Conversation I had after wandering into Victor’s office.
me: Hey. How do you make hot water?
Victor: …Really? “How do you make hot water?” Are you fucking with me?
me: No. I want to make a tea but I don’t know how.
Victor: Go write this on your blog right now. You just asked me how to heat up water. You basically just confirmed everything I’ve ever said about your cooking skills in a single sentence.
me: I know how to get hot water. I know how the tap works. I just don’t know how to use the coffee maker and I thought maybe it would be easier to use it than using the microwave.
Victor: So you need a machine to make you hot water…because the microwave is too complicated?
me: I’m trying to work smarter, not harder. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Victor: It’s moments like this I wish I was on twitter. “Overheard at our house: ‘How do you make hot water?‘”
me: FINE. How about this? Can you show me how to make coffee without any coffee in it?
Victor: See, that sounds more complicated. Not normal or rational, but less ridiculous. So, yes, I will show you how to make coffee with no coffee in it.
me: So basically you’re only helping me now because of semantics.
Victor: How else will you learn?
PS. Victor says tomorrow he’s going to teach me how to make “hot dog water”.
Victor is a very helpful kind of asshole.
And now, the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- The drunker I get, the funnier this is.
- Jean-Louise, the one-fingered pirate-gator will poke you TO DEATH.
- The perfect Valentine’s Day card.
- It’s comforting knowing there are weirder people out there than us.
- FYI…because of your purchases we raised almost $2k to help the family of my neighbor who was killed. Thank you.
What you missed on the internets:
- Making social media matter
- The traveling red dress gets its own page.
- I made it into Publisher’s Weekly somehow.
- My editor told me someone needed to start pimping out my book. I suspect she meant me. I nominated my dead mouse.
- Someone told me I was a quintessential crouching moron, hidden bad-ass (secret power = kick-ass minions with shivs) but I’m pretty sure I’m a bunny-eared lawyer at best.
- My friend Alice tries in vain to convince me to ignore bad reviews.
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome
- “It makes me sad to think you’re hungry.“
- More awesome than annoying? Just barely.
- Dedicated to my therapist.
- Strangely obsessed with this song right now.
- This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my friend Leonie who created The Goddess Guidebook to help you create your own Goddess Year in 2012 using art therapy and the tools and techniques she’s providing. She’s adorable and full of light and is a terrible driver. Or possibly the person in the other seat is a terrible driver. One of those. You should check her out.