There is no process. There is no spoon. I had to eat my soup with a ladle.

in no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

Victor trying to talk me down from an impending panic attack about me not knowing what the hell I’m doing in my life:

Victor:  Dude.  Just calm down and breathe.  Just…trust the process.

me:  But I don’t have a process.

Victor: Well, maybe not having a process is part of your process.

me: YOU’RE JUST SAYING A BUNCH OF RANDOM BULLSHIT THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Victor:  No, I’m trying to make you calm down and stop freaking out.

me: No, you’re just trying to get me to shut up so you can watch TV.

Victor: Well, both actually.  And that’s my process.

Me: Well, it’s not working.

Victor:  Really?  So what exactly was it you were so worried about?

me: Um…FUCK.  I can’t remember because you distracted me with bullshit.

Victor:  Exactly.  Trust the process.

247 thoughts on “There is no process. There is no spoon. I had to eat my soup with a ladle.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I feel another pin in the shop coming on…”Trust the process” with a big ole’ pile of steaming shit. Beautiful.

  4. My husband says “Calm down, Spartacus.” That always makes me feel better!

  5. And now we see Victor’s equivalent to Laura’s method of talking you down. Good thing you’re surrounded by people who love and know you so well. (( FYI, I don’t seem to have a method either. Hugs to both of us! ))

  7. I always forget what I was freaking out about. The worst is when you finally remember what it was and it starts all over again.

  8. I just tried to imagine my husband and I having dinner with you and Victor…I mean, I didn’t try…I actually successfully imagined it. It went pretty well. Mostly, because we went to a restaurant where they had endless guacamole but also because Victor and James (my husband) got along really well and you and I got along really well and it was sort of like husbands against wives, and wives won but everybody was still friends in the end and also, there was guacamole.

    Um…because sometimes when I read your conversations with Victor, it’s like reading a blog about my own house…that was my point. I forgot to mention that.

  9. I’ve never left a comment although I think you are awesome and I have now cheered up two of my friends with big metal chickens (although they were roosters so we called one Jay Z and the other Big Ass MoFo), but my husband does that shit with the “process” and I could not let this go unremarked (don’tcha just love that archaic phrase?). And he is always about watching the TV, and then he gets that freaking weird male TV deafness….WTF is that about? And did I forget to tell you that you do not just rock, but you inspire? My chickens were not as large as Beyonce, but I did give one to a friend (ring and run BTW) who was having a Christmas in-law holiday meltdown, and thanks to you, she got through it. Just sayin’.

  12. Damn husbands and their processes. What, do they think they know us or something?? 🙂

  13. I have a husband who is always calm and collected which tends to piss me off even more when I’m on the war path. Then he does this bullshit where he mocks me a way that makes me laugh, taking all the seriousness out of my very serious meltdown. If it wouldnt buy me a beat down from PETA I may take half of a terribly interpreted page from your book and throw puppies at him.

  21. You obviously need to keep Victor around. Or buy more spoons. One or the other. Depends on how much you like soup, I suppose.

  22. This sounds so familiar to conversations I’ve had with my husband. And all of it ends with him un-pausing the TV and sighing loudly. 😉

  23. Some times crazy relationships are great. Been married almost 18 years and together for 21. I don’t get niceties (bullshit) saying I’m being dumb. He really doesn’t understand there is a process, he seriously only sees it as me being stupid lol AHHH, true love so varies to what we need 🙂

  24. victor is either brilliant or evil. or both. probably both. i’m voting for both.

  25. convinced that i’m truly ayn rand’s intellectual successor (screw you, dr. pekoff), i’m all about process. strictness. rigidness. even when it’s about having panic attacks. 😉

  26. mmm.. matrix reference. nice. One of my favorite lines.. “Ohh, what’s really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn’t said anything? ” How I enjoyed the Oracle, with all her knowing & vagueness. btw.. Victor is pretty cool, even if he does induce the puppy binging from time to time. I think sometimes, that is just a “man thing”. Everyone has a process.. even if it’s not thought of that way. Another favorite line of mine, but from a song.. “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.. I choose free will.” So, basically, what Victor said. There is a process, really. And it’ll be ok.

  29. Love it. It’s reading things like this that makes me feel that maybe there is someone out there that will not only put up with my…unique issues, but help me do something about them. And make me laugh – even
    (or especially) at myself (not that I NEED that someone, but it would be nice ;))

  31. Hm…my husband would like your husband very much.

    Instead of ‘trust the process’ I get ‘babysteps’ and ‘RELAX’. (The relax part doesn’t work, the babysteps part does sometimes).

  33. Hilarious and yet I completely sympathize with you. I have similar conversations with my friends when they’re trying to calm me down. And this probably doesn’t make you feel better, but it’s really comforting to me to know that someone I admire as much as you also doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. That’s usually what my panic attacks are caused by.

  34. I don’t have panic attacks, but I do work myself into a frenzied tizzy over all the [very random] islands of life I want to conquer, with no seeming plan or purpose. My husband’s way of talking me down is just as circular and nonsensical as Victor’s… and it works on me, too.

  36. I feel like there’s an entire book filled with examples of Victor being wise when faced with crazytown.

    I think Victor should get to edit though. For accuracy. 😉

  38. Hubbies have a sneaky way of doing things like that. They’re good like that. 🙂

  39. and here I am thinking you are LIGHT YEARS ahead of me. You have a huge support system in place, thousands of DIEHARD fans (myself included), a book coming out, and still, you are having panic attacks about motherfucking life… Oh Jenny, it’s so good to know that any success I achieve will never deter my neurosis. Thank you.

    Thank God Victor has a process, by the way… I am shocked and amazed by his effectiveness!

    Your life will continue heading down amazing paths and we will always follow. XO.

  42. But you’re doing something. You’re doing lots and lots of stuff. That’s something. I’m not doing anything. I’m the only one who gets to panic.

  44. Do not try and bend the spoon – that is impossible. Instead, really try to realise the truth…

    PS. Don’t panic too much about Life…’cause none of us know exactly where we’re going, or even if we’re going anywhere! It’s not supposed to be perfect.

  45. (1) Agree with Chrissy – hate when husbands mock us until we laugh! Arg!
    (2) I think while both Laura and Victor had equally effective methods of distraction, his involved less eventually abandoned puppies but hers included brief encounters with cute puppies (and lets face it – who can NOT be happily distracted by a cute puppy? Even a theoretical one? Admit it – you were cheered up until the multipling of puppies began) so she wins.
    (3) I am helped when in the midst of panic about my life path to remember the kid who said ” So … the point of life is to stay alive as long as possible?” because (a) that is essentially true and (b) I am still alive so therefore winning, yay me! And yay whoever else is reading this so therefore alive … you’re winning to! Yay us!

  49. Victor has the same philosophy as my husband. My husband often “accidentally” calms me down so he can get back to watching tv in peace!

  51. Cheese and rice.

    I swear, if you were younger or I older, and your name was Robin, I’d think this was a conversation between my youngest daughter and her husband.

    Only his name isn’t Victor.

    Screw the process, trust the chaos.

  52. I am going to use “Trust the process” as a mantra. My husband usually tries to solve everything when I meltdown–which just makes it worse. Maybe he needs to trust the process…

  55. HOORAY for Victor, his process works! You be thrilled you have Victor!! My hubby has a “process” to get the house fairies to complete all the housework while he watches tv. This is a process that doesn’t really work for any of us.. no me, not him and certainly not the fairies.

  56. I had a shrink once who bemoaned to me the modern world’s obsession with the end point, finish line, final product when the focus should be on the process to get to that end goal. If this was the case your process would be held up as FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

  58. Got to love the male Chromosome. And they wonder why we worry enough for the both of us!

  60. good husband, everytime i get scared/suffer my husband gets angry and calls me manipulative, sorry that’s not funny, but i wanted to say it out loud…. sigh!

  61. Isn’t it great how they know how to piss us off and yet can help us chill out within the same conversation?

  65. Is it OK if I marry both of you? At the same time? We can claim to be mormon or something.
    You two are both so awesome and I want to be part of it!

  66. It seems almost as if Victor can read you like a book. Or, maybe he read your book.

    Good to know it worked, though.

    ~EdT.

  67. Victor sounds a lot like my husband when I’m about to go off the deep end. LOL

  68. I think his may be my new criteria for marrying someone: just have the ability to distract me from myself. Perfect.

  69. Love Victor, hate the husbands’ abilities to negate what we’re upset about. It’s important to US dammit! However, I love the “trust the process” comment over my husband’s “what’s wrong with you” comment, because you want to talk about adding fuel to the fire? That’s the phrase to do it, right there. 🙂

  73. Needed this today. Maybe your purpose in life is to be the catalyst that helps the rest of us speed up our own processes. Or slow them down. Or just feel better about them. I’m not really sure how chemistry works.

  74. When I get like that, my daughter thinks it’s hilarious to flippantly state:
    “Stress less, Princess”

    I tell her: “Strangely enough – that DOESN’T help.”

  78. My better half does that to me a LOT. You know being type-A and all, I am really quick to spaz out and bounce off the walls. Distraction seems to work best for me. Granted, it doesn’t make whatever I’m bouncing over go away, but if I can forget about it for a while…it helps. Trust the process. 😉

  79. When I find my husband, I want him to be kind of like your husband.
    But less baffling.
    And more enthusiastic about random pieces of metal made to look like chickens.
    I’ll settle for just a wee little bit less baffling.

  80. I love that he calls you “dude.” You gotta give the guy credit….he really does “get” you. You should consider keeping him around for a while.

  82. we all get distracted by bullshit. victor is crafty. crafty like the fox. similar to hungry like the wolf but a little less sexy. not that victor isn’t sexy. wait…actually i’m not sure about his sexiness, but the fact that he is married to you makes him sexy. sexy by proxy.

  83. NAPOLEON! Trust me. That makes sense. Quotes from plays about S&M always make sense.

  85. –>I yell, “What’s the plan, Phil!?” at my husband and then get mad when he doesn’t respond. It may be because his name is Tim.

  87. Victor is a tricksy bastard! I basically have this debate with my cat whenever I feel The Ick rising. I share this in the hopes that other sufferers of panic attacks who argue with their cats may know they are not alone.

  92. There’s actually a picture of me eating soup from a large bowl with a ladle.
    It worked, for whatever that’s worth.

  95. Is it ego-centric for me to tell you that the thing that you’re doing with your life is to make ME happy?

    Probably so.

  96. I often eat soup with a fork, if its that krappy ramen noodle kind you make with hot water, i get more noodles that way and less of that salty sludge like stuff that masquerades as broth (if you let it get cold it gest scary looking) so that makes it better to me. Also, if its good soup sometimes i just drink directly from the soup bowl especially if there’s no one to observe.

    this is not related to soup or process, but i would totally love and wear a T-shirt with the bodice of the Traveling Red Dress printed on the front in full color. I would buy them for friends too.

  97. I think I had a similar conversation with my husband over 3D Slots….he’s addicted.

  99. I love Victor and think you’re perfect for one another. That being said, I’m 100% certain Victor hung up the phone, patted himself on the back and said, “Damn, I can’t believe that accidentally worked. Damn, I’m good.” And had some chips and salsa and probably a beer.

    You should still come home with a puppy. Just out of principle.

  100. The man is clearly a genius.
    And so is his process.
    I has this same process and I testify that it works ESPECIALLY when your family and friends end up twitchy O_o

  109. Ugh! “Calm Down and Breath” never works for me…it just pisses me off more! Just let me sit in the corner behind the fridge until I hyperventilate and pass the hell out!

  110. Ha! LOL funny. I’m in school to be a therapist and our professors say that to us all the time. And every time, I want to answer, “Are you people f’ing insane?” But I never do, because it would be unprofessional, and hey, my entire career goal appears to be to become one of those people who say, “Trust the process.” So, um, go Victor!

  112. Please say Thank You to JelloM and put that pin in your shop; I’ll buy it. (comment number three – don’t act like you didn’t see it, people, because if you read down THIS far you are a thorough individual)

  113. I was about to forward this one on to my Husband who I “claim to be useless” when it comes to my panic/anxiety issues… but then you totally proved Victor was right. And, um… I can’t admit defeat?

  114. Victor’s process is brillant. Sometimes we needs a little distraction to help take our mind off the cliff (especially if we are afraid of heights).

  115. All I could think – the entire time – was “Serenity now”. Sorry. Trust the process seems to me to be the same thing. And we all know what happened (well if you watched Seinfeld). Don’t trust the process – if it made you forget what your were upset about.

    Serenity now – Trust the Process – Beyonce mysteriously appears someplace guaranteed to embarrass Victor. Or a purchase gets made for no apparent reason that dwarfs Beyonce in size and scope. Dwarfs fighting cobras. Dwarfs all that has come before it.

    TRUST THE PROCESS – SERENITY NOW – UNEXPLAINED ONLINE PURCHASES

    synonyms

  116. You know what would be cool?!?

    If Victor had a blog and he gave his side of the story. Sort of like “He Said, She Said”. Without the coffee mug tossing cuz that would be hard on Victor, getting tagged by coffee cups all the time. He could call his “The Processor”.

    The Bloggess and the Processor. Think about it.

  117. Victor is a good husband! My husband does similar things to me when I’m feeling panicky. That, or he tries to distract me with shiny things. Also an effective process.

  118. As I was driving home in the dark last night, wondering if I had enough money in my bank account for a candy bar, I asked myself why it was I needed, wanted, must have a candy bar, and I realized it was my way of easing anxiety. Seriously anxious for no reason and only chocolate would help. This revelation of course explained why, when I quit smoking 20 years ago I gained 20 pounds, and why I am still eating junk and often, like it’s my job or something. I kind of wish I would just freak out completely and get it over with, because this eating is more self harming than anything else I have done in awhile. Anything for distraction.

  119. I’ll tell you what you’re doing with your life, you are making all of ours better!

    Your stories make me laugh, cry, and laugh so hard I cry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to explain one of your stories to my coworkers (unsuccessfully) with tears and a super squeaky voice. So please, next time you start to panic, remember that at least one person is going to panic even more if there aren’t more posts for her to read because I seriously need this escape since drinking at work is not an option.

    With that said, Victor is pretty much an evil genius. Not like really evil, but like Dr. Evil or someone else that you don’t really take seriously as an evil character. Whatever. I don’t have to explain my random thoughts to you. I’m pretty sure you have a copyright on randomness.

  120. My husband gives me the “Okay, crazy lady,” look, sometimes accompanied with the “Okay, crazy lady,” uh-huh, which makes me laugh and somehow gets me off the ledge. That’s our process.

  122. Truth is none of us know what the next step in life is, have to wait until you finish the step your on. It would seem that I get to different places in life and just roll the dice to see what is next. The best thing in the world is having someone next to you saying “don’t worry we’ll get through it” “we’ll figure out something” it’s my husbands way of saying “trust the process”. Somehow we always get through it and he keeps pushing me forward even when I want to curl up and stop. I think it’s time to play hopscotch on the step we are on and we will see what tomorrow’s step looks like tomorrow, personally I am hoping for a good game of kickball…. 🙂

  138. It’s amazing how many people get bogged down with “what am I doning with my life?” I like the quote/saying/annoy phrase (whatever) – Life is what happens when you aren’t looking.

    While I realize ambition, drive, unhappiness… whatever, all have to be catered to, people should remember while they ask “what am I doing, where am I going?” what they have. Take stock. Do you really need a new path or a planned direction?

    I have my own personal crazy, but it has two simple (well they sound simple but somedays they are impossibly hard) cures. 1. I pray and ask God to carry my worry. He knows I’m tired and imperfect and sometimes just the act of asking for help lightens the load. 2. I stand in the shower and scream. I cry. I yell and fuss and make a mental mess of myself then I take a deep breath and walk away because, really, what the fuck can I really do about it anyhow?

  140. There is something about anxiety and panic that can make you absolutely hate people when they try and calm you down and act rational.

    I think it’s that you totally realize you’re ‘overreacting’, but you just don’t need people pointing it out to you.

    Unfortunately I’ve slowly learned that as irritating as logic is, in the end it always wins.

  141. Victor could be a Bond villain with sneaky reasoning like that…or a fortune cookie writer. I can see myself finishing up my Kung Pao Chicken and cracking open a stale cookie to find Victor’s words of wisdom staring up at me. Though I’d rather see a picture of Copernicus. 🙂

  144. Well, shit! I think this is what my husband has been doing to me for the last few weeks. I can barely remember what I was freaking out about. All I remember is crying late last Wednesday for 30 minutes, laughing for ten seconds, crying for about two minutes more and then wishing I knew whether to laugh to cry and just giving up and I did nothing. No laugh, no cry, just put on my PJs and went to bed confused. My husband’s a fricking genius!

  146. That man is GOLD!
    … and, for someone who clearly has no idea what she is doing – you’re doing a damn fine job. XXXOOO

  150. I’m right there with ya sister. Being the type A that I am have started my mid-life crisis a couple of years early…. there is no process, and no point to the process,

  151. Gotta love it when the husband hits one out of the park. Way to go, Victor!

    P.S. We’re all really proud of you for doing all the things in NY that were scary for you. Way to go, Jenny!

  152. Thank God you gave it a title. Other people call me disorganized and scatterbrained, now I’m calling it a PROCESS.

  155. Cannot count the number of times I’ve said to people, “Choosing to not make a decision at this time is making a decision.” It works in a zen kinda way, much the like “Trust the process.”

  158. “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” — John Lennon
    “Kitties are a mixed bag. Life is a mixed bag.” — my husband
    Take some pressure off yourself for finding the perfect plan. In hindsight it is all going to be a mixed bag anyway, no matter what you choose. Just do the best you can and enjoy all the blessings that you have.

  159. True story:
    On my first day of my second class in grad school (that had nothing to do with philosophy) the professor (who had been teaching for over 50 years and was easily 10,000 years old) stood at the front and said “Without the concept of ownership, what is property? Does it exist?” And some dude said, “Well the Indians didn’t have a word for ‘mine’ but they had a tomahawk, so tomahawk is property.” And the professor said “Tomahawk isn’t property. Tomahawk is tomahawk.”

    And all I could think about was the kid in the Matrix telling Keanu not to bend the spoon, there is no spoon. And at that point I turned to the girl next to me and said “Oh shit. There is no tomahawk.” And I mentally checked out. Minute 3, day 1, class 2.

  160. Genius. My husband hasn’t learned that particular art form yet. Instead he just gets frustrated and leaves the room. Perhaps Victor should start an online class to teach others his gift.

  161. I also have no idea what I’m doing in my life. However, I’ve recently been pondering the possibility that my dharma (life’s-purpose) is simply to learn to be directionless. This allows me to indulge in my uncertainty.

    Also, Victor is awesome.

  162. I recently “came out” to my boyfriend about just how bad my anxiety and depression are. So yesterday when I was freaking about about having to go downtown to pay my parking ticket (I’m afraid of mailing things. I don’t know why.), he drove me and insisted that if anyone tried to arrest me, he’d make sure I got due process. But he wouldn’t bail me out because it would be a good excuse to read all day, in jail.

    Yep, he’s awesome.

  165. I’ve had this exact same freak out EVERY night for the last three weeks. However, because I’m currently living in a barren apartment in a small Mexican town, I spent the first few nights crying to the gecko that was climbing up the wall.

    It’s tough to say for sure, but I’m guessing that’s what killed him.

  167. Bless you, VIctor!
    At our house the key phrase is “Lighten up, Francis!” – Sgt Hulka, Stripes

  171. We men are awesome when it comes to process.

    Especially when we are trying to watch TV.

    So, Jenny, did you seize the moment and go buy a Crack Puppy?

    And black towels?

    Don’t disappoint us.

    We need histrionic puppy excess.

    Plus more SOPA towels.

  172. There’s a process? What? Honestly, you stop paying attention for FIVE minutes…

    Sorry to hear you were having a freak out. I just wanted to say I’m glad that Victor can knock you off your exit-all-areas trajectory so well.

    J. x

  175. Just discovered you in the last week, thanks to a FB friend, and am already an ardent fan of your blog. Anyway, love the chicken! A group of my friends and I call each other the “birds” (backstory: one of our shared special education students, who recently moved away, cursed like a sailor, calling everyone “bitch,” so we just started saying “bird” to each other….). About Victor and his “process” — some of my friends have commented they don’t think I’m as “happy & cheerful” lately . Sent a long, rambling text to Husband yesterday, and his response was basically, fuck ’em. Gotta love rational men.

  177. As a project manager, sometimes I think one get’s bogged down in process. I can say, with all due modesty, that I am organized and have a process. And seek out processes to calm me down. And yet, I can sit in front of a canvas or some minor craft project and be completely afraid of being creative, because I’m afraid of doing it wrong. Yes I’m in therapy.

    Where’s my Victor?

  179. Um, just as an outsider, I must tell you that you not knowing what you are doing with your life seems to be working just fine for you. 1000s of people a day want to know what you not knowing what you are doing with your life.

    That, my friend, is all the process you need.

  182. Maybe Victor was just channeling you. You’re the queen of random bullshit that ususally doesn’t make any sense.

    And that’s why you’re are so beloved kiddo.

  186. Gotta love that man. But seriously—-what’s with men calling women “dude?” I just don’t get it. But maybe it’s just me who gets bothered by it. Because I am the founder, CEO and President of the itty bitty titty club. So I kinda get bent out of shape when people call me dude………..

  187. Nobody has any idea what they’re doing. As far as I can tell, everyone is winging it, just with varying degrees of confidence being exuded while doing it.

    Seriously, Jenny. Stop and think about this: you have no idea what you’re doing, and yet you manage to move people to laugh and cry and come together and you make the world a little brighter even while you fight the darkness and you author several blogs and kick @$$ & take names on Twitter and wrote a book and occasionally you drive Victor the teensiest bit batty (but only in the best and most hilarious ways) and we love you for all of it. Maybe you could, after all, “trust the process”. (PS I do. I call it “faith.”)

  188. I must admit I began to feel the glimmer of a panic attack when I read that there is SUPPOSED to be a process – mainly because I don’t have one either. But then I finished reading and Victor calmed me down too….damn! He’s good.

  191. That is amusing. And see, it helped–sort of. Since you forgot what you were panicking about. Also, you might want to get some more spoons…

  193. I linked this one to my husband as a suggestion for what he should do next time I appear to be suffering from the part of the prodrome stage of my migraines where I seem to lose my mind and become this irrational horrible person. I figured maybe you wrote this one just for me…which means I am also either paranoid or narcissistic. Anyway, if you count the mood disorder thingy, the horrible vertigo and the three days of horrible migraine pain, it’s been 6 days for this one. I suppose I ought to be allowed some insanity by now.

  194. I am SO glad I’m not the only one who has panic attacks about not knowing what the hell I’m doing with my life!

  198. I know what the hell you are doing with your life, you are connecting with tons of people and letting them know that the craziness that flows through our lives is not singularly felt.
    And saving the world from bears.

  199. Process is another word for “what I thought I was doing before I stopped and suddenly ended up doing this.”
    I mean… I like having goals and making plans, but I always end up scrapping them– and I usually like where I end up instead. So– don’t fret! What’s the point?

  201. After seeing your vlog the other day…I just can’t hear that sweet little angelic voice belting out “FUCK.”

    Wait. I just tried to visualize it again.

    Yes, I can. Yes…I totally can hear it now.

    Sounds precious.

  202. And that is just one of the many reasons Victor is awesome! Are you going to nominate him for sainthood any time soon?

  203. You are all truly amazing! I think we need to have fortune cookies with cool sayings like “Trust the process” or else a mouse pad with all these cool sayings. Or maybe Victor could write a book entitled “Life from the Rational Edge” or something and disperse all sorts of cool wisdom through that.

  205. Don’t you just HATE it when they confuse you and junk? Next time he’s ranting about something, break out with ‘Baby Got Back’. Hasn’t failed me yet.

  206. The husband tries to be all calm and reasonable when I get all hyper-ventilate-y…it really pisses me off! 🙂

  209. He knows you so well, doesn’t he?

    And I’m going to have to remember that “trust the process” crap next time I get in a funk.

  210. The process sounds a lot like The Force, without the cool toys and the multi-million dollar merchandising rights…

    …it also sounds like you’re fucking up his process…. could that be a part of YOUR process, perhaps??

  212. The same stunt my husband pulled when I was in labour. I was trying to push out his child and he was trying to tune in CNN. (How I wish that was just a funny anecdote.)

    Anyhoo…back to you. ‘We got the funk’ just doesn’t mean the same when it’s not a load of us getting down and boogeying. Uh uh, I said boogeying. Hope you can ‘get down’ soon, Jenny. HMSx

  214. OT, but I think someone needs to send Eva at The Journal I Wish I’d Kept a Traveling Red Dress, stat. (I would post this elsewhere, but I’m not on Twitter or Flickr.)

  217. My brother tells me to “put the bullet back in your pocket, Barney Fife”.

  219. My boyfriend, after providing support and condolences which fall on deaf ears, will tell me “you don’t want solutions do you? you just want to FEEL better” so true. and then I kinda feel better.

  221. When my husband wants me to calm down he pretends he’s a crab, and side walks out of the room while snapping his pinchers.

  225. I think you should test Victor’s sexiness quotient (per Gina’s post). You have Beyonce. Can you find socks large enough to fit her? Then you could post side by side pictures of Victor and Beyonce and let your readers vote on whether Victor is, indeed, sexier than socks on a rooster.

  227. Typical exchange between me and my guy, who is a firm believer in preparing for the end of the world.

    Him “We need to work on getting your bug-out bag together.”
    Me “One with mesh so the cats can breathe.”
    Him “If the world falls apart and we have to hike out of here we are NOT bringing the cats.”
    Me: “I’d be the one carrying them.”
    Him “We’d have to let them go and fend for themselves.”
    Me: siilence….
    Me: “Now I’m sad. What if the zombies get them.”
    Him “Jesus.”
    Me “Well it stands to reason….world ends, zombies. I can’t deal with that. And they don’t weight THAT much.”
    Him “Forget it, I’m sure we’ll never have to really bug out.
    Me: “I’d need to bring food, too.”
    Him “Oh for the love of God.”

    Repeat every two months or so.

  228. Here’s a process I think you can get behind:

    Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack
    1.Organize before they rise!
    2.They feel no fear, why should you?
    3.Use your head: cut off theirs.
    4.Blades don’t need reloading.
    5.Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
    6.Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
    7.Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
    8.Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
    9.No place is safe, only safer.
    10.The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

    (I assume you already own a copy of The Zombie Survival Guild by Max Brooks?)

  229. Well, for not knowing what you’re doing with your life, you’re doing a really good job.

    I’d like to be you when I grow up. Well, except I’d be a man. A man version of you. Haven’t decided on the red dress yet. Maybe a nice pair of red dress pants. Or a blazer. Maybe the dress.

  231. I pull a Victor on my boyfriend everyday… except he’s not having panic attacks. Usually he’s just sitting there. Then I bullshit him into a crazy fest. It’s awesome. Now that I think about it, it’s totally a process.

  232. A no process process. I like it. I’m totally bringing that up in the next board meeting I attend.

    Which will be never… but it never hurts to be prepared.

  233. My husband once talked me down from a major panic attack by getting me to tell him details from our last date at the mini golf course. You’d be surprised how easy it is to forget about whatever you’re panicking about when you’re trying really hard to remember how many times you knocked a pink golf ball into a fountain.

    (8 by the way. 8 times.)

  235. Men aren’t always completely stupid, just most of the time.

    At least you forgot about what was freaking you out to begin with, right?

    Unless it was important, then Victor deserves an ass whipping for this. Or a ride in the Tardis to some strange world.

  236. My husband tends to start consoling me with kind words, sweet gestures, and then ends it with some horrendous statement that is so awful and so much sadder than what I’m feeling that I laugh.

    Example:

    *While hugging me and rubbing my back *

    “Sweetie, you’re doing a fantastic job. I know this is rough and you’re feeling panicked now. But it’ll get better. Plus, I ran a bus-load of fluffy puppies off the road with my car.”

  237. It is SOOOOO awesome to have someone who knows you and knows what you need. You win!

  240. I think Victor might have a good idea going. Next time I start having a panic attack I am going to tell myself to Trust the Process.

  241. When I start freaking out about stuff like this, my husband just grabs me in a bearhug and refuses to let go while loudly repeating “HUGS!” until I calm down enough to talk rationally. This only works if I am not freaking out about something he did though…

  242. I need a Victor. Does he have a 33 year old-ish cute brother willing to move to Sacramento, CA?

  243. I get sudden anxiety attacks over not knowing where my life is going too. I’m only 22, but sometimes it feels like I’m failing in every aspect with no direction on how to stop it. o_o Then I cry for 15 minutes or so, and my boyfriend kind of looks at me until it stops. He accepts it but doesn’t have any advice for something that isn’t really a problem, which is just fine. <3 Apparently it is common to have no clue what you're doing.

    Maybe I should just embrace it.
    I don't need to ask directions! D:<

    Don't make me turn this car around.

  245. My husband and I both enjoy reading your blog and getting a good laugh. After reading this one my husband has said that he feels for Victor, because he “knows what it’s like”. I pointed out that I had never brought any taxidermied animals in to our house. He just laughed. Game on, dear husband. Game. On.

  246. There is no point in ME having a process if you go and blow my cover. And I know my cover has been blown because my girlfriend just sent me THE LINK!

    Well there goes my TV watching.

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