God and Jesus. It’s like when your parents get on Facebook.

in conversations, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

On the way home from our vacation/hospital-stay, Victor and I ended up traveling with a very well-meaning man who wouldn’t stop talking about how God put me in the hospital on purpose because apparently He hates me.

Stranger: Well, God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.

Victor:  Well that explains why our electric bill was so high.  Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is.

Stranger:  That’s...not what that phrase means.

me:  I bet Jesus has to deal with this shit all the time.  God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out.  That sort of thing.

Victor:  Right?  And then Jesus would be like “Dad.  STOP LEAVING ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?”

Religious stranger:  *stunned silence*

me:  And then God would point out that Jesus actually WAS born in a barn.  BURN, Jesus.

Victor: And then God would be like, “Look, I DON’T CLOSE A DOOR WITHOUT OPENING A WINDOW.  IT’S  WHAT I DO.  IT’S IN THE CHARTER.”

Religious person:  Wow.  You guys have…really thought this out.

me:  No, not really.

467 thoughts on “God and Jesus. It’s like when your parents get on Facebook.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. And…..that just made me fall out of my chair laughing. It’s better than when a religious person accosts me outside of walmart and asks if I’ve found Jesus. I always looked panicked and whisper “You lost him? Have you checked under the sofa?”

  5. Oh, this dude is praying for your lost souls right now as I type this. I bet he thinks the Apocalypse is nigh.

    You both did the right thing.

  7. I can’t believe I am the first person to comment on this. I know this won’t win me any brownie points, but I think Viktor deserves some for being on board with this one. Ordinarily he wouldn’t have brought much to the table (except frustration) so way to be with the ball, Viktor!

  10. And then the holy spirit was all like: “Hey, Jesus, how’re you hangin’ – oh, sorry… too soon?”

  14. I laughed my fucking ass off. Also, I woulda been unable to stop that convo when you did. My husband and I have had a few discussions just like this with religious strangers.

  17. I’m loving Victor’s role in this conversation. Also, because of your use of all caps, he has the same imaginary voice I have made for you in my head.

  19. I love the idea that you and Victor sit around developing riffs on commonly used but and unhelpful phrases so then when somebody lays one on you you guys just GO. TO. TOWN.

    You may claim that’s not what happened, but in my head it totally did.

  22. I’d be happy to have him work on my house… The last Jewish carpenter I hired inseminated my girlfriend, so honestly ANYTHING is an improvement over that.

  24. I laughed so hard, I launched an easter egg sprinkle out my nose.

    Yes. I’m eating easter egg sprinkles on my ice cream, in November. What of it?

  25. You know, I kind of want Christmas cards with some elaboration the “born in a barn” line on them. But then I’d mail them out and half of my friends and family wouldn’t talk to me anymore. 😛

    One of my friends was at a shopping area down in Kansas City when he was accosted by a street evangelist, which is pretty common down there. Said evangelist was shouting at him, “do you KNOW where you are going when you DIE?!” (emphasis his, not mine.)
    Chris, who is a very soft-spoken, unassuming gentleman, turns around, and says, just loud enough for the evangelist to hear, “um… Pittsburgh, I think.”

    Definitely my response of choice now.

  28. Was this stranger wearing a Tebow “Jesus” jersey while Tebowing and giving you advice about your killer ovary?
    Hey, Jesus stranger, mind yer b’niss. Until you have a killer ovary, you are decidedly unqualified to speculate on the nature of God’s intention with the whole thing.

  29. I wanna ride home with you and Victor. That religious dude had no idea how lucky he was. Figures.

  31. I love you and I love Victor. And I wish all religious people could be stunned into silence…permanently. Can you two work on that?

    PS: Glad you’re feeling better. Hugs from San Francisco.

  32. I know that God never closes a door without opening a window, but I live on the ninth floor. I don’t know what’s he’s trying to tell me.

  34. You and Victor are awesome. I’m in awe, because Victor instigated this. Yay, Victor!

  36. I’m putting my money on God having a sense of humor. You and Victor are definitely going to heaven…and becoming angels…who will then look down on the rest of us…from the sky’s…tormenting us…forever!

    I think that was a haiku I just wrote, no?

    Oh…too many syllables? Damn.

  37. Can you imagine the poor religious stranger’s conversation when he got home that night about the two crazies he met who wouldn’t stop talking about the window and the door?

  38. You and Victor are the best couple…EVER!!!! I only hope someday to find my own Victor 🙂

    p.s. thanks for once again making me laugh following a really shitty day!

  39. You would have a freaking field day in North Carolina. Specifically Gastonia. That is not a stomach disease, it only plays one on the TayVay.

  41. My mom always used the line ‘were you born in a barn?’, and when I was about 15 I realized I could say ‘Nope, but Jesus was.’ This was a revelation to me. My mother didn’t find it quite as amusing.

  42. Dammit. I just asked twitter the other day for a vacation/hospital stay and no one answered. I guess because you were there without me.

  43. I love this so hard. Especially when it was Victor that started it all! Is it bad of me that I hope the religious guy never hears that phrase again without thinking of you guys?!

  46. I totally just laughed so hard that I snorted. That is by far the best, you guyes a make a good team 🙂

  47. If they ever find a way to make more Victors…I will put in an order. For at least 4 of him. Not all for me of course, I have friends who need one too…

    Thanks for the laugh!!

  48. This makes me furiously happy!!! Any similar conversations when the LDS come knocking on your door?

  49. Ah man I NEVER get interesting crazy people accosting me any more. Delawarians just don’t bring the crazy apparently. You guys have all the fun *mope*

  51. Victor started it
    …wait…
    VICTOR STARTED IT?!
    Awww – You must just fall in love with him all over again when he makes such insightful (inciteful perhaps) comments to strangers…

  52. WAIT WHAT?! He’s opening the windows to let out the AC and Jesus’ cat!?

    I thought he was doing it so we could jump out of it!

    Now I’m confused, although it would explain why my bedroom is always the coldest in the house no matter what. (clearly he’s opening it when I’m sleeping or not there)

  54. “It’s the in the Charter.” Priceless. You’ll never know how much I needed a laugh today. Awesomely hilarious. Thank you.

  56. You and Victor are probably going to hell, but I promise to smuggle you both ice water. This story reminds me of that time I was um tipsy and watching The Bachelor the season of the whole Vienna thing and I decided I was going to go to the hotel they were at (one of them) in St. Lucia. So I booked the flight and went. I ended up in Vienna’s room, as the employees told me. Anyway, I went by myself which was troublesome to the maids who were very Christian and wanted to find me a man. I think they are still praying. Clearly God’s plan for my life does not include a man. Dammit.

  58. I say totally makes sense…however, I’m not so sure a little alcohol wouldn’t help him…

  60. Jenny, next time the street preachers pay me a visit, can I have you and Victor over to talk to them?

    ~EdT.

  62. And sadly I bet that religious guy didn’t learn that he should keep his religious crap to himself. they never do.

  67. So funny! One of my favorite expressions is “when God closes a door, he also breaks a window.”

  68. Some of those nut jobs live in Bizarroland for sure and try to take everyone else there too. Next time just tell him you’re out on a mission to collect souls for Satan. That should have him changing seats in no time.

  69. Stop right here for a second darlin’ I think, I truly think that Victor HAS a great sense of humor. Hmmm, wasn’t expecting that. Jenny, have you been withholding information?

  73. We have an elderly customer at work who ends every conversation by asking “Have you talked to Jesus?” None of us have but to save an hour on the phone, we all just say yes. He got me good one day. I was waiting for him to ask if I had spoken to Jesus and instead he said “I talked to someone today who really likes you guys.” I asked him who it was. Since we work in sales I expected him to say it was a mutual customer or friend. Instead he said “Jesus!” OK, he got me good. Touche old man. Touche…..

  76. I’m soooo sharing this with my “Victor” so maybe he’ll help me with the next irritating religious buffon we encounter. Especially priceless on a plane. did you get a bonus round with his wife at the baggage carousel? Or on the bus to the parking lot?

    I’m going to work thisbin with my husband’s moron Jehovah cousin next time I see her…..should make for a helluva exciting family dinner! Add booze and anti-depressants and now it’s a party!!!

  77. Were you actually talking to him, or did he horn in on your conversation after eavesdropping?

    Also, what is God’s deal? Is he obsessed with fresh air? Is he claustrophobic? Or does he just like opening and closing things? God has some form of OCD, it seems. Next time, I think I’d mention the amount of windows on a plane and His proclivity for opening things. Then note how far from the emergency exit you are.

  78. Oh My Gosh, I am dieing laughing at #10s comment. Well, actually all of them as usual but his just did me in. You and Victor are awesome!

  79. After some of the posts I’ve read, I was beginning to wonder if Victor had a sense of humor. I mean, it didn’t seem likely that someone as “furiously happy” as yourself would have married someone without a sense of humor, but hey, given that there’s is a mongoose-cobra-death-match piece of taxidermy in the world, stranger things have, in fact, happened. This exchange, however, shows how great you guys work together as a team. Clearly, you wouldn’t have stayed married through all the crap you’ve had to deal with were that not the case. Kudos to y’all on your freakishly functional marriage.

    Also, OMGROFLMAO!!! You guys managed to flabbergast and confuse a religious nerd! You win The Internets!

  80. Love this! Sound just like when my wife and I get going…”Jesus, Jesus…that poor boy. If they just had the right medication he wouldn’t have had those hallucinations and gotten all self-destructive. Could have worked for his Dad’s carpentry shop.”. We get the same looks.

  82. Reminds me of the time when I was a teenager that this old woman asked me to make her a sandwich on Fellatio bread. Only with more guilt, probably. And less crying.

  83. Just today, my 8yo son started explaining to me that it didn’t snow because God has a vicious sense of humor, it snowed because God was crying and the tears turned into snowflakes. I turned to him and in my most serious voice demanded “What did you do to make God cry??” 😀

  89. So, I actually believe in God AND Jesus.

    1) I say ‘shit’ all the time. If that’s what’s going to get me sent to hell, well, oops.
    2) This is funny. God has a sense of humor. I mean, look around. He HAS to.
    3) I would have LOVED to have been sitting next to you guys and said, “I wonder if heaven is drafty?”

  90. Yes!! YESSSS!! I knew Victor was the right man for you!!! I knew he couldn’t just sigh and shake his head all of the time! WAY TO STEP UP VICTOR!!!! It is exactly times likes these when you realize whether or not someone is a soul mate.

    This might be my favorite of all your posts…

  94. This is exactly like the conversations that I crack up at and make my husband very uncomfortable…mostly because he finds them funny too, but isn’t allowed to admit it!

  95. This has got to be the best thing I’ve seen on the net in weeks!
    You are my hero! I can’t beleive I didn’t discover you sooner!

  98. One time a stranger in a truck stop told me and my husband that God was okay with us moving in together even though we weren’t married because we were engaged. I told him that I was glad that God’s Xanax had kicked in. Evidently you’re not supposed to imply that God is on anxiety meds. It was awkward.

  100. I’m now in the midst of a coughing fit because I’m laughing so hard– maybe God is opening the infectious disease window?

    In all seriousness, my husband is a Christian studies major, he knows all about this stuff, and he says there are easier ways that God could have kept you off that helicopter. Like delaying your flight, or a sudden fear of heights, or reminding you that you don’t actually like flying. My husband’s pretty smart when he wants to be. Plus, one of us has to be serious.

  101. You are the queen of the quick response and I salute you. I wish my quips were as entertaining as yours.

  103. totally off topic…but who is Will Wheaton? is he famous for collating? did he make collating famous? WHY IS STACKING PAPERS SO AWESOME? sorry. hormone flux.

    i love the banter between you and your husband. banter is my gold standard for whether a guy stands a chance with me.

    p.s. maybe it’s me…but most guys are totally inadequate in the..you know…banter department. you are soooo lucky.

  107. p.s.s
    hormones have calmed down. i re-read the Will Wheaton collating-paper-thing. Hilarious. Collating paper just became my new favorite sport.

  111. Yes! I love how much you make me laugh every week. I always just look at the nuts funny and say “We’re Catholic.” They don’t even attempt to talk to us after that.

  113. The sign of a good partnership/marriage is the ability to feed off each other and totally mindf**k strangers. Love it! respect!

  117. Omigosh! Now I’m anxiously looking for someone to share this post with. Someone who’ll laugh and not be offended…because I’m totally surrounded by that man’s kin.

  120. So I just got fired from my job unexpectedly, without explanation. Everyone keeps quoting this to me..I love this response!

  121. As an extremely irreverent Christian, I happen to think that God probably thinks you’re HILARIOUS! Seriously. I spit out my water I was laughing so hard.

  122. Ok, I am helpless on the floor laughing so hard. And I am a pastor who HATES that maxim, something so incredibly stupid that Jesus and God run from it (out the window?) when they hear it!!!

    Good for you!

  124. Then when the Holy Spirit flies out the open window, they have to open all the windows so that it doesn’t break its neck trying to get back in through a closed one and so they might as well not even have the A/C on at that point, and God and Jesus are like, “Thanks, Holy Spirit. Now Heaven is just like Hell, only indoors where it won’t even cool off at night. Jerk.”

  128. So, I went to a Potluck at my friend’s house tonight and ate of a plate with a.picture of Jesus on it. Then I come here and see this. I guess its a Jesus kind of day.

  129. A distant cousin of mine got into a bad car accident, and one of my relatives was giving updates on Facebook. Someone posted that God made her have that accident so she could testify to his glory in sparing her. WTF? Why would you worship such a sadistic Deity?

    I absolutely love this conversation. I wish I’d said something so clever and awesome to the lady on Facebook.

  130. Can you and Victor have a conversation with some Jehovah Witness solicitors and write about it so that the next time they come knocking I will know how to get rid of them for good? The fact that my hubby will in all likelihood be at work and I will actually be saying both parts just might make it all the more effective. Seriously I need all the help I can get, setting the 6 dogs on them hasn’t worked. Granted they are Golden Retrievers and usually just try lick them to death but gee most times I can’t even stand the slobber and jumping so these guys are like saints are something?!!!

  131. Um…what door, exactly, did God close? The one that keeps your ovaries from trying to kill you?

  133. This is why man and woman were meant to be together! Literally LOL! Amen to y’all!

  134. My favorite conversation post. So far. “Were you born in a barn” definitely belongs on a Christmas card.

    Thank you for my virtual trip to Hawaii, I’d never been before. It was awesome.

  135. And Mary would be all, “You guys can yell at each other until you’re blue in the face, KILL each other for all I care. Just keep me out of it.” *takes a long drink of her wine followed by a drag from her cigarette.*

  136. *Christian* LOVED it! Ha! Also, totally going to use the whole “You’ve lost him? Did you look under the sofa?”

  139. Every time I hear that bit about God never closing a door without opening a window, I can’t help but think that in all the artistic representations I’ve seen of Heaven, there are never any doors or windows.

  140. I totally love you. I wish I had a better thing to say than that.

    Also, I love the people who comment here.

  141. I just found you and I love you. You remind me of my daughters. I have spread the word in my limited world about you.

  142. I have no tolerance for patient religious people.

    It just is no fun when they are patient and think YOU are the crazy one.

    Even though you are. As am I…

    I seem to DRAW these people to me. I should start wearing a badge that says

    APATHETIC HUMANIST, LEAVE ME ALONE.

    GO OPEN A WINDOW.

    _________________

  143. I hate it when people keep saying everything that happens to you (good or bad) is for a purpose. (Keep in mind, I’m Catholic) What happened to God giving us free will? It’s like people skim over a certain part of the Bible. Speaking of which, I had no idea that Jesus had a cat. XD I’m such a bad Catholic for not knowing that.

  145. Oh thank god, you successfully nullified one more idiot that starts preaching to strangers when they are held captive in planes.

    Bless you 😉

  146. I am laughing SO HARD and getting ready to call my bff to make sure she has read this too! Holy Hell, that is the best religious conversation EVER!

    I love you.

  148. Creepy Religious people like that give creepy religious people like me a bad name!!!!

  149. not all religious people say stupid shit like that…SOME religious people–even the preacher kind–read the bloggess and think she’s badass. and are sorry that she was in the hospital, but don’t think that God put her there. for punishment or otherwise.
    glad you are better!

  150. Best response to snarky religious sayings. Second best? My GQ slow dance partner telling the uptight ubuer religious proctor that the Holy spirit didn’t need any room between us because the HS has no form.

  151. I really appreciate reading that Victor, in fact, occasionally joins in your hijinks! It must be lovely when he does.

    And really, the Religious Person could have taken it less well.

  153. These are the type of people who almost pushed me out of my church. But as if to say “stand by for demonstration of My sense of Humor” Jesus just pushed this Bloggess fan into going back.

  155. I think what I find the funniest about each article you write is everything you talk about, I see myself doing as well – totally meant in the most non-creepy way possible. I am unable to put into words how alike what you talk about and the way you talk/write is similar to me.

    Except for the thing about the missing snake. I’m not sure I would have thought to pull that off. Maybe it’s just the stuff you do to Victor to get him going, is very similar to what I put my boyfriend through.

    That, and did I mention my boyfriend’s name is actually Victor. I had him come to your blog to read your post on the conversation about sniffing eyeballs with your Victor in the car. *My* Victor thought this was my “secret” blog (year…right), except he thought I fabricated things for the sake of page hits and humor. I don’t understand why he thinks I would have to do that, when I have him for perfectly good material, if I were even blogging.

    Very funny stuff – Just sayin’.

  156. I was visited by people selling God door to door a few years back. When I explained that I was rushed and needed to leave, they asked if they could give me some of their literature. I said, “Sure, as long as you don’t mind if I give you some in return.”

    I gave them porn.

    I am such a damn nice person.

  157. As a minister’s daughter who has frequently endured “well-meaning” religious people, this made feel so vindicated. Where were you when I was stuck in Jesus Camp as a kid??

  158. OMG!! No Rapture for you.. (or me) bet we get Raptors tho.. yup.. Raptors coming for us..
    “Thank You” for that.. I feel something in my life is now complete..
    Waiting for Raptors now
    Black Sheep

  161. wow, wonder how a convo between me and the religious dude would have gone, being a (chosen) person i’d be all like, do god and jesus even know each other? when did they become roomates? what’s going on? and who keeps opening the godamned window? and stop slamming the door!

  162. hahaha! I used to call my (ex)stepson Jesus because he was always leaving the door open…re: the born in a barn reference. I will burn in hell with you, unless we escape through an open window somewhere.

  163. It seems terribly inefficient for God to open a window while simultaneously closing the door. It would make much more sense to simply walk out the way you came in. The only reason you wouldn’t do that is if there were some sort of danger on the other side. Like if there was a fire on the other side of the door. Then you’d be really thankful that you had a window to go out of. Unless you were on the 10th story and there was no fire escape. Then you’d have to decide between jumping or dying in a raging inferno. Which seems like a terribly cruel choice to have to make. And you’d probably be thinking, “That was a real dickish thing to leave a door open only to close it and set a fire on the other side. It like you think this is an episode of Criminal Minds.” So then, of course faced with the decision between the fire and the pavement, you’ll jump because we’ve all seen burn victims and god bless em, but that shit looks like it hurt like a bitchy-bitch. Then you hit the ground and your bones splinter and you wake up and a fireman is carrying you to an ambulance. And you asked God “Why??? Where were you?? And She says, I was carrying you the whole time.”

    And that’s when you realize that God is a arson-setting fireman. I’m not sure if this is an appropriate comment.

  165. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I <3 you and Victor. And I can't wait for your book to arrive on my doorstep.

  166. That is probably the best answer I have ever, ever heard, and your husband is awesome for getting it started!! That man is probably still trying to figure out just where he went wrong! Oh well, you know, hell is where all the interesting people are, anyway!!

  169. Just MAYBE your conversation with this religious *hole has convinced him that God is shutting the door on his lame and unBiblical tag lines. I’m sick of apologizing for offensive Christians.

  170. OMG I love you. My daughter doesn’t read blogs, except for yours. Because I e-mail her almost every one of your posts.

  171. Ah. The Biblical version of Cheer Up. I appreciate you labeling him “well-meaning”. At least he did’t use my 2 least favorite Church Words: Victory, and Edifying. He didn’t did he?

  175. This is way better than hitting religious people over the head with a Darwin fish! Also less likely to end in a law suit.

    Re Jehovah’s Witnesses: I’ve found that inviting them in for tea and talking to them about Buddhism and reincarnation whilst playing obscure electronic music also works. They NEVER come back.

    PS: That religious person was probably stunned because he was so not used being around intelligent people. (It’s statistically verified, people!)

  179. Hilarious. I’ve been thinking about Mary and how she was a MOM and didn’t know her baby was the son of God or God Hisownself. And it’s not like us moms never tried to sleep a few extra winks while the baby cried and we rolled our eyes and ignored him/her because we were perhaps a little selfish and exhausted thinking, “I hope that thing just dies” even though we didn’t mean it really at all, but then you find out it was GOD or His SON and- DOH! *Cringe*

  180. ROFL!!! If I could come up with that kind of beautiful logic on the fly in response to the Christian messengers, I wouldn’t even need the Christian Repellent (aka deer skull with the goat horns shoved through the eye-sockets) that I hung on the deck railing and which keeps them at bay.

  181. I thought Beyonce was my favorite post, but this one is. ( It’s like when the holy roller came to my door and started his spiel. I interrupt : I’m jewish. Said he: well do the Jews have a bible? I could have used some stunned silence. I mean, on his part, not mine.)

  184. Um, I just coincidentally posted about chocolate bars with air bubbles in them, only to read another blogger`s almost identical content post.

    He wrote his first. I feel dumb.

    ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS ABOUT YOU, JENNY? I WILL *NEVER* HAPPEN TO BLOG THE SAME TOPIC OR CONTENT AS YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE SO UNIQUE. And a little out there. Which I love.

    heheheh.

    And if I HAPPEN TO, I will assume it`s because I have turned into an awesome blogger. Or something.

    __________

  187. I’m pretty sure God and Jesus have never had to open a window or a door or pump their own gas. Just sayin’

  189. Yeah… as an exceptionally snarky Episcopalian, can I say… YOU ARE MY FUCKING HERO. People who encounter my particular parish for the first time, especially if they show up for choir events, are SO confused (and occasionally aghast) at the number of sheep jokes that we tell.

  190. this is why I’ve always wanted to have a fake chicken carcass in coated in fake blood right by the front door. They come a knockin’, I pick up the chicken, rub some blood on my face and answer the door in an anxious hurry. If they don’t stop their spiel I interrupt with a ” look I got about 5 min to finish this thing or else some real bad shit is about to go down….. do you mind if I cut off a lock of your hair?”
    I figure that should send them on their way with me never to be bothered again.

  191. I betcha Jesus and God love this sorta thing. I bet they also have cats. Because if you don’t have cats…you’re just not cool. And you HAVE to be cool if you’re Jesus or God.

  195. The only way to get annoying people to shut up is to be even more annoying. This works for crazy people. With stupid people there is no defense.

  196. I’m pretty sure God’s lying about that window thing. It’s just an excuse he makes when lazy people in high-rise office buildings ask Him to close their doors for them (“I’d love to, but then I’d have to open a window, and the ones in this building don’t open”).

    Also, you and Victor are perfect together.

  197. LMFA off and reminded me of a similar encounter I had a couple of months ago outside my rail station, that went like this;
    I was walking from the station to the office last week when I was approached by a gentleman who attempted to give me a leaflet on GOD and Christian values and he stood in front of me in an attempt to stop my progress. As I was on my way into work and did not want to be engaged in this I asked if GOD would give me a ‘late note’.
    A few days and a weekend later he was back at it yesterday morning and I couldn’t help pointing out that he was probably in the wrong location as people were either rushing for a train or rushing from the train to work!
    He pointed out that I could read it in my own time, I asked if it was available on Kindle to download!!!!
    He looked at me strangely and then 25 minutes later I happened to look up from my desk and who should I see on the CCTV at the front desk, you guessed, same chap. Had he followed me , has GOD finally got a plan for me, I couldn’t ask though as he soon disappeared out the door.
    I asked Sharon what the chap wanted who had just left, she replied, ” He said he wanted to visit the tenants to discuss Christian values and I told him that in fairness to him I wont allow you to do that as the Devil [me she is referring to – P45 [dismissal note] or what] is on the 3rd floor and he hates cold callers, he gave me a funny look and left”

    Again, I ask, ‘Is it me?’

  198. I’m about to wake up my fiance because I’m laughing so hard that I’m shaking the bed. This is awesome.

  199. Amazing. I can’t remember the last time a religious zealot tried to accost me; I walk past them in the street and they avoid making eye contact. That kind of thing could make a girl paranoid…

  200. I need to stop reading your posts in bed at 2am. I laughed so loud after reading this that I woke up the wife….you beat me senseless for scaring the crap out of her!

    If only I could have been sitting one row behind y’all during this beautiful exchange. Hugs to you.

  201. Maybe we should apply this literal sense to the whole Bible. Maybe. It would make a cool sitcom.

  202. This totally just made my day. My grandma has stage 4 cancer so I’ve been kinda down all day (found out today) and this just made me laugh a lot. Thank you for being awesome.

  203. I get a kick out of the theists on here are slamming the nut who accosted you as if their beliefs are any more sane.

  205. girl, you and Victor need to come to Australia and go out to dinner with MPS and I.

    We can entertain ourselves with conversations much like this and then live blog peoples heads blowing clean off.

    Twould be awesome.

    Twould is a word. Shakespeare said it. He totally did.

  207. If this verbal exchange with you and Victor bouncing off each other doesn’t prove that you two are a match made in heaven then I don’t know what does. 🙂

  210. I created an atheist brochure to return to Jeebuz people who try to hand me their crappy literature. It’s very empowering.

  211. Those people who point out to TOTAL STRANGERS that everything happens for a reason drive me bonkers!! I believe it in some cases, but I would never talk to random strangers about it. I also don’t care for ultra religious people. I soooooooo need you two with me the next time I get into a conversation with one!!

  212. Jesus should just nail the windows shut. Then again, he’s probably not a big fan of nails.

  215. Holy fuck. That may have been one of the funniest exchanges ever. And one hell of an uncomfortable silence after. I’m still laughing.

    Who knew Victor could give as well as he could get.

  216. You guys could CLEAN UP if you rented yourselves out to attend other people’s family events. I would SO hire you to talk to one of my uncles. I would pay more to be allowed to film his face.

  218. I just recently experienced the hellfire that is a burst ovarian cyst. Very religious people everywhere are extremely lucky that they didn’t pitch this window/door shit to me at the time. Because they would have gotten knifed. You have so much more self restraint than I do.

    Also, for some reason this post got the Lil Jon song “To the window…to the wall” stuck in my head.

  219. God walks around with his head in the clouds, no consideration for humanly a/c bills. I’m sure that was the reason in fine print for Jesus, I might get a little spacey too if I lived in some vast place filled with golden streets, old souls looking as they did at their best, and mansions….

    Wait…does he live in Beverly HIlls?

  220. For a mere $28,000 the Andersen Window guy assured me that a new window installation would gaurantee that God could no longer play with my windows… I say, that’s a small price to pay.

    (and yes, that was a REAL window quote… for 19 windows WTH?!)

  221. I would love for you to translate the bible into Bloggess style; it might actually be worth reading.

  222. After the week of work I just had this is the best remedy! Thank you…you truly do see the world in a fantastic way! 🙂

  224. Oh my, you have been too hard with the guy. If he has a blog somewhere, he might be writing for people to pray for the couple who talk to him that way.

    I don’t find the conversation funny.

  227. OMG – years ago this was the christmas card is sent (i wish i could insert the image!). still cracks me up.
    Jesus, looking all shamed as snow blows in behind him.
    Mary: “Jesus Christ, close the door! Where were you born, in a barn?”

  228. I was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and find it difficult when people say similar things to me about God opening doors, not giving me anything I can’t handle, etc…

    I will use this discussion as a guide for my response. You are a GENIUS!

  229. I bet that douche also says things like, “He’s in a better place now.”

    Where? Fucking Denmark? Because then I could visit him and bring him chocolate and crash on his couch and we could eat rugbrod slathered with my homemade apple butter. And also, how do you know where he is when I don’t? Did that asshole send you a postcard and not me? TELL ME!!

  230. It’s a good thing God doesn’t have OCD because he’d spend all day going back and forth wondering if he’d ACTUALLY closed the door after he opened the window…and then if he’d actually opened the window once he checked the door to see if it was closed. All the while Jesus is calling all the prophets he knows trying to stage an intervention.

    Actually, maybe he does have OCD. This would explain why he probably doesn’t answer any of my prayers.

  232. I read this via cell phone in bed last night….Fabulous!!!! “Burn, Jesus” Bwahahahahaha!! And that whole born in a barn-thing? Brilliant!

  235. I’m convinced God has a burn book and I’m allllllll over it. When I was growing up I worked in an ice cream shop on the beach and we would take a picture of the most ridiculous customers and tell them that they were Customer of the Week. They would get a free cone, and we would get another ridiculous picture to pin in the back.

    That’s what I’m convinced that God has. A Burn of the Week wall. And my face is ALL OVER IT.

  236. What the guy said was stupid. No question. God didn’t want you in the hospital. I cannot though read your post (which was very funny) and the comments and not let you know that there is a God, He loves you, and wants nothing more than to welcome you into Heaven one day. He’s not in the business of striking people down with illness while they are on vacation.

  237. Haha! For once, Victor’s not on the receiving end of your logic. This totally invalidates the next time he argues with you about something he thinks is insane. Look at how much sense you’re making!

  239. Jesus saves! On his electric bill by keeping the windows open rather than using air. Because Pepco is Lucifer and Jesus hates the devil. The devil is in the details. Of the barn that he was born in that had no windows. And made it smell like…a barn.

  240. As a religious, specifically Christian, clergy person myself…. I love the conversation and think of things like that all the time when I sit around with my friends. I’m going to have to share this with them, although some of them follow your blog, too, so maybe they’ve already read it. Best part… born in a barn. 🙂

  242. I wonder if God and Jesus ever handle arguments through a game of rock, paper, scissors? Although God would probably do the “bomb” cheat and Jesus would get all pissed and God would say “I’m God! I can change the rules if I want, bitch!” And Jesus would answer with “Oh-no you di’int!”

    Cause God and Jesus are Ghetto fabulous.

  243. Freakin’ love this one. What I would have given to be a witness (ha – yo uget it!) to this conversation. You probably drove that poor man to go to the nearest bar. Hallelujah.

  248. Wow, sounds like God and Jesus have a highly disfunctional relationship. No wonder God sent Jesus to Earth, I bet it was a nice reprieve.

    Do you think there’s Holy Entity counselors? I think they need one

  250. I love how Victor normally plays the straight guy in these exchanges, except for when there’s an even straighter guy, then he jumps right in there. That’s comic genius.

  252. Obviously “Religious Stranger” has neither children (or he would understand the dynamics of parent/child banter) nor cats (or he would understand the importance of securing the house from the constant feline obsession with escape).

    Poor cat-loving Jesus. His dad is apparently more of a dog-person.

  253. things you need to do:

    1.) Stop going to the hospital!
    2.) Start a church with Victor. Because that is a church I would join. And by church I mean cult.

  254. Haha, your thorough knowledge of the intricacies of Holy HVAC has surely earned you a scholarship to hell. 🙂

  255. Have I told you how much I appreciate the way your mind works? And your commenters are awesome too!

  256. Jesus has a cat? Man, i always pictured him with a ‘alternative’ pet…like a pot-bellied pig or something. That would explain the no pork thing right?

  257. Snicker snicker. Were you born in a barn? heh I’m probably going to get strange looks today when I just start laughing for no apparent reason thinking about this blog post. I wish I could come up with something brilliant like that when the religious folks knock on my door and want to hand me a pamphlet!

  260. HOly crap…you made me choke on my apple!!! I never thought of it this way…but I LOVE your philisophical thinking!! GIve the hubs a virtual high five from the crazy stranger on your blog!! Love it!

  261. Love it! And my favorite comment so far (of several that made me laugh out loud) is #212: Greg got a gigglesnort out of me with “Jesus should just nail the windows shut. Then again, he’s probably not a big fan of nails.”

    As for the Christmas card comment that sev people have made, they exist. Or at least they did. One of my best friends in universe sent me a Christmas card that featured the inside of a rustic house (circa the Middle East 2000 years ago) with a young man in robes (same circa) standing in an open door. In the foreground is a woman with dark hair saying, “Jesus Christ, shut the door! Where were you born… in a barn?” It’s still my favorite card ever.

  263. Amazing. You guys make the best comedic team EVER!!

    I am a Catholic and I still think that is a hysterical exchange…I’m pretty sure God has a sense of humor.
    I mean, have you ever seen a platypus? Or the color of baby poop?

  264. And here I always wondered how you and Victor stayed together. Totally get it now. Either that or years of marriage have rubbed off on him. Either way, I really wish you’d gotten video of the stranger’s face. It would have made my year.

  265. I always thought it was my cat trying to escape the crazy!
    I’ll have to try this next time. The disparaging looks isn’t working.

  271. Oh man, this made me realize how much I love both you and Victor (it may even make up for his hating on Beyonce)
    Now I have new insight on that old religious saying – I will never again be able to keep a straight face when I hear someone trying to enlighten me with the theories of God and opening windows. Although I always just assumed God was trying to keep the pressures the same by opening that window when he closed a door. Shows what I know.

  272. Okay must remember to not read this at work anymore. People are wondering why I just burst out laughing. I needed that. 🙂

  275. I don’t know that I’ve ever commented on your blog before, but I read every post and I love them all. You are hilarious and I always get excited when my Reader shows a new post.

    Thanks for making me laugh so hard that I cry.

  276. “I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God has a sick sense of humor.”

    AWESOME post, thanks for making my morning!

  278. Poor Jesus’s cat! God can be so insensitive…

    I mostly am commenting because I had a dream about you last night. I went to your house and helped you sweep some dirt off your sidewalk while Victor fixed your shower. It was hard not to act like a stalker in my dream, but you seemed okay. In fact, you asked me about my ear piercing and was impressed when you learned it was a clip on. This means we are real-life friends, right?

  283. Definitely using a variation on this and the “Have you lost him?” schtick the next time god-botherers knock on my door.

  284. Been lurking here for some time, but WOW did this post crack me up!! Love it. Probably going to memorize the whole conversation for the next time someone tries to give me an annoyingly religious pep talk.

  285. I’ve known all along that you and Victor are together not just so you will have a handy source of frustration. THIS proves that y’all really do belong together!

    I tell Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses that I’m an Aztec priestess and ask them if they’d like to come back tomorrow and make a heartfelt donation to our religious celebration. No one has yet. Also, I do a bit about the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program and have been known to riff on how Jesus got everybody to buy into his whole ritualistic cannibalism thing.

  287. TOO FUNNY!!!
    I desperately want a religous freak to now utter the phrase “God works in mysterious ways” to you guys, so I can hear the replay of that conversation!
    You and Victor Rock!

  288. This is one of many, many reasons why I adore you.

    Also why I think my husband and I would get along GREAT with you guys.

  289. All this has led to is me deciding what type of cat Jesus would have and if it would be a hypoallergenic cat or have super powers or something, or just be a normal cat. Is being sensitive to the needs of it’s cat why Jesus fed people fish? I mean, I’m not a christian, so I could have just effed that up– he did something with fish, right? That’s why all the bumper stickers and stuff…………or are those ALL hippie music fans and all this time I’ve been thinking they were missionaries?

    I need a drink.

  290. I don’t understand how God and Jesus have time to be worrying about opening and closing doors and windows. They’re too busy making a Burn in Hell list for the people who don’t copy and paste “If you love God and Jesus, you’ll repost this.” on their Facebook statuses.

  294. I wish you and Victor were my neighbours so I could call on you for help when the Jehovah’s Witnesses come around. I usually chicken out and don’t answer the door (gone are the days of my youth.. my 20’s.. when I would tell them I’m a Satan worshipper. LOL.), but you two would put our houses on the “Don’t EVER visit” list.

  297. Why you don’t have a full time job creating Christmas greeting cards is one of the world’s greatest mysteries.

    Happy Jesus was born in barn day!

  298. I love you SO MUCH. From now on, every time I have a religious fanatic all up in my grill I’m going to take my inspiration from this post…although with my luck it would go like this:
    Them: “Jesus blah blah blah.”
    Me: “Geez, was that guy born in a barn or what?”
    Them: “Actually, yes, He was.”
    Me: “Oh.”
    I’m not good under pressure.

  301. see god does open a window. without that man to mock, what would you have written?

  302. I’m not good under pressure either. Hubby is, though. That’s why the Witness never comes around any more….
    This blog absolutely made my day ^__^ Pure Awesomesauce, baby!

  304. Most times, the posts here that I’ve read have seen you and Victor pitting wits against each other. That’s pretty damn funny all on its own. You and Victor teaming up against a nut? The nut was guaranteed to crack under such pressure. Thanks for the laugh!

  308. I have to admit that, to this point, I’d always had the impression that Victor just didn’t “get” you and that you were pretty obviously out of his league, so I say kudos to Victor for his part in this one!

    I bet God won’t let Jesus bump up the thermostat at all when it gets cold, either. Hrumph!

  309. Oh that was terrific! This week my son and his roomate had Mormons show up at their apartment. They invited the poor guys in and then quizzed them for an hour and a half. THEN the roomate gave the poor guys a link to some article on stars and outer space and asked them to research this and come back next Monday so they could discuss it further!

  313. I’ve always said that when God locks a door, somewhere he BREAKS a window. I like that it takes people a few seconds to catch it. Either that or God loses his keys a lot.

  314. When you and Victor begin to sell tickets to your show, let me know. Better yet, how ’bout you videotape some of this so we can see your expressions and really hear the inflections in your voices? PLEASE!!

  315. I think it’s awesome you guys are deeply religious and helping educate people through out the world…Praise Bob!

  317. Here in Canada it’s just too fucking cold to keep the windows open, especially in the winter. I suppose wherever God is it’s warm year-round so keeping a window open wouldn’t be a big deal temperature wise. Without the need for air conditioning and the frigid cold temperatures of Canada, it’s entirely plausible that God keeps the windows open without any need to counteract such a deed with an equally placed door closing. Come to think of it, why do they even need doors? I mean, it’s an open society in the place of worship isn’t it? Does God support transparency? One would think so. If that were the case there’s no need for privacy and there’s no worry about people breaking into your home and stealing your DVD collection of Ally McBeal. Everyone would just share everything and sing kumbyah all the time and life would be unicorns and rainbows and we don’t need no stinkin’ air conditioners. So, uh, what was the point of this again?

  318. LOVE it! Completely sounds like a conversation my boyfriend and I would have, but would probably not be as hilarious. I agree with a previous poster, God has to have a sense of humor. Just look around!!

  319. I wish I could put you in my pocket and bring you to my bible-banging Mothin-in-Law’s house. I usually just drink so I can deal with her constant talk of God and “the Bible says this, and the Bible says that”. Sometimes, that back fires and I get a little too drunk and start acting like a fool. There have been a few times that she actually started praying for me while I was in one of these drunkin stupors. Turns out, mixing Jesus and wine together isn’t as aweome as the Bible lets on.

  320. I have a less-funny version of this conversation with my family every holiday. I really just go for the leftovers and to do my laundry on someone else’s water bill.

  321. I snickered a little. I am certain God frowned on it.
    I’m just glad I am not on the other end of your wit, especially in combination with Victors.

    Scott

  322. You are my heros. Both of you. That is all I can say right now. When I quit laughing and can breath again, I will probably think of more….but not now.

  323. Living in a predominantly Catholic country, I have to deal with religious fanatics all the time. And we have tropical weather, too. So I never really completely understood why God doesn’t just leave the windows open. Because God forbid you die for heat exhaustion. Wait…what?

    And good to know Victor and you are clearly MFEO.

  324. PS. Usually when I read blog posts, I just skip/skim the comments. So this is pretty rare for me to read the blog post and ALL comments. And you just made me want to write and update my own blog, too. God knows it’s cobwebby in there. Thanks.

  325. So basically, you’re saying that God is the reason my cat ended up on top of my garage after jumping out the window.

    Way to go, God. Way. To. Go.

  326. I got so confused at first because I read this post without checking what blog it was from and thought I was reading a post from “The Very Worst Missionary” until you mentioned your husband’s name. She generally calls her man El Chupacabra. It seemed totally plausible that this would be an exchange she would have, made more hilarious by the fact that they’re missionaries. You and Victor should become missionaries, conversion GOLD.

  327. Jesus is coming — look busy.

    Our handyman has a brother named Jesus, but he wasn’t born in a barn. At least I don’t think so. Not too many barns in Jersey City, NJ.

  328. I’d forgive the crazy expensive utilities bill because I’m a pretty superior Christian…. but mostly because He can turn water into wine.

  333. Reminds me of a quote:
    “Having religion is like having a penis. You can happy with it. You can be proud of it. You can hold on to it and let it guide your actions during various points of your life. But for the love of God, please stop trying to shove it down me and my kids throat!”

  334. LOVE THIS!!

    Side note: I’m pretty sure my hubby and I going off on these kind of tangents is the reason the Door to Door Soul Solicitors have stopped trying to save us. That should probably worry me…..

    Eh. Whatevs.

  337. Thanks for sharing your crazy with the world. I have found so many new inappropriate things to laugh at because of you. You’re the friend with the hilarious stories that I will probably never meet.

  340. You are in trouble now. I just shot perfectly good wine out of my nose! This is hilarious.
    In an effort to escape an overly evangelical aunt at last year’s Christmas gathering, I told her we had become Jewish. She spent the rest of the party interrogating the guests “Did you hear that Bernice’s daughter has become a JEW?!? “

  341. That was so awesome I think I peed a little. I’m so glad you’re back!

  344. Hospital Stay = God Opening Windows = Increased Electricity Bill

    It’s like Scientology, only with more science and less aliens.

    Consider me converted!

  345. For what it’s worth, I totally disagree with that saying! I mean this is God right? And He closed the “door” for a reason right? So why on earth would He then go and open a window, almost like He is second-guessing Himself or something? No way. I think it would be more like “Hell ya, I closed that door! And it’s staying closed! Oh … what’s that? You need some fresh air circulating? Well I guess maybe I was wrong and we could open a window … PSYCHE! Yeah right! I closed that door and it’s STAYIN’ closed bitch!”. Then maybe chest-bumps Jesus or something. (don’t ask me why He is speaking like He’s from the ‘hood. That’s just how He rolls).

  346. Oddly enough, I’m currently pregnant. And we live in an old house that was converted from a barn. And I’m due December 25. And we’re planning a homebirth.

    BUT… We own our house. And deliberately did NOT get pregnant in a census year. I have, in fact, had people ask if we were getting the manger ready. Dude, we’re going to be cosleeping. No knives though.

    But yes, my kids WERE in fact brought up in a barn.

  348. I always hear this saying in Julie Andrews voice… from The Sound of Music… all wistful and contemplative. But then her family was hunted down by Nazis… ya – that movie didnt really have a happy ending. I’m sure hiking through the alps with zero gear makes you wish you had ANY doors or windows to be manipulated by a higher power.

    Ah… NOW I get it.

  350. Oh my. What I wouldn’t give to have been in the same train/plane/whatever you were in at the time. Of course, I’d have had to explain to the nice gentleman in the seat in front of me why I had just spewed coffee everywhere…

  353. When I was in college some evangelical guy came up to my boyfriend and I in a shopping center and told us that Jesus was going to come again. My boyfriend asked him whether Jesus knew that he was supposed to put on a fresh condom each time. Then I tried not to laugh and snorted kind of grotesquely. Good times.

  354. Many years ago a friend intended to (and never did) write a book called JESUS DIED IN A PLANE CRASH, based on the at best specious argument that most true “superstar” celebrities do indeed die in plane crashes.
    So, you’re quite lucky Jesus WASN’T there with you, since, though undoubtedly he’d have been on your side of the “exchange” with the superstitious “son worshipper,” the whole flight may have been doomed because of Jesus’ (always) seemingly fucked fate.
    BTW, I opened and closed my own doors many times this summer, and the windows seemed to be opened quite a lot of the time. Also, although I have no cats of my own right now, a few strays seemed to be LIVING in my backyard. You see? It’s as if they were let out of windows somewhere…
    You have forced me to rethink this entire situation with an open mind, something that’s not good for me, and I never like to do.
    Cheers

  357. The question ‘Were you born in a barn?’ is a little redundant nowdays as many people were born in hospital in a room with swing doors (which would explain why they don’t feel the need to close the doors behind them)

  363. off topic but I would totally spend like $50 in your store if you would please put the “I’m doing the best I can… and carry a knife” on a tshirt. I really need one and perhaps Copernicus Keep Calm on a shirt also!???

    I’m already going to order the strangle is like a hug because it weirds out even my weird friends. It’s hard to stand out in my crowd. Thank you and as someone that had an ovary BITE her “well looky there, I’m bleeding and it’s not my period?”… I’m glad you are ok. Do you have a new scar you have to explain endlessly for the rest of your life? (“no new doctor I did not have a C section….” Ihad to put that in so you don’t think I’m a hooker). Actually now 23 years in I have to THINK which one it was that decided to grow a tumor just for the heck of it. Right or left? (or it’s the early Alzheimers….)

    Anyway, so need some shirts! Bags are fine, but I have big boobs so that people will pay more attention to a tshirt.

  364. I giggled like mad reading this, which then caused the hubby and the roommate to question my giggling. So I read the post out loud. Then we all giggled like mad.

    The Bloggess. Bringing families together.

    Much better than opening windows.

  365. It’s nice to know I am not the only one going to hell! Thank you both -> if I weren’t such a “deer in headlights” sort of person, exuding total shock from comments like that bellowed from strangers, I could only dream to deliver the greatest comeback of all times -> “Victor: Well that explains why our electric bill was so high. Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is”.

  366. I think God is calling you two (your husband and you- not the crazy guy and you) to facilitate marriage encounter weekends.

  368. When my ex-husband’s grandfather was dying, a preacher asked him if he’d made peace with the Lord. Papa Charles’ reply? “I haven’t been at war with him.”

  369. Eons ago, when I saw the sign that proclaimed “Jesus Saves” and some wonderful person added “At Wells Fargo”? I almost wrecked the car laughing. Yup, if it’s there, I’ll prolly go straight to hell, even with all of that Catholic edumacation.

  370. Many years ago, I was hurriedly prop-shopping for a play I was directing at a mall during the holidays. A local Jewish youth group had put up a giant menorah and the young people were actually proselytizing in front of it (odd, I know). One of the young men approached me, asking “Excuse me, Sir. Are you Jewish?” I couldn’t help myself and kept moving as I said “No. I’m gay.” As I passed, I heard him drop the bundle of pamphlets he was holding and I smiled.

    By the way, on this basis of this post alone, I am adding you to the blog-roster on my own blog, Caliban’s Revenge (http://www.calibansrevenge.blogspot.com/). Can’t wait to read more.

  371. Ha ha ha ha ha, just came across your blog through Iffy Inklings and this story just made my day!! Some people just don’t know when NOT to shove things down peoples’ throats. =]

  372. One of my goals in life is to find myself a Victor. Guess I should probably get out of the Bible Belt first though.

    Loved this post. Love your blog. You’re one of my inspirations, but don’t let that scare you. I’m not trying to accomplice world peace or anything.

  373. Year: 1972

    Knock, Knock.

    Door opens.

    JW* asks, “Do you know where you are going when you die?”

    Peter** answers, “Toledo. I ain’t never been to Toledo.”

    Door closes.

    * JW = Jehova’s Witness

    **Peter- not his real name. Grad student at Cal Tech.

    Bless you with whatever makes you feel good Jenni. And pass some on to Victor.

  376. All I can say is Thank You….. But not Thank You God or Thank You Jesus. But Jesus Thank is an ugly word in and of itself. Only cuz it is so like Shank but at least shank sounds better than Thank. Who the fuck is T Hank anyway.

  378. My favourite experience with a religious stranger? I get off the bus and hear a guy yelling “Hey!” and I’m like “oops, I must have forgotten something on the bus!” Then he hands me a letter. From God. Seriously, it was signed “Your dad, Almighty God”. Apparently we’re not as tight as he’d like. No return address though…

  379. Is that why so many kids are getting pneumonia this year? God is leaving windows open?? I should have known.

    The religious stranger should spend more time praying and less time preaching. Lol.

  382. I didn’t read all the kazillion comments above, so forgive me if this is repetitive, but *real* Christians would find this funny and laugh along with you. God has a sense of humor, no doubt. And Jesus was very close to a whole lot of unsavory characters, so… yeah. He would leave a window open just to fuck with you. 🙂

    A Not-Stricken Religious Person

  383. I’m so glad you are feeling better Bloggess! Whenever I see you have a new web post, or a Twitter update, I have a grin that creeps from ear to ear with anticipation while I furiously click on the link to enjoy what you share of your life with us on the internet.

    All Hail The Bloggess! (And Victor too … I have a strange feeling he has a much better sense of humor than any of your readers are aware of. *smirk*)

  384. BAHAHHAHHAHHAHA I died laughing at this. you always have the best stories and I’m glad you blog to share them with us!

  385. I found myself sat, slightly inebriated in front of a new couple at a gathering.

    It was a birthday thing.

    Not mine.

    I knew that there was going to be trouble when within 5 sentences of ‘Hello’ we had made it to “We are all sinners, I know, I am full of sin, praise Jesus”

    Drinking heavily didn’t seem to block out the noise from across the table so I asked about all the Stained Glass window in churches and how beautiful they are.

    Sage nodding ensued.

    “Shame that they continue to portray Jesus as being white with an anlgo-esque nose, when really given where he was born he actually should look closer to Osama Bin Laden”

    *shock*

    “Okay, not EXACTLY like him, but, you know…regionally, he’d look arabic wouldn’t he…?”

    Silence followed. My wife pinched me. All was good.

  387. A former pastor whose husband had a lot of health issues came to mind. In her memorable first sermon, she said, “Jesus, he’s just this guy, you know?” which I got immediately from the Hitchhiker’s Guide (Douglas Adams). It was referencing Zaphod Beeblebrox, who is so cool you could store a side of beef in him, and so incredibly hip he can’t see past his pelvis, to quote some of the self references the character gave in the BBC audio. People remember what is said.
    And if you’ve lost Jesus, check inside your heart to see if he made it in. Once in, never out! Good health to you.

  389. and this is why I keep my religion to myself…. and everyone else should too. People like this guy give religion a bad name.

  390. I just want you to know that you make my day with your blog! As I was reading this convo at work and inexplicably burst into laughter, my coworkers around me said “she must be reading THAT blog”
    You are known without being known. True awesomness aquired!

  391. Another Episcopalian here, with sense of humor intact, so I was also LMAO at your little exchange with the “religious” person. A few points:
    A) Jesus was most likely actually born in a cave. Caves were actually pretty commonly used for housing animals back then. Which, if you think about it, is even worse than being born in a barn in terms of manners.
    B) God doesn’t put people in the hospital. He may use your hospital experience to show forth his glory, but he doesn’t put you there in the first place. He created the world, gave it a jump start, and then humankind f*cked it up. That’s where all the bad sh*t comes from, a perfect creation which was screwed up. Which is totally believable if you shop at Walmart on Saturday. And having a ovarian cyst burst definitely qualifies as bad sh*t.
    C) I hate the sound of “God did this to you for your own good” along with all the other religious words that are supposed to be well meant, but sometimes sound downright cruel. Best to keep one’s mouth shut if you can’t be helpful. “I’m so sorry and I am praying for you” goes a lot farther, IMO.

  392. I wish I could give this the proper credit where credit is due the original writer. It is something my father sent me a few years ago when I had the pleasure of landing the role of “God,” in a production of Mark Twain’s “the Diary of Adam and Eve. (All the more pleasing, since I am female.)

    Daddy didn’t write this—-I wish I knew who did:

    Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, “Don’t.”

    “Don’t what?” Adam replied. “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said. “Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? COOL! Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!” “No way!” “Yes, way!” “Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God. “Why?” “Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, (wondering why he hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants).

    A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He pissed! “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God, as our first parent, asked.

    “Uh huh,” Adam replied, still chewing.
    “Then why did you?” said the Father.
    “I don’t know,” said Eve.
    “She started it!” Adam said,
    “Did not!”
    “Did too!”
    “DID NOT!

    Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!

  395. Something about “BURN, JESUS” just killed me.

    Actually, this whole exchange killed me. I’m imagining that the religious person just didn’t know what to do with people who were running with this the way you were.

  396. BLoggess, it’s moments like these that I hyperventilate at the pure brilliance of the both of you. I love you both. and I’m looking for a guy with that sense of humor as Victor displayed in this conversation (pls tell them I love him tooo). And then i would try desperately to live up to your wit. Does Victor know anyone with such brilliance and humor? please introduce. thanks!!

    Still Searching (aka Bubs)

  399. You made my day, love it. “God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out. That sort of thing.” Fucking priceless….

  401. I love how all the comments here assume that you guys had some kind of significant theological debate with this guy, and like Arius he was soundly defeated foe his apostasy against your very sanctity. Sounds to me like you were just takin the piss and he didn’t understand. Ooooooooo.

  402. Moreover, how did his comment communicate that God hates you? Was the man trying to convert you or just offering a platitude as small talk? Or do you even care? Maybe he was just trying to dish up something that sounded encouraging, and you took it to mean something else. Do questions like these occur to you?

  404. Oh, that I could come up with responses to the religious freaks I run into as quickly and as beautifully as the two of you. You were a match made in Heaven… or Hell, whichever you wish :>)

  406. Comments like Cora’s always leave me conflicted. On the one hand it’s great to see someone has the same sense of humor as I, on the other I feel less clever. Really though, someone ought to put together a book full of true “fucking with religious people” stories.

  407. Playing catch up during lunch and now everyone is asking why I’m crying with laughter. I am so using this next time the religious callers come knocking

  413. When I was growing up, it used to be, “When God closes a door, He opens another one.” But maybe Fate or Opportunity or whoever got all pissed off at God for stealing their line so now He opens a window instead? How would that go when someone is trying to leave the room?

    Person: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”
    God: “Hold on, let me close this door and open a window first.”
    Person: “But how will I get out?”
    God: “Through the window”
    Person: “You mean, jump out the window?”
    God: “Or climb.”
    Person, Looking out the window: “We’re ten stories up.”
    God: ” I know.”
    Person: “There’s no fire escape.”
    God: “I know.”
    Person: “Why can’t I just walk out?”
    God: “Because I closed the door.”
    Person: “It’s a long way down…”
    God: “That’s the idea.”

    Why would God close the door and open a window? Why not another door? Did the other door get taken away? I think He wants you to jump and fall to your doom. Maybe Heaven is hard up for residents. Or maybe someone thinks that defenestration is funny.

    I’m so going to put more than one door in every room of my house.

  414. I sharted myself reading how you baffled/tortured the assclown re: when God closes a door he opens a window. Now I gotta go change my skivvies….

  416. I found this post through a review of the “Top 100 Mommy Blogs,” and I have to say I didn’t even so much as crack a smile while reading this entry. On the contrary, it made me sad. It’s a shame that so many people think that it’s open season to attack anyone who follows the teachings of Jesus. Imagine if this post had poked fun at beliefs of Muslims or the plight of homosexuals, blacks, Hispanics or Asians. Then everyone would be howling at how offensive it was. But go ahead and make fun of the Christians because THAT’S funny!

    You don’t give the exact words the stranger used on the plane, but you did say we was “well meaning.” Why not just accept his good intentions without completely tearing apart the God he holds sacred? He seemed to be trying to give you hope, but you just threw it back in his face. That’s not clever, that’s just, well, sad.

    Furthermore, perhaps you should reconsider your tagline, “Like Mother Teresa, only better.” Mother Teresa humbly and compassionately cared for the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick– people no one would even look at, let alone touch. You know why? Because she saw the face of Jesus in each one of them, the very person you chose to malign and disparage. Before you make a joke of this saintly woman and elevate yourself above her, you might want to spend some time reflecting about how you would treat the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick and if you would sign up to do that for all the years that Mother Teresa did.

  417. Peggy, I honestly don’t know where to start with this, but I assume you’re the person feverishly reloading this old post to see my response. Please know that I am an equal opportunity offender and that the person made fun of most often is myself. This blog is satire mixed with sarcasm and it’s very dangerous for people without a well-developed sense of either to spend any time here. I apologize for wasting your time and I can assure you that I don’t actually think I’m “like Mother Teresa, only better” and neither does anyone who actually understands this blog.

    If I could leave you with one unsarcastic note, it would be to point out that I am a big fan of Mother Teresa and she had a rule she applied for developing humility…”Accept small irritations with good humor.” I suspect she would have encouraged you to look at this blog as a small irritation. God knows you wouldn’t be alone in classifying it that way.

  419. Super classy response Jenny. I guess she probably wouldn’t have liked my “mmm this blood of Christ is delish” tweet yesterday either.

  420. Peggy,

    As a devout Christian I feel I get to chime in that I found this post hilarious. We do set ourselves up for mockery, by the company we keep. There are many of us (the loudest and most visible, sadly) who make us look ignorant, petty, and hateful.

    But we’re not, are we? We are filled with unparalleled joy – and blessed with the ability to find joy in anything.

    So lighten up, please. You’re making us look prudish and fringe-worthy again.

  422. Peggy, your religion is considered the only “real” religion in large areas of the United States and is the only American-practiced religion with a holiday on the federal calendar. The majority of public officials, Hollywood stars, teachers, and business owners are Christian; so are the majority of churches. Given that Christians are the most numerous of any religious group in this country it’s also fair to guess that you hold most of the wealth.

    Wanna run that by me AGAIN how bad Christians have it in this country?

    People stand up for Muslims and gays and women and Jews and such because historically Christians have seen fit to oppress these groups. Who’s oppressing you? All they’re doing is telling you to sit down, shut up and let someone else have a turn once in a while. And you know what? You *should.*

    Because until you’ve had the fun experience of being called on a Sunday morning by some random crazy woman who looked you up in the phone book because you DARED write a letter to your local paper about how Wiccans in prison have just as much right to practice their faith as Christians do? Babe, you don’t know what oppression is. And that isn’t even the worst thing anyone’s suffered at the hands of Christians in this country. My experience is almost laughable. But I was a young twentysomething wife with a baby and it scared the shit out of me. So you take from that whatever you will. And keep it to yourself because I really don’t care. I’m with everyone else: SHUT UP, SIT DOWN, AND LET OTHERS HAVE A TURN. For once.

  423. Jenny, great response. Loved the original post too. Isn’t it nice to live in a world where people can enjoy reading whatever they like? I think Jesus would like it too.

  426. ….When do we get to point out the charity and mental health stuff you and your blog have accomplished?

    *cue furiously happy music*

  428. Even as a Christian woman, I too find this post hilarious! Your posts always make me laugh. As I was sitting in the ER yesterday hooked up to a million machines monitoring my uncooperative heart, I sat there reading through your posts to put me in a better mood. Thank You for your humor and putting a smile on my face.

  429. That just made me thank god that I am able to laugh and be lighthearted. Additionally, thank god for your blog Jenny, for it is a wonderful existence and sanctuary for so many…my therapy and guilty pleasure. Well, besides Pinterest!!

  430. The nice thing about the world, and about the God that I think many people believe in, is that there’s a sense of humor in it. This post (besides being awesome) isn’t even making fun of God or Jesus or Christians, really. It’s making fun of the saying “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.”

    Also, Peggy, it is an indication of how accepted Christianity is that people are able to poke fun at it without an uproar. It is not something in need of defense, and is something that people feel comfortable with. As others have said, until someone is routinely denied the ability to get on a plane because they’re Christian, go to their church, or admit their beliefs in public without getting physically attacked, it’s not quite the same thing.

    Also, also, to Peggy – if you spend a bit of time investigating some of the things Jenny has done, like the Traveling Red Dress, the James Garfield charity, or several other things that have resulted in better lives for poor, sad or hopeless people, you’ll find that she has done a fair amount of measurable good in her life beyond making people #furiouslyhappy!

  431. Peggy remember that Jesus also said, “do not judge so you will not be judged” (Matthew 7:1). So although you have every right to your opinion, you are judging The Bloggess on just one post. Be careful that you do not become to judgmental because you will one day be judged as well.

  432. While we’re discussing whether or not it’s appropriate to make fun of someone for saying “When God closes a door, he opens a window,” or its spiritual cousins, “Everything happens for a reason,” and “God never gives us more than we can handle,” I think it’s worth considering that however well-meaning you might be, these supposedly comforting platitudes are sometimes not appropriate for you to say to someone. Sometimes, when someone is truly suffering or has been through an incredibly difficult ordeal, statements like these can, in fact, be incredibly UNcomforting and border on being hurtful. More often than not, they are not followed up by greater wisdom or more comforting words. They are something people say when they do not have any other response to hearing about something terrible. And again, you do get credit for being well-meaning, and I truly understand NOT knowing what to say to ease someone’s difficulty, and so reaching for a spiritual sound bite, but honestly, it doesn’t help. When you are facing something awful and a person — stranger or friend, HOWEVER well-meaning — says anything that seems to minimize your pain or to actually imply that you brought this on yourself or that God deliberately saddled you with this burden, it hurts. It adds to the pain you were already bowing under the weight of. And if your escape from that is humor, that doesn’t make you a terrible person. That makes you a person trying to survive a difficulty. Because the truly compassionate response to a person’s difficult story is not to tell them their pain happened for a reason; the truly compassionate response is, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. How awful for you. You’re clearly a very strong person and I hope things get easier for you soon.”

    I’ll bet no one makes fun of THAT response.

  433. I’m a Christian…I thought it was funny. Of course, I also believe in evolution and that the Doctor will one day take me away from all of this.

  434. Now we’re all feverishly reloading the page to see if Peggy will respond. *giggle*

    And Dana? +1,000,000,000 Rock on, sister.

  435. Perhaps Peggy should stick around and read all the good works you do.

    Peggy, had you stuck around to read more than one post perhaps you’d have noticed all the good Jenny does for others out of the goodness of her heart. I think if you’ll read the links below you’ll better understand that actions speak louder than words and that Jenny is a lot more like Mother Theresa than you see fit to give her credit for.

    http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-end-and-the-beginning/

    http://blog.chron.com/goodmombadmom/2012/01/the-horrible-sounds-of-sirens/

    http://thebloggess.com/2011/12/weekly-wrap-up-in-the-middle-of-the-week/

    http://thebloggess.com/2010/12/my-heart-grew-three-sizes-and-now-i-have-an-enlarged-heart-worth-it/

  439. And it’s times like these that I wish to God there was a like button to push on people’s posts! Jillybobww, BEAUTIFUL RESPONSE.

    Seriously, Jenny, you have the most coolest, fanabulousest readers on the planet. And that alone should show others that they might want to think twice, delve a little deeper before hurling denunciations.

  440. I think Jenny’s record speaks for itself.. yes the blog is sarcastic and what can be construed as “mean” at times (one reason I’m such a fan)… but take a look at all the good she’s done, all the help she’s given emotionally as well as the charity she’s given and inspired others to give. I think Mother Teresa would be quite proud.

    From now on Peggy isn’t allowed on the “is this funny?” panel.

  441. And that you are the cheerleader for the underdog.
    And that you are on a journey for which you do not apologize.
    And that you encourage others to NEVER apologize for where we are.
    And that you maintain your sense of humor amidst it all.
    And that you offer grace in your response.
    And that you are totally TRANSPARENT.

    Thank you. Totally {heart} this.

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  442. I worked as a hospital chaplain for several years. And the “God never closes a door…”/”It’s God’s will”/”Everything happens for a reason” responses make me stabbity. I find it a horrific thing to say to someone in pain. Those statements are much more about the speaker’s need for control than the listener’s need for care and nourishment.

    Anyway, the next time I hear it, I’ll remember this post and how much I laughed at it. I’ll also remember Jenny’s very classy response to the woman who doesn’t get it. And I’ll be far less homicidal. Thank you.

  443. Dear Bloggess, you are a class act. And if some people don’t get your humor it’s okay. You have enough of us that do and love you no matter what.

  445. Yeesh, lady, lighten up! I’m a Christian and make fun of my fellow followers all the time. If God doesn’t have a sense of humor, I’ll be headed the other way, I’m afraid. (Hmm…I hope Gary Larson was wrong and the coffee’s not cold in hell.)

  446. @jillybobww AMEN SISTER!

    Also, Jenny, you did not have to respond to this person but I love your response. What really matters is that we, who love you and your blog for things like this and the compassion you showed to the family that lost a wife/mother and all the other acts of charity you humbly support including the red dress project, know you are a wonderful smart, funny, caring and human –like the rest of us. This Peggy may never understand and that is truly sad.

  448. Jenny’s my hero… what a perfect and tactful response.. In the past few months I’ve been immersing myself in her blog, I become increasingly impressed at what a kind-hearted and real person she is. I fail to see how she “tore apart” what Dude held sacred. In fact, she was more tame and respectful than Dude who apparently felt self-righteous enough to approach her and puke his “spiritual” opinions in her general direction.

  449. Wow. Peggy needs to get laid or eat some chocolate or drink some wine or something. And I can say that because I used to be a Peggy myself. When you abstain from good shit, you get cranky.

    Jenny, great response, as always. And Dana, I couldn’t have said it better myself, sister.

  450. Oy vey. What a shitstorm being a humourist can be. Well, bring on the hate. It makes for good blog fodder. I offended all Europeans a couple of months ago. Apparently. I should blog about that…

  451. “Mother Teresa humbly and compassionately cared for the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick– people no one would even look at, let alone touch.”
    Isn’t that similar to what Jenny is doing for those of us with ‘mental’ issues, anxiety, depression etc..? and helping people buy Christmas presents for their children who can’t afford it, and encouraging readers to donate to other various causes. These examples are part of why Jenny is so great, Peggy only read 1 blog and gets her knickers in a twist. So she cracks a joke about a ‘Christian’ harassing her and telling her God hates her, which they love doing, so that insults you? Well, I’m pretty insulted when these so called ‘Christians’ tell people that God hates them just because they don’t like something about them. Peggy, pull the stick out of your behind.

  452. Omg, totally have to share this with everybody I know. Hilarious. This sounds like a conversations the voices in my head would have.

  454. jenny, i think the real problem here is that you shouldn’t be called a “mom-blogger,” at least not with some kind of asterisk and full explanation of the fact that you won’t be using this space to go on and on about your kid, and to share lots of cute photos of her doing kid type things. you’re a mom-blogger in the same sense that you’re a mom … it’s one of many cool things you do, but it’s not the first thing you present to us, every time we meet with you in this corner of the interwebs.

    knowing what all the other mom blogs are like, i feel a little bad for peggy, she was probably expecting something *very* different than what she stumbled upon. mom-blogging is a very different niche than what the bloggess presents 🙂

  455. What truly saddens me about Peggy’s response is that she has no idea what her closed mindedness, and lack of humor, is keeping her from experiencing. Furious Happiness. Reminds me to not take myself too seriously. Wish more people would give it a try instead of passing judgement on someone who works so hard to make others happy.

  456. Peggy, Peggy. I’m so sorry that you had your funny bone removed with your sins. It must be lovely to have a religion that not only absolves you of responsibility for your mistakes, but also enables and endorses your bigotry.

    So many of the commenters are are much more eloquent than I can be today, but I will say that with the amazing, and wonderful things that Jenny has done, I consider her one of the better people in the world. Truly someone who works to make things better for everyone.

  457. I love that Victor has a similar sense of humor! My favorite part is when God says, “look, when I close a door, I open a window. IT’S WHAT I DO.” hahaha awesome.

  458. A very well-measured and dignified response, Jenny which I’m not sure the commentator even deserved. Don’t let narrow-minded people get you down.

  459. Jenny, I am so glad that you’re in the top 100 mommy blogs. When you post about your daughter, your love shines through so brightly. And you prove so often that being a good parent isn’t just about changing diapers/cooking hotdogs/wiping tears–it’s also about continuing your own journey to find furious happiness, expressing yourself honestly and unapologetically, finding humor everywhere, and generally understanding that making your child happy isn’t going to come from being a perfect, nothing-but-a-mommy robot.

    Besides, I know God has a sense of humor. He created the platypus and Lada Gaga’s fashion sense.

  460. At the beginning of this blog I see an ad that says “I get paid to watch clown porn”. I don’t know how much clearer you can get that this is not your average mommy blog.
    I understand that humor is different to everyone, but it takes chutzpah to submit a comment lambasting someone else’s sense of humor. If Peggy found you unfunny, the responsible course of action would have been to never visit the site again. Your response was tactful and restrained.
    Jenny, count me among your many fans. I look forward to your tweets every day. I anxiously await the release of your book.

    Sue

  462. Well Dammit! All this time I thought you were Mother Teresa reincarnated. I may have to rethink my reading habits now. *snicker*

  464. I know I’m a little late to the party here (stumbled across this searching for ‘top mom blogs’ – ehem… CONGRATS), but this is fucking AWESOME.

    LOVE.

  465. That had to be the funniest thing I have ever read, and I LOVED the Sloth Anniversary… I HAVE to send this to my friend! Thanks for being so AWESOME! ^-^ You have made my day!

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