger.

  322. This is easy. Obviously, the people who used to own the snake stole the sign, they were the bad home, that was full of sign thieves…

  326. I took your last sign and I’m gonna sell it on Ebay! Oh, and I’m in your yard right now, riding Beyonce.

    I hope you don’t mind.

    Girl to Mom- Heidi

  327. Holy batballs, this is just like a mirror in front of a mirror in front of a mirror until it disappears into infinity.
    I need to be careful, my computer may cross into another pinhole dimension and suck me into the vortex. Damn, and I have towels still in the dryer…

  328. and of COURSE Angel made a comment halfway up the page like this ALREADY. Just like junior high when I came to school on dress up day NOT dressed up…behind and alone… sniff…

  330. The sign was stolen because it was just SO AWESOME and someone really needed to add some awesomeness to their drab existence. It’s probably framed and hanging over their fireplace!

  331. O.M.F.G.! I’m pissing rattlesnakes up here! You are my queen!

    Sign thieves should be tanned and made into cowboy boots!

  333. They underestimated you. They probably didn’t think you kept a picture of the first sign, or the second sign. But they were WRONG, very, very, wrong. Soon though, it’s going to start looking like when you hold two mirrors facing each other if they keep stealing your signs. A never ending missing sign sign.

  334. You need to combine these posters with your “Be kind or be cut” sign some how.

  335. FOUND: sign at grocery store.

    It reads:

    Lost Dog
    Answers to Missy
    Not wearing sweater
    Probably cold
    Call with information at (xxx)xxx-xxxx
    REWARD.

  336. I would KILL to be at your next HOA meeting. Wait…..do they even have those in Texas?

  338. My post office used to give me much joy with 2 slots, one marked ALL MAIL, the other ALL OTHER MAIL.
    ALL MAIL was a super professional handmade paper sign and covered the original destination of local post/zip codes. It was up for 2 years, and increased my postal joy with every use. Then one day my brother’s friend got the job managing the post office. First thing he did- you guessed it: ‘fixed up’ those signs. What a fucking dweeb. I switched post offices.

  339. If only setting up a video camera wasn’t such a pain…. I’d love to see the thief’s reaction every time a new sign appears. This could go on and on and on. I’m picturing it all playing out in old time black and white style with piano music. Dramatic piano music.

  340. Clearly there is some sort of reversed-kidnapping Mafia shit going on here. They KNOW you have Mister Bitey and they’re not letting ANYONE contact you to return him to his home.

    This…this could be bad…

  346. This is my lucky day! I’m decorating my living room with posters that have to do with found rattlesnakes and also with signs that have to do with those found signs going missing.

    Unfucking believable!!! I found 2 of them, and have a line on a third!

    SAAAWWWEEETTTT!!!!

  351. Oh My! The best part is that you are driving someone batty! Keep up the good work! 😉

  354. Alan, Post #278, I thought you wrote “Your brain gives me herpes” and I thought, “Well shit, I want to take MY relationship with Jenny to the next level too!”. But then I saw “happies”, and now I just feel all empty inside. And a little ashamed.

  356. I may have to stop reading your blog until after my baby is born. I may crush him from laughing so effing hard! If you are medicated, keep taking the meds. if not, don’t start. Have you thought about using rubber cement to adhere a poster to the pole? It would kinda kill the run you have going, but imagine the consternation of the person trying to take it down….

    I can’t thank you enough for your blogs. You’re way better than anti-depressants. Or crack. Not sure about weed though…that would be a hard call…I take that back. If pot heads read your blog, they’d probably die from suffocation because they’re laughing sooo damned hard they can’t breathe.

  358. I am enjoying this impish sign play as much as the next guy but I think we’ve lost focus here. For the love of God, where in the Sam Hill is poor Tiberious,the bitey, neglected, mouth-hugging snake?!!? He could have slithered halfway to Canada by now.

  361. You know…If you just applied a bit of glue to the back you wouldn’t lose so many signs. Hard to lose something that won’t come off. I’m just sayin. Also you should get a bunch of different ppl to take shifts and scope out the place to find the culpret and when they go to steal your sign you can ba all, “Ha! Caught ya!” and then write them (cause you’re a writer) a fake ticket for theft. Oh, wait! That’s what I would do. I call dibs on 1st shift!

  363. I hate to point this out… When you have a missing snake involved and 2 missing signs It is plain time to call in Dog the Bounty Hunter and Chuck Norris. Dog will Find ’em and Chuck will .. Well he is Chuck… You should always invite him. Go twitter him now. What better could there possible be to do.

    With that being said, I have taken some F’ in good happy pills and this might not make sense.. I hope it does.. It does in my head.

  364. I love how you think! I sit here, alone in my kitchen, laughing out loud (I hope I don’t wake the kids)! I wish you lived on my street and were part of our PTA. We could you a mind like yours!

  365. fantastic. I had a dream about passing these signs last night. A sign about a sign that is a sign of the end of times for sure.

  371. I’m starting to think when your mother told you “pick your battles” you read into that something ENTIRELY different than she probably meant.

  372. You are totally going to win this. All they have for motivation is common sense, HA, they have no idea how battles are won.

  374. I think *they* are fighting a losing battle. I wish my neighborhood had a board like this. Oh the fun I could have… 😀

  375. I showed this to my boyfriend. He was not amused.

    I, on the other hand, could not contain my peals of laughter. Why don’t I have friends like you!?

  379. Said it all earlier, just using you now to point others to my latest blog cos I know you are a kind sharing person, aren’t you? BTW my latest blog was going to be about one book but I ended up commenting on six !!!!!

  380. Everytime you do this, you should use a bigger piece of paper, until there is a fucking huge paper taking up the entire bulletin board with every sign inside it close to its actual size.

  381. How many photos of a missing snake sign that’s gone missing like the original missing snake itself, and of the missing snake sign missing sign that’s also gone missing will it take for the wormhole to open?

    I think i just confused myself.

  383. You’re gonna push some little old lady over the edge and the bulletin board will be removed, put behind glass, or require pre-approval from someone lacking your twisted sense of humor. Watch for the surveillance cameras and motion lights, they’re next. Sign posters (and sign stealers) will all blame YOU, and come after you with pitchforks and other stabby things.

  388. Question … how do we know Victor isn’t removing the sign as secretly wants to keep Bitey at least until he/she gets hungry enough to eat Beyonce, thus effectively winning that war? Hmmmmm?

  389. it’s starting to read like the credits of Monty Python and the holy grail…..

    The directors of the firm hired to
    continue the credits after the other
    people had been sacked, wish it to
    be known that they have just been
    sacked.

    The credits have been completed
    in an entirely different style at great
    expense and at the last minute.

  391. I’m interested to see how long this lasts. I’m thinking of putting up a notice about commen sense missing and it will probably go on as long as yours does, considering our HOA board prez is such a huge douche he could cleanse a whale vagina.

  392. IT’S TOTALLY VICTOR.

    Next up,
    a sign saying, “Have you seen this chicken? [insert picture of Beyonce] Call Victor at: 555-555-0000”

  393. You should maybe check eBay… I wonder if someone is stealing your signs to sell for some extra spending money so they can buy their OWN copy paper.

    Or maybe they’re holding the signs for ransom until you ante up not only the rattlesnack, but also a metal chicken wearing a flying pig for a hat… ??

  397. This is probably the BEST blog post I’ve ever read featuring a stolen sign about a missing sign that’s about a found rattlesnake. Oh, wait–maybe the second best… no, it’s definitely number one.

    And Jenny, I just want you to know YOU are one of the reasons I am so far behind on all the “important” stuff.

  398. I’m picturing an old lady in a house coat and curlers, watching you from her window, waiting for you to post another sign so she can march out and tear it down…also, by old lady I mean my grandmother. She’s probably your culprit.

  403. This is like those old “Choose your own adventure” books, but your version keeps making you flip between two pages, just to fuck with the reader(s).

  404. This WILL be the gift that keeps on giving. I agree with Mr Farty above. Use the snake to guard the missing/found/new sign. I would gladly come over to stake out the bulletin board for you armed with a video camera. I would just require some anti-venom in case I get bitten by the guarding snake..

  405. YOU are BRILLIANT!
    I wish you lived in my neighborhood!

    Maybe a sign about a 7 step program for sign stealing hoarders?

  407. I think you should NAIL a freakin fake snake to that bulletin board with some halloween blood with a copy of your missing sign in it’s mouth and tell them you’re through trying to find the real owners, here’s the damn bitey snake. That oughtta get the little old lady in curlers riled up REAL GOOD.

  411. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I cried. That hasn’t happened in a while and it feels good. 🙂

  412. This exact situation happened to me at work. Someone stole a work poster from my desk so I put up a missing sign with a picture of the poster. Someone then stole the missing sign. So I put up a missing sign of the missing sign. Someone returned the missing sign but not the poster.

  413. 1. I’m TOTALLY doing this and sending you a picture of it.
    2. I think we could be best friends….not in that stalker sort of way where I hide in your bushes and watch you brush your teeth….Texas is too hot for me, but if you moved to SC and were cool with it, I’d definitely be your stalker BFF.

  415. @Amy #370 – I must have taken away the same lesson as Jenny. What DID our moms mean? lol

  417. I just found this blog, and stumbled upon this entry.
    I have NEVER laughed so hard at a blog entry. NEVER. You my dear are amazing!

  418. Just how many times to you plan to make me shoot coffee out of my nose all over my keyboard with these damn signs?

  419. OMG I love your site! You are one hilarious “fucking bitch”. Still can’t get over that huge PR fail, but loved the way you handled it!

  420. Let’s hope it keeps getting stolen so you can make repeated posters which will the create a feed-back loop and become a portal to the snake dimensions.

    It’s science.

  425. Hey, the third handwritten note looks like my brother’s handwriting!

    But he’s not an old lady.

    And he’s not in Texas.

    It does, however, match his wit. Steve, is that you?

  430. I just can’t wait for you to post “MISSING: REAM OF PAPER (no photo – not until I can get to OfficeMax to pick up more copy paper)”. LOL

  431. WOW, thanks for that. I introduced my husband to you today for the first time and we were both crying from laughing so hard.
    PS, do you need a special kind of printer to handle that kind of volume?

  432. If the latest sign disappears, I think you should post a ransom note for “Safe Return of the Sign-Stealing Punk.” It won’t bring back your missing signs (unless you request them), but could you imagine the look on people’s faces (cos for sure they didn’t miss the original “very bitey” sign”) when they see the ransom note?!

  433. I havent laughed this hard in a VERY long time! I adore your sense of humor!

  435. Firstly I want to say thank you because this post made me wet my pants, well it would have if I wasn’t so fucking awesome at pelvic floor exercises, and secondly since discovering your blog, I have slowly been reading back through all your posts, currently page 51 (Hitler’s still alive with only one testicle, thank you Google) but I think I may have over done it because I have these weird conversations in my head that always end with ‘WTF? asshole’ or ‘I’ll stab you’ and I strangely want to go find something taxidermied to hang on my wall and give it an awesome name like Marmaduke.
    Oh and lastly I was reading the blog on the toilet the other day and I read for too long and my toes went blue…I blame you if my toes fall off.
    Lauren.

  438. I stole it to sell on e-bay. Starting bid $500. I need the money for my therapy sessions.

  441. Whenever I’m having one of those types of battles – you know, losing and not all that important to me – when I give up (oh the shame), I quote a good friend and say “not the hill I want to die on.”

    With that I say – interesting hill you’ve chosen to die on, Jenny. By rattlesnake bite (unless the True Grit guy comes to suck out the poison I guess).

  448. love big ol’ snakes- all they want to do is find someone to love and wrap around them in an affectionate way, if you find one, you’ve got a friend for life !!

  452. Please move to Maryland. It’s too goddamned boring up here, and you are Just. The. Gal. I need to help me plot outrageous stunts and pull them off.

  453. I tried to tell this story in person… and it’s just not the same without the pictures!

  454. YEEEESSSSS!!!!! I just read my fiancé this post as well as the mongoose-cobra story. I laughed so hard I cried. He gave me a horrified look and just said, “… oh god…”

    I think he likes it.

  457. Okay, I thought your post was hysterical. Then I went back and read the last comment right above mine. WOW. Please tell me you are kidding Cait!

  458. I nearly spit my drink out of my nose. YOU KILL ME! Love, love, LOVE your blog. Thank you for so many nearly-peed-my-pants moments!

  459. >>> Sarcasm: It’s what’s for breakfast

    Ah, this isn’t mere sarcasm. It goes WAAAAaayyyyy beyond sarcasm. It is pure, grade-a unadulterated SNARK, that’s what it is.

    And no, it is not a boojum, so no one need fear softly and slowly fading away.

  460. i noticed a disturbing lack of community bulletin boards a couple months ago when my boyfriend was trying to sell his car.
    someone told me it was due to liability issues from people getting scammed on or sexually solicited.

    i had no idea there was a snake problem too…

  468. Cait, it’s Texas, they find us. In the living room, on the front porch, above your head on the back porch overhang, in the pool, under your car. They’re everywhere. That’s part of the reason we own guns.

  475. This post is literally killing me. (Seriously…a nebulizer is now involved because I couldn’t breathe…) The hilarious part is that I’ve read it before, but it still wants me dead.

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