Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

in I am totally overrated, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail

If you’re a long-time reader you already know about the book I’ve been working on for the last eleven years.  I don’t usually mention it here because writing a book when you have severe ADD is hell, and writing a blog post about writing a book  is like multiplying dead kittens by more dead kittens.  Or like dividing dead kittens by angry rabbits.  I don’t know how kitten-algebra works.

Victor just pointed out that I don’t actually have “severe, crippling ADD”, but I do have mild ADD and access to the internet, and that’s pretty much the same thing.  People with severe, crippling ADD might disagree, but luckily they’re too easily distracted to write hate mail.  Also, I seriously just forgot what this post was about and I had to go back to the top to reread it to remind myself what it was about.  That just happened.  This is exactly why it’s taken me eleven years to finish a single book.  Well done, me.

**********

A few months ago I took a dead mouse on a plane ride to New York City.   This probably happens inadvertently to lots of people (who have infestation problems and might be hoarders), but the difference is that my dead mouse was wearing clothes, and was traveling on my tray table (much to the chagrin of the man sitting next to me).    My mouse (Hamlet von Schnitzel) and I were going to New York so that I could have some meetings, sign some things, and convince my publisher that a dead mouse was much more photogenic than myself and should probably be on the cover of my book.

I was going to write about all of this at the time, but then I got distracted, so instead this post is stolen from my journal and twitter stream.  I apologize in advance for confusing the hell out of you.  This will all make sense at the end.  Probably.

**********

September 11, 2011

The man sitting next to me on the plane just suggested that my dead mouse might be more comfortable in my purse.  I explained that Hamlet von Schnitzel has severe claustrophobia.  Then my seat-mate stared at the mouse skull in Hamlet’s tiny mouse paw and I explained: “He’s an aspiring actor.  We’re going to New York for head-shots.”  And then the guy put on his headphones and refused to speak to me.  It was a good choice.

**********

I get to New York late so the publishers put me up at a hotel down the street from their office.  This is the fanciest hotel I’ve ever brought a dead mouse to. I feel Julia Roberts in the first half of Pretty Woman.

The prostitutey half.

Hamlet in New York.

**********

The porter (let’s call him Bob) offered to bring my bags up, but I’m a super-light traveler so I just had one big purse and a dead mouse.  He chose to carry the purse.

**********

In the elevator, Bob explained that this is a “transient hotel” and I was all, “Like a flophouse?”  He just looked at me and I assumed maybe he didn’t know what a flophouse was, so I clarified, “You mean, like a crack house?”  He was still quiet, so to fill the awkward silence I said, “Because this is the swankiest damn crack house I’ve ever been in.”  Then more people got on the elevator and they stared at me and I assumed they were staring because they only heard the last part of our conversation, so I further clarified “Not that I’ve been in a lot of crack houses, I mean.  I was just being polite.”

In hindsight, it’s possible that they staring at me because I was carrying a dead mouse and because the hotel porter had a hot-pink purse on his shoulder, and not because I was bragging about all the crack houses I hadn’t been to.  It didn’t really matter though because we got off on the next floor, and then Bob explained that a “transient hotel” is one where people stay overnight.  I explained that normal people just call that “a hotel.”

**********

Bob tried to show me how to work the complicated panels of buttons that operated things normal people don’t need buttons for.

Um...what?

Things like curtains.  And the curtains behind the curtains.

me:  So the curtain’s curtains don’t have curtains?  What kind of a shoddy operation is this?

Bob:  I’ll be sure to bring that up to Mr. Trump at the next meeting.

I’m not entirely sure he was joking.

**********

WTF?  I just found the “PILLOW MENU”.

It’s a menu of the six types of pillows they’ll deliver to your room if you don’t like the 11 pillows already in the room. I couldn’t even make up 6 different types of pillows.  One is made by Tibetan mountain healers and is “fortified with natural, organic fertilizers.”

Rich people: "Can you send up the Tibetan fertilizer pillow?" Everyone else: "Oh, you mean THE SHIT PILLOW."

This is exactly why no one trusts rich people.

**********

I am missing a toilet.  No shit, y’all.  There is no toilet in this room.  Apparently, rich people just hold it.  Or pay someone else to go for them.

**********

I still haven’t located a toilet, but I did find what I assume to be a leather, sex flog in the closet.  It’s disconcerting.  I miss Motel 6, where they leave the light on for you and you have to supply your own sex flog. And also, they have toilets.

Leather sex flog. Probably. In all fairness, it's possible that it's a very flat shoe-horn or a rather ineffective fly-swatter.

**********

me (via twitter):  Seriously, this is a crazy-fancy hotel and there’s not a toilet here.

My friend Maureen:  In really nice hotels, they send someone up to hold a bucket and you pee into it.”

I’m pretty sure she was just fucking with me, but at this point I question everything.

**********

I call down to room service, but everything on the menu is confusing or unpronounceable.

Me: Do you guys have hamburgers?

Room service: Did you mean Lamb burgers?

Me: Not even remotely.

**********

When the guy from room service (Not Bob) came up I asked him if this room comes with a toilet.  Apparently this is a pretty common question, as he immediately opened a door that I thought was part of the frosted glass wall.

It was a relief, but also disconcerting, as there was a phone in there with “MS. LAWSON” written on it.  Which was weird, because why would anyone need to be reminded of who they are while using their own toilet?

Thanks for the welcome, toilet phone. Also, I just realized that there's a button on the phone for "weather". To control it, I assume.

**********

I took off my dress to avoid spilling anything on it.  And that would have been fine except that when I hit the button that I thought turned on the lights I realized that it actually opened the curtains and I was suddenly mostly naked in front of a wall-sized window over Soho.  Then I hit another button to stop the curtain, but that just opened up the second, filmy curtain.  Then I was just wildly  slamming buttons, and lights were blinking on and off, and the curtains were slamming back and forth.  From the street I assume it looked like I was attending an unpopular disco-orgy.

**********

The next morning.

I didn’t steal any towels, but I did take all of the soaps and lotions.  I’m taking the phone too, because it has my name on it.

**********

Never mind.  I am not taking the phone.  Because that would be wrong.  And because it is nailed to the wall.  Which is a little untrusting, if you ask me.

**********

Meeting with the publishers.

They’re all very awesome and professional.  I placed a dead mouse on the board room table and instead of freaking out they all excitedly said, “OH!  Is that Hamlet von Schnitzel?!” because they’ve all read the book and know his backstory.   It suddenly dawns on me that all of these strangers in business suits know more about my childhood than my therapist does.  They also know far more about my vagina than of most people I have professional meetings with.  It’s both unsettling and comforting all at once.  These are things no one ever warns you about when you write your memoirs.  This is probably why Stephen King never writes about his vagina.

**********

Today:

The book is available for pre-0rder.  I open up my computer and stare in awe at the cover.

It’s been one hell of a strange journey.  Thank you for making it with me.

PS. The book doesn’t come out until next year, but you can pre-order it right this very second at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Indie Bound.  

Hamlet von Schnitzel and I thank you for your support.  We couldn’t have done this without you.

For real.  Thank you.

749 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”

Read comments below or add one.

  11. Who’s Jen Lancaster? Never heard of her. I’ve heard of you, though! Congrats. I’m so happy for you (mostly because you’re proving that a blog can lead to fame and book deals. Also because I love you, but mostly that first thing).

  13. JEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!!

    Channeling Sally in THAT scene when she met Harry.

    This is THAT good :).

    CONGRATULATIONS!

  15. SO PROUD OF YOU! Stuff like this is why I tell people that you’re my very best friend in all the world. And why I have that room upstairs wallpapered with your photos and cluttered with Bloggess memorabilia. Not in a stalkerish way, of course.

  16. That was hilarious. Congrats on finishing the book.

    Bob sounds like a really nice guy. Most people wouldn’t have taken the time to reassure you that you hadn’t accidentally checked into the kind of hotel where you’re not allowed to spend the night.

  17. ZOMG! I CANNOT wait for this to come out!!! Seriously. I very nearly (ok, MOSTLY) pissed myself just reading about the trip to see a man about a book!

  19. Awesome!
    I imagine if I had a pillow menu at my house it would be limited to three choices:
    (1) 10 year old pillow I have washed far too many times, but is still somewhat comfortable.
    (2) Couch pillow that is remarkably fluffy.
    (3) Bring your own goddamned pillow because Trump does not live here.

  22. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzOMG! I CANNOT wait for this book! Seriously. I very nearly (ok, MOSTLY) pissed myself just reading about seeing a man about a book!

  25. Love your post…funny…informative…AND photos! Does not get any better than that!

  26. I read your entry (I read ALL of them, you know), got to the bottom and it said “0 Comments” and I clicked on the Comment link and by the time I got here there were SIX fuckers ahead of me! I want a time travel machine like they have! And now there’s probably sixTY comments.

    I am now going to pre-order order your book because while your vagina is probably interesting and all, I really want to know about your childhood. So I can avoid some of the mistakes with my kids. Although since they’re 10 and 16 it’s probably too late.

  27. But, a pillow menu? That blew my mind. There are so many starving children who have to sleep without a pillow, and there are pillow menus? Next you’re going to tell me there are food menus…oh, wait.

    Congrats on the book! I think the cover looks awesome.

  29. And also, I very clearly cannot post comments very well. But, in all fairness… it did say that my first post had no comment so I reposted and well, here we are.

  34. OH GOD I’M SO EXITED. Is there any way we can make them publish it sooner? Pretty Please? I NEED THIS NOW!

  36. No, thank YOU. It may suck sometimes to be stuck inside your own head, but I think I can speak for the rest of the internet when I say that I’m sure glad you’re here on these internets and on this earth, Jenny Lawson. So there.

  37. Well I almost forgot what this post was about because I was dying laughing and trying to explain about the dead mouse to my daughter who kept running over to see what was so funny.

    But seriously, congrats on the book and the awesomesauce cover!

  40. Holy crap – you’ve done it! CONGRATS! {and I don’t believe for a minute that you didn’t get Hamlet to steal the phone while you were distracting everyone with the disco-dancing}

  44. I cannot wait to read it!! Hamlet Von Schnitzel looks so proud to be on the cover…do you think Beyonce is going to be jealous??? Now you have to write another book so Beyonce can have her own cover!

  45. I tried to read this aloud to my husband and had to stop because I was hyperventilating from laughing. I don’t think I’d like a hotel with shit pillows and baby lamb dinners (I bet they would have let you kill the lamb yourself…you know, a perk for the rich. Maybe that’s what the flogger was for).

    Can’t wait for the book to learn more about your vagina.

  46. Just got cold chills and almost burst into tears! You are a wonder and I’m so happy for you. Sweet cover; best looking dead mouse in the literary world. Now that I’ve secured a part-time, temporary job (WOO HOO!) first thing I’m gonna buy with my first check is this book. You’re welcome!

  52. Jenny, congradulations! And to think I knew you *before* you were a best-selling authoress. Or had been blocked by William Shatner.

    Now, if I could just get the book on my Kindle, or NOOK…

    ~EdT.

  55. Obviously fancy hotels have someone come up with a bucket when you need to use the restroom. How else did you think they made the shit pillows?

    Also, preordering.

  56. “This is probably why Stephen King? never writes about his vagina.”- That might be one of the reasons. There are other, more obvious ones, that I can think of.

    I’m very excited to read the book. I generally stay away from memoirs, but I have a feeling that yours will be well-worth the read. Congratulations!

  57. Congratulations, Jenny! Take Hamlet somewhere nice to celebrate.

    Also, the next time some douche canoe on the plane is all “brak brak brak i suck,” you should just be all, “Baby, you plus me equals us,” and when he gets all pissy you can be all, “Don’t speak!…let’s just FEEL,” and then have Hamlet just sort of gently stroke his cheek.

    Or, just, you know, like, steal his Kosher meal.

  59. I just order one copy for me. One copy for my parents so they’ll understand I’m not the only bizarre misfit in the world, and one extra copy because I know I’ll be giving my copy away to friends that I know I’ll be screaming to : YOU NEED TO READ THIS BOOK NOW OR WE WILL NO LONGER BE FRIENDS.

    I’m not dating anyone who doesn’t love your book. It will be my new test.

    Thanks for making me realize I’m not alone in the world. Hello, tribe.

  61. Who the fuck hides the toilet? What kind of sick rich people game is that? One that ends badly, I promise you that.

    Thank goodness those publishing people had the sense to take your advice about Hamlet. This cover is made of win. And I’m fixin’ to pre-order me a copy right this instant.

    – Liz

  62. I seriously peed myself. Not sure if it was from laughter or excitment. Regardless, incontinence is not normal for me. Instead of changing my pants. I decided to post a congratulations. Maybe not my best decision, however, its a start. So congrats!

    Ps. When is there going to be more clown porn?

  63. I can’t wait to read the book! I guess I have ADD too as I often get caught in the Vortex of the Internet and can’t get things done. This is probably why I am not a successful Blogger like you! (In my defense – just starting out.) Yeah, lame excuse. Moving on…I have never heard of a hotel referred to as a transient hotel either. I figured a “long-term” hotel is when you stay longer than a week. The hidden toilet would have freaked me out to, but I agree, the personal phone should have been a perk just like the toiletries.

    CONGRATULATIONS!

  66. I’m so NOT waiting for it in paperback. Congratulations, Jenny, my friend. I’m proud of you. Pre-Ordering it now. Love, your friend, Laurie F.

  67. Awesome! Amazing! I am FREAKING EXCITED!!! Mostly about your book … but also about that Pillow Menu. Damn! Actually…. this is the PERFECT Christmas Gift for my sister. LOVE!!!!

  71. Bloggess,

    I am climbing out of my own depression hole, and you just became the sun overhead. Thank you so much for the laugh, and for being you.

    Now, could you come here and get all stabby on my boss? Cause that would be great.

  73. I cannot WAIT to have that on my nightstand. Next year, though? As in, January 2012? Or December 22, 2012, after the next predicted apocalypse? Cause its really mean to tease people like that.

  75. Congratulations!! I’m doing NaNo WriMo for the third year and, as I do every year, I dream of seeing a book in print with my name on it. It makes me giddy. You are actually seeing it and I am jealous, but not in a “I want you dead” kind of jealousy thing. More of a “You are so awesome I wish I was you” kind of way. I hope that makes sense and totally is not creepy. 😀

  77. I wish I could pay double and read it now instead of in six months! Congratulations, Jenny — I’m sure it was a lot of work, but I’ll bet it’s awesome!

  78. Nicely done!! I’d preorder it but a year is a damn long time to remember a deduction from my bank account lol.

  79. Thank you for documenting your stay at a fancy transient hotel. I will probably never get to stay in one, but just in case I ever do, I am very relieved (get it?… wait, ew) to find out they have a toilet. Looking forward to your book!

  80. This is the best book announcement post I have ever read. Also, that is the book cover with a dead mouse on it that I have ever seen. Also, the fertilizer issue aside, regarding that Aromatic Pillow, I really would like to know what it would feel like to sleep on a pillow stuffed with mountain healer wisdom. (And shit, of course. If I read correctly it is stuffed with both. Which is really sort of Zen when you think about it.)

  81. i WILL be buying this. besides the spectacular cover, you’ve made me laugh on good days and bad. i support you for better or worse. congrats!

  83. I’ve only read a couple of your blogs, but I KNEW you had severe, crippling ADD. I could smell it on you. I have it too. Totally forgot the point I wanted to make with this comment.

  85. Apparently, Amazon thinks I can’t read as it linked me to the audio version. Awfully, presumptuous and judgemental, Amazon.

  86. I am trying to figure out how I can buy this book and deal with my crippling fear of mice at the same time. I cannot risk accidentally looking at the cover; misjudging my scrolling speed down this page nearly made me vomit in anxiety.

  87. I’m glad you enjoyed your fancy staying overnight hotel/unpopular disco orgy with the secret agent toilet. I absolutely LOVE the book cover! It must be so surreal for you when you look at it! Congratulations! I guess I know what I’ll be giving as gifts in the year 2012.

  89. I’m pretty sure I threw my back out just reading this post about the long-awaited book. I can’t wait for the actual book! I must invest in traction. Whatever that is.

    This also reminds me of my 4-year old niece’s favorite new saying: “What the Schnitzel?” I think it will catch on. Or she will be shipped to boarding school with dead mice.

  91. Jenny! Congrats on finishing your book! I hope to order it eventually. Thanks for continually making me laugh all the time until I almost pee myself. It is a good thing I can easily find my toilets! 😉

  92. To be fair, it’s a Cisco phone. The amount they cost *I’d* nail it to the wall too……

  94. The show I mean, not actually Ellen herself. That would be awkward. Also, I think her wife might get a little pissed off.

  95. Can’t wait to read your book, you’re one of my favorite people I’ve never met!

  97. Unpopular Disco Orgy sounds like something I could find myself right at home in.

    Congrats, beautiful.
    You make me furiously happy.

  99. How am I supposed to wait until this book comes out. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with myself? I need this book. I need to have a book with a taxidermied mouse dressed like Hamlet in my house.

  100. I’m pre-ordering it NOW and will paste the pic of us from BlogHer ‘-07 on backcover. And then I will mail it for you to sign. Please omit all dead or living animals in the return. XOXO

  102. Ahhhhhhhh….but I don’t whaaaannnnaaaa wait a whole year (in my whiny voice)! I adore you Bloggess!

  103. OMG April 12th is so far away! Course 11 years is longer but I didn’t know I was waiting all that time so it’s different. I’m SO getting the book the minute it comes out…. B&N invaded by crazies… it will be full of win!!

  105. I’m super stoked about the book, but pride isn’t letting me order it a year in advance. I’m not sure why, but my instincts tell me there’s something very Single White Female about it. Which is weird because I haven’t seen that movie since it came out on video – and I’m pretty sure I was 13.

    Long story short, I’m trying to play it cool.

  106. This is so exciting! I can’t wait to read it. I really hope you do a book tour — and come to Pittsburgh. I promise not to give you a shit pillow. Congrats!

  107. Who nails down a phone? I would think people steal more towels than phones and you don’t see those nailed to the wall. I look forward to ordering your book whenever I have money. I was going to go sell blood…or plasma…whichever offered more money, but my girlfriend has alerted me to the fact that apparently no one pays for blood anymore. They just expect people to donate it. What hogwash is that?

  108. GREAT true story – my daughter just caught a glimpse of Hamlet von Schnitzel and said, “What is that?” I said, “A dead mouse.” She was shocked. She thought it was a live mouse posing. (We are a theatrical family.) Her verdict: That’s gross.

  109. I am trying to pre-order the book, but I refuse to pay for it. For some reason Amazon doesn’t have a feature for that. I mean honestly, Amazon should be paying ME. They are going to be making money off of my pain and suffering, which seems…..well, ok, it seems fine, because it was a long time ago. Time heals all wounds, and glosses over most scars.

  110. God I look forward to reading this, Brown and Blue Asthma pumps to hand as they normally are before I even attempt to open one of your Blogs. Ishbel said, “If you have another attack and die while try to read that bloody woman’s blog, I hope she knows I’m suing her” Know you know, so stop being so bloody funny…….

  111. *does happy dance*
    I can’t wait to read it. You’ll never get used to seeing the book on your shelf. My first novel came out 3 years ago and I still look at it and go, “Holy shit, did *I* do that?”
    Congrats!

  113. Congrats on your book. I can’t wait to read it~~I love your blog! Brings a smile to my face!

  114. This is now officially the best day ever! Or at the every least the best day in the last two weeks, but as the last two weeks have not been the best of times doesn’t mean much. So let’s go back to best day ever! SQUEE! I’m preordering now, can’t wait to read it! Holy shit this is a lot of exclamation points. !

  117. I have no real words to tell you how excited I am other then to say that Your book looks like the Most Epic-est of Epic that i’ve ever witnessed! Congrats on the (epic) wicked cover and I can’t wait to read it!

  118. Jenny, Congratulations!! Well done. I love the cover! I also loved your account of traveling to NY with Hamlet von Schnitzel. So that’s how you know it’s a real swanky hotel…when they hide the toilet…oh, that and when there’s a telephone in the stall. lol Good to know. 🙂

  119. About to go pre-order your book, keep your fingers crossed for me that someone doesn’t steal my credit card information again between now and when the book comes out. That happened after I had pre-ordered the new Cake Wrecks holiday book and I forgot to update the order with the new card # so after it was finally supposed to ship I got a message telling me there was a problem with my order and I ended up getting the book late.

    Also, Hamlet is very dashing and that elitist dude sitting next to you on the plane probably did YOU a huge favor by putting on his headphones.

  121. I’ve told the husband this needs to be a birthday, anniversary, or Christmas gift next year. Looking forward to it!

  122. HOLY FUCK! That’s awesome.

    I just pre-ordered it.

    It will be like Christmas morning when I get it in April. No really. Because it’s like a gift you’re giving me that I paid for. Just like when I send a pair of boots to my parents house and tell them to wrap ’em up and put them under the tree for me.

    Merry Christmas!

  125. I just shared & posted this on FB:
    I am preordering this book NOW– OR– wait, wait– CHILDREN? (As in, MY CHILDREN– NOT STUDENTS– I mean the children who sprang forth from my loins….Apologies to those of you who just threw up a little in your mouth, thinking about my loins)— Mandy Fehlbaum, Alissa Fehlbaum, or Kristen Fehlbaum— this is on Mommy’s Christmas list which previously did not exist until, ya know, NOW: even though it doesn’t come out in time for Christmas, the thought WILL count if you pre-order it for me.

  126. I haven’t been a long time reader, but I still want to peruse that sucker because who wouldn’t with a dead mouse on the front?

  130. Oh my god I WANT that book. So I do have ADD the not super crippling kind obviously because I can focus long enough to hit “submit” but I totally get how the internet makes ADD much much worse. In fact the internet might have invented ADD. On a totally unrelated note, that hotel sounds strange and confusing. I think their competition could go far with the slogan “come to the Marriott- our toilets are easy to find!”

  131. CONGRATULATIONS JENNY!!!!! I can’t wait to read it!!It’s already on my top 5 favorite books of all time!

  132. I’m beginning to regret not investing in an education in taxidermy when I had the chance.

    You go, Jenny! Brava! Can’t wait to read the book.

  136. I’ve been reading your blog for some time now without ever writing a comment.

    But now I thought I’d tell you that I just pre-ordered your book. I’m sure it’ll be great.

  137. Congratulations! That looks absolutely amazing (the cover design is fabulous, but no surprise there) and I can’t wait to get a hold of it :D!

  138. Yaaay, a book! It’s about time. Not to make you feel bad about your crippling ADD or anything, but really… it’s about time!!

    Congrats!

  139. Can’t wait for the book! I know it’ll be the best thing ever. But we’ll pretend it never happened anyway.

  141. Excellent!!! Can’t wait – but I don’t wanna pre-order no book mass produced for the great unwashed… I want a signed autographed one made out to to me… something like “to the guy who totally trashed all my jokes when repeating them in the office and everyone now avoids”

  142. Congrats!!!!! And..thank you. I was part of the way out of the hole and just laughing at this post…I think I am just about out of the pit. Or maybe it’s just that scene from The Ring when you discover what “The Ring” refers to? Anyway, am pre-ordering. Because I plan to be around to receive my copy.

  143. Wow, I’d totally love a pillow menu. The offerings in this house are “pillow flattened by husband’s block head (and secretly swapped with yours)”, “lumpy pillow”, “hard as a rock pillow” and “pillow with drool stains”.

    Actually, the shit pillow might be an improvement. Especially if it comes with the wisdom of mountain healers.

    Congrats to you and Hamlet.

  144. A-MA-ZING. Wonderful back story, beautiful cover. I can’t wait until you travel by plane with a weasel and cobra for the next book cover.

  145. I’m so glad I found your blog. Read it beginning to end in two days. Just pre-ordered the book, although I hope I forget so that when April rolls around it’s like “Wow. Someone sent me a package. Oh yeah, that was me. Oh me you’re so sweet!”

  146. I can’t wait to read it, Jenny! Can you please send me an early copy? I’m sure I’m the only one who’s asked you. Either way, can you name my vagina, please? Thanks.

  147. So I tweeted this to you, but it sounds weird as a tweet, so I’ll write it here as well.
    I was reading this blog post to my mom and when I was done we had this convo:
    Me: I am so like The Bloggess. I think I need my on Victor.
    Mom: You are like her. You should ask her where she got him.
    Me: *Think she was talking about Hamlet* Maybe her dad made him for her and she dressed him up.
    Mom: Her HUSBAND?
    Me: Ohhh…I thought you were talking about Hamlet…
    Then we laughed a lot because it would be funny if your dad had made Victor and you dressed him up. I’m assuming you do dress him up sometimes.

    But I cannot WAIT for your book. Why do we have to wait so long? 🙁

  149. Pre-ordered your book on Amazon, and I noticed that Neil Gaiman reviewed your book! That is so awesome! I can’t wait to read your book!

  154. The hotel experience is a book in itself. It could be an educational book for prepositions. I taught them as “anywhere a mouse could go,” so HvS would be useful. And now I have the Schoolhouse Rock song back in my head… On the top is where you are. If you try you know that you can fly… over the rainbow! My daughter smells like butt. (That’s not a part of the song but I had wine and she’s next to me and I have ADHD and can’t help myself.)

    Nobody better judge me for not updating my blog in three months. Sheesh.

  158. My pilates workout can suck it. I just have to read this again for the best ab workout of my life!! You are amazing and I can not wait for my copy of the book to proudly display in my house (and read of course!)

  159. I laughed so hard about the curtain thing that I think I broke a rib. It sounded like something I would do! Awesome. Will defiantly be getting the book. I will probably break all my ribs while reading it though! Love you Jenny. Thanks for always brightening up my day.

  162. I didn’t preorder because a year is a really long time and who knows where I will be. I mean who knows where anyone will be, right? But I expect you to remind us when the book is available for order or maybe even post order.

  163. Congrats, Jenny! I’m on year three of writing my book and am still stuck on the part where I decide what I’m going to write about.

    Thankfully, after reading this post and coming to the realization that my book could never compare to this guaranteed wit-infused amazingness, I’ve decided to skip the book and focus on my other passion:

    Taxidermy.

  166. Congratulations on getting a dead mouse holding a skull and named Hamlet on the cover. I really don’t think anyone but you could have made that happen.

  167. Thank you for sharing your adventure at the fancy hotel. I was laughing out loud and reading (and edited version) to my son. He said, “That would be really funny if it was real” When I told him it was his eyes got big and he said, “you’re right–rich people ARE weird!” I doubt I’ll ever find myself at a fancy hotel, but if I ever do I will be sure to think of you when looking for the missing toilet. I will buy your book, and thank you for writing it. I very rarely buy books due to my limited income and unlimited (it seems) number of kids, but that much laughter will be worth it, I’m sure.

  168. I need to be able to pre- order for the kindle so it’s easier to take with me to public places. That way, when I have pass out from laughing there’s a greater chance someone will see that I get medical attention.

  171. Dammit. I want a dead rat (not a mouse) holding the skull of a mouse (not a rat). I shall call him Hamrat. And he shall have ninjawear and a katana. Or maybe nunchucks. And wooden sandals.

  172. Without even thinking, I started clapping when I saw the cover.

    And OK…squealing a little, too.

    I need a life. And that book.

  174. Wait a minute, hold the phone. Is that a live hamster pretending to be a dead mouse reading the New Yorker? I’m on to you, Bloggess.

    totally pre-ordering. Love.

  175. Yahoo, yippee kaiy-yai-ay motherfuckers! (motherfuckers = all those ppl that told you it couldn’t be done, shouldn’t be done, or never will happen.) AND a merry Christmas and Happy Halloween to those motherfuckers too! Oh, and congrats bloggess! You are my idol!

  177. This is beyond the awesomeness. The book, the fancy crackhouse hotel, the hidden toilet…everything.

  179. Yeah, well, I just wrote 1400 words in NaNoWriMo… you know, between pre-ordering your book and reading this post…

  181. WooHoo and congratulations! I read someone who’s a published author!

    Actually, I always do that.

    I like to mix things up by traveling on a plane to NY with a pre-ordered book, to talk about a mouse.

    Seriously, congratulations. That’s cool.

  182. My wife also said that you’re becoming a bad influence as I have now started swearing but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her to eff off!

  183. I like your Amazon bio! It ends with: “Her blog (www.thebloggess.com) is award-winning, extremely”

    I am sure your book will also be award-winning, extremely

    I’ll buy it 🙂

  184. You just made my day, AND then I realized that a year is a FREAKING long time to wait. A lot can happen to a girl in a year. Like death. GAWD, please do not let me die before I can read is book. When Stephen King took 15+ drinking years to finish his GUNSLINGER series, I found myself praying to the LORD that Stephen would not die before he could finish the book. In this case, I will have to pray that I don’t die before this books comes out! Please don’t let me die!

  185. You are living the dream! Hugest congratulations, but also on this post, which was like a shot of instant happy.

    Where can I get my own dead mouse?

  188. Awesome! Writing books isn’t easy, I’ve tried a few times and failed…pretty sure I suffer the wrath of the ADD monster too. I can’t wait till this comes out! 🙂

  190. YAY!

    And on a side note – I’m totally glad SK doesn’t write about his Vag… because it would probably be too gritty and realistic… and, well… just plain wrong. And it might be able to move things without touching them. That would creep. me. the. fuck. out.

  194. Ah, Jenny. You never fail to come through for us. That may be the very best book cover I’ve ever seen. I absolutely cannot wait to read your book.

    It occurred to me that you may have inadvertently quoted Hamlet on many a sleepless night, “..To sleep, perchance to dream…”

    Love you!

  195. Ordered!!! Well, pre-ordered ordered. You know what I mean.

    Congratulations, Jenny! Awesome accomplishment!!!

  199. Jenny!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOWOZERS! I am silly happy for you! I’ve been reading your blog for years now and I just can’t wait to get my hands on your book!
    Oh, how exciting!!!!!!!!! Hugs! Congrats!! 🙂

  201. I don’t think I have ever pre ordered a book. Ever. Not Harry Potter or Stephen King or anything with the words “Xena Warrior Princess.” But I am pre ordering this. You are my new Xena only I really don’t want you walking around carrying a sword and a chakram.

  202. Can’t wait to read this book. Do you get more $$$ from a “real” book sale or from a Kindle book sale? I think authors get more from Kindle, but I so want people to see me reading a book with Hamlet von Schnitzel on the cover so they’ll go buy one too!

    Please tell me there will there be Hamlet von Schnitzel Christmas cards this year?

  204. Reading that was like driving a big truck up a mountain on a one-lane road that drops off on the driver’s side and at the top, finally, there’s a Baskin Robbins where they let you sample every flavor for free. Who writes like that!

  205. I just wanted to give my sincerest congratulations! And even though I’m personally terrified of plague-carrying mice, I think Hamlet is kind of cute. On paper, at a distance.

  207. I’ve been to that hotel. It was so insanely overwhelming so I just hid in the bathtub until I felt better. And then I drank martinis & jumped on the bed. It seemed like the thing to do in a place like that.

  208. I thought your hotel stay was hilarious from reading it on your twitter feed, but it just gets funnier with every retelling.
    I love the book cover, pure genius!!

  210. You Rock!!! Congrats. It seems a little funny though…how excited I am for you.

  211. Great post!

    Congratulations on the book. I will get a copy. I love your writing, and cant wait to read the book!

  212. Preordered!! Debating whether I should go order copies for my mom. And my sister. And my BFF.

    Hey, does this mean there’s going to be a BOOK TOUR?!?!

  213. You are awesome and my hero. CONGRATS FOR FINISHING! And I’ve ordered the book! Cannot wait!

    At first I was like NO, there’s no kindle version, I will have to wait for it to ship to get it and then realized that since it’s preorder, it’ll be arriving on the release date anyway, and this way I have an actual hardcover that I can put on my shelf and I get to explain about Hamlet von Schnitzel to everyone who passes my bookshelf and it will be AMAZING.

    I made the mistake of reading this post while drinking hot tea – this was a SERIOUS ERROR. I recommend no one else ever do that. But to read this, you’ll have already read the post, so there’s really no saving you 🙁

    I’ve been reading you forever but had to comment because CONGRATS!!!! And all. That’s it!

  215. Hell yeah, goddammit! I am going to order it right now! Congratulations – the cover is magnificent.

  216. I cannot wait to read this book. You are so fucking funny. Your description of ADD as it relates to writing your book describes exactly how I feel about myself and my own self-diagnosed ADD and inability to finish my fucking book. You are doing this for mildy ADD writers everywhere! Congrats!

  217. I’m kind of terrified and fascinated about what pressing the “Room” on/off button would do. I mean, if you push it, do you blink your room out of the space time continuum or something? Even further, if you’re standing in the room, do you go with it? Or is it YOU that is put out of the continuum, so you are just floating in a void that is nowhere?

    This is going to keep me up all night, staring at my ceiling.

  218. Weirdly, I searched for your book on Amazon today… Before you wrote this post.

    Weird?

    And also, makes me feel like we have a psychic connection. Awesome (for me, that is).

  219. Yay! I am so proud!!! And so excited to read it, I’ve been waiting and waiting, but I figured I might be waiting a couple more years. I’m ecstatic! Thank you also for providing me what will be the awesomest book I’ve ever read! And if this makes no sense, please be aware that I’m typing this while pretending to listen to my husband go on and on about numbers. So now I’m just confusing these two conversations. Huh? Oh I’m just going to give up now, this makes no sense at all.

  220. I can’t wait. Strangely enough I also want to start writing a blog just so I can mention it in the comments on your blog. Is that wrong?

  222. I can totally relate to the curtain thing, because that is totally something I would do.
    I would have an aspiring actor mouse too, but my mom would freak out and make me get rid of him. Sigh.
    Can’t wait to read the book 🙂

  223. I can’t wait for the book…one question…is there like an Epic Edition that comes with a six foot chicken?

  224. You just never let me down! I am always laughing or commiserating on here. BEST. BLOG. EVER. I’ve always felt like an oddball in my personality and sense of humor but your blogs always make me feel pretty normal and I mean that in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE. Never stop!!

    🙂 <3

  228. Every writer knows what a labor (and labor of love) that first book is. Whether it’s 11 months, 11 years, or something in between. So so very proud of you Jenny. Too much so to be funny about it

    May you sell 100 zillion copies.

  230. I don’t even know what to say except that I am SUPER EXCITED FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.
    yay book and yay Jenny!

  235. I couldn’t even bother with reading the other comments – because THIS?! This was all kinds of awesome!

  237. You. Effing. Rock.
    And I knew Trump was in deep with the transient crackheads.

    Hey, is Hamlet going to use part of his royalties to have the mouse skull gold-plated?

  238. If I wrote a book, I’m betting that my parents wouldn’t even buy it. My husband would though. With my money.

  239. Holy Crap, that was hilarious! Can’t wait for the book, either. And you should seriously consider a special edition that comes with a metal chicken. No joke.

  240. Yippeeeee!! Pre-ordered and waiting anxiously. If your blog is any indication, your book is, no doubt, fantastic. Thanks Jenny for the smiles and guffaws.

  243. I noticed the phone with your name on it had one missed call. maybe an elevator mate, or Bob, or the pillow delivery people?? You probably missed the call because the toilet was hidden and you wondered why the wall was ringing. I would have TOTALLY never noticed a hidden toilet either. Thank God you didn’t have to pee…..

    Very funny post, Hamlet is adorable, and YAY!! on the book. Preordering will be done in this household!

  244. You finished it! Yay! (I was one of those annoying people who kept asking – “How is the book going?”)
    I’m so glad the publisher acceded to your wish to have Hamlet von Schnitzel on the cover; it turned out spectacularly. However, I assume there is an author photo on the back at least, or the inside back flap?

    Like everyone else, I wish this book were coming out sooner. We need to flood the publisher with requests for Christmas availability. After all, it’s a memoir, so they don’t have to do a bunch of fact-checking prior to publication. (That didn’t come out right. What I mean is you are the ultimate expert on the facts of your life). Anyway, congratulations Jenny.

    P.S. Who recorded the audio book?

  248. Mazel tov to you and Hammy von Schnitzel. There are no two more deserving people than you, two. Oh, and Victor (or is him real name Victim) should get the Nobel Peace Prize for living with you and surviving well enough to go to work in the morning. I think he must be totally awesomely cool!

    Good thing I know where the bathrooms are in this house. I’m laughing so hard that I need to get to one sooner rather than later.

    Go Jenny!

  249. Mazel tov to you and Hammy von Schnitzel. There are no two more deserving people than you, two. Oh, and Victor (or is him real name Victim) should get the Nobel Peace Prize for living with you and surviving well enough to go to work in the morning. I think he must be totally awesomely cool!

    Good thing I know where the bathrooms are in this house. I’m laughing so hard that I need to get to one sooner rather than later.

    Go Jenny!

  250. I laughed so hard reading this post that I think I woke up my sleeping kiddo. Love your warped way of thinking. Can’t wait to get my hands on a copy of you book, although I don’t really want to know more about your vagina.

  251. Oh, this post made me FURIOUSLY HAPPY and I have pre-ordered the book and will probably check on it a million six times before they ship it because I have zero patience. And because I already just KNOW it will be awesome.

    I am participating in the insanity known as NaNoWriMo because I am hoping that one day I will write something that is worth reading. Maybe we could go on a book tour together… We can make them give us a private green room so you don’t have a panic attack… And I think we’ll need a Pillow Menu, too.

    I’m curious about one thing. Why was there a phone next to the toilet? I am thinking it’s because the rich have someone come and wipe for them so they don’t have to risk soiling their hands. Or was there a toilet paper menu, as well? Maybe you were supposed to phone in an order for posterior powdering? I’ve never been rich, so I have no idea about these things… But I’d love to hear your thoughts!

  253. Awesome, awesome, awesome! I am so happy for you that you finished the book! I will trade you a sex flog for a whip. I’ve got 3. With poppers.

  254. I just pre-ordered this without hesitation. The only thing that ruined this amazing post was finding out that the book doesn’t come out till April 12. Not cool, Jenny.

    But seriously, you’re fantastic and congratulations 🙂

  255. Congratulations! I wonder how often in the “transitional” toilet-hiding hotel the maid service has to clean up after the guest who never found the privy. Because that’s class.

  256. I can’t believe I’m going to buy a book about a dead mouse who thinks he’s Hamlet. It helps that I used to work for bowhunters who were crazy dead animals, especially large, taxidermied ones.

  257. I have never in my life pre-ordered any book that won’t be out for 6 months. Until now. I just pre-ordered 2 because I have a seriously demented friend who will love it as much as I know I will. Congrats – you truly deserve it. Can’t wait until April. But then, I live in Minnesota and hopefully the ice will be off the lakes by then.
    Barb in Minnesota

  258. This is very cool. I just preordered a copy and paid as much for shipping as for the book, because THAT is how badly I want to read your words.

  262. I’m at tears.
    Because I can feel all the struggle and belief and just keep going that went into this.

    It’s like a dream.

    You did it.

    And I’m smiling through shining eyes for you.

    I am so very happy.

    YOu did it, Jenny.

    You really did it.

  263. I am so excited about your new book that I’m preordering it which is not something I’ve ever done – not even for 30 Rock or for an epidural when I had my daughter.

    CONGRATULATIONS!

  264. Congratulations! I hope this means you will be a NYT best-selling author who makes millions! But if not, well, you have the satisfaction of finishing something!

    Transient hotel? Really? We have one of those near my workplace. You can tell by the derelicts leaning over the balcony in the middle of the day. Sometimes they play chicken in lunchtime traffic. You’d be surprised how fast those people can move.

  265. #1: AWESOME

    #2: i was literally just thinking today about how you and jen lancaster would be best friends. MIND IS BLOWING RIGHT NOW. seriously, i think i have espn…

  266. I can’t preorder it right this second, but when I get my first paycheck from my new job in a week or two I think a good part of it may need to go towards that. I love the picture of Hamlet von Schnitzel! He may be my favourite of your critters, living, dead, or non-real.

  267. ~squeeeee~ That is so awesome! I, personally, will be ordering both the book AND the sex flog, thank-you-very-much!

  268. Okay, first of all, I really think they should have a toilet menu. Because if you’re rich, you should be allowed to pick your toilet, right?

    Second, I can’t wait for your book. Sooo brilliant.

    Third, there really wasn’t a toilet menu? You would think it would go perfectly with the fertilizer pillows.

  271. That is so AWEsome! I can’t wait to read the book…

    And how appropriate for National Use Your Common Sense Day! I shall utilize my own common sense by pre-ordering the book!

    To infinity and beyond!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  273. Oh, and also happy National Chicken Lady Day! I have no idea who the Chicken Lady, but after reading about your exploits at the airport, perhaps the Chicken Lady is you!

    SOOOOOOO….HAPPY NATIONAL CHICKEN LADY DAY!!!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  274. Congrats Jenny!!!

    I often wonder if you have a chance to read all these – but it doesn’t matter because I’m SO PROUD of you!!

    I already pre-ordered it. I am so PSYCHED.

    As someone who is working on a book myself, which will probably take years too, I want to say again WAY TO GO GIRL!

  275. You are amazing and I cannot wait to read it! So! I buy the book, mail it to you, you autograph and send it back, yes? I pay for postage both ways of course. Yes? Please?

  276. Fantastic. And congratulations! I normally don’t read memoirs unless they revolve around somebody’s misery or have pictures, but I think that I will make the exception here.

  279. 1. I put your pre-ordered book in my Amazon shopping cart, but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet, so let’s call that pre-pre-ordering. Like the drug deal before the lonely drinking before the disco orgy.

    2. I badly want to meet Hamlet von Whatshisfuck in person. I have live mice (in a cage) and a small stuffed mouse named Algernon that I take places with me, but I don’t have an actual dead mouse. (Unless you count the two buried in my side yard, but I don’t because they’re more like mouse skeletons now. I assume. I haven’t dug them up. Yet.) Anywho, I think Algernon and your skull carrier would get along splendidly.

    3. WAIT. I KNOW WHERE WE COULD GET TWO MORE MOUSE SKULLS.

  280. A pillow menu with only 6 options? The swanky hotel The Boy stays at has 11 on theirs… which I always snigger at. I remember the days when there was only four types: hard, medium, soft and feather.

    I totally can’t wait to read your book!!!!

  281. Yay!

    And I hear you on the meeting. I once pitched a management consulting job to a man who looked very familiar. Halfway through I realized he was the dermatologist who’d performed my last full-body (read naked) skin cancer check. I was glad I didn’t get that job.

  282. They were planning for you to be drinking heavily in the bathroom (as you are wont to do) and to be needed to be reminded of your name. Obviously.
    Also, I am now for real like mounting my BlogHer poem you wrote about liking my hair…but that you wouldn’t scalp me.
    Congrats!

  283. Wow. I have been reading your blog for a few years and following you on twitter and have such incredible respect for you. You inspire and give so many such joy. I have been living with depression for a few years. Strangely it reared it’s ugly head once I became a mother, something I yearned for. During this very difficult time I discovered you. You have often been my shining light. I cannot wait to read this book. Thank you for what you give so many of us.

  284. 1. Everyone who can open more than one window on their computer now has ADD.

    2. I should not drink red wine while reading your posts because I took a sip just before I read that you opened the curtains in all your glory and now I will be trying to scrub my 2 buck chuck out of my lungs all weekend.

    3. I got a little misty when I saw the book cover. For real, that is absolutely amazing!

  288. I love that you can make me laugh until no more sound comes out. Few people can do that. Thank you for being one of them. You absolutely rock.

  289. I seriously laughed out loud. Actual sound. That was amazing. I do remember most of the Tweets and I laugh at the phone (I manage our IP phones at work…so I know how that stuff works.)

    Congratulations on being published on paper. And thank you for sharing your amazing awesomeness with all of us.

  291. Oh oh oh man… I hurt myself laughing just reading this… Can NOT wait for the book! Congrats to you and to Hamlet, soon to be the most famous dead mouse in history!

  292. After this you should make a book specifically about parenting and have a cover of a dead baby wearing a ruff, just so it follows omn from the previous one.

  293. My husband just came up behind me and started reading over my shoulder and laughing asking about the stuffed mouse. He never laughs at stuff. I told him Jenny is really really funny.
    So excited for your book. Really I am.

  295. I absolutely love the cover of your book, and I can’t wait to read the back-story on Hamlet von Schnitzel—it sounds intriguing, and slightly frightening. You are truly incredible. Congratulations on the book!

  297. Jeeeeezus, you’re already #97 in books & #12 in Memoirs on the Amazon list. I salute you, motherfucker! (Except in my head, that last bit comes out in Crazy Asian woman as “MothaFuckaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh”.)

    Can’t wait to read it.

  298. some scattered thoughts:
    For such a fancy hotel you’d think they wouldn’t refer to it as a transient one.

    I would like a pillow menu.

    I love the cover and even if I hadn’t hear of you, read your blog, follow you on twitter and type this outside your bedroom window (oh hi!) I would still order it.

    In fact. Pre-ordered!

  299. Oh man, I kind of like the idea of having a pocket sized dead mouse to shut people the fuck up on flights. That may have to be my new party trick. And my mother in law… oh man that would make her silent for years…. awesome.

    The book looks awesome… cannot wait to order this. If I can’t find my own dead mouse I’m just going to use the cover as a stand in 😉 Congrats!

  301. too weird…I just started reading you and I am so proud of you I could cry. You are amazing.

  303. Once again, I find myself sagging over my laptop, crying from laughter while trying not to wake up my sleeping children and getting ready to drag my husband over to read it…

  304. Jenny (I thought your name was Bloggess?), I can’t wait to read this book! Will it be available on Kindle?

  305. That’s amazing! I mean the part about the book being published, not the be-costumed dead mouse holding another dead mouse’s skull. But that’s pretty awesome, too, I guess.

    I CRACKED UP through this whole thing! Love it.

  307. I hope this book will be available in ebook format! I’ve already added it to my wish list though. Can’t wait.

  311. Jenny, congrats 🙂 I am excited for the release of your book… and a little scared! I FB your posts all the time cuz you are are my inside voice that needs to be heard! Thank you 🙂

  312. How do I get my copy signed? This is important for me to know. I only have till April to make my plans. You know, for kidnapping you if you don’t agree to sign my book by some simpler method less likely to land me in jail.

  313. Please tell me this is gonna be available on Kindle – pretty pretty please…

    Or I might have to hold my breath until April…

  314. You should actually pick ONE DAY for everybody who reads you to order the book, to give you a huge Amazon bump. The guys who wrote “Machine of Death” did that by having Ryan North announce ordering day on his Dinosaur Comics blog every day for a couple of weeks, and we (the buyers) managed to knock Glen Beck’s shitty book out of the #1 spot when both books debuted on the same day.

  315. I actually cried laughing during this entire post.
    Love your madness.
    So proud that this book is done and ready.
    Your success is making me both furiously happy and thickly optimistic.
    Good on you, Jenny. Bravo.

  316. I really want to buy your book, but on the kindle. Why isn’t it on the kindle Jenny? I’d gladly help you with the epublishing for a free copy, if your publisher won’t.

  317. It only took Joseph Heller nine years to write Catch 22, so if your book took 11 years to write, it will absolutely blow Heller out of the friggin water. Or the ground, if he is dead. But, heh, no pressure.

  318. Congratulations! However, I’m not going to pre-order it because in a year there’s a chance I may have a full-time job instead of two part time ones and maybe I’ll have some sort of workable budget with which to pay for your book.

    Not that you really had to know that. A glimpse into the life of a recent college grad!

  320. Does your book come in Braille? Question: if Braille is for blind people, what type of special book do deaf people read? If anyone has an answer, I request one deaf book and one Braille book.

  323. Congratulations! Your blog is such a day brightener for me; I can’t wait for a whole book’s worth of your writing! Preordering now … furiously happy.

  325. I would like a copy of the book, but I can’t read. Illiteracy is a real problem in this country. 99% of the reading is done by people who can read. My demands are as follows:
    1. All books be converted to books on DVD, acted out by mimes
    2. All mimes be forced to recite passages of The Bloggess’ book out loud on camera, so that we can all see mimes with broken spirits.

    Viva la Occupy Bloggess!

  326. So I just read this whole post, after singing rehearsl/gallons of gin..
    after pages of cahta it turns out to be shilling for your new book?!
    AWESOME!!! I’m still trying not to pee in my pants from reading and now I find there’s a book coming?!
    OMG!!! I will happily pay full price at a local store and make the queens there read it so you get even more sales.
    Thank you for getting the publishing world to see how fucking fabulous you are!
    XO
    V (still not your hubby)

  328. Totally. Fucking. Awesome. It took Margaret Mitchell 9 years to write Gone with the Wind, and her book doesn’t have any zombies, taxidermy, or geishas. It takes time to get all those important details just right. Those 2 extra years were well spent.

    I’m bummed that Amazon won’t let me write a review before the book comes out.

  329. First, congrats on your book!

    Second, OMG! I was laughing sooo hard reading this post! This is good advertising for your book!

  330. At comment 321 I’m quite certain that you’ll never read this but DAMN girl! I’m so proud of you and so excited for your success! Yay, Jenny!!!

    Love you long time, xoxo

  331. Fun fact: I am sitting here breathing into my oxygen mask while trying to read parts of this post outloud to my husband, who is playing Batman on XBox. I think it’s an XBox? Anyway, you made me laugh through some pain and I appreciate it so much.

    CONGRATULATIONS on the book! How exciting is that?! If I were you I’d constantly be staring at the cover in awe and glee. You did it!!!

  332. That has to be the handsomest dead mouse I have ever seen, and having two full-time cats in residence and one that spends the summers here I have seen more than my share of dead mice. The cats seem to be running some sort of catch and release program to improve the genetics base for the mice they’ve already released in the house. They do catch them occasionally and cull, but it is on ongoing battle to stay ahead of them.

    Fantastic about your book. Can’t wait to get a copy!

  333. Once again, I have hurt myself laughing. As someone who DOES have severe, crippling ADD, did you see that bird? I’ve never seen a bird that color before.

    (ADD sucks. It makes things hard. You’re awesome. Squirrel.)

  335. YAY YOU!!! I am pre-ordering two copies right now, one for me and one for my sister. I sent her a Beyonce statue earlier this year that I honestly believe has saved her life (she has debilitating anxiety and depression and is going through an incredibly difficult time right now). So thank you for that, also.

  336. DUDE! YOU WROTE A BOOK!

    Congratulations, woman. I am so thrilled for you and will be buying it as soon as I can!

  338. It’s wrong that I used the clues you gave about your hotel to figure out who your publisher was, and then the cover quote from another author at the same publisher clinched it.(I do recommend PRETTY IN PLAID for anyone who hasn’t read it.)

    If you get to go back to that hotel, get a hammam treatment at the spa. It’s AWESOME. As your book will be, I’m certain.

  340. Um, yeah … Would luv to pre-order, but no Kindle option? Perhaps forthcoming? One of my ADD/clutter-deal antidotes is “don’t add to the stacks of physical books”. Just sayin’ … eBook availability might be a soothing option for a certain component of your audience. Waiting til launch, but if no Kindle version by then, will gladly add to my stacks … luv reading your blog!

  341. Thanks for reminding me NOT to read your blog late. I’ve awoken my toddler AND husband with my laughing. Neither were amused. Sad really.
    At least I know what I’m asking for my fashionably-late-Christmas-present!

  342. Just pre-ordered it! You are a national treasure, Jenny Lawson. Congratulations on all your much-deserved success. 🙂

  343. Super excited, and I’m going to pre-order my copy. If there had been a chance to pre-pre-order last month, I’d have done that. But the point is, I can hardly wait to read it!

  346. a book i look forward to having in my bathroom drawer to read when hiding from kids and the only safe place to read it because i seem to be laughing so hard from your blog i have to pee 1/2way thought them more shortly after if i’m not crying from laughter first! 🙂

  347. You kept me smiling through a summer when, really, I was having a hard time turning off the car before I shut the garage door. Really. Looking forward to having your book on my shelf. And, thanks.

  349. I so added that to my wish list. Then I thought hey, she has editorial reviews, I’m an author of sorts. I have an entire short story up! Then I saw that the reviews were from like famous people and I was impressed, yet saddened that mine would not fit in, or be asked to comment. Then I got jealous. Then I said screw it and kept it on my wish list because I know it’ll be one of the most hilarious things ever. 🙂

  350. Congrats on your book! You must be thrilled!

    The NY hotel sounded pretty damn awesome–definitely nicer than any shit-hole I’ve stayed in! In those places, it’s always obvious where the toilet is. They don’t try to hide it. Dumps!

  351. Thanks a lot.

    I just experienced premature orderation.

    With an Amazon.

    Is that TMI?

  352. Look at this. You got flown to New York, put up in the kind of hotel that hides the toilet AND you got to bring a dead mouse to a meeting with suits.

    Do you not realize how fucking amazing your life is?

  354. I think your little dead mouse is cute. Is that weird?

    Congrats on your book completion. There’s no one funnier than you.

  355. TFA (total fucking awesome). And Wow. And a hotel room with on/off buttons. Did you try them all? I’m guessing the ‘Master’ on/off button is somehow tied in to the flog, but I’m curious how you turn a room off. Personally, I’d save the big unlabeled one for late at night, but keep my shoes on just in case.

    Maybe they put your name and the hotel on your phone for when you ran out of crack, and couldn’t remember where you wanted it delivered. Or who you were, though you probably wouldn’t want to tell the crack dealer that.

  358. Does this mean that by next Christmas you’ll be so frigging huge that there will actually be merchandising associated with your book and we’ll all get to have our very own Hamlets? Sort of like a Disney princess figurine but, you know… formerly alive and stuffed. If so, I am *so* there.

  359. Haven’t been with you the whole way, but I sure have enjoyed the journey so far. Look forward to getting my hands on a copy of the book when it is released. 🙂

  360. I applaud you while staring in awe… and I need to know if the book will come out in Europe as well, because if not, I need to book a trip to the States. (I know, I know… ‘the internet?’, but it’s much more adventurous to actually go buy a book overseas)

  362. Yay!!! Congratulations! I can’t wait to read it. I’ve never pre-ordered anything that far in advance.

    My husband and children think I have lost my mind as I’m sitting at my computer, cackling away reading your post. The problem is I can’t read it because I’m laughing so hard I have tears. Thank you for the excellent outlet! Can not wait for the book!

  363. Jenny,

    I’m honored to have known you for half the time that it took for you to write that book. Congratulations!

    Going off to place my order now.

    Monica

  364. I am totally purchasing this book! I can hear your pockets filling up with royalty cheques as I type. Well done!

  365. I pre-ordered it from Amazon. Since my birthday is around that time, I’m going to consider it an early present to myself!

  366. Pre-ordered!

    Also… there was a button to switch THE ROOM on and off?! Did it just, you know… vanish? Leaving you suspended in mid-air, mid-hotel?

  367. I was going to write a comment, but then I saw how many other comments and I thought… well… who cares about my comment? But I’ve already put the effort into typing this so here.
    I was going to pre-order, but then I thought “what if I die before then?” becasue a year is a long time away. I’m screwed up like that.This comment has a lot of “I”‘s in it

  369. Congrats! Look forward to reading it! Your doing better than me, I’m only 1/2 way though my book – so take heart, you have achieved more than SOMEONE! 🙂

  370. I can’t wait to read it! Even sweeter having the cover blurb be by my other favorite blogger, Jen Lancaster. The only thing that would make the book perfect is if it is released on Kindle — but I will read it in whatever form available (paper, electronic, smoke signals…) because your writing makes me laugh harder than anyone else in the world. Congratulations, Jenny, I am so happy for you!

  373. From the Amazon page:

    “For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris-Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut.”

    So they only FAKE read your blog because it’s supposed to be AMY Sedaris. Geez.

    (STILL so happy you FINISHED your book! Just think, you’ll be a grandmother when you finish the sequel…. 😉 )

  374. I love the pic of the buttons to operate the room. If you press the ROOM OFF button, does it stop being a room? Does it disappear? What happens if you’re in the room at the time?

  375. By the way, I will buy your book when it comes out – let us know when. I won’t pre-order it because I’ve pre-ordered so much stuff in the past and then ordered it again when it actually comes out (but before the pre-ordered copy is delivered). I have two copies of lots of things – I should probably open a second-hand store. Well, not so much second-hand as second-copy.

  379. Oh, joy! I do regularly hurt myself laughing at your blog, so the book will probably put me in the hospital. Congratulations!!

    I would love to ride an elevator with you sometime.

  380. Please oh please oh please oh PLEASE tell me that the audiobook version will be read by the author! PLEASE!!

  382. Mucho Congrats, Jenny!

    Hey Everyone else… if we ALL pre-order Jenny’s book, it’ll be a Best Seller before it even comes out… How cool would that be?

  383. I just started reading your blog, and I’m QUITE excited about your book! Congratulations!

    Do you have any stuffed Hamlets in your store???

  384. I can’t find the right words so suffice it to say that you are just incredibly awesome. Cannot wait for the book!

  385. You’re like the Steve Carrell character from Dinner for Schmucks!
    I’m left decidedly happy I do not write about my vagina. I can’t wait for the book, if you want to send me one early, I will have my wife read it (on average, it takes her about a night to read a novel) and then I can have her guest blog a review on my blog. I’m trying to encourage her to be a book reviewer because she would be fabulous at it!

    Scott

  387. I’ve pre-ordered to have this shipped over to the UK.
    Well I say I’ve pre-ordered, I mean I’ve threatened to sulk if my boyfriend doesn’t get order this for me for Christmas.
    Well I say I’ve threatened to sulk, I mean I’ve threatened to physically hurt him if he doesn’t get me this…

  388. Here I was with a cleverly thought out comment about Dinner for Schmucks, only to find I’ve been beaten to that joke like a $2 hooker on the streets of Brooklyn. Oh well. Just pretend I said something cute an witty and we’ll just move along, ok?

  389. Oh snap, if you click on your name on Amazon, apparently you write IT books, too!!! This should immediately boost your street creds among the geek squad!

  391. Pingback: Blog Posts From Writers You Shouldn’t Miss! - The Bold Blend

  396. Jenny,

    I only recently started following you. IT WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. Including saying “I do.” over 20 years ago. Thank you for plugging along.

  397. That mouse is gross, but I’m still totally preordering your book because it’s obviously a must read.

  400. Congratulations for finishing your book, that is an amazing accomplishment. I work as a bookseller and I am so going to sling that thing like it is a novel full of broody teenage vampires. I may just randomly accost customers with copies of it once it finally comes out.

  401. I have a paralyzing and irrational fear of mice and can’t even look at a picture of one without screaming. I screamed at the top of my lungs twice while reading your post. Keeping this book in the house is going to be very interesting. Only for you would I buy a book with a picture of a bubonic plagued nightmare on the cover. Now that’s love.

  402. Could not be happier for you! And Hamlet!

    Unless you sell a bazillion copies. That would make me happier for you. So do that.

  404. Congratulations! Nobody does it better than you. At least not that I can find.

    Rich people always have phones in their bathroom and I’ve never been able to figure out why. Asking them why they always have a phone in their bathroom seems too easy.

  408. Fuck. Yeah. Mother. Fucking. Finally.
    Pre-ordered like nobody’s business. I’m so excited to read….wait, WTF, about your Vee? That could make looking you in the eyes a little awkward at your cross canada bathroom book signings. I’m sure we’ll both be drunk enough to make it magical.

  410. Yay! Congrats on the book, and hurray for Hamlet making the trek to NY – he’s a lucky mouse. Not a big fan of most memoirs, but I’m going to read yours. Thanks for the advance notice.

  412. Oh, Jenny. After this post, I am somewhere in between being madly in love with you for your incredible sense of humor and full of raging jealousy that you own a dead mouse dressed as Hamlet and I don’t.

  414. How did you stuff your mouse? I ask because I have a very old mouse that will probably die soon and I’d like to stuff it rather than putting it in the mouse graveyard. Yes I have a mouse graveyard.

  415. Jennie – I don’t comment often but I read your blog every day and pretty much laugh until I cry at everything you write. I am so hapy for you that I literally got goosebumps when I read that your book was finally coming out – YOU ARE AMAZING!

  417. I’ve had the opportunity to stay in hotels with a phone next to the toilet.

    To be honest? It’s kinda of gross. I mean does one really need to be yacking to someone while they are taking a poop at a hotel? (There’s all kinds of wrong with that anyway, as I have always found that taking a poop on a toilet that isn’t mine to be problematic. Add that to the realization that other people that have sat there talking while they took a poop. Holy moly! I could never fathom using that phone and gambling that it had been properly cleaned by a chambermaid, who by the very virtue of being defined in life as a chambermaid, would automatically not clean a phone near the toilet, as her way to sticking it to the man. Or perhaps I am just over-thinking the whole thing.)

    Great freaking book cover.

  418. Ok, um wow. So much to absorb in one post. Congrats on the book! I loved this entire post from start to finish … but I’m still stuck on the shit pillows… and a telephone next to the crapper?! Gross. Probably why backwoods and fancy schmancy don’t mix.

  421. Ah Jenny, you are keeping me alive 🙂 I am still using the pillow my mom got me with green stamps when I was 9. Now I’m 55. Pretty sure that’s the kind of pillow you have to pay a premium for, even in a fancy Trumped-up transient hotel! You can sleep on it AND use it as a biological WMD. 🙂

  422. This post made me laugh out loud several times, and that is quite an accomplishment as I rarely laugh out loud while reading. (Although your blog seems to be the exception to the rule).

    That said, I will be ordering your book and placing it on my coffee table. I will make it required reading for everyone who visits and probably also send a copy to my parents so I can say, “See! See! I am NOT the only one out there!” Cause most people in my life are convinced that anxiety/panic disorder is my personal vice and just do not understand that the internet is so much easier to go to than the grocery store. Plus, I love how you embrace your weird and wear it proudly. You make me furiously happy in a world where I tend to keep my head under the bedcovers. Thank you.

  423. one of your funnier blogs. Had to stiffle full out laughter so not to wake hubby, which I assumed may have looked like I was having a seizure. Love the orgy section. Also, love book cover.

  424. For a place that is mostly an overnight hotel (slash regular hotel), why does anyone *need* that many buttons for curtains. Why not just open them and close them with your *gasp* hands??? Maybe these transients generally don’t have opposing thumbs?

  425. I’ve pre-ordered your book for my birthday, which is conveniently on April 20th.

    Don’t worry, I will pretend to be surprised when it arrives.

  426. I will be pre-ordering for myself and friends and family members. I LOVE reading your blog and think you are a whole bunch of awesomeness. Thank you so much for sharing with us. LOVE the book cover!

  427. I put the book on my Amazon wishlist with the HIGHEST priority and a comment for my husband, “I MUST HAVE THIS BOOK!!!!!!”

    I know what I’ll be getting for my birthday. 😀

    Congrats, Jenny! Can’t wait to read your book!

  428. Jenny,

    I am so excited about your book. I will be preordering one!

    So, that flogger thing. We’ve got one in the radiation therapy department where I work. I know what it is, but every time I pass the room I wonder why there is a riding crop hanging on the wall…

  429. …annnnnd I just got tears from this.

    I guess because I’m proud? That seems weird, I don’t know you. Because I’m almost done writing my book, too? I don’t know why. I don’t even know you but I have followed you and you’ve been a few steps ahead of me in your career (okay like hundreds of thousands of steps – as in followers – ahead of me) and I’m just so excited for you. It’s weird when you just do what you do and people suddenly see you as an inspiration. But that’s what you are, I guess.

    Just so happy.

  430. Congratulations, Jenny! If it makes you feel any better, it took Katherine Anne Porter 29 years to write Ship of Fools. She partied a lot.

    You’re pretty much a teetotaling writing-machine by comparison.

  432. Almost the best cover I’ve ever seen. Throw in Hamlet’s ghost mouse dad, and you would’ve nailed it. But maybe ghost mice aren’t relevant to your memoirs… I guess I’ll just have to buy the book to find out.

    Oh… I see what you did there. Well played.
    Judgement overruled- this IS the best cover I’ve ever seen.

  433. 1. This is the second time in less than 24 hours that I have seen dead mice. The first time was a bride and groom.

    2. What really happens when you turn the Master on? And is the leather sex flog involved?

    3. Since your book will be released on my birthday I have no choice but to pre order it.

  434. Congrats, and well done! Can’t wait to get my copy, which I will display prominently in the bathroom — cuz that’s where all the best reading material goes.

    xo

  436. Did the photo shoot (or poor Yoric’s skull) finally scare Hamlet’s fur white? It changed color!!!!

  437. Count me in….but I really hope this will be available on Kindle. As I’m going to be in Thailand and don’t want to ship it overseas. Please, please, please, let me get what I waaant.
    Ps…Hilarious yet again

  438. Man, I wish I sat next to people on planes like you. If the person next to me put a stuffed mouse dressed like Hamlet on their tray, I would fucking pass out from joy. And spend the next 8 hours actually enjoying conversation with a stranger.

    You’re so awesome Jenny. Keep it up. And, really, you didn’t steal a shit pillow? Poor form.

    PS – I showed my friend Copernicus the monkey, and she laughed so hard at that post that she had tears streaming, which is awesome because she’s been going through a hard time and is an incredible mom, so I got her the FREE HUGS card for her birthday and she belly laughed and basically what I’m saying is that you brought joy to my BFF twice in one month and that makes me happy. Thanks.

  442. You are fantastic. I laughed out loud many times during this blog as I have during the rest.

    I cannot wait to read your book.

    love
    Serena

  443. Oh, yay! I’ve pre-ordered your book and fully intend to stop studying for my classes and do nothing but read your book when it arrives. So your book might destroy my chances of becoming a nurse, but at least it’ll be funny. Woohoo!

  445. Jenny: I usually only read people who’ve been six feet under for, well, a long fucking time, but you’re an exception. I cannot wait! Thanks for existing. Seriously.

  446. You make me laugh out loud. And since I have absolutely no sense of humor, I can’t tell you how priceless that is to me. Thanks (and I will buy the book— and give a few as presents. )

  447. I am so enormously proud of you and inspired. Cannot wait to read your memoir. The cover is magnificent. And so are you, dearest Jenny.

  448. We will take at least one, maybe two. What are the chances of getting them autographed?

  450. While I am late to this party (having just found you through the PR-guy-calling-you-a-fucking-bitch post in Gawker a couple of weeks ago), my hearty congratulations. I will definitely buy this because you make me laugh myself stupid(er).

    I will now take inspiration from your example and find a way to cash in on my Borderline Personality Disorder.

  451. Bloggess, I breathlessly await your upcoming book! I can’t wait to spend more than a few minutes at a time reading what you’ve written, keeping me giggling, occasionally breaking out into a guffaw, and just having a great time. You will keep reminding us, won’t you? I have a bit of ADD myself and CRS, so I have to be reminded now and then. I also hope you’ll get your publisher to offer the Kindle format too. I had to stop buying real books because there’s no room left in my house and the airlines have become so stingy on the weights of our bags. Congrats on finishing and achieving your goal!

  452. Totally pre-ordernig this in January (ya know, cuz I’m broke from my greedy ass family who have to have stuff for Christmas so that I can’t possibly pre-order anything for myself right now). It’s bad when you’re broke from Christmas even before Thanksgiving gets here…

  453. I’ve never been more excited for the month of April in my entire life! Especially this one since it will come a month after my dreaded 30th birthday.

    Congrats!

  455. So in awe this is all I can say. Many Congrats. 🙂 (and it’s already on my TBR – though how I will wait until next April is beyond my thoughts at the moment)

  457. Ordered! Are you going to keep us updated on how many pre-orders you have as the months go by? That’s how publishers decide you’re awesome, you know – and I’d like to know how we contributed to your all taxidermy – all the time fund.

  458. Long time listener, first time caller. I had to bust out of my hidey hole to say 1) congratulations to you and Hamlet! and, more importantly, 2) I also once traveled by plane with a dead mouse, only it was in my running shoe, which was wrapped in a plastic bag in my luggage for over a week in the Hawaiian humidity. When at long last I decided to go for a run and pulled out the bag, the smell singed my nose hairs and peeled paint off the wall. I didn’t actually discover the source of the putrid until after my run when I removed the shoe and saw little bones and a furry tail stuck to my sock. Little fella never even got a book cover.

  459. “Awesome” even doesn’t begin to cover it….congratulations!!! I’m equally excited by the prospect of your neighbor on the plane seeing this book cover.

  463. Sorry, but I can take no credit for helping with your book as I have only been reading your blog for about a year. Speaking of bathrooms with telephones, I got stuck in a hotel bathroom in Dallas once. The door swelled so much from the humidity while I showered that I couldn’t get it open. The bathroom phone was my lifesaver. Room service sent up a maintenance guy to open the door. But they never FIXED the door — the same thing may have happened to the next person in the room.

  464. Congrats! Can’t wait to read it! And can’t wait to have some officially published Jenny Lawson material that my speech/debate team kids can use for Humorous Interp at competitions, because that is going to ROCK.

  466. I feel like I need to thank you. Because you seriously make being at work a little bit better whenever you post.

    No pressure, though.

  468. Not to sound all completely fucking obvious but that. is. awesome.

    You are amazeballs and I’m pretty sure we’re related but I’m fucking awesome too.

    So, back to being obvious (and 90’s): You go girl!

  470. FANTASTIC! I can’t wait to read this book! I just pre-ordered it on Amazon so I’m now counting down the days until its arrival. Contrats Jenny!

  474. I’m so happy for you! Congratulations! Can’t wait for your book tour to swing through Southern Connecticut! *hint hint*

  475. Oh my God! I am so freaking happy (furiously happy??) for you! This is amazing! You must be so proud! And seriously, that book must be awesome! If you did a book tour that would be awesome too, although it might be awkward for the guys who have to go into the womens’ washroom to get their book signed

  476. Congratulations! I’m excited for you and your book. I’m a bookseller and will make sure to order copies.
    By the way, our cat is named Chi Chi von Schnitzel. But he’s not dead . . yet.

  477. I’ve said this before, and i’ll say it again, i don’t know how i’ve just recently discovered your blog (kudos to my sister who is an avid follower), but i’m SO happy i did. Can’t wait for the book, and representing those of us secure enough to write a blog but insecure enough to question whether it’s something anyone will even care about… what i got out of it, is that you are mainly do this for yourself, in it that alone, it is already a success. Cheers!

  478. I feel like I’ve been here for the beginning of something huge! I know this is weird from a random stranger on the internet but I’m so very proud of you!!! I can’t wait till the rest of the world starts talking about you and I get to say “oh, I was reading her back when she hid in the bathroom at Blogger and pissed off dooce…have you met her big metal chicken?” I think you’re the greatest and I can‘t wait to read your book. The cover is perfect! It could only be improved with the addition of James Garfield but I can understand why your publisher would have to implement their “only one dead animal dressed in clothing (hey, the hat counts!) per book cover” rule. We all have to follow that one.

  481. Hamlet is very photogenic, does he have an agent? I’m not an agent, but I think he should have one. Just like I thought I should have your book, so i just preordered it. I figure by the time it arrives I will have forgotten that I ordered it, and I’ll think some secret admirerer who has been stalking me by hacking into my internet history has noticed that I read your blog. And I’ll feel loved and obsessed about, and then I’ll read your book and rupture my spleen while laughing, and it will be, like, the best day ever. All because Hamlet is photogenic. And because you are wicked funny. Thanks in advance for the ruptured spleen, Jenny.

  482. The book is awesome. The drugs are awesome – reason for drugs… not so much. Your mouth is like my brain. However… my brain has to speak to high school students and it fucking pisses me off to be so damn nice all the time. I might just come over here and write fuck and shit and then jet. 🙂 Just kidding. I don’t often post on big blogs because I feel lost in the crowd – I more lurk in the corner pounding shots of tequila …. but – I am once again reminded why big blogs are big… because they are so fucking funny. (said the word again 🙂 )

    I will need a few copies of your book too. One for me and one for all potential friends. If they don’t read it – I might ditch them.

  484. Congrats on the book, it is gorgeous! And thanks for the DM the other night. I am out of the hole now too and launced a website and everything. Things always turn around and your DM on twitter really lifted my spirits!

    ‘nilla/tamara

  485. Pre-ordered! Done and done! A year – what a long wait it will be. Thank you for being so wonderful and working through the unspeakably difficult things that litter your path. I appreciate it more than you will ever know!

  488. So Happy for you. So happy for me that I get to read it and laugh – so happy for everyone else who will be laughing – it makes me laugh just to be happy for me and you and everyone. YAY! No, I don’t pre-order shit though – unless it’s Twilight. Then I do. But I will buy it when it comes out – I promise. And I love the cover – YAY for Hamlet – he must be so thrilled to be on the cover 🙂

  489. Your dead mouse is much bigger than my dead mouse Christmas ornament, but mine’s naked. Even so, I must ordered your book because every thing I read your blog I laugh out loud and makes my husband ask what I’m laughing at but he wouldn’t understand. Which makes me laugh some more.

    PS: feel better soon….

  490. Kitten algebra….I’m pretty sure it’s algebra and calculas mixed with biology and fur. Terrible combination, best to leave it to the professionals.

    I absolutely adore the fact that you take pictures of the bizarre shit they have in “swanky” hotels. (Sorry, I meant TRANSIENT…). I stayed at the Omni in San Diego once and the first thing I took a picture of was the ribbon tied around the spare toilet paper. Then I wondered why the emergency escape plan said I could escape from the window when it was sealed shut. But to be fair, we were on the 12th floor and I am scared of heights so I probably would have risked being burned.

    Also, my cat is not pleased at how hard I’m laughing at the lack of toliet access. Thanks for waking her up.

    -Renee

    …oh and I can’t wait for you’re book. I swear I meant to mention that…….

  492. I’m confused. Was Hamlet’s cover shot taken before his untimely demise? He looks so animated in the picture. Also, was he compensated for his work and, if so, did he leave a will for his mouselings? Please give my regards to his family.

  493. I will be buying this book!! Congrats on such a HUGE accomplishment as finishing the book!!! (for the record I’ve stopped buying books because I’ve gone green and use eReaders now) so me buying a book is as a big an honor as I can bestow onto someone as worthy as yourself!!

  494. My husband and I stayed in a hotel like that in a small town in Italy. You had to plug your room key into the wall to turn on lights, open curtains, and activate the water and other such things. They also had a pillow menu. Weird.

  496. Yay! Congratulations on an amazing achievement, no matter how long it took/takes. I’m looking forward to reading it like crazy. Cheers, CA

  497. Pingback: Lazy Sunday 6/11 | nearlynotquite.com

  499. This may sound so silly. Maybe it’s because we have a lot of the same problems and your posts make me laugh when it seems like nothing could possibly be funny and because you’re also from TX but, I feel like I know you. And I am so proud of you, like I can’t stop smiling and feel like I should brag to people or something. I mean all this in the creepiest stalker-esque way possible. Just in case there was any confusion.

  502. I went to Amazon to give your book a glowing review because I know how important hype can be for new authors. Apparently they won’t let you review things to which you have no access. Hmph. I asked my 7 year old son to build me a time machine so I could get the book, read it, and then give it 5 stars, but he is busy doing art. He does plan on building a time machine eventually, so I guess your book will be an integral part of the scientific explosion that will happen when he breaks the time barrier. We will officially know his time machine will have worked at some point in the future when your not yet published book gets a review with 5 stars! Maybe they will even give you a Honorable Mention Nobel Prize, which I think is even better than 5 stars on dumb old Amazon. Anyway, congratulations!

  505. I love the cover – and hibernation mode is almost here. I hope the book arrives before I settle down for my winter’s sleep.

  506. The day you posted this, I had taken my foster daughter to the airport. She is 5 now, we’d had her since she was three. She is being adopted by a family member out of state and my heart was breaking letting her go. I want to thank you for what you do. You make the good days better and the hard days, like Friday, bearable. “Your” awesome.

  509. I knew there was a reason I so strongly identify with you! When you have ADD, you learn to have a sense of humor or you go nuts. (Or both, in my case :P) I totally get how it would take you 11 years to write your book, but it will SO be worth the wait! Just look at the fancy hotel/crack house you got stay in. I think that rich kids are taught secrets that poor and middle class kids never learn, like how to find the toilet in fancy hotels and which fork to use to eat what food. This is how rich people sniff out imposters. Also, I TOTALLY would have talked to you on the plane. Having a dead mouse in medieval clothing is an indicator of a very interesting person.. 😉 Can’t wait until your book comes out!

  510. I’m sure a book tour would be difficult for you, but…is there a way we’ll be able to get you to sign our books by some other nefarious manner?

    (And I may relate to your hitting-buttons-with-disastrous results story more than I care to. Ahem.)

    <3

  513. Oh, Jenny! I heart you. You put the ‘fun’ in DYSFUNCTIONAL. And I love you for it! Thanks for making my day, again!!

  515. I LOVE the cover. I am so pre-ordering this as soon as I stop being lazy today. OK, maybe tomorrow. But yes, I WILL pre-order it.

  518. I put your book on my Amazon wishlist so I don’t forget until they offer a Kindle edition for preorder.

  519. I was going to just applaud your persistence in working for eleven years without giving up, but then I couldn’t really think about that because I’ve decided that my new dream in life is to be rich enough for a shit pillow!!! Oh yeah, and to be rich enough to go to a hotel with a leather sex flog in the closet. That’s classy right there! I don’t care who ya are.

  523. Awesome post! And please, please make your book available on kindle or other ebook reader so I can get it as soon as it comes out rather than wait for the kangaroos to deliver it!

  524. Oh, this bad boy is ordered and I am ready for it to be mine. Dating just got a lot easier with this as the test. If they aren’t laughing by the end of the first page, I will get stabby.
    You are officially the litmus test for awesome.
    And tell your ovary to stop trying to kill you.

  525. CONGRATSSS!! Now make it so I can buy it for my Kindle because I live in a very very very very small house and have no space for books. <3

  526. I was going to say that I want my copy autographed, bu that ‘s for sissies. I want you to personally lick every page so I can have your DNA everywhere I go. With the book, that is.

  528. You are the funniest person I never met. Thank god… I don’t know if I could take you in person.

  530. I may have just peed myself a litte. And for the first time in a while- NOT because I’m all knocked up with no room for my own organs- but because I am totally freakin excited! I have been following your blog for quite a while. You’re amazing. You make me feel less crazy, and I love everything that comes out of your mouth- or your keyboard (sooo, your fingers?) I don’t know. But I cannot WAIT for my copy of your book to be delivered!

  533. Great news! (and, yes, Herr vonSchnitzel does make an adorable cover model, although you would too, especially if you were holding a skull and wearing a cape) If it’s any consolation, I stayed in the Paris Hilton and peed in the shower for two days (not continuously) before I found the “hidden toilet”. And, as with your experience, the porter told me that a lot of Paris Hilton transients make that mistake.

  535. Definitely just submitted a suggestion for the Ellen show to do a segment on your book. Hopefully you’ll be able to live out your dream from last year’s post. Although it wasn’t all just for your benefit, I also submitted it for selfish reasons…I really just want to see you on her show, because the two of you together in all your epic glory would be awesome.

  536. How freaking exciting!! Good choice on the mouse instead of the boar guy. (I’m bad with dead animal names. My sincere apologies). Hamlet appears much more photogenic. And also less frightening to the airline security dudes.

  537. i will be pre-ordering your book for myself as a christmas gift from my husband. he knew this day would come the first time he heard me saying, “oh my god, the bloggess is writing a book i have to own it wehavetobuyitimmediatelysheisthegreatesteverSQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

    this isn’t really an exaggeration. i mean, sort of. but mostly not. anywho…yeah, totally excited for your book! congratulations and i hope you are so proud of yourself! you deserve this!

    also, neil gaiman is totally going to be reading you now.

  538. On Amazon… What Other Items Do Customers Buy After Viewing This Item? “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (+ UltraViolet Digital Copy) ”

    Damn them for not buying your book! Or maybe I jsut don’t know what Amazon is trying to say here.

  539. Sorry to hear that Hamlet von Schnitzel is dead, I probably should have known but I’ve only known you for ’bout 4 months. Had I known I woulda sent you a breeder pair of -cre/Tomato Red (TR) mice. The TR is a coral dye insert in the mouse DNA. -cre is the activator of TR expression. TR turns the nose, ears, feet, tail very red. My breeder pair were called Rhett Butler & Scarlett O’Hara. But alas the ‘boss’ said dump them, so the little Red Mouse Colony is now gone with the wind.
    I’ll book a BOOK now !

  540. Jenny Lawson – you sure do make me smile! Nice work girl – keep speaking your truth and pushing people’s buttons… it’s working! Light and love from me to you!

  543. Great, now my dead mouse is feeling sorry for himself because he doesn’t have a book cover or frequent flier miles.

    Congratulations on the book.

  547. As of this moment there are 541 comments. I’m going to make a wild guess that that makes me the at least the 490th person to think, “Why is it whenever I fly I never end up seated next to someone with a dead mouse wearing clothes and holding a tiny mouse skull?”

    On the other hand it’s probably a good thing I don’t because then this post would be more about the guy who seemed to be interested in Hamlet von Schnitzel and less about how Donald Trump owns a whole string of swanky crack houses.

  548. Pingback: A Book-to-be by @TheBloggess | Texas Blue Lime Productions

  549. Minor ADD with internet access is like handing a child already on a sugar high a basket of candy.

    It doesn’t matter at that point because nothing gets done and the interests are fleeting, at best.

  550. I would seriously consider minimum-to-medium security prison to obtain HvS. How the man on the plane could be so blind to the teeny teeny genius of the mourning of one such as Mouesric is beyond me. Truly there are some sick people in this world. You were brave to sit next to someone so depraved.

  551. OMG I simply can’t wait for the release date! Oh, and you totally should have been able to take the phone seeing as how it had your name on it.

  552. OMFG!! I cannot wait to read it! =)

    Does it have pics in it? I ask because I have a Kindle so I was wondering should I wait till it comes out on Kindle (tell your publishers to get on that!) or buy it in hardcover?

    Congrats, this is an awesome accomplishment!

  553. I would like to make a bid for a signed early edition.

    A $500.00 donation to the charity of your choosing. Yes. I’m serious. You have my contact details.

    The gentleman from Australia.

  554. Jenny, few-month reader, first-time poster. . . I just wanted to say congratulations. Also, I know you’re too nice to do this, but think it would be great if you sent a signed copy to Jose. You could write, “To Jose, with love and relevance, from The Blogess.”

  555. Love the book cover and have placed my pre-order. I had a dead mouse dressed as an angel that disappeared after I got married. I suspect my husband of the mouses demise. It was not a fair trade.

  558. This may have already come up but I don’t really want to read through the ten zillion comments your posts gather, so I’ll just say it [potentially again]: You really should remind your readers that it would behoove everyone – them, their communities, you – to visit their local libraries and request this book. The more people who request it, the more copies the library will buy. You could totally get rich just through libraries and how great would that be??

  560. I hope Hamlet von Schnitzel is prepared to become the most famous taxidermied mouse in the world. Though that might have already happened through your blog, seeing as I can’t think of any other famous taxidermied mice. EVERYONE will want to buy him cheese and/or movie rolls. That can be overwhelming for a little guy with two skulls.

  561. When the room service guy came up, you should have said, “Oh yeah, I didn’t mean that toilet. I meant the one for Hamlet. Don’t tell me you’re not dead mouse accessible.”

  563. I’m so proud to be your fan and being able to experience this with you! You make me happy! Thank you!

  564. Congrats! I can’t wait to read it, you definitely brighten my day. I have to say that Hamlet in NY mouse looks alive and even a bit like a very small Jack Russell Terrier. Very cute traveling companion.

  566. Just preordered along with a bazillion other people.

    When you get rich, will you PLEASE get a shit pillow, just to tell us how it is?

  568. Maybe some of these publishers need to meet with your therapist. To catch her up on what she needs to know. In fact, maybe at some point they can just fill in for you- so you can work on your book. Could be more efficient.

  569. Wow…I think I may have a crush on you and I am straight. I love your blog, love your writing and have just mentally committed to buying your book. ( I know this is not the same as actually buying your book, and as I am ADD as well, hopefully I won’t forget, but if I see it on the shelves here in Canada…I am FOR SURE gonna buy it) I laugh out loud like a maniac every time I read your blog, which is starting to happen (when I don”t forget) every day. They say it takes 3 mths to form a new habit. I figure your blog is healthier than crack…so new habit it is!!!

  570. I find it ironic that a book attributed to “The Bloggess” does not have an electronic version. And by “ironic,” I mean “irritating,” because I no longer understand what ironic means, thanks to Quentin Tarantino. Kindle version, por favor.

  576. Hot damn! Eleven years, that’s awesome! The only thing I’ve managed to do in the last 11 years is get divorced 3 times…you win!!!

  577. Conga-rats on the book, Girl! I’m saving my pennies to buy copies both for myself and my mom, who thinks the Internets are evil and so has never read your blog – she only hears about it second hand through me, though in spite of my inept descriptions of your posts, she does laugh, esp. about metal chickens.

    And, I hope you get better soon, sweetie – although being in Hawaii on morphine can’t be all that bad, can it?

  578. Am I the only one wondering who will play you when this gets picked up by Hollywood???

  580. I laughed so many times during that single blog post I can’t wait to read the book! Though I do wish it were available for Kindle. Pretty please ask your publishers to make that happen? I’m sure I can find some dead animal to send you as a thank you for making it happen, if that’s what it takes…

  581. wait. It’s Done? The book is DONE? I’m feeling suddenly very suspicious. Or incredulous. Or it could be the really grainy toast I had for breakfast. Can’t wait to read you!

  582. Okay, so I add the book to my wishlist, then Amazon hits me with the “Customers adding this item to their wishlist also viewed…”

    Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

    I knew you guys were my kind of people.

  583. Congratulations, Jenny!
    This is so, so exciting! I can’t wait to get my hands on it. You’re a rockstar.
    P.S. Rich people don’t care if there’s a toilet or not- either way they’re pooping on someone’s hands. It’s a scientific fact.

  585. Holy Shitsnacks, I’m excited! I can’t wait to read it! Congratulations on your awesome achievement!!! Is it April yet?

  587. Congrats on your book – I will absolutely be getting a hard copy.

    I would also be EXTREMELY tempted to get the audio book if you were reading and had Wil Wheaton as the voice of Victor…that’s my Meta dream I just needed to share!

  588. It just occurred to me that even if you hadn’t found the toilet, as long as you have the bathtub, some kleenex and that chic black pooper scooper, you’re good.

  589. Spec-friggin-tacular.

    This? “From the street I assume it looked like I was attending an unpopular disco-orgy.”

    Has me in tears. OMG, tears.

    Is it wrong that I believe that I know you? And I am excited for you in a way that only friends should be? Well, if it is, that’s too damned bad. And what the hell? Hiding a toilet? What if you had resorted to using the ice bucket? I mean, COME ON!

  591. Let’s start with the good news…Congratulations! Really!! So very pleased it’s finally done…of course (this would be the bad news), we have to wait for a blooming long time! So I ask you, how fair is it that you tell us this…only to make us wait! It’s kinda mean, I’ll forgive you once the book is out of course…until then…I’m hiring hitmen! They’ll be rather rubbish, but I’ll feel my point would have made! 🙂

  592. ok SERIOUSLY that is the greatest book cover ever! if you passed by it in a store, it would confuse the hell out of you enough for you to pick it and and say “what the f….?”. you should market it with an attached free depends diaper. anyone reading it who picks it up accidentally has no idea what funny havoc is about to fail their bladders.

  593. Fabulous.

    I stayed at the Wynn in Vegas once, and they also had those weird electronic curtain openers. I spent a better part of an hour annoying the fuck out of my husband with them.

  595. I went to Amazon.co.uk to pre-order (I live in France but Amazon.fr is full of books in French about the existential angst of the people who rioted in 1968 and who have since discovered that they’re rather conventional after all) and the page for LPTNH says that those who have ordered your book have also bought a book called Snuff. Which seems oddly appropriate AND Snuff is written by SIR Terry Pratchett, so you’re good company. But I bet Sir Terry couldn’t come up with Hamlet von Schnitzel, however many Discworlds he writes.

  596. It’s on my list. Also? Imma need you to autograph it. So come to Seattle once you’ve planned your whirlwind tour of book awesomeness signing. Or whatever you decide to call it

  597. I was just going to add it to my Amazon Wish List, but then I thought, what the hell, I’ll go ahead and pre-order it and then forget I ordered it and then on some random day in April I’ll get a surprise package, and that will be awesome. Then I thought no, it won’t really be a surprise, because my husband will see the charge on our checking account and ask me about it, and I’ll panic for a second and think our debit card number was stolen from Zappos again (although usually the Zappos thieves spend all of our money at hotels in Idaho or drug stores in Scotland), but I’ll check my Amazon account and figure out the truth, and so when the package arrives two days later it won’t be a surprise at all. But then I remembered that I spend about $50 on Amazon every week, so my husband no longer asks about those charges, he just brings them up whenever I ask him why he never gets me anything for Valentine’s Day, so it will be a surprise package on some random day in April after-all. So I ordered it. Or I’m about to. Unless my crippling ADD intervenes. Which it already has.

  598. Jen, I was going to make fun of you because you have a boy dead mouse named Harriet. Then I realized that his name is Hamlet, and I felt bad for thinking of making fun of you. Then the IMPORTANT thought/question occurred.

    How do you know he’s a boy mouse? Have you looked at his mouse penis? That’s just wrong. I should call DCS, or whatever the dead rodent equivalent of child protective services is.

  601. I have only recently started reading your blog. Have you blogged Hamlet von Schnitzel’s story before? If so, would you mind posting a link? Please? 🙂

    Thanks!

  604. OMG OMG OMG. All I had to do was read the words ‘Hamlet von Schnitzel’ and I nearly spit out my soda. But, the picture, oh Jenny, the picture is magnificent. I can’t even handle how awesomely awesome that is.

    Seriously, you are my hero.

    Erika

  605. No matter how down Im feeling I can always count on your blog to make me smile. I CANT WAIT for your book. Just pre-ordered it.

  606. Preordering. Now. This totally preempts my preorder of Call of Duty for my husband. He can suck it.

  609. I have had many interesting trips into the city….I embarrassed my boss on several of them. Not once did I carry a dead mouse. (The phone in the bathroom is freaky, though.) Not once did my trip have an ending that would make so many people so freaking happy. I am giddy with anticipation! I heart you Jenny!

  610. My lord you are incredibly awesome. Forget the transient hotel – your blog is a frickin crack house and I’m powerless against its allure. I meant that in the good, addictive way, of course, not the make-you-crazy-and-wind-you-up-dead-or-in-jail way. Obvi. I am a relatively new reader and this is the first I’ve heard of your book. Selfishly, I’m extremely glad I didn’t have to wait 11 years for it. One year is long enough. And the cover is stupendous. xxxx

  612. Damn it! Why isn’t this book going to be available for Christmas? I’ve been looking everywhere for that special something that says “I love you so much I could shit” for my wife for Christmas. When will it be available? In time for Valentine’s Day? Saint Patricks’s Day? Easter? Fourth of July? Geez oh man, I really need to know so I know what holiday to get it for!!!!

  613. He looks a little like our rat but she is alove and well and does not wear a cape. Seriously congrats! (on the book, not to dead mouse…that would be weird, right?)

  614. I can’t believe we have to wait a whole fucking year to read this!!! Surely there is something I can do for you to receive an advanced copy. A mustache ride, perhaps? Not that I have a mustache. But I’m offering up the husband. He doesn’t have a mustache either. But I’ll make him grow one. He is going to be SO! EXCITED!

  615. Congratulations! I totally love the book cover!And I’m definitely getting a copy of this book! Thanks a lot for sharing! Anyway, very nice and funny hotel story. 🙂

  616. I needed this post. Oh, how I needed it. I haven’t laughed in days. Thank you. And congratulations!!

  618. I’m sorry if someone has already pointed this out – but right now you are in the top 100 on Amazon’s best seller list. Which is pretty damn kick-ass for a book that you can’t even get until *April.* http://www.amazon.com/best-sellers-books-Amazon/zgbs/books#5

    You don’t know me at all, I’ve never commented, but I just want you to know how amazingly happy I am for you.

  619. I’m sorry if someone has already pointed this out – but right now you are in the top 100 on Amazon’s best seller list. Which is pretty damn kick-ass for a book that you can’t even get until *April.* http://www.amazon.com/best-sellers-books-Amazon/zgbs/books#5

    You don’t know me at all, I’ve never commented, but I just want you to know how amazingly happy I am for you.

  620. Will be placing my pre order today. can not wait to read it. Hell I could barely read this post because I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. My husband keeps looking at me and shaking his head. (He thinks I am crazy cause I talk to myself all the time anyway, so my laughing out loud should not be a big surprise to him). Headed to break into my bank now…

  621. I appreciate the hidden toilet…because no one wants to think of unpleasantries whilst they lay their head on poo pillows…also, the whole bring–a-dead-rodent-on-the-plane thing probably totally distracted that guy next to you from his 9-11 flight fears concerning terrorists. Well done.

  622. Made the somewhat colossal, two-headed-beast-like mistake of reading this post while drinking water at work on an exceedingly quiet day. I should win an award or something- I didn’t even wet myself.
    Can’t wait for the book, Jenny! Congratulations on overcoming the perilous lure of dead kittens, and thanks for giving me laugh-pee on the regular.

  623. I’ve asked Santa to preorder this for me. Sadly I still believe. (In Santa) I’m excited to count the number of times the following appear in the book (unless of course you already have a count and can just tell me): holy shitsnacks, yeehaw motherfuckers, douch canoe, this just happened, and these things are related.
    Congrats!!

  624. Just stumbled on your blog via a Pinterest post. The title and your sweet mouse caught my eye which is how I choose books (working so far). I loved your blog post and your writing style along with your honesty and the courage you have to be yourself. How refreshing!!! I can’t wait to read your archives and the book! Congratulations for sticking to your passion and allowing your gift to be shared with this quirky world : )

  625. Thank you! You are hysterical, amazing, and a borderline genius. I am genuinely thankful for people who choose to share their gifts – whatever they may be – with the rest of us….like you do. I hope you know how appreciated you are!

  626. Awesome. Not only do I know what to put on my Christmas wish list, I now know why Steven King doesn’t write about his vagina!

  628. I’m going to go online and buy your book right now! I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a memoir, and I’m looking for writers I admire/enjoy to learn from. Any recommendations for authors who inspire you or advice you can pass along, I would love!!!

  630. >>> Then my seat-mate stared at the mouse skull in Hamlet’s tiny mouse paw

    Alas, poor Mousic…

  631. Pre-ordered, and now I just have the LONG wait until it comes out in April. But the cool thing about that is that I’ll probably forget it’s coming, and then it will be like a wonderful surprise gift when it shows up!

  633. Wow – I think every single one of your readers posted here – anyway – thanks for making my Christmas shopping easier – I now know what to get people for Xmas. Also – from the photo you posted of the hotel bathroom – it looked like the phone could receive faxes printed out on the toilet paper? If so that could be totally awesome…..

  634. Oh my sweet lord. You are going to get me fired. Humans are not supposed to laugh so hard they cry like this at work. You’re so funny I don’t even know what kind of punctuation I’m supposed to use in commenting…

  635. Well, I TRIED to pre-order via Indie, but their site insists your book doesn’t exist…not even in the future. I’ll try again another time…

  639. Jenny, in good conscience, I cannot buy your book because your dead mouse sexually harassed me in the late 70s when I was working at Disneyland. Oh, what the heck…

  641. you know, if you go to Amazon it says that people who buy your book also buy the new Kindle Fire. You must be pretty popular because people have been lining up to buy the Kindle Fire, but maybe they were lining up to pre-order your book? We are fully expecting you to be in full costume the day it’s released. And we’ll all wear costumes too. Like when Harry Potter came out and everyone dressed up like Snape and Dumbledore. Except we’ll all carry around our dead taxidermied animals. Or maybe just dried up poop because someone stole your dead stuffed animal. But it’s not really dried up poop, it’s just raisins. Which means everyone will call you ‘poopeater’ which of course you can tell them off or just throw the poop at them and then they’ll all run away and you’ll be first in line! See?

  642. Freaking fantastic news – I cannot wait to read it!
    I think the semi-naked victory dance in front of the window was an awesome touch, btw. Show those NYC people a thing or two about getting funky with your bad self.

  643. Utterly completely fucking AWESOME and am so glad I feel comfortable enough to swear in a comment on this bitchin’ cool blog!!!! Totally marked for my “wish list” for the family to buy me… (make them spend their hard earned money on something they’ll totally NEVER “get” but who cares?) Reading your blog makes me feel complete and not so crazy or random. Beautiful crazy wonderful outrageous orgasmic blog post by the way!!!

  644. Did that sex flog happen to have a button near the end with the strap? If so it was a zipper puller. You loop the strap through the zipper, attach it to the button, and pull. It helps all those fine, rich ladies get into their back-zipped party gear when their husbands aren’t around.

    To get out of the dress, however, they have to pick up some guy at the party. This is why rich people never stay married. And why rich ladies are sluts. I may be starting a stereotype, but I so don’t think so.

    Book pre-ordered. I wish the mouse came with every copy, but I’ll just have to make do with all your awesome signature snarky goodness and forget about owning my one true love.

    Oh, and you’re welcome.

  645. Just pre-ordered from Amazon. Free shipping for orders over $25, so I ordered three. (I’m off work, I can be as accurate as I want to with math).

    Congratulations.

  647. For crying out loud, you’re F-ing in.sane. I laughed through this entire post. Sounds like it’s going to be a real page turner.

  648. I was actually turned on to your blog via a link on Facebook from a girl that I went to school with and actually probably never socialized with…this was during the “Beyonce” post. I cracked up, sent your link to other friends that could “relate” and I check back daily 🙂 With that said…I am a HUGE Jen Lancaster (LOVE LOVE LOVE Bitter is the New Black) fan and thought it was ironic that she was on the front cover of your book! I WILL BE BUYING IT and CONGRATS!!!!

  649. OMG. I thought I loved you, Jenny, I really did. But now I REALLY love you. You are Wayne’s World “WE”RE NOT WORTHY’ funny. PLEASE, Oregon is a nice place to visit. Request to visit Powell’s Bookstore in Portland when your book comes out. We will come.
    Sincerely,
    Lynette (who has lots of dead animals in her freezer, but it’s all really spiritual and shit)

  651. Congrats on your I’m sure to be awesome book!!!! I can’t wait to read it and thank you for sharing those hilarious stories with us.

  653. Jenny,
    Thank you! Your blog just enlightened me. Now I know what’s wrong with me!
    However, now I have to learn kitten math. The real stuff was hard enough…

  654. No, seriously…..a phone with you name on it? Spectacular. And please tell me you’re not serious about it REALLY being a dead mouse. Yuck.

  655. Wow, comment love REALLY screwed up that link on my last post – it combined two posts from two different blogs. Now that’s impressive!

  657. So. Where we are at is that after starting NaNoWriMo this month it turns out I DON’T have 30 days to write a book, I actually have a decade (ish) to get it done.

    The site could be NaNoWriDe – which is kind of cool in a “write 2000 words a day for the rest of the fucking decade” kind of way.

    On second thoughts. No. Mine = dumb idea.

    LOVE the book cover – hoping for kindle, likelihood of it making the middle east bookstands. Zip. OR I can have it mailed to my home in Australia, and read it if ever I get back… so I’ll send a report 2021… making it NaNoReDe which is cooler, cause I made it a review.

    I’ll go now.

  659. Hello! I want to pre-order but there is no kindle version. I cannot be buying an actual book as I need space to walk down the halls in my house and have made the concession to the anti-hording establishment by accepting a kindle from my husband, Lulu (don’t ask) and solemnly promised not to buy another damn book (unless it is predominantly pictures–like Art or Photography or Dr. Seuss) so that we do not have to rent another storage space. Will there be a kindle version offered? Or will I have to “store” a real book version under the seat of my car?

  661. This book just beat out my excitement for my Kings of Leon documentary. I know you don’t know me… but trust me when I say the world should explode now from my admitting that.

    Was that a tremor?

  663. YOUR EVIL TWIN
    I just found your blog over the weekend and I am positive that I am your evil twin. My daughter (your evil neice) was the first to notice. When I sent her the link to your awesome cobra taxidermy, she thought that I had written it and was going to surprise her with the fantastic piece. Boy was she pissed when she figured out you are real, not her mom and she’s not getting a cobra eating a honey badger or vice versa. Upon further investigation (blog reading, stalking, whatever…) I’ve found that we have the same birthday. AND live in Texas (I think you must live near my mom). AND are funny, smart, and just a little bit dark.
    Perhaps we should keep in touch, incase one of us needs a kidney someday?
    Kisses,
    Kris

  666. For the record, from Amazon.com:

    “Customers buy this book with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (+ UltraViolet Digital Copy) ~ Daniel Radcliffe DVD $13.99 “

  668. Holy fuck socks! I can’t get through one of these blog posts without hurting myself laughing, let alone a whole book. But I will be brave and try anyway.

  669. No joke, my boyfriend has the same buttons/light switches at his house. Except that they’re not labeled. I’m pretty sure one of them is a “Self-Destruct” button.

  670. Congratulations on the book — I’m really looking forward to it.

    Also congratulations on having found the toilet, and for not stealing the phone. Each important accomplishments, in their own way.

    I do think the leather sex flog thingy might be a shoe horn, but one for people with bad backs so they don’t have to bend over. But it’s always a good thing to be able to find multiple/unconventional uses for every day items. Congratulations for that, too.

    p.s. I never trust rich people. But I don’t know any, so that’s probably not relevant. Or fair. Just sayin’.

  671. Even after 600+ comments of congratulations and several days later, I still feel compelled to throw my verbose congratulations onto the pile. I love your mouse, and I love you. Somehow this post made me tear up a little. Damn you, woman.

  672. You ROCK, Jenny! Congrats on the book. The dead mouse is holding up well, don’t ya think? I totally love what you do and thanks so much for the laughs!!

    Renee

  673. This is officially on my Christmas list, even though it doesn’t come out until next year. I’m totally fine with getting a slip of paper wrapped inside a box that says the book is on it’s way.

  674. Spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to pre-order for my kindle….. WTF? It’s not going to be available on kindle? Call someone and make this happen!!!

  675. Even though my wife says were going to buy a copy I put in a request for purchase @ my local library so we’re not the only ones that get to enjoy it.

  676. The cover is a work of art, and I hope the sequel has a bowl of monkey hands on the cover.

    Can’t wait to read it!

  677. I rarely ever buy hard back books(unless they are on clearance), but for this book I will be making an exception. I really wish your book was out before Xmas. I would have bought at least 6 as gifts.

    I love your humor and have been following you since Beyonce went viral. That metal chicken is going to seriously increase your book sales.

  678. Brilliant! Particularly love the bucket. I immediately got images of King Henry the whatever having someone wipe his arse for him. Seriously. He had someone for that.

  679. You should have just called that phone to find the toilet. Also, who the hell would even TOUCH that bathroom phone that you KNOW some guy used while he was, you know, and not washing his hands, the whole thing makes me sicker than carrying a dead mouse. You could have gotten a perfectlly good dead mouse in New York!

  682. I have to say! I have not laughed this hard in a long time over a blog post! I can’t wait to read it!

  683. hoooo boy.. Thank you so much for the wonderfully entertaining post.. This is really priceless and certainly makes me want to get your book so I can see what all the hub bub regarding your vagina is all about, seriously..

    FYI.. listen to Linda.. that phone is a wash with germs, have they not thought of the fact that flushing causes fecal matter to aerosol fine particulate matter everywhere. gakkk.. I am glad you traveled with your own personal mouse complete with his own outfit, so jealous of that btw..

  688. Yay for book time! Can’t wait to read it. And, I won’t be a totally asshole and just read it in the bookstore. I will purchase it and read it while I call off sick from work. I won’t be sick.

  689. Holy crap this post was a hilarious. I am not a big fan of “LOL” because people use it when they are not in fact really laughing out loud, but I totally was LOLing while reading practically this entire post! Awesome. Also, book cover = adorable!

  690. I’m so excited to read your book! I can tell it’s quality because a mouse graces the cover. And also he’s dressed fancy which makes it extra impressive. And furthermore he’s deceased yet not creepy. All selling points, I can assure you.

    Also, just in case you ever have the need in the future, I aced AP Kitten Algebra in high school. They tell you that you’ll never use it in real life, but you do.

    You totally do.

  692. I love having unpopular naked – dancing – orgies. My older child is getting old enough that he doesn’t think it’s that cool anymore. Oh well.
    Congrats on this big, big BIG deal. Julia Roberts would be proud.
    Maybe the publishers can write into your contract something about a telephone with your name emblazoned on it. Instead of a big advance, you know.
    🙂 Piper

  695. Congratulations! I cannot wait to read this. You are a talented, funny, and beautiful person. You deserve this and every success!

    Dee

  697. This made my day – reading this to my wife (while she was drinking a glass of water) made water shoot out her nose. I’ve now promised never to read her your posts while she’s eating or drinking.

  698. I swear if the economy starts looking up for us by the time the book is released, I’ll definitely buy it. If not, I’ll be lobbying for the local library to get a hold of it…good news is, there have been plenty of books I’ve checked out from the library that I loved so much I ended up buying (before the economy went wayyyy south, of course). Even though publishers try to act like they’re losing money by allowing a book to go into the stacks, it’s actually great advertisement, which I’m sure they know. Thanks for this book in advance, I’m sure it’ll be delicious;^)

  699. I blog about my vagina a lot. I think my vagina blogs about me a lot, too, but it’s better at social networking than I am.

  700. Do you realize that your book and your haunted dollhouse are the same vintage? Just sayin’.

  703. Great story. Myself from the south, I would have been just as confused on all the gadgets in this hotel. Roflol!!!! Definitely ordering this book.

  704. Wow, this is freaking amazing! Congratulations! I will totally be pre-ordering your book, although I have to be honest, I will probably rip off the cover,or maybe tape a picture of myself on the cover, because A. Mice are icky, and B. I’m kinda yummy…so yeah, congrats!

  705. I think I just hurt myself laughing. seriously. I was doing fine until the curtain buttons were hit. Congratulations on the book! Looking forward to reading it, but I will stock up on a helmet, ventolin, and various sofa/bed/underwear moisture protection devices. I should be ready by the time it is published 😀

  706. Congratulations in such a major way!! This is just awesome and I put in my Pre-Order!! I CAN NOT wait for it to be a Best Seller!! I am so sick of seeing Chelsea Handler on my E-Reader all of the time, I would much prefer to see your book cover on there!!

  707. Congrats on the book. I will buy it. Really. It’s the least I can do after stealing so much of your stuff.

  708. Ok, so I pre-ordered the book, but what if I’d love to have it autographed? I live in Sweden so I doubt you’ll be taking any book tours this way. I’d love to have it personally Jennified, but I’m just looking forward to reading it either way!

  709. This is Fan. Freakin. Tastic!!! I just recently discovered your blog, and for the first time ever, I’m totally addicted. I love your twisted humor, I feel I’ve found my warped kindred spirit. OH! And thanks for confirming Stephen King has a vagina….I’ve been suspicious for some time now!! When next year does your book come out?

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  714. You know everything you do and say I emulate because you’re my hero right? Luckily for me, I live in Australia so half the weird shit you do doesn’t seem so weird down here.
    STEP IT UP A NOTCH LADY!
    Wishing you all the success in the world and then some! xx

  717. That’s just the most adorable book cover and title ever! I cant wait to get my hands on that one.
    I just dropped by your blog since I saw it in my blogroll of my friend. You have a very creative and funny way of wrting I love it! 🙂

  718. Pre-ordering…..done 🙂

    Congratulations on finally getting it finished!! Can’t wait until it’s out in April!

  719. This comes out 13 days before my birthday. Coincidence? Think again. The universe is just making sure I have the best birthday ever!

  721. So here I sit- in absolute envy of a pillow menu. I can’t fucking believe that is a real thing. I didn’t even know there were enough types of pillows to MAKE a menu. Oh, the jealousy! So- when you are blogging about this shit- are you laughing hysterically? Just have to make that mental picture….

  723. Hi Jenny, I stumbled across your blog by my computer having a meltdown and the mouse went haywire and started opening pages and suddenly YOUR page was up – YAY. christ you are one funny lady, i have sat here while the kids are loose in the house and have read dozens of posts instead of making them food and just letting them watch bloody Toy Story for the gazillionth time! I was bummed out that I have 124 days to wait for your book, hot dam, i can’t wait to get my greedy lil hands on it so am (im)patiently waiting for it now! I love nothing more than laughing out loud while I’m reading a book, I love the strange looks I get from my new husband when this happens! So yes, just wanted to say hi really. ps, i think Hamlet is wicked, very cool to have him on the cover of your book, eye catching for sure! Cheers, Fe

  724. I tried to pre-order on Amazon but became, more than mildly, perplexed to see that “Customers buy this book with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”….I’m not entirely sure that I can be ok with that. I’ll give it another shot in a couple days just to make sure that more people, over the age of 13, are pre-ordering your book. Not that it’s imperative that I receive that type of validation but it would sit better with me to be classified amongst abnormal adults as opposed to abnormal teens.

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  726. Hahahhahaha I know this is from awhile back now but I randomly read it right now and started laughing by myself/getting really jealous because I’ve never been in a hotel that nice but I don’t think I’d like that toilet situation because I don’t want a toilet behind frosted glass I want it behind a solid soundproof smellproof door.

  727. I was looking through older posts and found this one so funny, I had to send it to my mom.

    If she doesn’t find it as funny, I’ll be looking for a new mom.

  728. Just clicked over to preorder your book, and love that items customers buy after viewing your book are “Amazon Gift Cards” and Monopoly. Really, Monopoly?

    Anyways, can’t wait to read it. Your book, not… Monopoly.

  729. i was going to wait and buy your book secondhand, save some money. but then i read this, and i’m going to pre-order it now. you deserve all my money.

  730. Ok, I know this is not the appropriate address to send a product
    request, but I’v only had one cup of coffee and can’t find the right
    one-work with me here. I MUST have a Juanita poster 8×10 or 11×13 ish
    would be great!! You see, my kids, much to the distain of my dear
    husband have conned me into purchasing two weasels for pets. I NEED
    the Juanita in the apron poster to frame for my kitchen. I love the
    souffle ruined one but must have it without the MFBomb (or any other
    profanity). PLEASE HELP! The sooner I get it and place it on the wall
    while my husband is at work the better!!!

    Christine

  731. I was killing time in a Target store the other week and I happened upon your book. Intrigued by the title, I opened it to a random page and you were talking about your arm beomg caught in a cow’s cunt!. Horrified I immediately put the book down and tried in vain to purge the image from my brain. Now that I’ve recovered (somewhat) from the trauma I have to ask: 1) what in tarnation were doing fisting a cow in tand 2) aren’t there laws against this kind of thing?

    Enquiring minds want to know.

  733. My sister, who rarely reads for pleasure, suggested your book to me. Since she rarely reads, I thought your book must be worth the trouble. Plus, I am now able to throw into her face that I listened to her suggestion when she has never read any of the books I have suggested to her, making me the better person. Her highest recommendation was that you reminded her so much of me, but in a funny way that she had snorted in public on a plane and she had only been embarrassed for a second. Other than the facts that I’m not nearly as skilled at storytelling (my adherence to straight facts gets in the way), our dad buried his crazy more than yours, and the constant moves (Marine BRAT) gave me an irrational and totally unreal belief that I could finally fit in this time causing me to delay that acceptance of myself until my late 20’s, I have to agree with her. My sister says she understands me a lot better now.

    Other than that, your book, which I am only a third of the way through, is hilarious, well written, and says the things I’ve always wanted to say bit couldn’t quite express. Thank you. While I learned to revel in the fact that I am weird and my husband is probably the only person in existence who will ever fully appreciate my weirdness, it is nice to know that I may be wrong.

  735. I just finished your book beleave it or not it was recomended to me by a pastor (female) not that it makes a fucking diffrence. In some things I can relate some of your experiances and more directly your anxiety levels, Yes I am on meds. But this book helped me to look at the humerious side of things, and try no to take life so seriously. I have a VERY BIG PROBLEM WITH THIS. Your story telling and imaganitonn Is fantactic. The OD on Exlax realy had me laughing out loud, even now when I think of makes me laugh. Please write another book. Please excuse the spelling ( one of my problems) I can’t spell or type worth a damn Peace and Happiness Pat

  739. This is seriously one of the funniest blogs I have ever read!! I really needed a laugh in the middle of a big struggle with my severly ADD son!! Thank you!! Need to read your book!

  740. Jenny, your book is such a favourite of mine. I have thee book, the soft cover & I’ve given away 3 other copies. Keep it up, I’ll keep buying.

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  744. I would like to have a copy of your book. I would like you to enscribe it “Knock Knock You Knucklehead Motherfucker” If you sent it to me it would be as cool as when I almost electrocuted myself when I took a screwdriver with the ends of an extension cord and was shocking night crawlers out of the ground.Merry Christmas – Happy Holidays – Merry Nothing If You Are Atheist. Peace Be With You. Like Your Blog BTW Do you need my address to send the book. Anything with mice are great. My cat Ponchito “Moondog” Morris caught 6 of them on my houseboat I live on, I was able to get 5 of them away from him. One went to Mouse Heaven….

  748. Taking too much time like this to write a book is an evidence that you have really structured it in such a way that even blind people can read and understand.
    Great job!

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