UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

Yesterday I went out to the nearby market because we live in rural Texas so we go to all the various country fairs and trade days because that’s what we have instead of a mall.  They are awesome and terrible and I never come home without part of an iron lung, or a 60 year old book about “why naked midgets are awesome”.  Yesterday at one stop I found 100’s of doll heads on spikes. It stretched on for a half-acre.  Also, the doll torsos and limbs were in various buckets around, so it was sort of like Build-a-Bear except that you end up with a misproportioned, evil doll that will probably eat your nose off while you sleep.

Even the demon on the right was having a panic attack:

It's creepy, but sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there are people weirder than me in the world.

But it wasn’t *all* doll heads on spikes.

Because some were on chains.  

Also, this isn’t even half of the heads-on-spikes and none of them were marked for sale.  It was like some sort of Stephen King art installation had accidentally fallen into the center of a market.  There wasn’t a vendor there but no one shoplifted from him.  Probably because you don’t want to fuck with someone who sticks baby heads on spikes.  And because practically no one wants to steal baby heads on spikes.  Both of these things are true.

I did find several other treasures though from other vendors. I found a children’s book of illustrated corpses, complete with color pictures and when I insisted I needed to have it Victor and I both screamed, “IT’S THREE DOLLARS”.

For different reasons though, apparently.

Then I bought a taxidermied duckling (that died of natural causes) and Victor was all “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” and I was all “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”  It’s like he’s never even met me.

Then I explained that ducks wearing hats were impossible to turn down and he said that the duck didn’t have a hat and I explained that Martin Van Buren’s hat was invisible, but that I’d already bought it and it was already waiting at home in the dollhouse for him.  That’s how ready I was for Martin Van Buren.  And also I explained that his name was Martin Van Buren.  Then Hailey started begging Victor for Duckie Van Buren and Victor explained that we weren’t going to spend $20 on a fragile ancient duckling I’d probably break immediately and Hailey pointed out that if he got broken “we could fix him with duck tape”.  Then I melted from the cuteness and promised her a (probably taxidermied) pony, and Victor looked at us worriedly and wondered when Hailey had joined my strange alliance.  Then I explained that I would make Martin Van Buren into a vampire hunter and then Victor said he’d buy him if I just stopped talking.  EVERYONE WINS.

Especially Martin Van Buren, who looks like a damn bad-ass in his top-hat, holding a bloody spike he just used to impale a nonsexy vampire.

Proof:

He has a bloody spike under his wing. And a very self-satisfied but shell-shocked look on his face. It's like he was MADE for Vampire-hunting.

The really weird thing is that I already owned everything necessary for this scene. The only thing I was missing was a duck that looks good in a hat.

I showed the scene to Victor and he sighed and agreed that it was very frightening but (he pointed out) not for the reasons I’d intended.

Wow.  This post was meant to make it up to you for being MIA so much but now I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks and baby heads on spikes.  BUT!  There is one very important part I can’t miss.  Because when we first drove up to the market I screamed “HOLY SHITSNACKS, IT’S A FLOCK OF BEYONCES”.  Because it was.  And Victor glared at me while I haggled for a smallish sort of giant metal chicken who desperately wanted a home and he accused me of having some sort of a metal chicken hoarding problem.  But then I pointed out that I was buying this apartment sized metal chicken for you.  Yes, you.  Because I love you.  But I can’t afford to buy chickens all of you so instead I’m randomly selecting one of you to actually win it.  Granted, your spouse might hate it, but you can point out that at least it’s not towels, which has always worked for me.

I took two pictures, but Ferris Mewler managed to squirrel his way into them so you’ll have to ignore him.  Or use him for scale.

"What? You're taking a picture? Don't mind me. I'll just stand back here in case someone needs me."

Ferris Mewler: "These are my paws, you guys." We've all seen your paws, Ferris Mewler.

Anyway, as a very large thank you for not deserting me while I’ve been busy with book stuff I will randomly select one of you from the comments below to win the mini-Beyonce.  All you have to do is tell me what you would name him if he was yours.

The names “Beyonce” and “Martin Van Buren” are spoken for.

Obviously.

UPDATED:  Holy crap, you guys.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Also, thank you so much for distracting me from the fact that tonight I’m spending tonight in a hospital so they can see if I’m having seizures in my sleep because apparently I don’t have enough shit wrong with me.  (If they let me have my phone I will –of course – be live-tweeting the whole thing.)  And in appreciation for offering up such twisted names (so brilliant that I’m tempted to adopt an orphanage just to have kids to name) that I’ve convinced my editor to send me a couple of advance copies of my book to give out as well.  The advance copies are soft-cover and have typos and the pictures are low resolution, but you’ll be able to read my book 2 months before it’s available.  Or you can use it to fix a wobbly table.  Either way, really.

PS.  Seriously.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I needed the laugh today.  I’ll pick the winners this week.

UPDATED X 2:  Holy crap.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Winners announced over here.

4,589 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’d name him… “Not towels”

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  2. Well since yours is a *giant* metal chicken named Beyonce and this is a baby version, the obvious choice for a name (to me, anyway) is Blue Ivy!

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  3. I am utter intreiged by the tool holding babyBeyonce’s feet down in the second photo! It is like it just appeared there. I am fairly sure you can’t post babyBeyonce to Australia, but if you were too, i would totally name her Lorraine!

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  4. Tail Blue Carter….of course

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  5. If Sherman would like to meet our real egg laying hens just send him my way.

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  6. O.k. I messed that up. Maybe Blue Tail Carter sounds better.

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  7. Babs – because you went all like early 2000’s diva, but clearly, this is more deserving of diva who’s been around forever.

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  8. I’d name him Maurice

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  9. Grandmaster Cluck. No question about it.

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  10. Wait — would a spike used to kill a vampire actually be bloody? I didn’t think vampires had blood. Other than that, though, the scene looks totally realistic.

    Are you actually giving away the chicken? Because it looks like Ferris Mewler might be thinking about using it as a back-scratcher, and it seems cruel to deprive him of that.

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  11. That is the cutest fucking baby dead duck I have *ever* seen. The cross and the spike? It’s all Duffy, the Duckpire Slayer. I think I just melted from a heart attack.

    Anywho, the male Beyonce? Caw-L. Of course.

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  12. 12
    fiona clough

    I saw another Beyonce the other week, obviously I had to take a photo! Will put it on face book, eventually…..I think if the newer chicken is definately a boy, and it’s a mini me of Beyonce…..Surely Vern would be appropriate? Alas I also live in Oz, but worth a go?! Much love xxxx

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  13. I would love a mini-beyonce – he/she/it/xi would make the perfect decoration for my new dorm room. I have to establish myself in the college pecking order somehow! I’d name it… Gilbert Gottfried, and giggle in contentment as it mentally screeched into my ear through the night.

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  14. If I were the lucky person selected, I would name him Ramses. He’d confuse the hell out of my ducks (Matilda, Delta Dawn and Gary) and all 8 of our barn cats (Touche, Tank, Violet, Buckaroo, Cocoa, Gavin, Sylvia & Lou Reed). Send Ramses home to Oregon!

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  15. Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus.

    The 5th.

    On account of me having named other inanimate objects Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus since High School. FACT.

    Handle it.

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  16. Benedict Roosterbatch. Obviously.

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  17. The OBVIOUS name for this little metal chicken is “Lil’ Kim”

    Failing that… Englebert Humperdink

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  18. Since my husband watches Home Improvement (still) with a passion, the first thing through my head was “Duc-t tape” Or however you would type it grossly overpronounced and punctuated with spit.

    Also running through my head was a new teen paranormal drama called “Ducky the Vampire Slayer”. It’s the only way stupid prissy vampires could get any cuter.
    Wait, no, the duck with glitter. There we go.

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  19. I would say his name needs to be Roberto.

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  20. I’d name her Edna. I have no idea why but that is the name that popped into my head when I saw her. I think you have to go with your gut when it comes to metal chickens.

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  21. Al McWhiggin, of the Al’s Toy Barn franchise from Toy Story. “It’s the chicken man!”

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  22. Eunice, because I’ve never known anyone named Eunice. I hear her saying “Girl…. go git me a Co-Cola!”

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  23. Would totally name it Tyrannosaurus Banks… and call it Tyra for short…

    Or not…

    Either way I’m naming something that heh.

    I already have a purple fish named Tyrannosaurus and I call him Ty… Even though it’s a boy… we refer to him as “her”. Okay OT.

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  24. I love the vampire hunter duck (and I HATE vampire hunters).

    I’d probably name the mini-Beyonce Missy Insomnia.

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  25. I’d name it Pollito Chicken. Cuz Spanglish rocks like that. Also? It’s middle name would be Barbie cuz my 4 year old names EVERYTHING Barbie. I’m even driving The Barbiemobile. I *know*! Dreams do come true!!!

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  26. His name shall be herman!

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  27. I suppose that Cock-a-Cola is an obvious choice, but I still like it.

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  28. I’m very curious to know what the person looks like who set up that baby head display…

    Looking at the feet, I think I’d go with Rusty for the mini metal chick.

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  29. Effing Awesome.

    cuz it is.

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  30. Clucky McKnockKnock, MF

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  31. I would name her Ryma Ben-Spike (because I’m in Israel and we don’t do Van anything, we do Ben-something.)

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  32. Cogburn, bounty hunter

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  33. Pemberton Mackleby. 🙂 and he’s made out of COKE cans! Its like everything I love in the world had sex and then laid an egg, and Pemberton hatched out of it.!🙂

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  34. I’d name him Cokie. Maybe for the fact that his body is made out of a coke can. Maybe for the habit my husband would think I must have developed to want a metal chicken in the house. Because I do. I do want that metal chicken.

    Also, I’m going to need to find one of those markets when we visit my husband’s family in rural Texas later this year. Baby’s heads on spikes and stuffed ducklings are way better than any merchandise at our local mall.

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  35. Well, it seems that everything that my hubby and I name has to have a Star trek, or TV inspired name… and so I’d probably have to name it Carrie, because then we’d be afraid it was going to murder us in our sleep.

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  36. i’d probably name him:
    tic tac taco
    because i mean, you’d never put tic tacs on tacos.
    even though that has nothing to do with anything, i swear when i said the name, the chicken gave a little smile.

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  37. Figarro… I think he is a boy chicken… rooster that is and I bet he would sing if he only had a heart…

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  38. Glen Coco. So when I walk by him I say ” you go glen coco! And none for Gretchen Weiners bye”

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  39. I would name her Holly S. Hitsnacks, clearly.

    And I would leave her in front of my best friend’s door in the middle of the night, because someone (not me) left a set of stacking dolls in her front yard in the middle of the night recently, and it’s freaking her right the fuck out. She thinks it’s the yardsale mafia or something. Clearly, this means that I must leave random things in her yard at regular intervals just to watch her slowly go insane from the resulting paranoia.

    It’s what any good friend would do.

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  40. 40
    Stephanie Harper

    He rather looks like a Heathcliff to me. The rakish air, with a sense of tragic foreboding lurking just beneath the surface. Or that could be rust, I suppose. In any case, he just screams out “HEATHCLIFF!”

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  41. 41
    Melissa Herndon

    I would name her Pepsi, just because I would have to justify the parts of a coke can used to make the amazing chicken

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  42. I would call him George Orwell. He could herd the flock of plastic pink flamingos that hangs out in my back yard. And scare away the geese.

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  43. Dolly Parton…

    But I think you should get another duck and name him Ducky Minaj

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  44. I would name him Chester Arthur. James Garfield’s Vice Preseident.

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  45. Although Blue Ivy was a thought I had too, it didn’t seem to fit…

    I’m voting for Jermaine Dupree ’cause he’s little and kinda grows on you the more you think about it.

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  46. It’s 2:30am. I’m coding like an idiot. And then your tweet about ducklings murdering vampires. Now I’ve stopped coding and I’m about to go rock myself to sleep in the corner. Ring ring, motherfucker.

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  47. Well, since it’s made from Coca-Cola cans, shouldn’t it be named Cock-a-Cola?

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  48. I’d name him Rihanna, of course. One good diva deserves another! Or William Wordsworth.

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  49. Wow. Martin van Buren looks total bad-ass. And he doesn’t seem likely to be bothered about vampires being all sexy and stuff (http://heinakroon.com/2012/01/03/why-vampires-are-sexy/ *ahem*), he’d slay them regardless. That’s the kind of duckling you want at home.

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  50. I am laughing into a pillow so I don’t wake my hub. For some strange reason he has put up with my craziness for 40 (FOUR-ZERO!) years. I think we deserve a Beyonce` chicken!

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  51. I would call him ‘Whatthehell??!!’ as ’tis what most people would exclaim upon beholding him.

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  52. His name is Quincy Van der Cluck. I just know it.

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  53. Fred. Only because I was never able to name anything Fred as a child for fear of insulting my father but in this case, dad would love his namesake.🙂

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  54. Cola Cabana, of course.
    Why? Because that is obviously his name.

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  55. I would name it moosefaces🙂 Yeah I know it’s named after my Twitter account, but I love that name. So random…so awesome.

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  56. Naming a metal chicken is much harder than one would think… But I’d have to go with James Van Der Beak

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  57. It’s pretty obvious that that there is a Ke$ha next to Ferris Mewler. She’d confuse the heck out of the border collie who is both incredibly intrigued by the local emu (OMG! I luuurve to chase birds!) and afraid of it (OMG! It is enormous!). It’s funny to watch these conflicting emotions take their turns in her brain in rapid succession.

    Or Marie Curie. It could also be a Marie Curie.

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  58. Mr. Weldsworth

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  59. Quaaludes.

    Or Cleo. After my grandmother.

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  60. I love Beyonce’s. My dad bought me a mini flock of Beyonce’s for my birthday this year after we read your post about learning to pick your battles. My mother was very confused as to why my father insisted on purchasing a flock of metal chickens for my birthday (especially since one of them was missing a head), but she rolled her eyes and let him because she just doesn’t have the energy to argue anymore.

    If I get this chicken, I’d name him Freddie Mercury.

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  61. He just looks like a Buckminster Fuller to me. It’s such a wacky name that bespeaks dignity and hilarity at the same time. Doesn’t it just resonate with you? Maybe it’s just the synesthesia talking, but the colors of the word even match the colors on the chicken!

    Also, posts like this just affirm that my life goal is to be like you. And my globe-trotting super star art history professor, but why not both? Totally diggin’ Martin Van Buren there.

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  62. I would name him Mud Lick… I have my reasons.

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  63. Wow. He’s marvelous. What the hell would I name him? I’m horrible at naming things, taking months and months to make lists. I used to be particularly fond of the name Fred for things like black goldfish and dogwood trees, but he doesn’t look much like a Fred. I’d have to give it some thought.

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  64. 64
    Jess "Maerick" Willoughby

    Horribly, I would name it Coco Sheen. Because it’s made of coca-cola cans, and they used to put actual cocaine in coke, and that made me think of Charlie Sheen, but I don’t want it to remind me of Charlie Sheen so the only next logical step is Coco Sheen, which makes me think “coke machine”, which could either distribute the drug or the drink. Either way, enjoy the ride before the crash.

    Also: Holy Shiznit The Duck Totally Made Up For Everthing.

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  65. Clucky McCluckerson aka The Biggest Cock on the Block. I hear he killed Colonel Sanders.

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  66. I’d name him Rihanna, of course, because every good diva deserves another! Or William Wordsworth.

    Also, I know you’re picking randomly, but my husband has been deployed and is coming home soon… and it would fantastic for him to come home to a chicken staring at him. And it’s small, so I could move it around and have it peeking out at him in various places… and act like I have no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe he’ll think he’s the ONLY ONE who can see it.

    Hmm. Even if I don’t win this one, I might have to go find one of my own anyway…

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  67. Sylvester P. Jones

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  68. Ethel if its a girl.
    Herschel Walker if its a boy.

    Also, Martin Van Buren seems more like a bowler than a top hat kinda guy. Either that or he needs more gold chains and can really take off in the hip hop direction with a baseball cap designating his regional loyalties in the rap wars. Just a suggestion for ways to branch him out and reach a broader audience. Plus, no one, not even Victor could deny that awesomeness.

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  69. Vladimir Fisticuffs! My mom desperately wants a Beyonce-like chicken so she can screw with my dad when she’s bored on the weekends. Please let me win Mr. Vladimir Fisticuffs, Esq. so I can make her dream a reality!

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  70. His name is clearly Rooster Cokeburn.

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  71. Obviously Chester Allen Arthur

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  72. “We’ve go to do something about that duck,” (say it like the wife in “Babe”)
    I wish we had random taxidermy in Oregon. You Texans have all the luck!

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  73. I would name him Eric Northman and place him in my bedroom, probably on top of my dresser. That way I can tell people that Eric Northman is in my bedroom, and I won’t be lying. Of course, I will then have to explain to people how Eric Northman ended up in my bedroom, which would involve telling them the story of the original Beyonce. Therefore sharing the great joy of Beyonce with anyone who will stand still long enough for me to get my story out.

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  74. Fiddlesworth?
    My boyfriend named our rabbit Traffic Cone, so I’m sure he’ll have something better

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  75. I need this chicken. I have a serious coke addiction…as in Coca-Cola, not coke. I can’t afford to have a coke addiction…well, I can’t really afford my Coca-Cola addiction, but it’s way cheaper than coke…from what I understand.

    Anyway, I squealed really loudly that I needed the chicken when I read that you were giving it away, and my daughter looked at my laptop, looked at me and patted me on the head before wandering away.

    Also, I’d name him Willis…because, obviously.

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  76. Clearly he is Cocka-Cola.

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  77. I would name her Diane Arbus.

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  78. ramshackle snugglesworth the seventeenth.
    because obviously he comes from a long line of proud lawn ornaments and rusty metal contraptions that have made people happy for centuries.
    and twisted rusty metal just screams snuggley.
    that and tetanus.

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  79. 79
    Krista Wilson

    No idea why, but I looked a him and immediately said “HI Lennon!! Come play with me!!!!”

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  80. I think he has to be Travis Mandelbaum. I’m not sure why, that’s just what he told me when I saw the picture.

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  81. I would name him Cocka-Doodle-cola.

    That way anytime I see someone mention having to call the CDC, I can laugh instead of panic!!

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  82. It’s a baby Beyoncé, has no one said Blue Ivy? Too obvious?

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  83. Michael Chiklis

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  84. If I had a metal chicken that happy, I’d name her Lorraine Collett, after the Sun-Maid raisin girl.

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  85. I’d name him Bubbles because that’s the first thing that came to mind when I saw him. I hope I win, because I already love him🙂

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  86. OMG…this is one of your best posts ever! I must have a mini-giant-metal-Beyonce-chicken. Seriously, it has my name written on there….somewhere!

    You crack me up. Love love love you! These posts make me smile.

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  87. Oh…and this post rocked and is now in my top 10 favorite Bloggess blog posts of all time, not that I have such a list, yet, but I can add that to my Thing-To-Do-When-I-Can’t-Sleep list. I don’t actually have one of those either, but I guess I have something to do tonight when I can’t sleep.

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  88. His name is obviously Rupert. Rupert di doodledoo the rooster. Obviously.

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  89. Cujo von Smuttypants. Lower case “v” because he’s of the non-royal von Smuttypants’s.

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  90. Constable C. Benedict.

    The ‘C’ stands for Cockerel.

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  91. Dr. Rusty Lockjaw
    Because then we could call him Doc Lock for short.
    Clearly.

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  92. 92
    Monroe Charles

    I would name Mr. Cluckers de Von Der Nuggets

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  93. Emma, in honor of my friend’s leopard gecko who turned out to be a boy and clearly needed to be named Snoopy thereafter. I was a bit worried that he would be upset by the name switch but everything turned out OK.

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  94. Cocalicious Thorazine. Cocalicious in obvious reference to Beyonce and Thorazine so I could sit around singing ‘Thorazine, Dont let the days go by! Thorazine’ set to the tune of ‘Glycerine’ in homage to Gavin Rossdale’s Hair.

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  95. I would name him Valfrid, a Swedish name that means “strong or powerful peace” and send him to my best friend from high school. He would be the long distance pen pal to my chicken Sven (pronounced sh-ven) who lives on my bookcase and was given to me by my friend years ago.

    When I visited my friend’s house at Christmas I noticed that it was sadly lacking in chicken influences. Since we’ve traded chicken mementos for years, I see this as a sign that she needs larger chickens with definite personality who her family can not easily store in cupboards.

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  96. 96
    Helen Novielli

    Ferguson.

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  97. Bambi, because the name invokes images of sweet, doe eyed cartoon deers and/or large chested blonds who may or may not be strippers. And both of these are the exact opposite of mini metal chicken. Plus my four year old insists on naming almost everything Bambi right now and I’m not sure why.

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  98. I think it’s a one-named chicken, for sure. Sting and Flash were the first things that popped into my head. If not that, James Hetfield.

    Like

  99. Cujo von Smuttypants. Lower case “v” as he is of the non-Royal von Smuttypants family.

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  100. Tetanus von Lockjaw. Because obviously.

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  101. I would name her wheezer. That name reminds me of when I read the Beyonce post to my best friend at work and we were laughing so hard we were just wheezing. It took me 30 minutes to read it outloud because we were laughing so hard. Mostly because that is the kind of stuff we do…while clam diggin’, in tank tops and neoprenes, in 40 degree weather, wearing santa hats, turning cartwheels and yelling merry christmas to everyone on the beach.

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  102. I dub thee Sir Pexalot!

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  103. I’d name him Popcorn Kernel Sanders

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  104. I love him! He is outstanding. Therefore I would name him Wilbur because I like the name Wilbur. And I like him.
    Ferris Mewler looks like my Maggie would look if she had pointy ears. She lost the eartips to frostbite😦

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  105. Weirdest thing, I was thinking about the coke can that made up part of her body here and trying to come up with a name based around that and the odd welding job on her and the name ‘Burnt Toast’ popped into my head. And now I can’t think of another name.

    Also I finally watched fight club tonight. I think that ending counts as a happy one.

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  106. If it’s a “he” then he should be named Cogburn, as in Rooster Cogburn(male chicken, get it??), the movie staring John Wayne and Katherine Hepburn, two badass people if there were any. A female would be be Eula Goodnight(Hepburn) who Rooster Cogburn unwillingly teams up with to find the killers of her father. And he/she looks like it was killed and put back together almost indiscriminately, so it’s all perfect.

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  107. 107
    Stephanie S

    He looks very distinguished, so I shall call him Nigel. Mind you, I’ve just chosen a name for a mini giant metal chicken based on a (now dead, but not taxidermied) gerbil I had in college. Love.

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  108. The pressure to have a witty comment in case I’m picked is huge. I’m sweaty. I would love a beyonce to remind me of our strength and kindness as I fight demons. Demons much like your vampire hunting duckling fights – but less bloody. Just as much quacking though.

    Like

  109. I’m torn between Mr. Peanut and Rockefeller, because it looks like he’s got a monocle!

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  110. AND Tyrannosaurus Banks works if it’s a boy too! BAM! For androgyny!

    Like

  111. Clarence Pernicky Waternoose the Third. A bird like that needs a name with gravitas.

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  112. I’m thinking of naming him Duck’s Cousin because my parents have an antique wooden duck decoy named Duck & he has a brother named Duck’s Brother that isn’t a duck at all but some kind of fancy wooden tray & my father always said it was fine because Duck was too stupid to know better. So I think Ducks Cousin would fit in perfectly. I know what you’re thinking, Duck’s Cousin is not only not a duck but also not even wood. We already established Duck is to stupid to knowbetter.

    Like

  113. I would need to see the metal chicken in person to be sure, but I’m thinking

    1) David Duchovny
    2) Chester A Arthur

    Like

    Ken Moorhead recently posted Memories of a Nouveau Carre.

  114. Delilah. Because here in Wales, I’m sure the only person nearly as big as Beyonce HAS to be Tom Jones. Sadly . And then every day when I come home, I can sing “oh, oh, OH, De-LIE-lah “.

    Plus, she looks like a Delilah.

    Like

  115. Chester A. Arthur, because 1, I didn’t know we’d had a president named Chester A. Arthur until tonight, and, B, on Wikipedia’s list of president’s of the US, he’s wearing a fur trimmed coat. Chester A. Arthur is a flashy, but small, motherfucker.

    Like

  116. I would name him Thursday Last, after the literary detective, Thursday Next in Jasper Fforde’s books, but I would change Next to Last because there can only be one Thursday Next, and maybe because I like to mix it up a bit. P.S. Are you sure it wasn’t for you, and Victor just said you couldn’t keep it?

    Like

  117. hmmm, it’s 11:47pm on a school night (so obviously i can’t sleep) and i am having the hardest time coming up with a witty name. i know my husband would be all over it with the best name ever so i guess i’ll wait to share my name tomorrow. But i just had to say that my posse of teachers that i work with would be so flippin excited to get this! We all love you and Beyonce and we have talked about getting our own and passing it around to whoever had a horrible day with the kiddos, or just needs a little MF-ing love.

    Like

  118. Oh my god! He’s fantastic. I never call things by their names: Pixie (dog) is Kitten, Izzo (dog) is Mister, Nuggett (dog) is Big Un, and Peaches (cat) was Fatty. I’d have to call him Dickie because his name would be Johnny Cochran!

    Like

    Jenbug recently posted *UPDATED* It’s for the child! For reals!.

  119. I can’t help it.

    It has to be done.

    His name is….Captain Jack Harkness. Because he’s a cocky sonofabitch made of pure effing AWESOME.

    Like

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  120. Well, since I been up all night puking my guts out alongside my five – count them, FIVE – puking children, I think I most deserve to take Colonel Sanders home. He’s my secret recipe.

    Like

    Lissie recently posted Why I Shower at 5am.

  121. My sister and I would name him Sir Geyser Bunyan and he would go on mystical quests with us and we would take pictures and send them to you. Like Sir Geyser Bunyan vs. the twin borzoi bozos.

    Like

  122. Archduke McRooster Von Fowlencluck. If it makes you feel better, he’d have company. I have a 2 ft. tall metal mariachi band in my garden. There’s a place in Pittsboro, NC that has several hundred random metal stuff..including a chicken that makes Beyonce look like a dwarf..an 8 ft. tall metal giraffe, a donkey, a turtle…whatever you want in the way of colorful metal lawn ornaments…it’s there. There’s also another place in Raleigh with a bunch as well..including little lawn jockey’s riding alligators. Who doesn’t need one of those?!

    I left a chicken on my aunt’s front porch for Christmas with a sign that read, “Merry Cluckin’ Christmas!” That topped last years gift of a pooping gnome.

    Like

  123. David Hasselhoff XXXVII, Esq.

    Like

  124. His name is obviously Napoleon Bonaparte, dont mention his height, as he’s got a sort of short chicken complex…

    Like

  125. I would totally name it Blue Ivy.

    Like

  126. I’m thinking that chicken looks like a Queen Elizabeth to me. Never abbreviated. It could hang out in my dorm room and freak my roommates out.

    Like

  127. I thought it was a girl, until you mentioned ‘him’. If it’s a male, his name would be pancho. If it’s a female, her name would be janice. In either case, the middle name would be shitsnack. I’ve never heard that before reading this, and I’m a fan for life.

    Like

  128. 129
    Theresa nemeth

    I haven’t quite settled on the name yet but it would have to have something to do with blue balls. After all, he is a cock and and half blue..and my other half keeps accusing me of blue balls. So, perhaps it will come to me soon.

    Ah, there we have it: Mr Cojones Azul 😀

    Like

  129. You are my new bff! Love reading your stuff. . . . and the chicken. . . . Cluckleberry.

    Like

  130. Clearly, it’s Kitty. Kitty, the Metal Chicken. I can’t get past the literalness of the photo.

    Like

  131. In case you don’t want to read to the end ..we picked Archibald Henry

    My husband is watching Doctor Who and I keep disrupting him…
    Me: Sorry but this is important. What would you name this Chicken?
    Him: I don’t know …Roberto <–(not what we chose)
    He goes back to watching ..I look through the comments.
    Me: Someone already picked that. I don't like that anyhow.
    Him: …
    Me: What would you name him? (Now sounding a little panicky)
    Him: I don't know.
    I show him the photo again. He turns and looks because he knows if he doesn't I won't leave him alone.
    Him: Henry after my uncle Archibald Henry
    Me: I like Archibald
    I look at the photo again. I turn my computer towards him.
    Me: Does he look like an Archibald? (Now I'm concerned.)
    Him: I think so. (This time he doesn't turn from the TV.)
    Me: Are you sure?
    He finally turns and looks..
    Him: Yeah he looks like an Archibald.
    Me: How do you spell that…

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  132. I would name her “Sore Feet Sharp Tail” mainly because my feet are sore and I am drawing a blank at moment. her tail looks sharp also….

    Like

  133. The mini-Beyonce? That’s Osbert, obviously. Osbert McNugget the third, in fact. I’m pretty sure he plays the ukulele and is disturbingly addicted to cheese.

    Like

  134. I’d have to name her Reginald, but don’t ask why. And she’d be *treasured* at my house. I would even consider a smallish shrine/installation and she’d be the centerpiece. Oh, and I might even take her to work!

    Like

  135. He’s obviously Cluck Norris the chicken who can do anything. Including annoy my normally level headed husband who has to put up with my crazy

    Like

    Breanna recently posted Snow Day.

  136. Snooki Vanderquack. But she adopted Vander as her nickname after that snooki girl from jersey rose to fame.

    Of course then we’ll walk around calling her “Van derrrr?” as if we’re dwarf pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean. (because the ‘d’ is silent) (and the ‘r’ is long).

    >.>
    <.<

    Like

  137. Haantje de Voorst
    (It’s Dutch for the main man cockerel, you know what I’m saying?)

    Like

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  138. OMG His name is Dr. Lomax Poulet. It just IS.

    Like

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  139. Broseidon. King of the Brocean.

    Like

  140. “Florence Flashdance Finnerty” is what I feel possessed to say.

    Like

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  141. If I’m a dancing queen, he can be my Fernando. I will even take him to shows (though we don’t play disco) and send you pictures of his rock star career. (I’m pleased to see you’re already acclimating him to cats. My huge beast is 17 pounds of partly-Maine Coone muscle, so we need metal roosters who can handle it!)

    Like

  142. Without doubt or hesitation, his name is Stephen Cocking.

    Like

  143. Chickens make me hungry so Id probably name her Fritata Frances or Holly Taco.

    Thank you,
    Casey

    Like

  144. 145
    ChristopherH

    I will name him… Montpelier P. Banderscoot!

    Like

  145. I would name him: MystiKal McGee

    I WANT THAT ROOSTER! I don’t know why….I HATE Rooster decorations…..But this, this I would display. BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!

    Like

  146. The doll heads told me his name is Chucky.

    Like

  147. so….is this a random selection or a naming contest? señor cock-a-cola deserves a life in san diego is why i am asking…

    Like

  148. Formally I’d call him Rufus Wainright, but in my circles he’ll just be known as Rufus the Mini Cock. He’s a smaller but no less of a diva-esque statue of Beyonce the Giant Chicken. I’d even crochet him a scarf to fit the persona. You can just see the smolder in his eyes… or it could be solder… hard to tell with musicians these days.

    Like

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  149. I would name the chicken Millard Fillmore. No wait obviously that’s a name for a duck. Someone who has a duck bill and is possibly a mallard is definitely a Millard.

    While I think about a more appropriate name I will tell you about the Halloween when my husband refused to tell me his costume idea and I knew from his level of giddiness that I would be unprepared. He had gone to the craft store and bought many doll arms, legs, hands, and heads and put them on a necklace and belt. He went as a “baby hunter” and the doll parts were his trophies, his spoils of war.

    This metal chicken seems a bit hardened by the harsh realities of life, maybe this one is also a slayer, because as you know, into every metal brood a Slayer is born. One chick in all the world, a Chosen One who alone will peck the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. And so I will call this one Beaky the Vampire Pecker.

    Like

  150. I would name him Grimly Fiendish. I had a cat with that name once but he died and broke my heart, the bastard. So I would name the metal chicken Grimy Fiendish, in his memory. And also because metal chickens are kind of creepy. Which is a Good Thing.

    Like

    Violet Fenn recently posted the (real) corpse bride.

  151. I would name him “Towels.” Because the Beyonce incident was how I found your site and I’m perverse like that.

    I hope no one else said that already, I skipped all the comments to avoid finding out if someone beat me to it.

    Like

  152. Asa G. Candler, like the man who acquired Coke from the inventor Pemberton just as I would like to acquire mini Beyonce from you.

    Like

  153. I am extremely jealous of Martin van Buren, you have NO idea.

    and I’d name him Liam Neeson. Obviously.

    Like

  154. I would name him Frederich Von Cluckenstien!

    Like

  155. Not that I expect you to ship him to Ireland, but nevertheless; Joseph Goebbels. Admittedly it’s a more suitable name for an iron-turkey, but where am I going to find one of those??

    Like

  156. I would name him Kanye… my metal chicken would strut up to anyone who was “winning” (a bit like charlie sheen but well… not) and tell them they are not winning and are in fact probably losers…. Ok maybe thats mean? but more than likely TRUE…

    Like

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  157. Eglantine Pryce, I think.

    Like

  158. 160
    Elizabeth Gilbert

    I would probably call him Lil Motherfucker but LMF for short. He’s awesome!

    Like

  159. Kelly Cluckson.

    Like

  160. Sir Cluckington of the house of Hen.

    Like

  161. I would name him Seth. I’d call him Mr. Green, for short.

    Also, if I were to win it, I would send it to Seth Green because HOLY SHIT IT IS A REAL ROBOT CHICKEN.

    Like

  162. Looks like a Ke-dollarsign-ha to me, right there!

    Like

  163. Shaniqua, obviously!

    Like

  164. 166
    Jenny Wallingford

    I would love to give Smadge a home.
    I’m sure you know, but if you don’t, Smadge is short for Sargent Major. We had a live chicken named Tidy Whitey,but changed it to Smadge because she was so very bossy to the other girls. Also, she would announce the arrival of every egg VERY loudly.

    Like

  165. Galano Marley Douchy-Douche McFuckerton Gaylord, Esq…

    I’ve already named my hillbilly Appalachian puppy this, but you can never have too many.

    Try it, just kind of rolls off the tongue, huh?

    That, or Kelly Rowland. Because Obviously. (Hello. Smaller than Beyonce, but with her own crazy appeal).

    Like

  166. Captain Cluck Sparrow

    Like

  167. We already have a Rhianna the hedgedogpig statue. I’m thinking she’s be named George RR Martin.

    Like

  168. I just read my earlier comment. Apparently, loss of grammar skills is a side effect of my stomach bug. That’s the worst kind! Still, Colonel Sanders would highly improve my life after the hellish night I’ve had!

    Like

    Lissie recently posted Why I Shower at 5am.

  169. 171
    Samantha Jones

    Lord Ferdinand Cocka-Cola the Third… For obvious reasons. He can replace our Gnome McKraken who was sadly kidnapped for our doorstep the night before we moved out of state. *shakes fists at neighbor kids* WE MISS YOU McKRACKEN!!!

    Like

  170. Frank Furter

    Like

  171. Edward. This rooster/chicken must have the name Edward. Mostly because of the vampire-slaying-taxidermied-duck (sp?). Because yeah, it’s too perfect. I am a Twilight fan, Beyonce fan, *and* lover of all things fowl, including the amazing duck. It just all fits together in my head like it was MEANT TO BE.

    If that doesn’t suffice, I could always name him Jay-Z…😉 And you know they are having a kid, so I could even stretch it as far as Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward. Or maybe even Be-Zonjay?

    “Edward” is my still my favorite. Snarky enough to be understood by purists, yet obscure enough to befuddle the people who have, sadly, been unexposed to the incredible, insanely, life-changing influence of Beyonce and those like her!!

    PICK ME! Beyonce changed my life…and I would be honored to make sure Edward (or Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward, or even Be-Zonjay) would be prominently featured in many parts of my life and my blog, forever. Amen.

    Seriously, tho, pick me =) You won’t regret it.

    Much love to my favorite blogger,
    K-Z

    Like

    Kristi recently posted Autism night in “Bodyworlds & the Brain!” (OMSI Event).

  172. He looks kinda reggae and about 1/4 to 1/5th the height of a human so…

    …. I hereby present you with Bob Marley the Fifth or Bob Marley V.

    Like

  173. 175
    Samantha Jones

    I will also give him a Mustache and a Monocle… Because he clearly lacks those and needs them to survive.

    Like

  174. 176
    Joeyeah_right

    If I win the awesome metal chicken, I would name him Edward (if it’s a girl) and Joan The Vampire Slayer (if it’s a boy).
    (I know the chicken has the large tail reminiscent of a rooster, so must be a boy, but what if the chicken is in disguise? Possibly hiding out from the Feds under an assumed identity?)

    Like

  175. Oddly enough, I was just thinking about Beyonce today as I went out my front door (at 3pm) and was greeted by the sound of our neighbor’s rooster crowing. We live, quite literally, across the street that defines city limits so the rooster isn’t illegally squatting…as it were. Unfortunately they didn’t have the decency to be good neighbors, like yourself, and buy a 5 ft metal rooster. If they had I would have found a flying pig with which to honor their taste.
    To add to the insanity, we actually need towels but I’d rather have Harvey…he may not be invisible but our “new” towels certainly are! ;D

    Like

  176. Me, I’d name him Ernest Borgnine because the name is so, so utterly Borgnoid. My husband said he would name him Wayne Newton. I hope it’s OK that we already have a duck made out of an old frying pan named Rusty. The duck, not the frying pan.

    Like

  177. Well my housemate’s called Anna and she would absolutely hate it so I would have to go with… “Perveus, Anna’s-Night-Stalker.”

    Like

    Lisa recently posted I have a social what-now?.

  178. Rosencrantz. Obviously.

    Like

  179. Chuck Testa. And when my husband says, “Is that a mini giant metal chicken on the counter?” I will say, “Nope. Just Chuck Testa.”

    Like

  180. 182
    girliefrank

    “Tin Rizzo” because he looks like he’s ready to belt out “There are Worse Things I Could Do” (Like Buy Towels) – the remix.

    Like

  181. Coke-a-doodle-do…..obviously!!!!!

    Like

  182. I’ve long had my name picked out for when I find my own perfect metal chicken- Lady Gaga. Since this one is a wee little chick, maybe I’d go with Baby Gaga, which also works well. What’s weird is I’m indecisive and currently pregnant, and I cant pick a name for my fetus, but I have a name for a metal chicken I dont actually have yet. (Living in the south, there is no shortage of metal chickens around here, but none of them have ever spoken to me.) Also weird is that my friends are currently on a campaign to get me to name said fetus Beyonce. After the metal chicken, of course. So I really need this chicken. It’s fate.

    Like

  183. I would name him LaVarr Burton. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

    Like

  184. “Hambone”.
    I don’t really want the chicken, I just like to name things.

    Like

  185. I’m not all that creative (I have an oscar in my office named Oscar) so sticking with what I do Best I would have to name him Sir Chicken.

    Like

  186. Professor Snape

    Like

  187. Darles Chickens

    Like

  188. Since it’s a mini-Beyonce, I’d obviously name it Kelly Rowland.

    Like

  189. 191
    Bonnie Collard

    I would name him Tupac!!

    I was crying/laughing reading this tonight. Thanks, I TOTALLY needed that!

    Like

  190. I would have to name him Pablo Ocularis, because the first time I saw him all I could think of was that he has three eyes for some reason. Either that or he has some wicked awesome birthmarks.

    I would have to put him on top of our real chicken coop just to watch as people get all upset that a chicken is out, only to realize its just old Pablo messing with their minds.

    Like

  191. OMG! I sooo want the metal chicken. My boyfriend would be all “WTF do you have that for? You know the cat will either find a way to hurt himself with it or break it.” and my friends would shit a brick out of jealousy.

    Like

  192. Corey Maim would be my name for him, I even have a cat named Boo that greatly resembles Ferris Mewler.

    Like

    Elizabeth B recently posted LOVE VERSUS FEAR.

  193. Helena Handbasket, because she looks like she has been to hell and back, and who wouldn’t take that trip unless they were offered the basket… She needs love, I’ll start the necessary papers for transfer of custody!

    Like

  194. Chance Cluckman. All these Rooster Cogburn references were close, but it’s obvious to me that this chicken is a Hellfighter. He even has his own red suit and metal hat… er… head.

    Like

  195. I would name him Bock-Cock Obama, of course! Because it’s a singularly amazing honor to have a metal chicken named after you, duh! Woe betide you if you think that it’s an insult!

    Still I think Joanna #65 should get him for her husband, as much as I want him, and I really, really, want him (I collect Coca Cola tin signs, and this is the loudest one I’ve ever seen!) both to thank them both for their service to this country, and because driving him slowly crazy sounds HYSTERICAL!

    I hope I’m not the only whack-a-doodle who thinks so!

    Mumsi “I need me one-a them chickens” McMullin

    Like

  196. He’s Nicola Tesla, definitely.

    Like

  197. Chanticleer.

    Or Clancy (I used to be a bartender, and I had this oversexed 90-year-old customer who used to sexually harass me (although he thought he was just being nice – gah!), and I swore revenge that I would name a dog after him but my husband refuses to get a dog and it’s been 20 years now so I need to wreak my revenge. This rooster reminds me of that Clancy.

    Like

    Scarlett recently posted Yay for me!.

  198. That chicken looks like a Sheniqua to me.

    Like

  199. Ed Gein.

    Cause obviously you live around the corner from him.

    Like

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  200. Looks Italian to me. It’s the eyes. Sophia Loren, Junior.

    Like

  201. Well, DUH. His name is ALREADY John Pemberton! It’s RIGHT THERE on his WING!

    (oh shut up and google it)

    Like

  202. Stephen “Cluc” King

    Like

  203. I would name him “Baron Franklin Von Cluckenbaum” and proudly display him wearing a top hat and a monocle, because he’s one bad-ass Bond villain of a metal chicken!

    Like

  204. Not sure if second thoughts are allowed but the gerbils in my head are not sleeping….and I remembered a story….

    Another name T-MARTIN….in honor of a former boss who called downstairs once upon a time and asked me the question “Do chickens have balls”? (This was back in pre-google times and I was the office trivia person) It was the strangest trivia question I had EVER been asked and I could not stop laughing…..tears down the face…sore belly etc. My dear sweet Mom, who I had been on the phone with at the time, found it hysterical too……so a week later….a beanie baby chicken showed up in the mail with two pom-poms sewed to his nether regions. Sadly, that beanie baby chicken is no longer with us….so a metal chicken named in honor of the question “Do chickens have balls?” seems fitting…..in a very middle of the night kind of way!!!!

    Like

  205. I recently rediscovered a cartoon from my childhood, Count Duckula. Wonder how the vampire duck would get along with the vampire hunting duck, the mind boggles…

    Like

    Bronwyn @ Mad Crafty Mama recently posted Red & Aqua is so yesterday.

  206. Captain Cuddles.

    Because he looks like he needs some.
    As long as your up on your tetanus shots.

    Like

  207. I’d name him Otto, Otto Von Schnell

    Like

  208. I think I would call her “Cluckerpuck”

    Like

  209. I need that metal chicken. I’d call her ‘Beyonce II’ because I don’t have your wit and intelligence, and instead just emulate it. But it’s the most sincere form of flattery, right?

    Like

    my honest answer recently posted He was perfect in every way. Except the one that counted..

  210. Mr. Clucken Von Schnauderhasen. He’s seems very German to me.

    Like

    Megs recently posted Once Upon a Time.

  211. He looks like Camilla and Gonzo’s love child. I mean, really, check out the blue nose! So, hear me pout, GONZ-ILLA!

    It’s perfect.

    Like

  212. The thought of a Beyonce like chicken in my house thrills me beyond belief. What would i name him? Probably towels because anyone that knows me knows about your blog post and would see the humor in this. I have to say a metal chicken will be living here within a year if i have my way… in my new produce garden… as soon as i have the funds to make it happen!

    Like

  213. If you are ever in Southern California, you should definitely check out this guy and his work:
    http://ricardoabreceda.com/

    It might be something to consider for Victor for this year’s anniversary.🙂

    Like

  214. His name is Anderson Cooper.

    Like

  215. OMG, you just made my night. I was all cranky that I’d woken up at 3:00, but now it’s worth it. I LOVE Martin van Buren, and I didn’t think it was possible to think a taxidermied duckling would be appealing and adorable, so you have convinced me. I LOVE the scene. The cross around his neck is perfection.

    I would name the chicken, “Larry King.” Or maybe “Larry King Live.” His facial expression just says Larry King to me. I would also have to give him suspenders, of course. And he could do interviews with all the ripped-apart dog toys that used to look like cute animals. Except the spiders. We stocked up on dog-toy spiders, so only some of them are disemboweled. Larry King could interview several spiders together as members of a death-metal band. This is probably more than you needed to know.

    Thank you so much for not giving away a baby doll head on a spike or on a chain.

    Like

    Sharon Wachsler recently posted Kvelling: I Can Haz Service Dog!.

  216. “Rusty Bucket of Coca-Cola Chicken”

    It was the first name that popped into my head. Honest.

    Like

  217. I’d name mini Beyonce, Encore!

    Like

  218. Theodore Roostervelt. That’s what I’d call him.

    Like

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  219. 221
    Samantha J.

    Josef Stalin
    He’s got ‘dictator’ written all over him.

    Like

  220. Coca Doodle Doo.

    Like

  221. Jim Van Der Beak. He’d have a place of honor alongside my freeze dried chihuahua.

    Like

  222. I would name it Shaft, because in my head I hear Shaft saying, “cocka-doodle-do, baby,” all smooth and sexy like.

    Like

  223. Gallus Gallus-Ghali I (the first)

    Like

  224. I’ve got two (maybe three?) nameless metal chickens; thievery of two (maybe three?) of these awesome names may occur.

    Like

  225. Those doll’s heads are fucking creepy!!!

    Like

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  226. I would name it Neo…because it would be the start of a new collection to annoy my wife.

    Like

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  227. He looks like a Herbert McCluckin to me.

    Like

  228. Copernicus’ Accomplice.
    Nuff said..

    Like

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  229. He’s obviously a Roland

    Like

  230. A small Beyonce with a big blue patch? Too easy: Blue Ivy. Or Ivy Blue? What did Human Beyonce name her kid? That name.

    Like

  231. 233
    T.S. Dasher

    I would name him Colonel Sanders and then go get a bucket of KFC (grilled) and eat it in front of him. So he knows who’s boss.

    Like

  232. 234
    Michelle Wells

    I would name him Bruce McBubble

    Like

  233. First – Martin Van Buren the Vampire Hunter is awesome.🙂
    Now, when I saw the chicken (rooster?) the first name that popped into my head was Steven Tyler. So I’m going with that.🙂

    Like

    Paula recently posted asking for prayers and crossed fingers tomorrow!.

  234. Seeing as your big rooster is Beyonce, I’d have to go with Blue Ivy for this little one. It’s even got a bit of beautiful blue on the tail!

    I love the vamp-chickie!

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    JustHeather recently posted January ICLW.

  235. He looks like a Cluck Norris to me.

    Like

  236. Clearly, no one is seeing the resemblance of this chicken to Carol Burnett’s character, Mrs. Wiggins. Remember? Tim Conway would be Mr. Tudball, and she would shuffle into his office all blonde bombshell ditzyness, and he’d yell at her for not using the office intercom correctly? Yes? Yes? Ah, I knew you’d see it eventually.

    Like

  237. My three year old just suggested Chee Khan. Seriously… Who would know she’s mine?🙂

    Like

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  238. Babyonce (baby- Beyonce) …. or Blue Ivy Carver (not Carter, but Carver – get it? Carve up the Sunday chicken?? ha!)

    Like

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  239. 241
    daffodil101

    If I ever get pregnant (i’m 26, I got time), I would have the most awesome time telling people what my baby’s name would be. Dorcas. Eugene. Maynard. Brunhilda. Lillicrap. Ah, I get a bit dreamy-eyed just thinking about the prank potential. No idea what I would actually name a kid- something that wouldn’t get them beaten up, I guess. But for the first 9 months? Free reign. I’d be really serious, and make people politely say how lovely they are — ‘We’ve thought about it for so long, and Renesmee and Sylvespa are just soooo beautiful and MEANGINFUL’…. ‘Atreyu for a boy, Eponnee-Rae for a girl, the Ouiji board helped us out….’ But my favourite prank of all, actually came from my cousin Rick. It’s so awesome, I would buy a pet just to use it. VINYL BAXTER. Vin for short. sigh!

    Like

  240. As I already have a mannequin named Gertrude, I’m thinking Harriet would be good. I’m a traditionalist. In a completely non-traditional sort of way. And I totally had zombified baby heads on spikes on my front lawn for Halloween this year. After I tore the limbs off to make ice cubes for my punch. It was amazing.

    Like

  241. Ola C. Because he is obviously Spanish…. And male

    Like

  242. I think that Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII, as that shiny and rather villainous looking metallic piece of poultry art shall be known, would make a perfect surprise present on my darling girlfriend’s dinner table! She would recoil first in fear, then confusion, but once she got a better look I’m fairly positive she wouldn’t stop giggling with glee for a week. I want the giggling! A whole week of it!

    Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII it is.
    Your stories are wonderful, and my daily internetting is better for having read them. Carry on!

    Like

  243. I would name him Larry because I think Larry is a very good name for animals. I had a cat and a hamster named Larry. We called the cat Carl so we would not confuse the hamster. It worked out well.

    Like

  244. I had a dream once wherein I owned a chicken named Sherbock Holmes. This chicken might need a jaunty hat to live up to the name, but I’m fairly sure I could make that happen.

    Like

  245. The only logical name is Ceyonce. That way when you see the next awesome metal chicken, Victor will HAVE to see the logic of adding Deyonce to the clan. You’ll wind up with a whole metal chicken army and can then take over the world.

    Like

  246. 248
    nanacindynz

    CLEARLY his name is Reginald von Drattersben. Also, he hates it when you are too lazy to say his whole name and call him Reg or Reggie. ESPECIALLY Reggie; because his ex-gf called him that. That deceitful wench.

    Like

  247. I would name him MC Hammer. I am proficient at beak reading and clearly he is saying “Hammer Time!” And also I work from home, by myself, because I somehow managed to kill off all my other coworkers (Bill Amaryllis and Caliope Cyclamen) and I really need MC Hammer to keep me company.

    Like

  248. “The Chicken Who Came First”

    Like

  249. 251
    nanacindynz

    also @daffodil101 this reminds me of my friend who convinced her mother that if they had a daughter she would be Cli-TOR-is…
    Her mum clearly had no knowledge of female anatomy because she happily told all of her well-to-do friends about the lovely unique name her new granddaughter would have. Of course, they were either all too polite to say anything or had no idea what the love button is because her mother never figured it out and was somewhat disappointed it was a boy.
    They called him Seth.

    Like

  250. Chanticleer from Rock-a-Doodle!

    Like

  251. Had several things that ran thru my mind this morning…however he is obviously a boy chicken and since I am a fan of coffee and not soda, I would name him Juan Valdez.

    Like

  252. Before I even saw the picture with the cool pointy claw stick on Harry Poppins feet, I thought this is exactly what I need to store my polka dot umbrella named Jane K. Poke! After all, I never use Ms. Poke and she hasn’t seemed happy rolling around in my floor board waiting to make her rainy day debut. However, she and Harry Poppins can be the star of my passenger seat when I’m driving around (obviously buckled in for safety), and the guardian of my car when I’m parked. After all, Harry Poppins can carefully hold Ms. Poke on his back toes so she can rest, while he furtively stares out from my dashboard for any ne’re-do-wells looking to steal my ten-year-old car (because it’s awesome too). Then on Harry Poppins’ days off–which would be most, since he’s semi-retired–he and Ms. Poke can sit out on my porch or deck and she will finally shine protecting Harry from the sun or rain, as the case may be. Oh, and of course right now, since it’s winter, they would holiday in my living room, of course.

    Like

  253. we would call him:

    Metal Fried Chicken of Death

    Evidently my spouse has been thinking on this for a little while, not sure if she is thinking of purchasing her own version of a metal chicken OR just names that would be suitable for a metal chicken…either way, i am purty darn proud of her.
    Also, i think opus (my penguin traveling partner, that way i always have a battle buddy and never go anywhere alone) has been asking for someone to talk to when i am at work.

    Like

  254. Oh! Oh! Tiberius Burke. He is SUCH a Tiberius Burke.

    Like

  255. OMG he is just beautiful

    I would call him Claude Cerulean Butt

    Like

  256. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

    Like

  257. His name is obviously Kendall Lake after the paranormal hunting Knight of the First Order from “Phantoms and Photographs”. Also, I think he would confuse the heck out of my cat, Briar Rose!

    Like

  258. Rachel stole my Erik Northman suggestion, so I’ll go for Hector Coke-Mettle. You don’t have to send it to me as I live waaay up north across the pond. I would definitely put him up as a welcome greeter up on our mountain farm, though. Too bad we don’t have your types of country fairs….I may have to persuade hubby to make me one :p

    Also, I love Daffy the Duckpire Slayer. Cutest duck ebah!

    This post so made my day!🙂

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  259. He’s totally Ryan Gosling…I can see that “Hey, girl…” look in his eye.

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  260. Well, I name pretty much everything George, including the cell lines I culture in my lab. But I kill those a lot, so at least this George would stay with me and I could love him and pet him and cuddle him… And he’s obviously awesome, so that’d be “George, Lord of the Strut.”

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  261. 263
    aida alberto

    I absolutely love it. I would name her Coco Chanel and call her Cee Cee for short because look at her hair. Thank you for all the chuckles when I absolutely need them. I read your blog all of the time and no not because I’m bored and have nothing better to do.

    Like

  262. 264
    Tammy Proctor

    I have been hiding in the bathroom snickering for close to thirty minutes now and have lost one of my legs. Not that it fell off. It just went back to sleep. Anyway, I’d name him Jesus. Then when the Mormon missionaries next door ask I can say for a fact of course we have Jesus in our home. Wanna meet him? Just kidding I don’t talk to those guys, but I would enjoy the joke everytime I saw them.

    Like

  263. Noodles Hahn.

    (Noodles Hahn pitched for the Cincinnati Reds in the early 1900s. He was lefthanded. I include that information only because it is extremely important).

    Also, this post made me happy. Thank you.

    Like

  264. I’m going with Georges Pompidou
    I’m living in France right now so I’m maybe biased towards a French name…but something about the superior look in the eye combined with the jaunty tail says “Pompidou” to me.

    Like

  265. I would name him Prince. Because I stil have a wierd sort of lusting facination for the odd little man left over from my teen years. And because he did perform with Beyonce once and it was fabulous!

    Like

  266. I would name him Heidi, because look at him – he is obviously standing at the top of a mountain, yodeling Riiiiiicola!

    Like

  267. 269
    Tammy Proctor

    And I totally almost fell on my head into the bathtub because my mother fucking left leg got bored and went to sleep. Bastard. If your leg can’t have insomnia with you who can?

    Like

  268. Elliot Ness. Because the original and the metal chicken version are equal in badassery.

    Like

  269. Gilbert Rousseau. The end.

    Like

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  270. BLue Fucking Ivy.

    duh.

    Like

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  271. Jefferson Davis!

    Like

  272. Weldon. Duh.

    Like

  273. I need a ‘like’ button for #95 Tetanus von Lockjaw – that’s a perfectly awesome name🙂

    Like

  274. Sherman P. Drinkwater II

    Like

  275. Cowbell.

    Like

  276. I would name that little cutie Gordon Cock after Gordon Ramsay. Clearly he likes to cook… he is IN the kitchen…. WITH UTENSILS! It makes sense being that Gordon is hilarous and a cock ;D

    Like

  277. Parker Posey

    Like

  278. Festus. Obviously.

    Like

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  279. I would name him “His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, Vwindemier Vlandamier, Carl Alexander, Francois Reginald, Lancelot Herman (HERMAN?), Gregory James”.

    But call him Spuds for short.

    Like

  280. 282
    Upnorthtwinmom

    I, too, would name it Blue. (that was my one rhyme of the day. I only get one. With 4yo twins and 2yo I’m gonna have some ticked off preschoolers when they find out I wasted it here.)

    Like

  281. when I first saw him I was all “James Van der Beak!!!!”
    then I read through all the comments and saw that someone else Knew it was the right name, and it warmed the cockles of my heart, even that ever elusive subcocklear area.
    I know others , seeing the proper name already in print, may have felt cock-blocked, but not this gal.
    I have been thoroughly entertained by some of the suggestions and gladly internally commented “that name sucks cock”. So, not to sound cocky but, it really doesn’t matter who wins Mr.Van der Beak, I am happy.

    Like

  282. He’d live a happy life with my happy rats.

    Like

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  283. 285
    Barbara de Lap

    Tiberus or chick filet.

    And I have a baby scale from the 50’s full of baby heads. Why? Because it freaks out my in-laws. In scrabble letters below the scale it says, ” pounds of baby heads”

    Like

  284. I’d name him Mijnher Nico van Dusen (and the vampire hunter duck could be Abraham van Duckling). Btw: I looove Ferris Mewler, what a pretty cat….

    Like

  285. Matthew McCockaughey – yup, that’s what I’d name him. I mean, he’s from Texas, his brother’s name is Rooster – how could this chicken’s name NOT be Matthew McCockaughey?

    Like

  286. 288
    Leah Bodine

    Ian Grundleson

    Like

  287. I would name it Glarg, which is a real word that means better-than-towels. And by real word, I mean a word I just made up. But all words are made up. So it is a real word.

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  288. I would name it “Corndogs Jones.”

    Like

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  289. Sheldon Cooper. Clearly. Because a chicken once made him its bitch.

    Like

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  290. looks like a Bill Clinton to me

    Like

  291. 293
    birchsprite

    Coke-Al-Doodle-Hugh. I really hope no-one else came up with this one already… Also do you ship to England? Just asking!

    Like

  292. 294
    Melanie J Frank

    Art Garfunkel, because it’s like Peach Melba, or Steak Diane…you know it’s Art, but it’s Garfunkled, and plus who doesn’t want to sing Bridge Over Troubled Water off key with an awesome MC…that’s metal chicken, not motorcycle club.

    Like

  293. Victor. Or Fred. Same diff.

    Like

  294. Ricky Ricardo. Nuff said

    Like

  295. Xander Harris clearly ran afoul of some dubious Texas types. He must have flown the coop and flocked to the swap meet. We’d love to have him home here in Fort Worth.🙂

    Like

  296. He’s a gangster rooster named “tiny” who struts around saying cock-a-doodle-WHO,bitch?!? Clearly needs anger management.

    My husband would die if I brought one of these home. He’s constantly saying knock knock mutherfucker. Pretty sure our daughter’s first phrases will include that one.

    Like

    Kate recently posted Culture and Culinary Pursuits.

  297. Funny, but I’ve never seen those items at Macy’s.

    Like

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  298. 301
    Karen Stanford

    He needs to be named Cock-a-doodle-wooooooooo

    Like

  299. Martin Van Buren, the tiny vampire hunting dead duckling, is totally adorable.

    And if I win, I’m calling the mini Beyonce “Simon James Alexander Ragsdale the Third.” Or maybe George.

    Like

  300. “Circumnavigation.” I’d name it “Circumnavigation.” And not to be funny. Because there’s clearly nothing funny about that name, it’s just what popped into my head first thing this mor ning. (Typos galore. DROID acting haunted. Giving up and clicking Submit.(Pleasethe ignore the

    Like

  301. Oddly enough, it is my husband who would love a metal chicken. However, since I do love him and generally want him to be happy, I’ll play!! I would name him Johann Sebastion Buck-Buck!

    Like

  302. I would name him Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger.

    Like

  303. He shall be named Johnny Cock-ran. I must have him for my sister. I’d say I’m altruistic, but I’m not. My sister bought me a big one for my porch, but I cannot return the favor because her husband is a superintendent – the neighbors might frown on a huge metal chicken on the front porch. So she needs one that is demure and can be hidden next to a tall plant if necessary.

    Like

  304. Colonel Cluck! (With Colonel pronounced the way it’s written – col-o-nel).

    Like

  305. Mister Pipkin who was, heretofore, my invisible friend. Now I believe him to be both visible and, clearly, that very metal bird. And that was intended to mean “That bird right there in those photos who is made of metal and not meat” and not intended to indicate how very metal his music tastes are.

    Mind you he does look pretty darn metal.

    Like

  306. Chuck the Cluck, obviously.

    Like

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  307. Jay Tweetz.

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  308. I would name it Hyacinth Bucket. (pronounced bou-quet of course)

    Like

  309. I’d call him Shitsnacks, Defintely – Shitsnacks.

    Like

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  310. I’d name him Jenny and make him read your blog posts to me and hide in the bathroom whenever we have a party. Also we’d have arguments all the time because he’d want to buy ridiculous shit, but I’d always eventually let him win. Obviously, Jenny would be a major improvement in my life.

    Like

  311. McLovin.

    Like

  312. J.J. (Jenny Junior because she’d always be a good time!)

    Like

  313. I would name it Howard. Howard The Cluck.

    Like

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  314. Arnold. He just looks like an Arnold.

    Like

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  315. That is Prince Albert. Clearly.

    Like

  316. KANYE

    Like

  317. Cock-A-Mamie and Mamie for short

    Like

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  318. And I shall name Ye chicken….Mother Clucker.

    Like

  319. It looks like a rooster, so I’d name it Jay-Z, natch. Or Blue Ivy if you reckon it’s a girl. It is a baby Beyonce after all…

    Like

  320. My brother just had a baby and named him Keele (rhymes with steel). I keep wanting to call the baby Reminton Keele, but I’m afraid if I do they won’t let me near him. So how about Reminton Keele the 2nd?

    XOXOXOX

    Like

  321. And yes, I sometimes actually DO know how to spell “Remington”.

    Sheesh.

    Like

  322. 325
    Breane Morrison

    I would name the chicken Kentucky Fried… Or Tuck for short. And on a different topic, my favorite old swap meet book I ever found was called “How Do You Spank a Porcupine?” I learned that porcupines are feisty critters and don’t make good housepets, but not the best way to punish said feisty porcupine. Book fail.

    Like

  323. Beyonce Jr., I think.

    Like

  324. Frank. He looks like a Frank. And when I get a flying pig to go on his head, the pig’s name will be Wimbley.

    Like

  325. Since I’m a New York City girl, I would have to name him Jack McCoy because not only was Law & Order badass, but I think he will properly freak out my doorman when he helps me unload my groceries. Win, win. Or something.

    Like

  326. francesca. obviously.

    Like

  327. He looks like a miniature butler, so his name would be Henry.

    Like

  328. A smaller, less spectacular version of Beyonce? Her name is Solange, obvi!

    Like

  329. 332
    Uber Lurker

    Chicken Butt. Then I could say – “What’s up chicken-butt?”

    Like

  330. 333
    Uber Lurker

    Just read Nikki’s name – Mother Clucker – fucking love it!! She should win.

    Like

  331. *bites her lip* Oh my. It’s the time that can only be described as the butt-crack of dawn, I’m suffering from slight, and by slight, I mean “Oh my god, oh my god, we’re all gonna die!” hysteria, and my blogging hero is giving away a miniature Beyonce! Um. Um, um, um um….

    With the high potential that I will rename said metal chicken when it’s not so damn early and I’m not under so much pressure to think… probably “Cher.” Cher seems like a great name for a beautiful, colorful, wonderful metal chicken that totally isn’t towels!

    Like

    Morgan recently posted Five Cup Salad.

  332. Hettie. She is really stunning. Ferris is a cutie too!

    Like

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  333. Sir Pecks-a-Lot

    Like

  334. Well obviously I would HAVE to name the apartment sized metal chicken Victor! I mean, come on, if it wasn’t for YOUR Victor, you probably never would have gotten the original Beyonce. It would totally be in honor of Victor, he really should be quite proud that I would give do that for him.

    Like

  335. Toulouse Lautrec. No hyphen, no Henri, because he’s a cock not a pussy.

    Like

  336. He totally looks like a Fred to me.

    But then I’d have to go searching for his twin George. And then the boyfriend would probably kill me.

    Although…

    Like

  337. My evil daughter is planning a Coke inspired room, because what relaxes a child for sleep more than pictures of a CAFFEINATED beverage? I know that she would love Princess Grace of Monaco.

    Like

  338. Ave María. That just makes me giggle. Because my family is Jewish and bilingual.

    If I find it male, possibly something containing the word “bandokadonk” , like Neil Rockwell Badonkadonk. A world-renowned biologist, botanist and evolution theorist. He and Darwin loved spitting contests.

    Like

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  339. He is a he (you can tell if you turn him over), and he shall be named Simon Fowl.

    Like

  340. I really feel bad for that demon. He’s freaking the fuck out and looks like he needs a hug.

    Like

  341. Edgar. And he’d saunter and have a condescending French accent.

    Like

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  342. Titty Sprinkles. Because who doesn’t look at that little chicken and not see a dignified mini Morgan Freeman?

    Like

  343. I would name him Engleburt. Not sure why but that is the vibe I get. By the way I have got to find me a copy of that corpse book! It will go perfect with my hearse and casket collection. Is it a collection if you have two of each? Anyway how awesome would it look me parked in my 62 caddy hearse Delilah, sitting in the back, Engleburt in the casket and me reading a copy of that book to him? By the way you are my new hero.

    Like

  344. Hrmmm

    Keeping w the Beyonce theme I would go with Destiny’s Chick(en)

    Like

  345. I have no idea what I would name him but know I need him!

    Like

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  346. Well, that’s Fawkes.. it’s what happens to a phoenix after Dumbledore dies… of course. Glad to have you back in the great state of Texas, Jenny! Nothing like a hill country market to lift your spirits!

    Like

  347. You know you and Hailey could be the first to review the corpse book on amazon. And what a steal – they want $7.50 for theirs and they only have 1 left. You are sitting on a goldmine if you decide to resell!

    I would name her Camilla – not for Prince Charles’ girlfriend, but for Gonzo’s girlfriend. That’s because once I had a real chicken and her name was Camilla. This would be like the bones of Camilla the 1st coming back.

    Glad you are back from a stressful week all safe and sound.

    Like

  348. I’d name him Bruce. Yup, he’s definitely a Bruce!

    Like

  349. I would give him a strong Chamorro name: Kelaguin! And, I would put him out on the front porch so that when all the other roosters on island crow, he’d stand there and stare at them like, “What? Like the sun’s not going up on it’s own!” And, I’d take him to the beach, but I wouldn’t let him out of the car because he’d get rusty and then Sommer would get tetanus because for sure Sommer would want to have a slumber party with Kelaguin and she’d want to hug him, then she’d get scratched by his rusty tail and it would all be my fault. Kelaguin, because sometimes I feel like kelaguin, all chopped up and mixed up.

    Like

  350. In honor of your book “Chicklit” and also because she’s a mini Beyonce

    Like

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  351. I’d name him “Destiny’s Child”

    Like

  352. With his wonky looking eye he looks like the little town drunk/weird guy from every 1950 western. So I’d name him Festus.

    Martin Van Buren’s necklace is killing me.

    Like

  353. I would name him Francois and only speak to him in French accents, or little bits of french words, but I don’t know a lot of French… so it wouldn’t be a lot of words, though I do know that Balloon is Balonge!

    Like

  354. 357
    Queen of Snark

    He shall be called – CoCo, the semi-giant badassedly awesome metal chicken. Obviously…

    Like

  355. 358
    Deb Ferpotto

    Obviously, she wants to be called Loretta. (In my best Month Python voice)

    Like

  356. Well it should be a Kelly Rowland shouldn’t it?

    Like

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  357. Rusty McDonald

    Like

  358. His name would be Herman Augustus

    Like

  359. Rusty McChickenhead

    Like

    recently posted A little perspective.

  360. I WOULD NAME HIM PAUL.

    Because see, I had poultry until some asshole complained to the county about them, and one of them was a black Polish rooster named Paul that someone shipped me all the way from the West Coast, and then he came out of the shipping cage and threw some West Coast gang signs and one of my East Coast hens was all “NUH UH SUCKA!” and plucked his eye out. BUT! He still got along just fine with the one eye and made those hens his BITCHES. Then I had to get rid of my birds and we packed Paul up and sent him several states north to my mother-in-law’s farm, and basically he’s the most well-traveled rooster EVER but I really miss being able to say I have a one-eyed black cock named Paul.

    I wouldn’t even mind that the mini-Beyonce has two eyes. That’s okay. I can PRETEND.

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  361. I’d name him “Le-a” pronounced ‘Ledasha’. My stuffed penguin, Shenaynay Sheniqua, is lonely.

    Like

  362. Jay-C

    but I worry that he might miss Beyonce.

    And really, this little chicken should be able to live in the shadow of his spouse, just like his namesake

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  363. I’m pretty sure I’d name a metal chicken “Gregory Peck.”

    Like

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  364. Beethoven. And then I would take him to all my concerts ^_^

    Like

  365. I love Duckie the Vampire Slayer! The only thing better is an indoor Beyonce.

    I would name him Victor because it’s kind of an homage, but also, it would make the real Victor roll his eyes. And isn’t that what life is all about? Making our spouses think we’re just slightly crazy but knowing they love us anyways (or maybe they love us BECAUSE we’re slightly crazy–12 years into my marriage and I haven’t figured that out yet).

    Like

  366. Princess Liliana Von Chesterfield

    Like

  367. I would call him by his obvious name, of course.

    Floyd.

    Like

  368. Ludwig Von Chickenstein-

    In memory of my brother and I’s late pet cockroach. We found him in our apartment many years ago and through the magic of the Internet determined it was a German cockroach, hence his name: Ludwig Von Roachenstein. RIP, Ludwig.

    Like

  369. Because my brain is fried this morning? I would name him Shicken-chit. Too bad you’re not sending Ferris along. My cat needs some competition to get her back in the game in the cuteness department. She’s gotten lazy with the photo-ops lately, mostly doing her “sleeping lump” yoga pose for hours.

    Like

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  370. I would have to name her Flannery O’Cocker.

    Like

  371. That is one bad-ass (small)big metal chicken. I like how he’s all “yeah, I got scorch marks all over, and extra crazy eyes on my head, but I gots a big blue tail, and I ROCK that tail. And that there Ferris Mewler can photo-bomb me all he wants, I’ll just BBQ Fork his ass if he comes near me with those freaky mitts!”

    The Coca-Cola parts remind me of the big puffy sleeves on a certain infamous Clown Sweater, but this guy’s so bad-ass, he even ROCKs that.

    I’d name him EVIL WIL WHEATON, and he’d live on my coffee table, so I could look at him every day and remember where I was when I first saw his bad-ass self.

    Like

    Cocoonivus recently posted Old Girls, Golden Girls.

  372. I would name him Chairman Mao. Not because he looks like Chairman Mao or because I equate chickens with communists, but because I have always wanted a Chinese dwarf hamster named Chairman Mao. However, as you’ve proven with Beyonce, this is much more sensible than a hamster or yes, even towels.

    Like

  373. Dude! Ferris, the natural photo-bomber! I would name the chicken Kellogg – clearly, this is the same chicken on the corn flakes box.

    Or at least Kellogg’s cousin.

    Like

  374. 377
    Jamie In Indy

    That’s obviously my long, lost chicken, Nugget…

    Like

  375. OH MY GOD I WANT A MINI BEYONCE! I would probably name him after someone famous.
    Neil Patrick Harris. I would name him Neil Patrick Harris! Yes.

    Like

  376. I would name him Angus MacGyver. That is obviously his name.

    Like

  377. Fran Tarkenton is his name.

    Like

  378. I happen to have a “thing” for big cocks! He should be sent to a home which will love him and squeeze him and name him George! Sadly, and much to my husbands dismay, this shall be the only cock squeezing and hugging happening in my home! But don’t worry, I will keep George far away from my husband and his jealousy issues. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want a giant colored cock named George!

    Like

  379. 382
    Shelly Buckingham

    She needs to live in Western New York…I haven’t seen a single Beyonce up here …yet. I am SO jealous of your Texas “malls”. And she is so obviously Anastasia Beaverhousen.

    Like

  380. Cluck Kent. I would even make him a SuperChicken cape for when he flies around town saving babies whose head are on spikes.

    Like

  381. Roman Coke is his name.

    I saw your tweet when I woke up in the middle of the night the first time, but waited until the second time to check it. Glad I did. First, I laughed so hard I jolted myself fully awake. And then I spent the next hour trying to remember what I used to hear my sister say when she was referring to “rum and coke. Hence, the rooster is Roman Coke. Hope he is free range.

    Like

  382. 385
    Rachel Timmons

    I would name her Henrietta…
    Because I have a 6 foot blow up mummy named Henry that comes out at Halloween. And my husband would be even more annoyed to see Henrietta on top of our fridge every day other than the two weeks in October he gets to hear “Babe can you turn Henry on?”. For which I snicker because I know in his perverted mind he is thinking something dirty and he is really annoyed at the mention of having to “turn on” a 6 foot blow up Mummy named Henry.

    Like

  383. Norton – so you can scream NORTON like they did on the Honeymooners.

    Like

  384. Much to my husband’s dismay, I would name her “Buffy the Worm Slayer” :o)

    Like

  385. We would love her and keep her in a fish tank and name her Tuna, because they are the chicken of the sea

    Like

  386. 389
    Linda Jones

    My broody hen cookie jar (the only thing I kept from my grandmother’s house) really likes the looks of your mini-giant-chicken/rooster. She’s convinced his name is Carlos and he’s going to rescue her from the loneliness and boredom of being without a pre-rusty Latino partner. My DH is out of town, so he can’t even give me funny looks for trying to play matchmaker. This could be our own “while you are out” episode.🙂

    Like

  387. Miguel. Miguel the coke smuggling cock from Madagascar.

    Like

  388. Since my DH got me a crystal clock for our 15th anniversary (I guess that’s the TRADITIONAL gift), I really need that baby Beyonce. I would name him Crystal, in honor of the gift I got instead of the gift I wanted.

    Like

  389. No brainer, Cock-A-Bloodle Ivy.

    Like

  390. Chic Perez. But I don’t know why…

    Like

  391. I’d name him Eugene “The Cola” Frankenfurter.

    Like

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  392. I’d name him Baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack Obama (cause that’s the noise a chicken sometimes kinda makes, right? Like, “Baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaaak, baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaak”??)

    Like

  393. Alexander Skarsgaard. Duh.

    Like

  394. Rihanna Gingrich.

    ’nuff said.

    Like

  395. 398
    Kristy Boykin

    Coke-a-Doodle-Blue………what else would he be named?

    Like

  396. I’d name this thing Marty McFly, but then again, I want to name everything Marty McFly.

    Like

  397. Beulah of course. She would stand guard on my porch and keep the other damn chickens off of it or as my luck will probably have it, invite them on to party!!!

    Like

  398. I would name it Ophelia the 2pronged fork wielding grill master. She would need a mate of course, so I would be signing her up with match.com immediately! Hopefully the could find the perfect match based on nine levels of metal compatibility. Some one with a thing for 2prong Gorky thinks, heavy metal music, and wasnt toting around a miniature electric chair.

    Like

  399. Super Bad. His name is Super Bad and his cape and mask are waiting for him!

    Like

  400. Solange, obviously. Or whatever Beyonce named her baby….

    Like

  401. I name this grande sized metal chicken “KK” (for Knock Knock)

    Or, applying what I imagine might have been your own gut flash of naming instinct with Beyonce: Madonna.

    (I can’t believe I put “gut” and “flash” next to each other. But I’m leaving it.)

    Like

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  402. Rutherford B. Hayes.

    The B stands for Badass.

    Like

  403. Definitely Gertie🙂

    Like

  404. If that baby were mine, I would totally name it Richard Simmons. Seriously, is there any diva more deserving of the honor of having a tiny metal cock share their name? Then I could imagine a mini Richard Simmons chicken going all “Work it, girl!” and we would dance to the oldies all through the night!

    Like

  405. Chocachola Chicken or Chokey Chicken for short.

    MVB looks really real, obviously since he is a stuffed duck, but also disturbingly like my daughters’ rubber ducky toys.

    Clint

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  406. I’d name him Jean-Claude. And put him in a snappy chapeau, *obviously*

    Like

  407. I’m assuming Coke-A-Doodle-Do is to obvious right? But I’d still name it that, mostly because I think it would be really funny to hear my 3 year old say it over and over.

    Like

  408. Chicken Kahn, Queen of Funk(y Junk).

    Like

  409. I would name that giant metal chicken Phyllis Diller.

    Those doll head on spikes are bad enough bit the doll heads on chains will haunt me for a long time to come.

    Like

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  410. Clearly that chicken’s name is Reginald McCoffey and he belongs on my front porch. CLEARLY.

    Like

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  411. Oh Jenny, his name is for sure- Captain Frederick Von Muller.

    Like

  412. I’d name him “That Fucking Metal Chicken” since that’s probably what my husband would call him anyway.

    Like

  413. 416
    Heather Molella

    Henry Hitchcock. I was going to go with Alfred Hitchcock, but Henry seemed more appropriate. Maybe I’m just channeling Auntie Em from the numerous viewings of The Wizard of Oz that I’ve had with my 4 year old lately.

    Like

  414. Metal Clucker

    Like

  415. Shakira

    Like

  416. Carl. Simply Carl. With a c, not a k.

    Like

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  417. 420
    Cactus Sally

    I would name him Herman Ploucquet.

    Like

  418. So that when I walked by I cold nod and simply go “hey Carl” and pretend that Carl was nodding back at me.

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  419. I would name him The Cocktor. Because The Doctor is already taken.

    Like

  420. I would name him Gerard Depardieu…..

    Like

  421. First of all, I love Martin Van Buren. A vampire-hunting duck? That’s only the greatest thing ever.

    Second, I would totally name mini-Beyonce “Fustercluck.”

    Like

  422. I would name him Kurt Loder.

    Like

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  423. My chicken would be Bobby Nashville. He wants to be a superstar and has changed his name to reflect his future!

    Like

  424. I would totally name him Richard Feynman.

    Like

  425. I would name him Alexander von Haas

    And I would love him forever.

    Like

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  426. The Rhumba King. He looks like he wants to dance.

    Like

  427. I would have to name him Cee Lo Green. Just because!

    Like

  428. I would name him TERRY (for towels)!

    Like

  429. I would have to name her Mother Clucker. And I’m even going to the trouble of dusting off a spot for her. May have to buy a spotlight as well.

    Like

  430. One name stands alone for me. Gnarls Chickens, Esquire. He is a barrister. His powdered barrister wig is in the shop. Being re-wigged or something.

    Also, I love you.

    Like

  431. I love this. And Martin too. I’m so bad coming up with names but I think I’d name him Snorts because that is what I do when I laugh really hard (like when I read about Beyonce) and because he’s made out of Coke. I’d clean off my bar so he’d have a place to live.

    Like

  432. I would name him Doctor and put him next to the mini TARDIS that sits on my counter.

    Like

  433. Will Wheaton the Collating Chicken

    Like

  434. Sasha, obviously!

    Like

  435. Lola. In the tradition of turning metal rosters into females. And, clearly, she was a showgirl.

    Like

  436. I would name him Brini Maxwell. I’ve been waiting to name something Brini Maxwell and this rooster fits the bill. Hee!

    Like

  437. I would hug him and pet him and call him George.

    Like

  438. Victor.

    Like

  439. Captain Cluck LaRue is what I would name him…because it’s bad ass

    Like

  440. I babyBeyonce comes to live with me in Alabama I’ll name him Gerald McChickenbutt and dress him up for seasons & holidays…’cause that’s how we roll down here. In fact, I think the first thing he’d get would be a kilt, to honor his Scottish heritage.

    Like

  441. BAH creepy doll heads and coffin. But awwwwwww kitttttttttttty! I’m a sucker for kitty.

    Obviously, I’d name it Sasha Fierce.

    Like

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  442. Cluck Woolery.

    If that chicken were mine, I would absolutely name him Cluck Woolery. Because my house needs a game show host.

    Under normal circumstances, I tend not to enter blog giveaway thingies like this, as I always feel someone out there probably wants to win more than I do. But because I had a dream last night that I knew and hugged Beyonce in the parking lot of a Hardee’s, I felt compelled to give it a go.

    Xxo.

    Like

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  443. My neighbors have chickens in their backyard. Not awesome metal chickens, but live chickens. They had a rooster briefly, but were so terrified that other neighbors would complain that they claim they gave him away to a farm, but I think that he is in the great chicken coop in the sky. Back to the live chickens, they occasionally escape and come to visit. I will pull in my driveway to find a gang of mean looking chickens giving me the eyeball. They like to terrorize my cat Nobody. He is an indoor cat and desperately wants to go out to either play with the chickens or eat them. I’m not sure which. I hear them in their chicken language smack talking the cat. It is very ugly. We don’t live in a particularly rural area, mostly I would describe it as suburban hell. If I were to be lucky enough to win the chicken I would name him Rayland Chickvens and give him a water pistol to stand guard at the window to keep the miscreant chickens out of my yard. He would tell them if they crossed the fence he’d have to pull on them and the shooting would be Justified.

    So to summarize Rayland Chickvens.

    Like

  444. To find the best name, I’d have to wait until I saw him/her in person….like a new baby.

    Also, my husband will kill me if I win.

    Like

  445. Everytime I drive my the giant Beyonce around the corner from my house, I hang my head out the window and scream, “Knock, Knock, Mother Fucker!” I will most likely be arrested one day.
    I would name him CockZ.

    Like

  446. I would name him Taylor, because as you can see his gender is ambiguous, and I want him to know that we love him exactly the way he is.

    Like

  447. I would name her Solange…because she would be beyonce’s sister…

    Like

  448. I should be working on a deadline, instead only chicken names in my head:

    Apollo in tribute to your goddess-ish-ness;
    Steven Tyler, because he looks like a screecher too;
    or Spike for short

    Like

  449. Obviously he must be named…..

    Jay Zeeee Cock

    Like

  450. This would be great, because the only thing my husband would like LESS than a Beyonce the chicken replica would be that I’d have something else to name. He hates that I name things (especially the cars) and then expect him to say “Rambo” instead of “the Rav4.” “The Rav4.” So boring.

    If I had a non-giant metal chicken, I would name him…Culver.

    Like

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  451. I would name him Alrik Crick III…unless it is a lady rooster, then her name is Francis Crick. Love your cat in the photo. Always wanted a cat named Hematoma…just cause it’s fun to say.

    Like

  452. Ethel. For my late, bad-assed saint of a grandmother who ran her farm until the day she died at 86, always picked up hitchhikers and took in strays, and would totally have gotten the big metal chicken movement.

    Like

  453. 456
    abby_wan_kenobi

    I feel quite certain that my husband would love Reuben Hasselhoff. He’d look so nice in my husband’s office!!

    Like

  454. Spencer O’Riley

    Like

  455. My 5 year old insists his name is Princess Leonard.

    Like

  456. Chester Bumblepatch

    Like

  457. Lord Archibald Farquar known to his friends as Tarquin.

    But I’m in the UK so I guess Tarquin will never be mine. *sob*

    Like

  458. 461
    james michael

    the wee chicken shamus.

    Like

  459. He shall be Mick Jagger🙂

    Like

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  460. Well, I would call it most probably Humperdinck. Or Swarley. But as my phone is called Swarley….maybe not. But definitely humperdinck. Why Humperdinck? Cause well, I always wanted a pet to call that, but as I have dog allergies and my mother has cat allergies I couldnt. But now that I live in my own place, I still cant get a cat if I want my mom to come over….so no pet for us.

    No….wait!!! Swarles Barkley!

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  461. Jay-Z, obviously.

    Like

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  462. Have about Greta Garbo? With those legs….

    Like

  463. If he came to live with me, he would need a German name, so I say Hahnfried Baron von Schnaps.

    Like

  464. 467
    Astrea Ward

    I’d name her Bellatrix Belladonna Maleficent. Just ‘cuz.

    Like

  465. Filbert. Like the nut. Because he’s clearly a little off.

    Like

  466. I’m gonna love him, and hug him, and pet him, and call him George!

    It’s not a particularly original morning for me…🙂

    Like

  467. First off, I LOVE your ducky-the-vampire-slayer scene, and think it would make a lovely October in next year’s calendar.

    Secondly, I’d name him Jay-Z. Let’s be real. We all know that Beyonce is the one who stands tall enough to wear the pants in that relationship.🙂

    Like

  468. I’d have to name him “Jon Bon Jovi” – since he totally rocks! 🙂

    Like

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  469. I would name him BAWK Obama because chickens go “BAWK” and I love Obama!

    Like

  470. If he were mine, his name would be Benedict. He would live on the bookcase next to my green, orange and blue pig statue and secretly judge all who enter our house.

    Like

  471. Rory!

    Like

  472. GENERAL GEORGE ARMSTRONG CLUCKER

    Like

  473. I would name him Calvin. Because he looks like a Calvin. Duh.

    Like

  474. Owe Emm Gee. Too frakkin funny. Just because I’m thinking of Nathan Fillion and twine this morning, I would name the chick Captain Tight Pants. o.O cause… browncoats are shiney

    Like

  475. Wilfred Von Cockerbush IV motherfucker shit fuck…sorry he has turrets.

    Like

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  476. I would name it Xavier Tophat.

    Like

  477. gonna have to go with Prince Popeycock! I think this is Beyonce’s younger brother! 😀

    Like

  478. I believe we’re looking st Reba Marie Farquhar.

    Like

  479. You have absolutely no idea how much that metal chicken would complete my life.

    Seriously.

    Like

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  480. Hmmmm I have grown up with live chickens and always hated naming them cause when they grew up they usually never looked like the name i gave them when they were babies (Sunshine looks more like a speckled poop color now…. Cutie turned into a rooster)

    But this guy I would probably name Fred Rogers (as in Mr. Rogers he looks like a fine neighbor)

    Like

  481. I think I’d call him “Amos”. He looks kind of Amos-y. Or maybe “What-the-hell-is-that?”, because that’s what everyone who came over would call him.

    Like

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  482. Wil Weaton. Because he is cola-lating.

    Like

  483. I would name him Duncan. And I’m pretty sure my husband would love him, so we’re good there!

    Like

  484. I would name baby Beyonce “Leona”!!! Thanks for sharing your adventures!

    Like

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  485. I’d name him Sheldon.

    Like

  486. I might name him shitsnacks, but really have to meet him first.

    Like

  487. Following directions this time:

    I’m going to name her Solange. Beyonce’s younger, slightly less attractive and less famous sister.

    Like

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  488. Pollo Azul sounds sophisticated enough!

    Like

  489. Obviously it has to be Kelly Rowland, the one who never quite made it big.

    Like

  490. Jerome.

    Will he also come with a smaller flying pig on his head? You know, in true Mini-Beyonce fashion?

    Or will we be left to accessorize for ourselves?

    Like

  491. I would name him Jubilee. Both my husband and i LOVE beyoncee…. and when i look at Jubilee i would think of my husband, whom i am going to terribly miss while he is deployed.

    Like

  492. I’d name him Banty Cockins of course…

    Like

  493. His name, of course, is Alphonse Cluckmunster!

    Like

  494. I don’t need to win a mini-Beyonce, because I’ve been gifted two already, but I had to tell you that the first one is named Mini-Beyonce Davy Jones… which obviously meant that when metal chicken number two arrived I had to name her Solange Micky Dolenz. My husband has also accused me of metal chicken hoarding, but I’m quick to point out that I didn’t buy either of them – they were GIFTS.

    Like

  495. I would name him Jane Goodall and gently suggest to him that it is his destiny to befriend the only other animal-shaped item in my room, a plush chimp named Freddie Mercury who lives in a hand-painted masquerade mask my college roommate brought back from Florence.

    Like

  496. What I want to know is why the fork is Sir John Gielgud armed in picture two?

    Like

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  497. 500
    Shelley Shearer

    Brewster the Rooster, because after reading about vampire hunters the first thing that popped into my mind after seeing a rooster was evil Ed from Fright Night taunting Charley Brewster. I would give him a good and loving home near our sachophagus. Unless you feel he would prefer the giant lego people (human sized). True items in my home.

    Like

  498. Pasquale. i would name him pasquale and give him a monicle on a chain for him to wear to the opera.

    Like

  499. Willie Nelson. As President, Martin Van Buren opposed the annexation of Texas, and I am fairly certain Willie Nelson would not have voted for him.

    Like

  500. I’d have to go with Bea Arthur. I can see no explanation is needed.

    Like

  501. My husband would absolutely HATE Baby-B.

    HATE him (or her).

    Almost as much as he hates Jon Bon Jovi.

    So for that, I’d definitely have to name him (or her) BUCUUUUUUUCK Bon Jovi.

    Or Jon Bon Cock-a-doodle-doo (JB Cock for short).

    Because torturing my husband with delicious-looking 50-year-old rock-band front-men is just one of the things that keeps me away from the Dewar’s. That, and the over-use of hyphens.

    And I’m not in Austrailia, so you could totally send it to me. I’ll gladly start the Sisterhood of the Travelling Chicken for my Aussie friends (and those in New Zealand). Who wouldn’t like to get a surprise little cock in the mail.

    Right?

    Like

  502. I have been looking for a Beyonce of my own for ages now. Apparently people of the north are not allowed to own giant metal chickens. Or maybe they just all hate me and are hiding them whenever I’m around. I’m not sure. Either way, I want one so very badly. On the other hand, real live chickens are not uncommon. I’m still trying to convince my husband we need some. So far he has not agreed. Maybe the little guy would be a good way to ease him into the idea. As for a name… not sure, maybe practice chicken or (can you tell how horrible I am at names?) well, I wanted to name him Jenny but he is definitely a boy, rooster to be exact so maybe not. Gah! I hate naming things. Maybe you could name him while he’s staying with you. I’d gladly keep his given name.

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  503. His name must be Weenie Cock. A little redundant, but I approve. He would be a celebrity and go on trips with me and have his picture taken everywhere. At the beach in sunglasses with suntan lotion. On the playground swinging (although there his name would be Bangers N. Mash for the kids and because everyone should be able to change their names at will). Best of all, I could take him to the local kink group meetings and all sorts of Dom/sub masochistic photography could ensue. Also, there is a giant chicken nearby whose name is Giant Cock. He could be its tiny boyfriend.

    Like

  504. His name is Carlos. I need that chicken.

    Like

  505. I’ve thought of a few for the Baby Beyonce:

    For a boy: Cluck Norris or Chickabod Crane
    For a girl: Emily Chickenson or Elizabeth Barrett BrownEgg

    or just Clucky Peckmeister

    Like

  506. I thought Van Helsing was the vampire killer, not Van Buren but, then again, who am I to question the accuracy of someone who has obviously way too much time on her hands.

    Like

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  507. So… wait… “Beyonce’s” out, which means I suppose “Beyonce Junior” is off the table… well, if that’s the case, I’d name him Mr Clucktastic–because he’s fucking clucktastic, of *course!*

    Thanks for the laughs, Jenny!

    Like

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  508. “Fernando”, I would name him Fernando. Like the Abba song.

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  509. I would name it Peanut Butter Batman or Francine depending upon it’s gender.

    Like

  510. “Victor”. Maybe the honor of having a chicken named after him with get him on board with all of the invaluable treasures you find. Or maybe it will exasperate him more…Oh well, I just thought I’d be neighborly and make the offer. (At least I didn’t want to name a spiked baby head after him, geez!)

    P.S. I just got a txt from Martin Van Buren. He LOVES my idea!

    Like

  511. I’d name him Rooster Cockburn, natch.

    Like

  512. 515
    Sarah Griffin

    Punky Brewster!

    Like

  513. I would name it, Sierra. Not only, is it my name, but it has been the #1 stripper name for years. My parents were forward thinkers.

    Oh, and as long as you place a bottle of Aunt Jamima with the baby dolls on spikes, I’m certain it makes in less horrific and demented. It’s kinda like saying, “Die, die, die, but in a sticky-sweet sorta way.”

    Like

  514. I’d name him Lionel Roostie. Also, I need to find places like this in the DFW area.

    Like

  515. I can’t help wondering why there is a syrup bottle in the speared doll head display?

    Like

  516. 519
    Jacquilynne

    I would name him Frank. There’s no funny reason for that, I just think he looks like a Frank.

    Like

  517. I would name him Neil Ing.
    He would live on my desk at work and put curses on the person who continually crop dusts outside my cube. He would live on Jelly Belly’s and water. He will love life and bring me much joy.

    Like

  518. Jonathan Silverman.

    Like

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  519. i would name him Oisin because he looks like the kind of guy a fairy would fall in love with because they all look for that elusive magic in someone — he has the magic of understanding, of not judging, of listening, of being there speechlessly, of caring about your cat as much as you do, of making you laugh, of hearing your tears but not trying to fix you, of just letting you fly when you need to and bringing you back to earth when your wings are tired and you don’t know how to stop — so i would name him Oisin and he would be my friend.

    Like

  520. There was a time in my life when I would’ve immediately answered “Bronson Pinchot” but I’ve moved on from that. Since you have a lot of Presidential names happening, I would name this chicken “Bawk! Obama”. Or maybe Phyllis.

    Like

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  521. Ivy Blue Tail. enough said.😉

    Like

  522. Victor of course…..

    Like

  523. His name is totally Doug.

    Like

  524. I would love him and I would pet him and I would name him Happy.

    Like

  525. Well since this would be a gift for my sister so she can start a “knock knock mother fucker campaign” to cheer up all the sad/depressed people we know, I would have to let her name him. I personally like Harvey but couldn’t come up with anything to go with it. I didn’t want to try to hard already getting attached and he’s not even mine!

    Like

  526. I’m torn between two names; I’ll have to get to know his personality before deciding: “Cray-Z” or “Big Chi-CKEN in NYC.”

    Like

  527. Mini Beyonce would go perfectly with my 3 foot tall bobble head metal chicken (seriously, his name is Frank and he keeps the ‘witnesses’ and other assorted sales people away from his perch by our front door)! I’d name him ‘beans’ – so I’d have Frank & Beans – but that’s already our dogs name and I’d hate for the chicken to get confused. I think we’d have to keep it simple and call him Napoleon because I’m sure he’s got ‘little chicken’ complex and wants to war on everyone he meets.

    Like

  528. I would name him Corndog. A dear friend of mine always wanted a pet Corndog, now I can fulfill her wish.

    Like

  529. Professor Allonso Cornelius

    Like

  530. Doll heads on spikes? Tiny little coffins? Holy crap, where do you live?

    Like the metallic chicken though, he is cute in a tim burton animated stop motion kind of way. Maybe call him Tinny? Or Timmy for Burton?

    Like

    alfred lives here recently posted Alfie for President 2012!.

  531. skeletor.

    Like

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  532. My immediate response upon seeing him was “Cocka Cola” but I see that someone already beat me to it.

    I would love to give him a home because I have a friend who desperately needs him. Back in the day she shared an apartment with her two lesbian best friends. She decided that they needed more “cock up in this place” and bought them a concrete rooster for the balcony. Sadly he didn’t survive one particularly frigid Illinois winter. (Frigid because he was living with 2 lesbians or the actual weather got cold I’m not sure.) She no longer lives with Ellen & Portia (not their real names) but I know if I were to present her with a legitimate “Bloggess” metal cock she’d die a happy woman.

    Seeing as Cocka Cola is already taken, I’m going with “Fantasia”.

    Like

  533. Victor.

    Like

  534. 537
    Abby Friedman

    Mortimer. Mortimer Q. Chicken.

    Like

  535. I would name him LaRue.

    Like

  536. Kikiriki

    Like

  537. Shirley Temple.

    Like

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  538. With all the slightly worn & dated style of a drunken housewife in the 50’s (or perhaps out of American Horror Story) that rusty metal chicken’s name is obviously Coco Chanel.

    Like

  539. Shabazz

    Like

  540. Well, if Beyonce Junior was a flamingo, I’d name it Placido Flamingo. But it isn’t, and I already have a Placido flamingo (who was, incidentally, rescued from a flock of Beyonces in Saint Paul, MN). Junior looks like a lippy chick, so I’ll call him Shaniqua.

    Like

  541. I’d have to go with Horatio von Lieberstein.

    Like

  542. It’s a B.J., of course…Beyonce, Jr. What were you thinking?

    Like

  543. My son had a hamster we called Bob Barker. He died this week so I would pass the name on to the chicken!

    Like

  544. I’d name him Bartlebee. I pretty much need that baby beyonce. My husband would LOVE it. Well, I assume.

    Like

  545. Wow, I was just having an argument with my husband yesterday about towels, I want new giant fluffy ones, but we have plenty of tiny barely used ones we got for our wedding.

    Like

  546. Since I was unsuccessful this weekend at convincing my husband to adopt a homeless Coon-Hound named Floyd Patterson, I would name him after old Floyd. Or Salma Hayeck, because my husband loves her boobs, so win win.

    Like

  547. Clearly, her name would be Zoe, in honor of her Swedish heritage.

    Like

  548. He strikes me as a “Hector.”

    Like

  549. Mini Cola Cola Beyonce is pretty damn sweet. I’d guess you could name it something like Polar Bear or Santa or Horrifying Turn of the Century Children.

    Like

  550. I’d name the chicken what Prince renamed himself in the 90s. I’d write it here, but my keyboard doesn’t have the symbol.

    Like

  551. That is Chester Alan Arthur, just like the guy who went from V.P. to president, after Garfield died. The original Chester Arthur was kind of a tool, except that he started corresponding with some lady, who convinced him that he had it in him to be a really awesome guy and an amazing president. I don’t think his presidency ended up being amazing, but he was at least competent, even though everyone was expecting him to be a total failure. When he was VP, he was a kind of spy for the party bosses, who had selected him for vice president when James Garfield refused to be their Patsy. Thus ends the history lesson for today.

    Like

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  552. I’d name him Rue. Like from the Hunger Games. He looks like he could out live a bunch of 11-18 year olds trying to kill each other

    Like

  553. Arnold Schwartzen-egger

    Like

  554. William Howard Taft. I would take him to happy hour every week with me and send you pictures.

    Like

  555. 558
    Ashley Sullivan

    Alphonso

    Like

  556. I would name him ‘Jay Z’. He is smaller than Beyonce, and we all know that Beyonce is a bigger super star than Jay-Z.

    Like

  557. I would name him Victor and drive my husband insane with it!

    Like

  558. If she were not a metal chicken, but a metal rooster, he would be Sir Clucks A Lot. Since she is without the gobble thingy, she is a she and as Beyonce’s younger and more refined sister, she would be Adele.

    Like

  559. Did you know that Rutherford B. Hayes is on the dollar coin?

    Like

  560. I first wanted to name him Eduardo…but I’m changing it to Antonio Banderas. “Hello, my name is Antonio and I am a not too big, not too small, but just right cock.”

    Like

  561. That chicken looks like a Caligula to me.

    Like

  562. 565
    Krystine McCants

    I would name him Napoleon, and he would sit in my dining room and stare at my son, and then my son wouldn’t spend three hours eating breakfast when I’m trying to get everyone ready for school!

    Like

  563. We have a history of naming animals after food in our house, so I’d have to go with “Confit.”

    And I’ll just add that my 10th anniversary is coming up, and I see no reason why ten years couldn’t be small metal chickens.

    Like

  564. Love, the blog, first time posting. I would name him El Pollo Diablo (Giant Devil Chicken from the Monkey Island games) because god knows there aren’t enough Spanish devil chickens running around this world.

    Like

  565. Phil McCracken

    Like

  566. 1. Terrence Jimbob Smith
    2. My husband collects coca-cola stuff and this is the most awesomest thing I’ve ever seen with Coca-Cola on it.
    3. That is all🙂

    Like

  567. I’d name the chicken Colonel Yahouda Q. Fishkind III, Esq.

    Like

  568. Michael Joseph Patrick Alouicious O’Romeo O’Rooney.

    Because we’ve never had any sons.

    Like

    Liz the Insane recently posted First test post.

  569. 572
    Jon Nicholson

    Angela Lansbury.

    Like

  570. 573
    christy morrison

    Two things:
    1 my five year old says he would name her “sodas” but clearly she is a “Charlotte” which is the name of my non-existant girl child.
    2 WHAT ARE THOSE HEADLIKE THINGS IN THE BACKGROUND??? I have a thing for heads on walls.

    Like

  571. I would name him Dinky Bossetti.

    Like

  572. Chuck O’Grady. And I would spend too much time trying to get a picture of Chuck on my porch with the seagulls that sometimes hang out there.

    Like

  573. 576
    Doublebar A

    “Cocky”, a short rooster with a whole lotta ‘tude. Take a look at that smirk. Did he just swagger a little bit?

    Like

  574. Cocka-Cola of course!

    Like

  575. I would name the chicken Marlon Brando. Just seems right to me. I don’t have an actual justification or logical explanation for Marlon Brando, I just think it would be awesome to tell people my chicken’s name is Marlon Brando and then have them give me that look. And then I don’t give them any explanation I just hand them some canapes. If I made canapes.

    Like

  576. I would love to have him, and I would name him Beaureguard. Idk why, it just popped in my head, lol. He LOOKS like a Beaureguard, doesn’t he?!? Pick me, pick me, lol. Glad you’re still with us Jenny. I love your blog!

    Like

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  577. 580
    elizabeth howell

    Fantastic Mrs. Pickles ! But she goes by her stage name of Lana Turner.

    Like

  578. Pepper, as in Dr. Pepper because you know down in Texas they call all sodas “coke” (which he’s wearing) but everyone drinks Dr. Pepper. And also because he looks like he still has a little spice in him and could take someone’s eye out if provoked.

    Like

  579. The name Sir Arthur Pennybottom just struck me. He’d go well with my stuffed baby chicken Lord Ferdinand III

    Like

  580. 583
    Doublebar A

    Size matters.

    Like

  581. Hmm I’m thinking Kitty.

    Like

  582. Franklin. Franklin Von Ruester.

    Like

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  583. It is a tough call. I’m currently debating between Solange + Kelly Rowland. They are both a lot like Beyonce, but will never quite be her.

    Like

    Megan recently posted Photo Friday: Oia, Santorini.

  584. 587
    Kathy Maroney

    Harold Tipton. He seems to be held upright by a barbecue fork. And he just looks like a Harold.

    Like

  585. OMG! You have the best adventures and find the coolest things!! My hubby gets away with not letting me buy weird things by giving me a set amount of money when we go places I might find weird and cool things. I might have to talk to him about that. I don’t know if you’ve chosen yet, but I’d name the chicken Steven, with a v not a ph because that’s how I roll. 🙂

    Like

  586. Seamus. Because he looks a bit Irish to me! 🙂

    Like

  587. I already have a Gwenyth so Gavin Crowsdale, of course!!

    Like

    Gin recently posted Say That Again....

  588. Mr. Belvedere. Clearly.

    Like

  589. Holy crap! The scene with dead duckie vampire hunter is AWESOME! I bow to your genius. Cool as all get out🙂

    Like

  590. I would LOVE to have this guy at my house!!!! And the first that comes to mind is simply, Victor. Because any time I hear that name, I think of your poor hubby and the delightful Beyonce.

    Like

  591. Henrietta James – but maybe it’s too soon.

    Like

  592. Reginald Windpipe IV in honor of the traveling dollar-store rooster my cat decided to murder. Although I think this one would be much more difficult to get through airport security…

    Like

  593. Love your blog! Can’t wait to get your book! Beyonce Jr would sit proudly on my desk at work as a reminder to all to Pick Your Battles!

    Like

  594. I would name him Stormaggeden Dark Lord Of All!!!

    Like

  595. I’d name him/her after his/her parents…Jictor…or Venny

    Like

    Kate @ Fit for Real Life recently posted Why aren’t you cooking more of your food?.

  596. that chicken would go in my front flowerbed. next to our Aggie gnome.

    The ckicken would have to be named blue ivy.😉

    Like

  597. Shakira. Obviously.

    Like

  598. His name is Rusty, obviously.

    Like

    Megan M. recently posted Top 10 Authors I Wish Would Write Another Book.

  599. Blue Tail Doesn’t-Fly.

    Like

  600. 603
    Rhiannon Koman

    I’m thinking something along the lines of….Chicki Minaj….

    Like

  601. With Ferris Mewler in the picture? His name MUST be (Ferris Buehler’s Day Off reference coming): Cameron Crowe!

    OK, I know he’s a rooster and not a crow, but, whatever!

    Like

  602. Cockles McGee

    Like

  603. I would name him Polyphagus. Read this to find out why: http://bit.ly/ymXMh4 (links to The Ten Thousand: A Novel of Ancient Greece, By Michael Curtis Ford, on Google Books)

    Like

  604. I shall name him Sir Chauncey of Carvington the Third!

    Like

  605. And you totally made it up to us. You’re the funnest.

    Like

  606. So yesterday I was directed to your blog …And I read about the towels and the chicken and how your husband loves you for your logic, which clearly comes from the other side of the brain as his own logic…and I was like “you’re my hero..”. But then I couldn’t decide if Victor was my hero or you…so I decided it was a draw. Anyway – then you posted about this new mini chicken and I thought – I gotta get me some of that…and then I thought about what would my husband say (or not say) when the UPS guy showed up with a big brown box and we pulled out the bubble wrap and here was our new fireplace ornament/pet (since allergies prevent us from any real pets) and wondered where could I get a nanny-cam for that occasion…….and thought – “would he appreciate me the way Victor appreciates you?”. But then I thought …I’m a renaissance woman like all the rest, master of nothing but good at a lot…and I thought I could use this mascot as a reminder of my renaissance-ness….and to personify that…..I’d name him (I don’t think it’s a her or it’d be made from diet coke cans) CARAVAGGIO – because I wouldn’t want him to be confused witha ninja turtle.

    Like

  607. Cluckminster Fuller.
    He would sit on our mantle next to our 4.5 ft aerial bomb (used for testing purposes only) that my other half picked up at an auction last summer.

    Like

  608. I would name him Victor, because Victor is my favorite in your stories–he is your perfect foil!

    Like

  609. I’d name him Jesus (read: Jesus or hey-zuse).

    Like

  610. I see Blue Ivy is already taken, so I’d have to go with Bernice.

    Like

  611. 614
    KandiMonkey

    His name would be Lord James Bertram Pennyfeather, III… and I’d call him “Bertie.”

    Like

  612. Atlanta Forquew

    Duh.

    Like

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  613. Obviously. Captain Cock. My Husband would think I’m referring to Star Trek in an offhand way, and um… hello. It’s a metal rooster.

    Like

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  614. 617
    GratchSabbat

    Tattered Remnants of Danger Snacks, or Danger Snacks if you will.

    Like

  615. I would name him Lance Girly.
    And you know what? He can live right on my dining room table.
    And we will start a folk band.
    And he will play the auto-harp.
    But I will sing.

    Like

  616. I first started following TheBlogess when big metal chicken first arrived. I thought it was hilarious. I would call this new metal chicken Destiny, because it is destined to haunt any and all husbands. And I would make it a towel rack for those cute little hand towels that you are not suppose to use.

    Like

  617. Dexter….he’s a Dexter

    Like

  618. Ok, first of all, I NEED more info on the Naked Midget book. Please. And second, I think it’s quite obvious that his name is Alice Cooper.

    Like

  619. First, I have to say how much I love the fact that you named your cat Ferris Mewler. As for mini Beyonce, I would name him Clarence Solange Von Cluckmeister. Although I think that just screams out the need for an eyepatch and a bowler hat.

    Like

  620. Siegfried of course. It’s distinguished- just like giant metal chickens.

    Like

  621. 624
    Heather Herriage

    I would name him Cuckoo Cola. I mean, what’s better than a crazy metal chicken that isn’t even afraid of cats???

    Like

  622. I would totally name that metal chicken Jay-Z. That way when people come to visit me and the giant metal chicken that is sitting on my dining room table, I can tell them of his music industry prowess and roll my eyes at them when they question why he is living in anti-tropical Nova Scotia instead of living it up in Cali. He is obviously on a mission to discover a deeper meaning for himself and his life. Beyonce is a warm climate and he is suffering for his art in the freezing east coast.

    Like

  623. I’d name him Captain Shitsnacks because I really love that you use that word and I feel like I need an excuse to remember it and use it more often.

    Like

  624. Shit it’s obvious!
    Chaps McQueen.
    Also any insomnia I may or may not have suffered from has now been aggravated by the visual of baby heads on chains. Spikes I can handle.
    We all have our thresholds.

    Like

    Kat recently posted Chores and how we get to pull rank on our kids.

  625. In keeping with the presidential names (and also because I’m a sucker for puns), he’d have to be James K. Yolk.

    Like

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  626. I don’t care if she’s a dude. She’s clearly a Lenore.

    Like

  627. Frances Cookaramus… or more commonly known as “Frankie the Chick”…. at least, that’s what he calls himself. I tried explaining that you can’t give YOURSELF nicknames, but he’s still trying. Oh well…

    Like

    Bri recently posted Exert From Common Street Secret.

  628. Pete. His name is just Pete. (Well, his full name is ‘Just Pete’, but I’d call him just ‘Pete’.) Obviously.

    Like

  629. I’d totally name him Victor.

    Like

  630. I would name him Hubert Cockswaggle McPurple….

    Like

  631. Well of course I would name it Blue after beyonces baby name. Especially since it is a baby Beyonce chicken.
    I just love your blog! Thanks for the morning chuckle!

    Like

  632. I would most definitely name him Madonna.

    Like

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  633. With Blue Ivy Carter being too obvious, I vote for Destiny’s (rejected) Child. I would never say the rejected part out loud, though. I have respect for the feelings of metal chickens. (which is exactly why I should have her)

    Like

  634. I would let my daughter name him. She’s two. When I asked her what she would name the chicken, she laughed maniacally and said “chicken name.” So, he would be Chicken Name.

    Like

  635. Sir Hennesey II… Definitely.

    Like

    Nat recently posted More piratey stuff.

  636. 639
    HeatherWhoWantsAChicken

    I would name him Alice B Toklas, because my first thought was Gertrude Stein and from there it got to Dick Stein, because a cock is a cock is a cock, and from there it was a quick step to Alice B Toklas. He can live with my full-sized metal girl goat, Floyd.

    Like

  637. I would name it Roger. And he would live in my home office unless he was busy sneaking up on my husband in his.

    Like

  638. This rooster is called Colin, because that is his name.

    Like

  639. Count Cockula, or Rooster Cockburn.

    Like

  640. I think……..Sherman

    Like

  641. Well, clearly his name is Alfred Pettigrew.

    Like

  642. Hmm.. Jay-z has a ring but I would go with Blue Ivy. For sure

    Like

  643. I would probably name him “Sex Kitten” because I tried calling my boyfriend that yesterday and then he said that I couldn’t make up pet names for him anymore and I’m sad to no longer have a sex kitten.

    Like

    Kate recently posted MBA Update.

  644. Woodrow. Woodrow Wilson. Double dub-yah, yo.

    Like

  645. He looks an awful lot like a Hunter C. Thompson to me. The “C” stands for “Chicken,” of course.

    Like

  646. Mr. Hamilton Bartholemew

    Like

  647. Hector Elizondo.

    My boyfriend and i had a fight on my birthday about whether or not i was allowed to have a Beyonce of my very own. If i win this one, it’s free, which means that it’s like a gift, which means that i HAVE to keep it. Because it would be rude not to. But maybe he’ll make me keep it in the attic and only bring it out when Jenny visits. But Jenny will probably NEVER visit, John, because we live in Massachusetts and she lives in Texas and we have never met! So it’s just going to be in the attic all the time? What’s the point of that?! I can’t believe how he tries to suppress my decorating instincts. Rude. I am so mad at him right now!

    Like

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  648. Clearly his name should be Napoleon Bonaparte because the resemblance is uncanny. Plus he is mini and the real Napoleon was mini. It is a win win.

    Like

  649. I need him. His name is George Clooney, and I am moving because my husband lost his job, but I don’t know where. I have to move from a house to an apartment, and I need George Clooney to sit on my semi-private patio with me so I won’t be lonely. I’m old and I’m tired and I’ve had a really bad year, but that stuff is not for here. Please, George Clooney wants to come and live here with me. Or in Michigan with me, or where ever we end up.

    Like

  650. Bouncy Chickola

    Like

  651. I would name the chicken Joan of Arc. Because on my recent trip to New Orleans during the mule drawn carriage tour I saw Beyonce on a balcony and Joan of Arc.

    Like

  652. I would name her Lucille, as in “Luuuucilleeeee, you won’t do your daddys will” and as in, “Oh, Lucielleeee, please come back where you belong” Because Lucielle belongs with me. Here. Duh.

    Like

  653. I would name this chicken Ricochet. She looks like she’s been shot at many times, yet survived. Because she’s metal.

    Like

  654. Obviously id name him Lord Farquadt…. he seems to have a bit of a “little man” syndrome❤ love it!!

    Like

  655. I do believe I’d have to name this rooster Captain Tight Pants as a tribute to Nathan Fillion’s character from Firefly. Or I might just name it Nathan Fillion.

    Like

  656. Pope Florence Eunice Winston the III

    Like

  657. I would love to have a flock of Beyonces in my office. That way, when people come in with stupid problems I have to solve for them, I would at least confuse them first. 🙂

    Like

  658. AND now I’m going to have nightmares of those doll heads. Thanks a lot.

    Like

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  659. I believe my husband thinks I’m a raving lunatic due to my love of metal chickens. I do this crazy kakkle when we see one and slap him really hard on the leg so he doesn’t miss it🙂 I’m certain this would be the most awesome Anniversary gift ever (which I would give him, but instantly claim). so I believe the mini chicken should be names
    Sir Clucks alot🙂

    Like

  660. That is most certainly a Eugene, if I ever saw one.

    Like

  661. Oh yeah, Beyonce’s hatchling would fit right in here at LeCheese! Giving him a name, though, might take some time…I’d have to live with him awhile to get a feel for personality. Naming a child is SERIOUS business, you know! Can I get back to you on that?

    Like

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  662. Thanks to Beyonce and Jay-Z, I’d have no choice but to name her Blue Ivy.

    Like

  663. Bucephalus.

    Because my miniature Macedonian conqueror made from Alexander the Grape Otter Pops wrappers needs a steed.

    Like

    Cameron recently posted Daily Granola with Marian from runaway sentence.

  664. all i can think of was Blue Ivy, but i see that it was too obvious ..
    I must say im to deflated to think of a new option.

    love K

    Like

  665. the only name for him would be coke-a-doodle doo

    Like

  666. George Funderbeak

    Ferris Mewler is awesome, as is Martin Van Buren.

    Like

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  667. Clarence P. Chicken.

    Like

  668. J. Alfred Pru-cock. He would totally part his hair behind and dare to eat a peach. Knock, knock, you poetic motherfucker.

    Like

    Amy recently posted Don’t Worry, Dear. They’ll Die Outside..

  669. I would name him Luigi. He would make a great friend for my glass chicken, Garth.

    Like

  670. I love that Ferris Mewler is photo-bombing baby beyonce.

    Like

  671. I NEED this chicken! I would name him “Cluckle Jelly”, of course.

    Like

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  672. Mister McClucken!

    Oddly, my husband is the chicken lover in my house so a win here would be for him. :o)

    Like

  673. All I know is the water is running in your kitchen sink!

    Like

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  674. I would love it forever, and would name him Jemaine.

    Like

  675. Al Roker. Because I want to.

    Thanks.

    Like

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  676. What I would name the Chicken. Raoul. (Chick-Fillet was a close second in my thinking stage, so now I’m really torn. Raoul Chick-Fillet?)

    As for the duckling, SO CUTE! And this one won’t get eaten by a snapping turtle, either!

    Like

  677. Honestly? I look at him and the only name that fits is “Aardvark.” Btw, the size of Ferrish Mewler’s paws kind of throws off the scale a bit.

    Like

    Midianite Manna recently posted Gone Fishin.' Or on stike. Whatever..

  678. I would call him Ke$ha. And it would be awesome.

    Like

  679. 682
    Duckee Magee

    Digging the hell out of the vampire hunter duck. Makes my vampire rubber duckie squeak in fear!
    If I won the mini Beyonce, I would have to name it Beakermeister Meisterbeaker.
    Good luck picking a winner. There are some fantastic name choices, here. You have very creative fans!
    Welcome back!!!!

    Like

  680. As a chicken smaller, not as impressive and clearly jealous of Beyonce and her fame. This chicken’s name is Michelle Williams.

    Like

    Mary recently posted Antique and Vintage Furnishings.

  681. The Cluckess

    Like

  682. Name the new chicken Mary J Blige. Because the coke is behind her now. Love your posts!

    Like

  683. I will call him/her Dr Watson or Mrs Hudson depending on what gender he/she appears to be when I look under those metal skirts. We have a toy stuffed sloth named Sherlock and I believe he is lonely.

    Oh wait, I just realised the chicken looks a bit evil. Let’s go with Moriarty. That seems more like a chicken-y name.

    Like

  684. C.M. Cluck, after my favorite WWE wrestler, C.M. Punk. We already refer to out dog, Logan, as C.M. Pup sometimes.🙂

    Like

  685. I had a conversation with my friend the other day where she informed me that she has a chinchilla that humps the washing maching. I then informed her that I was going to get a robot chicken that not only humped the washing maching, but gave it a back rub afterwards. And what is that chickens name you ask? Sir Humps Alot. So you see…I NEED this chicken, otherwise I’m just a boring stay at home mom that dreams of owning metal chickens, and thats awkward for everybody.

    Like

  686. 689
    Charlie Kilian

    Of course, I would name him James K. Yolk.

    Thank you for your consideration.

    Like

  687. David.

    Like

  688. I would name him Captain Cokin’ Your Chicken. Your is his middle name. Obviously.

    Like

  689. Oh and a name? Colonel Claus Van Valkingburg AKA The Colonel, of course. He definitely seems like he has served before.

    Like

  690. Dickens. Charles Dickens. He’d look perfect on my new desk.

    Like

  691. That gleaming chickens name is Dances with Mewler.

    Like

  692. I’d add a bowtie and call it “Inspector.”

    Like

    Faith recently posted A Few of My Favorite Things (#1).

  693. Hey, I thought i’d toss my head into the hat for this. First I wanted to bring up that I don’t follow you on twitter nor do I read your blog, however I know them well since everyday my wife takes the time to read your posts and tweets to me, for no real special reason except it is a fun way to spend time together, so I submit the name Moriarty P. Cthulhu, both Moriarty and Cthulhu were my last name change suggestions that my wife lovingly ignored when we filled out our marriage paperwork.

    Thanks,
    Justin

    Like

  694. Looks like a Shea O’Leary to me. Definitely Irish.

    Like

    Kate @ zMOMbie.com recently posted Baby in a Bar – We were those people..

  695. She looks like she’s ready to cut someone. So obviously, her name is Bitch Chicken.

    Like

    Erin recently posted Bits and Pieces and Nails and Socks.

  696. I need this chicken. Or rooster. I would name him Rusty. Not because he’s rusty, but because I have a second cousin named Rusty who owns a used car repair/sales place (I got a salvaged Chevy cavalier with a peeling bumper and mismatched doors from him when I was in college), and he calls it “Rusty Used Cars” – no apostrophe s. This little guy reminds me of my dear second cousin, who deserves a namesake.

    Like

  697. I would name him Victor Jr. of course. But only because I’d want you to have the pleasure of informing Victor that a metal chicken had been named after him by one of your followers. Plus then I could give him the awesome nickname “Vag”. But don’t give the chicken to me because then you’d have to spend the money to ship Vag to the Czech Republic. That’s money better spent on taxidermied awesomeness.

    Like

  698. Chuck Norris, because clearly Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

    Like

  699. Cokie Chickenson? (after Cokie Roberts – wasn’t she a person? What a name, right? Cokie? It’s like the nickname Pussy for a girl. Well, Pussy is worse. What are those nicknames short for, anyway? Pussilla? Cokabeth? Alright then, riff over!)

    Like

    Penelope recently posted I'm Wearing Old Navy.

  700. Ye gods, what I lot of comments!

    Dr. Foulstus, I presume.

    Like

  701. I would name the chicken Madmartigan and give it a broad sword to wield.

    Like

  702. OMG the duck! As a vampire hunter in a top hat! You win the internets.

    Also the mini chicken!❤ It's like Beyonce went and had a baby, so I would name it Blue Ivy. Obviously.

    Like

    Colleen recently posted Snow, and a spectacular Ravens failure.

  703. Benjamin Franklin Pinkerton…maybe he would attract butterflies if I put him in my garden?

    Like

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  704. I would name him Dick Van Dyke or maybe Dick Van Cluck.

    Like

  705. I couldn’t read them all I want to steal many of the above names for some future porpoise…I meant purpose but autocorrect seems to be telling me I need a porpoise.

    Personally, I can’t get Lola Coca-cola or maybe Lola Co-Cola out of my head. And I would totally tell anyone who would listen that The Bloggess sent me Lola for a baby shower gift, except I’m not having a shower cuz this is my second kid and generally people don’t have showers for second kids because you still have all the crap left over from the first time around. But still, that’s what I’d tell people.

    Like

  706. Chick’n Korea, obv- he looks like he plays some badass jazz piano…with his feet.

    Like

  707. 710
    Joann Varnell

    Well, pretty sure I’d name him Gustav since it was my dad’s middle name until he changed it because he was running from the law (true story). It’s ok, he’s been pardoned and his record expunged on account of all the do-gooding but someone in the family needs that name.

    Like

  708. Napoleon
    The original Diva

    Like

  709. 712
    Whitney Lagasse

    As there are currently 544 comments, I’m guessing I don’t have much of a chance. I’m gonna try anyway. His/her name is Carmen Electra. Look at all that makeup! Also, I’m not sure if it’s a girl, or a really good drag queen. So, obviously, Carmen Electra. My husband has forbidden me to get my own Beyonce, which clearly means I have to thwart him somehow. I NEED Carmen Electra, cause then, I can tell my husband, “See, I didn’t BUY a Beyonce…”.

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  710. Louisa May Alcock

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  711. Donald Trump. Le Donald because of the hair and he’s a cocky (hah) little thing.

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  712. 715
    Jennifer Rangel

    I’d name him Bruno since he is obviously obsessed with Coke.

    ha

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  713. Is the cattle prod included?

    I would name my mini-beyonce: Lady Belvidere. I would put her outside my front door and she would be my outside butler.

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  714. I’d name it Georgia O’Keeffe. And I can’t really explain why….she just seems like a Georgia O’Keeffe.

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  715. Since my boy children (and spouse) have to get body noises into EVERYTHING. Sir Fartenpooper!

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  716. I’m such a dummy… CHICK Van Dyke!!!

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  717. Emmitt. I was saving the name for a real chicken but my husband refuses to build me a coop. Perhaps a flock of Beyonces will change his mind.

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  718. OMFG you won’t believe me, but my friend ACTUALLY TEXTED ME last night with the following statement: “Hello, depression. I need a bit metal rooster… only I am naming it Floyd.”

    So if you give me this chicken, it will go to her to help her with her depression, and it will be named Floyd. So I should win. For the good of mental health.

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    Sarah B. recently posted Validation.

  719. 722
    Joyce Roberts

    I would name him Shitsnacks McRedSkelton

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  720. Mr. Rogers is the perfect name for that rooster. I have a 5 foot blow up dinosaur that I’ve been strategically placing around the house to scare the crap out of my husband (just inside the front door before he comes home late, in the shower, next to his side of the bed, etc.) But now he just expects to see the dinosaur in odd places. Mr. Rogers could be just the thing to put the scare back into this routine – and his smaller size opens up a whole world of possibilities!

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    Sara recently posted Christmas 2011 – Busy but awesome.

  721. I’d name him Rooster Giles. He would be Martin Van Buren’s watcher and would act exasperated when Martin would quip while slaying unsexy vampires.

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  722. Ivy Blue, but that would be too easy. Maybe Teena Marie instead.

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  723. Kevin. Because I always wanted a chicken named Kevin.

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  724. I would call him George and my husband would roll his eyes that I’ve yet again name an inanimate object in our house.

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  725. I would name her Donna Noble. Because she is just as awesome as Donna.

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  726. I would compete, but i already have a tiny rooster named Ralph. And he’s frickin’ awesome. http://saraellenawesome.com/2011/09/02/so-i-got-a-rooster/

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    SaraEllenAwesome recently posted I’m the worst wife ever..

  727. Holy crap! I only want the Beyonce if the metal fork thingy in the second picture comes with it! I’d name the chicken “kitty”. So obvious!

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  728. Cecil B. DeMille.

    Exactly.

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  729. Grover Capon. Or maybe James K. Yolk. Or Theodore Roostervelt. Chicken A. Arthur? I dunno, I’d need to see him in person first.

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  730. First I need to know that Ferris Mueller comes with the chicken. While we’re more dog-lovers in our house, Ferris has such an awesome name and swagger that I think I’m in love.

    And after reading other commenters naming the chicken, nothing could compare with the other options. 😦 (Sorry, I’m in the middle of a move and have only had one cup of coffee!) However, it just occurred to me he’d make a great Mick Jagger. Although I suspect he may sing better.

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  731. Santo Roderigo Villa Lobos

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  732. I don’t know what his name is because I haven’t met him, yet. He’ll tell me what it is.

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  733. I’d name him 867-5309, but I’d call him Jenny for short.

    (That’s not brown-nosing, just a happy coincidence. I’ve always wanted to name someone after that song.)

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  734. Aethelfrith Kvinglud. saxon viking names that my son says he is going to name his first born child. male or female.

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  735. Caligula.

    He is a reincarnation of the famous “bloody” Roman emperor who killed all the Christians…or is known for doing it whether or not it’s true. Can you imagine a better tool for murder and mayhem and blood running freely through the streets of ancient Rome? or freely through the sands of the Circus Maximus at least.

    I always thought I’d own a snake – Python or Boa – named Caligula, but I now know that I am destined to own the true Caligula – the metal chicken.

    Also, I have the tiniest domicile imaginable, and he’s the perfect size.

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  736. I would most definitely call him Lord Van der Cluck the third.

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  737. Are we naming the duck or the chicken, I’ve forgotten? Are they, like, ‘together’? They’d make a kick-arse vampire slaying team, the rooster could peck vampires in the eyes to distract them while ole Fluffy D Duck stakes ’em.
    The duck should therefore either be Count Duckula (a UK kids cartoon from the 1980s, awesomesauce), or Fluffy D Vampire Slayer. He’s toooooo cute! The rooster should be called Code Blue (or Coke Blue, maybe). No idea why, it just popped into my head.
    I’m actually a little traumatised that someone taxidermied that duckling – I’ve got an Indian Runner duck called Rosie who thinks she’s a chicken (long story), and there’s NO WAY I can show this to her – won’t somebody think of the children?!

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    ceba recently posted Focus on - Martha and Mabel (part 1).

  738. I’d really like to hear more about why, exactly, you had the mini coffin and all the accoutrement for that tableau already.

    Ferris likes to photobomb a lot, doesn’t he? Typical cat!

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    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Why I Hate JIMMYJANE: Part 1 – The Form 3 Review.

  739. I’d have to go with Hannibal. Just because it seems like a totally badass name that would strike fear into the hearts of anyone who saw it. Maybe it would help keep the kids off my lawn.

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  740. If I were given this tiny metal chicken, I would dub it Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside. He’s a southern gentleman Rooster

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  741. Frederick VonChickenstein of course. And I’d keep him on my desk in my lab so that no one would mess with my shit, because I have the perfect mini-saber that would sit by his side to fuck anyone up that attempted to touch anything. Glorious.

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  742. I love the baby duck vampire hunter scene. I think I need that. In fact, even though you have about a bajillion other things going on, you clearly have a future as a disturbing miniature scene artist.

    For real.

    Oh, and I’d name ‘lil metal chicken Snizzle Snit. Which isn’t a very good name, but there are 550 comments ahead of me and I don’t have time to check and see if my original idea was already taken.

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    Vesta Vayne recently posted Hell yes, it’s cocktail time!.

  743. 746
    Cindy W.