My neighbor is a woman of few words, but a surprising array of shocked facial expressions.

in Random Crap

Conversation with my elderly neighbor at our mailboxes:

Neighbor: Is your arthritis bothering you again?  You look sort of limpy.

me:  No, I’m just sore.  I started doing adult hula hooping.

Neighbor:  …Oh.

me:  I mean, not “adult”  like “naked hula hoop porn”.  It’s just hula hooping for grown-ups.  With clothes on.

Neighbor:  Oh.

me:  Honestly, I don’t even know if there’s such thing as hula hoop porn.

Neighbor:  Oh.

me:  There probably is though.  Rule 34 of the internet, you know.

Neighbor:  Oh?

me:  “If it exists there is a porn for it.”

Neighbor: Oh.

me:  I should probably go back inside now.

Neighbor:  Oh.

And then I went back inside and she just stood there.  And that’s why I’m not allowed to go check the mail unsupervised anymore.

242 thoughts on “My neighbor is a woman of few words, but a surprising array of shocked facial expressions.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Just the mention of a porn you think doesn’t exist will automatically call it forth unto existance. *Shudder* Why won’t my brain turn off!!??

  4. I am also a hooper. I have a different misunderstanding when trying to explain my hobby as ‘hooping’ can also refer to taking illegal drugs by sticking them up your ass! =D

    As for hula hoop porn, you could check out photos from burning man. There’s a lot of naked hooping going on there, so its sorta like softcore hoop porn.

  6. I have a P O Box, and lead a boring life. But P O Box does offer gifts ! my calendar is in, and my dad will be opening his tonight-we-party-as-is-we-all-had-ponies shirt this weekend. He will rock the phuck out of it.

  7. There are probably no truer words than “If it exists there is a porn for it.”

    Who knew there was Amish amputee beastiality porn? I certainly didn’t till someone sent it to me recently.

    Ho ho ho

  9. You should start hula hooping in your front yard and give your neighbor the sexy eye to shock her into thinking you are gonna start getting naked while hula hooping.

  10. Naked adult hula-hoop porn. Sounds like a great theme for the New Year’s Eve party I’m planning!

  13. I never, ever, EVER go to the mailbox without first peering out every window in the house to make sure no neighbors are out.

  15. You need to find several sites for things like luge porn and knitting porn, then bring over your laptop, knock on her door, and yell, “SEE? I TOLD YOU.”

    It’s important to maintain good neighborly relations.

  19. If you can’t make your neighbor feel awkward and uncomfortable, who can you? Also, there IS a porn for everything, someone found my blog searching “naked grandmother baking a cake” how the fuck old does google think I am?

  21. You and Allie from hyperboleandahalf should collaborate on this post: you do the writing and she can draw the facial expressions of your neighbor. Although I don’t know if this post could handle that much genius.

  25. Just start hula-hooping with your blinds open and windows open. That way, when she sees you, you can shout, “SEE? ALL MY CLOTHES ARE ON! NOT WEIRD AT ALL!”

  26. Brilliant! I’m always happy to see xkcd cited.

    So, is this adult hula hooping a group activity? Kind of like a spin class? I’m intrigued. Also somewhat dizzied by the images in my head.

  27. of course, I just had to go find out if rule 34 actually holds true in this case. do not google it at work. Not only is there hula hoop related porn, but there is actual SEO targeting it. Intarwebs win.

  30. Yeah, after I saw that Strange Sex episode with the balloons, I now figure nothing is off limits. And I don’t look at balloons the same.

  32. Oh. It does exist. Thank you Google.

    Also, I think your neighbor deserves some Christmas cookies. If only to erase the thought oh hula hoop porn from her mind.

  35. Practically nude hula hooping is a daily occurrence in this house (though I must confess it is by the preschool set and NOT porn).

    Oh, and I’m having neighbor problems. I’d like to invite you to stop by and strike up a conversation with them. Be sure to mention porn.

  38. LMAO! Oh how I wish I was this witty when “attacked” by my elderly neighbor. Would love to see her with the “oh” expression! Additionally I love so many of your readers comments! They need their own little like buttons, call them humor rewards 🙂

  40. I guess there’s a whole class of porn I haven’t seen yet. The idea of naked hooping, however, has to be right up there with Naked Gymnastics. Except for NG by women from Eastern Block countries – ’cause they kinda look like men. Sorta.

  42. ha to the ha ha. thank you for the morning giggle. I can envision your poor little old lady neighbors face. priceless as usual Miss Jenny. Too funny! Merry Christmas

  45. I’m not allowed to check the mail because if nothing looks fun or interesting, I just leave it in there and it drives my husband crazy.
    Spanx porn is the number one google search that leads people to my blog. I still haven’t figured out a. how spanx are sexy to anyone and b. what combo of words I posted that made this the direct route to my site.

  46. Just going to mention.. I laughed when I read this.. then I went back and read it again, this time imagining myself as you and my 80-year-old neighbor as ‘the neighbor’ and I laughed twice as hard.

  47. huh, now oddly invested in the thought of .. where to buy a hula hoop and find a storm chasing van .. Actually, hula hoop porn ON a storm chasing van could be interesting. Unless it’s parked, then there’s no challenge … but chasing a storm on a storm chasing van while hula hooping … even without porn I’d pay to see that! I gotta Google now …

  48. Wetriffs.com = awesome!

    I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now, and I THINK this is the first time I’ve posted a comment. From all I’ve seen, you shouldn’t be allowed to do much of anything, but I’d sure love to be a fly on the wall when you do do something when your husband isn’t watching.

  52. Are you kidding? You totally made her life way more interesting. At least, that’s how I look at it when I do stuff like that 😉

  53. I just learned about rule 34 last week when someone said theres no porn with people taking off their skin and then I showed them a Robbie Williams music video of exactly that and apparently won the internet.
    It was a strange day

  54. Yeah, immediately “hula hoop porn” popped into my head. Thanks for clearing that up.

    But now I’m thinking you should combine the hooping with your couture. Geisha hula hooping. Red dress hula hooping. A picture of you hula hooping in front of that fancy Red Loster in Belize? PRICELESS.

    Why do they call it hula hooping? No one hoops at luaus. Oh…because of your hips…

    Maybe shaking your hips at your neighbor won’t help either. I’m also guessing she’s hiring someone to check her mail from now on.

  55. I am always massively impressed by the conversations you manage to have with unassuming people. I managed to explain away my 2 year old daughter screaming “COCK” in the grocery store (we really have to work on her diction) while working in how much I hate giving lawyers money and how excited I am to get new wheels for my skates to a total stranger yesterday. WHEE!

  57. Jenny, you mentioned rule 34. Any chance you have a link showing the whole list of rules? ‘Cause you are one of my go-to sites since I discovered your blog this past fall !

  58. Whenever you speak of interactions with the general public I always picture my mother’s face. As a good practical joke I would like to have you buy the house next door so you two could be neighbors. (I’d buy that house, but I’m banned from her subdivision.)

    Also, if there isn’t hula hoop porn there should be. And also hopscotch porn.

  60. “And that’s why I’m not allowed to go check the mail unsupervised anymore.”

    Why? Because Victor’s afraid you’ll record some mailbox porn? #Rule34

  62. It is a little Christmas present to us all to know that Jenny the Bloggess it out there shaking her booty with a hula hoop. And possibly with that wolf skin on at the same time.

  64. is it to late for inclusion in London 2012 Olympics, hula hoop porn, or do you think it will already be on the list of things to do in the athletes village?

  65. I wish I had neighbors like you. Not like your neighbor, but like you. I would be happier living here all alone, my neighbors suck.

  66. I swear, you are what my daughter will become. She’s 13. She’s VERY 13, and she’s really good at it too. Most of the time she leaves me in one of two states: 1. total shock wherein I am forced to pick my jaw up from the ground and try to formulate a cognitive response that is both corrective and mature, 2. gasping for air because I can no longer breathe due to my actually falling down on the floor laughing. <—–that's not an exaggeration. Really. It's like the time she and her dad were going shopping, she asked him, "Where is your hoochie protection?" (she was 8 at the time). My husband says, "My WHAT!??" She says, "You know, your wedding ring…the thing that keeps the hoochies from getting you!"

    See what I mean?

  67. Wait, back up . . . so you were SORE from HULU HOOPING? Huh. That must have been some pretty intense gyrating then.

    Also, you need to suggest to your instructor (are there instructors for adult hula hooping?) that she start an “adult” hula hooping class and give you a percentage because you obviously created the concept. It can be like hula hooping/stripper pole dancing. Sexy like, ya know? Also . . . very sad. But that is besides the point. Do it.

  68. #1 – There is a porn for naked hula hooping. And yes…I’ve seen it. So there. Suspicion confirmed.
    #2 – You probably made her day. Now she and Harold had something to discuss over dinner at 3pm.
    #3 – As it turns out, Harold didn’t have to take viagra last night.

    You’re helping the world one inappropriate conversation after another. Way to go, Jenny.

  69. Well now you totally have to go to your neighborhood lost and found post it board and post a notice that you’ve misplaced your adult hula hoop porn instructional video.

  70. Alicia from Texas December 21, 2011 at 10:23 am wrote
    Only you could have arthritis and porn in the same conversation.

    Whole new pornitunies have been opened up by prescription painkillers.

  71. Shaved a mohawk for Movember and just moved into our new house. In a good mood all day. Step outside for ONE SECOND. Did something that made me angry and swore out loud. Neighbour standing right there. New neighbour. Not met yet.

    I feel your pain.

  72. This is why I check my mailbox at night. I don’t want to scare the neighbors anymore than I already have.

  73. I do this all the time….apparently I just have a much better sense of humor and thirst for knowledge than other people, and I pity them and reaffirm my awesomeness. Also, someone provided another definition of hooping, proving that you do learn something new every day.

  75. I always try to sneak dirty things in when talking to elderly people. Things that they could only know if they are in the loop. Ususally it’s slang like, Lemon Party, teabagging or jokes from 30 Rock. You meet the coolest old people that way. Although the best is when they ask you what it means and you can see their face as you explain it to them.

  78. I am slo-o-owly learning to do anything interesting with my hoop –I can keep it going around my waist for forever, but that’s really about it.

    That being said, I went to a kink convention last year, where I wound up entering in something called the “Pants-off Dance-off”. It was sortof a stripping/dancing contest. I happened to have my hoop with me.

    So, I can vouch for at least one instance in the world of someone stripping while hooping. And apparently I had enough of an effect that when I ran into total strangers at another con four months later, they were SUPER EXCITED to be meeting “hula-hoop girl”. Eep?

    ~Sor

  79. I think your neighbor does deserve some homemade gift from you for the holiday season. Hmmmm, I’m thinking cookies. Cookies in the shape of naked hula hoop porn people. Tis the season.

  80. I love old people! My own grandma didn’t know what a lesbian was until she overheard some women talking about gays in a public restroom. She was in her 50’s at the time.

  87. She probably is an adult hoola hoop porn addict and she was dumbfounded to know you, her neighbor, has found her on HHP sites on which she poses in full swing. Now she’s sitting in her kitching wondering if you were the one peering in the window when she was adjusting her coconuts.

  88. Are you taking bets on how long before the “for sale” sign goes up in your neighbor’s yard?

  90. Maybe, just maybe your elderly neighbor was disappointed you weren’t hooping nekid. I think you should show up on her doorstep with a couple of hula hoops and a bottle of whiskey. See what kind of face she makes then!

  91. oh! welcome back, good break in Florida? Oh, and btw again, heard a colleague from the Houston Chronicle on BBC Radio 4 this AM, Perma Patel, say Hi, fine report

  92. Alicia from Texas, look what you’ve done: your comment has triggered the existence of internet arthritis porn.

  93. You and I should totally have a conversation sometime because that’s the response I get from things I say 99% of the time I open my mouth. We could have a conversation about nothing and both walk away feeling educated! Or maybe we would just both walk away feeling better that there is someone else like us in the world. Frankly, I think we (especially you!!) make the world a better place!! 😀

  97. This is hilarious. However, if you do Google it…..I wonder if it will be one of those “google easter eggs” and the word google will start doing hula-hooping porn? Anyone NOT try it? Didn’t think so.

  98. The only thing better than this post was all the excellent comments! Especially @Dana, THANK YOU for the link to the naked hula hooping on pornhub. If I had a bod like that and could move it like that, I’d do naked hula hoop porn in a hot second.
    Also, Jenny, you gotta give the elderly a chance. You’re educating the new generation (of elders). Last night I read my (elderly) mom your recent “ill-advised” column. It was difficult because I kept laughing so hard I’d have to stop and backtrack. At the end she said, “It all seemed pretty normal until the genital lice.”
    You gave me the opportunity to introduce genital lice into a conversation with my mom, just like bringing hoop porn into your neighbor’s day. That’s special. It’s a gift. You (and your elderly neighbor, and Victor) should treasure that gift.

  99. I can only imagine the conversation she went inside to have with her husband… trying to figure out what all those crazy kids are doing today…

  101. plus side she didn’t run away screaming, but you may want to watch for black vans parked in front of your house for hours. Just saying

  104. Dude– back up– I refuse to even answer when people make any comments that suggest i look like shit. Like, the, “you look tired,” which is really code for, “you are way ugly today, yo.” “You look sort of limpy??” I’d have given her a, “you look like of geriatric.”

  105. Do you have old distant relatives in sweden? I am SURE we are related…

  106. Well, if there wasn’t hula hoop porn BEFORE this post, there will be NOW. Rule #35 of the Internet is that whatever happens on The Bloggess, never STAYS on the Bloggess.

    I foresee a trend on the Google/Yahoo/Blahblahblah-search-engines today….

  108. Having an asthma day so you just made me do the wheezy laugh, which I greatly needed.

  109. Is this going to be like Catvertising, where 6 months from now someone else is making a bundle off of YOUR idea for hula hoop porn?

  110. I saw this on Twitter, wondered if I should click it because I know what rule 34 is.
    …
    I clicked it. It was worth the risk.

  112. I have a friend who is part of a hooking group. The crocheting thingy. Yours sounds more fun, but possibly dangerous.

  114. I was debating the Higgs-Boson particle with an associate today and noted that within a 20 second time frame our conversation went from particle physics to who was the better Darren Stephens: Dick York or Dick Sargeant. I think we’ll save the porn conversation until lunchtime…

  117. Fun fact, hula hoop porn is actually called “hula-humping”.

    Actually its not, but it should be.

  119. My downstairs neighbour was playing Wham! so loudly yesterday it was rattling things on shelves in my apartment, so you are welcome to come up here and try to scare him into moving by saying anything that pops into your mind. ANYTHING AT ALL. Carte blanche.

    Because whatever you say is probably more legal than what I’m planning.

  120. Closely followed by rule 34b, if it does not exist, it will shortly.
    I usually use “unicorn porn” as an example. Yes, it exists.

  123. I am impressed with your ability to be so honest.

    Unless of course you are doing porny hula-hooping and not sharing. In that case then you should just shout that shit out loud.

    The world needs to know.

  128. I can’t think of anyone–even supermodels–who would look good doing naked hula hoop porn. There’s that whole awkward trying-to-keep-the-hoop up focus that would totally ruin any sexiness that could possibly exist putting those two activities together.

  129. I wish I lived next door…never mind, I don’t want to live in Texas.

    I wish you lived next door to me, so we could have these kinds of conversations! 🙂

  132. p.s. Jenny, have you changed the title of your book (that I ocd pre-ordered months ago?) Or did I have one too many shots of marshmallow vodka? Yes, it does exist.

  135. My 75-year-old mother just cruised into Austin for the holidays listening to KLBJ in her old lady Buick. NOT KLBJ-AM talk radio, but KLBJ-FM, the Rock of Austin. Figured a little Led Zeppelin would keep her awake on the road. And she was very actively drumming on the steering wheel to the music. That’s my mama; a little old proper-looking Texas lady grooving to Led Zeppelin on the highway.

    However, she would be completely befuddled by hula-hoop porn. She only found out about 69ing a few years ago, and I had to tell her.

  137. This is a little thing I have called BIF aka Broken Internal Filter. It is truly a gift to have BIF. I use it frequently to repay my mormon parents for my upbringing. The fun never ends.

  138. Things I hope I never see include my 46 year old chubby body naked and hula-hooping. Plus I’m afraid me + hula-hooping would move earth off it’s axis or something equally disastrous and apocalyptic-ish.

    Can you tell I’m having a “fat” day. Thanks, PMS + grief.

  139. At this point you should probably send her some links to rule34 websites so she can better understand what you were talking about. Then again, she is elderly, so she probably doesn’t have the internet, let alone one of those new-fangled contraptions called a computer. Invite her over to dinner, hook the computer up to the big screen and have a nice rule 34 party.

  140. You know what would be awesome? If you gave your neighbor a hula hoop for Christmas!

    Damn, I wish you were my neighbor…

  141. I was always terrible with a hula hoop as a kid. I can only figure that this is still the case, times million in my adult years.

    Nice xkcd reference.

  146. I understand your predicament. Hubby and I are in our fifties. Hubby and I “swing dance.” Whenever I say that to anyone I am always compelled to add that this does not mean we go to dances where all the keys are thrown into a bowl and whoever’s keys you pull out is who you go home with—-that instead, this refers to dance styles like the Jitterbug, Lindy, and Charleston. We belong to two swing dance clubs/societies for which we have membership cards. Hubby, on the other hand, takes great pleasure in telling people we are “card carrying swingers.” What can I say? I love that dirty old man….

  147. Oh, and speaking of naked……I’ve heard that the best possible diet is to eat everything in front of a mirror——–NAKED. Yep. That should do it!

  152. Me thinks you should buy her a hoola-hoop for Christmas and wrap it so it looks OBVIOUS that it’s a hoola-hoop. Then, attach a tag that says “Cum join me anytime! Merry Christmas! XoXo, Jenny”. Make Victor put it on her porch, ring the bell and run.

    Oh how I would shit my pants laughing at her response.

  154. Perhaps she is unfamiliar with both the words porn and Internet. Can you imagine that confusion? I know dome Texas grandmas with that affliction.

  158. This is why my husband gets the mail. Not just because the mailbox is in front of the scary dog house.

  160. the idea of a dude doing ‘adult’ hula hooping is probably like most Lars Von Trier films: a veritable glut of floppy members.

  161. Psssh, whatevs. I can’t even go places supervised. I don’t know what it is about being out and about that makes me feel like talking about shaking babies and lighting republican candidates on fire is a good idea but suffice to say hubby is wary of being in public with me. Is there a pill for that? To make me stop talking about shaking babies? There has to be a pill for that. Think of all the people such a pill would help! YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME, WORLD.

  162. Congratulations. You have just made me want to switch places with an elderly woman, A feat that has never been accomplished before today.

  168. I work very odd hours and I swear the UPS delivery man must think I am a complete bum: every time he comes at (usually around 11 a.m.) I have to roll out of bed, throw some sort of semblance of an outfit on and stumble to the door. He smirks every time. Maybe I should bring up porn to him …. you know, to make it less awkward.

  169. Speaking of adult things, sometimes my life feels like something that would happen to you….

    Instead of boring old tissue paper, I decided to print out a shitton of Victorian erotica on old loose leaf and stuff my friend’s Christmas present box with that. Unfortunately, I’m really lazy, so I left it lying around my room and now my parents think I’m running some weird underground erotica operation. Also, I have about fifteen pages left over. Do you know of anyone who would appreciate top-quality Victorian erotica printed on wide-ruled notebook paper?

  170. I’ve just recently been written up at work for having nearly this same conversation, only in regards to “naked yoga”. I was ‘overheard’ telling a customer who had been telling me about hot yoga, that I knew very little aboutyoga, beyond once seeing the Suicide Girls do naked yoga. I remarked how ironic it seemed that clothed people did ‘hot yoga’ while those poor girls had had to do it naked in a cold warehouse.

    I just thought it was kinda amusing, I didn’t think it was like, offensive.

  173. I don’t understand why you are no longer allowed to go to the mailbox without supervision. I’m pretty sure that this is a perfectly acceptable conversation to have with your elderly neighbor. You’re keeping her abreast of modern day trends, both porn and non-porn related, that will help her appear cool to her grandchildren’s children’s children.

    Put this one in The Good Bloggess folder. You have earned your wings!

  174. I’ve done alot of things with a hoola hoop. I was very adept at it. Sadly, porn never even occured to me. My husband says I was very sheltered, I’m 37 and only just learned what fa-shizzle my nizzle meant. My 14 year old just laughed at me.

  175. I actually found something that there ISN’T porn of, but I’m keeping it a secret in case I ever have the funds to launch it and make bank.

    But, most people don’t know about Rule 34. In that context, anyway.

  176. Awesome. Just awesome.

    After coming across your blog a couple of weeks ago, I then spent the next few weeks at work reading it all from start to finish. Not sure what to put on my timesheets at work, but I am sure I am a better person for it. Probably couldn’t be worse. . .

  180. Oh my shits. I just realized I spelled HULA HOOP wrong on my previous comment (#148). What a fuckstick. Sorry… I’ll go back to my corner now. No more typing for me after Vodka and Xanax smoothies.

  181. Did she ever get to meet Victor? Cause in a different post you said they wanted to meet Victor when he was out of town.

  182. brilliant post as usual, Only you could have arthritis and porn in the same conversation, i love it, see ya next year, happy christmas

  183. Could you have maybe mentioned the idea of hula hoop porn back around, say…October?

    Would have certainly helped with my holiday funds account.

    Hell…there’s always V-day. I’ll just start early.

  184. All it took to shock our elderly neighbors was them knowing I lived with Spousal Unit before we were married. If your neighbors are anything like mine, you went above and beyond the call of duty. Though I really hope there isn’t a group out there with a goal of shocking the elderly.

  185. She was probably just jealous. You get to partake in fun activities, while she’s stuck with low-energy adult hobbies like canuding, crotchet and the occasional round of whores shoes.

  186. you know what was REALLY entertaining? changing the title of the person speaking so YOU were the neighbor and she was you. I thought she was informing YOU about hula hoop porn

  187. As an entrepreneur I see great potential for the “adult hula hoop” idea. I think I might abandon my current project, making scabies farms for children, and perhaps funnel some scratch into this idea.

  192. And, that’s why I don’t like those communal mailboxes. New kind of por0 every time you check the mail!

  194. Can I just say that I was so lucky the day I linked to a picture of a five foot chicken? Thank you, thank you for making me laugh out loud ALL THE TIME! You rock!

  199. We ran into our neighbour and had a chat today … wasn’t any where near as fun a conversation as yours 🙂

  200. Dammit Jenny. I have one of these bright rainbow colored weighted hula hoops. It just sits in my living-room because I believe if I leave it there either I can somehow channel the formation of abs or that eventually I’ll use it. Now I can’t use it because I KNOW I would be swirling my hips and thinking of an elderly woman thinking about you engaging in hula porn. Somehow I will feel guilty, and a little dirty.

  201. I wouldn’t be surprised if your elderly neighbor has her own blog and seeks you out because you provide such primo material! “Oh” indeed!

  202. I thought you weren’t allowed to check the mail unsupervised anymore because you forgot you ordered things like cobra/rodent death-match taxidermy…

  204. In a world where women pay to take lessons in dry humping a genuine fake bronze-plated pole in the middle of a chilly room in Danskins, I have no trouble, sadly, imagining that there is naked Hula Hooping being engaged in. I’m just surprised that I haven’t seen it packaged in 10 Easy Lessons at $15 a pop and written up in GLAMOUR or MARIE-CLAIRE.

    Does anyone read GLAMOUR anymore?

    Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, Honored Bloggess.

  205. “naked hula hoop porn”
    Hahaha Yeah, I can see your neighbour’s array of shocked facial expressions! Bet she had a lot to think on for the rest of the day 😛

    All of our neighbours are showing an array of shocked facial expressions as well these days, including arrays of murderous ones. They all think we got Georg, our 75 kg puppy, so he could eat their children. We didn’t. He wouldn’t. Unless they dip their children in beef stock. Perhaps I should tell them this…

  206. Episodes like this are why I don’t have neighbors. It’s bad enough when they slow down to see what kind of antic I’m up to next. If they got to talk to me too often it probably wouldn’t be good for anyone. Cute link! Cute….porno…that’s just wrong. But accurate.

  208. Frankly, your neighbour should make more of an effort. I mean, hula hoop porn? Who wouldn’t find that funny?

    If it’s any consolation, my neighbour once knocked on the door to check if I was okay because she “heard a woman screaming”. My boyfriend had been tickling me, and my high-pitched laugh had been misinterpreted as a desperate cry for help.

    And now both tickling and laughter is banned in the house 🙁

  209. I can confirm the existence of hula hoop porn. I used to do hoop classes at a burlesque school. They used to rent out the office space to a guy called Harvey (who also helped run their website and admin) and sometimes they rented out the main space as well. Harvey told me that one day he was working in his office, and he stepped out into the main space to go get a coffee, and was confronted by a bunch of naked women hula hooping with neon, light-up hoops in the dark. Apparently the school had rented the space out to the local pornographers. (Who have since moved to Norway or Sweden or something due to numerous run-ins with council by-laws.) Anyway, no one had told Harvey, and he spent the rest of the day hiding in his office wondering when he would be allowed to come out. Apparently he had to pee in a Coke bottle and a lady saw him do it through the window. End of story.

  210. Are you bruised around your waist yet? That one is fun to try to explain too… tends to happen when you get over-zealous when you’re starting out with your hooping addiction. 🙂

    If only you could have taped that conversation… I’m sure your neighbor’s expression was priceless.

  211. This is just fantastic. I laughed and spilt my coffee. Now i have a mess on my desk and need more java. thanks jenny for making my boss realize I wasn’t actually working. good thing i brought him a bottle of wine as a Christmas gift this morning…

    Seriously though, you inspire me to actually say the things i think instead of just imagining how the conversation would go IF i said it.

    Jessimus

  213. Not only is there porn, I’m sure there are people out there with kinky hula hoop fetishes. (Not sure HOW, but somebody somewhere in the universe will have figured out a way…)

  214. You probably got your neighbor thinking about how she could “supplement” her income…I mean, she’s an adult…just very very adult.

  216. This might be one of my favorite conversation posts of yours EVER. I’m going to have to search all kinds of porn now just because. I don’t have convos with my neighbors. It could be why one of them welcomed me to the neighborhood in July. I’ve lived here for 7 years. I can make anything about me…

  218. I’m not man enough to click the link–but I can confirm from expereince the truth of internet rule #34. I once mentioned on my blog some uncomfortability I had watching a Nature special on the spotted skunk. The spraying action was so graphic, I said that to me, it felt like “skunk porn.”

    Yeah. Lesson learned. Don’t use the phrase skunk porn. LOTS OF HITS after that from crazy motherfuckers who are into skunks. Or into something. I’ve been too terrifed to google what “skunk porn” REALLY means.

    Why so scary, internet people? Really.

  221. Honestly? I bet your neighbor confused the word porn with corn, since porn probably has a different meaning for the elderly. So I bet the confusion was based on him/her visualizing you trying to use a hula hoop, potentially naked, and eating corn either 1)on the cob or 2)loose and in a bowl with a spoon.

  222. You cannot imagine the level of my surprise that 219 comments in and no one has made a “sass that hoopy frood” reference! SO I HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU. You’re welcome, America. And possibly Britain, where Douglas Adams was from. I think. I’m not some sort of reference guide.

    Also I too am a hula-hooper over the age of 10. It’s fantastic and will now result in an awkward conversation with your doctor in which you explain that no, those are not S&M bruises, you’ve just been doing a children’s activity. Luckily I visit a clinic and rarely see the same doctor twice. They probably already told all of the other doctors, though. What a bunch of bastards.

    OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING I’M GOING TO STOP TYING NOW

  227. Is it just me, or was anybody else disappointed that the link didn’t take you to hula hoop porn?

  228. Sounds like my hubby. We were discussing if candy counted as dessert. Cause it TOTALLY does.

    So, he asked one of the store clerks if candy counted as dessert. Totally seriously. Another store clerk got involved. The first one was all serious and acted like she didn’t know what chocolate oranges were. You know the ones you hit to break apart? The second lady knew and was helping to describe it to the first lady, who was trying to suggest alternate dessert ideas.
    Ugh

  230. Yaaaay. Another hooper. Keep at it, you’re going to love it! And eventually you don’t bruise so much!!!!!

  231. You’ll never see this because you have too many comments, but I just wanted to say I paid it forward today. I had a girlfriend who was having a freakish bad holiday moment (i.e. in-laws came into town a day early) (so NOT ok) and so I went to Home Goods and found a fucking metal rooster (named it JayZ by the way) and left it with some cards at her front door. So THANK YOU for that!!!!!!!! She laughed her ass off because although it was not Beyonce 2.0 it was Jay Z. Smaller and that may be an issue in his future….you slay me!

  233. Your elderly neighbor was probably so taken aback because she started the naked hula hoop movement in 1956 and thought that after living for years in obscurity she was bout to make it to the big time because you were a rabid fan about to attack her and anyone who gets attacked by a rabid fan gets the cover of People.

    I’d say that’s a pretty likely theory.

  238. My mom and stepdad just got a 65 inch 3D tv for Christmas. The first thing my mom says is “I wonder if they have 3D porn”. Does the rule apply? I think so!

  242. I’ve just started reading your amazing blog and have been working my way backwards and have to share that I, too, have taken adult hula-hooping. Actually, it was my friend Jenn who signed up, I was just visiting her in San Francisco and she emailed me to say “Do you want to go to my hula hooping class w/me on Thursday?” and of course my answer was “YESYESYESYESYES,” because we should all do kid things as adults and feel silly and weird and awesome and awkward whenever possible. So we were by far the youngest people there (at 40 and 41 years old) and we started by warming up to Shania Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like a Woman,” and Jenn was admonished by the teacher to not sing along. I haven’t laughed so hard for an hour in a long time. Cheers to you and your hula hoop adventure!

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