On the way home from our vacation/hospital-stay, Victor and I ended up traveling with a very well-meaning man who wouldn’t stop talking about how God put me in the hospital on purpose because apparently He hates me.
Stranger: Well, God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.
Victor: Well that explains why our electric bill was so high. Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is.
Stranger: That’s...not what that phrase means.
me: I bet Jesus has to deal with this shit all the time. God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out. That sort of thing.
Victor: Right? And then Jesus would be like “Dad. STOP LEAVING ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?”
Religious stranger: *stunned silence*
me: And then God would point out that Jesus actually WAS born in a barn. BURN, Jesus.
Victor: And then God would be like, “Look, I DON’T CLOSE A DOOR WITHOUT OPENING A WINDOW. IT’S WHAT I DO. IT’S IN THE CHARTER.”
Religious person: Wow. You guys have…really thought this out.
me: No, not really.