These puppies aren’t my fault

in Random Crap

(I’m in NY but I wrote this last week before I left.  Be back soon…)

Me calling my friend Laura after I had a fight with Victor about something stupid that was actually probably my fault to begin with.

Laura:  Hello?

me:  So, I’m sitting in the parking lot of the Dollar Store because I just had a big fight with Victor and I told him I needed to get out of the house, but now I feel all bitchy and I don’t want to see a movie or shop or eat and I just realized I don’t have any outside hobbies.  I AM TERRIBLE AT FIGHTING WITH VICTOR.

Laura: Huh.

me:  By the way, this is Jenny.

Laura:  I figured that one out.  You can come to my house and I’ll feed you ice cream.

me: I’m lactose intolerant.

Laura:  Then I will give you a puppy.

me:  That would be nice, actually.  And then when Victor was like “Why do you have a puppy?” I could say “Because you were mean to me.”

Laura:  And every time you have a fight you come home with a new puppy.  It’s like couple’s therapy but with puppies.

me:  OhmyGod, we are going to have SO. MANY. PUPPIES.

Laura:  The puppies are a metaphor, Jenny.  Don’t really buy a bunch of puppies when you’re mad.  Everyone always regrets angry revenge puppies.

me:  Oh, I’m getting puppies.   There’s gonna be puppies everywhere.  And then when Victor is all “WHERE ARE ALL THESE PUPPIES COMING FROM?” I’d just say “These puppies came from you.  You brought these puppies into our house.  With your wrongness.”  And then he’d complain that I was the one that kept sneaking puppies in and I’d have to explain that his actions brought the puppies in.  And then he’d realize just how crazy it is to fight about ridiculous shit for no reason at all.  Also, the puppies get shafted because we aren’t responsible enough to have that many puppies.  I mean, think about the puppies, Victor.

Laura:  So, it’s his fault you have all these puppies.

me:  Right?  NOW I DON’T EVEN LIKE PUPPIES BECAUSE I RESENT BEING SMOTHERED IN THEM.  YOU’VE RUINED PUPPIES FOR ME, VICTOR.

Laura:  You know what?  I don’t know the details but I can pretty much say without a doubt that you are right and he’s being irrational.  THESE PUPPIES ARE NOT HELPING ANYONE, VICTOR.

me:  *deep breath*  I feel better.

Laura:  Good.  Now stop being crazy, go home to your husband, and tell him to stop it with all the puppies.

And that’s exactly what I did.  And he just sort of looked at me oddly and made us lunch and we watch Pawn Stars together.  And that’s why I love Victor and also why we don’t have a puppy.

218 thoughts on “These puppies aren’t my fault”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What did you get at the Dollar Store, because if there’s a purchase that helps out with martial spats that only costs a dollar, I’d really like to know what it is.

  2. This would have gone terribly wrong in my hands…I’d be picking fights in order to up the puppy count.

    “You LIKE my jeans? Who are you? Tim Gunn? That’s it, I’m buying a puppy. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.”

  7. Adopt puppies! Please! There are so many who need homes and buying puppies from stores or backyard breeders just encourages the bad guys to produce even more unwanted puppies.

    I had to say it. Sorry for going all vigilante in your comments.

    One more thing…. petfinder.com.

  8. I’ve been looking for an excuse to get a puppy…this will work nicely. Apparently Huzzy is immune to our 18 month old daughter running around saying “Puppy! Puppy!” I need a new approach. And probably some parenting classes. (Although if I can’t use her to get what I want, what good is she?)

  9. Revenge puppies….maybe revenge hamsters instead? They take up less space. And effort.
    I kind of feel like maybe I’m missing the point of revenge puppies there, though.

  10. -dies-

    Puppies solve everything…EVERYTHING VICTOR. Stop hating puppies…

    and stop being wrong, and irrational.

    also, BUY TOWELS so Jenny is happy when she gets home

    or, um…she’ll buy another giant metal chicken

  12. I bought a dog in lieu of having a child, wasn’t until 5 years later we were actually able to have children. Shouldn’t have gotten the dog, might have had the kids sooner…..I love our little puppy though.

  13. I’ve never been married, so I don’t have much marital spat experience to draw from, but I don’t see how this plan could possibly fail.

  14. Oh, I could do this too, except I’m allergic to puppies, so then I’d have to add the crying about how his puppy-causing problem is giving me asthma, too, it’s like he wants me to die.

  15. You know any story that starts in the parking lot of a Dollar Store and ends with being smothered with puppies is going to be good.

  16. Jenny – I think getting breast implants after you fight with Victor is a wonderful idea!

    Oh… you mean the other type of puppies? Not so good: they poop on the floor and eat cats.

    ~EdT.

  17. Oh my God, don’t get a puppy. They are such a pain in the ass. You can have mine.

    (I like dogs, but puppies are bullshit).

  18. If I brought puppies home after every marital spat, I’m pretty sure Greg would start picking more fights so I would bring home more puppies. There would be whole herds of puppies. We’d enable each other.

    ….this is a WONDERFUL idea.

  19. I think you’re definitely on to something here… in fact I’m forwarding this link to Mr. Right at this moment and something tells me, I will certainly have a new puppy shortly 🙂 Perhaps you could offer this as a marketing suggestion to the ASPCA? Maybe Sara McLachlan could put this story to music? Serious potential 🙂

  20. What’s bad is that it makes me want to call my ex-husband and complain about all the puppies. MY EX-HUSBAND!

    Then again, I did take his dog in the divorce… Maybe I should just pick my battles.

  21. Such a bad idea. I can see myself, wading through puppies, just to get to the kitchen. Hey, I just wanna ask, why didn’t Laura offer you some booze? What kind of friend is that???? I’m thinking you need a boozy friend, not an ice cream and puppy friend.

  23. And just think of the fun it’ll be when you two inevitably end up on Hoarders when your house is overflowing with puppies. America will totally be on your side!

  24. I seriously love you. Wine snorted everywhere. My husband asked my why I was laughing and all I could manage was, “Beyonce. Snort. Puppies. Snort.” He went out to buy me chocolate. I think he hopes it helps.

  26. Being smothered by puppies always makes me so resentful. It’s like getting free love, and everyone knows that’s the worst kind of love because there’s no guaranty that it’s safe. It’s like asking for an STD. And there’s no cream for puppy STD. It’s with you for life.

  27. This totally reminded me of ‘The Brood’ but with puppies instead of tiny murderous child-like creature things. If you’ve never seen ‘The Brood’ then you should watch it, but don’t blame me if you’re terrified of children afterwards.

  28. I once bought a scrapbook tower out of angry at my hubs. I then realized I dont scrapbook or necessarily understand scrapbookers. I thought I could make it into a neat steampunk wardrobe but then realized I dont like steampunk either, so I made a scrapbook, a spite scrapbook, with a bow.

  29. You’d think Victor would have learned something from the last time you and Laura went shopping!

    You know what you should have brought home? Towels. Dollar Store Towels. Because I have a feeling nothing says revenge like Dollar Store Towels. Especially if they’re pink.

  30. Oh no. No. This would never work for me. Why? Because hubs is the puppy-lover. My god. Stray dogs probably share our address, knowing they can come here for a warm bed. Why again? Because hubs can’t say no. In fact, hubs won’t even TALK about whether to keep the puppies in FRONT of the puppies because he doesn’t want the puppies to know.
    On the other hand, I could use the old, “keep it up and the puppy gets it” schtick..

  31. This idea certainly puts a new spin on 101 Dalmatians. Now there’s a troubled married couple!

  33. I’ll trade your ornery husband for my puppy. I’ve spent 2 weeks (half in tears) teaching housebreaking and general manners. I’m falling apart. In a world of puppy. I swear to GOD if you could trade for a single day, you’d welcome Victor with happy arms. I mean, really–puppies are great, but they’re so much more work than men sometimes…. sometimes…

  34. Also, Ms. Bloggess: You and Laura ought to become lawyers. Victor will just have to adapt. You cannot argue logic that stunning.

  37. lol @sillymagpie – no kidding! Cruella de Vil is really the animal control officer like on Animal Planet trying to save the puppies AND the marriage.

  38. I’m in total agreement with Leanne Moffat. The proper response of a true frien to any argument you have with your spouse/SO/Boyfriend/Girlfriend is, “Here, have some wine.”

    Sorry, I think Laura blew this one.

  39. Then there would be disagreements about training the puppies, which would lead to fights, which would lead to more puppies. It would be a viciously cute circle.

  41. I was mad at my husband. You talked me off the ledge. The puppies of the world can now relax. However, I was thinking there is nothing wrong with getting fight fish. Cheap. Somewhat disposable (depending on your point of view). Relaxing to look at. Possibly entertaining if they eat each other (assuming you have more fights). Yeah, go with fish.

  42. I REALLY wish my fights would go like that…..I just end up with tears. No fucking puppies. I think I am getting cheated here.

  45. They do sell doggie/puppy toys at the Dollar Store, ya know. It’s a perfect plan. Leave the house after a fight, get a puppy and pick it up a toy in the process.

    Could you get a certain breed depending on the severity of the fight? Like a mild disagreement would earn a cute lil pug and a knock-down drag-out full fledged scream fest would earn a Rottwiler? There would be Dobermans galore at my house in less than a month!

  47. I was going to say something really witty, but the thirty-some (forty-some by the time I finish this I’m sure) beat me to it. I do agree with Leanne that booze would be a better solution than ice cream. And slightly more responsible than a puppy. Well it would be for me I know…I do not have the patience to have a puppy. but there is always a morning after a good booze-fest that will go away by the end of the day.

  48. Wow. Now i have the perfect excuse to bring home puppies. Except we don’t fight. Crap. Maybe they can be, “Oops, i set the kitchen on fire again.” Puppies. That would be awesome.

  49. Aw, pawn stars is our Truce Flag, too. No matter how mad we are, we’ll sit down and watch Pawn Stars together, inevitably laugh over it together and once we get caught up in Chumley’s shenanigans, we’re friends again.

  50. Maybe you should go post this on Cafe Mom …. somehow they will manage to turn this into some statement that will incite PETA who will, in turn, start Tweeting against you … who will, as a result, be annihilated by your faithful Twitter followers. the.end.

  53. Our house is too small for puppies, so I think I’m going to go for revenge goldfish. And because I usually get over being annoyed at my husband before he realizes that I ever was, he’s going to have no freaking clue where the fuck all of the goldfish are coming from and why they seem to be arriving at an alarming rate. I think to be safe I’ll just buy a bunch, get a big tank and put it in the garage and bring them in as needed. See…I already feel better.

  54. I love friends that can rationalize anything with you. Those are the best kind to keep around. Also the most dangerous to your other relationships, but still the best kind.

  55. Bunnies. They are adorable but so much less work. When they’re naughty they can stay in a cage… And they’re happy with it. And it’s a double threat if you get two because then it will soon be 2,473 bunnies. And it’s all victors fault.

  56. Don’t buy your angry revenge puppies. Adopt your angry revenge puppies! And then start a band with them, because Angry Revenge Puppies really is a great band name.

  57. Love it! I think I may barrow that one 🙂 More puppies would definitely get more of a reaction than new craft projects, more fabric or baking supplies!

  58. I would’ve brought home at least one puppy. Puppies are the great equalizers. You have to pick up puppy poop. Lots of it. And then when they get bigger it turns into dog doodies. Nothing says equal opportunity like picking up dog doody in the back yard at the end of winter. I love Victor, but it will teach him humanity.

    Gotta run. The dog has to go out and pish on the neighbor’s lawn.

  59. And this is a heckava much better way to resolve something like this than a lot of people use. Imaginary angry revenge puppies. Victor doesn’t have to deal with passive aggressive little pokes for the next 3 weeks. Just one strange comment about imaginary revenge puppies. Everybody should have it so good.

  61. my husband brought home a puppy when i was town. wasn’t because we had a fight, but i felt it was a bit of a revenge puppy. and now we have a new home with new birch floors and he’s scratched the shit out of them and my husband is super pissed at the puppy but i have fallen in love with him so he’s staying. So you see, a revenge puppy can be a double-crossed revenge. it’s a good thing you didn’t come home with one. kitties are way easier. you fall in love with them AND they don’t scratch your floors.

  63. I love this. Mainly because my mom ACTUALLY bought puppies when she was upset at my stepdad. We got up to nine. I’m glad that you didn’t actually buy the puppies. Cleaning up after them sucks.
    (Also, you are all kinds of amazing. And I’m officially de-lurking. Thanks for making me laugh without realizing you were making me laugh. That’s like magic. Pretty damn impressive, if you ask me!)

  64. I agree with Megan. Unless the kittens are like Ferris Mewler. Because if he can do that much damage to your tree, imagine what a whole flock of kittens could do. It would be Feline Anarchy!

  65. Puppies are awesome, but they can also be used for revenge. For example, my dog escaped from my yard yesterday (thanks to a broken gate) and gallivanted off to do dog things that I don’t normally let her do. Number one on this list, apparently, is eating other creatures’ poop. It doesn’t agree with her, of course, so when I returned home hours later after finding her and walking her on the leash, I was welcomed by a 12″-diameter mass of poop vomit on my rug.

    About an hour after I’d cleaned that up – one of the grossest things in the world – she heaved again in a different spot on the same rug. 14″ diameter this time.

    That would be true puppy revenge on Victor. And another reason not to have puppies.

  66. I agree with Dogsondrugs.com, I want some of that Dollar store marriage saver. Maybe they have porcelain puppies, then you wouldn’t be smothered in real puppies, you could put them out by Beyonce.

  67. it could only get better if you could get puppies at the dollar store…?!€£*^%!!

    pawn stars makes me very upset – we watch Cops (or Campus Cops if we are feeling Randy) instead 🙂

  68. I think a revenge puppy would end up being too much work for me … otherwise I’d so do it! 😉

  71. Okay, I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine, but one of the first comments I read was dogsondrugs.com. MARTIAL SPATS! Sorry, DOD, did I read that wrong. Made me spit my drink (okay, yes, it’s wine) out. Sometimes they are MARTIAL!

  73. If a puppy is appropriate for fights that are forgiven by watching Pawn Stars together, I think I’ll have to bring home a Saint Bernard. Then we will watch Divorce Court. We will either figure out that we are better off than the couples on the show, or we will learn some new tricks for our lawyers. At least we won’t have to worry about dividing our assets. That Damn Saint Bernard will eat us into bankruptcy.

  76. I think puppies are fun, but I’d go with cats instead…I think it might do the same trick as the puppies :/ maybe…

  77. LOL. I totally brought two puppies home a couple of days after Christmas. While they weren’t the result of an argument, tension around our house has eased some. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been drinking more. Either way, I’m happy!

  80. My hubby has stopped asking what’s so funny when I read your blog. He’s learned your site by the tone of the snort when I laugh too hard from your writing.

  82. Also. Equally amusing is the tone in his sigh as he submits and reads the post that triggered the snort.

    So. My question: When I start showing up with puppies after each fight, do I blame him or you? Cuz it’s his fault but you put the puppy idea into my head.

  84. My hubby about 20 minutes after reading this:
    “I blame you for this! I should go get a puppy!”

    Well then. That answers that question!

  85. My hubby told me I could have as many kitties I wanted if I’d just come home. Oh, he also promised to build me a life size TARDIS! Me and Kitty are STILL waiting on our TARDIS!

  87. Puppies!!! You could make little plastic puppies on zazzle, then buy one every time you get into a fight…thats what I would do.

  88. I would get the puppy and they say “Here. This puppy is a metaphor for how you piss on my feelings and take a crap on my dreams” … Then walk out while the puppy pees on your carpet.

    But thats just me.

  89. I’d be knee deep in yippy puppies very quickly. Maybe I’ll start buying little ceramic puppy figurines from the dollar store, then I can throw them when I get really mad.

  90. You are in nyc and i Live here in nyc…maybe i should walk the streets looking for you. And give you a puppy….

  91. This is how we ended up with Georg, the St Bernard. Difficult hubbies = puppies. Just one of those things that go together like hands in a glove?

  95. Gee, I hope that my wife does not see this one. She has been tryin to figure out an excuse to get a puppy for ages. She might start a fight just for the excuse.

    For the record, I do love my wife—it is just that we are knee-deep in cats (we are right on the edge of the legal limit).

  96. That’s a nice story. It was full of puppies and lunch and had a happy ending. I visualized many different breeds of puppies, and they never grew old, but then you had weird black and white hair like Cruella DeVille, and I need to go to bed now. Night night.

  97. You always say your commenters are the best part of your blog, and I typically disagree. But this time, I see what you mean. The hilarity of your post multiplied by the clever wise cracks of your commenters caused me to burst a blood vessel in my eye. So…thanks?

  101. Victor sounds a lot like my husband. Both the’ being wrong even when he’s right’ part and the ‘smiling and nodding at your bat shit crazy wife’ part. Good people, that Victor.

  102. puuuuuuPPiieeEESSSS! What would the names be? They could be named after whatever you were fighting about, like, “Credit Card Bill,” or “You Don’t Even Care,” or maybe that puppy would be called “Callous.”

  105. I think goldfish might be a better idea than puppies…given your situation, that is. Except for the cats. Well, the cats would probably prefer goldfish over puppies, but it might not work out so well for the fish. Hmmmmm…

  108. The puppies would just get picked on by Ferris Mewler and Posey and traumatized puppies piddle profusely and NO ONE, ESPECIALLY You, needs profusely piddling puppies.

    Marriage counseling is expensive. But a huge roll of bubble wrap instead. Then when you fight, go pop the bubbles. I’m pretty sure the psychotherapy for cats traumatized by bubblewrap is way cheaper than marriage counseling. Mainly because I would substitute cans of tuna for actual psychotherapy. But only for cats. Unless that works on people, too. Clearly, an enormous research grant is needed. I will provide a mailing address should any investors make themselves known.

  109. Jenny, this is important.

    Look deep, deep into my eyes.

    You DO need puppies.

    Lots and lots of puppies.

    Cute puppies.

    Puppies more addictive than crack.

    Which is why we have a
    Crack Puppy.

    Now go.

    Fight with Victor.

    And bring back Crack Puppies.

    Soooo cuuuuute.

  110. If I come up with a graphic for Angry Revenge Puppies, will you put it on a T-shirt in your store? Also my son’s band HAS been looking for a new name, and one of the possible contenders The Rainbow Narwhals is… frankly too gay even for San Francisco. I had been rooting for Clever Little Paws, but Angry Revenge Puppies is now in the running.

  112. Consider for a minute the fact that eventually you could form angry revenge puppy sled teams, and possibly win medals in sled competitions which means you could have angry revenge puppies AND angry revenge trophies. Trophies basically tell the world that you were right in the first place.

  113. Revenge is a dish best served ice cold, as they say.
    …FROZEN PUPPIES.

    It’s probably unethical to freeze your revenge puppies…but then you can store a supply of revenge puppies in your freezer and bring ’em out EXACTLY WHEN YOU NEED THEM. That’s *organised* revenge.

  115. The problem with this logic is that if Victor decided to get a hooker every time you had a fight, you’d have a bunch of skanky ho-bags wandering around the house (I mean, because if you fight a lot, sure the first one would be all high dollar and sexy, but Victor wouldn’t be able to keep that up, pun not intended). So you’d have one high dollar hottie wandering around, just like you’d have a purebred puppy, but after that it would be Beethoven meets the purse dog from Legally Blond, and I’m not talking about the puppies.

    The good news for you is that there would be someone to walk all the dogs.

    WG

  117. I actually did buy a revenge puppy. I love her to bits, her name is Sookie she’s full of snuggles, and also poops. That’s the thing about puppies. When you fill your house with puppies, you also fill it with poops. How’s that for a metaphor?!

  118. I sat here with my 10 yr old daughter and read this out loud together. Now she’s pretending that her monster high doll is you, her WWE doll is victor, and the cat is Laura.

    Now the cat has scratched her, and run away. Moral of the story? Maybe we should have a puppy instead.

    Or a fish.

  119. I will picking a stupid fight tonight just so I can use this excuse to get a puppy, since the kids and I mentioning it and the leaving notes around of a listing for one for sale is not working. 😀

  120. I love this puppy idea. I must try it on my husband. I think the bigger the fight, the bigger the dog breed. Saint Bernards and Great Danes and such!

  121. CHOCOLATE lab puppy! (oh wait *sigh* it doesn’t mean that kind of Chocolate)

    Towels with puppies on them??

  122. This is eerily similar to the conversation my girlfriend and I had about “Diaper Derby” baby races and the stigma of trying to race a one-legged baby who is just, you know, in the middle going around in circles the poor thing.

    We should totally double date.

  125. Fill your house with puppies! Better than babies. I wouldn’t recommend babies, they just grow up to be in fourth grade and lie to you about their homework. Puppies will grow up to be soft and cuddly and won’t tell you to shut up when they’re pissed at you.

  127. We foster a litter of shelter puppies when we’re in a slump. So far, we’ve had a litter of 9 and a litter of 7. Trust me, there’s no thoughts of fighting when you have that many fur babies.

  129. The other night, I heard myself irrationally snarling (as I was toting a tray of buffet Mediterrean food) “We should have gone to Star Pizza.”

    I got back some snarling in return.

    Fortunately we returned home puppy-less.

  131. You are a bloody genius… Anger/revenge puppies… I think I will use cats because I have hopes of being the crazy cat lady one day.

    also, i really,really like to use ellipsis – es (fuck, I don’t even know the plural of an ellipsis, someone get me a cat! I feel an argument coming on!)

    Have fun in NY and safe travels.

  132. I don’t know if puppies don’t fix everything… I just got a puppy and let me tell you, a LOT of my problems are going away:

    I am losing weight because of my puppy. Not only do I have to walk with her but I have to RUN with her because we don’t have a fenced in yard. That’s like, 4 jillion calories right there.
    I no longer take midnight snacks anymore because that would mean having to tiptoe past her crate to the fridge which would wake her up. So, like, another 1000 calories are burned off right there.

    All of that spare cash I had laying around is no longer a burden on my life. She is more than happy to spend it on useless “chew toys” that dissolve within 36 hours, puppy food that has to have lots of protein but NO CORN, God forbid! No CORN! Did you know how much cornless puppy food costs? Plenty. Lemme tell you.

    I no longer have to snuggle with my husband or children every night. She has usurped all the hugs and snuggles and I actually had my husband tell me “No” last night when I wanted to snuggle up in his lap because SHE WAS ALREADY THERE.

    I’m sure the benefits are endless. We’ve only had her for a week and already I can’t remember what I did with all of my Spare Time Pre-Puppy.

  134. Dollar General parking lots are great. Never crowded, and nobody pays attention to you even when you are having a little meltdown involving boxes of Kleenex.
    It is proof of your psychic powers that you discovered Dollar General Parking lots without being driven to search for some privacy because you have multiple children. Or did one of your friends just tell you?
    However you found your way, I welcome you to the deserted parking lot mental health club.;)

  135. puppies are too cute…you may be tempted to keep fighting. I say go with something more practical like pygmy goats. They are also cute…but they poo alot and eat your furniture. It’s a system of checks and balances with the pygmy goats.

  136. i got a puppy when i got divorced. i named him gandolf but then later had to change it to murphy b/c a basset hound puppy is too ridiculous looking to be named after a wizard. my point is, that puppy therapy should be saved for after divorce. angry revenge puppies never bode well.

  140. oooh such a good idea… although after about 3 puppies you would likely stop having big fights… i mean, who wants to upset all the puppies? they are very sensitive 😉

  142. Bring home kittens, so fifteen years from now you’ll have hundreds of cats that look dead. Talk about a mind fuck for THAT cable guy!

  146. I have a friend that would help me rationalize like Laura does for you. But, I can’t stand the dog that’s in our house. The new cat is just now making him tolerable (interpret as dog or new husband). Threatening him with puppies certainly won’t do it. I need another option. Help.

  147. So funny! I totally brought home a puppy after m husband specifically said no dogs and 10 years later he still complains–but deep down he loves that Wado Dog!

  148. I love the dollar store. Bags and bags of crap to bring home, and you can blame it all on your irrational, hormonal… man. Didn’t you know you needed headphones that make you look like a robot? Because you did.

  150. We call my cat a “grief cat” – just like angry animals, you probably shouldn’t get grief animals either. they never turn out good.

  151. So after reading all that am I learning that there arent going to be any puppies?
    Damn husbands always win!

  152. –>Only bring home a puppy if you fight with Victor and he calls you a Bitch.
    Then it will be like the self-fulfiling prophecy for him.

  153. I go buy yarn when my hubby and I fight. I have so much yarn and knitting needles and crochet hooks that I might have to take over his office too so I can store it all. It’s his fault. We have three dogs. Another puppy would find me out on the street with the new puppy. I was going somewhere with this reply, but the migraine hurts so bad that I’m sure my brain is trying to escape from my skull. You made me laugh with this post though and I thank you for that. Sometimes laughter is better than Vicodin for pain. 😀

  155. He says no towels and you come home with the rock-starriest chicken ever. Can you imagine what you could come home with if he denies you a freakin’ puppy???

  156. So I was totally doing this wrong. I was coming home with SHOES after an argument. But PUPPIES makes MUCH more of a statement. What goes with a Louis Vuitton handbag? A Pomeranian? Tea cup Yorkshire? This type of accessorizing is new to me.

  158. Bloggess, you’re the only person I know who can give a perfectly good explaination about why two random things/actions/whatevers affect one another. Effect. Affect. Whatever. It’s like the 6 steps from Kevin Bacon, but better!

  160. Angry revenge puppies. Ohmygod so full of win. I love love love this.

    If I ever mentioned anything like this to my boyfriend, he’d quickly invest in a straight jacket, I’m sure, but it would be so worth it.

  161. Stupid pseudo html, erased part of my post.

    What you said: (See above)

    What I heard: You can keep puppies alive but not a almost free donkey! (or goldfish)

  162. You are hysterical. I have no idea who you are; I just happened to find your blog a while back, but I think you might be my new favorite writer. Thank you.

  166. you could try finches. much more containable and doable. Start with a lovely large cage, and tell Victor that he, and he alone, will be responsible for populating it.

  167. I love you. I am buying 700 copies of your book when it comes out and giving them away to total strangers, because my family totally doesn’t deserve to be a part of something so revolutionarily (should definitely be a real word) hilarious. Also, please don’t tell my husband I got the idea from you, the next time we fight and I come home with a dog. This is going to be a great year.

  174. Revenge puppies are never a good idea. However revenge gila monsters can prove to be very handy. Just make sure there’s no anti-venom around.

    Not that you’d use it on Victor though. But they’re good to set on the Jehovah’s witnesses that won’t leave you alone.

  175. After reading this for the 3rd time and still being highly amused, I just had to jot a line to you, thanking you for your hilarity. I don’t know how you do it, but you never fail to touch me in some way with your posts. Whether it is one of your humorous posts, or one that reaches down and touches the soul….your way with words is just amazing. I always wished to be a writer when I was growing up….sadly, I have absolutely no talent for it. You, however, truly have a gift. Thank you for sharing that gift with the world. I may not always comment on your posts (frankly because you have so many and I feel very inadequate at putting my thoughts into words, especially when so many of your commentors are as funny as you!), but I am always reading and feeling blessed to be able to do so!

  177. My dad grew up in Long Island, so when he says “pawn” it sounds like “porn”. The first time he told me about the show Pawn Stars, I had a strange image of guys in tear away clothing haggling and taking clothes off at the same time.

    Hmm…that’s a lucrative Showtime TV script. DIBS!

  179. I’m dying for a puppy. And we’re getting some soon. But not from a fight. Or maybe so… Actually I guess it is a fight. The one about having more Children. I say yes… He says no. So a Puppy fixes that for us. But we found a brother and sister pair who were taken from a neglected home, so we can’t separate them so instead of a baby, we’re getting two puppies. So I guess that is the going rate now. 5 years ago when I was baby hungry it was only 1 puppy. And her name was sady. But with inflation… yeah… 2 makes sense.

  180. I so have to try that with my husband. Only I’ll make it cats, cuz he hates cats. Wait. I hate cats more. Definitely Puppies. And then I can get more puppies cuz we’ll fight over who has to clean up after them. And our 2 year old will scream loudly with delight as she pulls their little tails.

  181. If Victor is smart he will have a secret stash of EMERGENCY towels with pics of puppies & chickens to present to You when he apologizes for pissing You off !!!

  182. Can I buy a friend like Laura at the Dollar Store? If I could adopt a puppy from there too, it would be like a one-stop shop for marital bliss.

  183. Thank goodness.

    I wasn’t quite sure exactly WHAT puppies you could have been talking about. I was afraid you might have meant this for your sex column.

    I was a little nervous. It’s all good now though.

  185. We love Pawn Stars at my house. The ‘Old Man’ is the best, I hope I’m playing Tetris and yelling at people when I’m his age. He phones it in and totally gets away with it. I guess it’s good to be old.

  187. If I bought a puppy for each and every fight, my kids would probably start trying to pit my husband and me against each other. Who cares if your parents aren’t getting along, if there’s a puppy in it for you?

  191. Too funny, especially since I JUST got a new puppy Saturday! Now we have 3 dogs! Good thing my husband likes dogs now…especially since our Shepherd-mix is HIS girl!

  192. My husband and I have been married a little over a year. And boy have we fought. We married less than 6 months from the day we met…which is still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The things that help us when fighting: 1. See a marriage therapist at least once a month, weekly as needed. (My husband is wonderful and actually listens, learns, and acts on the advice). 2. Got 2 kittens. We aren’t dog people, we are cat people. With 2 kittens, they can play with each other, and keep each other company while either one/both of us are busy. Also, when it comes to cuddle time, we each get one. Although, the way they have decided to think about us (other than the people who are to cater to their every need of love, warmth, or fun), is that he is the toy, and I am the bed. With out fail, when they are in the middle of play attack mode – they go after him. That’s ok with me, he can handle it more than me. As for me, any time they get tired, they cuddle up to me. Sometimes they even manage to put me in a position where I can’t work on my computer, because they are using both of my arms to sleep in. lol. They are very well behaved…unless they are in kitten play attack/ninja mode. But they are adorable. The kittens have helped to bond us…even if he was jealous for a long time that they cuddled with me, not him, when he was the one who pushed to get them for me. My advice: Don’t get a puppy, they make too many messes. Get a kitten or 2. Every time you fight, foster parent a kitten, and see how much they make you both laugh and smile! The great thing about being a foster parent for a kitten, is that you get to give them back, and is less of a responsibility. GOOD LUCK!!

  196. Since you’re in the Austin area and I’m in the Austin area, next time you’re in need of an outside hobby, you can come practice jousting with my hubby and I and all our crazy friends.
    http://texasjoust.com/
    Or if you don’t like jousting, you can help me try to train my 17 hand Andalusian horse to be a trick pony. 🙂

  198. My husband did not find this as hilarious as I did. Mostly because he accused me of being exactly like you.
    Unfortunately, my current puppies contribute to the anger (the younger puppy has some sort of inexplicable revenge/vendetta against the older one). So in short, i have a different kind of revenge puppies.
    But that would never stop me from punishing my husband by getting more puppies. A whole pack of puppies.
    My husband may have been not too far off on his initial assessment.

  199. I love reading about your fights with Victor because my husband’s name is also Victor and it makes me feel like someone else is yelling confusing things at him, too.

    Which I encourage.

    We have three dogs. They each way over 70 pounds. The way I figure it, that’s approximately 23 puppies. That explains a lot.

  200. P.S. Hamsters replacing angry revenge puppies can only end up like Tribbles.
    P.P.S. @hogsatemysister, HORSES are WAY more expensive than puppies. Even Crack Puppies.

  201. MMmm this has inspired me, I am always in the wrong, from now on I am going to tell my husband he is upsetting me for pointing out that I am wrong.

  202. Wow. That’s a post I could have written, only substitute either books or random articles of clothing with velvet, ruffles, sparklies, or all three on them for the puppies! I can just see it now…

    DH: Why do we suddenly have all these new books?

    Me: Because you yelled at me the other day.

    DH: I didn’t yell at you, we were having a discussion.

    Me: You were mad, don’t try to deny it.

    DH: You can’t keep buying books every time we have an argument.

    Me: Aha! See? You DID yell at me!

    DH: We were BOTH yelling.

    Me: But I wasn’t yelling at YOU, I was just yelling. You yelled AT me. There’s a difference.

    DH: THAT MAKES NO SENSE, Love!

    Me: Right, that’s going to be another book, you know.

    DH: No. No more books.

    Me: OK, fine. I’m buying that dress from Pyramid Collection I wanted.

    DH: You can’t just keep buying things whenever you’re upset!

    Me: We’ll see about that.

    DH: We’re a family! You can’t just go out and spend our money without me knowing about it!

    Me:: But you DO know about it. I just told you I was doing it.

    DH: No, you’re missing the point. We’re on a budget!

    Me: Then stop. Yelling. At. Me.

    It’s actually frighteningly predictable… we should change it up. Next time, maybe I *will* try a puppy! lol

  204. Seriously snorted out a smoothie and piddled in my pants!!! You are one funny lady. Thanks for brightening my dusk….really, its dusk right now…Now onto feeding the vultures!

  206. Maybe that’s why we have 5 little doggies in the house, I thought we were rescuing them.
    Subconciously I must have been getting back at my hubs for something… Thanks for the therapy.

  207. N revenge puppies. Revenge imaginary friends. Then, every time you fight, you’ll have more people on your side who will tell you that you’re right.

  209. I bet you have a Monty Python skit going on in your head ALL THE TIME. It’s awesome.

  211. This sounds like the time I was pissed at my husband and I was just about to stop talking to him when he told me not to talk anymore and I was like, crap, you stole my tactic from me. And we were in the car so I had to think of a new tactic and I decided I would get out of the car and hail a taxi when we got there and leave his butt because he took away my ability to stop talking to him. But I didn’t. Because it was a birthday party at a gay bar and I knew that would be fun and I would just be cutting off my nose to spite my face. Also, regarding puppies, I am the girl that when my husband wouldn’t let me have a new dog I freaked out and said, “You won’t let me have more kids, so you can’t make all the decisions.” but I got a dog. Sometimes drama is fun and VERY effective.

  212. Once upon a time my husband brought home 150 chickens and 1 bantam (miniature, for you non-farm folks) rooster which he named Lumiere. Lumiere was a beautiful specimen of a bantam rooster with angry short man syndrome. That nasty little fucker had the sharpest spurs and would chase me around the chicken yard attacking every time I went out to feed him. To make a long story short, Lumiere is dead of what may, or may not, be natural causes. I would very much like to have a “Zombie Lumiere” to place on my front porch with a “Knock, knock, motherfucker” sign to freak my husband’s shit out and memorialize his dead asshole chicken.

  214. I don’t even care about winning a chicken, though they are awesome by the way. I just need to say how TOTALLY AWESOME this entire blog is. I rarely meet anyone who has my same sense of humor and Blogess, you certainly do. I laugh until I cry and then I keep laughing until I almost pee my pants! Victor and my husband could be twins. Mark looks at me the same way, totally like I am insane and then just fixes dinner or lunch or whatever. Thank you for being you!

  215. Reading about your interactions with your husband makes me miss mine tons. 🙂 Also, the fact that you collect random cool stuff that other people think is peculiar reminds me of myself. I’m pretty awesome (and humble, obviously), so that’s definitely a compliment. I prefer a thrift store to the Dollar Store for some Mommy Alone Time, but it’ll work in a pinch.

  217. today i found you. tomorrow i will read you. for the rest of my life i will be grateful you are real and write this blog. because i love you!! <3 oh the crazy people in the world you help remind me that's it's ok to think up REALLY strange things and talk to myself about them out loud in the car… or where ever i think i'm alone… thanks 😀

  218. so… about a week ago, I’m in the middle of no where on a snowmobile trail in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula having the second argument in about 20 minutes with my husband. And what goes through my head “I’m soooooooooooo getting a puppy out of this!” We’ll, I’m not sure anyone would classify him as a “puppy” but tomorrow I bring home a 155 pound Great Dane!

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