Book stores are like very sensitive girl friends.

in Random Crap

Disclaimer: This isn’t a real post but it wouldn’t fit on twitter.  I do have a real post coming tomorrow, however it’s very superficial and self-indulgent but it’s my birthday so you’re not allowed to yell at me about it.

**********

You guys?  Right now on Amazon this is the top related forum thread for my memoir:

On the plus side, they did use the word “great.”  I’ll take it.

Also, other book people warned me that I should avoid saying something about one book seller without saying something about the others so that they wouldn’t get their feelings hurt, so I would just like to add that Barnes & Noble is very pretty and IndieBound has great hair and smells like cupcakes made of french fries.

PS. Have you lost weight, Books-a-Million?  Because you look A – MAZING.  No, seriously.  I was afraid to say anything in case it was cancer or illegal drugs.  That’s how awesome you look.  Hey, can you introduce me to Target and Costco, or would that be weird?  You can get back to me on that.  I’m free tomorrow.

126 thoughts on “Book stores are like very sensitive girl friends.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Not really. If you read it you’ll see that I’m not even mentioned on that forum. It was just randomly assigned by Amazon as most likely to be related to my book. So now I feel oddly let down that I’m not even on the discussion thread that I was freaked out about being placed on.

    This day has been an emotional roller-coaster.

  4. Well you need to get mentioned on that discussion thread… get in there and start talking about Beyonce. Let us know how long it takes before someone asks if Beyonce is your bitch.

  5. Hahahaha…it certainly piques my interest in your memoir! I’m assuming, of course, it’s true tales of girl gangs in prison, or something like that.

  7. Somebody’s algorithm is broken. Or has a women’s prison porn fetish. Either way, it’s not you, it’s them and their broken algorithm women’s prison porn fetish.

  11. I’m going to be very disappointed if there aren’t great prison stories in your book. I mean, that IS the reason it’s on my Amazon wish list. Possible stories might include Copernicus going into a homicidal rage and Beyonce dancing her way/shanking her way to freedom.

  12. Personally, I’m getting pretty darn tired of great *fake* prison stories. Come on! Mama wants to hear about real blood, sweat, and tears!

  13. I do believe you’ve inadvertently joined the media conspiracy of false advertising. Next up we’ll have to run that book cover through the photoshop check software to see how much your airbrushed that little fuzzy ass.

    Sad, Jennie. So sad. You’re participating in the machine, dude — WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED US SO?

    (Sorry, I’ve been house sitting four dogs & five cats by myself for the last week, it’ll be a day or two before I’ll be fit to be around people again.)

  15. And Book Depository is my favorite book site, cause they’re cheap and easy. Lets face it every body likes cheap and easy at sometime in their lives.

  19. Although the thread had absolutely NOTHING to do with you, it makes me want to read your book even more. So… misplaced advertising FTW?

  20. Didn’t you hear? Target is a totally bitch now that she got lipo and highlights. Like since she’s at the popular table she can’t hang… But I fully worship her anyway and pray she’ll invite me to the next sleepover.
    Hopefully your book will get you into her inner circle.
    Also be ware of Costco. He likes to make you eat in bulk and before you know it you’ll have a fat ass…
    Can’t wait to read the book!
    Love
    Megan

  22. Wow, that was a whoopsie right there. You should just het the all sweatshirts with kittens on them and then you can totally talk about them behind thier backs as much as you want. Thats how the economy works

  23. What? Doesn’t everyone have a great prison story?! I am sure that you Jenny have one you just have to share with the rest of us… Cant wait to hear this. My bet is that it starts with “It all started when this bitch….” and ends with Victor shaking his head and locking himself in his office! LOL Cant wait for the book! You mean the world to many of your readers. I for one jump for joy at the sight of your postings and cant wait to see what you have been up to- and you never let me down. Happy Birthday Jenny!

  26. Any press is awesome press! And based on Neil’s ‘You’ll probably go to hell for laughing’ and Marie freaking Claire’s ‘Like Mother Teresa only better’ editorial reviews I plan on ordering ten copies. Maybe twenty. Cannot wait!

  29. I’ve heard my writer friends say you’re not a “real” writer until you get your first fan mail letter from prison. This is… okay, it’s weird as hell, but it’s somehow even better. It’s like Amazon has decided you’re *in* prison. Telling true stories. From prison. Like now you’re a real writer +1. Or +however-many-inmates-are-in-there-with-you. Except, you know, without that whole trial and conviction and ugly orange jumpsuit thing.

    Leave it to Amazon to know exactly the right thing to give a writer for her birthday. Never mind that they just ruined it for the rest of us who, before seeing this, might have sent you something… less perfect. I’m sure I can get a refund. Probably.

    Best wishes for a Very Happy Day!

  31. It’s really not SO bad. I just now received a comment on my blog saying that my “article” helped somebody search for funny t-shirts. Which makes me feel vaguely suicidal. Even though he said it was helpful. “Great” might have made me feel somewhat better. So, I guess my point is let it not be said that I let people search for funny t-shirts in vain, any more than you would fail to inspire them with what I can only imagine is an inspiring tale of escaping Alcatraz. We’re here to inspire. Especially you. (I’m here more to take care of pet ducks.)

  32. AbsoluteMommy is right… I knew Target back when she was too goody goody to have lighters/ matches/ alcohol/ Cosmo. Then she got over all that and now has wine in a box (which I’m sure is why her sleepovers are suddenly all the rage). I haven’t talked to her in a while tho. I bet she doesn’t even admit to being BFF’s during Christmas rush back in 2001…

    And also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Target should send you a box of wine with a bow (because I’m pretty sure I can’t ship wine from CA to TX).

  34. Happy birthday, Jenny! It’s my birthday today too. And neither one of us are celebrating our birthdays in prison. So, that makes for a pretty good birthday, all things considered. We aren’t in the big house on our birthdays. Yay us! Many happy returns of the day!

  35. I wish I was cool enough to get Nathan Fillion to pose with twine for your birthday. Unfortunately for both of us I only think I know him because I watced Firefly and Castle.

  36. Whoa!

    Actually, I do know a great True Prison Story. It involves my great-uncle, who was a real-life “Brubaker” (the guy Robert Redford played in the movie by the same name about the undercover inmate who really isn’t an inmate). But there really isn’t anything funny about it.

    So now that I’ve read that link, I understand the whole awesome taxidermy thing!

  37. What? The lockup on the aircraft carrier wasn’t true? And what about the Japanese sex dungeon? Doesn’t it count? Amazon totally has the right thread. Those were both great prison stories.

  39. If it’s any consolation, I’m certain the statement “let’s pretend this never happened” or some variation thereof, has been spoken in many prisons throughout time, undoubtedly even more per capita than in regular non-prison life.

  40. Happy Birthday, Jenny! (it’s my birthday too!)

    My husband knows it’s gonna be a riotously funny post when I tell him I’m going to read something from you.

  41. Umm, yeah. I don’t understand search algorithms. Like the ones that lead people to my site who want to see wedgies. I think they want to see girls with wedgies. While they are apparently opening their wide cartoon mouths (something I do have on my site).

    My husband works for Amazon. I could ask him.

  43. Happy Birthday Jenny! Hope you get a half naked fireman riding a unicorn carrying a six pack of tacos stuffed full of cupcakes and dipped in glitter. And a pony.

  44. Also, I have a wee ting pair of reindeer antler the came off of my christmas hexbug (3 sets) if you want them maybe for your dollhouse? Drop a note on my blog and I’ll send them to you!

  45. Wow! Not only did Amazon judge ‘great prison stories’ to be the discussion forum most related to your book, under ‘Tags Customers Associate with This Product’, these two were mentioned:

    8 lbs of uncut cocaine(23)
    douchecanoe(13)

    Douchecanoe? I didn’t know that word existed. Actually I have no idea what a douchecanoe is… ( naturally I googled, this is what I got: Being a douchecanoe is the apex of douchebaggery…)

    I’ve been staring at the book cover for 5 minutes and I’ve read and re-read the book description, but I didn’t find anything even remotely associated with cocaine or prison stories, douchecanoe or douchebaggery. I’m thus assuming that the people who tagged your book to these, must have somehow read your book and that your book contains stories about douchecanoes doing some heavy duty douchebaggery while drugged out of their minds on cocaine. Somewhere in that sentence is a great prison story, but you have to be Amazon to be able to see it…

    I immediately pre-ordered your book.

    Happy birthday, Jenny!

  49. Sorta reminds me of my college years. My best bud and partner in crime Ann-Marie would for some reason attract absolutely EVERY guy who wore a uniform, from dog catcher to cop. Me? I attracted EVERY guy who had done time. We both racked up several guys who fit our respective categories. She married a cop. I, thankfully, did NOT marry a criminal (at least not until I make him crazy enuf to murder me… it’s sure to happen eventually).

  50. Happy Birthday, you wonderful freak show! Thanks for making the world a much stranger place. 🙂

  51. @Eli : I think the cocaine comes from the way the Zazzle store shows up on your credit card bill, but I could be wrong!

    My favorite is when people spontaneously tell you their true prison stories. When you’re trapped at, say, work and can’t just mace them or walk away. Because of the cameras.

  52. I once worked for Amazon as a temp over the holidays. I was paid to try products and make stuff up to put on their website. Best. Job. EVER.

  55. Happy birthday to you. . .happy birthday to you. . .happy birthday dear blogessss, happy birthday to you!! (my birthday is the 29th December as well so I know how important it is to be recognised!)

  56. Happy Birthday Jenny………Just wanted you to know your name was mentioned more than the wishes of MERRY CHRISTMAS AT MY HOUSE WHEN ALL MY NIECES CAME OVER FOR A FREE MEAL. Wanted to know how in the world I knew of you, THE GODDESS…..Had to explain my ignorance in the cyber world when I met you and we exchanged info I understood blogass?????corrected blogess…….Again for those of us that were not raised in the evolution of computers I continue to feel I am the child left behind…..
    Well it has been lets see since they were all about six when I was the cool aunt. I lost that title around the age of twelve. Now they are all young women and I again have made the cut back into cool in their eyes. Thank you for that and I will from this day forward use it to my advantage when they drag their butts helping me about. It is working so far……
    Again best wishes on your birth and a very happy New Year to you…….

  57. You know what? I had been thinking that about books million too but hadn’t gotten round to telling them! I would like to know what diet that was!

  60. I miss Borders- always had super deals. Have a very happy, healthy & eventful birthday (if you so choose), and give a big hug to Ferris Mewler for me- just because he rocks, too!!

  61. Looking forward to your book of awesome. And .. Happy Birthday to the best Bloggess I don’t know in person. May you have many more wonderful birthdays and stories to share.

  62. They are soooooooo sensitive, so it’s always good to cover one’s backside so they won’t mis-shelf your book in the cooking section. Since I am currently in the church mouse fiscal circle, I had to resort to the library. Happy to say I am the first to put it on hold. The status is still “on-order”. I think someone in the library ordering department is a fan of giant metal chickens :D.

  63. Does this mean that you’re NOT interested in prison stories? Because I have one. It’s not a great prison story, it’s actually more of a mildly amusing prison story, but if you aren’t interested in prison stories I won’t tell you about it.

  64. Can’t wait to read your book! This whole book publishing thing is crazy. I’m trying to navigate it myself.

  66. I’m more than convinced that someone at Amazon is incredibly high all the time and fucks with those things. Don’t be offended by it…it’s the pot

  68. The way I see it, Amazon is so excited about your book that they are attributing random forums to it that they know will likely want to read it. Because who wouldn’t want to read it? I mean, come on, you know the prison break people are going to be cool, right? As least as long as they don’t know exactly where you live. For when they break out of prison, after reading how everyone else did it.

  70. I can see why “Let’s pretend this never happened” could be a title randomly assigned for “books about true prison stories” … in theory it weirdly makes sense. Well you know what they say … there is no bad press!

  72. Also – all is not lost as I just this very minute was inspired to pre- order the Kindle version of your book! AND I did so using a stolen credit card, so the prison thread that lead me to this purchase is now TOTALLY RELEVANT! You’re Welcome. And Happy (early) Birthday!

  73. I’m sick (and not in the cool way) and you made me laugh. That’s almost impossible when I’m spewing mucus. Now THAT is a compliment!..lol

  75. So, when the book is finally launched and you start to do the rounds for book signings and talk shows and you are invited to the Texas State Penitentiary to talk to the inmates, refuse…. We don’t want to be reading about prison riots incited by mad chicken talking about stuffing the inmates…..

    It’s on my wish list too…..

  77. This really is just an email about me, but you too. I think we may be long lost twin sisters. Let me present the evidence:
    I am Jenny, so are you
    My birthday is December 29, so is yours
    I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, so do you (And truly sorry that you do)
    I live in Houston…you live outside of Houston

    I could make the list longer…but you might get a restraining order. I thoroughly enjoy your blog and your openness. Thank you for putting yourself out there.

    Jenny….
    PS – Happy Birthday!

  78. I am confused as to whether it is your birthday today or tomorrow and whether or not you are spending either day in prison, but I hope that both days are happy in that ‘Happy Birthday’ sense.
    P.S. Do they give you cake and martinis in prison on your birthday? Just wondering.
    P.P.S. I can’t wait for your book to come out! I’m sure you mentioned it before somewhere, but are you doing a book signing tour?

  79. Am I the only chick I know who has never been in prison then was released only to write a book about it before her 23rd birthday?

    If the dude at the corner 7/11 wasn’t so nice, I’d change that shit today.

    And if I wasn’t over 23.

    Anyway. Happy birthday. Victor must love having such a young hottie. Makes him look really good.

  81. Bookstore employees are kinda oversensitive, too. Tell them you’re looking for true fiction and they freak out on you…

  83. Uh, heeeellloo Hastings?!?! Birthday bookstore fail. Here, since it’s your birthday, I’ll do it for you. Hastings, you look good even in skinny jeans. Happy Birthday drunkie.

  84. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Loved #33’s comment. Hide the wine under a cross or a gun. He knows Texas so well.

  85. I know waaaaaaaaay too many true prison stories. I’m sure they’ll all be in your sequel. And happy birthday. By the way, Waterstone’s is the freakin’ hottie of bookstores, what with that sexy UK accent and all. I would totally do him.

  86. I totally can’t wait to read your book!

    What I’m wondering is where the line is drawn between good True Prison stories and great ones. Is it the use of a shiv? Or is it love found behind the prison walls? Hmmmm… I may have to research that.

  88. So BJs just called and told me it’s very offended that you neglected to mention it. I think the phrase “uppity bitch” was thrown around. I totally defended you, but it’s out of my hands.

  89. Happy birthday! May you get all of the poorly taxidermied, rotting, oddly posed woodland creatures that your heart desires!

  90. Chapters here in Canada was offended and is vowing to only put you on the shelf next to books about beavers and hockey.

  92. oh my gosh…my head is going to explode…i just learned that we share the same birthday…and i have depression and anxiety and take meds too! and i have conversations with my husband where he doesn’t get anything that i’m saying…it’s like we’re twins! really fucked up twins, but still…

    happy birthday!!!

  93. Well, somehow I can see your memoir containing a story about prison. Not you in prision, just something like a field trip to show your boar head what happens if he doesn’t behave…

  95. Happy Birthday! Today’s my birthday also, the big FOUR OH….and I can’t stop crying. But reading your blog has put a smile on my face 🙂 Thanks!

  96. Good thing you don’t have to talk nice about Borders anymore. You’d be hard-pressed to find anything to say.

    [too soon]

  97. Did someone say Birthday?! Happy Birthday!! Just so’s ya know…my life is much brighter for having found you on the interwebs…I eagerly await your book!!! =)

  98. Happy birthday, Jenny! Thank you for all the laughter you’ve given us! I wish you’d come and hang out at Southwest/Texas Popular Culture/American Culture Association — we have areas in both Joss WHedon AND Dr. Who — and we love you.

  105. Aren’t you a little young for a memoir?
    Did you do this because of Miley Cyrus’ autobiography? Don’t follow her lead, it’ll all end in tears. And bad clothing choices. Which will lead back to tears.

  108. “If you read it you’ll see that I’m not even mentioned on that forum. It was just randomly assigned by Amazon as most likely to be related to my book. So now I feel oddly let down that I’m not even on the discussion thread that I was freaked out about being placed on. ”

    Are discussion threads really just randomly assigned? Or is it by keyword or something? I’d really, really like to know how that came to happen.

  110. I keep forgetting and then happily remembering that I pre-ordered your book! I can’t wait for it to come out! It will be a happy surprise when I get it! Thanks for all you do to brighten my days!

  111. Eh, Target. Did you know, she totally gay-bashed the other day? So I won’t hang out with her, even though she has glitter pens. Kroger is totally my home-skillet these days. I’ve been told to stop french-kissing her in the frozen-food aisle.

  112. Oh, Jenny Lawson. I must tell you how very much I love you. And not in a weird stalker, I’m gonna eat your children kinda way.

    You enrich my life.

    Which is kinda sad, really.

  115. OH MY GAWD. Tara Adams has an awesome point. So out of curiosity, I googled shipping wine between states…. some states have a limit of how much wine a household can receive in a month. Texas is the only state (on the list provided by this website) that the limit is set in GALLONS rather than bottles or liters. Gallons. I just about peed myself laughing.

    And Jenny- the day I find a cross that will hold a bottle of wine, you’re getting some of CA’s finest.

  116. I know it’s easier to order everything online but I look forward to making a special trip to buy your book from a certain ‘pretty’ bookstore.

  117. Waiting to get a copy. wow, over a hundred comments, didn’t think this post would reach these lot of comments.

  120. As 2012 approaches I think it is a sexcellent omen that this is the top rated foreskin…I mean forum, for your memoir. I am extending you a virtual gag-ball as a token of my appreciation!

  121. That sounds like a kudos from Amazon for the dust jacket:

    “…great…” – Amazon.com

    Just saying.

  122. the current top thread asks the question, Is Itching Funny? That’s kind of a move up…

  123. You *are* saying that very sensitive girl friends are awesome, right? Otherwise my feelings are hurt. I can’t help it. My psychological skin has been scared. Well, scarred, really. But scared works also.

  124. PS. I am with Hannah about Target. She is really quite uptight and smug. And she fights with big money in government issues against democratic and humane ideas. So let Target hang out with her uppity friends who try to act like they are down to earth by hangin’ with Target with all her sales and stuff. I have found so many other stores worthy of friendship since Target and I broke up.

  125. Jenny,
    Jan again. I’m sorry. You don’t know me at all — I had the person who originally shared your blog confused with you. My apologies. My comments still stand, but are now directed at the right person.

    Bravo, Jenny.

  126. I haven’t technically been in prison as a criminal, but I’ve had great sex there. Could you use me as one of those “names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent?” It could boost sales dramatically. I’d be happy to share without going skank on you…just for your sales potential.

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