Advanced cooking lessons

Conversation I had after wandering into Victor’s office.

me:  Hey.  How do you make hot water?

Victor:  …Really?  “How do you make hot water?”  Are you fucking with me?  

me:  No.  I want to make a tea but I don’t know how.

Victor:  Go write this on your blog right now.  You just asked me how to heat up water.  You basically just confirmed everything I’ve ever said about your cooking skills in a single sentence.

me:  I know how to get hot water.  I know how the tap works.  I just don’t know how to use the coffee maker and I thought maybe it would be easier to use it than using the microwave.

Victor:  So you need a machine to make you hot water…because the microwave is too complicated?

me:  I’m trying to work smarter, not harder.  DON’T JUDGE ME.

Victor:  It’s moments like this I wish I was on twitter.  “Overheard at our house: ‘How do you make hot water?‘”

me:  FINE.  How about this?  Can you show me how to make coffee without any coffee in it?

Victor:  See, that sounds more complicated.  Not normal or rational, but less ridiculous.  So, yes, I will show you how to make coffee with no coffee in it.

me:  So basically you’re only helping me now because of semantics.

Victor:  How else will you learn?

PS.  Victor says tomorrow he’s going to teach me how to make “hot dog water”.

Victor is a very helpful kind of asshole.

****************

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

  • This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my friend Leonie who created The Goddess Guidebook to help you create your own Goddess Year in 2012 using art therapy  and the tools and techniques she’s providing.  She’s adorable and full of light and is a terrible driver.  Or possibly the person in the other seat is a terrible driver.  One of those.  You should check her out.

181 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Don’t trust him. Hot Dog Water isn’t what it claims to be.

    Brandon S recently posted Brass Kicks Ass. At least that is what Chuck Norris says..

  2. Oh, you lovely, lovely, incompetent hot water maker.

    Does Victor have a brother? Or someone like him? Doppelganger? Please?

  3. Yeah, I’ve used the hot dog water trick on my wife.

    DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted The Kind Of Thing That Would Happen A Lot If I Ran The News.

  4. You should get an electric kettle. It works by magic. At least, that’s what I’ve been lead to believe.

    DesertBell recently posted Translating Song Lyrics: “What’s My Name”.

  5. I bought the book a while back. So excited to finally read it Jenny! When I first started following you, you had less than 10K followers and now you’re well over 200K. That’s must feel awesome! This is most certainly your year Jenny. Love, Wendy

    WriteWendy recently posted My Mind is NO LONGER Trying to Maim Me!.

  6. Hot dog water flavoured potato chips are suprisingly not that bad actually…

  7. You are still way better off than me, trust me.

    Youngman Brown recently posted My Eye: Part III (Thanks, Ladies).

  8. Don’t panic – but you haven’t even gotten into the filtered vs non-filtered debate yet… That’s Heating Water for Dummies, Intermediate Level. :)

    LDiggitty recently posted jewels of the interweb (volume 10) - the redneck edition.

  9. You should get an electric tea kettle! They boil water quickly and easily.

  10. You can find lots of hot-water advice here: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/reviews/Salted-Water-for-Boiling-105591 (but if you’re going to use that recipe to heat water for tea, you should probably leave out the salt).

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted Customer Review: The Acme EZ-Jump Personal Teleportation Device.

  11. Hamlet is most definitely the best choice for “book pimper”! His sweet little face finally got me in gear to pre-order the book. Hats off to a job well done, tiny sir.

    Stephanie recently posted Susie’s Red Chile.

  12. Don’t let him fool you into thinking that it’s easy to make hot water. I managed to fail at boiling water once. Apparently I burnt it. My mother was amazed and annoyed that I succeeded at failing so hard. She still made me remake her coffee.

  13. Hot dog water. Sounds like my brother.

    If you like that Gotye & Kimbra song, you’ll like this cover of it — some people say it’s better than the original : http://youtu.be/d9NF2edxy-M

  14. Hot water is a gateway fluid. As you can see, it’s already leading you to *hot dog* water, then next you’ll be discussing bong water, bathwater, and who knows what else.

    Cooking talent is a funny thing. My mother was never a good cook, although *her* mother was a home ec. professor (do they even have those anymore?). My mother used to joke that the cooking gene skipped her generation. She did, however, teach me how to heat up water, long ago in the pre-microwave days.

    Dave B recently posted Concert Notes: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Death Cab Going on Sale.

  15. I hate to admit it, but my first reaction would have been nearly identical to Victor’s.

  16. Is hot dog water what you cook hot dogs in if you don’t want to grill them? In that case it’s hot water. You win!

    P.S. What do you need hot water for? I’m curious.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted To sleep and perchance to dream.

  17. I think Victor needs the Twitters STAT!

    Then just let the comedy ensue.

  18. Might I suggest one of these? : http://mountainplumbing.com/category/products/kitchen/the-little-gourmet-instant-hotcold-water-dispenser-kits

    Now you can avoid having to make tea that tastes like a hint of coffee, unless you’re into that.

  19. I totally use the coffee pot to heat water. And my cooking skills are excellent. I can make toast! And sandwiches (on toast!).

  20. Oh please Victor join Twitter.

    Gary recently posted Crème brûlée French toast for breakfast.

  21. Every time I see on twitter that sentence “this post is for the insomniacs” I always feel kinda rebellious for reading it. I sleep so easily it’s borderline narcolepsy 90% of the time. WHEN WILL PEOPLE THINK OF US

    I AM THE 99%

    K recently posted ALL the butts..

  22. pot+stove=hotwater.
    That’s all you need to know. Although, as an avid tea-drinker, I tend to use one of those new-fangled kettles.

    Amanda recently posted and that's how I knew I might be a masochist.

  23. pot+stove=hotwater.
    Although as an avid tea drinker, I tend to use one of those new-fangled kettles.

    Amanda recently posted and that's how I knew I might be a masochist.

  24. Tea snobs say not to use the microwave to heat up the water. But fuck them, they are snobs.

    Karen W recently posted I'm going to attempt to be less lazy. We'll see how it goes..

  25. Tea snobs say not to use the microwave but fuck them, they are snobs.

    Karen W recently posted I'm going to attempt to be less lazy. We'll see how it goes..

  26. You have an assistant now. Why isn’t Mary boiling your water? Making your hot dog water? Come on now, Jenny. Delegate. Del-e-gate.

    Mrs. One Day recently posted The Tattooed Lady.

  27. While I freely admit to being a fairly competent cook (I can bake and cook a number of dishes that are good but not mind blowing) this is why Americans need electric jugs – quite honestly the rest of the world really can’t understand how you don’t have the ability to boil water in a jug via electricity.

  28. Electric kettle. Please don’t use the coffee machine to make hot water for tea. Tea needs to be made with boiling water, coffee shouldn’t, so your coffee machine won’t make the water hot enough.
    I’m begging you, don’t abuse your tea that way.
    (and yes, I DO wish to extend that plea to all of America)

  29. Don’t eat your pony – its our new household slogan. Thanks!

  30. Jenny do you ever fear that maybe just maybe Victor might have a larger Twitter following if he were to join? I mean seriously…. I still want to know that shit he said behind your back when you brought Beyonce home.

    Brandon S recently posted Brass Kicks Ass. At least that is what Chuck Norris says..

  31. I use a tea kettle for making hot water…but it disturbs the cats.

    Morgan Drake Eckstein recently posted Trending right now.

  32. If Victor ever starts twitting, I am so following him.

    Morgan Drake Eckstein recently posted Trending right now.

  33. I can’t make hot water either. Early in my marriage, I decided to make tea and turned on the wrong burner. Instead if heafing the water, I lit a towel on fire and set off the fire alarms. Now whenever I offer my mother-in-law tea, my hubby asks if I’m serving black, green, or burnt towel tea.

    Breanna recently posted The Gruesome Death of Flabbius Corpus.

  34. You can ask me next time you have a cooking question. (For example: Q: Why does this tea taste like old bad coffee? A: Because you made it with hot water from your coffee pot.) I would say Victor is medium-helpful on the cooking advice, at best.

    emmycooks recently posted Everyone’s Doing It: Sweet, Salty, Savory Olive Oil Granola.

  35. “Hot dog water” sounds kinda dirty. Or the last thing I’d want to put my tea bag in. And that also sounds kinda dirty. Anyway. My ex once brought home an electric tea kettle, which made me nervous as he was partially deaf and couldn’t hear the whistle. He’d ruined at least two stove top kettles before we met by boiling them dry; the glass enamel on one even melted and stuck to the burner.

  36. The tap water a our house ranges from ‘Antarctic chill’ to’ ‘Fires of Mordor’ so I feel your pain. I usually just throw the hot water tap to the right and hope for the best. Kudos to you for trying to beat the goddamn system.

    Chelsie recently posted UPDATED: The Break In.

  37. There are some things in life you really do need to learn to do on your own. Heating water is one of them! Opening up a bottle of wine is another!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Just Saying!.

  38. I totally am obsessed with that song too. And the five people on one guitar version also. And sometimes, I play them at the same time on youtube because the timing of both is identical and it’s even more awesome.

    prin recently posted When I was your age, my brother wore yellow pants. Well, they were actually red pants, but he wore them inside out....

  39. This is why you’re my fave blogger: You’re having a Laura Ingalls-ish themed party. Love it.

    LynnDee recently posted My Body Is a BAMF (& Yours Is Too).

  40. You need a keurig, a tiny cameraman to follow you around and record everything!!!, and perhaps, a taxidermied wallaby farm performing “swan lake” in tableau.

    Cat @ Breakfast to Bed recently posted Different is Spectacular.

  41. Jenny you are not alone. I’m Mormon, so I don’t drink coffee but I seriously still want a coffee maker because I’m certain it’ll heat water faster than anything else.

    Also, trust Brandon S. Hot Dog Water is a dirty nasty trick.

    Untypically Jia recently posted Sh*t People Say.

  42. You need a keurig, and a tiny film crew to follow you around and record EVERYTHING!!, and perhaps, a taxidermied wallaby farm dancing “swan lake” in tableau.

    Cat recently posted Different is Spectacular.

  43. I want one of those fancy kettles, where I just press a button and magically get water the right temperature. I used one in a hotel once and it was AWESOME. As it is, I’m stuck adding a dash of cold water, and a heaping of boiling water, while trying not to burn anything.

    Veronica recently posted My blog is not about you, or what you want..

  44. Linking people to TV Tropes like it’s not going to steal these poor people’s afternoons is just cruel, Jenny.

  45. Hi Jenny,
    Howdy from Australia, this may get lost in your comments but I wasn’t sure how else to tell you that I found a sibling of Beyonce today in my boring, medium sized town of Albury in Australia! I copped a few stares whilst jumping about yelling “Beyonce!” at a metal chicken. For sale for only… $252. Unfortunately well above my allocated budget for metal chickens.
    Thanks for being so darned entertaining!
    Sarah

  46. my favorite cover of the Gotye song by Ingrid Michaelson:

  47. This baffles me more than any of your posts. Do you not have an electric kettle? A jug kettle? Even an old-fashioned sit on the stove and whistle kettle? WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE A KETTLE??

  48. If I drank the DC tap I’d probably get a nice high from all the traces of drugs. But then I’d also get lead poisoning, which is likely less fun. I like the oldtimey kettles but then I get freaked out by not being able to see inside it (thank you, Infested). I want one of those boil water in 30 seconds stoves that Kelly Ripa touts. I also want Kelly Ripa to come with it so she can press the buttons & fold laundry like in the happy commercials. I wonder how long it’d take me to stab her.

    Arnebya recently posted How’s That Parenting Working Out for Ya?.

  49. One time I wondered out loud “you know what would be really COOL?”

    “what if they made glasses you could wear that would like deflect the sun and help you see at the same time!!”

    “you mean like SUNGLASSES?”

    “oh yeah…”

    Pish Posh recently posted It's Friday! Adult Babies, Alien Cults, and Freaky Fetishes.

  50. Hahahah it’s not easier. Definitely use microwave. My mom used to use a pot of water on the stove, thank goodness she’s over that…

    Mayor Gia recently posted An Interview with a Boyfriend - Part II.

  51. “Hot water is a gateway fluid. As you can see, it’s already leading you to *hot dog* water, then next you’ll be discussing bong water, bathwater, and who knows what else. ”

    Dave B, you made me laugh.

    If Victor weren’t such a helpful asshole, there’d be no comedy in your pairing, and that would be sad because then he’d just be an angry asshole, or a passive aggressive asshole. Neither of which are as fun as the helpful asshole.

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Junami Apples.

  52. You need a Keurig. Press a button, you get hot water. It’s magical.

  53. I agree with others who mentioned it. A Keurig would definitely be a good idea for you. Even my grandmother can use it, if it’s any consolation. Sort of tempted to buy one myself for easy hot cocoa. I live on hot cocoa, pretty sure it’s slowly replacing the blood in my veins.

    NewMommyConfessions (@NewMommyConfess) recently posted Review and Giveaway! Infants' Advil.

  54. Kettle, Keurig, something else that starts with K and helps make water hot?

    Hot dog water….you slay me. What’s next, crunchy bread? Now I gotta hear Victor on “making s’mores”

    WG

    WilyGuy recently posted Keeping All My Parts.

  55. I don’t seem to recall this hot water conundrum happening to Carol Brady much, although she did have a maid.

  56. Anyone can boil water. But very few people can do it well.

    btw, is it me, or does every single memoir on that page look amazing.

    Marinka recently posted Ahem.

  57. Yeah, the microwave is probably your best option. Simple, convenient and almost no chance of starting a catastophic fire. The only thing better would be an in-sink hot water dispenser. I had one and they’re awesome. They install on your sink next to your faucet and provide on-demand near-boiling water. You need one. Tell Victor it’s like fire insurance.

    Steve D recently posted #342 Movie Night.

  58. I have no idea what hot dog water is and feel like I’m missing out on a huge joke right now.

    C @ Kid Things recently posted While You Were Sleeping.

  59. Sunbeam makes a great little appliance called the Hot Shot. Heats up to 2 cups go water to boiling in just over a minute. Amazon has them of course.

    Jessica recently posted Sunday Morning Coffee #9.

  60. Pretty sure “Hot Dog Water” is a euphemism…. Don’t let him fool you, you go ‘head, get those ice trays out right now and show him what happens when water gets cold (Shrinkage).

    LA Juice recently posted Leticia Cyrus, White Oprah, Meet your Heir Apparent: Susanna Barrett..

  61. I know we aren’t bffs or anything, but did you see this? http://www.etsy.com/listing/82548864/tardis-teapot-made-to-order-handmade I tried to tweet it to you. It’s so perfectly you and I’m sure it can help with your hot water issue. As for costuming, Option 2 is far more interesting. With all of your current media attention, I doubt you’d have to say “I’m not a whore!” more than 5 or 6 times. You made my Saturday morning heading- into-work- for- 12- hours funk better :-)

    Karen Sanders recently posted The Birthday Bitch Hat.

  62. Victor needs to start an internet-husbands’ support group! I know mine would sign up. Also, electric kettles are great, but get one that whistles or something- mine shuts off when it’s hot, so it doesn’t start fires, but I forget about it and, when I remember, the water’s cold. Boo.

    Gesci recently posted Fossil Hunting and the Pooches' First Trip to the Sea at Ravenscar.

  63. Geez I meant to type 2cups OF water, not GO water. I can’t envision an appetizing version of hot dog water, let alone go water.

  64. I’ve had this same conversation in my house, only it’s my husband that can’t use my coffee maker (I question often why i married him), can’t boil water and is until recently, couldn’t make bacon! I blame my mother-in-law, who has numerously told me I must teach our son to cook so that he is not as useless as her son/my husband is. Thanks.

    I also think Victor needs to get on twitter, I feel like we need these tidbits from his side as well!!

    Rea recently posted Oh no.....He's looking at your baby!!! Quick be an Asshole!.

  65. Victor really needs to hop on the social media train. Think of the all the Point/Counterpoint posts the two of you could do! I’m sure that would be healthy for ANY marriage, no?

    P.S. I just boil water on the stovetop. Obviously, that rarely makes for interesting blog fodder so I suspect your method is the one to go with. Sarcastic husbands notwithstanding.

    cagey (Kelli Oliver George) recently posted Fridays of Intestinal Fortitude: Look Who's Coming for Dinner.

  66. HA! I burnt asparagus that I was STEAMING this week. That’s just water AND asparagus…. So….yeah.

    Jules recently posted Protected: Forgiveness.

  67. How to make hot water via coffee maker is a totally reasonable question. Those machines can be tricky. It isn’t like you asked how to turn on the over burner.

    You DO know how to use the oven, right?

    If Victor starts tweeting, I will break down and open a Twitter account too, I have a feeling it would be worth it.

    Vesta Vayne recently posted It’s Cocktail Time – The dodging sh*t edition!.

  68. I use an electric kettle for hot water. Faster than stove top. (I gave my microwave away but would prefer the kettle anyway.)

  69. 70
    Pnkrokhockeymom

    I got an electric kettle and it is so easy! I love it.

  70. I think the secret to making hot water is searing it over high heat first. Ya know…locks in the moisture.

    T.C. Sprencel recently posted My Quest to Become the Worst Blogger on the Planet.

  71. it’s hard to make hot water.

    Simone recently posted And then this happened....

  72. I use the microwave but I’ve always wondered if I’m doing it right and think that I’ve just come up with a wrong way to get hot water because I’m not smart enough to figure out the right way.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Pop Culture Haiku: I saw this picture of Paula Deen in People Magazine and it scared me..

  73. There used to be a show on Food Network called How to Boil Water. Maybe Victor could buy you the DVD set for Valentine’s day.

  74. Victor absolutely needs a Twitter account. How can he not have one? Make him get one so we can all follow him.

  75. Victor needs to be on Twitter!

    laanba recently posted HB to WAM.

  76. Seriously, how can Victor not have a twitter account, he needs one.

    and Oh Jenny, seriously electric kettle, it’s like what was said above, “magical” hot water, you put water in…press a button YAY hot water

    Lori recently posted Inspiration and sleeping dogs..

  77. Three words.
    Electric. Tea. Kettle.

    Seriously!!!

    Melissa (the internet calls me Mimi) recently posted Actual email I just sent via Zappos.com web form.

  78. I always knew we must be soul mates, and you’ve just confirmed it by being obsessed with that Gotye song… I’ve been listening to almost nothing else for weeks.

  79. Have you seen this version of the song you are strangely obsessed with? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M&feature=related

    IT’S AMAZING. Five people + one guitar.

  80. Next time tell Victor you want your water medium dry and a sesame seed bun without the sesame seeds and see what happens.

    Jack@TheJackB recently posted The Best Way To Blog Is…Your Way.

  81. You need a Keurig. Hot water in 42 seconds by pushing one button.

    Stephanie Marushia recently posted The Tale of Despereaux Resources.

  82. http://youtu.be/38maVb_30ng — Just sayin’. Next time you want V to make you some hot water.

    Whiskeypants recently posted Under 21? Enjoy Your Soda Pop..

  83. Definitely get a Keurig!

    Marianna recently posted Green Giveaway Friday 1/27.

  84. Ooh, totally agree with earlier comment – get Victor on twitter! Stat!

    And on another note, thank yo u for making my morning… I feel so much better cuz I can boil water! Woo hoo! It’s like I am Paula Deen, except for the diabetes or the hypocrisy or the deep fried butter!

  85. What is he on about? I use my Keurig to make ramen noodles. Is there something wrong with that?

  86. 87
    Michelle Sneller

    I’ve heard worse!

    My sister: I burned the Jello …
    Me: How do you burn jello!!?
    My sister: I forgot I had left the pot on the stove

    Her online tag is BurntJello for the last 16 years… LOL

  87. Dude. I use an electric kettle because the coffee maker method is too difficult and the microwave scares me.

  88. Victor on twitter? I might suffer from bloggess overload euphoria! Bring it, Victor!!

    Becky Rice recently posted Know Your Target Audience.

  89. Needed this laugh this morning! Thanks! And I LOVE that Gotye song – first time seeing the trippy video. Can’t wait to read your book!

    Liz D recently posted Marriage Equality.

  90. Definitely go with the electric kettle thingy. I got one for my office, since… well, it’s a long story, but suffice it to say my office is NOT PREPARED for a zombie apocalypse.

    Anyway- I got one for there, then we had our gas turned off at home (we suck at paying bills on time) so I brought it home so we could make coffee. We use it all the damn time, even when the gas got turned back on.

    So I got another one for the office.

    Did you know they’re the BEST AND EASIEST things to use to make hard boiled eggs??

  91. I figured out why I love your blog: You two are basically my husband and I… only in different bodies and in Texas.

    JayBee recently posted 4 Months Today.

  92. Oh no seriously here is a conversation while out to breakfast with my sister.

    Waitress: Can I take your order?
    Sister: I’ll have a cup of hot cocoa.
    Me: That sounds good, make it two.
    Waitress: uh…
    Me: Is there a problem?
    Waitress: No, I’ll be right back with that.

    Three minutes later…

    Me: WTF is this?!!
    Waitress: She asked for hot coke so I microwaved it.

    Sommer recently posted VIP Party 41.

  93. OMG it’s like you’ve been in my house listening to me and my husband.

  94. Not to ruin Victor’s game, but you do know that hot dog water is also a euphemism for something, right?

  95. This is like Five Easy Pieces with Jack Nicholson “I’ll have a chicken sandwich, hold the chicken.”

    Laura recently posted Crazy in 2012..

  96. I just got that damn song out of my head two days ago! And now it’s back. Thanks for that. And…as an added bonus…it’s been joined by boots, cats, boots, cats. Why do I come here?

    jacqui recently posted Seeking Your Fortune?.

  97. I’m trying to imagine life without a kettle. I can’t.

  98. My Dad had a book during his back-to-bachelor days after the split called “How to Boil Water.” I always wondered what kind of person actually NEEDS a book like that… now I know!

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted HOLY SHEEP SHIT!.

  99. This is exactly why I think college really should have had a practical life skills course. I can write the hell out of a research paper but please don’t ask me to dice garlic. Or figure out health insurance. Or do ANYTHING to my car besides drive it ( and to be fair, I’m still a bit dodgy on driving).

    Adam recently posted The depression post: screw that butterfly UPDATED.

  100. My Dad had a book during his back to bachelor days after the split called “How to boil water.” I always wondered what kind of person actually NEEDED a book like that. Now I know.

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted HOLY SHEEP SHIT!.

  101. Whoops! Sorry about the duplicate comment. Technology confuses people like me.

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted HOLY SHEEP SHIT!.

  102. I do believe I, too, have asked “how do you make hot water.”

    Many moons ago though.

    I have also said (when asked what was the main entree for the meal I was cooking), “Corn. Cause I don’t do meat.”

    My hips now beg to differ.

    Carrie recently posted Please don’t think you can be a better me. You can’t. Hell, I can’t..

  103. If I didn’t have such a crappy phone, I would totally make the it’s not our fault song my ringtone.

    The Goddess of Books recently posted The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer.

  104. Dude, you totally need an electric hot pot (not to be confused with Hot Pockets – they really won’t help with your tea situation and they require the use of a microwave). Fill her up, press her button, and in minutes you’re in hot water (not unlike a woman, I might add). Pick one up next time you’re at Target, not buying towels!

    http://tinyurl.com/anti-asshole-hot-pot

  105. SQUEEEE JEAN-LOUIS!! so glad to see he’s made it onto a card. he may be one of my favorite of your menagerie. also, making hot water is a pain in the ass. because either you have to, like, put it in a pot or kettle on the stove and wait FOREVER because, you know, a watched pot doesn’t boil. or you have to put it in a mug or bowl or whatever and put it in the microwave. and then the mug or bowl or whatever gets HOT and you take it out of the microwave and shout bad words because it’s hot and hurting you and then you spill it on yourself and/or the cats and it’s all sucky.

    steph gas recently posted omfg you guys.

  106. According to my MIL, tea made from microwaved water is crap. And she is from India where tea is grown, so she is pretty much a tea expert. Don’t drink it Bloggess, you are better than that! And certainly don’t serve it to anyone because they will politely drink it, but the whole time they will be thinking, “Microwaved tea is crap. Why would you serve crap to a guest?” Buy a Braun electric kettle with some of your book royalties. It turns itself off, so you can’t boil it dry. Then you will enjoy perfect tea and the respect of your friends every time. I swear.

  107. That was an updated version of a famous scene from the movie “Five Easy Pieces” with Jack Nicholson.

    “I’ll take a tuna sandwich. Hold the bread.” Or something like that…

    "Susan Says..." recently posted Half A Woman at Whole Foods.

  108. well, hopefully you haven’t set a pot of boiling water on fire…I can claim that on my endless list of kitchen fails. In my defense, the stove eye was absolutely COATED in grease and caught fire very easily, but I didn’t know enough to, I don’t know, NOT use that burner? LOL

    And don’t ask my roommates about too much Cheeseburger Helper and a too-small pan. Epic response from my roomie: “…*quiet, horrified voice* What happened HERE?!”

    Robin recently posted Words as Pictures: The Wordle Way.

  109. I actually use my Keurig to make “hot water”. If I want instant oatmeal, I just don’t put a k cup in and let the boiling hot water do all the work for me. So tell Victor, neener, neener.

    Dazee Dreamer recently posted Frack, I Might Have To Hurt Someone.

  110. oh WOW. that was a GREAT song. BEAUTIFUL. also, I’m so proud of you. the whole travelling red dress thing, and all your other (accidental?) amazing good deeds. so proud of you! you are amazing.

    rebecca recently posted ghasp....

  111. There’s nothing I can say. I melted a hunk of my grandmother’s meatloaf to plastic wrap to a styrofoam plate to the stove the other night. And it’s been stuck there for three days. And I’m pretty sure the fumes are killing us.

    Stephanie recently posted We’re Having a Party!.

  112. So a few people asked what Hot Dog water was. Ready? It’s the water that’s left over in the pot when you boil hot dogs. Appetizing isn’t it? Paula Deen serves it with butter. And Guilt. And probably a sponsorship.

    Talk amongst yourselves.

    Brandon S recently posted Funny Stuff…..Noa G.

  113. Funny… Someone mentioned a kettle. I was watching a movie the other day and some woman was heating water on the stove in a kettle. I actually laughed at the thought. A kettle?

    Don’t feel bad. After my divorce, I had to learn how to use a coffee pot too. lol

    Steve recently posted The Princess's Ball.

  114. Haha love these comments! Bloggess, please please don’t try making tea with hot water from the coffee machine, unless you want tikoffee or Kofitea or whatever gruesome bilgewater comes out – I tried it once in a hotel in NYC and nearly gagged. If you don’t have a kettle, try a saucepan on the stove. I think water for tea needs to have been in a rolling bubbling boil to get enough air or oxygen or something through it before it will make a decent cuppa. (Plus, use fresh milk, half and half, not long life, and if you’re using teabags, take the bag out before the milk goes in, or it won’t brew properly. It’s technical, innit!)
    Best wishes from an English tea drinker

    Barleygold recently posted FO*: Chloe.

  115. ooohhh, might have you beat… although I admit that the person who might have you beat is only 10. Our filtered water pitcher in the fridge was empty and my kid was thirsty. He pulled it out of the fridge and said “the water’s empty!” I said, well that’s not the only water in the world. He then asked me where to get water…… cause if it’s not in the pitcher in the fridge apparently there is no water. Like he’s never washed his hands, brushed his teeth or showered….. where do you get water? Seriously kid!

    And on the topic of hotdog water. I once worked at a hotel and there was a guest staying with his kids. One of his kids asked for hotdog soup…. he explained that at his house there’s always a TON of neighborhood kids there to play and that they’re always hungry! Well he got tired of feeding all the neighborhood kids so he cooked up a pack of hotdogs, ate the hotdogs himself (a whole pack! gross) then crushed up saltines and put them in the hotdog water… hotdog soup. The neighborhood kids loved it. lol

  116. I looked up the definition of hot dog water. And then I threw up in my mouth a little. If he offers to teach you hot dog water lesson, either stab him, or possibly punch him in the face, whichever floats your happy little boat. Or threaten to go on another shopping trip- that might keep him in line. ;-)

    Thanks for the giggles today, I loved it so much, I had to share with others. You guys REALLY need a TV show. I don’t watch reality TV, but I’m not sure filming your life for a 30 minute show would be called “reality”. =D

  117. 118
    Mary (AKA Cat in The Hat)

    I see I have the easy job, eh Victor? LOL Ah, you kill me Jenny and that’s why I love you so much!

  118. Off topic, but I have a red dress that I would like to donate to the red dress cause.
    Not as fancy as yours, but still, red satin, full length and a ballerina back. It won’t be someones fantasy dress, but it could be someones “I can’t afford it”s prom dress, or …
    Size 12
    Worn once, dry cleaned, and I will pay to post it.

  119. My husband gets annoyed with me when I refer to the water heater as the “hot water heater”. He says I’m being redundant, which is probably true, but it’s a deeply ingrained habit and I can’t stop at this late date.

    Courtney recently posted Photo.

  120. Here’s a question about the red dress: I’ve never worn a long gown except for my wedding gown and it didn’t have a trail, I have no NEED for a long red dress because I have nowhere to go, nothing to do. I don’t go to parties or live a glamorous life. Ah, is that the point of the red dress? if so, where do I sign up? p.s. next time on your blog please don’t say “have to go to the hospital now, bye” I was worried!! Jenny, you’re a STAR now, dollface. Get used to it, oh and don’t read your reviews, just like your friend said, yeah, I read that article too.
    Laurie F.

    Laurie F. recently posted “Is That All There Is?” Carry On Tuesday.

  121. get a biggish pyrex measuring cup, put about 2 cups of water in it. put in the microwave for 2min.
    this is easier and faster than the coffee machine OR the stove top, really.

    If you find you are heating up a lot of water for cup ramen, instant oatmeal, tea or cocoa…. it may be worth getting a glass or ceramic teapot to microwave water in. (I’ve been using a handmade ceramic pitcher just because it makes me happy.)

  122. I just love reading all the comments. Your friends are so funny. Victor on Tweeter would be awesome!

  123. Bless your heart, thank you for not making me feel like the last moron standing. Had to ask the hubster how to boil the clear, wet stuff when we got married and the bastard yanks out the story every bloody party, in front of total strangers. As my 4-year old would say, he’s a stinkypants…..

  124. Don’t feel bad. I once set off a smoke alarm by forgetting to put water in the bowl with the EZ Mac. Apparently it wasn’t easy enough.

    I wish I were joking.

    ~Casey~ recently posted Because nothing says "Medieval" like Thai food & funnel cake!.

  125. Victor totally needs to be on Twitter. Make it so.

  126. Alas, I can say I’ve burnt water. Yes, water. Go me. I’ve moved on to bigger and greater burnings too. Cookies, chicken, potatoes, my flesh touching a hot burner. Again, go me.

  127. Next time, ask Mary how to do it. She is less likely to pull sarcastic asshole out of her magnificent hat and wave it in your face. I liked the Gotye song but after I saw the video I LOVED it & went all obsessive over it… the facial expressions add a new layer!

  128. I definitely vote for the School Ma’arm outfit, although it is quite fancy for a prarie teacher. I love your pinterest accounts. I sent the “things to do with my kid before she’s too old” one to my daughter, who isn’t even married yet. I thought she could save it for future use.

    What’s the matter with your publisher? You are already marketing your book. Don’t they know you have a wildly successful blog that gets thousands of readers every day? Morons.

    I agree with you on the bunny-eared lawyer characterization. That would be me too. When I worked, I enjoyed that status for 33 years. Then I got a new boss who didn’t think my “quirks” were charming and didn’t give me a chance to prove my worth. He was demeaning and mean. I decided to retire early – so there!

    Finally, I’ll pile on to the commenters who recommend an electric kettle. It’s really good. Even beats our Keurig. I also have a special microwave cup that does boil water, but it’s a pain in the butt.

    Hope your party turns out well. That is all.

  129. 132
    Holly Waterfall

    Jenny, here’s my advice should you need more: Firstly, don’t boil water unless it’s for spaghetti or some other type of pasta. If you are making hot water for tea/coffee/hot cocoa/etc. just nuke it for about a min and 30 secs. It will get hot but it shouldn’t burn you and the cup should be okay to hold while you drink it (unless you have a really fancy microwave that gets things REALLY hot). Secondly, if you want to cook a hot dog w/o grilling it or using the actual oven then stick IT in the microwave for about 30 secs. It will be perfectly hot but just not have all those black grill marks on it.

    Now regarding your links above and what you were doing this week, I love them all (well maybe not the Wall of Vaginas) but anyway, …

  130. I’m so confused and have been all week due to going to wine school where I was the dumbest person in class, but isn’t this Saturday? How can you wrap up a week when it’s not Sunday????????

    Mary recently posted Charles Shaw Merlot.

  131. Three words: hot ham water.

  132. Could I trouble Victor for his ice recipe?

  133. Publishers Weekly!! Sweet! :)

    I will put you next to Tina Fey and David Sedaris on my bookshelf.

  134. I laughed so hard at the Banana Candle that I cried. My husband came to check on me because I stopped breathing at one point. I tried to prepare myself first. I wasn’t drinking anything and had stopped eatting my ice cream cone. By the time I was able to start eatting again, it was pretty melty :( I’m ok with that though.

  135. I’m thinking you need to go shopping for this anniversary party. Neither outfit really says hoe-down for me. And it’s all about me, really!

    The very first dinner I cooked for my husband and his parents was baked chicken and it was so dry that my father in law named it Chicken Sahara and the name has stuck.

    Amanda recently posted Oatmeal Dreams.

  136. You are the first person I think of when shown awesome Zombie Apocalypse gear…
    Point in case:

    http://failblog.org/2012/01/28/white-trash-repairs-there-i-fixed-it-ak-chainsaw/?fb_ref=newpromocopy

  137. *Smacks head* Ok… many years ago, my father burned a pot, to the point that it was smoking, on the stove. When asked what he was doing, he replied “Boiling water”. This is the same person who did all the grilling outdoors while growing up. Just tell Victor to be careful when making that “hot dog water”, eh? ;-)

  138. I used to order coffee like that. “Can I have a flavored coffee without the coffee?” It was explained to me that then all I was getting was milk with some sort of flavoring syrup, and I felt better once I could order it that way. Or I felt less silly, at least.

    Katy recently posted December 22nd: Let it Snow.

  139. I use smoke detector like kitchen timers. I once lit the kitchen on fire while making TOAST. I get it.

    As always, your pins are stupendous. LOVE those little castle/house/votive thingies!

    XLMIC recently posted Vecchio Venerdì... a big family legacy.

  140. Once you’ve mastered the basics you might want to attempt, if you dare, this recipe for salted boiling water:

    http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Salted-Water-for-Boiling-105591

  141. I’m glad I’m not the only one OBSESSED with that song. Ms. Lawson you so get me. Or maybe I get you…anyway thanks for blogging!

  142. Lol…”How do you make hot water” *does* sound bad :p (I would use the kettle personally).

    But yah. I’ve mastered the microwave, the oven (erm. sort of) and the gas hobs. I have a deep and abiding suspicion of the grill and refuse to use it if i can possible avoid it. I do not know why.

    I’m still waiting for my partner to show me how to work the food processor. it has lots of associated bits and peices that need fitting together and this scares me. Also, I have the nagging doubt that letting me loose on that thing unsupervised would either result in the kitchen being spattered with onion peices or I would food process my hand into a bloody stump.

    So I still chop onions with the knife. And cut my fingers into bloody stumps.

    “Strangely obsessed with this song right now.”

    Ahhh! Me too! I played the hell out of that song a few weeks back.

    Also, Kimbra Settle Down: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G30ZqGYd_Fw

  143. Edit:

    After reading some of the comments I remembered something. My deep and abiding suspicion of the grill might have something to do with the fact that I once set fire to a pita bread that was under the grill.

    It expanded into gigantic proportions, then hit the top of the grill and caught fire :(

    Then I was just like AHHH MY PITA BREAD IS ON FIRE and someone had to come and hit it with a tea towel :/

  144. I use hot tap water as it is, seems to come out hot enough in my house for some odd reason (did my comment go through?)

    The Man with Curly Hair recently posted The Metro Mullet – A Cristiano Ronaldo inspired Curly Hairstyle.

  145. Once my sister asked me “what temperature do you put water on to make it boil.” I told her “depends on how long you want it to take.” True Story.

  146. So basically you’re only helping me now because of semantics.

    I love it! Helpful assholes are the best kind of assholes.

    Chris recently posted Blissfully Bald: Why my wife and I decided to shave our heads.

  147. The fact that you at least knew the coffee maker is a source of hot water proves you’re better at cooking than most of my neighbors. I was once asked if you “need a pan to cook a poptart.” Apparently the guy’s mother always prepared them for him at home. Since then, I’ve made a habit of messing with him, which is probably unkind but oh, so amusing. Him: How did you get your laundry so neat? Me: I used the “fold” setting on the dryer.

    I had a point. Possibly. Oh, right… way to be better at cooking than the average college student!

  148. um… wow… just wow…

    yes, buy an electric kettle .

  149. You can install a faucet by your sink that will instantly dispense close-to-boiling water. You can buy them at any home improvement store like Lowes or Home Depot. I have one and I love it. Get Victor to install it, that’ll learn him. You can also use it to make ramen, soak pots to clean them of the scorched remains from your most recent cooking attempt, or make Jell-O without the risk of burning.

  150. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!! Much appreciated the Valentines Card, which will be used for non-lovey purposes. THANKS! Now with my first purchase, I have a reason to buy all the other stuff from your store! :D

  151. Once you get the hang of hot water, it’s quite simple really. Wait till you get to the advanced stuff like making ice cubes. (Clue: Don’t overcook them.)

    Mr Farty recently posted I Learned Something Today.

  152. Oh damn Jenny! Another day I needed to laugh my ass off (and, trust me, there is still PLENTY there!) and here you are with just the right conversation between you and Victor. I don’t know why I laugh so hard at them, but I do. Actually, I think it’s because I know completely where you’re coming from. Oh, and Victor sounds like my husband in that everything must make sense and I’m sure you get the same look I get when I say something my hubby thinks is “out there.” Apparently he doesn’t know me very well since I have conversations with people only I can see so that I can write down their stories in novel form. Wow. Now I sound like I need mental help. Maybe I do, but not because I talk to invisible people. :-D

  153. 156
    purplepenguin

    I often read your blog out loud to my husband. Tonight, he said, “I liked Victor before because of all the crap (his word, not mine) she puts him through. Now, I REALLY like him.”

  154. From my livejournal, April 4th, 2004:

    “Whn I was a little girl, back in Russia, there were ponires mnamed Ruldolf,, nad Pogo but the winters were hars, so we had to eat them. I’m sorry, suzie. THAT’S JUST THE WAY IS IT SOME TIMES!
    w
    we were STERVIBG we needed meat! The ponies dinit die for noting we slept in their carcasses. it was smellyas fuck. eww.
    And, well… At least the dog was happy.”

    I may have been… under the influence, but your article on manners totally reminded me of this.

    Aren recently posted This Post Has Nothing To Do With Nails..

  155. These comments have confused me somewhat. Are kettles not normal in America? I think you would be hard pressed to find a household in the UK that doesn’t have a kettle. Pretty much everyone I know has an electric kettle. Put water in, press a button, have boiling water. Simple.

    I know one person who has an old-fashioned, put on the stove type kettle.

    How can someone not have a kettle?

    Jessica Meats recently posted An Interview With: Jennifer Chase.

  156. We just got an awesome teapot, with a little spinny whistle thing on top. Makes hot water at least twice as fun.

    Allison recently posted Superman According to Strangers.

  157. Bwahahaha! So, I was clicking on the interwebs that you didn’t create links and I got to the obsessed with this song link and I thought, “It’s going to be Gotye. It’s going to be Gotye! IT HAS TO BE” because I was projecting my own obsession onto your link, only…IT WAS GOYTE! And I think I knew because I could obviously see right through the link to the damn video I have on repeat day, every day, starting on day 10 (today)

  158. You should get a blender to chop up ice to turn it into water, then put that water in a croc-pot to let it get to room temperature, THEN put it in a coffee maker to make hot water without coffee. That way you’ll be doing sort of a lou-gerhigs device and annoy the crap out of Victor at the same time.

    (I apologize for the spelling. And for maybe mentioning a disease, not a super awesome way of doing things… oops?)

    THE END

  159. Ah, yes, “hot dog water.” At our house we call it “wiener water” and we give it to the dog, ‘cuz after it’s had wieners in it, who else would want it? Plus, she likes the small chunks that flaked off the wieners into the water during the boiling process.

    But when the vet asks us what we feed her, I always forget to tell him about the wiener water. You know, it occurs to me now that maybe if I stopped giving her wiener water, her gas problem would clear up. That, and if I would only stop throwing American cheese chunks into her maw.

  160. Bloggess, I am also strangely addicted to that song. I sent this version by Walk off the Earth (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M) to my friend Mary Laura and she cried. But then Mary Laura is a complicated woman. Best, CV

  161. This is pretty far down the comments list for you to actually read. But, this is what you need:

    I love mine.

  162. regarding The Banana Candle, ladies.


    it’s our girlfriend amy sedaris. no way! yes way.

  163. I usually agree with you, Jenny. But I have to go with Victor on this one. “How do I make hot water?” “….REALLY? …Are you fucking with me?” It’s like Victor was in my head.
    And then when you mentioned using the coffee maker and on top of that, the microwave, all I could think of was “Don’t you have a KETTLE?!??!???”
    Just about everyone I know has one (an electric one). We have one at work, too.
    And you do not need a Keurig. For approximately $150 less, you can get an electric kettle from Wal-Mart. (Or Target, or whatever other mega-conglomerate has plunked itself near you.)
    Obviously Texas is too far removed from the Commonwealth to know how to make a proper cuppa. Or even the basics for one. :)

  164. If you like that song, here’s a great cover – http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=d9NF2edxy-M

    Also, this one’s great. I thought you might like it (you have quite the interesting sense of humour) – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhuMLpdnOjY

    And don’t you have a kettle? That’s how I make tea… That being said, you are awesome.

  165. Best hot water cooker ever. Better than kettles because it’s instant. No waiting. Instant coffee, tea, or even soup whenever you want it. I’ve had one for 6 years now.

  166. The microwave makes sucky tea or coffee. It superheats instead of boils. So you WERE CORRECT to shun the microwave and Victor was misguided in questioning you.

    Cathy recently posted Pinterest Ate My Blog.

  167. I too love the Gotye song…. But his would have to be my favourite version… better than the original in my humble opinion http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/music/6245508/One-guitar-quintet-goes-viral

  168. I for one will start making all of my hot water via coffee maker. On some level that’s got to be the best idea since someone slapped peanut butter and jelly together… of course that level is like three flights down and two buildings over from the one where they’re just boiling water in a kettle ; )

    -D.L. Cade
    The Cade Column

    P.S. You definitely just gained a consistent visitor/reader… and occasional smart ass.

    D.L. Cade recently posted January | A Look Back.

  169. Has anyone mentioned that you can just boil water in a pot on the stove? Best is a little pot with a pour spout. But yeah, the electric kettles are great.

  170. Love the Goyte song. Other great duet songs from the “Murder Ballads” album:

    Nick Cave & PJ Harvey – Henry Lee

    Kylie Minogue & Nick Cave – Where The Wild Roses Grow

    As an after thought My husband would love the spiked baby heads on the chains (previous post). Even better I wouldn’t mind if he hung them up as a wind chime, except they wouldn’t chime….hmmmmm may have to think on that for a bit.

  171. I have a play list that has the Goyte song and Fun! Can you say repeat?

  172. My husband and I had a similar conversation when I asked him how to make coffee. Apparently he thought that was a dumb question since I had been working at a coffee shop for a while. I told him that our house wasn’t equipped with a coffee machine that magically filled itself with water and a scale so I could measure 0.15 of coffee grounds (not sure what it was 0.15 of, pounds maybe?). Coffee shops teach you FANCY coffee drinks, not how to use a damn Mr. Coffee.

    Mama Cass recently posted Boy am I old.

  173. Thankfully Victor is your muse…we all benefit from these conversations you two have.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Dating Advice: Start with a List.

  174. My favorite line…from your hubby, “You need to go post about this immediately.” Not only is he supporting your work but he’s also willing to be your heating water sensei! Where can I meet such a man!

    Gwen recently posted Needlefoot.

  175. You should get an electric kettle. Tea tastes much better with just boiled water rather than microwaved water!

  176. I kind of love Victor. I want a sarcastic asshole to love me.

  177. thank you this is great share

    Hunter recently posted Welcome to my blog.

  178. Because of this post, I now call my boyfriend a “helpful sort of ass”.

    Robyn Webb recently posted Bravery Is Admitting When You Need Help.

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