How to make your husband think you’re a witch

in Random Crap

When I was in HR we had swear jars to keep us from cursing.  I liked the concept but I always thought it would be better used to stop people from saying more uncomfortable phrases than “douche-nozzle” and “hell-biscuits.”  That’s why I want to make my own swear jars and make my husband use them ALL THE TIME.

 

PS. It’s totally not “that time of the month.” Also, I resent the fact that Victor just said he’d make his own damn jars and they’d say stuff like “I’m tired” and “I don’t understand how that works” and “My computer’s broken”. Mostly because my computer’s broken and I’m tired. I don’t understand how that works.

310 thoughts on “How to make your husband think you’re a witch”

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  3. *dies* You are made of awesome Jenny. Sometimes I want a husband just so i can annoy him with stuff like this

  6. What about an incorrect typing jar?

    Every time someone tells me “Your welcome,” I demand a dollar.

    When someone types “Me to,” I demand fifty cents.

    2, ur, l8, and other lazy type, when not on twitter, and I get one kick to your crotch.

    These jars start NOW. Thank you for the inspiration. 😀

  12. The jars are filled with foreign coins. Canadian, maybe?

    Anyhoo, my husband thinks I’m a witch, and I don’t even have any coin jars. However, every time we get an empty container that could hold coins, my husband saves it to put pennies in. If the country ever runs out of pennies, they’re all in my bedroom closet.

  14. Keep these for when you’re going through perimenopause. Trust me on this. Except for “moist,” “oozy, and “turgid.” Because they go straight out the window. That and “Jesus, is it that time of the month again?”

  16. I was going to say we need one for “I hate this commercial,” and then I realized that was really sad because we do have a DVR.

    With two dogs and a cat in the house, a “Stop Licking” jar would fill up quite fast.

  21. My Dad’s side of the family says “sangwich” all the time because they’re Italian. Not because they say it naturally, but because they find being stereotypcal hilarious. The only good way to say it is “sangweeeeeeeeeeechhhh”

  24. Another jar should be: Why do you need that purse too? or Don’t you have enough dresses already?

  26. If only I had a dollar every time I wanted to stab someone. I would be a millionaire and the world would be a better place. Win win all around.

  28. If I had a jar for every time my husband said, “You didn’t know that ? The’ve been using that forever!” I swear to you, he makes these things up.

  30. My boyfriend’s jars would say- “Where’s Kitty?” “How’s Kitty?” “Are there any new peppers?” “Can I have a Playstation?” “It’s too early to go to bed.” “Why are you touching me?” “Why do you hate me?” “Quit Singing! You are not allowed to sing?” “Yes, I am watching Hellboy. Again.”

    I’m going to do this. This is how we’re going to pay for our vacation this summer.

  32. Have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to translate this into something usable for the cat that will NOT stop knocking shit off the dresser in the middle of the night…

  33. I need one for my MIL who throws in an ‘R’ into wash… Like she warshed her car in Warshington…. But she’s quick to make fun of my extended family in NJ.

  34. Ha. I should have a jar for myself for every time I manage to delete half my comment just before posting it.

    That should have said, “If I had a jar for every time my husband said, ‘You didn’t know that (insert random sports phrase) they just said on ESPN? Where have you been? They’ve been saying that forever!’, I’d have enough money to buy a condo in Waikiki.”

  35. If I had a dollar for every time my boyfriend uses an ellipses instead of real punctuation though, I’d be in Costa Rica right now … though I live alone, so it’s hard to collect.

    *see what I did there – irony. I gots it*

  36. Jenny, I love you, but I love the word “panties”. I do hate “moist” though. Blergghgjg.

    PS? If Victor understood that he is predictable, things would run much smoother.

  38. Holy crap this just made my whole damn day…you are amazing…PS why do all men assume we are on our period when we act cuckoo? Sometimes I’m just crazy bc I feel like it lol

  39. So every time I tell my hubby I read something on you site, he always responds “Poor Victor”. I think you are just awesome! Hubby won’t appreciate this one.

  42. I need to make my cats a money jar. Everytime they fight…put the money in. Everytime my girl cat wakes me up at 3 am for food…money in the jar. Etc. 😀

  43. I used ‘turgid’ in Hanging With Friends’ last week (and won). I actually like that word.

  44. Best idea ever! I absolutely HATE the word moist. People say it just to annoy me. The tables shall turn!!
    Hmm this really would be a good way to save for a trip.. *ideas*

  49. I’m reading “Bossypants” right now, and even though I love Tina Fey, you are so much funnier!! I just laughed more reading this one post than I have reading 50 pages of her book. How do you not have your own TV show yet?

  51. It feels good to have a laugh after so much tragedy today. I truly pray that woman can go home to her family someday. Thank you for being so amazing.

  53. Gawd you’re funny. Luckily my husband never cleans out his pockets and laundry is one of “my chores.” I’ve gotten so much bank from doing laundry, it’s like he’s paying me to do it. And I’m 100% okay with that. So when I’m hormonal or pissed, I’m all like, I think I’m going to wash some laundry now. Yes, that will make me feel better.

  54. I want one for “good talk”…typically said when I’ve been yammering on about something inconsequential. I’m at home with a two year old ALL DAY, don’t mock my need to talk at another adult damn you!

  55. I love the crap out of this. Though I would use it for farts instead of words. And I would be a flipping millionaire in a matter of days.

  56. In our house, it would be “braised” or “pork belly” because we watch way too much Top Chef. I threw a shoe at the TV last week right after screaming, “What the fucking fuck. BRAISED PORK BELLY AGAIN?” It scared the cat. (He’s kind of an asshole, so he should be glad no one in this family wants to braise his short ribs.)

  59. My wife swears that “broke” is a mid-west thing, like “y’all” in the south.
    Typical conversation:
    Her: the vacuum is broke.
    Me: n?
    Her: n it doesn’t work.

    Yep, lather, rinse, repeat… We have this go ’round once a week if not more

    WG

  60. Oh god not “fustrated”… how about “phertographer”?

    If you put this at my work Jenny you’d make a LOT of money.

    Add “darn tootin” and “sumbitch” please!! 🙂

  61. Aww, bless – thank you for letting me submit my gross word via DM. *hugs* If we’re voting for phrases and words that irritate, mine are “just sayin” (notice how it’s never SAYING but SAYIN) and the word AMAZING. I think there should be a drinking game that involves Twitter, and every time a celebrity says AMAZING you have to do a shot. Game over before midnight.

  67. Victor: What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!
    Victor: What the f…?
    Victor: Stop talking
    Victor: *sigh*
    Victor: You win
    And I may have read myself into the bloggess in the beginning & end
    op-sie

  69. You need a jar that says, “Isn’t that something your mother would say?” It works for either person and is totally reviled by all.

    Except me. Because my mother is wise, and wonderful, and brilliant, and kind…and reads this blog.

  70. I love the jars, of course at my house I would have to have them for the kids. They’d say things like ‘I don’t know”, “Not Me” and ” I don’t have any homework”… I think that covers most of the un-truths the kids say to me on a daily basis… oh and, ” That’s Not Fair”.
    Because, of course, in a house with 3 teens no one ever does anything, no one knows anything and there is apparently NEVER any homework given in the public school system… and I believe EVERYTHING the teens tell me… okay, I guess I”ll have to have a jar for me for that one!
    Or I could get a red dress and wear it every day when the kids get home from school… then I wouldn’t care what they tell me because I would look so hot and stunning and down-right Un-Mom-like… kinda like I did way back in the old days before I had any kids… oh, wait, I can’t remember that far back. But in a red dress and a counter lined with jars that wouldn’t matter either!

  71. You know what you really need? Jars for people saying nice things. That way if Victor walks in and sees the “thank you for being a wonderful wife jar” has got one measly nickel in it, its time for a little wooing.

    At work I would like a “no that’s okay I’ll do it myself” jar or “I’m handing my homework in on time jar” so they can see how seldom these things are said.

    I guess no one would want to have to pay to say nice things though huh? Plan FAIL

  72. Okay. I’m a little shit faced right now so I have no idea what this even means. But since you wrote it, I’m assuming it’s funny. I guess I’ll find out for sure tomorrow.

  74. I lost it at “moist.” And then I lost it again at ‘Jesus…” *sigh* I am imagining a gauntlet of goldfish bowls I could set up in my house. Cha-ching.

  76. I once thought it was a good idea to work at Victoria’s Secret, ya know, for the discount…. However, they put me at the front of the store and I had to vocalize the word ‘panties’ at least 50 times a day. After a week I quit and I had to explain to my manager that I couldn’t say the word ‘panties’ without laughing. She was blonde and 22 so she didn’t seem to get it….

  77. I called a friend’s boyfriend a douche-nozzle one day and she nearly passed out laughing. I told her I didn’t make it up, but she didn’t believe me. Now o have proof that I’m every bit as un-original as I claim to be. Thank you, Jenny. For keeping me honest.

  79. I just found your blog today, but I loved it so much I shared it with my best friend. Her response “omg, she sounds like you!”

    I have never gotten such an amazing compliment, ever!

  81. When I saw the title of this, my first thought was of Tina Fey’s “Bossy Pants” book. She mentions her father exclaiming, “Your mother is a witch! She’s cursed me!” After she claims that rug shampooers never work, and the one that he brings home does in fact, not work. I like to think we all have that kind of power.

    Great post!

  82. My husband would kill me. His for me would defiantely be an “I want another baby” jar. But i’m gonna have to start a jar for everytime he says, “and you want how many kids?”
    Jenny you are amazing.

  83. I can’t stand when people say they need to” warsh” something.

    Although, I wish I would have had this a few years ago when my daughters were on a kick of saying ” Aren’t I sooo popular? Omg, you look sooooo popular” (in a valley girl voice that would irritate even the most devout Sweet Valley High reader. Yes, I just dated myself)

    And no, they did not understand That pretty, cute, sweet, etc is not synonymous with popular. It took forever to convince them that they were using the word incorrectly.

  87. What’s wrong with “moot”? It rhymes with “woot,” after all!

    Also, I too am wondering about the origin of the coins in the jar. I recognize them, but that isn’t saying much as my parents have been just about everywhere in the world and have brought leftover coinage back with them.

    Since I live alone with a cat and dog, how do I force them to make me accumulate wealth?

  88. Brilliant idea! I think I’ll put a few up in the office for ‘Let me finish!’ and ‘Just a quick question..’. And perhaps one for ‘Ail things being equal, how long would our take?’.

  90. You guys either have a lot more fun than we have in my house or else you torture each other half to death and will one day be involved in a murder-suicide. I’m not sure which, but it’s entertaining from this side of things.

  91. Turgid! Why would anyone ever have a REASON to say that? I spent 3 months in China last year with 4 other Americans, teaching, and I told the story of flipping furiously through my sister’s romance novels when I was 11, looking for the words “heaving” or “throbbing” then reading the good parts. One author called a guy’s hard penis his “turgid organ.” One of the other teachers became obsessed with the phrase, and declared that he was calling his next band “Turgid Organ.”

  92. That’s it, I’m making the very first one for my house. I HATE that word with every fiber of my being, and people think it’s HILARIOUS to say it to me, often in MY OWN DAMN HOUSE. Genius!

  93. Hehe! I love it! They have jars at my work too–but not for swearing. They’re for when people eat junk food. I don’t participate. They don’t pay me enough money at my job. I’d go broke!

  94. I’m making an “is that another new pair of shoes” jar. And then I’m using the money to buy more shoes. That should really piss my husband off.

  95. You forgot:

    Slacks. (Please – just say “pants” like a normal person.)
    Curd. ()
    What? (You heard me.)
    Can I help with anything? (When I’m on the last dish/last bit of laundry/last onion to chop.)
    It’s time to get up. (Because mornings are completely unfair, which I am quite certain is my husband’s fault.)

  96. I want jars for improper use of who/whom, there/their/they’re, and your/you’re! Ugh drives me nuts! Oh, and all of those pithy catch phrases and buzzwords they use in my office! Puh-lease! Although I’m sure someone would be handing me a jar for saying ‘whatever’. Like I care, whatever.

  97. I may have just woken my roommate up by laughing loudly, but it was worth it. That was the best possible note this night could have ended on.

  100. Are those German pfennigs? That would be an awesome poster!
    You are a ray of sunshine.

  101. Upon closer inspection, are those Chuck-E-Cheese tokens in the jar? That totally won’t help you on the financial side, unless you have a desperate hankering to play Skee-Ball.

  102. I love you. Just so you know. (not the restraining-order kind of love…just the “Hey!That human being is amazing!” kind…)

  103. It looks like Victor is just putting nearly worthless Ukrainian kopeks into the jars. Nicely played Victor.

  104. My husband refers to a vagina as a “furgina.” You’d be surprised how often this comes up. I totally need a jar. Thanks for the laugh!

  105. Haha! My husband says he’s “flustrated” and I’m all “do WHAT?”. but then again, he lives with me. go figure.

  106. I want a Victor. Do you think he’d be open to cloning? Or I guess the better question is would you be open to cloning him?

  109. How about a “You bought more towels?” jar — money for a friend for Beyonce

  110. Haha. Oh Jenny, I love you so much. 🙂 Glad I’m not the only one who has a problem with ‘moist’ etc!

  111. At least some of those coins (most maybe) appear not to be U.S. coinage. So were they contributed when swore in Spanish or French or Mongolian, etc.?

  112. I notice, Jenny, that you chose a piece of clip art that contains the old Deutschmark and Pfennig. This is rather appropriate. Here in Germany, we’re energetic public scolds. We love to point out when someone is not following the rules.

    I would like to create a swear jar that reads Tut mir Leid, Ich kann Ihnen nicht helfen, or “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” I’d be reich.

  114. Turgid is a word I ALWAYS read as turd and then I string the two of them together and shiver/giggle at the imagery. VILE.

  116. My kids estimate that I owe our swear jar about $30.

    I’ve never considered doing a swear jar for all the annoying things my dh says. *Ding! This is a whole new world. If he says “Do what?” one more time I’m going to hit him with a swear jar!

  117. I once told my kids that if I cursed ONE MORE TIME, I’d wash my OWN mouth out with soap.
    Well, you KNOW how this story progresses, don’t you?
    After squirting liquid soap on my tongue and swearing a blue streak at how awful it tastes, I told my kids, JUST DON’T LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY.
    It worked.
    They don’t.
    🙂

  118. Swear jars don’t work with me. They set one up once, the next day I brought a bag full of nickels to work and filled the thing up.

    ~EdT.

  119. If I had one at work, it would be filled quickly by my coworkers and have the phrase, “Whut kin I do ya, fer?” on it.

  120. I would have a jar for every time we watch Modern Family and my husband doesn’t look at me or answer a question, NOT because I am interrupting an integral part of the show but because he is staring at Sophia’s boobs. Which I guess to him is an integral part of the show. And I may as well save myself the trouble and just raid his wallet to fill that damn jar now! I would start a jar for my toddler, everytime she says Mommy …. but she is not a millionaire so that wouldn’t last even a day!

  121. it amazes me how I can fall in love with you so many times… these jars are so fucking funny and dead -on. This wifey is inspired!

  122. Love it. Mine would say “inappropriate”. That one word carries so much negativity and judgement and makes me uncomfortable every time I hear it.

  124. I’m guessing that that jar of Ukrainian kopecks is worth little more than a couple of USD. I would know, I have a bag full of kopecks next to me and a wallet full of hryvna.

  125. I have post its and extra fish bowls. And it’s a snow day here. My husband’s going to have a surprise when he gets home!

  131. You need to start hoarding jars. And keep every single one of them under lock and key. Because then Victor would be right. YOU WIN.

  133. TOO FRIGGIN FUNNY! If I had thought about having a jar with the word “WHATEVER” when I was dating my (now) ex-boyfriend, I’d be a millionaire.

  134. I was just looking at my last comment and realized that the more I look at the word ‘your’ the more it looks weird. Also, why isn’t ‘your’ pronounced like ‘sour?’ Just one letter different. Although, I can then see how people would be texting me stuff like, ‘yower sexy’ and I’d be all, like, “it’s YOUR..wait..no..IT’S YOU’RE” and now all I’ve done is confused society.

    *puts money in the WTF jar

  135. I’m so stealing this idea and creating jars for my husband. It will save me a lot of time and energy repeating, “What the hell did you just say to me?!” and “Why do you continue to pronounce it that way?!” I’ll be shopping for more shoes sooner than later. And much more frequently.

  136. LOL. Moist makes me think of the series Dead Like Me. If I were making jars for work, I’d demand a quarter every time someone said “innovative” or “state-of-the-art.”

  137. Watermelon sangwich sounds moist!

    What is it with “moist”? First time I heard anyone had a problem with moist was on the first episode of “Dead Like ME.”

    And how much do you have to put in to give you a pass for the month, like a bus pass where you can ride all month as much as you want?

  138. Yes! This is an awesome idea. Made me think of the “Douchebag jar” on New Girl. Hilarious! And I’m pretty sure my guys friends would fill that one in up 3.2 seconds.

  139. I need a jar for my husband that says “For Biting the Dogs”. I have to tell him to stop doing that way too often.

  141. I love this..made me laugh so hard…you know I’d be a f-n millionaire if I had a jar labeled.
    “Have you seen my __________”
    I spend half of my life looking for shit that he didn’t put away.

    xo

  144. Stealing this. Going to make one for my Beloved Spouse that says “Calm Down.” Only it will be very large and heavy so I can hit him over the head with it when he says that.

  145. I love that there are British pounds in these jars. You might want to talk to Victor about that. On the one hand–super classy. On the other hand, he best pay the fees for converting it to dollars for when it comes time to spend it all on disposable nipple covers.

  147. Joke is on you… Looks like he was paying you in Pesos or some other kind of worthless foreign currency… 🙂

  148. I think the jars should be full of candy and we get a piece when we win! (so, like always ;)) But perhaps I am making a moot and potentially moist point.

  150. Hilarious! And it’s a much more lucrative idea than plugging my ears and going lalalalalala every time my husband tries to explain a Calculus concept to me.

  151. How about one for people who use marketing-speak as real words? Or one for people who use “nother,” as in, “that’s a whole nother thing.” Can we make a Facebook version for people who don’t use punctuation?

  152. OMG. I love you for having the “shouldn’t of” one. I hate it when people say/write that. It makes about as much sense as a crackwhore vampire sucking the blood out of a chicken-sized dinosaur.

  154. I totally need to make a jar for my husband that says “WHERE WAS YOUR MOTHER!). This is for whenever the munchkins are naughty and I apparently am suppose to watch them ever second of the day. I would also like to make a DICKWEED jar 🙂

  155. *I* especially love the Jar of Stunned Silence. My husband (who is apparently Vicktor’s long lost twin) especially loves the jars Vicktor wants you to fill with your cocaine profits.

    Also? Husband still thought this was funny even though I had to explain it to him. Q. is NOT E.D.!

    Brava!

  159. i’m going to demand my jars be filled with dark chocolate truffles. probably not going to get very far with that, considering the only “people” that live at my house are a six year old and a basset hound.

  160. I’m from Cali, met my husband in Washington 8 years ago (married 7)…and I cannot for the life of me understand some of *his* weird words/phrases. Seriously, the word parched is pronounced “PARched, not “PORched.” And in California, when something is spelled c-o-u-c-h we pronounce it “COWch,” not “COOch” (there is a Couch St downtown, and everyone here seems to think that COOCH is how it’s pronounced. I won’t do it.) The list goes on; I’m going to have to get me some jars…;)

  161. Our jars would say “Oh. It bothers you when I play the guitar as we’re trying to walk out the door?”

    and

    “Do I have any clean socks?”

    and

    “What do you mean, you didn’t wash my socks?”

    and

    “You’re home all day! Can’t you see that I need socks?”

    and

    “Fine, fine. I’ll wash my own socks.”

  162. I would collect the most money for the phrase “Mom! You’re only allowed one bad word a day. You can’t say that” word. for. word. Of course the phrase “That’s fanfuckingtastic” would also gain some major cash donation to the swear jar. It wouldn’t ever be hungry and I would be able to afford a 5 star vaca in less than a week.

  166. Oh my god, I’m totally making one for my boyfriend that says “Guesstimate.”

    And one for work that says “Katie, the Xerox machine/computer/fax machine is speaking in tongues again.”

  169. That’s hilarious! But what kind of currency is in those money jars?

    There needs to be a “moist” jar everywhere. Hate that word.

  170. I showed this to my brother who I live with and he said he’s totally making jar that I have to put money in whenever I sing, I object to that on the basis that I don’t make enough money to last 3 days in that regime

  171. I want a jar that says “Complaint & Affi-David” for work. MY GOD that makes me furious.

  172. Ha ha I don’t want one that says “Stop messing around and hurry” which I say no less than 100 times a day. I would calculate the cost per day but I’m too tired. The bottom of the post … Just too funny.

  174. I think I’ll make a few myself, including, “That’s the rate-limiting step,” “I don’t know WHY, Steph!” and “Looks like somebody dropped the stink!” I’ll be rich in a few weeks.

  175. OMG, the words Moist and Panties should be banned from the English language! I cringe every time I hear them!!

  177. ha! my sister’s in HR. sending this to her with the tagline of, “see, there really is life after HR.” hope you make lots of dough! x

  181. Oh I sooo need about a dozen of these jars. My mom would fill one easily with her “24 sevens”, my daughter with her offkey, off time whistling, humming or mumbled singing. Hubby’s the biggest offender with his bellowed “GINCH!” when I haven’t brought up the clean laundry. Any bad impressions of Ace Ventura’s “I aaaaaaaaasssssked you a question” and no one can say “wrecked them” because he hears it as “rectum”. I think he has ass issues.

  182. I need one of those jars for myself: “For F*ck’s Sake” is my mantra some days. My husband could use one for facial expressions: “That exasperated look you get when you’re trying to bite your tongue but I can read what you want to see in your eyes and now I’m being bitchy to you because I know what you wanted to say but didn’t.”

  183. I’m putting a jar in the refrigerator in front of the milk carton that says, “Where’s the F@&#ing milk?”

  184. EW! The word “turgid” creeps me out. Victor really uses that word? “Jesus fuck” is one of my current favorites – a combo of “What the fuck?” and “Oh God.” And maybe even “What the hell?” because Jesus lives in heaven, which is opposite of hell. Does this make any sense?

  186. Hi Jenny, have you watched the pilot of New Girl? Better than the rest of the episodes. They have a “douchebag jar,” in which the guys have to put money every time one of them acts like a douchebag. It makes me want to have my next guy be a douchebag just so I can have the jar! Also so I can say the word douchebag a lot.

  187. I especially like the implication that Victor is foreign (coins).

    More amazingness from Jenny.

    For my husband: Wait, THAT’s what you’re wearing?

  190. I have absolutely nothing to say because my brain is still in convulsions of laughter. Oh, and don’t even get me started on “irregardless”.

  196. Is it weird that I chuckle every time someone comments about being the first “comment” , and then the page refreshes and they’re not? Wish I had a dollar in a jar every time I saw THAT on TheBloggess! 🙂

  197. This completely threw me because I misread your first sentence as “swear jags,” and was thinking, ‘They sat around swearing at each other to get it out of their systems? How brilliant is that? But no, what if it just made them more casual about swearing? Maybe that’s why she doesn’t work in HR anymore. . .’

  199. Brilliant as always, Jenny. I’mma make a couple, too: Shoulda did that/Shoulda went there and My Bad. I’m also going to heave the full jar at any adult who messes up there/their/they’re, or your/you’re. Too far?

  200. 1. I want a jar for everyone who sent me a Christmas card from the “Smith’s” or the “Moore’s.” There is no beeping apostrophe and everyone does it.
    2. I could make a million for my husband. Like every time he says “Tonight is my night, bro.”
    3. Do you live in Mexico in the 1980s because I think your jars are full of Pesos.

  202. Finally, someone else has a husband who says “flustrated.” How can I stay mad at him during a fight when he breaks down and says, unknowingly, “I’m just really flustrated right now.”

  204. There needs to be a set of jars exclusively for hormonal, teenage girls. It would be based on their wide variety of sighs which can wordlessly express everything from “My mom is so obviously a bitch” to “Why are you all breathing my space?” to “Yes, you are a dumbshit. Get the fuck out of my way”.

  205. LOL – These are completely awesome. Maybe this should teach him not to even bother opening his mouth at times. o.0 I think “It’s a legitimate question” has got to be my favorite, right next to “You win.”

  207. I’m going to make jars of money on my desk at work and hand out coins to any person who SAYS “douche-nozzle” and “hell biscuits”. Anyone who says “that sucks balls” gets paper money, so I guess I’ll need a shoebox for that.

  209. you should only have to put money in the jar for moot when someone pronounces it “mute.”

    also glad to see there are fellow ukies out there! i spotted that tryzub right away, too.

  210. like I needed a bunch of photoshopped fish bowls for my hubs to think that. How do I know? cause I AM a witch.

    PS just bought your book and it says it’s coming in april… I guess a turtle is bringing it over.

  212. I need a jar for all the idiots who say “i’m not gonna lie [insert lie]” — basically you’re just notifying everyone that you’re about to lie, probably.

  214. Oooh! I’m going to make one that reads, “Grunt.” So whenever my boyfriend descends into Neanderthalian levels of barbarianism from watching seventy-three consecutive hours of football, well, at least I’ll make a killing, instead of performing one. 🙂

  215. I don’t know why I am shocked that my husband says all of these things. I would be rich. I’m going to make some of these jars.

  217. I used this exact concept back in the 80s when I was dating a guy who insisted on calling me “Daddy.” I got a quarter for each grating address.

    When I had enough money to purchase “Music from the Edge of Heaven” by Wham!, I kicked him to the curb.

  219. You forgot the ever popular “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jar. Also “That’s not even a real word.” He tells you that a lot. Then you make it a word so he loses anyway. You two are Perfect Love personified.

  223. GAH! I’m so making a jar for my neighbour that says “whipper snippering your lawn before 7am in the morning on a Friday” BECAUSE THAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS!

  224. I really like the “Douchebag Jar” on “The New Girl.”
    It’s not a money jar, but our local hardware store had a jar behind the counter that said “Ashes of Problem Customers.” It was effective in deterring arguments, plus it was a great conversation starter. *g*

  226. My bf is HORRIBLE at texting. He types “kwel” ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and I know he means “KEWL” but that makes my eye twitch even harder. SO you know which thing my jar for him would say.

    That and “don’t hate me because your beautiful, baby”… Honestly, *STAB*

  228. “It is what it is”
    “LOL”
    “We are calling Jill Hamilton to discuss an important business matter. If you are not Jill Hamilton, please hang up. We are a debt collection company.”

  229. OMG…loved it. My ex used to say flustrated, Philadelthia, and helicokter. and people wonder why he’s my ex. Well, those reasons and about a bzillion others.

  231. My husband needs several of these, starting with, “Did you see this?” He elaborates no further. And he’s in another room.

  232. Love this and LOVE you! I need one for people who leave out the “to be” part of their sentences. As in, “Your hands need washed.” NOOOOOOO! It’s either “Your hands need TO BE washed” or “Your hands need WASHING”-pick one you’d like to use and learn proper English after that!

  234. I’m totally going to steal this idea and make one for people who use the word “supposably”. Make me want to smack people, but I’ll settle for a quarter instead.

  235. My jar would be:
    “Let’s have another junk food night. Girls only.”

    My husband’s:
    “Stop having junk food nights. With or without your girlfriends.”

    Easy money.

  237. I’m with you. “Moist” has been on my most hated word list as long as I can remember. I even found it hard to type it here because I was forced to think about it. Gross!

  239. This would work better with real American money. Then you could buy more than one xanax or meth prescription.

  243. I would love to suggest this phrase to my mother to use for my father for family get-togethers. Swear, if those money jars are full, I’m alternatively braining him with “turn the pizza around”, and “Tastes like chicken!”

  244. I’m inspired to make my own jars. I wonder how much money I could make with them? And whether or not I could provoke my hubby to say some of the words more frequently so that I’d get rich faster! Delightful idea.

  245. Perhaps you can add MUCUS,” “PLUG,” and “SUCCULENT, jars too. Great post- thank you
    for the laugh.

  246. A couple hated words of mine:
    – “Liberry”…It is a fucking library, you dumbass. Go get a dictionary and shut the fuck up.
    – “Birfday”…Seriously? Are you shitting me right now?

    I also dislike “moist” and “phlegm”. Ew.

  247. Oh! I also dislike people who say Chicargo instead of Chicago, and Illinois (pronouncing the “s”).

  248. Does he really say “shouldn’t of?” It drives me crazy when I see people type that instead of “shouldn’t’ve” or “shouldn’t have.”

  250. Wow, I could make money from all the dumb things my husband says! This is brilliant and certainly going to be my new source of wine income!
    By the way, I don’t understand how anything works either.

  253. Ok, am I the only one that thinks you could reverse this for positive reinforcement?
    Fill it with treats and every time he says “You are so beautiful”, or “No, no, I’ll take the trash out”, or “I’ve made us dinner reservations” or “You’re too tied. I’ll finish on my own…”, you can chuck him one. Extra points if he catches it in his mouth.

  255. OMG…I totally had to look up the word “turgid” this morning when reading “The Sociological Imagination.” I thought it was just one of those asshole words only sociologists use. Definitely sounds vulgar.

  259. Words; “phlegm” and “cunt”

    Money jar at work; “I know you’re at lunch.. But”

  262. If ol’Victor was smart, he’d just keep the trap closed and continually patronize the “You Win” jar.

    Plus. He’d be richer, too.

  263. His jar: “Have you seen my…”
    My jars: “Where did you have it last?” & “I put it where it belongs.”

  264. You are a genius and I love you. This makes me laugh, which I like.

    However, I can’t figure out why all those jars have money in them because I don’t think Victor would pay that much. It’s a legitimate question.

    Also, I would like to start a jar for all the times people say “irregardless” or “reckonize” or “I prefer Wordperfect”.

  265. My jars would have to include:
    “could care less” (duh, then you must care. dang it, it’s COULDN’T care less, you dumbass)
    “going to try AND…..” (dammit, it’s not two separate thoughts……you are going to try TO….., not try and!)
    and last but not least:
    “Obliverate” (obliterate, dammit, obliTerate!!!)

    Oh, and any politician or news person who says “nucular” instead of nuclear should be fired, hung AND horsewhipped.
    One of the funniest SNL skits I EVER saw was one of Barbara Bush trying to teach George W. how to pronounce “nuclear.” Or maybe it was Mad TV. Either way, it was priceless!

    Ahhh. I feel better now.

  268. Okay I just read through like, 257 comments and I am like, SHOCKED that like, nobody and I mean, like, nobody has like, mentioned like, people who can’t like, get through an entire like, sentence without like, saying “like.”

    I could have paid for my daughter’s college tuition with that one just from all the cheerleaders in my home during her teen years.

  270. did you ever see the show “Dead Like Me”? The mom, Joy, absolutely hated the word “moist” said it sounded “dirty” LOL

    moist, moist, moist, moist

  271. Not many people say this, but still, just in case, I want something when I have to hear, “tender,” or “precious.” Also, “soul mate” or “we really connected.” Or when you answer, “absolutely,” to anything, ever. Even if someone asks if you love The Bloggess. Then we say, “hell yes!” or we ask something about bears in return. Just no “absolutely,” even if that is the answer, which of course, it IS the answer to if we less-than-three you. “Absolutely” is just way over-used by people who are way too sure of themselves.

  273. I need EVERY ONE OF THESE JARS! Though I think they would drive my bf insane…which is just another reason to make them 😉

  274. My husband is an exceedingly silent man, so I want to make jars for the things I KNOW he is thinking but he never says. He, of course, finds this very unfair. I don’t think I care, because it would be so much fun to have jars that said things like:

    “You’re nuts”
    “I’m not listening to you”
    “When will you understand that TV = wife stops talking?”
    “Did you really have to stop seeing your shrink?”
    “How much medication have you had today?”
    “On what planet do people talk this much?”
    “Why is this so important?”

    And so many more! Fun, fun, fun!

  276. I’m glad you feel the same way about the word “panties” and I have a few more to add to the list:
    Historical (so annoying for some reason)
    Anyways

    …well, the thought of making this list is now making me really annoyed. You catch my drift.

  277. I need a jar for actions. . .

    Like when a person “likes” their own status on facebook.

    I need to have a jar for that. . .

    Because that annoys me more than words can say.

    I also need a jar for my daughter that says “That’s not fair!!!”. . . I hear that at least ONCE a day if not more.

  278. I read the whole list of comments, and I can’t believe no one suggested the word “random.” I am sooooo sick of hearing this word out of my tween!!

  279. I follow you like a mother. Never commented before.

    I’m in HR. This post holds a special place in my heart. I quit swearing for 2012. I have a jar on my desk. Now I want to label it. I think I will use this phrase “Shit you mom wouldn’t want you to say, ya douche.”

    Thank you 1million times for being so awesome. You entertain me daily. My computer is always broken. I think I’ll reserve the jar for IT.

    *fist pump*

  280. These jars are a testament to how much you truly love your husband. I once ended a relationship because the guy wouldn’t stop pronouncing “everything” as “everthing.” Also, it didn’t help that he was addicted to Japanese anime porn.

    Moist, Turgid panties should be the name of Courtney Stodden’s reality show.

  281. I have a toddler & a thirteen year old so I can’t begin to think up jars for them or I’ll be up all night, but I *lurve* yours! Besides, what the hell would a toddler put in the jar, soggy frickin’ goldfish crackers?!?

    P.S. Now I’m wondering where that interesting looking money was made. sigh.

  283. I am now wondering, do we call them “underpants?” A friend of mine called them, “unders,” and that is kinda cute. I agree that “panties” is dirty. PLEASE, Bloggess, tell us what you call them. Underwear?

  284. we have a swear jar at our house but we cheat and use and automatic counting bank. right now we are currently at $10.52 [we use penny’s] and the jar was started on Jan. 1st. we empty it every 1st and buy the kids something with the money

  285. Hi Jenny, me again (no I have NOT fucking finished with the archives yet, I’m trying okay? Give me a damn break, shit girl, you never let up).

    I actually AM a witch, in real life, but my husband already knew that about me, I was born this way.
    Okay, there. I checked in. Now, back at it……….

  290. If I had done this, I would have been able to pay for my divorce!! (#HappyThoughts4Friday!)

    This is just purely amazing. Specifically “Panties” (because that word is stupid), “Shouldn’t of” (because they shouldn’t HAVE been allowed to pass 7th grade), and “You’re acting crazy” (obvious reasoning).

  292. You are so much nicer than I am. I just punched my husband in the junk every time he called it a “popular” tree. Only in my head, which is why we had kids, but still. I bet punching Victor’s business never occurred to you. Does he know how lucky he is?

  293. See, this is what makes it better. Because now, not only does he have to put his money in the jar, he has to get off his sorry butt, drive to a money exhange office and use foreign coins instead. Deviously brilliant!

  295. oh gosh you’re the only person who can make me laugh out loud… for 10 min straight 🙂 well SOMETIMES stephen colbert can too :)…. hysterical post lol

  297. Oh, I’m so doing this. My husband is from the school of “it will always be funny”. My jar will say “it was only funny the first 1000 times you said it.” His jars will be:
    “ANOTHER beer?”
    “why is YOUR dog barking again?”
    “you go girl” (this is not actually annoying if it is when I’m going for another beer)
    “I’ll get right on that” – which means the opposite
    “baby want sauce?” — that’s an inside joke, though I don’t even remember where it came from. He’s still saying it though.

  298. You used to work in HR?
    That opens loads of wonderful worlds of awesome inapropriateness!
    And no, I don’t care that this word doesn’t really exist.

  301. Shortly after the “I want a divorce” jar shows up but instead of coins it takes wedding rings and pieces of shattered dreams and promises.

  302. Ahmagee! If Victor’s filling those jars with Hryvni and kopeks, it’ll be YONKS before you can get a metal hen for Beyonce!!

  306. I LOLed. I would make my boyfriend jars relating to “I will not wake up stop shaking me I hate you I don’t care about my job.” It could work.

  308. Watch the New Girl episode from Jan. 17…the douche bag jar…absolutely fantastic.

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