It’s like a hoodie. But with fangs.

in bizarre, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I am totally overrated, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

Last week my friend Suebob pointed me toward an enormous taxidermied wolf on Etsy THAT YOU CAN WEAR.

The girl who made it is actually INSIDE of it. And possibly about to get shot.

It was made of awesome, and I was able to verify that the wolf died of old age/kidney failure so I could buy it with a clear conscience and PETA couldn’t throw blood at me when I wore it at formal events.  I told Victor that I would name him “Wolf Blitzer” and that I would use him as a sleeping bag on cold airplanes (and also to menace anyone who took my arm-rest.)  Victor pointed out that airport security gets uptight about snow globes and nail-clippers so they probably wouldn’t let me bring a wolf on a plane as carry-on, but I was already formulating a plan to make Wolf Blitzer my service-animal-companion since I have chronic panic attacks, and airplanes have to recognize disabilities.  Like the disability of not being able to be relax on a cold plane without some xanax and a dead wolf snuggie named Wolf Blitzer.  Victor started to argue with me but then he gave up because Wolf Blitzer was very expensive and he knew I couldn’t justify paying that much for a blanket with claws.  And he was right.  Which is why I immediately went on Kickstarter to submit an application for a fundraiser to help me pay for a dead wolf to wear on plane rides.  I labeled it under “Performance Art” and promised to repay patrons by sharing photos of me wearing it to the Twilight opening.

**********

Kickstarter responded almost immediately:  “Thank you for taking the time to share your idea. Unfortunately, this isn’t the right fit for Kickstarter.”  Because apparently Kickstarter doesn’t appreciate helping people with disabilities.

**********

I was about to give up when I found out that the person I’d originally chosen to read my audiobook (James Earl Jones) was not responding to my emails and so instead I would have to read my own damn book, and I told my agent that I’d do it but only if I could be paid in dead wolf snuggies.  Then there was an awkward pause and I explained that I’d wear it while recording my book, and that way Wolf Blitzer would be a tax deduction, and she said she needed to go.  Probably because talking about tax law is super-boring.

**********

When I explained to Zhon (the girl who made Wolf Blitzer) that I needed him quickly (because I was Team Jacob and needed him for opening weekend) she didn’t even pause to question me.  Because she’s awesome.  And also because she once made a life-size Tauntaun to wear, so she’s really not in any position to judge me.

**********

me: I just bought Wolf Blitzer so that I can wear him to see Twilight-part-whatever, but you can’t yell at me because he didn’t cost anything.

Victor:  How the hell did that happen?

me:  I bartered for him in trade for narrating my own audiobook.

Victor:  AND THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FINANCIAL DECISIONS WITHOUT ME.

me:  No way.  That was a great financial decision.  I feel all in touch with my 1/64th Native American heritage.  I just bartered a story for a dead wolf head-dress.  I’m like Pocahontas, but with an audiobook.

Victor:  My head hurts.

**********

Wolf Blitzer arrived.  And he was MAGNIFICENT.  But Victor refused to take me and my dead wolf to the movies because apparently he’s Team Edward.  Luckily, my friends Maile and Laura were willing to come along for the ride.  Laura dressed up as a member of the Volturi because we thought it would be funny to have some sort of West Side Story dance-fight at the theater.  Maile hadn’t actually read the Twilight books and so I tried to convince her to wear my Bigfoot costume, and I told her that Bigfoot totally played a huge part in this movie.  And then at the end I’d be like “I can’t believe they cut the Bigfoot part out!  He was so integral to the book!” but Maile has known me for far too long to trust me and so instead she dressed up as a very cynical friend who doesn’t understand how fun it is to wear a Bigfoot costume to the movies.

**********

We laughed.  We cried.  Maile saw some very conservative looking friends and casually  introduced Laura and I without explaining at all why we were dressed as werewolves and Draculas.  I took a picture with a very brave stranger who asked what my deal was.  I told her I was here to see the Muppet Movie.  She looked confused.

My work there was done.

**********

 You want pictures, don’t you?  Fine.  Here they are.  Because Wolf Blitzer and I love you.  Much more than Kickstarter does.  Apparently.

Buying my ticket. And yes, it was a little embarrassing. A women in her 30's going to see Twilight, I mean. Not wearing Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer is awesome.
"Holy crap, is that a Volturi? Don'tcomeoverhereDon'tcomeoverhereDon't - Oh shit."
It's fine. She's tweeting. Just keep your head down and she probably won't even notice.

 

Fuck. She noticed. Awk-ward.

Eventually they let us into the theater and we drank copiously.  Laura and I rooted for our respective teams and Maile photographed the debacle.  It’s sort of amazing that we weren’t kicked out of the theater.

Twilight movies are like the girl version of watching the Superbowl. In that they can only be enjoyed when really drunk.

And it was awesome, except for the part when all the werewolves started talking to each other WITH THEIR MINDS and then it got really stupid and I leaned over to Laura and Maile and whispered, “Okay.  Right now, for the first time all night?  I’m kind of embarrassed to be wearing a giant wolf suit.”  And they nodded sympathetically, because that’s what good friends do.

The magic of the theater. And friends. And Wolf Blitzer.

527 thoughts on “It’s like a hoodie. But with fangs.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I’m so insanely jealous! I want a Wolfe Blitzer of my very own, plus I wish my best friend lived closer. Sigh…why did I choose to live in Alaska? Thanks for giving me the giggles while I try my damnedest to conquer this horrid cold.

  9. Tomorrow when my mother goes around the table and asks each person to name one thing he or she is thankful for, I’m going to say, “Jenny Lawson wearing Wolf Blitzer.”

    Later that night, when I’m eating Thanksgiving dinner at Chuck-a-rama because my mother kicked me out of her house, it will have totally been worth it.

  10. And if you get tired of calling him Wolf Blitzer, you can now just call him Blitz and know that it’s Herman Cain™ approved!

    Oooh, did I just trademark Herman Cain’s name? Oh snap!

  11. OMG. Bloggess. How I love thee. And wish you lived in California so my friend Nikki and I could partake in your shenanigans. I kid you not, Nikki and I will walk through a Beverley’s/Michael’s/Ikea and can’t be trusted to not wear/touch throughout the store. It’s a wonder we haven’t been kicked out yet. I wish I could attach a pic onto this comment to prove that Nikki was Team Jacob months ago. It was a hat/scarf/wolf combo but it was entirely too hot to purchase so we left it behind. Anyway, you are so randomly awesome and you should really consider comin’ out here to California, I guarantee you’d have a motley crew at your beck and call. 😛

  15. JELLIS.

    dammit. I wanted to leave that to stand on its own, but I feel obligated to mention that I do know how to spell Jealous, I just wanted to spell it wrong.

  16. OK. If I have to see the Twilight movies, I will only watch it if Jenny is there wearing Wolf Blitzer.

    Who votes for a nationwide movie theater tour?

  17. I feel so abnormal most of the time. And then I read your blog and feel super normal but laugh like a crazy person. I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog last year.

  19. This world needs more Wolf Blitzer. I would stalk the aisles of my grocery store, hunter-gathering my heart out. It would be awesome.

  21. You look very warm and cozy wearing Wolf Blitzer, I think it was an excellent purchase.
    But even better because you bartered for him.
    You’re a total package Jenny, beauty and brains. Yay you.

  24. Oh Lord! There are no words. Well, maybe there’s one – envy. Wolf Blitzer envy. Why is it that I can instantly think of 10 things I could do with that dead wolf? Can you not envision grocery shopping in that? No, no, school!!! Or, wait…

  25. If you ever get the chance to meet Wolf Blitzer, please promise me you’ll wear Wolf Blitzer.

    Feel free to “confuse” the two. On air.

  27. though dead & stuffed (does it count as stuffed if it’s a person inside?) he REALLY looks bored in that tweeting volturi photo! Maybe a cameo in PT 2? P.s. what does a humanely taxidermied wolf who died of kidney failure smell like exactly?

  28. Frankly… Words don’t describe how awesome/amazing/insane this, and you are… So happy you GOT IT!

  29. And here I thought my son in his velvet leopard print cat suit in Target was getting a lot of looks…

    Wolf Blitzer is seriously the coolest thing ever.

  30. How embarassing is it for a grown woman to wet her pants while sitting up in a fancy-schmancy bed belonging to her dear, sweet, generous friend who is hosting her for an ENTIRE WEEK so she can get the hell out of Middle of Nowhere, Michigan because she needs a break forgodssake, happily surfing the internets, catching up on blogs she hasn’t had time to read when all of a sudden out of freaking nowhere comes a story about a television journalist-turned-lycanthrope and the giddy woman who bought him, and the grown woman wonders if perhaps that’s not some sort of prostitution, but decides it must not be if one isn’t actually doing the wolfy deed with the Blitz and the very thought of that has an effect on the margarita-filled bladder of said woman and dammit…just how embarassing do you suppose it is to try to explain the pile of laundry generated by one flipping blog post? Very. Just, very.

  31. Oh. My. Gawd.
    You cannot get any more awesome. No, really, you can’t. And I am so showing this to Mr.Spouse, so that he will finally understand that things like this are BUSINESS NECESSITIES! (He’s still convinced I don’t need a life sized elephant topiary in my office, the rube)

  34. Between the mental health resources and this, I don’t know what to be most thankful for at dinner tomorrow. I’ll probably just say The Bloggess.

  35. I’m pretty sure the drafthouse has never thrown anyone out for any reason. My favourite part: “I told her I was here to see the Muppet Movie”. I have nothing clever to say because you have used it all up today. But I will be back. And i *will* be clever!

  37. Thank you for sharing the photos! I needed that chuckle 🙂

    I went in costume too- as a heavily pregnant woman. Except I wasn’t carrying a moster vampire baby. And it wasn’t really a costume. It was just a coincidence. It was a little embarrassing actually, LOL. Awk.ward.

    I’m sure you got much more interesting reactions though! I would have loved to have seen those: priceless.

  38. I’m glad you didn’t go to the Alamo Village premiere. That would have been AWKWARD and all since I was wearing my Robert Pattin-skin snuggie.

  41. Best part? Wolf Blitzer can TOTALLY double as a wolfy version of a bear-skin rug when you’re not wearing him… no more guilt about leaving your clothes on the floor! Score.

  42. Whenever anyone points out that having mannequins and other assorted body parts in my home doesn’t qualify as interior decorating, it’s comforting to know there’s one person who would understand, and (hopefully) approve. Keep being you, Jenny. You are awesome.

  43. Is it a little bit sad that the first thing I noticed is that you and I have the same glasses? I think this means we’re meant to be best friends or something. Only I don’t have a wolf costume. I did dress up as a zombie last year though. Zombies and werewolves can be friends, right?

  45. Its the Alamo draft house – excellence in silliness is encouraged, they only kick you out for using your phone.

  49. I just laughed so hard that I accidentally snorted porridge out of my nose. (For context, I’m currently eating breakfast.)
    It wasn’t very nice.

  50. Ok so now I’m late for work because I wasted a good few minutes rolling around laughing then another few being reprimanded by a 3 year old mini me for not being able to control myself. Its all good though as I can explain to the boss that I saw a woman in a wolf at the cinema and it made me late …

  54. I don’t even have the words to say how much I love you. You might possibly be the most awesome person I dont know but wish I did.

  55. I have been keeping completely ignorant of the Twilight series because I can’t let anything get in the way of my Harry Potter fanatacism. Also, the plot sounded annoying, and the characters.
    Now, for the first time, because of the pictures of you and Wolf Blitzer, I feel a tiny tingling at the back of my head. . . . Could be interest in Twilight. . . . Could be discomfort at how sexy I think you look are in a wolf suit.
    Also, thank you for introducing me to the term, “ethically taxidermied.” I think.

  56. Oh my fucking Christ you look hot in Wolf Blitzer! Also? Gorgeous Volturi. I would have liked to seen the Suspicious Friend, though.

    I wish I had your balls. And now I’m hoping you don’t have Wolf Blitzer’s balls….

    Brava, madame. Brava!

  59. Wowzers. I don’t think the ag inspectors would let me wear that on the plane, but I really hope someone in TX lets it slide. Because I’ll bet if someone was kicking the back of your seat, and you just turned Blitz’s head around to glare at them over the headrest, they would TOTALLY STOP DOING THAT.

  61. I know this sounds weird coming from a non-confused straight woman, but you look *totally* hot in Wolf Blitzer. Like not temperature, just really, really pretty. This leaves me confused.

  62. Speechless, absolutely speechless!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    But I can still write. Thanks for that it is 7.19 and I am sitting here before work contemplating a shit day and here you are again, making the world seem Ok even as I choke on my weetabix…… You are a star in a dull universe

  63. I’ll admit it. I have a not-so-small crush on you, Bloggess. Especially as Wolf Blitzer Bloggess. Thanks for the laughs!

  65. I was wondering how you were drinking at the theater, then I saw the counters and thought “Wait, is she at the fucking Drafthouse? I love that place!”. Sure enough, there were the signs for The Drafthouse in the earlier pictures. Doh! But in my defense I was so overwhelmed by the magnificence of Wolf Blitzer that it was easy to overlook anything else.

  66. 2 things…….
    first…..HOLY SHIT BALLS I love this!!!
    second…thank you! Today is my birthday and yes…I am fully aware every few years it falls on freaking Thanksgiving…This post was the PERFECT way to start this day…and as the day wears I will think of you wearing Wolf Blitzer and I will laugh my freaking ass off!!!

  67. Fekkin’ BANGIN!!!!

    I laughed so loud at JessicaZombie’s comment. “I noticed that you and I have the same glasses?”. You’re wearing a fucking wolf and she notices yer spex! Priceless.

  69. So that wolf thing is made out of awesome.

    And that wolf mind talking scene was so bad, I was embarassed for everyone involved, including the craft services guy.

  72. (I think I’m the seventeenth person to say “awesome” in the comments. I guess that means awesome is what it is. It’s unanimous.

  73. Hahahaha oh sweet mercy! Wolf Blitzer is pure awesome. You look SO hawt. I bow to thee chanting ‘I’m not worthy!’ a million times over.

    I haven’t read the Twilight series, nor seen any of the movies and I think I’d rather gauge my eyes out with a spork before I watched them, unless you’d be going with me wearing Wolf Blitzer, then I’d go willingly and proudly and watch them all – smiling happily all the time. Promise!

  75. When I started reading this I was hoping there would be pictures but nothing could have prepared me for the awesomeness that I saw. Thank you for being you!

  77. I gotta give it up for Viktor. Every comedy duo needs its straight man and Viktor, bless his heart, does his job very well. ; } And now I am officially homesick hearing about you and your girls having beers at the Alamo. Have a super T-day and make sure Wolf gets a little turkey, too.

  78. My birthday’s not til Friday, but man oh man this makes an awesome present for me too 😉 I’m pretty sure the only thing better would be reversing time and attending with you. You look totally hot as a wolf.

  79. I make my 16 year old daughter read your blog when its so funny I have to share. Tonight she finally asked, “Are all these written by the same person doing all this stuff?” After I answered yes she asked “What’s wrong with her?” I promptly told her, “You know she’s someone’s Mom. Guess I’m not so bad afterall.” To which she immediately gasped and corrected me by declaring, “Are you kidding?!! She’d be AWESOME!” I agree. You are full of win. And on a side note those pics of you in Wolf Blitzer sitting on the bench totally look like something from a high-fashion mag!

  80. Only you could pull off Wolf Blitzer. Except for maybe Wolf Blitzer.

    And yes I had to Google “Wolf Blitzer”. I was pretty sure he was a person, but whenever I’m in doubt I Google.

  81. You make me proud to be a woman! If you come to Nashville bring Wolf Blitzer. I’ll dress up as Red Riding Hood and we’ll go out to the country bars and freak out the locals. Although, they probably have guns. Might be a bad idea. And, how bad is it that I want that friggin Tauntaun?! That girls got talent!!!

  82. I think they should pull the movie from theaters, re-cast the wolf dudes with you and Wolf Blitzer, then re-release it. You could play every wolf. It would be like Back to the Future, or every Eddie Murphie movie ever made. Actually, I think you and Wolf Blitzer should play all the rolls:

    “Oh Jenny Wolf Blitzer, your skin is so cold” Jenny Wolf Blitzer said, her fingers resting on the chest of Jenny Wolf Blizter.
    “Jenny Wolf Blitzer, you help me feel I could be warm again,” said Jenny Wolf Blitzer.
    “Don’t leave me, Jenny Wolf Blitzer,” Jenny Wolf Blitzer sobbed.

    I haven’t read the books or seen the movie, so that was my best guess of how the dialogue goes.

  83. I am surprised and amused.

    Did they give you money as well as Wolf Blitzer? Because cool as that is, having to read your own freaking audiobook seems like it’s worth some money to roll in as well. While wearing your wolf suit.

  84. I’m not supposed to ever say things like this, I know, but the fact that I consider all of you (including Sue) friends makes me so fucking happy I can’t see straight. I’m doing something right, I just know it. I like being a degree away from all of this. Sue me.

    I love y’all. I love you. There is just no end to the things you do and how perfect they are in this world in 2011. You make me want to punch through every barrier to the real, crazy, best deal and that is why I’m so very grateful that I know you.

    Also, taxidermied wolf.

    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JENNIFER LAWSON.

  88. well shit. that’s made the entire effing week worth all the caca! BWA HAHAHA!

    gosh. i am so thankful for your shenanigans!

  89. You and your friends are fabulous! I hope the others at the theater appreciated how lucky they were to be there with you. :>

  90. You are fabulous. I just love this so damn much… I think it’s hilarious that when someone sees an interesting dead animal, you are the person that they think of to contact.
    This website makes my day every time I read it.
    THANK YOU!!

  92. You are made of awesome. Wolf Blitzer is a wonderful investment. Maybe if you point out to Victor that in addition to being suitable attire for seeing a Twilight movie, it can also be worn for any Red Riding Hood or werewolf movies plus any production of Peter & the Wolf, he will understand that you have mad barter skills. I mean, come on, Peter & the Wolf has an orchestra and requires fancy dress and Wolf Blitzer is clearly fancy.

  93. Today I am thankful for you.

    And I’ll totally narrate your audiobook for you , if you like 🙂

  95. You look so good in those photos that I’m genuinely starting to wonder if I now have a taxidermied wolf fetish.

    You are my hero. 😀

  96. Again with the laughing with bronchitis, but it is sooooooo worth it to read your posts!! I love the wolf suit. I love wolves period, so I am glad to hear he died of old age and wasn’t killed randomly. Checking that makes you beyond super awesome!! 🙂

  97. Apart from the excellency that is a wolf that you can wear… can I just say, you and your friends a definitely repping the wolf/vampire look with some fierce wolf-sexiness… if that’s possible. I think it is. You seem to be doing it.

  98. I am 1/8th friggin American Indian and NO ONE ever gave me a friggin wolf headdress, which is so racist I want to howl at the moon but I can’t because I don’t have a friggin wolf suit.

    Who CARES that it’s coyotes that howl at the moon, and not wolves. This is NOT about that.

    Anyway, I will narrate your book for free if you let me wear Wolf Blitzer to a New Zealand meeting of Greenpeace, because they will totally get it.

    You should probably insure the wolf suit just in case.

  100. It’s hysterical that the rest of the theater was empty. Did all of the other patrons run away from your awesomeness? Or did you … go in the middle of the day? (I’m imagining the other patrons were real vampires and thus did not show up on film.)

  101. Oh wow! That’s pretty fucking amazing! Though it’s a wonder you weren’t attacked by all the Team Edward supporters. Teenage girls are vicious.

  102. I was unaware that you were part Native American. Surely, that is a PETA accepted reason for wearing fur! And,if they give you any more hassle, just ask them if they know who else was a vegetarian and an anti-vivsectionist.
    Adolf Hitler, that’s who. It’s totally true. You can look it up on Wikipedia. Seriously.

    Also? That post was made of awesome.

  104. As I was reading, I kept hoping you would post a picture of this awesomeness…. and as usual, you did not disappoint!!
    HIGH-LARIOUS!

  108. Just clarifying that before when I said institutionalised I meant it in a ‘oh you crazy funny thing you’ way not in a lock you up kind of way because trust me you would totally be joining me, if this were the 50’s and they still had asylums. I wonder if you can wear wolves in asylums, I bet you can, and you wouldn’t be the crazy one because that other chick draws pictures with her feces.

  111. I think I’m in love… With Wolf Blitzer, that is. I don’t think my professor understands why I suddenly find phonetics hilarious. 😀

  112. I can see this catching on like the Travelling Red Dress: allowing women everywhere to celebrate their impulsive, beautiful and – ultimately – wolfish side. The world needs more Wolf Blitzers!
    xoxo

  113. So.. like.. why isn’t Will -the paper collater – Wheaton doing the narrative? He so owes you. Without you he’d be “will who”?

  115. You should send Wolf Blitzer on walkabout. We can take turns keeping him for a week and blogging our adventures before we send him on to the next person. Me first.

  116. After I read your stories (and stop hiccuping from laughter) I can never decide if I love you or Victor more. (It’s you. But not by much.)

  117. I just laughed so hard, I woke up my baby. This is possibly one of the greatest things I have ever read.

  118. I’d need to be less drunk to wear a dead wolf than I would be to voluntarily cough up money to watch any Twilight movie.

    Cue PETA reps in 3… 2… 1….

  120. You are amazing! I can’t believe you actually got that wolf. Wearing it to the Twilight film was a no brainer. I think even I would have done that. I’d be more embarrassed to go to the movie than wearing a full blown wolf outfit in public.

  122. Where to start!
    You worked “carry-on” into talking about a dead wolf – because you’re awesome.
    Pocahontas totally needed an audiobook – awesome.
    You’ll totally read better than James Earl Jones, though I think you’re book would be good read by Samuel L Jackson.
    I totally went to the premiere dressed as the cynical friend who doesn’t understand how much fun it is to wear a Bigfoot costume in public, but I do get brownie points (self inflicted brownie points) for wearing a ‘Team Alice’ shirt and going with 6 women.
    Yeah, ESP wolf-talk was lame!
    Oh, and you’re totally hot in picture 2.
    I’m totally going to stop saying totally now.

    WG

  123. OMG I can’t believe they bought you Wolf Blitzer. Your Publisher ROCKS! and it really is amazing (if completely and utterly creepy)
    have fun!!!!

  124. I’ve never been more sincere about a cliche in all my life: thank you for being you.

  125. I’m doing my best to understand why I’m not surprised.

    I can not believe Beyonce’ wasn’t sitting right there with you.

    Wolves love chickens, you know?

  126. Do the legs knock against you when you walk? Are the toenails still on? Because if so, you’re going to want to be careful about not wearing your best hosiery with Wolf Blitzer.

  127. Oh my sweet, sweet Lord in heaven… I FUCKING LOVE YOU. There aren’t words for how much I needed this post.

    MASSIVE congratulations on Wolf Blitzer. He’s awesome. But not as awesome as you are.

    You need to dress Beyoncé up on the Wolf Suit. Because wolves swallow chickens. We know that from cartoons. You can clip Copernicus to his nose and pose the cobra vs mongoose montage in front of the scene and have Hamlet von Schnitzel in front narrating the scene.

    Also, I need a black 1950s cocktail dress. And combat boots. For a photo shoot for my blog. Because I don’t have the vaginal fortitude to pull off wearing a dead wolf.

    Coming soon to my blog: photos of my madcap friends who are HUGE fans of yours… posing with Jay-Z, the giant metal peacock we bought in your honour.

  128. Wait… when did you add the moderation requirement, or has it always been there and I’m just too ADD and/or drunk most of the time to have noticed?

  131. …and this is why I live my life vicariously through you…and it makes me SOOOO happy. The smile on my face should last the rest of the day. You are the definition of “awesome”.

    Beyonce and Blitzer getting together for drinks later?

  132. You are a very brave woman. Not just about the dead wolf pelt thing, but because you dared to call a sparkle vamp movie ‘stupid’. On the internet. May God of SEO and Google be watching over you and your loved ones so that sparkling fans don’t show up en masse at your door to defend Edward’s honor.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  133. When you wear Wolf Blitzer you remind me of Princess Mononoke.

    I hated the mind reading part too. It was too cheesy.

  136. That is the best wig you have ever worn. You might need to ship it to yourself for events like BlogHer, but Wolf Blitzer will be totally bad-ass in the Ladies Room.

  139. Ok, I spend a fair amount of time out and about, shopping in lots of different stores and places. I spend way too much time on the web, surfing in unlikely places. And I am hardly what anyone would call “normal” (Thank God!). But in all my time doing these things, I have never, ever seen giant metal chicken sculptures, stuffed monkeys with leprous faces, or wearable full wolf pelts. Quite clearly, when you do these things, you quite routinely forget to make the planned left turn at Albuquerque.

    Hats off to you for once again leaving Victor speechless!

  142. If I were your friend I would have worn sparkly lip gloss so that onlookers might get the impression that it’s from giving vamps BJ’s.

  144. You are now also totally set for Game of Thrones (season 2 starts in April.) Wolf Blitzer just goes so many places!

    I also think you should ask Wil W to read your book. I bet he would. Or NPH.

  145. I would have worn the big foot costume! I once dressed as a life size California Raisin to go skating…..and a silver skidoo suit to humiliate my friends while tobogganing. The only thing I found weird…..your movie theatres have tables infront of each seat??

  149. Am I the only one who thinks this whole Team Edward / Team Jacob choice is kinda wrong? Basically aren’t they just asking us to choose between Necrophilia and Bestiality? Can I state for the record…if there is a human interest…I’ll be on his team! …just saying! 🙂

  151. This presents a problem — when I see a person wearing a wolf outfit, how can I tell if they have a perfectly logical reason (like you do) or if they are foam-at-the-mouth crazy?

    P.S. It looks like there are no people sitting near you two in the theatre. I wonder why.

  152. Shit, I scared the cat and may have to change my pants before I go to my mom’s house.

  153. You should also wear Wolf to the pet store every time you need to shop for your cats. Then you’d be like a big wolf who owns a bunch of cats, which is silly because why would a wolf go to the pet store for his cats? He’d go for himself. Actually, come to think of it, what did your cats think of your giant wolf outfit? I imagine that would be pretty awkward as well.

  154. You’re probably the best person ever! In that you make wearing a wolves hide look chic. Laughed my ass off! Thanks for a great start to my day!! 🙂

  160. “I told Victor that I would name him Wolf Blitzer”

    It’s like there’s nothing you can do about that joke, it’s coming and you just have to stand there.

  162. Wolf Blitzer is most awesome, but what’s most amazing is how natural you look in him. It kind of looks like one of those strange photo shoots that Tyra sets up on ANTM. lol

  167. Jenny you are everything I aspire to be in life. You have made my very shitty day bearable. Thank you.

  170. I can imagine all the guys pointing you out to their friends, saying “That wolf has great legs!” I’ll bet you and your friends caused a lot of guys to recieve a nasty look and an elbow in the ribs from jealous girlfriends.

  171. Oh my God! You got it! I’ve been wondering what happened with all that. This really was brilliant! Wait til the IRS sees the pictures! They’ll give you extra deductions just for making them giggle for the first time in their lives.

  175. Oh. My. God. This is amazing. I love how smart you were about bartering for this totally necessary item. Thank you for taking photos. THANK YOU!

  176. Please be careful if you are ever traveling the Candian wilderness while wearing that. From one dominant female to the other, those female wolves can be real bitches.

  179. You are the coolest person I don’t know but totally pretend I know. I prove our pretend friendship by showing that you are following me on Pinterest. That totally means we are BFF.

  180. OH MY GOD, my dogs just looked at me and wondered what in the hell is going on!! That’s freaking HYSTERICAL!!!!

  186. I see no reason why TSA wouldn’t allow you to take Wolf Blitzer on to an airplane.

    Also, how to get around KickStarter: just tell them you’re starting your own #Occupy movement, called #OccupyWolfSkin. Or, pitch it as a full-body condom – with teeth.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    ~EdT.

  188. I just added wolf snuggie to my Christmas list, right after Rockette lessons. And then gave it to my husband.

    And he was all “I…..am just going to get you jewelry.”

    I have NO idea why I married him sometimes.

  190. Oh my freakin’ goodness! Hysterical!
    I went to see it with my daughter yesterday, sans a wolf suit. Yes, telepathic wolf conversations are the dumbest thing ever. Like, ever in the history of ever.
    But outside of said ridiculous in-the-head-wolf-discussions, Team Jacob = awesome!

  191. So many kinds of awesome, I can’t comment. The only good thing about “Twilight” is that it allowed you to get Wolf Blitzer.

  192. Yet again, if ever my friends and work colleagues think I’m slightly left of centre, I just point them in the direction of your blog. Brilliant!

    I’m going to see this movie at the weekend but now I am going to feel underdressed whatever I wear.

  193. I have no words to describe your awesomeness. – Except for right there. Thank you for expressing your faboo self in all it’s glory and bringing us panic-attack, depression-fighting, wish-we-had-Wolf-Blitzers-of-our-own Soul Sisters some glee (but not always of the singing variety) and inspiration to be who we are with megaphones. – But quiet ones otherwise we’ll get kicked out of the theatre. And libraries where we are reading up on how to craft our own Wolf-Blitzers. I will, once again, celebrate and affirm who we uniquely are by doing my impersonation of a marauding Godzilla (technically an “imZilla-ation”?) while here in the office. I’m sure the accountants and software programmers I work with will appreciate it to no end and be inspired to express themselves similarly. Thank you.
    p.s. Yes, we need some cards or something with the Wolf Blitzer photos on them, especially of the one where you’re sitting on the bench, waiting for the movie. It says so much and a card with that on it would help express the sentiment of so many occasions. I’m running out now to buy stamps. Don’t tell my boss.

  194. Are you like my sister? Because I totally think we could be sisters. I too buy weird things *did you know that there really is a NARWHAL* I only say this because I am making 25…I could make 26 and send one to you for all the Culinary Students in my class. Because we are now Team Narwhal. That was random and I’m sorry about that. But I’m really not. And if you want a narwhal just let me know, I’ll make you one too! And I love you and I too would like a wolf pelt. I wish I knew they had exsisted because I saw Twilight at Midnight *well 8pm* and that would have been awesome to wear. No one would have MESSED WITH ME! So yeah. <3 More pics please!

  195. I just want you to know that I think you are HILARIOUS!!!! Remember this comment and the others below when you are having a dark day! You have a real talent for making people laugh! Take care xx

  196. When were you planning to explain how the cocktail dress and ballerina flats complement Wolf Blitzer? In my dream, he ate the office admin we all hated in a fit of awesomeness at the company Christmas party.

  197. How come we don’t have theaters like that??? What a concept, give people booze while watching a movie…Canadians just don’t think of shit like that.

    I am totally pinning this, you guys are my heroes…

  198. Okay, seriously, I’ve NEVER SEEN A STUFFED/DEAD/WEARABLE animal in public ever, and being a military brat/spouse, I’ve lived ALL OVER. How on EARTH do you stumble across these things?! I mean, I’ve spent… at least 25% of my life in Texas (East, Central, South) and still. Unless they’re hung on someone’s wall staring at me with dead, marble eyes (which are usually crossed), I’ve never seen one!! But you find them EVERYWHERE. I’m beginning to think you have an odd taxidermist stalker.

  199. I only need to know if Wolf Blizter smells. Because I imagine that a taxidermied wolf that died of kidney failure would smell unique and not delish.

  200. Love it ..just one thing, you have to take out Victor’s logic chip! Or, is that the only modicum of sanity that exists in the family.. Happy Thanksgiving you mad, wonderful, talented lady!

  201. You need to wear the epic red dress while donning Wolf Blitzer. Then call up the New Yorker and tell them you have never seen photos of Wolf Blitzer in a red dress. That would top it all! And if you do this, I have to tag along.

  202. This Wolf Blitzer thing really has legs! (I’m so punny.) You could incorporate him into other gatherings, too. For Thanksgiving, everyone could come dressed in their favorite taxidermy and you could wear Wolf Blitzer again!

    …or is taxidermy like Academy Awards dresses?: you can only wear each dead wolf once or else people will talk.

  204. My dearest Jenny, you are our greatest joy. Seriously. Instead of gossiping, when the gals and I get together, we read your blog aloud. And we hereby volunteer to do your book!
    Hugs and kisses to the funniest broad we know and thanks for the laughs!

  207. OMG – you are my hero. Hysterical! When I see you’ve posted something new I stop everything I am doing to read it – and it’s always worth it! You’re a genius!

  209. This is the first thing I read on this Thanksgiving morning…and it will set the tone for the rest of the day. So many kinds of awesome…can’t come up with words! Except…thanks for being you and having such awesome partners in crime and for sharing all the awesome/weirdness with us.

  210. You’ll just have to be wary of people trying to have sex on you, because that’s what they do on fur rugs. Unless it’s your fur sex rug, in which case you’re on the wrong side.

  211. Damn, girl! You are wonderful!! I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed and begin this ridiculous tradition of cooking food we never eat the rest of the year because would anyone really appreciate it anyway?? Yes, I was in that kind of mood this morning. I was about to bite someone’s head off or something, and so I thought to myself: You need intervention, NOW. So I typed in your blog address. And, I’m going to be honest with you: I was thinking: damn bloggess, She probably won’t even have a new post up, cause her vagina tried to kill her and it’s Thanksgiving, so she’s probably off enjoying her family, not even thinking about me (us) who rely on her for funny thoughts; so inconsiderate. . . And then, without knowing it, you bitch slapped me upside the head with the FUNNIEST POST EVER!. After reading about Wolf Blitzer, I was laughing and knew then that I could do any type of food prep because all is right with the world because a wolf attended a Twilight movie. You have made me furiously happy.

  215. Jenny, I love you so much. I think the Drafthouse should ask you and WolfBlitzer to do one of their “talk and we’ll kick your ass out” ads. You could sneak up on the talking person and pretend to attack them and it would totally scare the shit out of them.

  216. Totally effing awesome! I love doing crazy things like this in public, especially just to see people looking at me like “WTF?!”. And I thought my cooked turkey hat I’m wearing to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner was going to be amusing. Amusing only because I became a vegetarian a few months ago and this is my first Thanksgiving without eating turkey. Irony = amusing in my book! But Wolf Blitzer has blown that out of the water. Damn you, you’ve one-upped me yet again! Someday I will be almost as awesome as you. Someday…

  217. Could Wolf Blitzer turn into ‘The traveling wolf of badassery”??? It would be like the traveling red dress; but more BADASS!!!!!!!!!

  219. Wolfblitzer totally needs to go on tour – and his first stop should be my house. It’s in Canada – it’s cold here – so he’ll totally be useful. Plus, I’m pregnant and totally need pregnant belly photos while wearing him.

    I’m so jealous.

  221. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard ‘and this is why you can’t make financial decisions without me.’ 🙂 But in the end, everyone’s happy and forgets that I had to spend money to bring something fantastic home for everyone’s enjoyment, so really it’s a win-win.

  223. Not since Knock Knock Mother-Fucker have I laughed this hard. Seriously.

    The picture of you buying the ticket? CLASSIC!!!

  225. I totally agree that the werewolves talking with their minds was the worst part of the whole movie. And although I love the story, the whole I had sex, got pregnant and ALMOST DIED part…is a little ridiculous, too.

  226. OMG… I so needed this post today! Thank you, Jenny. Crazy is as Crazy does and lady, you should be nominated for Queen of the Crazy. <3 your posts and your sense of humor. *so wishes she had a Wolf Blitzer*

  230. Wolf blitzer is a totally slimming look.
    Thank you for making your humble fans furiously happy.

  234. This is just amazing. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t wait to get drunk with my best friends and go watch that movie. Not for the movie, because Twilight sucks. But for the getting wasted with my friends part.

  236. Now I want a Wolf Blitzer. And not the lame-o CNN one.

    When it comes to Twilight, I’m team Couldn’t-Give-a-Shit … you think that matters when it comes to securing my own hoodie?

  238. I’m beyond jealous… I can’t even get anyone to go with me to the movies when I wear my “regular” fur-lined hoodie… and, it’s soooo not real fur, no fangs and – ok – not nearly as cool. And, you can not only pull off a full wolf hoodie but you also have friends who will join you. Have I mentioned I hate you?

  241. So I totally lmao at this, but from the beginning of the post I couldn’t help but wonder if Wolf Blitzer smells weird. Lol.

  242. “It’s sort of amazing that we weren’t kicked out of the theater.” Yes. Yes it is. Unless they were WAY too afraid of you both 😉 And. Need I reiterate? You (AND Laura) are totally made of awesome.

  247. I bet if Victor think that if he had done the negotiation he would have gotten Tatum too. Which would have been AWESOME.

  250. Girl, PETA can suck it! That wolf would be proud to be so useful and bring so much joy. They don’t actually help animals anyway. They just make commercials with naked actresses (not known for their brains to begin with, poor dears) to help “raise awareness”. And money, of course, but not to actually help animals, which is just as fine anyway, as animals live by the creed “only the strongest survive” and do not appreciate all the “help” from PETA.

  251. O.M.F.G. – you get the coolest dead animal stuff! I’ve been wanting a taxidermed squirrel forever and my hubby says no but you get to have multiple ones!?!? I love the fact the Victor just lets the whole thing drop after you get your way!

    PS – I am totally Team Edward and I saw the new Twilight movie and thought i was going to piss myself laughing between the really bad imprinting scene and the Transformer like voices of the wolves talking to each other.

  253. Somehow on you Wolf Blitzer doesn’t seem the least bit strange. I wonder why that is. I just hope James Garfield and Copernicus don’t get jealous since you never really take them out and about.

  254. I have never before in my life wanted to be BFF’s with anyone the way I want to be yours! You are fucking hilarious and so random that I think we are twins separated at birth!!!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours Jenny! And keep flying that freak flag of yours!!!

  256. For the record, I would happily (for free) record your audiobook. I’ve been told I have a very nice voice. In fact, my voice has gotten me a couple of jobs (I promise they weren’t phone sex jobs!)

    Wolf Blitzer looks like he was tailor made for you! Plus, you’re being environmentally responsible for re-using his pelt, so maybe you can barter for some carbon offsets, too!

  258. I had no idea wolf hoodies worked for panic attacks. You seriously need to market that shit. Feeling nervous? Beginning to hyperventilate? Just remember you are wearing a WOLF PELT!!! If something makes you nervous, JUST BITE IT WITH YOUR WOLF TEETH!!!

    I’m pretty sure that would calm anyone down.

  261. I so totally know that theater….and if I had a wolf blitzer, I might go to a movie. However, I don’t think I could go see Twilight. That way I can keep my membership to NASTY (No, Ain’t Seen Twilight Yet). Maybe I could wear a Wolf Blitzer to see Hugo? I could do that. Yeah. Or maybe some elf ears.

  264. Holy crap! I am laughing so hard I am crying and people are due here any moment. You are so awesome!!!

  266. Totally. Dying. Here.

    Can I be you when I grow up? Oh wait, I’m already gonna be my friend Mickey when I grow up, but maybe I can be you for a year or two before I become Mickey. 😀

    Seriously, I was wiping away tears before I got to the pictures….. WOLF BLITZER IS AWESOME!!

  270. From the minute I saw the original Wolf Blitzer picture I was like oh hell yea! Tell me she bought that shit!

  275. My 3 problems with this otherwise fine film (CAUTION – SPOILERS!)

    (1) Same as you, Jenny. HATED when wolves began their mind talking. (It was like ‘G-Force,’ except with werewolves.)

    (2) When Edward’s venom was flying through Bella’s veins, it reminded me of the opening credits of ‘Look Who’s Talking.’ (Another awful movie to which I have been exposed.)

    (3) Renesmee? Okay, I have no cheesy movie references for this one but, as a Michele with one “L,” I’m here to say that this kid has NO shot at finding a personalized name plate for her bike. None. Poor mudblood vampire. (Fine. Technically, that IS a movie reference
    … but it’s an awesome one so it doesn’t count.)

    Seriously, I hope your movie theater offers a re-release of ‘Dances with Wolves’ soon. Not only will you be a legend wearing it there, but you’ll also be able to tell Victor that the outfit practically paid for itself by then!

  277. This is so what me and my goofy barn friends would attempt to do… the problem is, I’m 49 years old, they’re all teenagers, I’m supposed to be the grown up and I act as ridiculous as they do… and it makes me so happy … I read your blogs to the hubs and he just sighs and says I can’t visit your page anymore… he has great empathy for Victor… I say he’s blessed to have you! Who wants boring and predictable every day? Love ya chick – stay giddy and surrounded by amazing friends –

  280. OMG! I would wear that to the Elvis Chapel in Vegas when we get all remarried up on our 20th anniversary next yeaar. Because it is soooo Fabulous!

  281. Jenny,
    Wolf Blitzer is pretty cool but you should have pointed out how totally amazing your legs look in the photos.

  282. awesome. love you. I’m pretty sure you say exactly what the other voice in my head would say . . . if only she were wittier.

  283. Oh my gosh that’s the best thing I’ve seen in forever. I can so see this being me and I just loved the whole post. So glad photos were included.

  284. You are as entertainingly insane as Misha Collins but you have way better legs. JSYK.

  285. My god, woman, you and your friends certainly get dressed up to go to the movies! And I do NOT mean the Wolf Blitzer thing, which is totally awesome and gorgeous btw; no, I mean the nylons and the heels and the dresses. Is that Texas thang? Cuz up here in the North Wood of Wisconsin we wear jeans and plaid flannel shirts and bib overalls.

  287. So, I read this and I fell in love with the pictures. I asked my husband if I could get a dead wolf snuggie of my own, but he said no. But he’s not the boss of me, and I have Connections. So, I went to my father, who happens to be a taxidermist. I showed him the pictures and excitedly asked if he would make me one.

    I can’t have a wolf… But I might get a dead coyote snuggie for Xmas. 🙂

    Husband is unpleased.

  288. This whole thing is just made of awesome, great activity and article. Really nice photos too.

  291. You’re my fucking hero!!!!!! I need new friends. I need friends that understand the utter awesomeness that is Wolf Blitzer.

  294. Dear Bloggess, you just saved Thanksgiving. After a four-way screamfest between my mother, father, sister and brother-in-law, with multiple threats of divorce and violence, and my niece and nephew hiding in their rooms, I broke the tension by laughing so hard at your blog I nearly peed myself. Then proceeded to read aloud your stories about Wolf Blitzer, Beyonce, Hamlet von Schnitzel and Copernicus to my 67 yo mother and 78 yo old father, obscenities included. They laughed so hard I think my mother pulled something and my dad may have had a stroke. My niece also found it hilarious (obscenities deleted) and asks if she can also have her own Hamlet von Schnitzel to bring with her to visit me in New York someday. We are all preordering your book for xmas and my mom promised me the “Be nice or I will stab you” poster for my office. So thanks again for saving Thanksgiving. Because you know, blood doesn’t really go with pumpkin pie.

  295. Seriously. My mother was wondering what the hell I was laughing at gave me a quizzical look when I told her I was reading about a woman who bought a wolf skin hoodie with fangs and named it Wolf Blitzer. She thinks I’m nuts. I think it’s all relative.

  297. I need to stop reading your blog posts while holding my sleeping baby. I almost woke him up laughing at this post.

    Also, you totally made me miss Alamo Drafthouse. (ok, ok, I *always* miss Alamo…).

  299. You need to check out Revolutionary War re-enactments. There are all kinds of hides and stuff at them. My husband wore a partial head as top of his hat. I have a buckskin dress. If one is ever in your area, you should check it out.

  300. You are an effing awesome negotiator! And you rocked the wolf-snuggie look. For someone who experiences serial, debilitating panic attacks, you sure do some panic-inducing stunts. I would have had a panic attack just trying it on. Good for you, though, to allow your inner wolf to come out and play.

    P.S. I’m glad that you are reading your audio book yourself. I’ve already pre-ordered the book, but I may find myself also buying the audio version when it comes out, just to hear you read it. However, I hope you read it with feeling. One of my other humor blog favorites read her audio book with such a flat affect that it almost ruined the book for me. Not to make you nervous or anything.

  302. This is beyond epic. I am overjoyed that cleolinda linked to it.

    Also, you are far braver than I; I’d be too afraid that faithful Edward fans would see me and cut me with their razor-sharp hair to wear that to the theater.

  303. This is yet another post where I am left feeling empty and sad because we are not neighbors. We would have the best block parties EVER IN RECORDED HISTORY. Tell me you were drinking Bloody Mary’s.

  304. Can we please turn Wolf Blitzer into the new red dress, where you wear him and make your dreams come true, no matter how fat your ass is?

  305. Holy crap dude, I think this is brilliant and you are one of us. We almost got kicked out for laughing so hard and mocking so hard!

  306. If I had a Wolf Blitzer, then that is the ONLY way I’d possibly be willing to go see the twilight movies…

  307. as a native american, I am disgusted at this disrespectful misuse of an actual wolf pelt. Typical uncaring white people.

  309. Had me laughing out loud the whole way through. My husband loved it, too. My favorite part was where you pointed out that a 30-year-old woman going to see Twilight was more embarrassing than Wolf Blitzer. Truth!

  310. hilarious. I’ve spent my entire day of work reading this blog, totally made my day so much more enjoyable!

  311. Darling woman, you are my hero! IF you ever decide you want a full body suit of whatever animal, real or imagined just see my friend Lionel: http://lionofthesun.com/

    He’s responsible for my Son’s werewolf costume which my daughter later used in her Little Red Riding Hood costume.

  312. I laughed. I cried. I snorted. I snorted so loudly that I woke up my 14 y.o. daughter. Who had to ask “what is that *noise* you are making?” Then I had to read your post out loud to her. Actually I performed your post for her amusement. I guess Kickstarter wouldn’t approve. Apparently.

  313. I HATE Twilight. But…if I was going to see it with anyone, it would have to be someone wearing a ridiculous outfit like yours. Wolf Blitzer would make it all worth it!

  314. See now, the only thing that kept running through my mind was how you shouldn’t be embarrassed for showing up in a real wolf suit, but that you admitted to being “Team Jacob”. That is just wrong on so many levels. The wolf suit was a howl (tried to make an animal equivalent noise here but had you been an owl it would have been so much easier because I could have said “hoot” instead of howl and it would have flowed so much better but owl would be Harry Potter and you just can’t show up at a Twilight event representing Hedwig, or could you? You could have been all, I’m Team Potter and REALLY thrown everybody for a loop). Still, Wolf Blitzer =’s complete awesomeness.

  315. I’m only halfway through my first cup of coffee – for that entire first paragraph I was under the impression you were going to rename Victor Wolf-Blitzer….
    but yeah, you’re insane, I love you.

  320. 1) Everyone probably just thought you were a really committed furry.
    2) You’d be surprised the level of depravity you have to sink to to get tossed from a movie theater these days. Trust me.
    3) Wolf Blitzer is amazing and you look amazing wearing him.
    4) I hate lists that end on odd numbers.

  321. Quite frankly, I never thought I’d be supportive of someone paying to go see that movie…But when you throw Wolf Blitzer and booze into the mix, it makes me reconsider my views.
    I’m so happy you got him. He really brings out your eyes.

  322. Have to say – you look hot in that wolf pelt in the second pic! That’s awesome! It’s like a high fashion photo shoot. Funny and smokin – a role model for women everywhere.

  327. Your blogs never fail to amuse me… Read this one at work and choked on my tea at the part about your Bigfoot costume!!!

    P.S. Completely agree about the wolf mind talking bit, almost made me feel embarrassed to be watching the film and I wasn’t even wearing a costume!

  330. OMG you are so awesome. I discovered your blog a few months ago, thanks to Pinterest and Beyonce (the giant chicken, not the singer) and from that moment on I was hooked. So, I decided to go back as far as I could, which was something like 130 pages, and I have read EVERY SINGLE POST! It took me two months, and it was so worth it! I especially loved it when I was having crappy days at work, and I would come over and read a few pages and laugh (or cry) when appropriate (or not). So now I am completely current, and I randomly send friends over to your blog, and I quote you in conversation with my husband, who now refers to you as that “online writer lady that said that thing about the tornado of glitter and shoes”. So thank you for being you and giving me a little something extra to look forward to!

    PS you are totally rocking the wolf!

  332. I remember one time in university we all went to the Star Trek movie opening dressed up as Federation officers only to find that it was sold out. But, already being drunk, we felt that we needed to go to A movie. So we went to Titanic instead. I’m pretty sure that the other members of the sold-out audience were convinced that we were patients from the local psych hospital, out for the night. Especially since we kept cheering anytime Billy Zane came on the screen. But, like teenage girls cheer for a pop star escaping out the backstage door and into a limo. Seeing your photos, I only wish that we’d had wolf costumes. Then we could have cheered for Victor Garber.

  335. I’ve never read any of the books or watched the movies, but I TOTALLY would if it meant I could wear my very own Wolf Blitzer to the theater and freak the fuck out of all the little hipsters.

  339. I love Wolf; he’s brilliant. But I am shocked you wanted James Earl Jones for the audio book. Where is your loyalty, woman???? Why haven’t you asked Will Wheaton? It would seem to me he owes you a favor or two or three for resurrecting his KLOUT score!

    I’m just sayin’…………..

  341. I am in awe of your awesome awesomeness. And Wolf Blitzer’s, of course. (I can’t help but noticing how none of my hoodies have fangs. Or even claws.)

  344. Two things, love the black dress, understated elegance so as to not detract from Wold Blitzer. Two, umm, why wouldn’t you tell your local readers what you were up to? I would have driven by JUST to watch you buy your tickets!!!

  348. I totally love this on so many levels… first, for the sheer ballsiness of going to the theatre dressed in Wolf Blitzer, second, for actually posting about it, and finally, because I can link to it via Facebook. Most of my peeps will love it, but I have a couple of management douche-canoes at work who clandestinely follow me just to see if I’m getting uppity. This will fuel speculation.

    p.s. I have a voice that’s the combination of James Earl Jones, Tom Netherton (from the old Lawrence Welk Show), and that psuedo-narrator from the old Mormon Tabernacle Choir TV broadcasts. I’d LOVE to narrate your audiobook for FREE. Okay, maybe as a small token I could borrow Wolf Blitzer for a week or weekend, just to keep my my handlers guessing even more.

  349. I never dare to comment on your blog, because, let’s face, being number 4 billion and sixty two, no one would ever see it. I’m not sure if you’re Star Wars fan, but maybe Victor could wear the tauntaun. Or not.

  352. You should call Fuller Brush to have a representative come over, then when he rings, answer in Wolf Blitzer. Ask for the Fuller Brush Beech Half Round Boar Bristle Hair Brush because your wolf likes pork. Do it.

  355. I started to think Lazar Wolf(like Fiddler on the Roof), but Wolf Blitzer is much better. Also, I am totally jealous. I went to see Twilight in some stupid regular girl clothing. What was I thinking?

  356. I never comment on your blog because, you know, like you’d ever see it. But hell, I just have to say this: I effing LOVE you.

  357. So good — almost worth going Twi-hard for. Love Wolf Blitzer — also, does he keep you warm? NYC winters are pretty rough and I’ve been told I need to buy a real coat…but why do that if I could have a taxidermy wolf??

  358. I dislike that movie, but if I could go with someone wearing a wolf pelt, and share it, that would be awesome. :3 Seriously, and then you want to Alamo Drafthouse. That place exists for those who don’t want to be normal, boring pooheads like Victor.

  360. WHY!?HOW?! AGAIN WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING AMAAAAAZING!? It’s making my head hurt.

    Oh and can you do a traveling Wolf Blitzer? Because I’d totally wear that shit around Norfolk and Va Beach like nobodies business. Plus it looks uber warm.

  361. You are my hero! That was the best story I ever heard…you had my husband and I laughing so hard we fell off the couch…and now I would like a wolf suit for Christmas…but like Victor, my husband thinks its totally un-necessary…
    Thank you bloggess!

  362. I am guessing that Wolf Blitzer’s facebook fan page will be coming soon! To join the ranks of Beyonce and Copernicus, naturally. 🙂

  368. So so so amazing and awesome :D. It make me so surprised to your idea and blog. I have to remind the Twilight.

  369. My husbands has told me next time I drag him to twilight, he will only go if he can wear a wolf.

    WINNING!

  370. Truly, I never thought there was anyone funnier then my friend Jenn G who follows you and introduced us….that said, game over. Speechless, no words…just hillarious, stomach hurting laughter!

  371. I don’t know you, I don’t even know how I came accross your blog. I read you from Spain and don’t always get all the cultural references but I swear to god that I laugh myself to tears everytime I read you. Thank you! 🙂

  373. And this is why I can’t stop reading this blog. I came because of Beyonce, then got sucked into Copernicus, was fascinated by the talking fruit, slightly horrified by the Cobra/Mongoose/Naked Mole Rat statue and now love Wolf Blitzer. You are awesome.

  375. You have a wicked sense of humor…..I love it! Very happy that the wolf died of old age…or so I would like to believe.

  376. Wolf Blitzer is…oddly slimming. And at least you had something to crawl under in second-hand embarrassment during that wolfs-channel-Optimus-Prime” scene in BD.

    I was going to say I want one but in “Team Edward” until I realized that would be going a little “Silence of the Lambs”-y. Boo.

  378. I loved you before, but NOW you are officially A GODDESS to me !!!!!!! This is FANTASTIC !!!!

  379. Can I like…Internet Marry you or something? Because god damn if you don’t make me split a side laughing more times than I can count :-D. I’d totally go to Breaking Dawn with someone wearing Wolf Blitzer.

  381. I feel fairly certain that it would make my year to see a picture of Beyonce (the fabulous metal chicken) wearing Wolf Blitzer. PLEASE, hook a sister up.

  382. I’ve taken your name in vain again. And soon there will be pictures of me and my friends with a giant metal peacock.

  384. Bwahahahaha! This is awesome, and why we love you here at my house! P.S. I am so excited about your new book, I just can’t stand it! The release date should be declared a national holiday…just sayin’

  385. Oh, my god. YOU WORE A WOLF PELT TO A “TWILIGHT” MOVIE. I love you. I fucking love you. I love you in all the ways a total stranger can love another total stranger.

  388. I feel old. Old, because I don’t do weirdly fun stuff as a mom. I think I’m going to have a mid-life crisis and do something wild. Or stupid. Or wildly stupid. I don’t think it’ll involve a wolf though. Can I wear a human pelt? Hmm, that would probably get me arrested.

  389. SO JEALOUS!!!!! Not about Wolf Blitzer – he’s amazing and you look fabulous – but that you’ve got a movie theater that serves BOOZE!!!

    WANT!!!

  392. I kind of want to print out one of those pictures on the bench, and when people come to bitch at me at work, I’ll be like “Look at this awesome picture of a woman wearing a wolf. You’re argument is irrelevant due to your lack of this level of awesomeness, now fuck off.”

    I’ll need to work on the wording there a bit…it’s a mouthful, and could probably get me fired. I’m more concerned about the former.

  394. I now await Wolf Blitzer to make an appearance on the Drafthouse films threatening us to be quiet and not use our cellphones (or dead animals).

  395. I have followed you amazingly funny blog for a long time now, and I have to say that I now have even more of a love for you! you are awesome, and I thank you for making me laugh so hard I piss my pants..( yep its true!)
    I love you… I love that you wore a wolf pelt to a twilight movie, I love that you bought a six foot cock, I love that you made a t-shirt that says “”knock knock mutherfucker”” and I love that you write for a sex toy comapany..
    yes I know that sounds weird as hell and you are probably thinking that i am a creepy stalker… but I assure you that I am a sexy, funny creepy stalker, and we should toteally hang out sometime.
    thanks for being the amazingly awesomely histerical smart woman that you are.

  396. You are the nuts in a very wonderful way. And yes nice legs. BTW I just watched the video of your presentation from the Ignite Evo conference in July and I have one question. Where did you get the picture of the woman biting her laptop? Okay two questions. If it is proprietary can I use it? I work at the Wayne State University PC Clinic and I think we need it.

  397. Two quick things.
    1) Lamar or Anderson?
    2) You don’t live around the corner from me, do you? Because we just moved into this neighborhood a few weeks ago, and the house down the hill has YOUR GIANT CHICKEN. As long as you aren’t still decorated all up for halloween it probably isn’t your house. Probably. Or your chicken has escaped.

    Oh my god. Has your giant chicken escaped? … I’m going to go check outside. Be right back.

  398. It’s really sad that I know this, but unfortunately airplanes don’t have to accommodate wolves as emotional help animals.

    Effective March 15, 2010, the Department of Justice is limiting the species of service animal to “any dog…[who is] individually trained to do work or perform tasks for the benefit of an individual with a disability, including a…psychiatric, intellectual, or other mental disability.” 73 FR 34508, 34553 (June 17, 2008).

    Under these new rules, other species of animals, wild or domestic, do not qualify as service animals under the ADA. 73 FR 34508, 34553 (2010). The service animal must still be trained to specifically assist the disabled person in overcoming the disability, and examples of work listed in the new definition include “retrieving items such as medicine or the telephone…and helping persons with psychiatric and neurological disabilities by preventing or interrupting impulsive or destructive behaviors.” Id.

    As such, a wolf is not considered the type of animal which would classify it as a service animal, and only a minority of courts have held that emotional help animals provide the type of service which would classify it as a service animal. Since the wolf would not be considered a service animal under Title II of the Americans with Disabilities Act, it would not be classified as a “reasonable accommodation”. Therefore, the TSA/airplanes wouldn’t have to allow you to board with it.

    I know no one probably cares, but I am law student. Hear me nitpick!

  400. I know that if I lived nearer to you we would totally be bff. or that I would follow you around also drinking and being very non-discreet about being following you (because I am not discreet about *anything* when drinking). My movie theater had noone in costume, but did have vampier vs werewolf themed drinks. And yes, I had a bunch if only to get over the embarrassment of seeing this movie in public. Luckily, I went on a Tuesday so the only people there to witness my shame were a bunch of other 35 yr old professional women and 3 dudes- 1 gay, 1 awesome/browbeaten boyfriend ,and 1 dad.

    and I agree, the wolf mind argument was a bit over the top. I laughed so loud (see above about being discreet when drinking) that I thought the self proclaimed “twihard” next to me might stab me.

  401. 1:21am thank you for yet again amusing me. (funny shit) You are the best thing I’ve found…plus liquir since losing my husband…to prison…ha ha

  402. OMG I love you….. AND you have great legs!

    P.S. Wolf Blitzer makes your whole head sparkle.

  403. I have been an accountant for over 10 years, and Wolf Blitzer is nit even close to the strangest tax deduction I have ever seen.

  407. I wanted to say this is just absolutely amazing!
    I feel honoured that you displayed it with such pride at this social gathering!
    XD
    What will be the next outing?! (I almost want to see this go to the opening of Underworld Awakening and you could be supporting all the Lycans!)
    You look awesome in Wolf Blitzer!

  408. Wow. Your legs are awesome! Yes, the story is great, but that’s what I come away with. I want legs like hers.

  409. If you were willing to rent out Wolf Blitzer then Victor would have to let you keep him! WB is made of total awesome!

  411. I honestly cannot see how anything from a page showing the poster from Breaking DAwn can refer to my blog Unless, of course, the interwebs know that I read this and throughly enjoyed it.

    Which would be scary, I thinke.

  412. I see a lot of these comments are asking where you can get your own wearable skin–there are a few people who make them, but the one I buy from is Lupa. She sells pelt costumes at fairs and conventions here in Oregon. (I always see her at Fairie Worlds). She’s on etsy and some other places, search for Lupa or “the green wolf”.

  416. Lol, that’s awesome.

    Oh, and I’ve taken my wolf on the plane before, though it wasn’t nearly as big as Blitzer xD

  418. hysterical – now i have to go back and read a whole bunch more because i’m snorting and laughing and need to keep it going – thx!!!

  419. Just wanted to tell you that I was reading this at work and my boss came over my shoulder.

    He said, “A dog?”

    I said, “That’s a woman.”

    He said, “So it is.”

    I said, “She’s going to Twilight.”

    Then he walked away.

  420. I have been out of town and just now read this blog… omg… loooove it! I would totally wear the wolf and/or volturi costume to the theater… why didn’t my bff and I think of that???

  422. Wow. I am actually not sure what to say except that now I can’t go see the movie unless I have a similar outfit. Dang.

  423. Ok, so this is the first time I have commented on your blogs although I DO read them with almost religious fever…but O. M. G….you had me going strong until the mental picture of Victor as Team Edward when I apparently went over the top and went into spasms of uncontrollable gaffaws…

  424. LOVE LOVE LOVE it..Wolf is AWESOME…and I am totally jealous! Must come to Santa Barbara Ca and bring wolf..and we must do a photo shoot…I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS

  425. You are my hero. This is amazing. I want you to be my best friend so we can do lunch together while you wear the wolf!

  426. I was intending to leave an exceptionally witty comment.

    But yet again.

    I’ve been out awesomed.

    The chicken, great.
    The Weasel (mongoose, whatever) Snake thing – great.

    Going to twilight as a wolf, IN a real wolf….

    I’m … I’m going to hang up now.

  427. I burst out laughing with the Wolf going up to the counter to buy tickers!!!! OMG> YOU”RE AWESOME!!! I LOVE the photos and commentary on your outing with the Volturi…. Looks like you guys got along. I love wolf blitzer….. I want my own….. So i can be a wolf buying tickets to a movie…. You know what else i’d do? Go to a fine restaurant in my wolf hoodie and order steak, chicken and venison. Completely natural, I’m a wolf. What do you want me to do? Eat Veggies??? Can you do that and post pics? (Since i don’t think any of my appeals for friends to buy me a wolf outfit will be successful….)

  430. Its like a cartoon where its a wolf but for some reason it has hot legs. Yeah, totally hot legs. I am going to find a dirty sock. To dust with. TO TOTALLY DUST WITH!

    But I am admire you spunk and wearing that. I woulda been that guy hitting on you asking if I could get some tail. ‘No literally, your tail is falling off..let me get it for you’ 😛

  433. I so wish I lived near you and that we were best friends so that I could borrow Wolf Blitzer to wear to the grocery store.

  434. I asked my husband for a Wolf Blitzer as my push present. He said, “only if we can wrap the baby in it for his announcement photo.” But seriously, what’s the title of your upcoming book? We want to keep an eye out for it.

  435. holy shitballs! i haven’t snorted that hard in a long time., i’m at work and i think i just got caught trying to not loose my shit reading this post. i suggest you sit in your tween neighbors front yard, like a wolf. then when they catch you, get up and run like a human, they’d be all “woah! that wolf just turned into a lady! holy shit twilight is real!”. tweens will believe anything….. including vampires believe in moron sex.

  438. Frankly, I think Wolf Blitzer is incredibly glamorous, and I only regret that we have gotten so casual as a society that it is NOT normal to go to the theatre dressed in head-to-toe wolf. I’m pretty sure we found about seven of these in my grandmother’s closet when she passed — in various colors, of course.

  443. I thought seeing Breaking Dawn would be the highlight of this day.

    But the Bloggess, Team Jacob (gag), Volturri get up, copious amounts of booze, EFFING WOLF BLITZER, and a conversation between you and Victor made it VILLIONS (vampire millions) times better.

  445. What kind of movie theater did you go to? Did you have tables? And you could drink in the theater? No one yelled because Wolf Blitzer was sticking up too high? Wow.

  446. Girl, you are do damn crazy. But thn, that’s why I love you and your wolf , and Victor so much.

  449. So, while punctuating snoopy laughs with snorts,Ii realized how incredibly deprived I am, and how sad the theatres in AZ are. IF the Harkins out here had a BAR- I may not have gouged my eyes out with nachos while being forced to watch that drivel with my eleven year old.

  450. This is a CLASSIC, Jenny.

    What I don’t understand is why your publishing/editor-people (I don’t write books, I just read about them on the internet) didn’t just go along with it! Did they not READ your book/blog? Don’t they know that wearing a dead wolf is actually kind of EXPECTED when dealing with you?

    I just love that you love taxidermied animals so much.

  456. Please. You were in Austin. Both of those outfits are completely acceptable – if not a little conservative – in that town. We’re talking about a place with a famous homeless man with breast implants who wears a tube top.

  457. I wish I had seen this post before I had started my campaign to convince my husband this weekend that I NEEDED this boar’s head for our wall. Seriously, this boar…. I named her Sandra…. was the Miss Congeniality of the Taxidermy world. She was so happy looking. It was like she didn’t even care that her head was on a plague in the shape of Ohio. I swear, she had a twinkle in her eye.

    If only I had read your post beforehand and figured out a way to BARTER for good old Sandy. She would be lighting up my living room as we speak.

  458. You have totally and completely made my day! WOW! I have no words. I am in awe and feel true admiration for you. Hugs!

  459. Team Jacob!!!!! I, too, am a 30-something getting ready to see Twilight; at least we’re not the weirdo 50-something moms who try to sleep with the cast members….

  460. I’m sort of Team Tyler’s Van (except I think the books/movies are extremely entertaining. I like to imagine the Volturi with skinny, waxed, black mustachios and capes laughing maniacly while Bella ties herself to the train tracks. Because she totally would.), but THIS IS AWESOME

  461. I’m sort of Team Tyler’s Van (except I think the books/movies are extremely entertaining. I like to imagine the Volturi with skinny, waxed, black mustachios and capes laughing maniacly while Bella ties herself to the train tracks. Because she totally would.), but THIS IS AWESOME

  462. Er, I don’t know how I managed to post the same comment twice without even finishing my sentence. That was supposed to read, “…THIS IS AWESOME to a degree that I might actually have to join Team Jacob or at least stop making fun of what a terrible actor Taylor Lautner is.”

    I know you were going to lose sleep on how that sentence ended. You’re welcome.

  463. The means with which you procured Wolf Blitzer amaze and inspire me. Now can you use your sweet bartering technique to get me this AWESOME velociraptor costume?

  465. I am so disappointed now. We had three wolves come and dance at the premier I went
    to but they were nothing compared to Wolf Blitzer!!

  474. I love this. I wish we were friends.

    Also, the Alamo Drafthouse is my favorite place on earth. I think. That’s a pretty bold thing to say now that I think about it…

  476. Ok, you’re like the Luna Lovegood of Twilight. You realize this right? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, because Luna totally rocks. She IS a LITTLE out there though.

  478. Stephenie Meyers is the devil. TWILIGHT *A YOUNG GIRLS CHOICE BETWEEN NECROPHILA OR BEASTIALITY*. Great mormon choices. Don’t have sex until your married kids, thats wrong – but marrying then doing man’s best friend or a really hot dead guy is totally ok with god.

  480. OMG. I adore you. I think I just peed my pants a little because I was laughing so hard. *off to bathroom*

  484. Wait – a movie theatre where you can watch movies while eating dinner and drinking alcoholic beverages? WHY ISN’T THIS AVAILABLE WHERE I LIVE? Or maybe I should really be asking why this isn’t my new business model.

  485. OMG!! This post was THE BEST!!! I haven’t watched but a small bit of one Twilight movie & haven’t read the books so it wasn’t that but the fact that you wen to the movies with a wolf pelt!! Pure awesome!!

  487. Congrat’s…I have a big brown hairy coat witha hood that has wolf ears on top now – cause it just had to happen – and wear it out on halloween and the like, over my work suit. It’s about 50/50…those who stare, and those who high five….but oooo I wish I had a wolfie, totally differant league!

  489. *long, low, liquid whistle*
    That is a rockin’ LBD. Makes absolutely the MOST of your legs, which need no enhancement.
    …
    Wait, there’s a wolf suit?

  490. Why have I only discovered you now?? I’m on the floor laughing 🙂
    I want a Wolf Blitzer of my very own. But perhaps next time it could be a Polar Bear! Just a thought …

  492. Dear Victor,

    I thought I was all alone, swimming upstream in the estrogen ocean of insanity. Now I realize that there’s someone else out there living with clones of the adorably insane women of my life. My wife and daughters share selected snippets of the Blogess with me, if only to point out that they are simply creative geniuses marching to their own drummers (and full time orchestras), tempered only by cranky husbands/fathers, such as Victor and myself.

    Thank you for being there. I now know that I’m not alone.

    BC

    P.S. Blogess, you’re just funnier than hell! My wife would SOOOOOO wear Wolf Blitzer, just not here in Montana (fear of being shot)…. and she’s still trying to find another chicken yard ornament!

  493. I will narrate your book. It’s what I do. Well, I typically don’t voice audiobooks. But I DO voice all kinds of stuff. I bet I could come up with a great voice for Wolf Blitzer. It’s kinda like a stripper name, btw.

    Hit me up about the vo. I’m serious.

  494. My husband doesn’t understand why Victor doesn’t want you to be happy. He said he would not only allow me wear an awesome wolf hoodie, but he would kill the wolf for me.

  495. OMG Your site is HU-LARIOUS!! Tears and doubled over, can’t breathe laughter. Seriously, your posts are friggin’ hilarious. My head and side hurt and my mascara is all over my sleeve, cheeks and the formerly clean laundry.
    Thanks for this. O. M. G.

  500. So one of my really good friends is the girl you bought Wolf from, and like you mention, there’s the Tauntaun as well as a life size minotaur suit. Rammulus. One time we went to the resfest here in Colorado, and this large, drunk man kept calling her a goat. Well, this small, equally drunk pirate wench (aka me) decided the best thing to do in retaliation was to pull my plastic sword out on the guy.

    Made sense in my mind.

  502. Wolf Blitzer…best.financial.decision EVER!. You really should have gone to the Muppet movie in it too, I think you could have caused a lot more crying there.

  503. It truly is mainly an inferior type from the snuggie quilt however , with flashlight sleeves so that your pup could possibly get engrossed.

  504. Ohmygosh, it’s like I’ve found my long lost twin. I love your blog, & pretty sure I love you. In that platonic idol-worship non-stalkeresque sort of way. And for future reference, I would totally narrate an audio book for you.

  506. I have got to try watching Twilight drunk!
    BTW… The cross legged pic of you wearing Wolf Blitzer is super sexy!

  507. this does no good to the wolves out there, propagating it is cool to have a pelt of an endangered species

    ignorant folks *shakes head*

  508. OMG! This is just awesome! How did i miss this the first time? I’d barter for a wolf pelt, and watch Twilight – i’m team Jacob all the way in the movies – the book however – yeah, i’m Edward 😉

  509. DANG GIRL!

    That DOES IT! On your book tour you HAVE to come to Dallas and hang out with THE WIFE and me!

    I DEMAND IT! (OK, not really demanding because that would be totally bully-like, but I would enjoy it!)

  510. How the fuck did I miss this the first time?!

    Legendary.

    Epic.

    And all that other Bloggess shit you hear all the time. 😉

  512. I totally see where you’re coming from. When I went to see the Avengers openig weekend, I wore and all black leather suit, and this past weekend was the opening weekend of The Dark Knight Rises and I wore an all black leather suit… with a really fluffy tail…

  513. When I see the photo of you and your friend in costume watching the movie the only thing I want to know is why the hell our movie theaters still don’t have liquor.

  515. I am very jealous, that is a beautiful pelt and you make it look even more beautiful, however I would not call it a hoodie. You might be able to get away with calling it a hoody if you could put you arms through it’s front legs like sleeves, but there really isn’t anything to this. It’s just a pelt.

  516. Im a fashioon designer myself who wears lots of fur (not real animals) throughout ever season of the year and would love to know is this an actually Pelt for the floor or is this an actual hoodie pelt – either way you did a great job – & if you can email me the link you bought this from – maybe in my fashion bloggs i can mention this & how it started – thank you –

  517. Because of this post, I will be wearing a cape tomorrow to the marathon. With 9 other 40-something year old moms, who will be drinking and eating copiously as well.

  519. I LOVE LOVE WOLFS and i have always wanted to pretend i was a wolf and if i could find 1 it would be a wish come true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

  520. im a US Army Vet. and a survivalist nut and since i cant hunt anything but deer where i live and i cant find bears at the moment where can i get that for cold nights in the woods let get down to brass tacks…how much for the wolf?

  521. Holy shit this is awesome. And I can’t laugh out loud because I’m in bed and will be in trouble for waking up my sleeping other half. Ohhh he just moved gotta go!

  522. are you going to make more and sell them people like me will play a lot for one, I am totally jealous, I really want one for xmas

  524. If at any moment you are looking to sell it I’ll buy it. I’m a Lipan Apache Marine veteran and the wolf is my totem and part of my given name sack I have been searching for a wolf pelt to replace the one that was stolen from me many years ago. The wolf is a powerful spirit. If you are not looking to sell please take care of that pelt and its spirit will protect you.

    Many blessings from the great creator

  525. Do you make these pelts yourself? If so I don’t suppose I could buy a customized one from you?

  526. Pingback: Inspirational Women Writers Changing the World with Words

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