I’m helping. Also, I might be arrested.

in blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, Random Crap, weekly reruns

I live in rural Texas, so every ten feet there’s a sign warning motorists that there are deer.  The signs so prevalent that you don’t even notice them anymore, and they serve no purpose at all, unless you’re suddenly new to the existence of deer.

Meh.

In an entirely unrelated and non-illegal note, did you know that Kinko’s will print almost any sign that you make, no questions asked?

No one speeds in my neighborhood anymore.

PS.  Victor just yelled at me because apparently you can get arrested for posting unicorn-crossing signs regardless of your intentions, but then I reminded him that this whole post was just hypothetical, and that he probably shouldn’t drive down our street today.  Then he sighed and said that it was a terrific waste of money, mainly because people would drive much more carefully if I’d put a giant Kraken on the sign, or maybe one that said “WATCH FOR MINOTAURS.”  Then I said that it would be better if it said “WATCH FOR MINOTAURS ON BRIDGE” and he pointed out that we didn’t live anywhere near a bridge, and then I explained that that would make drivers even more alert, because even if they were already minotaur-vigilant, they’d be all “Wait…when did they put in a bridge?  I should really slow down and pay more attention to my surroundings.”

Victor said he couldn’t argue with that, but I suspect it’s less because of my sound logic and more because he’s perfectly aware of how these disagreements end.

**********

In unrelated news, it’s Monday!  Which means I’m late for the weekly wrap-up.  Again.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

250 thoughts on “I’m helping. Also, I might be arrested.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Yay!!! I always get so excited for a new post from you Jenny. But you did confuse me a little and I had to make sure it wasn’t sunday.

  4. Chelsea Handler & the Sedaris siblings! That is awesomesauce! And totally terrifying.
    Have a chambord slushie. Make that two. Make them doubles.
    Then breathe deep & say “I belong here next to Chelsea & Amy & David & those other Sedarises.”
    Because you do.

  5. That’s amazing. Way cooler and more creative than the red circle stickers people stick on deer crossing signs in December. You know, to Rudolph-ify the deer. Unicorns are way cooler and I would totally break for them.

    But dragons? I’m not sure. I might run them over and hope to make a phatty claim on my insurance.

  6. This is so much more awesome than the kids who defaced the stop sign in front of my house so that it now reads: STOP with (Hammer Time) beneath it. You win at the internet, Jenny.

  7. I wonder how much my homeowners wil fine me for putting that up in our little park area? Because a couple of unicorns have been hit by hooligans riding on the sidewalk where they’re not supposed to, and I hate my stupid fees to go torward unicorn body removal and burial.

  9. I’m not showing this to my husband. The very mention of minotaurs or the Kraken would prompt an immediate relocation to Texas. I’m not ready for that.

  10. I happen to know there is at least one unicorn living in Texas. I’m sure he’d be grateful for the sign you made and will feel much better crossing the street now.

  11. Aren’t unicorns dangerous, really? Before we made them all fuzzy and cute, they were ferocious!

    (btw, thanks for the blog. one of the few things that makes me laugh my ass off on a regular basis)

  13. Please make this a t-shirt. and a poster. and possibly sticky decal wall art so I can freak out my neighbors.

  14. Beware of minotaurs sign would be very cool. Living in England near Dartmoor (ie fairyland) I keep wanting to put up Troll crossing signs…except I think trolls are Nordic. Maybe I can do orcs instead.
    Also we should probably get a “Beware of the American” sign. My neighbours would appreciate that.

  15. “When did they put a bridge in?”

    People are so gullible 😛

    I saw your backyard and still am having a hard time believing that was really a fox. He didn’t look at all like Swiper.

  16. Sadly, I have been driving in storms so bad that I saw the sign that said “Bridge icy when wet” and actually yelled – to myself – “BRIDGE!?! WHAT FREAKIN’ BRIDGE?”

  18. Shouldn’t you worry about Trolls near bridges? I mean.. they do live under bridges.. so.. it’d be apropos. I do think people should beware unicorns though.

  22. I used to drive through this neighborhood of fancy rich people. The speed limit was 25. I was usually going 25, but there were these crochety parents who let their kids play in the front yard instead of the backyard, so if you were on anything faster than a skateboard they would sprint to the edge of the yard, shaking their fists and screaming at you. They eventually bought one of these illegal signs that said “20mph” and also mini stop signs. Eventually a cop saw them and took them down.

    TAKE THAT CROCHETY OLD PEOPLE.

  23. Damn! Since when are there unicorns in TX? I’ve only ever seen oil-rigs. And miles and miles of dusty highways. Next you’ll be telling me there are leprechauns, too.

  24. Dear Jenny,

    Watch for Knight on Bridge.
    …then a sign twenty feet further saying “NONE SHALL PASS!”

    I bet they stop. 😉 Maybe not for safety reasons but I bet they slow down 😉

    -Tony

  26. It’s almost mandatory to find a low bridge and put up a “Troll Bridge Ahead” sign with a fee on it (like “First Born Child”).

    Also, stealing signs is much more common and definitely illegal, but I don’t see the problem of warning people about impending minotaurs, trolls, and unicorns. Especially the unicorns.

  28. Kinkos sign: – $32.00
    Death Match Statue: – $19.30
    Bridges where they dont belong – $Hella-Big-Waste-Of-Public-Funds.00

    A blogpost that manages to included minotaurs, prancing unicorns (because those fuckers dont just cross a street) AND logic. -Priceless.

  29. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again NUTTY AS A FRUITCAKE and I worry that if you do hit a Unicorn or Victor hits it as he shakes his head at your nuttiness and doesn’t see The Unicorn crossing the road, it will end up stuffed, rearing on its hind legs in the garage stomping on a mongoose being attacked by a snake!

  30. Could you imagine the mess of rainbow blood that you’d have to clean off of your car if you hit a unicorn? They do bleed, right?

    Also, my bet is on the chupacabra to win.

  31. I was going to suggest “Minotaur ices before bridge, which ices before road.” But, then I remembered you were in Texas and it just wouldn’t apply enough for anyone to pay attention, even seasonally.

  32. Ok, that is cool. We live in rural Australia, home of the terrifying drop bears and Kangaroos…. some of which are now pictured to have “balls” on their signs in my area. Teenage boys have great imagination, huh? But it does make for a laugh, and you tend to look out for the signs with ballsy kangaroos.. lol 🙂

  34. I needed that laugh after today! Thanks, Jenny! I’m afraid I have to agree with Victor about the minotaur sign–it is cooler than the unicorn–though you massively improved upon it with the bridge idea. Pretty sure that’s what they mean when they say marriage is a partnership. Keep up the good work, you two! 😉

  35. Someone in my neighborhood used to add red noses and antlers to all the “watch for deer” signs. Then, after a year and a half of the “reindeer maker” (We are uninventive in WNY), they changed all the signs to Bear crossing signs.

  40. Your very existence makes me furiously happy, thank you ever so much!

    Some day I’ll write another blog post, or two, or twenty about it…but not today. It’s pathetic that though there isn’t anything wrong from the outside looking in I still can’t, well, anything…but maybe soon, hopefully soon, oh please for cryin’ out loud let it be soon.

  42. I think people should also be on the lookout for manatee crossings, because a manatee would not be able to get out of the way of a car. This is especially true outside of Florida, because outside of Florida people are not very aware of manatees and the manatee would be really disoriented.

  43. You should put up a Zombie crossing sign. People will definitely slow down, but more than likely they will turn around.

  44. Really? Kinko’s will do that? I’m SOOOOO headed over there tomorrow. I’ve got some great ideas! I figure the DOT will be knocking at the door ready to offer me the job of Being In Charge of Sign Creation.

  45. Or blackholes. Your really have to watch out for them cuz like once you hit a black hole you are never heard from again. Although for some people I wouldn’t want to warn them.

  46. Oh Jenny. Thanks so much for this today. I had a exceeding lousy afternoon, and with one little unicorn you fixed it all. You rock.

  47. This is more regarding your last post but I wanted you to know that I believe the cobra/mongoose statute was responsible for a power outage in my neighborhood. I posted a link to the picture on my fiances facebook status. I was hysterical but he uses the facebook more for business so he erased it. Then, for the first time I can ever remember (although he claims its happened twice before) the power went out. This is also the first time he has ever deleted something AWESOME I put on his facebook. Thus, I can only assume the two things were connected. So, now I am going to buy one of the acryllic statues to hide on his side of the bed. 🙂 I mean.. O:-).

  49. MommaCupcake a sign warning of black holes sucking in kittens and then further down the road a sign warning of WHITE holes spitting out unicorns!

  54. I’m just saying that if there was suddenly a sign for minotaurs on a nonexistent bridge I would totally become a hyper vigilant driver. And also I might call poison control because I’d be afraid I’d been drugged. Because although we live by plenty of bridges, there aren’t many minotaurs around these parts.

  55. Well thank you for bringing the very important subject of crossing unicorns and minotaurs to our attention. I can’t wait for our next town board meeting, or whatever that is where people meet and make decisions about how to spend money. I finally have a cause worth fighting for!

  56. Often times, I feel like Victor is just pissed ’cause he didn’t think of it first. Just sayin’. Then he has to be all “topper” and come up with the minotaur thing. BUt sure showed him with the whole bridge thing. Well played, Jenny. Well played.

  58. So I play games with myself, the most popular being “What would I do if I won the lottery and was a billionaire?” (Ponies for everyone. You’re welcome) as well as “What celebrity would I want to have dinner with?” And you come in as a very strong second, since number one is Alton Brown (The Good Eats guy) and I figure he would probably cook the dinner, and provide witty banter, while you would just be fabulous and funny… and might make me laugh so much I wouldn’t be able to eat. Which would eliminate the need to cook. Provided you were fine with laughter and wine, which would bump you up to first choice. Or, oh, if I won both the lottery and the dinner with any celebrity you wanted contest, then I could probably hire Alton Brown to cook a fabulous dinner for us. Along with lots of wine. Excellent. Problem solved. So now I just need to buy a lottery ticket, and you need to have a contest where you have dinner with the winner.

    April can not come soon enough – I want to read it now!

  60. I once read an article by a cop who said he would continually get yelled at by an old lady who would be mad that they put the deer crossing signs in dangerous places where deer could get hit by cars. They should have moved the crossings to more out of the way places where there are no cars.
    My point being, that if unicorns get hit by cars now, it’s all your fault.

  61. I totally used to ignore all of those signs until the day I ran over a unicorn. Which as it turns out is not so bad because when you hit them the just explode into a cloud of glitter. Kind of like Edward Cullen. Conclusion : Unicorns = vampires, and really I was just doing the world a favor. We don’t need any more Twilight characters running around.

  62. Thank you so much for the intro to Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Struggling also to come out of a depressive cycle – the worst to-date. This site takes me out of my head and into belly laughs. Stoked to find out this publishing company just an hour north of me.

  63. I think if you did an Octopus, or something that just looks completely different from the deer, people would not only drive better, they would also get an educational experience during their drive.

  66. You should totally do a hobbit sign!! But I gotta say a Kraken is much scarier…but a picture of Elijah wood would definitely make me slow down

  67. I read your sponsor’s name as “Pro Drunk Hoops”, which sounded like it could be really challenging in a fun way. Then I thought “Hey wait, I can be a Pro Drunk??? Why am I only finding this out now?” And then I saw my mistake and I was sad.

  68. I’ve been convinced for quite some time now that minotaurs live beneath the highway here in Austin. Next stop Kinkos!

  71. I hope you know that every time I open my Google Reader and see that you haven’t posted anything new, a unicorn stabs a kitten.

  72. I think ” caution road ends” would get them to be aware. Also i want all the pedestrian crossing.g signs to be changed to muggle crossing. Just to make them wonder.

  75. Oh, now see? This is why my favorite posts involve Victor. And also why the two of you are a match made in, um, heavan? Unicorns, krakens, minatours. Great minds think alike.

  76. Thank you for making me aware of this very dangerous situation. If you ever have a benefit to spread awareness, let me know. I would like to attend.

    Jenna
    callherhappy.com

  79. The unicorn is too sweet and fuzzy, so I have to side with Victor on this one. Unless you wanna put up a T-REX CROSSING sign. I think that would get some attention. BUT….
    …if you really wanna stop traffic, put up a GEORGE CLOONEY CROSSING sign. Not only would everyone stop, they’d hang out waiting.

    IMHO.

  80. I don’t know whether I am more excited about the unicorn crossing sign or YOUR BOOK!!!! OMG- Congrats!

    P.S. A few years ago I printed out the “Decorative Gourd Season” and put it in my Fall decorations box so that I can read it every year when I dust off my wicker cornucopia. Because it makes me happy.

  81. In Salem, CT, an amusement place put up a sign that said “Caution- Dinosaur Crossing”.

    ConnDOT made them take it down. They have no sense of humor.

  82. Fun all around! And I hope the sign will end up in your store, so Victor won’t feel it was a waste of money! And because, you know, there are unicorns on my street, and I want to protect them!

  83. You see? Those signs would make motorists more alert. Especially if the signs were changed periodically. Can you imagine dragging Victor to a sign in a different neighborhood, saying “Dude. There is a UNICORN CROSSING sign over here! You have to see it!” only to have it changed back to a deer crossing sign? And then, you’d be wondering: is it me? Is it my own psychosis that has me seeing unicorns? And then, when you saw the unicorn sign again, because the crazy lady that lived in that neighborhood keeps putting it up for a few hours every few days? You’d wonder: “Do I mention it again? Do I keep this to myself? Am I REALLY SEEING UNICORNS???”

    The downside: we probably wouldn’t see many posts about the unicorn signs because people wouldn’t want to admit that they were seeing mythical creatures on sign posts that keep disappearing. Still. It’d be fun to mess with people’s heads…

  85. I just realized I have been reading your blog (and also the other blogs you link to on *Sundays*) for 5 months now (I got sent a link to your Beyonce post). This is, without a doubt, the longest I have consistently followed anyone’s blog or any website in my 15 years online. Thanks for being so consistently awesome & entertaining! 🙂

  86. I think unicorn crossing signs are great…and depending on stories beliefs: only innocent people can see them (i.e. children)–so drivers sure wouldn’t want to hit an invisible-to-them unicorn!

  88. My husband had a brilliant idea for reducing speeding and traffic accidents. Instead of airbags in our cars, there should be a giant sharpen stake sticking out of the steering wheel, pointed at the driver’s face. You couldn’t pay my to go over 35 mph with one of those badass sharp sticks pointed at me.

  90. This reminds me of the disapproval I received from my spouse for replacing a set of those “truck nuts” on a parked F-150 at the gas station with a plaster of paris copy I made of my balls.

  91. Wait. There are mini chupacabra/cobra death battle desk statues?!!! That’s the best Christmas gift EVER!

  92. Having lived most of my life in rural Texas I think a chupacabra sign would be very helpful…maybe a chupacabra feeding on the blood of a unicorn?

  93. to add to the list of boobie nicknames “Bonnie and Clyde.” They make a lot of trouble. 🙂

  94. speaking of road signs…
    once upon a time in college, we had a “Speed Hump: 15 mph” sign.
    well, that sign didn’t last long before we abducted it, and hung it directly above the bed.
    i mean, come on. how exactly am i NOT supposed to steal that sign for nefarious purposes?
    and how hard is it to say “speed table” or “speed bump” anyway?
    heh. speed hump. snort!

  95. I sit here and listen to my girlfriend almost fall off her chair in the other room while she reads through your archived posts. Occasionally, she reads one to me or sends me a link to one. You are pretty darn clever.

    I like to support clever people and went to look at your Zazzle store. I had picked out 3 cards, a t-shirt and a sheet of stickers. I made an account and then looked at the shipping charges. Zazzle wants to charge me one shipping charge for the 3 cards, then another for the t-shirt and another for the stickers. It’s trying to eat my wallet! I had to run for my life. It made me sad. 🙁

  99. The Watch for Minotaurs sign would be better if you lived in a labyrinth, but then you probably wouldn’t have a speed problem to regulate and you would have a lot of lost motorists…

  105. Saw an article posted online today. It was a local newspaper opinions column where a citizen suggested that a deer crossing sign was CLEARLY placed in a high-traffic area and was therefore a hazard. His solution, move the deer crossing sign to a lower traffic area. I’m sure the deer won’t appreciate being inconvenienced for their safety.

  110. Somehow I think a “fireflies crossing” sign would be more appropriate. Hope you start feeling better soon, Jenny. Anxiously awaiting your book. The promo must mean it’s finished, right? Finally, your backyard is lovely, but beware the fox. We were told here that foxes avoid inhabited areas unless they’re rabid. Of course, I don’t think they expect that anyone would feed them. (No, really, about the foxes. We had a small infestation of rabid foxes last summer).

  111. Okay, totally read “Pro DRUNK Hoops” and was all into into you using them in elementary school thinking I had a fellow underage drinker in the house but then I re-read and realized my error so now I’m sad.

    I’ll just be over here with my bourbon bottle…

  113. >>> Pro Dunk Hoops <<<

    I totally misread this as Pro Drunk Hoops. I was all like wow, this must be quite the drinking game. Imagine my surprise. (glasses, I need new reading glasses)

  114. He knows how the arguments end indeed. Probably gave up lest he find another giant metal chicken on his doorstep.

  115. Boobs have been on my mind lately. I found a lump 2 weeks ago, got an ultrasound last week, and should get the results tomorrow. I was going to write a post on my fairly new blog about the different names for tits while I figured out how I felt, what I have to say about the whole thing, and how to tell my family/friends. I am actually glad you did it, not me. The only name I can of think right now is ‘Tit the Betrayer’.

    My ex-boyfriend used to call my knockers “I” and “Q” because “they are the only IQ you’ll ever need”. Douche canoe.

  116. In my house, we call the first sign the Food Begging Deer Sign. The term was inspired by our cat, who used to stand on her hind legs when she wanted people food (to no avail. It’s hard to get through a meal once a cat gets a taste for people food…or people).
    By the way, you’ve inspired me. I want to go to Kinkos and create a sign of a very angry-postured ogre wielding a club.

  117. <~~ participated in the nicknames for my boobs conversation on twitter… my contribution was a name given to my boobs by some random dude from back in the myspace days..

    "I really love your booze ems" – what he actually wrote

    so my friends and I have been referring to them as booze ems ever since then!

  118. EXCELLENT about the book preview! Go, Jenny! I can hardly wait to read it. Would my book someday earn such rave reviews.

  119. I think the unicorn sign is completely awesome! I know my daughter wouldn’t mind seeing a unicorn run across the road. Heck, I wouldn’t mind it either! Instead of the kraken sign, you need a dragon sign. On land krakens aren’t that scary. They need water to destroy boats and whatever else Davy Jones had his “pet” do. Dragons are mostly land creatures. Plus, there’s that whole flying and fire breathing thing dragons have going on. More likely to run into a dragon on land. I am loving my medication. I’d love it more if it made my shoulder feel better. 😉

  120. I forgot how funny you are in my non-blog reading busyness.

    Now I need to follow your link or two… and find out what a kraken is.

  121. Anything that starts with Lawson, Jenny has to have awesomeness as it’s middle name. Congrats!

    Also, I am very glad to see that someone is taking protecting unicorns seriously. We really do need to protect them so they don’t become extinct. Also, I think I would just speed up for minotaurs. And probably for kraken too. I would, however, slow down for hydra.

  123. PS I’m marrying a Canadian and moving to Northern Vancouver. They obviously rock there. Now to find an unsuspecting Canadian.

  125. I live in Oregon. We have Nutria. Have you ever seen one? it’s like a porcupine body with a rat tail and it scares the shit out of me everytime i see one. seriously, we have them. It belongs to the rodent family, but lives in marshes/wetlands/etc. I’m not sure we have a “nutria-crossing” sign, but after your post, i am TOTALLY headed to Kinko’s to make one, and put it at the top of my street, and possibly on my office door. helluva insight. love your blog (kinda new).

  126. I laughed so hard at the Unicorn Crossing sign my dog jumped up on the bed and stared at me like I’d kicked her. You are a pure genius, Jenny. Pure. Genius.

  127. I just went to your zazzle shop and purchased the “Guess what I didn’t buy today” card 😀
    Guess what my husband will say when I give to to him 🙂
    This is completely perfect! Well he won’t say that.. thats me.. he’ll say, “how much did that card cost” and I’ll reply with “You can’t put a price on a happy content marriage” Now when he asks me why the heck I bought a particular item or how much i’ve spent I’ll just show him this 🙂 Thankyou.. you have just answered arguements for the next few years at least!

  129. *Love* the unicorn sign. I must be a crochety old person (Rease #22) We bought an official city 20km/hr sign and posted it on a telephone pole to try to slow people down when they passed our driveway which is at the half way (top speed) point. Right above a big sign that says “WATCH FOR KIDS”. F*ckers don’t care about possibly hitting THEM, but I bet they’d think twice about lighting up their tires if they knew there are magical unicorns in the area!

  132. See, this is typical of your life, Jenny. You give and give, and what do you get in return? A big, steaming heap of INGRATITUDE (and the threat of arrest).

    You try to find a rattlesnake’s rightful owner, and someone steals your sign. Help a PR schmuck see the error of his ways, and he calls you horrible names. Fix some roadsigns to make them more effective, and Victor brings up some obscure ordinance… then gives you a hard time about the money you spent. What price can you really put on a human life? Ask him that question!

    You’re just like Joan of Arc, except hopefully you won’t be burned for heresy.

  134. We need people to slow down, but we don’t have deer. We do, however have a bridge. And unicorns. Maybe I should have put up a sign rather than attempting to make my own speed bumps. Hindsight.

  136. “She’s famed on the Internet as the Bloggess (“like Mother Teresa, only better”) and also writes an (I hope) tongue-in-check parenting column and a self-styled satirical sex column that must be sizzly because my office computer denies me access.”

    Um…is it just me, or did Ms. Hoffert just out her boss as a douche-canoe?

    Congratulations on the book, Lawson, Jenny! I’m looking forward to reading it.

  141. I’m wondering if I can get one of them for my neighborhood in Australia – you know, where our signs are all of boring Koalas and Kangaroos. I’m going to put in a call to Kinkos, stat, to see if they do the unicorn aussie-style – you know, with a pouch.

    I mean, its not like I’d want it to seem inauthentic or anything.

  143. Why can’t I find your book on Amazon in the UK?

    (It’s not really out yet. Only the audiobook is on pre-order now. Give it a month or two. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  144. Flying unicorns can pose a danger to pedestrians. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience, so I can totally get behind hypothetically warning people of their existence via signs.

    I do think, however, that should a sign-initiative take place, that a Zombie Crossing sign should also be put up. You can’t cure Zombie, and I think that’s a bigger threat.

  145. Well, in my neighborhood we have a troll sign…on a bridge…and it reads: “To Pass You Must Answer These Questions Three”

    I’m very well versed in colors…and in the coconut-carrying capacity of swallows.

    Ima helper, that I am.

  146. I would probably crash my car in laughter if I saw a unicorn sign. I would, however, SLAM ON THE BRAKES if I drove past a kraken sign. Victor is right. That shit is scary.

  147. I would actually put one of those up in my yard, but then again I am considering putting up a sign that says, “It’s a Girl!” because well… I’m a girl. Also because my house is blue, but SHE’S a good old house.

  148. Since we just recently moved from CA to NY I’m fascinated by all the Amish Crossing signs. Sometimes I get a visual of myself driving home with a buggy strapped to the roof of my car, hoping I don’t get stopped along the way by a cop for “poaching”… But hey, if i hit it, I feel obligated to eat it. It’s the right thing to do.

  151. We have a sign on our street that just says, “Deaf Person.” It’s written in text only. Probably because they couldn’t get the guy to sit still for the silhouette photo because they were accidentally signing ‘we will eat you.’

  153. I live in the sticks and there are very little street lights at night, well during the day too, it’s not like they come in the morning and take all the street lights away…that would be just, duh. Anyway, what?

  154. My parents live near this really odd nabe in San Antonio where deer outnumber people, I think. I have seen these deer. Your texas deer are tiny. Everything is bigger in texas except deer and politicians’ minds. Minotaurs would be far more frightening and require more vigilance. I think the drought may have killed all of your mermaids.

  155. I think it’s probably more appropriate to make a sign alerting drivers in your neighbourhood to the giant-ass metal chicken in your garden. Maybe if you just wrote, ‘Beware, Beyonce’, without printing a picture, they would be even more on the lookout. And subsequently, extremely confused.

  156. Congratulations on the new book! I can’t wait to read it. 🙂 You deserve everything good coming your way, remember that.

  158. I kind of think, I might be in love with you. In a non-stalker, totally non-lesbian, very admiringly kinda way…

  159. Wow you must be very busy! A search of Amazon shows that you write MATH books too?! Wow! lol

  160. Yay! Yay! Yay! I’m so excited for you! And also glad that your book in no way details your experience in killing fields, which I thought for a short while before realizing that I’m an idiot.

  161. I had an idea for a sign, you need a Beyonce crossing sign across from your house, then put her in the front yard, so it looks like she is about to cross. Everyone will stop.

  163. I live in PA and it’s not uncommon at all for us to see the deer crossing signs with the antlers. Some even have red noses!

  164. For years, there was a deer sign along the Pacific Coast Highway in central California that someone had brilliantly adapted to a Pegasus by painting *really* nice wings on. It was so nice, I guess the highway department didn’t want to remove it, so it stayed up for the whole six years I lived in California. I wonder if it’s still there? It’s not quite a unicorn, but hey, it was still a step in the right direction!

  165. OMG. I totally agree with i am pisspot and addgirl. There should be Warning: Giant Metal Chicken signs.

  167. Why on earth would a Minotaur be on the bridge? What’s it doing out of its Labyrinth?

    Stupid Minotaur.

  168. Now Jenny, you know the deer sign isn’t to PREVENT deer from being hit…it’s to speed up so you can bring home dinner that night. My brothers have gotten countless calls asking if they wanted to help “pick up a fresh one, it’s still warm!”

  169. I suddenly have the urge to post one of these in my neighborhood. “Beware the acromantula!” Put it near the bus stop and see the kids either love it or scream in terror. Both would be highly amusing.

  170. As a Texas writer, I keep forgetting that you live in my stomping grounds….

    But when your headline mentioned being arrested, I immediately pictured you at Occupy Wallstreet.

    Any plans to go?

  171. Hi, Jenny. LOVE it, as always. And let’s have the unicorn jumping over a rainbow. Bridge = trolls but rainbow = unicorns. ‘Unicorn Crossing at Rainbow’ will likely slow a few drivers down and have them wondering what exactly was in their morning muffins.

    Oh, and we just played the Boob ABCs at olddognewtits.com, too. Please come join us for Boobs Around the World … just started today. I’d love to hear your answer! 🙂

  175. But wouldn’t you just have to answer to everyone when they became overwhelmed with disappointment at the lack of unicorns. I don’t think you want to be the one in charge of your neighbourhood’s unicorn depression support group. Best to give up the dream now…

  176. Wait, audio? DId you do the audio or did you hire an actor like James Earl Jones? Also, your commenters are awesome! They make me laugh as much as you do.

  177. I’m with Victor on this one. A Kraken sign would definately slow ME down, to the point of stopping.

    Then I would steal it.

  178. I love your Unicorn sign – Never liked those deer crossing signs. They make it look like the deer are dancing like the Rockettes – I’ve never seen a dancing deer – they’re usually just standing there staring at you like, “WTF are you doing driving on MY road?” And deer aren’t very scary so why do we have to be warned? Now Bears are scary. And Mountain Lions… and Chupacabras. Those are scary.

  179. How about a ‘Watch for assholes schooching across road’ sign … and yes schooching is a word here in Texas!

  180. Dear People:

    If you think that deer and other random forest bitches are not serious about ruining your life or killing you, then I offer you this little piece of Wake The Fuck Up, straight from the bowels of Bambi Hell, which quite coincidentally happened this morning: http://www.komonews.com/news/local/132075493.html. Let that be a lesson to each and every one of you.

    After seeing that little wake up call, I bet you will be much more appreciative and TERRORIZED every time you see one of those deer signs. I’ll bet you don’t need a kraken sign now, do you?

    You are welcome.

    HK

  184. OK, several things: 1. You are hilarious! I seriously want a Unicorn Crossing sign and you should sell them on your website. 2. You’re Cobra/chupacabra statue is downright scary. Don’t let the cat chew on that thing! 3. I loved your parenting column during Banned Book week. (I’m a children’s author.) Way to say it! 4. Congrats on your forthcoming book! I’m a bookseller and will make sure to get copies for the store.

  186. I think I need one of those signs. Or maybe one with the cobra-chupacabra deathmatch on it. Cause people are always speeding in front of my house and I’ve got little kids.
    (FYI, it’s probably not a good idea to google image search ‘chupacabra’ if you are easily freaked out. I may never forget what I just saw.)
    Also – congratulations!

  187. You don’t have a bridge? Don’t worry, I’m sure the Feds will give you the funds to build one!

    ~EdT.

  188. BTW, I’m surprised you didn’t erect a sign warning of (giant metal) chickens crossing the road.

    ~EdT.

  189. I find this post extremely informative and helpful, mainly because you have allowed me to finally win an argument with my Husband. We were discussing a recipe for Texas chilli that called for venison, and he was all like “yeah because there’s an abundance of deer in Texas”. I proceeded to explain to Mr. Always right that of course there were deer in Texas, which only garnered a “yeah because there are so many forests in Texas” snarky comment. I gave up at this point, but now I can claim victory…because the blogess said so…check…mate…

  190. You are so wise. I would definitely slow down and pay more attention to my surroundings if I thought there might be unicorns or unexpected bridges. I think Victor’s ideas might make me drive faster…as I imagine a ‘watch out for zombies’ sign would.

  191. When I moved to Texas seeing deer *was* like seeing a unicorn! Then they lived in the park by my house and convened daily on our street. They were cool but they definitely turned their noses up whenever we mere mortals walked by…and flicked their tails. With disdain.

  192. Notice how the antlers on the deer are backwards? Drives me crazy every time I see this sign. Grr. So, in reality, they are warning us about deer with f’ed up antlers, and I don’t think many backwards-antler-deer exist. Therefore; this sign is useless, and your unicorn sign is just as relevant.

  193. You are actually much funnier than the Sedariseses and Handler, and I do love me some Sedariseseses and Handlers. The only things wrong with your blog are 1)There aren’t enough of them to satiate my addiction, ie., all day every day, and 2)the links in your blog don’t open a new web page, they change the page. Can you fix that? I don’t like leaving your blog to read the other links. It’s kind of like a security blanket. Sure, I’ve got love in my heart for other stuffed animals. But Blankie is #1. Wait, what was I talking about?

  195. “Great round up!
    Anyway, a unicorn sign? You’re totally hilarious and unbelievable! I had a great laugh reading this post! Thanks for sharing Jenny! Your blog always makes my day!:D “

  196. This is perfect! Mainly because I have the same problem as you do with deer. But mostly I have it in my back yard and in my driveway.

    Can I pre-order a “deer x-ing” and a “Unicorn x-ing” sign from you? I want to put both in my driveway so that when I walk down to get the paper in the morning I know to be extra careful so as to not have YET ANOTHER me-almost-getting-run-over- as-i-walk-to-get-the-morning-paper-by -a -deer moment.

    The deer sign is for the new people who come to the house and who will actually pay attention to those signs. The Unicorn one is so that I remember to not ignore said deer x-ing sign and to be extra cautious.

  197. I would totally break for a Unicorn Crossing sign. Probably more so than for a Minataur, since the Unicorn is just pretty and magical and won’t hurt me. The Minataur (or Kraken) pose enough of a threat that I would personally be less tempted to get a glimpse of them. I think you did the right thing here.

  199. There should be Cthulhu Crossing warnings on bridges, because I hate it when I’m driving to work and I get dragged out of my car and sacrificed in an underwater torture ceremony.

    Happens a lot less since I lost my virginity, but the distinction between “seldom” and “never” is an important one in this case.

  200. 11 years ago I met my future mother-in-law for the first time.

    I was helping my then boyfriend carry a street sign that said ‘Bump’ that someone had knocked into to…which apparently made it free game according the mind of my 19-year-old future husband. We brought it to her home, as we had been on our way to visit her.

    I am sure she was SUPER excited about her son’s new girlfriend.

    And I’m sure any low-riders driving through her neighborhood that day got a big surprise. Oops.

  202. Lady lumps? That’s a new one to me and seriously disturbing because if there’s lady lumps there has to be man lumps; and we all know how unfortunate those are.

  203. See, the bad thing about reading your blog is that it gives me ideas…For instance, now I want to make a bear crossing sign to freak my neighbors out!

  206. SC drivers are bad already–I’d hate to see what posting a sign like that would cause. They’d just catch a glance at first, b/c they’re so busy texting–they’d have to back up, stop & then sit there confused for 10 minutes. Talk about a 250 car pile up!

  208. My husband had a bad day so I showed him this post…
    Me: take a look at this… it’ll cheer you up
    Him: ummm… okay?
    Me: You don’t find this funny?
    Him: ummm, no, but I think there should be a support group for Victor.

  209. The cake topper is a great idea–put the cake right next to the buffet, and I can almost guarantee you that you’ll need to order less food!

  211. I’m certain that if the good folks at the Texas DoT were to focus group this stuff, they’d quickly find that people are, in fact, sick of the sign people taking themselves too seriously and game for some attention getting signs with unicorns and bridges that don’t exist. If I were at such a focus group, I would definitely recommend “Hammertime” as subtext for a few stop signs.

    Unfortunately, I live in a college town full of progressive morons who also take themselves too seriously. Our stop signs say things like “Slow Food” instead of “Slow Down” and “Stop Capitalism” rather than just “Stop.”

  212. I live in Oregon, where slugs are disgustingly plentiful. And just plain disgusting. Somehow I doubt a “Caution: Slug Crossing” sign would instill fear in the hearts of drivers.

  213. Love the nicknames for boobies. Here in the UK we also call them “bristols”. I was 40 before I learned it’s Cockney rhyming slang: Bristol Cities = Titties.

  215. Hot damn, I just might have to order a case of those cards for the holidays. I wonder what The Spouse would say??

  216. On my recent trip to Texas, during a prolonged period of 100+ degrees hot days, I was amused every day, (I’m easily amused) by the plethora of “Watch for Ice on Bridge” signs we passed, on every bridge, everywhere.

    The frying-pan-hot roadsurface must need some SERIOUS refrigeration plant to keep all that ice in place, year round.

  217. On thinking of ice and bridges, and being a man, I had a rummage about in the internet and found the tx.gov online manuals for roadsign crews.
    “Sign Display Schedule
    Since ice on a bridge is a temporary condition, the sign should be removed or folded up from view of the motorists when the potential for ice accumulations will not be expected for extended periods. Table 2-3 indicates the dates that the Watch for Ice on Bridge sign should be displayed. The sign should be unfolded prior to the “Display Sign From” date and folded after the “Display Sign To” date. ”
    Nov.24th to March 9th. Obviously nobody cares….

    I think a nice ice-cream cone symbol would look better.
    Obviously

    Signs are to be displayed around Houston from November 24th, to

  218. Okay, I understand that there is a picture of a deer frolicking – deer cannot READ and need pictures to know it is safe to cross. However, aren’t unicorns SMARTER than deer and can read? If so, I might suggest a “Unicorn Crossing” caption under the picture. Just in case…

  219. I was driving with my then 3-year-old and he saw one of those signs to watch for deer. He announced, “Look Mommy, watch out for FIRE GOATS!” (you know, cuz the antlers look like a fire on their heads). So now we call all things with antlers “Fire Goats.” And you should too.

  224. thanks for being you, and sharing it with the class.
    i’ve had a crap week and an extra crap day – but your posts just cheered me immensely [and really, isn’t it all about me?]. so thanks!
    now, off to make some unicorn crossing signs…

  225. If I had the ability to time travel I would totally go back and make that death match my wedding cake topper. Totally.

  227. There are not deer signs in my neighborhood, yet I have to drive 15 miles an hour because the fuckers dart out everywhere. I am not in RURAL, NC. I am in the city limits. Perhaps I should make a sign for the deer and put it at the edge of the street for them to see. Car crossing with a flat deer underneath…..

  232. So you can preorder the audio cd of your book on Amazon but not the actual book? very confused. seems appropriate. 🙂

  236. So, there I was all interested in boob names and then I found out that the company internet filter is, indeed, some kind of canoe and blocked it because apparently “it has been classified as a Online Shopping;Pornography page”

    Sad face 🙁

  238. Hahah, I work for a sign shop and I think it would pretty much be the best day ever if someone came in a ordered a road sign with a unicorn. Or a minotaur. Or pretty much any other mythical creature.

    Best. Hypothetical. Day. Ever.

  240. For the record, it is perfectly legal to install your own street signs provided you do not install them within the road easement and you have the permission of the land owner to do so. Stanley Marsh, 3 (three not third) the eccentric millionaire/patron of the arts, most known for the Cadillac Ranch outside of Amarillo, has been responsible for the installation of probably hundreds of such signs in Amarillo and, I believe, elsewhere.

  241. A unicorn sign will definitely keep me alert whilst I was driving. I should make one and put it on the road side across my apartment, so that those bikers will take a care not to speed up and making such a racket while we’re trying to sleep.

  242. okay, long time lurker and first time commenter:

    you’re freakin’ awesome. that is all.

  245. I live in Malibu, California.

    Are you telling me that I can go to Kinko’s and have a sign made with Barbie’s silhouette on it that anyone will know that means “Collagen Crossing”?

  246. I LOVE this blog! Thank you so much for your posts. They truly made my day! I can’t wait to read your posts.

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