My neighbor is a woman of few words, but a surprising array of shocked facial expressions.

Conversation with my elderly neighbor at our mailboxes:

Neighbor: Is your arthritis bothering you again?  You look sort of limpy.

me:  No, I’m just sore.  I started doing adult hula hooping.

Neighbor:  …Oh.

me:  I mean, not “adult”  like “naked hula hoop porn”.  It’s just hula hooping for grown-ups.  With clothes on.

Neighbor:  Oh.

me:  Honestly, I don’t even know if there’s such thing as hula hoop porn.

Neighbor:  Oh.

me:  There probably is though.  Rule 34 of the internet, you know.

Neighbor:  Oh?

me:  “If it exists there is a porn for it.”

Neighbor: Oh.

me:  I should probably go back inside now.

Neighbor:  Oh.

And then I went back inside and she just stood there.  And that’s why I’m not allowed to go check the mail unsupervised anymore.

242 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I am not going to click the link, I am not going to click the link,

    Like

  2. Hilarious! You always brighten my day!🙂

    Like

  3. Just the mention of a porn you think doesn’t exist will automatically call it forth unto existance. *Shudder* Why won’t my brain turn off!!??

    Like

    Reneesance recently posted Vintage Party Dress Mad Men 1960s Full skirt Floral Dress with Peekaboo Neckline sz M/L.

  4. I am also a hooper. I have a different misunderstanding when trying to explain my hobby as ‘hooping’ can also refer to taking illegal drugs by sticking them up your ass! =D

    As for hula hoop porn, you could check out photos from burning man. There’s a lot of naked hooping going on there, so its sorta like softcore hoop porn.

    Like

  5. 5
    Alicia from Texas

    Only you could have arthritis and porn in the same conversation.

    Like

  6. I have a P O Box, and lead a boring life. But P O Box does offer gifts ! my calendar is in, and my dad will be opening his tonight-we-party-as-is-we-all-had-ponies shirt this weekend. He will rock the phuck out of it.

    Like

  7. There are probably no truer words than “If it exists there is a porn for it.”

    Who knew there was Amish amputee beastiality porn? I certainly didn’t till someone sent it to me recently.

    Ho ho ho

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted A Mexican 12 days of Christmas- Christmas funny #15.

  8. You should start hula hooping in your front yard and give your neighbor the sexy eye to shock her into thinking you are gonna start getting naked while hula hooping.

    Like

    KrissyPoop recently posted truthiness list.

  9. Naked adult hula-hoop porn. Sounds like a great theme for the New Year’s Eve party I’m planning!

    Like

  10. Some people think hula hooping is a total sport. I only envision it with neon and trance music though.

    Like

    Mr. Wonder recently posted Pictures with Santa.

  11. I’m pretty sure hula hooping porn and Juggalo followers have a crossover population.

    Like

    Bridget recently posted In Honor of National Consumer Week, I Have Found KFC's new recipe.

  12. I never, ever, EVER go to the mailbox without first peering out every window in the house to make sure no neighbors are out.

    Like

  13. You should probably give your neighbor a fruit basket.

    Like

  14. You need to find several sites for things like luge porn and knitting porn, then bring over your laptop, knock on her door, and yell, “SEE? I TOLD YOU.”

    It’s important to maintain good neighborly relations.

    Like

    Julie recently posted Monday Meals: Buckeyes.

  15. Oh! 🙂

    Like

  16. priceless.

    Like

  17. Is she the one that has a view of the dollhouse?

    Like

    WriteWendy recently posted Holy Shit!.

  18. If you can’t make your neighbor feel awkward and uncomfortable, who can you? Also, there IS a porn for everything, someone found my blog searching “naked grandmother baking a cake” how the fuck old does google think I am?

    Like

    Cat @Breakfast to Bed recently posted The Great Clustercluck of 2011.

  19. Am I the only one tempted to Google Hula hoop porn??

    Like

  20. You and Allie from hyperboleandahalf should collaborate on this post: you do the writing and she can draw the facial expressions of your neighbor. Although I don’t know if this post could handle that much genius.

    Like

    LynnDee recently posted How NOT to Be An Asshole When Breaking Up With Someone.

  21. Well, if there wasn’t naked hula hoop porn before, there will be NOW.

    Patent that shit, Jenny.

    Like

    Andie recently posted Christopher Titus, I am disappoint..

  22. I wish you were my neighbor. We could have hula-hoop porn on the net in no time, w/ Paypal. We’d make a bundle.

    Like

  23. Just start hula-hooping with your blinds open and windows open. That way, when she sees you, you can shout, “SEE? ALL MY CLOTHES ARE ON! NOT WEIRD AT ALL!”

    Like

    Janel recently posted Nailed It.

  24. Brilliant! I’m always happy to see xkcd cited.

    So, is this adult hula hooping a group activity? Kind of like a spin class? I’m intrigued. Also somewhat dizzied by the images in my head.

    Like

    alejna recently posted Baby, it’s cold inside..

  25. of course, I just had to go find out if rule 34 actually holds true in this case. do not google it at work. Not only is there hula hoop related porn, but there is actual SEO targeting it. Intarwebs win.

    Like

    Braindonkey recently posted Toys R Us selection seems to have gone downhill.

  26. *shudder* Hula hoop porn. Must.Stop.Mental.Imagery.

    Like

    Karen recently posted Random Friday - Let's Get To Know Submommy Some More.

  27. This made me laugh, because Rule #34 is so true! There’s porn for EVERYTHING on the internet.

    Like

    Courtney recently posted Photo.

  28. Yeah, after I saw that Strange Sex episode with the balloons, I now figure nothing is off limits. And I don’t look at balloons the same.

    Like

    Kris recently posted Little House of Horrors.

  29. jenny lawson, perpetuating the elderly’s fear of the internet and technology. job well done.

    Like

    ann @ my life as prose. recently posted culture..

  30. Oh. It does exist. Thank you Google.

    Also, I think your neighbor deserves some Christmas cookies. If only to erase the thought oh hula hoop porn from her mind.

    Like

    Nicole recently posted Happy Holidays!.

  31. Well to be fair…she started it.

    Like

  32. I would prefer naked hula hooping!

    Like

    John B recently posted Merry Crystal Methmas*.

  33. Practically nude hula hooping is a daily occurrence in this house (though I must confess it is by the preschool set and NOT porn).

    Oh, and I’m having neighbor problems. I’d like to invite you to stop by and strike up a conversation with them. Be sure to mention porn.

    Like

    Kelly O'Sullivan recently posted You Stop Believing, Santa Stops Coming, So Just Believe.

  34. This happens to me when I wait in the preschool line. I keep mixing up “small talk” and “talk about an impending apocalypse.”

    Like

    Alex@LateEnough recently posted Can You Do One Act Of Kindness This Week?.

  35. When I first started blogging, my spam was glad to share with me the news that there is Disney Princess porn. I hid under my desk for a week.

    Like

    Deborah Lipp recently posted Movie Review: The Descendants.

  36. LMAO! Oh how I wish I was this witty when “attacked” by my elderly neighbor. Would love to see her with the “oh” expression! Additionally I love so many of your readers comments! They need their own little like buttons, call them humor rewards🙂

    Like

  37. Rule #34 is truth. Unfortunately there is some type of porn for everything. *shudder*

    Like

    Wendy Young recently posted Happy Holidays! Thanks for making us #1 in 2011!.

  38. I guess there’s a whole class of porn I haven’t seen yet. The idea of naked hooping, however, has to be right up there with Naked Gymnastics. Except for NG by women from Eastern Block countries – ’cause they kinda look like men. Sorta.

    Like

    lceel recently posted Wordless Wednesday 12-21-11.

  39. To google or not to google. That is the question….

    Damn it, I’m totally going to google it now.

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  40. ha to the ha ha. thank you for the morning giggle. I can envision your poor little old lady neighbors face. priceless as usual Miss Jenny. Too funny! Merry Christmas

    Like

  41. Just checked… Yep! LOTS of sites have hula hoop porn. WTF? How is THAT a turn on?

    Like

    Jules recently posted Top 10 Things To Do Instead Of Preparing for the Holidays.

  42. Jenny, your elderly neighbor would be a lot more comfortable if you let Beyonce and Wolf Blitzer get the mail.

    Like

    hogsatemysister recently posted Christmas Torch, er, Antlers, Passed to a New Generation of Dawgs.

  43. I’m not allowed to check the mail because if nothing looks fun or interesting, I just leave it in there and it drives my husband crazy.
    Spanx porn is the number one google search that leads people to my blog. I still haven’t figured out a. how spanx are sexy to anyone and b. what combo of words I posted that made this the direct route to my site.

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  44. Just going to mention.. I laughed when I read this.. then I went back and read it again, this time imagining myself as you and my 80-year-old neighbor as ‘the neighbor’ and I laughed twice as hard.

    Like

    Andie recently posted Christopher Titus, I am disappoint..

  45. huh, now oddly invested in the thought of .. where to buy a hula hoop and find a storm chasing van .. Actually, hula hoop porn ON a storm chasing van could be interesting. Unless it’s parked, then there’s no challenge … but chasing a storm on a storm chasing van while hula hooping … even without porn I’d pay to see that! I gotta Google now …

    Like

    Jennifer S recently posted 5 Wine Ideas For Christmas!.

  46. Wetriffs.com = awesome!

    I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now, and I THINK this is the first time I’ve posted a comment. From all I’ve seen, you shouldn’t be allowed to do much of anything, but I’d sure love to be a fly on the wall when you do do something when your husband isn’t watching.

    Like

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  47. Jules – it’s probably something to do with hip-swinging. Pelvic thrusting and the like.

    Like

    Andie recently posted Christopher Titus, I am disappoint..

  48. I’m so glad there is you!!

    Like

  49. Oh my mom would sure have fun if you were her neighbor!

    Like

    Karen Maeby recently posted Christmas in the Graveyard.

  50. Are you kidding? You totally made her life way more interesting. At least, that’s how I look at it when I do stuff like that😉

    Like

    Jamie recently posted Name Change Alert!.

  51. I just learned about rule 34 last week when someone said theres no porn with people taking off their skin and then I showed them a Robbie Williams music video of exactly that and apparently won the internet.
    It was a strange day

    Like

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted A Bag Full of Dicks (For Charity).

  52. Yeah, immediately “hula hoop porn” popped into my head. Thanks for clearing that up.

    But now I’m thinking you should combine the hooping with your couture. Geisha hula hooping. Red dress hula hooping. A picture of you hula hooping in front of that fancy Red Loster in Belize? PRICELESS.

    Why do they call it hula hooping? No one hoops at luaus. Oh…because of your hips…

    Maybe shaking your hips at your neighbor won’t help either. I’m also guessing she’s hiring someone to check her mail from now on.

    Like

  53. I am always massively impressed by the conversations you manage to have with unassuming people. I managed to explain away my 2 year old daughter screaming “COCK” in the grocery store (we really have to work on her diction) while working in how much I hate giving lawyers money and how excited I am to get new wheels for my skates to a total stranger yesterday. WHEE!

    Like

  54. Phrase I never suspected would be stuck in my head all day: “Naked hula hoop porn.”

    Like

    Daddy Scratches recently posted A note to my children from The Elf on the Shelf.

  55. Jenny, you mentioned rule 34. Any chance you have a link showing the whole list of rules? ‘Cause you are one of my go-to sites since I discovered your blog this past fall !

    Like

  56. Whenever you speak of interactions with the general public I always picture my mother’s face. As a good practical joke I would like to have you buy the house next door so you two could be neighbors. (I’d buy that house, but I’m banned from her subdivision.)

    Also, if there isn’t hula hoop porn there should be. And also hopscotch porn.

    Like

    Phoenix Rising recently posted When A Child Goes Missing.

  57. 59
    The Other Jamie

    At this rate, pretty soon you’re going to require supervision 24×7.

    Like

  58. “And that’s why I’m not allowed to go check the mail unsupervised anymore.”

    Why? Because Victor’s afraid you’ll record some mailbox porn? #Rule34

    Like

  59. lol…you lack a filter. And it’s fabulous.

    Like

  60. It is a little Christmas present to us all to know that Jenny the Bloggess it out there shaking her booty with a hula hoop. And possibly with that wolf skin on at the same time.

    Like

  61. I want to hear more about why you are hula hooping.

    Like

  62. is it to late for inclusion in London 2012 Olympics, hula hoop porn, or do you think it will already be on the list of things to do in the athletes village?

    Like

    Tom Stronach recently posted A Christmas Conversation in the making.

  63. I wish I had neighbors like you. Not like your neighbor, but like you. I would be happier living here all alone, my neighbors suck.

    Like

    cassie recently posted wth? it's almost christmas..

  64. I swear, you are what my daughter will become. She’s 13. She’s VERY 13, and she’s really good at it too. Most of the time she leaves me in one of two states: 1. total shock wherein I am forced to pick my jaw up from the ground and try to formulate a cognitive response that is both corrective and mature, 2. gasping for air because I can no longer breathe due to my actually falling down on the floor laughing. <—–that's not an exaggeration. Really. It's like the time she and her dad were going shopping, she asked him, "Where is your hoochie protection?" (she was 8 at the time). My husband says, "My WHAT!??" She says, "You know, your wedding ring…the thing that keeps the hoochies from getting you!"

    See what I mean?

    Like

  65. Wait, back up . . . so you were SORE from HULU HOOPING? Huh. That must have been some pretty intense gyrating then.

    Also, you need to suggest to your instructor (are there instructors for adult hula hooping?) that she start an “adult” hula hooping class and give you a percentage because you obviously created the concept. It can be like hula hooping/stripper pole dancing. Sexy like, ya know? Also . . . very sad. But that is besides the point. Do it.

    Like

    Misty recently posted It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.

  66. #1 – There is a porn for naked hula hooping. And yes…I’ve seen it. So there. Suspicion confirmed.
    #2 – You probably made her day. Now she and Harold had something to discuss over dinner at 3pm.
    #3 – As it turns out, Harold didn’t have to take viagra last night.

    You’re helping the world one inappropriate conversation after another. Way to go, Jenny.

    Like

    theflameinside recently posted Taking stock in 2011.

  67. Well now you totally have to go to your neighborhood lost and found post it board and post a notice that you’ve misplaced your adult hula hoop porn instructional video.

    Like

  68. Alicia from Texas December 21, 2011 at 10:23 am wrote
    Only you could have arthritis and porn in the same conversation.

    Whole new pornitunies have been opened up by prescription painkillers.

    Like

  69. Shaved a mohawk for Movember and just moved into our new house. In a good mood all day. Step outside for ONE SECOND. Did something that made me angry and swore out loud. Neighbour standing right there. New neighbour. Not met yet.

    I feel your pain.

    Like

    Craig Norton recently posted Dear Jerk.

  70. This is why I check my mailbox at night. I don’t want to scare the neighbors anymore than I already have.

    Like

  71. I do this all the time….apparently I just have a much better sense of humor and thirst for knowledge than other people, and I pity them and reaffirm my awesomeness. Also, someone provided another definition of hooping, proving that you do learn something new every day.

    Like

  72. Your poor neighbor is never going to inquire after your health again.

    Like

    loudlyshy recently posted Birthday!.

  73. I always try to sneak dirty things in when talking to elderly people. Things that they could only know if they are in the loop. Ususally it’s slang like, Lemon Party, teabagging or jokes from 30 Rock. You meet the coolest old people that way. Although the best is when they ask you what it means and you can see their face as you explain it to them.

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  74. I’m totally Googling Hula Hoop Porn today. How could I not??? Awesome, Jenny!!!

    Like

    Abbey recently posted Is the female orgasm necessary or just icing on the cake?.

  75. Honestly now, how many people immediatly after reading this post Googled “hula hoop porn”?

    Like

  76. I am slo-o-owly learning to do anything interesting with my hoop –I can keep it going around my waist for forever, but that’s really about it.

    That being said, I went to a kink convention last year, where I wound up entering in something called the “Pants-off Dance-off”. It was sortof a stripping/dancing contest. I happened to have my hoop with me.

    So, I can vouch for at least one instance in the world of someone stripping while hooping. And apparently I had enough of an effect that when I ran into total strangers at another con four months later, they were SUPER EXCITED to be meeting “hula-hoop girl”. Eep?

    ~Sor

    Like

  77. I think your neighbor does deserve some homemade gift from you for the holiday season. Hmmmm, I’m thinking cookies. Cookies in the shape of naked hula hoop porn people. Tis the season.

    Like

    Laurie F. recently posted My Astrological Sign.

  78. I love old people! My own grandma didn’t know what a lesbian was until she overheard some women talking about gays in a public restroom. She was in her 50’s at the time.

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  79. My day is almost complete after reading this…and now I must google hula hoop porn.

    Like

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  80. 82
    ColbertsMonkey

    Retarded.

    Like

  81. At least you’ve given her something interesting to talk about to other people.

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  82. The question is…would you naked hula hoop?

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    Mrs Dzo recently posted Do You Believe?.

  83. Oh. That poor. poor woman. Actually, I bet she ran inside, ordered a hula hoop online and then googled, “Rule 34”.

    Like

    Craftwhack recently posted Full-on Holiday Mode.

  84. I got done reading this and saw that there were 69 comments.

    Like

  85. She probably is an adult hoola hoop porn addict and she was dumbfounded to know you, her neighbor, has found her on HHP sites on which she poses in full swing. Now she’s sitting in her kitching wondering if you were the one peering in the window when she was adjusting her coconuts.

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  86. Are you taking bets on how long before the “for sale” sign goes up in your neighbor’s yard?

    Like

  87. I would LOVE to be your neighbor. My neighbor never talks about anything interesting.

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    Stacey recently posted Five Unique Gift Ideas (That Don't Require a Trip to the Mall).

  88. Maybe, just maybe your elderly neighbor was disappointed you weren’t hooping nekid. I think you should show up on her doorstep with a couple of hula hoops and a bottle of whiskey. See what kind of face she makes then!

    Like

  89. oh! welcome back, good break in Florida? Oh, and btw again, heard a colleague from the Houston Chronicle on BBC Radio 4 this AM, Perma Patel, say Hi, fine report

    Like

    Tom Stronach recently posted A Christmas Conversation in the making.

  90. Alicia from Texas, look what you’ve done: your comment has triggered the existence of internet arthritis porn.

    Like

  91. You and I should totally have a conversation sometime because that’s the response I get from things I say 99% of the time I open my mouth. We could have a conversation about nothing and both walk away feeling educated! Or maybe we would just both walk away feeling better that there is someone else like us in the world. Frankly, I think we (especially you!!) make the world a better place!! 😀

    Like

  92. –>I think you should put a hula hoop on Beyonce just for your neighbor’s benefit.

    Like

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  93. Does the adult hula hooping help you lose weight? Because anything that helps lose weight is worth doing, naked or not.

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  94. And to think I can never come up with anything interesting to say when I run into the neighbors…

    Like

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted What Possessed You?.

  95. This is hilarious. However, if you do Google it…..I wonder if it will be one of those “google easter eggs” and the word google will start doing hula-hooping porn? Anyone NOT try it? Didn’t think so.

    Like

    Catherine recently posted I have a Confession…...

  96. The only thing better than this post was all the excellent comments! Especially @Dana, THANK YOU for the link to the naked hula hooping on pornhub. If I had a bod like that and could move it like that, I’d do naked hula hoop porn in a hot second.
    Also, Jenny, you gotta give the elderly a chance. You’re educating the new generation (of elders). Last night I read my (elderly) mom your recent “ill-advised” column. It was difficult because I kept laughing so hard I’d have to stop and backtrack. At the end she said, “It all seemed pretty normal until the genital lice.”
    You gave me the opportunity to introduce genital lice into a conversation with my mom, just like bringing hoop porn into your neighbor’s day. That’s special. It’s a gift. You (and your elderly neighbor, and Victor) should treasure that gift.

    Like

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  97. I can only imagine the conversation she went inside to have with her husband… trying to figure out what all those crazy kids are doing today…

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    Christene recently posted Stuff I Did.

  98. The Bloggess: Scarring geriatrics for years.

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  99. plus side she didn’t run away screaming, but you may want to watch for black vans parked in front of your house for hours. Just saying

    Like

  100. Jenny, you are a goddess! What a great day to own an internet.

    Like

  101. haha…that’s awesome!

    Like

    The Bipolar Diva recently posted Lingerie And Trees.

  102. Dude– back up– I refuse to even answer when people make any comments that suggest i look like shit. Like, the, “you look tired,” which is really code for, “you are way ugly today, yo.” “You look sort of limpy??” I’d have given her a, “you look like of geriatric.”

    Like

  103. 105
    Zeke the wonder hamster

    Do you have old distant relatives in sweden? I am SURE we are related…

    Like

  104. Well, if there wasn’t hula hoop porn BEFORE this post, there will be NOW. Rule #35 of the Internet is that whatever happens on The Bloggess, never STAYS on the Bloggess.

    I foresee a trend on the Google/Yahoo/Blahblahblah-search-engines today….

    Like

    tracey - Justanothermommy recently posted The Sounds.

  105. If there is elderly gay black midget porn, there is hoop porn.

    Like

    Ashley recently posted My Year In Photos.

  106. Having an asthma day so you just made me do the wheezy laugh, which I greatly needed.

    Like

  107. Is this going to be like Catvertising, where 6 months from now someone else is making a bundle off of YOUR idea for hula hoop porn?

    Like

    Keely recently posted Controversy.

  108. I saw this on Twitter, wondered if I should click it because I know what rule 34 is.

    I clicked it. It was worth the risk.

    Like

  109. How does one find adult hula-hooping groups? Competitions? I would so totally rock that.

    Like

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  110. I have a friend who is part of a hooking group. The crocheting thingy. Yours sounds more fun, but possibly dangerous.

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    Kat recently posted Making a list and…forget checking it just get to the stores.

  111. 113
    wasnt_serious

    So after discussing hula hoop porn with your neighbor…she needs to be rebooted?

    Like

  112. I was debating the Higgs-Boson particle with an associate today and noted that within a 20 second time frame our conversation went from particle physics to who was the better Darren Stephens: Dick York or Dick Sargeant. I think we’ll save the porn conversation until lunchtime…

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    Jen recently posted I Put The 'Ho in Holiday.

  113. I didn’t even know there was adult clothed hula hooping.

    I need to get out more.

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  114. Fun fact, hula hoop porn is actually called “hula-humping”.

    Actually its not, but it should be.

    Like

  115. congrats on hooping! YAY!

    Like

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  116. My downstairs neighbour was playing Wham! so loudly yesterday it was rattling things on shelves in my apartment, so you are welcome to come up here and try to scare him into moving by saying anything that pops into your mind. ANYTHING AT ALL. Carte blanche.

    Because whatever you say is probably more legal than what I’m planning.

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  117. Closely followed by rule 34b, if it does not exist, it will shortly.
    I usually use “unicorn porn” as an example. Yes, it exists.

    Like

  118. Oh there is no doubt about it- Hula hooping is a gateway skill. Leads to playing jacks and shooting smack.

    Like

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  119. neighbor seems kinda shady. perhaps you tapped into the underground naked hula hoop ring?

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    Simone recently posted Set the world on fire.

  120. I am impressed with your ability to be so honest.

    Unless of course you are doing porny hula-hooping and not sharing. In that case then you should just shout that shit out loud.

    The world needs to know.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted If you want out it’s up to you, indeed.

  121. I’m worried that your neighbor might still be standing outside, dumbfounded. Hope it’s not too cold….

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  122. Which would be more disturbing: finding that this post was the first hit on a search for something “naked hula hoop porn”, or finding that it wasn’t?

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  123. I’m sure she went back in to check out Rule 34.

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    Vicky recently posted I saw him! I Caught Santa Giveaway!.

  124. I can’t think of anyone–even supermodels–who would look good doing naked hula hoop porn. There’s that whole awkward trying-to-keep-the-hoop up focus that would totally ruin any sexiness that could possibly exist putting those two activities together.

    Like

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted A Weekend Full of Surprises. Except Love, Actually.

  125. I wish I lived next door…never mind, I don’t want to live in Texas.

    I wish you lived next door to me, so we could have these kinds of conversations! 🙂

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  126. Adult Hula Hoop?

    Is that like remedial hula hoop for those that didn’t master that skill set as a kid?

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  127. My kids now recognize the raucous laughter that means I am reading your blog.

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  128. p.s. Jenny, have you changed the title of your book (that I ocd pre-ordered months ago?) Or did I have one too many shots of marshmallow vodka? Yes, it does exist.

    Like

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  129. Rural Texas has neighbors?

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  130. I had no idea you were into hula porn!

    Like

    Marinka recently posted Gifted.

  131. My 75-year-old mother just cruised into Austin for the holidays listening to KLBJ in her old lady Buick. NOT KLBJ-AM talk radio, but KLBJ-FM, the Rock of Austin. Figured a little Led Zeppelin would keep her awake on the road. And she was very actively drumming on the steering wheel to the music. That’s my mama; a little old proper-looking Texas lady grooving to Led Zeppelin on the highway.

    However, she would be completely befuddled by hula-hoop porn. She only found out about 69ing a few years ago, and I had to tell her.

    Like

    Zippy recently posted Merry Christmas, Y'all.

  132. Ha! I’ve had that comic hanging over my computer for ages. Love it!

    Like

  133. 137
    Ginger McPastry

    This is a little thing I have called BIF aka Broken Internal Filter. It is truly a gift to have BIF. I use it frequently to repay my mormon parents for my upbringing. The fun never ends.

    Like

  134. Things I hope I never see include my 46 year old chubby body naked and hula-hooping. Plus I’m afraid me + hula-hooping would move earth off it’s axis or something equally disastrous and apocalyptic-ish.

    Can you tell I’m having a “fat” day. Thanks, PMS + grief.

    Like

    kim recently posted In other news, I’m pregnant. With the Buddha. Congratulations, Buddhism..

  135. At this point you should probably send her some links to rule34 websites so she can better understand what you were talking about. Then again, she is elderly, so she probably doesn’t have the internet, let alone one of those new-fangled contraptions called a computer. Invite her over to dinner, hook the computer up to the big screen and have a nice rule 34 party.

    Like

  136. You know what would be awesome? If you gave your neighbor a hula hoop for Christmas!

    Damn, I wish you were my neighbor…

    Like

    Natalie recently posted Because You Already Know I’m All Sorts of White Trash…White Trash Gift Ideas.

  137. I was always terrible with a hula hoop as a kid. I can only figure that this is still the case, times million in my adult years.

    Nice xkcd reference.

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Pyrotechnics, the cheap way. And some opinions on some teas..

  138. Clearly not a reader of this here blog. Don’t sweat it though, normal people just don’t get us. I say things all the time that buzz right over their heads. Hula hoop porn really sounds like too much work, really.

    WG
    http://itsmynd.blogspot.com

    Like

    WilyGuy recently posted Please Don't Mess with My Anthem!.

  139. You know, of course, the corollary to rule 34…

    Like

    Not Supermom recently posted No words.

  140. This is exactly why I peek out the windows for any pesky neighbors BEFORE I go and check my mail.

    Like

    Blondie recently posted Lies and Torments I've Subjected My Kids To..

  141. Sometimes it is just better to say Hello and go back inside.

    Like

    Tracy Frederico recently posted Oops! I forgot, again and again and again....

  142. I understand your predicament. Hubby and I are in our fifties. Hubby and I “swing dance.” Whenever I say that to anyone I am always compelled to add that this does not mean we go to dances where all the keys are thrown into a bowl and whoever’s keys you pull out is who you go home with—-that instead, this refers to dance styles like the Jitterbug, Lindy, and Charleston. We belong to two swing dance clubs/societies for which we have membership cards. Hubby, on the other hand, takes great pleasure in telling people we are “card carrying swingers.” What can I say? I love that dirty old man….

    Like

  143. Oh, and speaking of naked……I’ve heard that the best possible diet is to eat everything in front of a mirror——–NAKED. Yep. That should do it!

    Like

  144. “hooping” not to be confused with “hooking” one small letter and they’re not that far apart on the keyboard.

    Like

  145. Just think of it of education.

    Like

  146. ‘As’! I meant ‘as’! (not ass) I suck at spelling… sorry… -_-‘

    Like

  147. It only makes sense that we should be related.

    Like

    tokenblogger recently posted cHannukah….

  148. Me thinks you should buy her a hoola-hoop for Christmas and wrap it so it looks OBVIOUS that it’s a hoola-hoop. Then, attach a tag that says “Cum join me anytime! Merry Christmas! XoXo, Jenny”. Make Victor put it on her porch, ring the bell and run.

    Oh how I would shit my pants laughing at her response.

    Like

  149. I’m kind of disturbed that there is porn for that.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted Christmas Traditions ... then and now..

  150. Perhaps she is unfamiliar with both the words porn and Internet. Can you imagine that confusion? I know dome Texas grandmas with that affliction.

    Like

    Heather recently posted That sounded so much better in my head…..

  151. wondering if i should click that link…

    jenna
    callherhappy.com

    Like

    Jenna@CallHerHappy recently posted Starting a Family. Starting a Tradition..

  152. Jenny, you ARE socially awkward penguin.

    And that is why you are so loved…. and, you know, why your neighbour is so damaged.

    ____________________________________________

    Like

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted When did hot Gavin Rossdale turn into Coach from Survivor?!?!.

  153. You should probably invite your neighbor to your fabulous dinner party. She sounds like she’d bring out the most interesting in everybody!

    Like

  154. This is why my husband gets the mail. Not just because the mailbox is in front of the scary dog house.

    Like

  155. Neighbor lady’s got to be used to this by now, no?

    Like

    Stephanie recently posted Momma’s12 Days of Christmas Presents I Miss My Nana by Psychodynamom.

  156. the idea of a dude doing ‘adult’ hula hooping is probably like most Lars Von Trier films: a veritable glut of floppy members.

    Like

    Beesus recently posted 10 Different Things That Can Happen To Your Mail.

  157. Psssh, whatevs. I can’t even go places supervised. I don’t know what it is about being out and about that makes me feel like talking about shaking babies and lighting republican candidates on fire is a good idea but suffice to say hubby is wary of being in public with me. Is there a pill for that? To make me stop talking about shaking babies? There has to be a pill for that. Think of all the people such a pill would help! YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME, WORLD.

    Like

    Chelsea recently posted PROOF that my Husband Loves Me... Or That He is Lulling Me into a False Sense of Security Before Killing Me in My Sleep...... Whatevs..

  158. Congratulations. You have just made me want to switch places with an elderly woman, A feat that has never been accomplished before today.

    Like

    Trish recently posted My Shiny Balls.

  159. Husband has rules for me like this one…I try to pick the things I don’t want to do and get him to make rules about me not being allowed to do them.

    Like

    Tina, Escrow Goddess recently posted She is called Replacement Dog for a reason, either that or my vet is working me for the cash!.

  160. 165
    Imperfectmomma

    Wait….why not? You have the best awkward conversations ever.

    Like

  161. Fun fact: hula hoop porn was invented to replace the badly conceived idea of ‘lawn dart porn.’

    Like

    moooooog35 recently posted Shelf Elf Kama Sutra.

  162. Awkward conversations are the best kind!

    Like

    Gina aka Slappy recently posted Twenty Years.

  163. I work very odd hours and I swear the UPS delivery man must think I am a complete bum: every time he comes at (usually around 11 a.m.) I have to roll out of bed, throw some sort of semblance of an outfit on and stumble to the door. He smirks every time. Maybe I should bring up porn to him …. you know, to make it less awkward.

    Like

    Leslie recently posted Why am I surprised?.

  164. Speaking of adult things, sometimes my life feels like something that would happen to you….

    Instead of boring old tissue paper, I decided to print out a shitton of Victorian erotica on old loose leaf and stuff my friend’s Christmas present box with that. Unfortunately, I’m really lazy, so I left it lying around my room and now my parents think I’m running some weird underground erotica operation. Also, I have about fifteen pages left over. Do you know of anyone who would appreciate top-quality Victorian erotica printed on wide-ruled notebook paper?

    Like

    Jessica recently posted Every rook and jay in the Corvidae's been raving about me, too.

  165. I’ve just recently been written up at work for having nearly this same conversation, only in regards to “naked yoga”. I was ‘overheard’ telling a customer who had been telling me about hot yoga, that I knew very little aboutyoga, beyond once seeing the Suicide Girls do naked yoga. I remarked how ironic it seemed that clothed people did ‘hot yoga’ while those poor girls had had to do it naked in a cold warehouse.

    I just thought it was kinda amusing, I didn’t think it was like, offensive.

    Like

    Shadesiren recently posted Welcome!.

  166. I wish you were my neighbor.

    Like

  167. I’m a firm believer in Rule #34 of the Internet.

    Like

    kim recently posted absolutely not.

  168. I don’t understand why you are no longer allowed to go to the mailbox without supervision. I’m pretty sure that this is a perfectly acceptable conversation to have with your elderly neighbor. You’re keeping her abreast of modern day trends, both porn and non-porn related, that will help her appear cool to her grandchildren’s children’s children.

    Put this one in The Good Bloggess folder. You have earned your wings!

    Like

    Jessica recently posted Cleary The TSA Hates Christmas.

  169. I’ve done alot of things with a hoola hoop. I was very adept at it. Sadly, porn never even occured to me. My husband says I was very sheltered, I’m 37 and only just learned what fa-shizzle my nizzle meant. My 14 year old just laughed at me.

    Like

    Christine Bobowski-Powell recently posted It's a gray day.

  170. I actually found something that there ISN’T porn of, but I’m keeping it a secret in case I ever have the funds to launch it and make bank.

    But, most people don’t know about Rule 34. In that context, anyway.

    Like

    Jen recently posted Wordless Wednesday, December 21 2011.

  171. Awesome. Just awesome.

    After coming across your blog a couple of weeks ago, I then spent the next few weeks at work reading it all from start to finish. Not sure what to put on my timesheets at work, but I am sure I am a better person for it. Probably couldn’t be worse. . .

    Like

  172. That’s why old people should stay inside.

    Like

    Carri recently posted All I Want For Christmas is For This Whore to Go Away.

  173. Hula hooping is so much fun!! Check out http://www.hoopcity.ca. Really great hooping community.🙂 Glad to hear you’re trying it out!

    Like

    Abby recently posted Earrings - Pink Fabric, Wire, Green Glass Beads.

  174. Hhaaaaaaaaaaahahahhha.

    Like

    Lindsay recently posted Craigslist sadness.

  175. Oh my shits. I just realized I spelled HULA HOOP wrong on my previous comment (#148). What a fuckstick. Sorry… I’ll go back to my corner now. No more typing for me after Vodka and Xanax smoothies.

    Like

  176. Did she ever get to meet Victor? Cause in a different post you said they wanted to meet Victor when he was out of town.

    Like

  177. brilliant post as usual, Only you could have arthritis and porn in the same conversation, i love it, see ya next year, happy christmas

    Like

    julie recently posted Cameron throws down the gauntlet.

  178. Could you have maybe mentioned the idea of hula hoop porn back around, say…October?

    Would have certainly helped with my holiday funds account.

    Hell…there’s always V-day. I’ll just start early.

    Like

    Carrie recently posted Rockin Around the Christmas Tree. With my twang..

  179. All it took to shock our elderly neighbors was them knowing I lived with Spousal Unit before we were married. If your neighbors are anything like mine, you went above and beyond the call of duty. Though I really hope there isn’t a group out there with a goal of shocking the elderly.

    Like

    Allison recently posted A Few Seconds of Joy.

  180. She was probably just jealous. You get to partake in fun activities, while she’s stuck with low-energy adult hobbies like canuding, crotchet and the occasional round of whores shoes.

    Like

    bschooled recently posted Last Minute Christmas Gift Ideas.

  181. you know what was REALLY entertaining? changing the title of the person speaking so YOU were the neighbor and she was you. I thought she was informing YOU about hula hoop porn

    Like

    Lala recently posted Protected: anger.

  182. As an entrepreneur I see great potential for the “adult hula hoop” idea. I think I might abandon my current project, making scabies farms for children, and perhaps funnel some scratch into this idea.

    Like

    Gwen recently posted Sabotaging My Job Search!.

  183. If table tennis is considered an Olympic sport, I see no reason why we can’t nominate naked hooping.

    Like

  184. Rule 34 means someone is fapping to this very comment. Hi, pervert!

    Like

    DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted The Lost Foreword to The Missing Link.

  185. You are totally going to get followed by your own neighborhood watch.

    Like

    Lorca Damon recently posted The Frugal Christmas.

  186. You should hand out pamphelts on it, just so no one is out of the loop. Maybe with pictures…

    Like

    Renee recently posted Someone’s giving my LSD in my sleep, and I’m kinda okay with it.

  187. And, that’s why I don’t like those communal mailboxes. New kind of por0 every time you check the mail!

    Like

    elz recently posted Christmas at our House.

  188. Imagining that woman searching for the porn version of all things that exist….

    Like

    WendyB recently posted Wear What You Want Because It Hurts Me So Good.

  189. Can I just say that I was so lucky the day I linked to a picture of a five foot chicken? Thank you, thank you for making me laugh out loud ALL THE TIME! You rock!

    Like

  190. +1 for Beyonce w a Hula Hoop (chicken Beyonce, of course)

    Like

  191. So that link wasn’t quite what I was hoping for. But you gave me the idea to google hula hoop porn. Thank you.

    Like

    Kernut the Blond recently posted Guest Post: A Holiday Letter From Da Kitteh.

  192. And you rank page one, eighth listing, when googling that phrase. Very clever, Jenny. Very clever indeed.

    Like

    Kernut the Blond recently posted Guest Post: A Holiday Letter From Da Kitteh.

  193. Startling the elderly is an art form. I just hope she appreciates the cardio.

    Like

    Cathy recently posted People With ADD Should Not Go to Pier One.

  194. We ran into our neighbour and had a chat today … wasn’t any where near as fun a conversation as yours🙂

    Like

  195. Dammit Jenny. I have one of these bright rainbow colored weighted hula hoops. It just sits in my living-room because I believe if I leave it there either I can somehow channel the formation of abs or that eventually I’ll use it. Now I can’t use it because I KNOW I would be swirling my hips and thinking of an elderly woman thinking about you engaging in hula porn. Somehow I will feel guilty, and a little dirty.

    Like

    Monkeygirl recently posted Get That Elf Off My Shelf!!.

  196. I wouldn’t be surprised if your elderly neighbor has her own blog and seeks you out because you provide such primo material! “Oh” indeed!

    Like

    Cheryl D. recently posted I Think My Daughter's Newest Toy Is on the Spectrum!.

  197. I thought you weren’t allowed to check the mail unsupervised anymore because you forgot you ordered things like cobra/rodent death-match taxidermy…

    Like

  198. How would she like it if you called HER limpy?

    Like

    Jell Jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown recently posted Ask Mama Jells: What do I need to know about cloth diapers?.

  199. In a world where women pay to take lessons in dry humping a genuine fake bronze-plated pole in the middle of a chilly room in Danskins, I have no trouble, sadly, imagining that there is naked Hula Hooping being engaged in. I’m just surprised that I haven’t seen it packaged in 10 Easy Lessons at $15 a pop and written up in GLAMOUR or MARIE-CLAIRE.

    Does anyone read GLAMOUR anymore?

    Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, Honored Bloggess.

    Like

    The Pliers recently posted "All In A Night's Scrolling...".

  200. “naked hula hoop porn”
    Hahaha Yeah, I can see your neighbour’s array of shocked facial expressions! Bet she had a lot to think on for the rest of the day😛

    All of our neighbours are showing an array of shocked facial expressions as well these days, including arrays of murderous ones. They all think we got Georg, our 75 kg puppy, so he could eat their children. We didn’t. He wouldn’t. Unless they dip their children in beef stock. Perhaps I should tell them this…

    Like

    Eli recently posted Puppy Update - Vet.

  201. Episodes like this are why I don’t have neighbors. It’s bad enough when they slow down to see what kind of antic I’m up to next. If they got to talk to me too often it probably wouldn’t be good for anyone. Cute link! Cute….porno…that’s just wrong. But accurate.

    Like

    Robin recently posted Thoughts.

  202. Hahaha! Love it!

    Like

    Toni K recently posted Christmas Ornaments!.

  203. Frankly, your neighbour should make more of an effort. I mean, hula hoop porn? Who wouldn’t find that funny?

    If it’s any consolation, my neighbour once knocked on the door to check if I was okay because she “heard a woman screaming”. My boyfriend had been tickling me, and my high-pitched laugh had been misinterpreted as a desperate cry for help.

    And now both tickling and laughter is banned in the house😦

    Like

    Jo and the Novelist recently posted Dealing with shit.

  204. I can confirm the existence of hula hoop porn. I used to do hoop classes at a burlesque school. They used to rent out the office space to a guy called Harvey (who also helped run their website and admin) and sometimes they rented out the main space as well. Harvey told me that one day he was working in his office, and he stepped out into the main space to go get a coffee, and was confronted by a bunch of naked women hula hooping with neon, light-up hoops in the dark. Apparently the school had rented the space out to the local pornographers. (Who have since moved to Norway or Sweden or something due to numerous run-ins with council by-laws.) Anyway, no one had told Harvey, and he spent the rest of the day hiding in his office wondering when he would be allowed to come out. Apparently he had to pee in a Coke bottle and a lady saw him do it through the window. End of story.

    Like

  205. Are you bruised around your waist yet? That one is fun to try to explain too… tends to happen when you get over-zealous when you’re starting out with your hooping addiction. 🙂

    If only you could have taped that conversation… I’m sure your neighbor’s expression was priceless.

    Like

  206. This is just fantastic. I laughed and spilt my coffee. Now i have a mess on my desk and need more java. thanks jenny for making my boss realize I wasn’t actually working. good thing i brought him a bottle of wine as a Christmas gift this morning…

    Seriously though, you inspire me to actually say the things i think instead of just imagining how the conversation would go IF i said it.

    Jessimus

    Like

    Jessimus recently posted H2H Challenge - Mother's Day Card.

  207. I think it was vintage porn; like Debbie does hula hoop or something like that……..

    Like

    Bill Dorman recently posted You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

  208. Not only is there porn, I’m sure there are people out there with kinky hula hoop fetishes. (Not sure HOW, but somebody somewhere in the universe will have figured out a way…)

    Like

    Claire J recently posted Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong….

  209. You probably got your neighbor thinking about how she could “supplement” her income…I mean, she’s an adult…just very very adult.

    Like

  210. There’s probably also “awkward conversations with your neighbor” porn. Actually, isn’t most porn just a bunch of awkward conversations?

    Like

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Lite-Brite, Lite-Brite, Turn on the Magic of Disappointing Lights.

  211. This might be one of my favorite conversation posts of yours EVER. I’m going to have to search all kinds of porn now just because. I don’t have convos with my neighbors. It could be why one of them welcomed me to the neighborhood in July. I’ve lived here for 7 years. I can make anything about me…

    Like

    Karen Sanders recently posted An Old 45.

  212. Granny probably went home with a twinkle in her eye and got out the hula hoop for Pappy.

    Like

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted CHA-CHING!.

  213. I’m not man enough to click the link–but I can confirm from expereince the truth of internet rule #34. I once mentioned on my blog some uncomfortability I had watching a Nature special on the spotted skunk. The spraying action was so graphic, I said that to me, it felt like “skunk porn.”

    Yeah. Lesson learned. Don’t use the phrase skunk porn. LOTS OF HITS after that from crazy motherfuckers who are into skunks. Or into something. I’ve been too terrifed to google what “skunk porn” REALLY means.

    Why so scary, internet people? Really.

    Like

    Team Suzanne recently posted My holiday card full of festive ambiguity.

  214. Yeah for hula hooping! Or hooping, which has several very naughty definitions.
    Cheers!

    Like

  215. This is why my neighbors don’t talk to me.

    Like

    Dom recently posted Weird Day.

  216. Honestly? I bet your neighbor confused the word porn with corn, since porn probably has a different meaning for the elderly. So I bet the confusion was based on him/her visualizing you trying to use a hula hoop, potentially naked, and eating corn either 1)on the cob or 2)loose and in a bowl with a spoon.

    Like

    francerants recently posted Christmas Card Rant.

  217. You cannot imagine the level of my surprise that 219 comments in and no one has made a “sass that hoopy frood” reference! SO I HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU. You’re welcome, America. And possibly Britain, where Douglas Adams was from. I think. I’m not some sort of reference guide.

    Also I too am a hula-hooper over the age of 10. It’s fantastic and will now result in an awkward conversation with your doctor in which you explain that no, those are not S&M bruises, you’ve just been doing a children’s activity. Luckily I visit a clinic and rarely see the same doctor twice. They probably already told all of the other doctors, though. What a bunch of bastards.

    OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING I’M GOING TO STOP TYING NOW

    Like

  218. And now I’m tempted to google “bean dip porn.”

    Like

    Yvonne recently posted Looking Up, Letting Go.

  219. The word “porn” isn’t used nearly enough in casual conversations. Three cheers to you!

    Like

    anna @ HaHas for HooHas recently posted Your Lawn looks … So Festive … *nervous laugh*.

  220. I plan to work the word porn into a conversation with a neighbor at least once a week.

    Like

    clevelandpoet recently posted TMI Thursday: Cat pee edition.

  221. It seems like maybe your neighbour needed a demonstration.

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Trying is the operative word.

  222. Is it just me, or was anybody else disappointed that the link didn’t take you to hula hoop porn?

    Like

  223. Sounds like my hubby. We were discussing if candy counted as dessert. Cause it TOTALLY does.

    So, he asked one of the store clerks if candy counted as dessert. Totally seriously. Another store clerk got involved. The first one was all serious and acted like she didn’t know what chocolate oranges were. You know the ones you hit to break apart? The second lady knew and was helping to describe it to the first lady, who was trying to suggest alternate dessert ideas.
    Ugh

    Like

    Jen Marie recently posted Fantasy Fudge.

  224. Yes… but is there Naked Hula-Hoop Giant Metal Chicken porn?

    Enquiring minds want to know.

    ~EdT.

    Like

    EdT. recently posted Hap”Bee” Holidays… for Those Who Dislike Elves.

  225. Yaaaay. Another hooper. Keep at it, you’re going to love it! And eventually you don’t bruise so much!!!!!

    Like

  226. You’ll never see this because you have too many comments, but I just wanted to say I paid it forward today. I had a girlfriend who was having a freakish bad holiday moment (i.e. in-laws came into town a day early) (so NOT ok) and so I went to Home Goods and found a fucking metal rooster (named it JayZ by the way) and left it with some cards at her front door. So THANK YOU for that!!!!!!!! She laughed her ass off because although it was not Beyonce 2.0 it was Jay Z. Smaller and that may be an issue in his future….you slay me!

    Like

  227. It must be entertaining to have you as a neighbor. I wish you would move in next door.

    Like

  228. Your elderly neighbor was probably so taken aback because she started the naked hula hoop movement in 1956 and thought that after living for years in obscurity she was bout to make it to the big time because you were a rabid fan about to attack her and anyone who gets attacked by a rabid fan gets the cover of People.

    I’d say that’s a pretty likely theory.

    Like

    Emily Sims recently posted I might be a lunch bully..

  229. The poor woman. She’s probably still in shock. And/or the culprit of the missing Missing Rattlesnake sign.

    Like

    Sheri recently posted for those who will buy anything if you call it a “deal”.

  230. That could have been my best and/or I talking to someone. We, too, are not allowed to check the mail without supervision. Or go make cigarettes. Or go to the store…you get the idea. When one of your stories starts with “It all started with the Dark Wizard”, people start looking at you funny.

    Susan
    http://75percenthippie.blogspot.com
    http://happyhippieheart.blogspot.com

    Like

    Susan F recently posted A Necessary Humiliation.

  231. I totally blamed you😛 just sayin

    Like

    Sephani Paige recently posted The Bloggess Made Me Do It.

  232. Oh God, I just peed myself…

    Like

    Ms Kate recently posted Merry Christmas!.

  233. My mom and stepdad just got a 65 inch 3D tv for Christmas. The first thing my mom says is “I wonder if they have 3D porn”. Does the rule apply? I think so!

    Like

  234. I don’t know what compels me to come back here, again, again, I think because I can relate..to the awkwardness.

    Like

  235. I meant again and again….really because it makes me laugh until I nearly wet my pants…

    Like

  236. I’ve just started reading your amazing blog and have been working my way backwards and have to share that I, too, have taken adult hula-hooping. Actually, it was my friend Jenn who signed up, I was just visiting her in San Francisco and she emailed me to say “Do you want to go to my hula hooping class w/me on Thursday?” and of course my answer was “YESYESYESYESYES,” because we should all do kid things as adults and feel silly and weird and awesome and awkward whenever possible. So we were by far the youngest people there (at 40 and 41 years old) and we started by warming up to Shania Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like a Woman,” and Jenn was admonished by the teacher to not sing along. I haven’t laughed so hard for an hour in a long time. Cheers to you and your hula hoop adventure!

    Like

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